It is Friday! Usually that means a weekly wrap-up on KSWI. But at the same time an NBA player took naked pictures of himself and I haven’t talked about it. What kind of humorous sports enthusiast would I be if I didn’t give my opinion on the topic? Probably an enthusiast with more journalistic integrity. Thankfully for all of you, I have no journalistic integrity. Today’s post will for the most part be about Greg Oden and his “part”, but I will answer a few quick questions and I’ll answer some more on Monday. Also I did see that dirty Dakota Fanning kisses Kristen Stewart in their forthcoming movie – that is a topic for next week.

Since it is Friday, I thought I would start off the post with a few jokes and a song.

JOKES

Women say that men don’t know what it is like to experience child birth and I say bullshit.

Gaining a ton of weight? It’s called “college”. I used to eat hot pockets 6 times a day.

Weird hunger urges? I get high all the time. I once ate lobster bisque and a taquito in a 7-11 parking lot after taking a few bong hits.

Morning sickness? It’s called every morning. I had some real lofty goals for my future self when I was kid and obviously I’m not a superhero space cowboy who plays in the NBA like I thought I’d be.

Insurmountable pain? Every man has caught the head of their penis in a zipper before. And all of us own a pair of button flies because of that nightmare.

Having to push 10 pounds out of a tiny hole on your buddy? I’ve won a chili eating contest in my life. And let’s just say you don’t have the same type of natural “elasticity” in your butthole.

Having a living thing growing inside of your stomach for 9 months feeding on your sustenance to live, only getting bigger and more unruly inside of you? One word: tapeworm. Or is that two words? One word or two words – “tape” “worm”. My “pregnancy” was the summer, fall, and winter of 2005 after a shrimp eating contest at Applebees.

TA DA!!!!

SONG

I am a big fan of this song recently. The video is pretty hysterical because of its obviously low budget and odd assortment of characters. Also, I truly do empathize with Akon and his dilemma. He is trying to think of the words to describe some lovely woman without sounding disrespectful. I fancy myself a wordsmith and I know exactly where he is coming from on this. If a girl has a really nice ass it is hard to make that sound romantic. At the same time, you don’t want to downplay the fact that she does have a great ass either. Quite the conundrum. So, this song resonates with me on an intellectual level more than one would think.

QUESTIONS

If this is how you celebrate the playoffs, how the hell do you celebrate the actual Superbowl? And dear god, how did you even survive last year with the Steelers playing??

I’ve had this discussion at length with Dawgz – the Conference Championship Sunday is arguably more fun than Superbowl Sunday. The Superbowl is a lot more spectacle than game. It has more commercial breaks, it is more focused on the halftime and pregame than the game, and it is just one game. Conference Championships is pretty much the last Sunday of real football and it is two games. I do love the Superbowl, but it is a lot more fashion over function at points. How did I survive last year? I’ll answer a question with a question – how did I survive the 2006 Superbowl as well? I’ve seen the Steelers in 3 Superbowls in my life and I’ve seen them win 2.

2006 Superbowl – I drank a case of Amstel Light.

2009 Superbowl – I watched it by myself with my dogs and didn’t drink any alcohol. My dogs are “straight edge” and I had to respect that. I did scream a whole bunch which scared the dogs.

Biscuits vs. rolls?

Rolls are like small loaves of bread. A biscuit is more of the greasy, buttermilk tasting variety. At our party they were supposed to be Pillsbury “crescent rolls”. Dawgz put the pop tubes* in the freezer not knowing they were meant for the fridge. So we couldn’t unravel the rolls into the crescent strips and instead I cut the rolls into circular lumps like I was cutting cookie dough. So they weren’t “crescent” and they weren’t “biscuits” – they were more or less dinner rolls.

Who decided orange and blue looked good when you wear them together?

The color spectrum.

Supposedly, that’s how it works.

