I’ve done this before, so I’m doing it again.

I am taking the top 10 trending topics on Yahoo and I’m going to do two things to them:

1. Gentle kisses.

Actually, scratch that. I will do three things to them:

1. Gentle kisses.

2. Guess why they are trending without looking up why they are actually trending

3. Explain how Kristen Stewart would defeat them in a prison yard shivving contest.

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But, before I do – I just wanted to mention that this is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which is why you may be seeing more boobs than usual. Oh man, I hope you are seeing more boobs than usual. Honestly, who is really against that? Just seeing more boobs than usual? That’s like getting a little bit more on your paycheck than usual. And money can’t buy you happiness, but boobs can and boobs you can buy with money. Anyway, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, our planet’s President Barack Obama tweeted thus…

@BarackObama: In support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the White House will be lit pink tonight at 6:30.

That’s nice, but I wish “lit pink” was in quotes like “lit pink” because then I would imagine it was an innuendo for getting crazy sexy drunk. What are you doing tonight, Barack? I’m just having some people over and Michelle and I are planning on getting “lit pink” all night. I think Reggie Love is going to be on the 1’s and 2’s spinning it west coast gangsta’ from 11-4 in the morning.

1. David Arquette

I like Cougartown.

Boom! What’s up now? What the fuck is up now? Like is a strong word, but it definitely isn’t “I don’t like Cougartown” and it definitely isn’t “I never want to see another episode of Cougartown again in my life”. It is more so, “I love Modern Family and I never feel like I need to switch the channel after Modern Family is over because Cougartown ain’t a bad like Outsourced is.” Her ex-husband is funny and Busy Philipps could show up on my doorstep and say, “We’re married forever” and I wouldn’t question it ever. She was cool enough for Daniel Desario on Freaks and Geeks than she is cool enough for me. Plus boobs and all.

Anyway, I know David Arquette and Courteney Cox broke up. Supposedly, he is with some new young hot chick. Fair enough. I know two things immediately about Courteney Cox – 1. her name is Courteney and not Courtney. 2. We share the same birthday except she is 19 years older than me. She is a great looking lady and I want her and Jennifer Aniston to become a lesbian couple who occasionally have boy toys and then they film that for Showtime.

Kristen Stewart wouldn’t have to do too much. His only tie to the people’s attention in this world was his wife and now that is over. Next week, will begin the slow fade into obscurity… until Scream 4 comes out and then a month after that he’ll really fade into obscurity and as with all celebrities who lose the spotlight and the affection of the public, his cells will break down and his body will eventually turn to dust and be taken out with the wind. For Kristen, this is a passive waiting game. No sweat.

2. Storm Chasers

Is Twister playing on TNT or something? I think there is a TV show called Storm Chasers, so it could be about them… which ultimately was inspired by Bill Paxton, Helen Hunt, their misfit crew featuring Phillip Seymour Hoffman, as well as evil tornado enthusiast Cary Elwes from the glorious movie Twister.

Not to sound too cynical, but I believe Kristen can wait this one out as well. There is probably a decent mortality rate in “storm chasing” if they are driving around in minivans trying to throw ping pong balls into a T-5 tornado like in the movies. I mean Cary Elwes died.

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Kristen can probably wait until a towering cylinder of win that appear and disappear at undetermined time and have the power to tear buildings in half just unpredictably cuts right through this reality TV camera crew.

3. Deadliest Catch

Uhhhhh… so… Kristen… could… wait… this… one… out… too…

Isn’t this whole show about being the most dangerous job in the world outside of “bomb maker with tourettes” or “Naomi Campbell’s assistant”? I don’t think Kristen really needs to get involved here. They are running the risk on their own survival at all points in time and every time they do survive we are fed with delicious crab. Kristen can just set-up an egg timer and wait this out. Hit the snooze button until it is all over.

4. McRib

I saw an article on Yahoo entitled “Why can’t we find a McRib?” or something similar. That is what we call one of those “good” problems. Why would you want to find a McRib? I never thought people were looking for them. If a McRib is in closer proximity to you then you are slowing dying anyway. It’s like second smoke or carbon monoxide poisoning or watching Rachel Zoe Project – it is destroying you from the inside out whether you know it or not and whether you actively participate in it or not.

If Kristen Stewart eats a McRib she dies. Let’s just get that straight. Let’s get the bad news out of the way and say that if Kristen Stewart is exposed to a McRib for longer than an hour she will die. Have you ever seen Kristen Stewart? She weighs nothing. Her weight is so insignificant that you would have to get multiples of her and weigh them and then divide that by how many multiples you had to get the weight of one Kristen Stewart – you know like how you do with a penny. If I ate a McRib it would render me useless for at least the next 24 – 36 hours. But it probably wouldn’t kill me. It would certainly take years off my life, but at the same time my belly fat will absorb the McRib like the “Borg” from Star Trek and assimilate this horribleness with the rest of the horribleness that will eventually kill me later. But I would survive it. Like 85% chance I would survive eating it. Meanwhile, Kristen has none of that, so the McRib would attack her full force rendering her into a coma she would never awake from maybe two bites in.

To defeat the McRib – well, first thing first, it is not a waiting game in this one. A McRib will last forever. It will change shape and color, but the potency of the molecular evil that is in this composite commercially produced sandwich will never dissipate. Kristen will need to obliterate the McRib immediately. She will only have one chance at this. Once the two are put into the same area to begin their battle for supremacy, every second that passes that Kristen doesn’t blow up the McRib with a want blast then the McRib’s fumes will begin their course of action in toppling the mighty K-Stew. I would suggest a clothespin for her nose and sunglasses for her eyes and wearing a full bomb blast body armor out of The Hurt Locker and ramp up her want to 9000 and blast that fucker into the stratosphere.

5. 50 Cent Rhino

First off, yes.

I read about this before, a rhinoceros was shot 9 times by poachers and survived. Now wildlife people want 50 Cent to adopt it to continue to save its life and because he was shot 9 times and survived. Yes, I want this to happen. I want pictures of 50 Cent and a Rhino 50 Cent.

Kristen ain’t killing this. If anything I believe that celebrities like Kristen Stewart should begin adopting wildlife like rhinos because why not and they should peer pressure 50 Cent into buying his own rhino army. Have you seen that man’s twitter page? Besides a middle school English teacher, that man needs a rhino army stat.

Stand down, Kristen.

6. Katherine Heigl

Hopefully, this is an announcement by Katherine Heigl to start making what people in business call “good” movies. That would be cool. She has been apart of a few good movies like Knocked Up, 100 Girls, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, My Father the Hero and all 10,000 of those day dreams of us living happily together after I saw My Father the Hero when I was 11 – just to name a few. There is a chance she could go back to making good movies again.

Do not be mistaken, Katherine Heigl is a formidable opponent. She has all the traits of a well deserving adversary – she looks good in a bikini, she … that’s really enough right there. I mean when talking about why Hank Aaron is such a great baseball player, saying he hit 755 homeruns is really all you need to say. He was great outside of that as well, but that is perfectly acceptable. I know I’m not alone on this, but Katherine Heigl is really good looking and she can do comedy, so I’m rooting for her to get back into making movies that I don’t feel shameful in seeing.

