When we want to question the government – they do it for us.

When we want to spread the word to others – they do it for us.

When we want to talk about poop – they do it for us!

Anyway, I’m watching the David Letterman episode with the Chilean miner Edison Pena. I have had it DVRed and finally have sat down to watch it. It has been good so far and I’m pretty sure he is going to sing at some point. That isn’t some weird sixth sense I have that I can look into the soul of the Chilean people and realize when some will erupt into song and when others won’t. I think I read about him singing on the show and that’s why I DVRed this. I guess I wasn’t too interested in hearing the harrowing story of being trapped 2000 feet under the Earth’s surface with 33 men and surviving for 70 days … BUT if the man will sing then I’m there.

Can we make that into a television show? People who have survived catastrophes will regale us with their singing. People could vote on Twitter.

HE’S SINGING! He’s survived so much, but he’s still singing! Oh the joys of the human spirit! Oh what a wonderful rendition of “Hey Jude”! Oh he’s so… ehh what’s that? Vote for him? Hell no. He was no where as good as the girl who survived Hurricane Katrina and sang Kesha’s “Your Love Is My Drug”. Honestly, were you even paying attention? Pfffttt…

CONAN

I watched it. I watched the shit out of it. It had no shit left when I finished watching it. It was shitless.

It was good. It was back to being what Conan has always been. The beginning was funny. The opening monologue was good. The set looked good. The back and forth with Andy was good. The interviews were good and the Jack White stuff was excellent.

The two best parts of the show:

– Jack White

– Conan Halloween masks

In all honesty, I cannot get enough of Jack White. The only time I criticize something that Jack White is apart of is when I don’t think there is enough of him in it. I love the White Stripes because it is all Jack White. It is the Jack White show. I’ve listened to the Raconteurs and the Dead Weather albums. They’re good, but they definitely have songs that are throwaways to me because they don’t have enough Jack White on them and he is standing RIGHT THERE. The Raconteurs’ songs that focus on Brendan Benson are the songs I couldn’t give a flying fuck about. And the songs piss me off because Jack White is a couple feet from Benson and they’re telling him to take this song off. I HATE THEM! They are keeping me from having more Jack White!

Do you know how great Jack White is? He is in Cold Mountain and he is good in it. And he sings in it. And he sings great in it. And that scene is good too.

CONAN

I am glad that he is back to having a show for 2 reasons:

1. He is a funny man.

2. I want to be a guest on his show, so he’ll need a show for that to happen.

Oh right… there is a third reason:

3. People can stop bitching that Conan doesn’t have a TV show because the amount of people who do bitch that Conan didn’t have a TV show were way too many people and if all those people who supposedly cared whether Conan had a TV show or not had actually watched Conan on NBC then Conan would still have a show on NBC.

Yeah, that’s right. There are a lot of posing motherfuckers out there. Isn’t it so terrible what happened to Conan? Yeah – and you never watched the damn show to begin with so shut the hell up. Oh I “liked” Conan on Facebook and I “followed” him on Twitter. Yeah? Well, if you actually tuned in for the dumbasses TV show then he would have had “ratings” and then NBC would have been forced to keep the show to begin wit. And yes that is “wit” without the “h” because in that sentence that is how I pronounced it in my head. WIT.

I would love to be on Conan’s show. I would love to be on David Letterman’s show. I’ve watched Letterman since I was in first grade. I’ve watched Conan since its first week on TV. I would love to be on The Daily Show or Colbert, but if I had to choose I would take Letterman/Conan because I’ve wasted much more of my life on them. TDS and Colbert haven’t been on nearly as long, plus they are only a half hour and on 4 times a week as opposed to an hour 5x a week. I don’t want to figure out how much of my life has been spent watching Conan and Letterman because that may be the straw that breaks God’s back into smiting me from this Earth. He has spent how much of his life watching late night talk shows!?! Created in my image, my ass!

If I ever do get to be on Conan or Letterman, I am pretty sure I will mention that this episode would be one of those wildly irrelevant and dated episodes looking back on it in a year’s time. Seriously, I had forgotten all about that guy. I can’t believe he was even famous enough to get on one of those shows.

Also, if I ever get the chance to be on those shows a second time – I’ll do the interview through a translator like Edison Pena. And I’ll randomly burst out into an Elvis Presley song like he did. And I’ll spend the whole time talking about my experiences in the Navy. I’ve never been in the Navy. And every time my translator would translate what I said and everyone would look confused, I would berate my translator for improperly translating what I said. Halfway through the interview I would start talking for myself in English. Also, every once in awhile I would look at the translator and shake my head disapprovingly.

So… these pictures are from Twilight, huh?

What the fuck is this movie about again?

I feel like in 10 years, there will be a press conference on TV where all the people who bought into Twilight will apologize to the world – “I’m sorry. We kind of went crazy there for a minute. High school vampires in love. Vampire babies. Vampire honeymoons. And it was written by some gay hating Mormon too. Can you believe that we are sorry? Because we truly are.”