A GROWN MAN’S PENIS

Greg Oden plays professional basketball for the NBA’s Portland Trailblazers. He went to the Ohio State University for one year in which he led their team to the NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Championships. He was the number 1 overall draft pick in 2007. He missed the entire 2007 NBA season after receiving microfracture knee surgery. He played off and on during the 2008 season due to injuries. On December 5th of last year, Oden injured his left knee which resulted in another season ending surgery. Lastly, earlier this week the world was gifted with three pictures of Greg Oden and his flaccid penis.

Yep. Yep. And Yep. Greg Oden has a penis and we’ve seen it. Apparently, Greg was in a relationship with a lady about a year and a half ago. He took these pictures of himself naked for her and sent them to her. Seemingly, that relationship has been over for a little while and this “lady” wanted to get a pay day or revenge, so she leaked the pictures to the all holy internet. Not the most original story in the world. Greg confirmed that was himself in the pictures and he apologized. He also has not sued anyone and believes he just wants to get the mess over with.

First, I am a fan of Greg Oden. I rooted for him and his O-H-I-O team. I thought he was a good choice at #1 by the Trailblazers. And I think it sucks that he keeps breaking his legs like he is Mr. Glass. Also, Greg Oden is a funny dude. Commercials, blogs, ESPY’s bits et cetera. He is a funny guy. I am a fan. I agree with how he is dealing with this scenario. He should apologize just because that is what is done in these situations. After that, he doesn’t need to sue anybody. Those pictures are already out there on the internet forever and always and suing somebody isn’t going to reverse that. And, lastly, he has nothing really to be ashamed about. It wasn’t like he took the pictures and sent them to some random person in the telephone book. He sent them to a girl he was seeing and she asked for them. I would guarantee 2 things:

1. He has a near quadrillion pictures of her naked on his computer. But no one wants to see her non-famous broke ass naked. So we won’t. Also, Greg isn’t some vengeful backstabbing bitch like she obviously is.

2. He fucked her. So it worked. I guarantee he had sex with her before and after those pictures were sent. The pictures were not taken frivolously. They had a purpose and the purpose was justified. It wasn’t his fault those pictures got sent around the world.

At the end of the day, they are just pictures of him naked. That’s it. He isn’t strangling a Haitian refugee in those pictures or planning a terrorist attack on the White House. It is just a picture of his junk. There are a million worse things Greg Oden could be doing in those pictures than just standing naked in front of his mirror. So people need to lighten up. I’m sure she enjoyed the pictures when he sent them and I’m sure he enjoyed whatever pictures she sent back. They had a good time, she ruined it and that’s all I have to say about that….. PSYCH! I’m fucking with you. I’ve got a shit ton more to say about it. So here we go:

What is bigger Kristen Stewart’s want or Greg Oden’s cock?

Obviously it is Kristen Stewart’s want. Greg Oden’s cock doesn’t go on for infinity. But it’s big though. Greg Oden definitely has a big one. Greg Oden is hung like… I guess every other black guy. That’s the rumor – brothers are packing. I guess it’s true. I mean I haven’t seen every black guy’s dick in the world. Thank God for that, am I right? That would be weird if I have seen every black man’s penis in the world. Maybe as weird for them as for me. Sometimes I wonder with all the porn I watch if there will ever be a moment when I say “I haven’t seen every black man’s penis in the world” and I’m lying.

So here’s the question you’re all wondering on the internet:

Does KSWI Jordan have a bigger penis than Greg Oden?

No.

That is a “no” with an “n” and an “o”. No. I do not have a bigger penis than Greg Oden. I am most definitely not hanging 9 inches slack. Was I supposed to be? No. If you thought I was packing more than Greg Oden’s anaconda than that is just completely unrealistic expectations by you the reader. All I am is funny. I’m pretty smart, I can hold my liquor, good taste in music and I have all the rules from Fight Club memorized, but nowhere does that denote “third leg” in my pants. That’s your fault for making that assumption. Not mine.