Preferably, Kristen Stewart would defeat Katherine Heigl via kissing her to death. Or at the very least, kissing her until she submits then Kristen would kiss her some more just for giggles.

7. Leonardo DiCaprio

More like DiCrapio, amirite? I bet all the boys at school called him that while DiCaprio was off finger-blasting their moms. Just a good ole’ finger-blasting. I did write “making out” first, but finger-blasting is just funnier. Also, I enjoy the fact I feel like classing up the joint, but adding the hyphen in there like I’m using the Queen’s English to type out “finger-blasting”.

I honestly was curious as to why Leo is in the news trending. It appears people are now realizing that he is going to be J. Edgar Hoover in a movie called Hoover directed by Clint Eastwood. Sounds very promising. That was announced a while ago, but I don’t expect people to stalk the IMDB page of EVERYONE like I do. Anyway, I was curious about Leo being in the news because Christopher Nolan directed Leo in Inception, which Chris Nolan directed, Nolan also directs the Batman movies, Nolan just announced that Tom Hardy who was in Inception will be in the next Batman movie… so… maybe… Leo… would… be… in… the… new… Batman… but… no.

I don’t want Kristen Stewart to destroy Leonardo DiCaprio because he is making movies I am enjoying nowadays. Well, if there is a way that if Kristen Stewart us unleashed like a Sentinel from X-Men and hunts down Leonardo DiCaprio and kills him with optic blasts and sheer metallic power and then gives Leo’s girl/swimsuit supermodel Bar Refeali an ultimatum that she is to track me down and make me the happiest man on Earth for the rest of our days together (we’re both Jewish, it could work) then she should get on killing Leo already! Outside of that, let the man live so he can continue making good movies.

As for Tom Hardy, I’m excited he is in the new Batman movie. I think he could easily be the new villain. I’m not sure who he should be, but I think he gives a full force performance in whatever role he is given. Also, he is known to physically transform himself for a role like he did in Bronson and like what he was preparing to do for Mad Max. A lot of people assume “the Riddler” will be the next villain. I am a fan of the Riddler and Tom Hardy could definitely be the Riddler (why not). There are a few ideas that I wouldn’t mind seeing in the new Batman movie (all or some would be great): Batman being chased by the police, Catwoman, Two Face dispensing his own justice.

The end of The Dark Knight has Batman starting to be the focus of the police that they need to catch him as an outlaw. That is a great theme in the comic books. He is not a loved man in Gotham. He is a marked man that is a vigilante who needs to be stopped whether or not what he is doing is right or not. He is terrorist in the purest definition of the word. I like that idea. I like that Batman is an anti-hero. Bad guys are in awe of Superman, but they fear Batman. As for Catwoman, there is no female character going into this 3rd movie. And there really hasn’t been any solid female characters in the other 2 (Maggie and Katie were peripheral at best). A strong and sexy opposition for Batman could be great. In these two past movies, Katie/Maggie could have been in love with Bruce, but not Batman. Catwoman wants Batman and not Bruce Wayne. That is interesting and would set this movie a part from the others. Thirdly, I would like to see Two Face back and that funeral at the end of The Dark Knight was a cover-up for Harvey Dent still being alive and being stuffed somewhere in Arkham, but he escapes and is now judging people with the flip of a coin and the trigger of a gun.

I’m so excited for Batman, can you tell?

8. Busch Gardens Coaster

A new roller coaster at Busch Gardens? Get all those people who are eating McRibs to jump on the coaster at once and pretty sure that would kill that thing forever. Easy peasy.

Or Kristen Stewart could get a monkey wrench and take that bitch apart. I heard she used to play with erectorsets when she was a kid, I’m sure that knowledge will transfer. What? You doubt Kristen Stewart’s engineering skills? And you call yourself fans. Pffftttt…

9. Alien Prequel

Why the fuck not? Some people may think that an Alien prequel would be bad because it could hurt the franchise’s integrity. Those people didn’t see Alien 3 or Alien Ressurection. Those movies were not good. Good directors and good actors and still bad movies. Crazy, right? It is a lot harder to make a good movie than people think I suppose. Plus those Alien vs. Predator movies didn’t help anything or anybody. But they should try again with a good director and good actors. The alien from Alien is one of the more memorable creations in cinematic history, so why not go for it.

Supposedly, Natalie Portman is in talks for the movie. I guess to play a younger Sigourney Weaver/Ripley. Makes sense. Natalie is gorgeous, great actress, and she looks good bald. Like really good bald. Like so really good, I should be saying great. Anyway, I’m a fan of Natalie as mentioned yesterday, so I’m all for it. The more movies with Natalie Portman the better. I have rarely heard a rumor of her being in a movie where I wasn’t completely for it. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies – fucking for it! Supposedly, that movie might not happen anymore, but that movie would have been good with Natalie Portman in it.

As for Kristen and Portman doing battle, see item #6 with Katherine Heigl. Kissing contest to the death. I don’t think either would lose. It would just go on forever warming the spirit of humanity and serving as an endless light we should all strive for when creating policy in this great democracy of ours ala John F. Kennedy’s “eternal flame”.

Seriously, how many other blogs have the courage out there to compare two girls kissing to the presidential memorial gravesite in Washington D.C. of our 35th President?

Answer: not enough

Also, Natalie and I would work. I’m Jewish, funny, kind-hearted, and she has terrible taste in men.

10. Matt Damon

Matt Damon needs to be stopped!

Not really. He’s ok in my books. He makes good movies and bad movies and doesn’t seem to be a prick about it. I think he would honestly like that assessment of him. Also, I’m glad he is giving up on the Bourne franchise. The Bourne Ultimatum is the best that movie is going to get. There is no need to keep going with it just because. Let someone else take the it and run it into the ground. Identity was good, Supremacy was a let down and Ultimatum rocked. That is good enough. You can make other movies.

I would like to see him make a comedy that does not have Steven Soderbergh as the director or some Soderbergh disciple. There are a few directors that I think could really use Damon well in a comedy – namely Judd Apatow or Adam McKay. I also wouldn’t mind seeing Ben Affleck and him reteaming for a comedy that maybe they write. It could be semi-autobiographical – it could be about two famous actors who are adversaries or become adversaries.

As for Kristen Stewart defeating Matt Damon? Well, he has had a lot of training for all these action movies, but really *hand job motion* come on – they’re actors, how tough could they be? If she could lure Matt Damon with her lip biting and sexy stare to a room that locks from the outside and once she locks him inside that room she starts a screening for Matt of his movie The Informant! and let’s the movie play on repeat – I’m sure he’ll have killed himself by the opening credits of the third time.

And that’s how we play the Kristen Stewart kills the Top 10 List GAME!!!!!

Questions for Friday!?!

