I was perusing the comments section this morning when I got into work. Half looking for an idea to write about today and half looking for bikini pictures from you the commentators. I am not sure it is possible to even post a bikini picture in the comment box. I believe WordPress wrote a specific code to censor pictures of people in bikinis. I know this because I have sent numerous complaint emails to WordPress violently inquiring about the lack of bikini pictures in not only my comments section, but all wordpress blogs. This is what I told them:

“There is a serious dearth in my comments section of pictures of bikini-clad women. I blame you almost entirely, WordPress.com, if that is your real name. WordPress.com, you and I started out on the wrong foot a couple months ago when I published my first KSWI post and my page was not instantly flooded by one million visitors every second who would leave pictures of themselves in bikinis. I am 100% positive that was the deal we had written down with the lawyers or at least the one that was in my head when I clicked on “register new blog”. Sure, the popularity of KSWI has certainly increased and I have received several marriage proposals. Don’t you worry WordPress.com I will do the correct thing and marry each of these women in secret ceremonies that I will never divulge to the government. We will then all move to an area of the country that has insanely low real-estate rates like the sun belt or Cleveland (Lebron and Shaq!?! They have to win it this year). We will buy loads of houses and we will create our own polygamist commune in this suburbia like the HBO television show Big Love. Nevertheless, I don’t know all the ins-and-outs about the interwebz or computers, but WordPress.com I know that you are behind this drought of bikini pictures and you will pay for it dearly. I am coming for you WordPress.com. Make sure to sleep with one eye open WordPress.com.”

After the 26th email, WordPress.com did respond saying that they forwarded all my emails to the local police. I think this is a good thing because now the cops are involved looking into this scarcity of bikini pictures.


One of the comments, which did not have a picture of a woman in a bikini, did request for more posts similar to Schrodinger’s Cat and/or the quantum superposition. So, KSWI is back in education mode – let’s get our motherflipping learn on. Today we are going to travel back one million years to a time of dinosaurs, minotaurs, and canker sores: Ancient Greece! Our main focus will be on the great philosopher and probable pedophile Plato! Of his many wondrous works Plato’s “Theory of Forms” and, of course, how it relates to Kristen Stewart wanting it will be the primary thrust.

Before we tackle the “Theory of Forms”, this pesky idea of Plato being a pedophile should be addressed. I do not approve of pedophilia, but I would like to mention two things in Plato’s defense:

1. Those kids wanted it. I’m just saying. Have you ever seen what the boys in Athens were wearing circa 400 BC? Those kids were begging for it.

2. Honestly, having sexual relations with your male students was the “in” thing back in 400 BC. It was the “fad”. Sure now it is a shameful thing, but if you look back at any fad of its day-and-age aren’t they all pretty shameful? I wore neon colors in the 80’s. I’m not proud of it. Lord knows I haven’t worn them since. Should I be chastised for having worn a black t-shirt with “Acapulco” written in bright neon colors 20 years ago? Maybe. But let’s just side with caution and not chastise me for it. Can you not heed my words and learn from me because I own two MC Hammer albums which were not bought in an ironical sense or by gun point, but because I genuinely wanted to be able to hear “This Is The Way We Roll” and “Pray” any time and as many times as I wanted? If your prejudice cannot get beyond that and believe that I am a changed and better man then please leave now…. Actually please do not leave. I wrote some of this post while I was on hold with the IT department and the hold musak was sad love songs and I’m a little fragile right now.

Theory of Forms

Plato had this wild idea that there were two worlds. There was the world of change, that we live in, and a world of “Forms”. The world that we live in is flawed, deteriorates, is bound by time and space, it is constantly in flux and, basically, sucks balls. Meanwhile, there is this kickass place where the “Forms” (capital “F”) hang out. The simple idea is that in our world, we have a notion of what a straight line is or what a perfect circle (not the band) is, but neither of these two actually exists in our world.


No matter how hard you try to draw a straight line or that perfect circle you will fail. This is the royal “you”. YOU ALL WILL FAIL. Including me, I’LL FAIL TOO! Even with the help of tools we will still not be able to create a “perfect circle” or a “perfectly straight line”. But that doesn’t stop us from understanding what one is. We have no reference in our cruel pathetic world for a perfect circle or a straight line, but we can still aspire towards one because we have a mental image or an inherent idea of what one is. Where does this idea come from if we never experienced it in this life? The perfect, truest form of anything holds residence in the world of “Forms”.