WORLD STAR HIP HOP

The real story, in my opinion, is that English language was murdered this week in the comments section of the “World Star Hip Hop” website. In that article by the Huff-Po about Greg Oden’s johnson, there is a link to the nude NSFW pictures. The pictures are being hosted on a website called “World Star Hip Hop”. The video of the pictures has been viewed over 2 MILLION times and there are well over 1 THOUSAND comments. These comments are the worst cases of homicide on a language I have ever seen in my life. These comments are the most uneducated, ignorant, racist, angry, lying, and most purely stupid comments I have ever read in my life in one sitting. They are an indictment on the failure of the human race.

AND(!) they also might be the funniest things I have ever read ever ever ever. I spent all Tuesday refreshing to see new comments. I then spent all Wednesday doing the same. I had work to do Thursday, so I forgot to check for new comments. Either way, it is brilliant. I am going to copy and paste some of my favorite comments from Tuesday with my humble opinion on each.

Firts niggas L.A. All day son!!!

“Firts”! This was literally the first comment and it couldn’t have been any more apropos for the deluge of idiocy that was inevitably going to follow. I would say just under half of the words in this comments section are misspelled and it is too funny that the very first word to appear in the comments section is not only “first”, but it is misspelled as “firts”. I love you internet, I really really do.

Gred ODEN got a SMALL DICK for being 7’0ft tall lmaooooooooooooooooo Raleigh, N.C. STAND UP! Lol

This person is delusional. Many comments think Greg Oden has a small dick either for his size or just in general. In both cases, they are wrong. What in the hell are they expecting a 7 foot tall man’s dick to look like? He is easily 8-9 inches flaccid in that picture. Seemingly if hard, he should be over double digits. That’s not a big dick? 8 – 9 inches is a big dick regardless. And this idea of his dick being “proportional” to him being 7 feet tall – first off it is proportional, secondly it doesn’t have to be, thirdly what’s proportional to them? Do they need him to carry around a meter stick and two balls?

Gettin yo dick exposed cause you in a sextape=cool. gettin yo dick exposed cause you takin stupid pics of yoself fo some cut= dumb nigga shyt. = not worth the bad look

I have to agree. It would be far much cooler if he was in a sex tape and not just these goofy pictures that were used to acquire “some cut”. Greg Oden sent these pictures to some chick, but we don’t know what she looks like. If she was really attractive then we would give Greg more leeway because the juice was worth the squeeze. That is just stereotypical reasoning. A sex tape provides that knowledge plus it is indisputable evidence that he had sex with said really attractive woman.   

If U are a dude and u clicked on this to watch U ARE A FAG!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!! 

Presumably, a woman wrote this. Unless it is a man who has no sense of irony or it’s a very aggressive gay man. Regardless, I clicked on the link because I’m a journalist of sorts and because I was bored and because all it was was a few dick pics. It’s not like I had to suck on it to click on the link. If that was the case then I definitely would not have and I would have been either a really good journalist or indeed a “fag” if I had. 

man i dont care who that nigga is he got pip and i would defently let him hit. my number is 206 941 0266 call me boo i wont tell or show anyone

I guess we just answered the age old question about “love at first sight”. If a “nigga” has “pip” then she would “defently” let him “hit”. That’s true love there folks.

well if that really is him.. well his bad, but it dont make him a horrible person, alot of guys have done this b4 and sent it to a girl. i bet alot of guys have, even girls do it, just cause u are in the nba dont mean u are not human.

Outside of the spelling errors, this comment is lucid, sane and correct. I can’t say that about the majority of the comments on this page, so congratulations. 

Greg garbage ass Oden nigga always injured and this is the gay shit he does takes nude photos of himself

I just want that on damn near everything.

“Greg garbage ass Oden nigga” maybe the greatest five words put together in the English language. I remember it was Tolkien who thought the most perfect phrase ever constructed was “door in the floor”. HE WAS WRONG! “Greg garbage ass Oden nigga” is that phrase he spent his life searching for. I want the entire CafePress catalogue of items with that phrase printed on it – t-shirts, coffee mugs, underwear, aprons, flip camcorders, Christmas ornaments… all of them.

rule when u send pics of ur dick, dnt show ur face, jus show the dick.. clowns

This is a smart man. This is also a man who has sent pictures of his dick to people before.