What a gloriously depressing weather day it is today in Central, New Jersey. Thursday was beautiful. Friday was beautiful. Saturday was beautiful. Sunday was beautiful. Monday is shit. I remember thinking to myself late Sunday night “I need a beer”, but after that I remember looking out the window for a moment and noticing the sky was gray. Is it going to suck on Monday? And it does. Outside of the weather, the world is still wild and crazy and that is all I need to keep me going and writing.

I will start this new and always historic week at KSWI with a confession. That’s right! I, KSWI Jordan, will confess something. A deep dark secret. A factoid of knowledge that has lingered in the depths of my heart and brain worrying me, plaguing me, CONFOUNDING ME! So listen up everyone! Stop molesting those altar boys for one holy second Mr. Priests because I have a confession to make.

I confess: I like the Black Eyed Peas.

AHHHHHHH!!!!!! I FEEL THIS BURDEN LIFTING OFF MY SHOULDERS!!!!! I CAN BREATHE!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!! FFFFFPPPHHHHHMMMM (intake “breadth”) FFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFOOOOOO (outtake “breadth”)!!!!! I FEEL SO ALIVE! FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME! I CAN’T DENY YOU! I FEEL SO ALIVE!!! I, I FEEL SO ALIVE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME!!!! AND I THINK I CAN FLY!!!

Hmmm… I think I stole the last few exclamations from the immortal words of P.O.D. and their hit single “Alive”. Which as we all know was rightfully banned from radio and TV because of the tragic events of 9/11. They should have just banned P.O.D. because they suck, amirite? Awww, P.O.D. doesn’t suck. You just said you liked the Black Eyed Peas how can you talk shit on P.O.D.?

Anyway, I recently have found room in my warm bloody heart for the Black Eyed Peas song “Imma Be”:

This began a serious moment of reflection. How many songs from a band do I have to like before I have to acknowledge I like that band? So…

1. “Let’s Get Retarded”

2. “Pump It”

3. “Don’t Phunk With My Heart”

4. “My Humps”

5. “Boom Boom Pow”

6. “Rock That Body”

7. “I Gotta Feeling”

8. “Imma Be”

I have never sat down and listened to a Black Eyed Peas album. I’m not saying I ever will/would. Currently, I have no intentions of ever spending a single dime on the Black Eyed Peas. But I cannot deny that I think they put out some of the better pop/dance singles. Most of the 8 songs mentioned were not only popular, but they were monumentally popular. Either I liked them from the get go or I have been brainwashed into liking them. I just had to say that. It has been something I have wanted to share publicly for a long time and I thank you all for listening.

I confess my adoration for the Black Eyed Peas, but that is not all! I have more to talk about. There was something historic that just happened I would like to take a moment to reflect on, outside of me admitting to myself that the Black Eyed Peas hold some reverence in my musical heart. That thing: Healthcare reform bill passed! HISTORIC!

I will begin this discussion about the Healthcare reform bill passing through the guidance of Ms. Nancy Pelosi by liberally quoting Dawgz. I will, of course, fix his typos because I’m a friend. Not a good enough friend to not mention that there are numerous typos. Dawgz writes like he is the most brilliantly hyperbolic inner-city youth:

With a historic 219-212 health care vote, on a bill that seemed absolutely dead two months ago after Massachusetts fell in love with the hunky Scott Brown and his green pick-up truck, “The Ice Queen” Nancy Pelosi just vindicated her entire political career. Her arm twisting, already legendary, now officially becomes epic. She will go down in history as one of the most formidable Speakers of the House of the last century. I don’t care what you all think of the bill or Pelosi personally, but she forced Obama to get off the sidelines and fight for reform, while also corralling her wavering party to summon the political-will most people did not think they possessed. Impressive stuff for the first leader of Congress with a D rack.

Here is how she did it:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/21/health/policy/21reconstruct.html?ref=politics

And yes, what a lovely bosom that 69 year old Speaker of the House lady has. Are you sensing a list of women over 60 that men should fuck? Because there very well might be one in the future.

“The Ice Queen” Nancy Pelosi, Rahm Emanuel and President Barack Obama should feel elated right now. In face of much much much opposition and nay saying and just overall bullshit pessimism – they passed a healthcare reform bill that many thought was impossible to pass.

Currently, I already imagine that Washington D.C. and the political world there is setup exactly like high school. There are the cliques, the cool kids, the nerds, the outcasts et cetera. And right in the middle of it, I think that Nancy Pelosi and Rahm Emanuel walk around like two high school football playing jocks bullying the rest of the students.

They stride the halls with a cocksure swagger. They push a couple Republican representatives from small states into some lockers. In the cafeteria, they knock Joe Lieberman’s lunch tray out of his hands when he walks by. They’re just really aggressive and vulgar to everyone. And today is most certainly the day for them to just “big dick it” in those hallways.

Rahm Emanuel walks down the hall and smacks Ohio’s 15th district representative, Mary Jo Kilroy, on the ass.

Rahm Emanuel – How’s the Financial Services committee? How’s that hot piece of black ass Maxine Waters doing? She’s got my number. Tell her to “holla”. Question is- do you have my number? Because I got some if you need it.

Mary Jo Kilroy – I am married with two chil-

Rahm Emanuel – I didn’t say you had to get a fucking divorce. I’m talking about some action. *smacks her on the ass again* Whatever, you know where to find me. If you see Bill Posey first, tell that limp dick when I see him I’m going to make him kiss the ring. You’ll know that I’ve delivered the message already if he’s crying like a bitch, am I right? *smacks Mary Jo on the ass one more time* You could bounce quarters off that thing! Peace!

Rahm flashes the peace sign at Mary Jo and then he brings it to his lips and graphically starts sticking his tongue between them.

Rahm Emanuel – You love it.

Rahm continues walking. Rahm walks past Oregon’s 5th district representative Kurt Schrader and fakes throwing a punch at him causing Kurt to flinch. Rahm laughs, calls him a “pussy” and keeps on strutting.

That was fun. But today is really “The Ice Queen’s” day. I wonder how she is celebrating.

Meanwhile…

Somewhere in Washington, three men are having a pleasant conversation: Ohio’s 10th district representative Dennis Kucinich, California’s 25th district representative Buck McKeon, and Alaska’s only representative Don Young. An ominous sound is heard in the distance. A shiver of adrenaline, fear, runs up Dennis Kucinich’s spine.

Dennis Kucinich – Oh no. She’s coming.

Don and Buck look at each other. They see the unbridled terror in Dennis’ eyes. And they now can hear it too. An echo of a steady bass drum heading right to them. The sound is immediately recognizable. It is the rhythmic clopping of high heels on linoleum.

Buck McKeon – It’s Nancy Pelosi. She’s only 10 seconds away and moving in fast.

Don Young – The Doom Bringer? What should we do?

Dennis Kucinich – Run!

Nancy Pelosi – Not so fast you squirrelly fuck!

The three men now sheepishly afraid turn and see the first ever woman Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi walking towards them. Her icy stare freezes their central nervous system and they just watch as she moves closer.

Buck McKeon – I can’t move.

Nancy Pelosi – You better not move, Buck, because I’ll chase you. And I’ll catch you. And you know what happens when I catch one of you bitches who runs from me?