Oh yeah… she wants IT.

Kristen Stewart, she’s on a boat… almost.

Fuck You

Yep, that’s a big ole’ Fuck You. A big one. That finger means fuck you. The f-u-c-k variety. The kind that people type about on web boards, but never do. And that is directed to all of you. The y-o-u of the fuck you is the royal kind. Royal meaning plural and not royal meaning that I think you are aristocrats from some socialist monarchy with wizards and shit.

So, my apology is fuck you.

Oh wait, did Jordan have a bad day yesterday? Let’s gang up and anonymously call him a baby because he didn’t feel like accepting empty compliments. Yeah! Yeah, let’s pat each other on the back while we’re at it. We’re the funniest and he sucks even though he writes a free blog we all read and meet on to discuss nonsense everyday like our menstrual cycles. Boo Jordan.

Fuck you.

You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me. You don’t know what is going on in my life. There could be some bad shit going on in my life. But does that matter to you – NOPE! Not one break for Jordan. “Just keep on typing you monkey” is what you are all saying. Can’t even allow a guy to have a bad day. If I was at a karaoke bar right now, I wouldn’t sing “LoveGame” or any Lady Gaga. I’d end up singing some song about betrayal like StainD’s “Mudshovel”. Just real depressing stuff because that is how you have made me feel right now. I would also sing “Mother” by Danzig and “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money because it is the LAW that you have to sing those songs if given the opportunity.

But I digress…

You don’t know me! You don’t know what shit is weighing on me. Do you know what day yesterday was? Nope you don’t! You didn’t even know of my existence at this point last year. You don’t know what anniversary it was yesterday, February 24th. You don’t know. Do you? DO YOU!?! That’s right. Some bad shit happened to me yesterday last year. MY PET ALLIGATOR DIED LAST YEAR! How do you feel now, you inconsiderate motherfuckers!?!

That’s right! There’s me and Ally the Alligator. February 24th of 2009 was his last day on this Earth. Sure, he is probably off in alligator heaven, but that doesn’t help any with me crying my eyes out here in New Jersey. And while I am remembering the heartache of losing my pet, no my friend, last year – I have these completely crazy women yelling at me via the internet. THANKS A LOT!

I remember when my Dad and I picked up Ally hitchhiking just outside of Asbury Park, New Jersey when I was four. My dad didn’t like hitchhikers, but there was something special about this hitchhiker: HE WAS A FUCKING ALLIGATOR! Ally somehow liberated himself from the swamps of Florida and headed North. Our only guess was he wanted to live in a more liberal forward thinking society, so he chose New Jersey.

We opened up the van doors and he climbed on in. Right from the start, Ally and I were friends. We weren’t sure how old he was, but from that moment on he was right by side… UNTIL LAST YEAR WHEN HE DIED AND YOU FUCKERS WOULDN’T ALLOW ME TIME TO GRIEVE YESTERDAY ABOUT IT! Ally was so smart and caring.

People told us that we couldn’t keep an alligator because it was illegal and because it was ridiculous and because they were backstabbing artists like you, the readers. But we kept him. My family fell in love with Ally and so did our pet dogs. Ally had a special place in all our hearts, but he really had a bond with me. It probably had to do with how I treated Ally. I treated him not as an alligator, but simply as another pet that I loved.

People told me that you couldn’t teach an alligator to do tricks like a dog, but I proved them wrong when I taught Ally to fetch my slippers. Now, I don’t wear slippers, but he seemed to have a natural fondness for footwear and I didn’t mind him alligator slobbering on some slippers that I don’t wear. Oh, but he loved to fetch those slippers. Brought him so much joy.

Do you know what the first step is in teaching an alligator to fetch slippers? Getting it to not DEATH ROLL you every chance it gets. Alligators like to death roll everything.

And as you can see in the picture, Ally did smoke. It was his burden. It was something he must’ve picked up before we got him, but he was addicted. I taught him how to fetch slippers, but I couldn’t teach him how to break that damn nicotine addiction.

Kristen Stewart loved him too.

I’m not even sure how the two of them met because he died before this site was even started. I’m not sure if she owns a time machine or she wants it so bad she can make herself into a time machine. But either way, they became fast friends. And Kristen loves slippers as far as I know.

So, next time you assume you know what is going on in my life – DON’T. My pet alligator’s death’s anniversary could be happening. You know? What is wrong with you people? Ally was honest and only would have treated you with love and respect when he wasn’t trying to death roll you. He tried to death roll almost all strangers. But you just shitted all over his memory.

I hope you are all proud of yourselves.

Now, I’m going to try and not die in the snowicane. That’s right the SNOWICANE!

Snow + Hurricane – Hurri x snow + Ally the Alligator’s death – your inconsiderateness =

SNOWICANE!

And my sternal head is dry, you empty teases! Dry as fuck!

Questions and comments for Friday. If I live or if I even feel like talking to any of you ever again.

Ally the Alligator

? – February 24, 2009

Rest in Peace, buddy.

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