“Forms” are the perfect and truest form of some “thing”. That thing could be a table, it could be a car, it could be courage, it could be love, it could be a smile – awwww, and lets stick with a table for an example. There are many tables in this world, some may say too many. But tables can look like anything. A table could be green, it could be purple, it could be a square, it could be a circle, a table could have 4 legs, it could even have six, it could be used by the poor, but not by a lowly communist. Communists don’t have tables because they eat on the floor in solidarity. Nonetheless, when you see tables no matter how different they look you immediately understand they are all tables. There is an essence to a table, it has “tableness”. This “tableness” that we all reference in our heads is from the Form of a table, which is in the world of Forms.

This is the same for anything. Colors are a good example. There are infinite shades of a color, but we all recognize that that color is the base. There is “midnight” blue and “royal” blue and “French” blue et cetera. But what is “blue”? Is there a perfect blue in this world (outside of my eyes) that everyone has seen and is using as a reference to understand all other blues? No. There is the Form of blue that we all have apriori knowledge of from world of Forms. These blues that we create and exist in this world are based around that idea of that blueness. This Form of blueness is atemporal and aspatial. They are not bound by time or space and that is why the truth essence of blue never changes. Blueness has always been and will always continue to be blueness (sound familiar, just wait for it).


Plato’s famous short story “the allegory of the cave” illustrates his idea of the world of Forms and how it is representative in our shit world. In the story, there are people shackled together staring at a wall in a cave. There is a light coming from behind them that they cannot turn to see. There is also a parade of people that they cannot see that is going on behind them. What they can see are the shadows on the wall in front of them that those people and the light are casting. This is our world; we are the people in the shackles. We are seeing a shadow of blueness. The truth of blueness is behind us in its perfect form, but all we can see is the shadow of it, an imperfect version of it.

In the story, one of the people is released from the shackles. When the person sees the light (which is at first a fire behind them and then later sunlight) it hurts the person’s eyes because the light is pure and not just a mere shadow. At first the person cannot see with this light. This illumination is blinding to the person, it is too much. But eventually over time that person will be able to adjust to the light and look out onto this new world and see for themselves. Simply, this is Plato talking about educating the ignorant. At first learning is difficult and even painful – especially if at the end of each lesson you have sex with your old man teacher… I would imagine – but over time it will become easier and you will have an insatiable lust for it (that’s what she said).

If you haven’t figured it out by now, Kristen Stewart is the living embodiment of the Form of “wanting it”. I’m not exactly sure how this happened, but clearly the Forms learned to escape their world that is both unbound by time or space and jump into ours. That had to take forever to learn how to do, but since they live in an infinite world and they are infinite themselves that worked out. I’m guessing here, but the Form of “wanting it” just wanted it so bad that it somehow materialized into a female baby and came out her mother’s vagine and that is Kristen Stewart. Or the mom and dad filled out some paper work and a few weeks later a stork precariously carrying said “wanting it” baby girl in a pink towel in its mouth dropped the baby off on their door step. Those are the two realities to baby making, right? You either have sex sans condom and impregnate the lady or you pay storks to give you a baby from their endless mountains of new born babies they have and are seemingly allowed to have by the government.


I have clearly shown that Kristen Stewart wants it always and forever. I have also shown the shadows of wanting it from people like Jessica Biel and Don Draper (who last night wanted it so bad from the teacher running around the grass in her bare feet). When you came to this blog you knew what “wanting it” was, but you may have not known that Kristen Stewart’s “wanting it” was paramount. From your comments I can judge that now your eyes have been opened and you can see that light that Kristen Stewart is “wanting it”-ness. Seeing her wanting it may have been difficult at first. You may have rebelled against the idea. The light of Kristen Stewart’s want hurt your eyes and impaired your vision. Her want is so bright it diminishes all that is around it and all that awaits your eyes from now on. But after a time, you grow accustomed to that want. You now can see the never ending want that Kristen Stewart has and you can see the glimpses of want in others and can recognize the flaws in them.

And now, when you return to the cave and try to tell the others of the light they will not understand. They are stuck staring at the shadows. They only know the shadows. They only know of George Clooney’s want or Angelina Jolie’s want, they only know of this false reality. When you speak to them of Kristen Stewart’s want and its radiance they will look upon you as being corrupted by this light that they have not seen. How could someone possibly want it that much and all the time? They will fear you and your words. That fear will turn to anger and they will organize to kill you.

At least that is what happens in “the allegory of the cave”. Consequently, the world has this website. Sure the light emanating from this site will hurt your eyes, but I believe my humorous message mixed with the unflinching truth that “Kristen Stewart wants IT” will be able to help easily transition the masses from shadow watching ignoramuses to intelligent headstrong philosophical Kristen Stewart stalkers…. err fans…. At least, fans of how much Kristen Stewart wants IT.

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