Buck McKeon – You pants them in front of everyone.

Nancy Pelosi – You’re damn right about that.

Nancy reaches the three of them. She appears to be looming over them like a 7 foot tall Hakeem Olajuwon.

Buck McKeon – Good morning, Nancy.

Don Young – Good morning, Nancy. You look radiant today.

Nancy Pelosi – Take your tongue out of my ass for a minute, Don. All you had to say was “good morning”.

Nancy ball taps Kucinich which doubles him over. Don and Buck wince in empathy.

Nancy Pelosi – No “good morning” from the Keebler elf? Come on, Dennis, let’s hear it.

Dennis Kucinich – *gritting his teeth in nauseating pain* Good morning, Ms. Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi – That’s better. So what’re you fags talking about? Fucking each other, right? Did I interrupt you three making out? Triple kissing homos.

Don and Buck are wide-eyed disgusted. Kucinich is still bent over holding his crotch.

Nancy Pelosi – I’m just fucking with you. I know you all aren’t queers. Old Buck McKeon? Buck “who likes to fuck” McKeon? Straight as an arrow. And Don Young? You must’ve been beating chicks off with a stick up there in the snow. I mean girls had to choose between fucking you or a polar bear, am I right? I’d choose you too, Donnie boy.

Nancy notices Kucinich is still in pain.

Nancy Pelosi – Come on, Dennis. I didn’t hit you that hard. I just flicked it.

Nancy helps Dennis back to an upright standing position.  

Nancy Pelosi – You may look like a little faggy tree elf, but we all know you’re a sex monster, right? What did you do this weekend? You dog that hot redhead wife of yours? You get some stank on that pecker? I bet you did, you weird little creep. I bet you get freaky with her. I know I would. I know I would. So give up the deets. Give up the details. You get some stank on that little flesh patch you call a dick?

Nancy Pelosi ball taps Kucinich again. He doubles over again. Nancy walks around behind and grabs hold of him on either side of his waist.

Nancy Pelosi – Yeah, I would grab that sexy fire crotch skinny bitch around her narrow waist and just boom boom boom…

Nancy proceeds to pound Dennis Kucinich from behind as Don and Buck look on revolted.

Nancy Pelosi – Uh huh, that’s some good pussy right there.

Nancy then gives Dennis a couple good hard spanks which make Dennis’ knees buckle for an instant. After a few more fake penetrations, Nancy pulls out her imaginary penis and pantomimes finishing herself off all over Kucinich’s back.

Don and Buck look horrified as if they did just watch Nancy Pelosi rape Dennis Kucinich from behind and did nothing to stop it from happening. Kucinich proceeds to tug at his jacket like it’s a security blanket. He looks to be in shock from the whole violation.

Nancy Pelosi – Whew, that was pretty hot. Whew, really hot. My nipples could cut glass right now. I have to admit, Dennis is such a weirdo that my clam is usually dryer than the Mojave Desert when he is around. But right now, I’m wetter than the Pacific Ocean.

Nancy Pelosi starts sniffing the air.

Nancy Pelosi – Can you smell it, boys?

Don and Buck are utterly disgusted.

Don Young – Ms. Pelosi, you are the most vulgar-

Nancy Pelosi – You can smell it. Don’t you lie to me, you son of a bitch. You know you can smell it. I know I can. Tell me what that smell is, Fucky Bucky.

Buck McKeon – Well, it’s your va-

Nancy Pelosi – It’s democracy.

Buck, Don and Dennis look thoroughly confused.

Nancy Pelosi – And it smells glorious. See you ass clowns later. I have to go do an interview with that twat Kouric. I’m going to go gloat on television, boys.

Nancy stomps off down the hall. After 15 powerful strides or so she stops and turns.

Nancy Pelosi – The smell of democracy and “this”.

Nancy forcefully grabs her crotch. She then smells her fingers and then gives Don, Dennis and Buck the finger and keeps on walking.

Nancy Pelosi – Fags!

– End Scene –

I am twisted and it is still raining outside. I love politics!

or not at work… a lot of people are unemployed. *wah wah*

Today’s post is clearly not about what I teased yesterday. I might write about that tomorrow. I honestly forgot the State of the Union address was on last night while I was writing yesterday’s post. I did realize it later in the day and watched it last night. Hopefully, you all did as well. You didn’t? Why not? Politics are sexy, right? There are a lot of 60+ year old men in the House and Senate, am I right!?!

Here is President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address from last night.

You should watch it. Why? It’s the damn STATE OF THE UNION! And by “Union” we all should know we mean “Everything”. Barack Obama is the President of the United Planets of EVERYTHING! Plus Barack is the Golden Child. Sean Hannity has a different name for him, “the Annoited One”, but Sean Hannity is also an ASSHOLE. If you are a fan of Fox News I would be surprised if you read this blog, but if you are you have to admit the guy is a total dick. Later in this blog I’m going to talk about House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and how she is the ball busting “Ice Queen”. But I love her. There is no way people can rationally think Sean Hannity isn’t an asshole. Like him or not – a-hole. Moving on…

I should have done my whole cell phone picture thing like I did for yesterday’s post. But I didn’t. I stupidly assumed that the footage that would be on Youtube today would be the SAME footage as shown last night. That would make sense. It isn’t. The footage is cropped different and you can’t see Biden and Pelosi as much. On the television box set you could see their faces the whole time pretty much –  todas las cabezas. Now you can’t. Which in all honesty ruins a ton of my jokes… that is unless you watched it on TV last night.

Also, I’m pretty sure Dawgz would’ve killed me if I was pausing the speech every other minute to snap an iPhone picture of every panning shot. That is the other thing – the cut away shots seem to be different. So, I’m not the happiest right now because there were so many pictures I could have taken. Anyway, I’ll try to be interesting or funny or whatever without them. I did take a couple screenshots off the youtube video 

Onto the speech. I thought it was great. I thought it was a great speech where Obama went on the offensive and spoke in plain terms trying to undo a lot of the inaccurate bashing of his first year as President. There was some great moments that everyone online is talking about like the Republicans not applauding for 95% of all working families receiving tax cuts. Because Republicans are against cutting taxes? I’m sure they know better than I do since they represent the “working man” and everything. Even Barack expected them to stand-up and applaud and he says so in the speech.

It is always funny watching for either the applause or not applause moments from the Republicans. One great moment was during this part of the speech from Barack on stimulating the economy:

“I’m proposing that we take $30 billion of the money Wall Street banks have repaid and use it to help community banks give small businesses the credit they need to stay afloat-

Sounds like a good idea, right? Remember when people said Barack hasn’t done anything this past year meanwhile he fixed the banks and they are now paying back the money we used to bail them out. They haven’t paid it ALL back, but they’ve paid a lot back. So we take that money we are getting back from them and now could be reinvesting  it into small buisnesses. Either way, the Republicans are not applauding.  

“I am also proposing a new small business tax credit — one that will go to over one million small businesses who hire new workers or raise wages-

New workers? Yeah, right? Raising wages? Yeah, right? Tax credit? Yeah, right? The Republicans are still not applauding.