AYO THIS IS FRENCHY FROM SO ICY ENTERTAINMENT. I GOTTA START BY GIVING MAJOR PROPS TO GREG ODEN FOR HAVIN SUCH A BIG ASS DICK..NO HOMO. ME AND MY NIGGAS WAS SITTIN HERE JUST ADMIRIN THIS NIGGAS SHIT AND WE BOUT TO MAKE A SONG IN TRIBUTE TO THIS NIGGAS SHIT..YA FEEL ME? ..AND NO HOMO..BUT ANYTIME YOU NEED A TUG A LUG HOLLA AT YA BOY FRENCHY. TOUCAN SAM COLORFUL ASS AINT GOT NOTHIN ON YOU MY BIG NIGGA..NO HOMO. SO ICY! SO ICY!

Up until the “Ya feel me?” I’m completely on board with this comment. I agree Greg is packing, there is nothing gay about me recognizing that, and if there was a tribute song written about Greg’s package then I would most certainly listen to it. He kind of loses me with the “tug a lug”. It sounds like he is inviting Greg over for a handjob. I may be reading that incorrectly. Either way, I hope they do write a song about Greg Oden’s wang.

i guess all black men are not packing, i could floss my teeth with that ding a ling, thats sad

You, my friend, must have some fucked up teeth. If you were going to floss your teeth with Greg Oden’s “ding a ling” then at best you would have a 3 inch gap in between each tooth. Circumference wise his penis looks as thick as my wrist.

These next four comments are just works of art that only a grandmaster could paint.

Damn Greg i know ur basketball career over,But damn dog how you gone go from superstar to regular ass thirsty nigga. I aint got near ass much money ass you,but you would neva catch me trickin flicks to a bitch. You fuckin the game up and yourself. Go lay down my nigga,get up and start again

Hands down my favorite comment. Hands down. I understand every single word of this comment and it frightens me and warms my soul. I completely get where this guy is coming from. He is damn near despondent about the revelation of these pictures. He saw so much more promise in Greg Oden and now that has all been thwarted. THWARTED! Greg Oden has shown that he is just a “regular ass thirsty nigga”. Completely true. I couldn’t have said it any better! And then “trickin flicks to a bitch” – is this Shakespeare? Good God is that brilliant! Trickin’ flicks!

Finally, words of advice from the greatest internet commenter ever, “You fuckin the game up and yourself”. True, so true. Sad, but true. Can’t you just hear this man’s heart reaching out to Greg? I can. Lord knows I can. What should Greg do now, oh prophetic gentle man? “Go lay down my nigga, get up and start again”. GLORY! GLORY! HALLELUJAH! THE BEST COMMENT EVER!!!

white folks always want to see a black mans shaft.. LOL!! bunch of homos and skanks!

FUNNIEST COMMENT EVER!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Seriously, that is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever read. This comment is a grand sweeping generalization of ALL white people. And the grand sweeping generalization is? We’re all “homos and skanks”. YES! Do you know how many white people are in the world? Easily over a billion! Over a billion “homos and skanks”! I love it.

and even if he didnt have abig one i would never sex nobody but a black man because they know to work it.. its called soul screwing!1 you got to have a soul white folks!!

And here is your latest winner for greatest new entry on Urban Dictionary: “Soul Screwing”! Also, the comment believes white people (all) have no souls. Not “soul” like the colloquial term used with different arts like music and cooking. But the thing itself “a soul”. White people literally have no “souls”. I always thought there was something different about us and now we know. And knowing is half the battle.

And finally…

First Tiger now Greg whos next Obama? another one bites the dust

Yes. Yes it is. The three seemingly infallible pillars of the African-American race: Tiger Woods, Greg Oden and Barack Obama.

Have a great weekend.

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