“While we’re at it, let’s also eliminate all capital gains taxes on small business investment; and provide a tax incentive for all businesses, large and small, to invest in new plants and equipment.”

AND THEY ARE ON THEIR FEET APPLAUDING! YEAH! MONEY! THIS IS THE PART WHERE WE CAN MAKE MONEY! YEAH MONEY FOR US! There are two things Republicans hate – Capital Gains taxes and Death Taxes – not something most people in this country need to give a fuck about it. But whatever, they’re the big tent party and all representing the working man.

Also, look out for the Montgomery Burns look-a-like in the crowd on the Republican side. He is wearing an orange tie and he looks like he is doing the trademarked “eggggg-ssssell-ent”. I found this online somewhere, but the quality isn’t the best. Anyone you get the point.

Also, a nice set of standing ovations from the Republicans was when Barry was talking about “energy”. They weren’t really clapping or standing during the mention of solar energy or new technology like fuel cells or biodiesel or anything that is really “green”. But those dudes fucking loved it when he mentioned “nuclear power”.

Yeah! Nuclear! We love to smash atoms*! Argh yes! We’re Republicans and we love nuclear energy!

Then Barry mentioned gas… YES! YES! YES! GASOLINE! The energy of the FUTURE! Gas! We love setting things on fire that has fumes! Oh yes! FOSSIL FUELS! Rub them on my body! Then light it on fire! I love drilling into the Earth for the remains of dead dinosaurs and shoving it into my car and lighting it on fire! YES! GASOLINE!

And finally… “clean coal”. Yeah. They weren’t so psyched about “clean coal” because I don’t think that is an actual “thing” that “exists”, but some politician said it and both sides run with it. So yeah, “clean coal”. Wooh. Rocks that we can set on fire. Yeah.

Besides the speech, there is a lot of other humor in the State of the Union. I would suggest keeping an eye on Nancy “The Ice Queen” Pelosi. Watch her death stare people in the crowd. Watch her angry talk to herself whenever a Republican issue is brought up or if they make any noise in the crowd. Watch her chew out Joe Biden a few times. And especially watch Joe “The Celtic” Biden stand everytime Pelosi stands knowing that she will definitely tear him a new asshole if he doesn’t. They’re like an old married couple it is brilliant. He just nods and she berates and yells.

They don’t show it on the Youtube video, but Pelosi is furious at the beginning of the speech. They announce Barack to walk in and everyone is getting handshakes. Meanwhile, Pelosi is giving Biden an earful*. She looks wild and Biden just slowly nods his head along.

I would love to know who the black woman in the red is sitting next to Pelosi. I’m not sure who she is, but I pray she works for Pelosi. I hope she is Pelosi’s right hand woman. The two of them keying Republicans’ cars in the parking lot. She has to reign in Nancy every once and awhile when Nancy suggests putting on ski masks and mugging any member of the House of Reps who doesn’t vote along the way she wants.

Don’t you get the feeling that a few House members have awoke to Nancy Pelosi sitting in their kitchen smoking a cigarette with a cup of black coffee and their morning newspaper. They’re startled and she makes vague calm threatening statements about knowing where their family is at all times of the day “just in case”. Pelosi runs the House.

And, maybe, my favorite part of the speech was the two mentions of the graceful First Lady Michelle Obama. The first one marking the childhood obesity project she is working on. Did everyone clap? Did everyone stand? You bet your fucking ass they stood. You bet your fucking ass they clapped. You don’t mess with a man’s wife. And Barack is THE MAN. The Republicans stood and clapped and even hammed it up trying to get her to stand and give a bow. Because if you didn’t – you know Barack is going to kick your ass.

I’m actually pretty swamped at work, so that is going to be enough for today. I really liked the speech and pretty much every speech I’ve ever heard by Barry. Listening to him speak makes my brain want to work faster. When I listen to Barack give a speech like last night, when Barack gives formal speeches in general, he does make me have hope for the future. Not just down the road in the long run all Hegelian like. But for this year. He has pulled the banks together, put the car industry through bankruptcy, moving troops out of Iraq and yes into Afghanistan where more troops should have been which was why we started losing ground there, we’re closer to healthcare reform than we ever have been and I think we’re a stronger country now than we were at W’s last State of the Union.

So to paraphrase a great quote by Bryant Gumbel concerning the 1982 Dolphins/Chargers football playoff game – “If you didn’t like this hope filled speech then you didn’t like hope!”

Welcome back from our 72 hour extended commercial break.

I did not get a chance to touch on a certain subject on Friday’s post. I am a slave to my own intangible and completely non-existent rules that Friday is based on topics from the comments section from Monday thru Thursday. Because of this, I did not write about a news piece that is completely near and dear to my heart. It was a moment in time that will forever bring tears to these sorry blue eyes. It was a moment when I could truly be proud to be alive. With that in mind:

We fucking blew up the Moon!

YYYYeeeeaaaaahhhhh!!!!! Take that Moon! Fucking take that! What’s up now? What’s up now, Moon!?! I’m guessing you woke up Friday morning thinking we were all cool and shit. I’m guessing you thought we were boys, but nah. We blew your ass up. And by us, I do mean “u”-“s”. The US of MF-ing A blew up your bitch ass! Not Earth! Earth had no part, well relatively no part in this. Only 300 million human beings, countless amounts of dogs and cats, goldfish, birds, cattle, chickens, wild animals in zoos, rodents, insects, earthworms and, of course, Barack Obama, NASA, and Yours Truly blew up the Moon. No one in Canada, Bora Bora, Turkey, the Former Soviet Union, the Congo, Peru or anywhere else can lay claim to firing a rocket at the Moon and blowing it’s dumb ass up.

Not only did Barack Obama receive the Nobel Peace Prize on Friday morning, but he also launched the first (of hopefully many) assault on S-P-A-C-E, SPACE! The President of the United States isn’t just the President of the “Free World”, he is the Supreme Ruler of the Inter-Galactic “Free World”. He fucking blew up the damn Moon! Can you think of any other country on Earth that could do that with out being nuked a second later? And who would nuke that country? The US of MF-ing A! We run shit! All of it.

Barry is not the first President to rule EVERYTHING, but he is the first to truly enforce it. Ever since we planted the Stars and Stripes on the Moon in ’69, we’ve owned it. Good ole’ Dubya did lay claim to Mars and started two wars in the Middle East, but even he wasn’t brazen enough to start…. Wait for it… the

STAR WARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yes! Obama is reeling back the troops in Iraq. He is pushing up his game in Afghanistan to defeat the Taliban as quick as possible. And he fired a rocket and attacked the Moon. Does anyone else see where this is going? We’re going to start space jumping our army from planet to planet like Space is the Pacific Rim in WWII. This was a wake up call to Space to start shitting bricks! We’re shooting first and asking questions never! So what’cha gonna’ do Brotha’ when these 24-inch Red, White and Blue biceps runs wild on you, Space!?!

As we wait and see what bitch ass aliens will do in response to the USA pre-emptive striking the Moon, I will discuss famous movie alien villains and if they want it.

Alien (1979)

If you’re going to start somewhere then start with the word itself “Alien”. This movie is incredible. Not only is the original incredible, but the sequel is a great action movie as well. And the third one was… dark. Like literally dark, like I need a flashlight to watch it. And the fourth *pause* I threw up. Ugh, I threw up just thinking about Alien: Resurrection. So the first is unreal amazing, the second is wildly fun, the third is dark and dirty as in it is not well lit and there are traces of mud on each DVD copy, and the fourth *pause* I didn’t throw up all the way. I burped and felt it come up and then subside, so I feel worse and my throat burns, but no actual vomit. Whether you’ve seen any of the movies or not, you definitely know what the “Alien” looks like. Do the Aliens from Alien want it?

 

Hell yeah they do! Look at it. They want it bad. A lot of people have mentioned to me that one reason why Kristen Stewart looks like she wants it all the time is because her mouth is almost always slightly open. Kristen’s mouth is usually ajar and so are the Aliens’. I’m not saying having an open mouth means you necessarily want it, but having your mouth slightly open all the time because you want it so bad you have a difficult time closing your mouth means you want it. I’m guessing about 15 minutes ago if someone asked you “are there any similarities between Kristen Stewart and the wet slick, black, acid spitty, laying eggs in people’s chests, 100% murderous, purely violent Id, Aliens from the movie Alien?” you would have said “no”. You probably should have called the cops as well. That fictional person could very well be the craziest person on Earth and dangerous, maybe not to you, but definitely to themselves.

 

But now you know, Aliens and Kristen Stewart both have their mouths generally open and want it. Do the Aliens want it as much as Kristen Stewart? Now you’re the craziest person on Earth asking that. Of course not. Although the Aliens do indeed have two mouths, they still don’t want it as much as K-Stew. A couple reasons, the Aliens are running on basic instincts. They want it, but there is no conscious decision to want it. Also, they have no eyes. Kristen Stewart’s eyes want it like Obama wants to unleash hell on the Moon. So two mouths don’t make up for no eyes.  

Predator (1987)

The greatest movie to ever feature two Governors: Predator! I love this movie. No lie, this was the very first DVD I owned. This movie is fantastic. Definitely one of my favorite action movies of all time. It begins as a typical action movie set in the jungle and then begins to transform into a sci-fi horror movie which then turns into the most epic one-on-one war, not battle, between Arnold Schwarzenegger versus The Predator. It is so good. Predator 2 is purely outrageous and I love it because I love anything with Danny Glover. So does this shoulder mounted laser rifle shooting, foot long steel claws, Bob Marley dread locks having, crab faced “you’re one ugly motherfucker”, 7 foot tall, tree jumping, human filleting, neon yellow/green blood, and turn himself invisible with a touch of a button Predator want it?

 

I would think so! You don’t walk around with all that bad ass stuff and not want it. That would be counter intuitive. The Predator travels from unknown corners of the universe to traipse around killing dudes in the Central American jungles and New York City. The Predator definitely wants it. But not too much though. There are points in both the original and the sequel where the Predator retreats. One of the more memorable scenes in Predator 2 is the Predator using his first aid kit in the bathroom of a wrecked New York City apartment. Pain and injury will suck the want right out of the Predator. You all saw Kristen Stewart eat it on the concrete. Did KS look like she wanted it any less? No. Pain, fear, hunger, and concrete – they do not stop Kristen Stewart’s want. And I have a hard time believing anyone or thing with dreadlocks wants it that badly. Just saying.

 

Also, as the Predator has continued to appear on the silver screen since the original Predator, the Predators appear to want it less and less. The first Predator wanted it. No question. He had some moments of hesitation and I feel like hiding around in trees is a sign of not wanting it, but when it was time to ‘want it’ it was like a hurricane of want. There was less want in Predator 2. And in, the Alien vs. Predator movies, the Predators have become almost humanized and they don’t want it nearly as much. But the one Predator does become friends with Sanaa Lathan. By friends I mean he marks her. If I was in his situation I would’ve “marked” her as well. That Predator knows what’s up. She’s hot. Either way, refracting light so you can hide I take as a sign of not wanting it. Kristen Stewart does not hide her want. Kristen Stewart’s want is like a beacon of light that illuminates the shadows of this world. Plus anyone who tries to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse “The Body” Ventura is a dick in my book.

 

Pitch Black (2000)

Great movie. Some people would say Vin Diesel makes shitty movies. Those some people would be correct except for like 3 movies. Most of his movies do suck. But he was in Saving Private Ryan for a little bit, he was in Boiler Room which was pretty good, and he was in Pitch Black which is pretty great. One of the best parts of Pitch Black is that a lot of characters in that movie are technically “bad guys”. The main characters are flawed and it is hard to root for any of them initially. Radha Mitchell is very hot, but her character willingly killed hundreds of innocent people to make sure she lived, which John Stuart Mill wouldn’t have agreed with. Cole Hauser’s character is a big asshole and a drug addict. Vin Diesel’s character, Riddick, is a mass murderer. Also, there are a bunch of black pterodactyl aliens that come out of the center of the planet they crashed on every so many years when there is a total eclipse to feast on the flesh of any living thing that happens to be walking around. You may have guessed those guys are the real bad guys.

 

And they want it. But again, not too much. They only want it in total darkness. Which I’m sure we’ve all experienced that sentiment once or twice, right? Yeah, I always like it with the lights off, sure that makes complete sense. They have no eyes which I mentioned was a no-no. What’s with aliens missing their eyes? Who is taking their eyes? A creep that’s who. They can only “see” with their radar like hearing which is lame. It’s a neat party trick and all, but you can’t want it nearly as much as the sighted. So yes, automatically Kristen Stewart wants it more than any blind people. Blanket generalization, deal with it. And, the alien creatures traveled in packs. This is a lack of confidence and with that there is less want. That can be applied to men and women as well. Confidence and want have a positive relationship.

Lastly, they weren’t aliens and they don’t want it as much as Kristen Stewart, but these three still fucking want it… badly.

 

Independence Day (1996)

Just using the “wanting it” deduction skills from earlier that having dreadlocks and no mouth would mean right away that the aliens in Independence Day do not want it nearly as much as Kristen Stewart. Having big glassy eyes and no mouth in unacceptable. And what is with aliens and dreadlocks? Outside of shooting rockets at the Moon, have we been pumping Peter Tosh into Space the last 30 years? It is hard to truly hate reggae. I think that people may not love it and may not want to listen to CD after CD to it, but everybody likes a little reggae every once and a while. Especially aliens. And we all love Jamaica, right? Who wasn’t rooting for the Jamaican bobsled team 10 minutes into Cool Runnings? And you know you were sad when they lost. I’m just saying, “Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme, get on up, it’s bobsled time! COOL RUNNINGS!!!!”

What? I don’t know. So needless to say these aliens didn’t want it too much. But I had to bring this movie up for three reasons that are each beyond ridiculous. I have continually thought about these three things and their ridiculousness for about every day for the past 13 years: 1. Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith saving the world with a Mac Powerbook and a nuke, 2. Africans defeating the spaceships and 3. Vivica A. Fox stripping scene.

1. Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum use a mid-90’s Mac Powerbook to defeat all the aliens. Using the most primitive wireless Ethernet card that probably needed to a hand crank to start it, Jeff Goldblum hacked the aliens’ internal wi-fi network and uploaded a computer virus that took down all of the alien shields. You may think that these aliens were so advanced because they had exoskeleton suits, they could use telepathy, they had huge spaceships with impenetrable force fields, they could zip around the universe in these spaceships, they had a huge mega cannon that could destroy cities in one shot and all this other nonsense. But all that is bullshit when you aren’t smart enough to load up McAfee’s Anti-Virus software on your ‘puters. Bunch of idiots. Also, a big thanks is in order for America again because we saved all the rest of your sorry asses by knocking those force fields offline and blowing up their mother-ship with a nuclear warhead.

 

2. As unbelievable as that is, even more unbelievable is that once the force fields were down and Randy Quaid rammed his fighter jet right up the open butthole of the big spaceships and we Morse coded it to everyone around the world… there was a shot of the huge spaceships crashing to Earth destroyed in the middle of the Serengeti with Maasai tribal warriors jumping up and down in celebration. First, I don’t think the Maasai know Morse code or even had the ability to receive the Morse code transmission. Second, all they had were their spears. That’s right the Maasai warriors took down those spaceships chucking their spears at the center of the “primary weapon”! Fuck that’s badass! They must’ve just been standing underneath just slingin’ it. Just throwing their spears directly up with enough velocity to not only reach the spaceship hovering hundreds of feet in the air, but to destroy that huge beam cannon. Badass.

3. Vivica A. Fox stripping and no one paying attention is the most ridiculous thing that happens in Independence Day. It is completely unrealistic to think that Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith could defeat a sophisticated alien network with a Mac Powerbook and a computer virus. It is even crazier unrealistic to think that a bunch Africans with spears could destroy a spaceship. And it is completely utterly stupidly unrealistic to think that if Vivica A. Fox was stripping naked in the general vicinity that anyone would pay attention to anything else. I don’t care that it was an alien invasion! You know you would be watching the alien invasion out of your peripherals meanwhile you would be focused on Vivica getting naked. That’s just absurd to think otherwise.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

They wanted, their noises were their weakness, and this movie used to scare the crap out of me when I was a kid. Not only did it scare the crap out of me, but I watched it all the time for some reason. Maybe not the “crap”, but it did scare me when I was young. But I guess the movie was that damn good that I couldn’t stop watching because I’ve seen it no less than 8 times.

Actually just thinking about it is freaking me out a little, so let me just say that clowns want it, but these clowns were big and lethargic and lethargy is not conducive with wanting it. The Joker and Harley Quinn are the King and Queen of clown wanting it and even they do not compare to Kristen Stewart’s want. So needless to stay these big pasty faced, shark toothed, creeps … uh I’m freaked out. I need to stop writing about this. I need to focus on something else to make it better…..


 
Finding pictures of aliens on Google was not easy for some reason. But I was thinking in honor of us starting the intergalactic wars on Friday morning that this week could be an all Space all aliens week if you wanted. Like Shark Week, but with more Kristen Stewart and aliens. So not much like Shark Week. I’ll probably write about Space/Aliens regardless of you wanting it or not, but I would like to hear what you think anyway.

It is Friday. I have good news and bad news. The good news is… well… the bad news is that there will be no blog on Monday morning because it is Labor Day weekend. There is a good chance I’ll either be violently hungover or continuing to drink around the time I typically write this blog. So you’ll have to wait until Tuesday for more of the ridiculousness. There was a band called ‘Til Tuesday, right? Maybe that is the “good news”. I made you reconnect with a one hit wonder band from the 80’s. That is terrible “good news”. That “good news” may be worse than the “bad news”.

Let me start over, I have bad news and awful news. Bad news is there is no blog on Monday. Awful news is that now you are going to have “Voices Carry” by ‘Til Tuesday stuck in your head all Labor Day weekend.

Also, I am not 100% positive, but these questions could be made up as well as the people who wrote them. I am investigating this as you read this. I’m also standing right behind you!

Actually, I’m no where near you at this point. Unless you are right behind me!?! Nope. Ok, I scared myself on that one. Onto the fictional or non-fictional mail bag.

Kyle of Miami, FL writes – “Best blog on the internet. My question is all these chicks who want you to email them, why don’t they just email you?”

Excellent fucking question, Kyle. I’m glad you brought this up and not me, but believe me I will run with it. I will run with it like Usain Bolt jacked on crystal meth. Why don’t they email me? I don’t know. Not to sound like I’m gloating, but there are a bunch of you. It seems to change with the wind which one of yous is married. How am I supposed to keep all of this straight? I would need detailed spreadsheets that have intersecting colored bars and numbers, lots of them, to make any sense of this and then still I wouldn’t be sure. I can’t in good conscious send out an email saying “what’s up sexy?”, which is how I start all email relationships, to a lady that I am only 60% sure she’s not married.

Maura of South Bend, IN writes “Greatest blog of all time. You are obviously a man’s man, so why do these girls want you to watch girly shows and movies?”

2 for 2. Egg-zack-lee. You and your girlfriends can go buy shoes or pre-order tickets for Lady Gaga  (don’t give me shit for picking her because her songs are undeniably catchy. “Poker Face” that is catchy. You would need to put me through A Clockwork Orange and/or Room 23 from Lost re-education/torture room to make me not instantly start tapping my feet when that comes on. And I don’t think she is a hermaphrodite).My friends and I can get blitzed while watching the NFL and playing beer pong on Sunday through both the 1pm and 4pm games. I don’t see a problem with us having separate hobbies where we can indulge in more gender specific activities with friends.

A relationship not only needs each partner to experience time apart, but when there is time together they should learn from each other. I’ll say it right now. I don’t eat spinach. Yeah! Get it out of my face. If we’re at “Boston Market” and they ask for our side dishes “spinach” has never been uttered by me. I just may ask for several more pieces of corn bread instead of technically a “side dish”, but I am man and I live in the man’s world of “Boston Market” and they’ll serve me my makeshift cornbread combo. So I don’t eat spinach.

Let’s say you are a Popeye loving girl and you plan on fixing where you see a crack in my near perfect exterior. “Baby why don’t you at least try the spinach in the casserole I made?” At first I’ll reach for the nearest imaginary hand gun to shoot you and your casserole, but after cooler temperatures prevail with some smiles and maybe some words of encouragement I may end up trying it. Who knew you made the mfing greatest spinach casserole? And now every tuesday is spinach casserole night along with “Sons of Anarchy” on FX. Sidenote: I will never eat spinach.

The roles can be reversed and I will teach you things. Let’s say we are out to dinner somewhere, but you are in kind of a bitchy mood because work sucked and Tanya ate your Greek yogurt even though you wrote your name on the lid before you put it in the refrigerator. Instead of confronting Tanya you are now bringing it into our relationship world and passive aggressively taking it out on me. I’m sitting there smiling and I look up from my menu as you pretend not to notice and continue reading yours:

Jordan – I thought you would like to know I’m DVRing on Palladia some rare concert footage of The Beatles playing the White Album from beginning to end.

You – Revolver is the best Beatles album.

Jordan – Are you nuts!?!

I then take the decorative lit candle on the table and use it to set your menu on fire.

And that right there is when the learning begins about how clearly the best Beatles album is the White Album. Or it doesn’t have to be about music. Music is very subjective. Maybe Revolver is your favorite Beatles album because of how experimental it was and that showed depth to you. So I could teach you about literature.

Again, imagine we are out at a restaurant. There is no special occasion for this dinner out. It was a default choice because you didn’t feel like cooking even though it was written in permanent marker on the calendar that it was your night to cook, but I guess we abandon rules when a certain someone has a couple of cocktails with her co-workers at a happy hour near the office and, of course, that guy Geoff who is always hitting on you and flirting with you was there which I thought we discussed you were not going to hang out with him. I’ve told you I’m going to break his legs, poor sugar in his gas tank and call the cops on him claiming he brags about downloading child porn if I ever see him around you again. “Geoff”? Spell it right asshole! It is Jeff.

Nevertheless, I’m calm and we are eating. Or really I’m eating and you’re trying to sober up by guzzling pitchers of tap water and stuffing your face with the dinner rolls soak up all those appletinis in your belly. And then you decide to be funny and say something you know will piss me off:

You – No Exit is Sartre’s best play.

I slowly stand-up. Flip the table over. And then throw it out the motherfucking window.

Jordan – Are you fucking high!?! No Exit!?! What are you a sophomore in college!?! I can understand if you said Dirty Hands, I don’t agree with it, but I can understand that. Sartre’s best work is THE DEVIL AND THE GOOD LORD!

At this point I start throwing glasses and silver ware against the walls to illustrate my point.

Jordan – It is Sartre writing Faust. How could it possibly get any better? It is a tale of war. Goetz! Goetz may be the greatest character in all of Sartre’s plays and is one of the greatest in 20th century literature!

This is how the learning begins again. Remember Plato and I never said it would be gum drops and lollipops. Learning can get rough. Like you may need to spend a night in jail rough. 

“Iced Tea” Woman of Dunkin’ Donuts this morning writes “I seriously love the blog. My questions is, don’t you think I acted like a crazy bitch?”

Yes, yes I did. When you first walked in the Dunkin’ Donuts, I did not immediately think you were a crazy bitch. Sure enough when you started pseudo-yelling at the cashier for an iced tea that you forgot to take with you, I didn’t hesitate for a second to label you as a “crazy bitch” in my head. If it was the cashier’s fault and they forgot to pack the iced tea with everything else you bought then I can see being a little frustrated, not mad though. But it was your fault because you simply just left the drink there for no apparent reason and then 10 minutes later came storming in as if it was the one true ring that rules them all you left behind. My precious Dunkin’ Donuts iced tea.

Also it is too bad you didn’t meet your kins-women aka other “crazy bitch” who almost ran me over in the parking lot when she was backing out of her space even though she clearly watched me walk behind her car as well as the fact that there was another car right behind her. I think the two of you would have gotten along famously.

Scottie from Seoul, South Korea writes “I think your blog is so good people should pay to read it. Isn’t Megan Fox the greatest?”

She is pretty great. I didn’t like Transformers 2 nor is Megan Fox my #1 crush or whatever. She’s hot and she is a black hole of want. I didn’t make it up. Those are just the facts. Someone (I know who, but if I started quoting screen names in my references it would show how obsessed I am with the comments section) said that I should have just made the post about Jennifer Connelly. This isn’t mix and match here. Megan Fox’s want abilities and Jennifer Connelly’s want abilities are very different. If Jennifer was the greatest want vortex then I would have said so.

On the topic of Jennifer Connelly, there have been a few movies where she plays a wife that a guy is angry/frustrated about coming home to everyday. Wild shenanigans on that. Do you know what husband doesn’t like coming home to Jennifer Connelly? The gay ones. Simple question, when you come home from work today do you want Jennifer Connelly to be there? Yes. What about tomorrow? Yes. The day after that? Yep.

Barack of Washington DC writes “Big fan of the blog. I can see now Kristen Stewart really wants it. How do you think Kristen Stewart’s want can best help my administration?”

I’ve been waiting for this question ever since I started this blog. Kristen could be an ambassador for America and go around showing off her want. She could go from country to country and show the proletariat her undying want. They will all be left in tears of joy and will follow America forever. They would shun their own governments to follow Kristen Stewart and if their governments would like any public support they will need to have Kristen’s approval first, which in essence would just be America’s approval. We can’t have Kristen bogged down with making political/economic decisions. She needs to be out there putting her want on the big movie screen and making rash hair style choices when she easily could have just gotten a wig.

 

Ella of Morristown, NJ writes “I did not believe perfection existed before this blog now your words have shown me the truth. How do you think Kristen Stewart, in one-on-one battles, would go about defeating Iron Man, Rocky, Luke Skywalker, King Kong and Harry Potter?”

Kristen Stewart’s want would cause Iron Man’s “arc reactor” to overload and blow up which would kill him.

Kristen Stewart’s want would pummel Rocky for 12 rounds and win her a one-sided unanimous decision victory. Rocky is too brain dead stupid to feel or know pain so she can’t knock him out or make him quit. But Rocky has no defense or care to learn any so K-Stew would be landing clean want shots all night.

Kristen Stewart would just want the lightsaber right out of Luke’s hand. Luke would try to use the force to get it back, but the force isn’t real. Kristen Stewart’s want is real. Then she’d probably cut him to shit with the lightsaber.

Kristen Stewart’s want would tame the beast. King Kong was a misunderstood giant who only wanted to know love and feel secure in life. Kristen Stewart’s want would have warmed the ape’s soul and he would have become her pet. Kristen would forego trains, planes and automobiles (not the movie because it is the best) for using King Kong as her general means of transportation.

Kristen Stewart would just punch Harry Potter in the face. Or kick him in the nuts. Harry Potter may have a couple of spells, but he’s five foot nothing, a hundred and nothing. He can’t take any physical abuse. If Voldemort knew what was good for him he would just jump the kid instead of trying to challenge him to wizard battles. Hey Harry, what’s that? He turns, you throw a rock at him, he shrieks in pain and then you just ground-and-pound him (that’s what she said). I haven’t noticed a Brazilin Jiu-Jitsu class at Hogwarts, have you?

 

And sidenote: didn’t like the first movie, thought the second movie was eh minus the Branagh stuff which was funny, I liked the rest of the movies, I like Snape because he looks like Trent Reznor and Alan Rickman does rule and I have a healthy obsession about Emma Watson like most.

Fuck, this was way bigger [the post] than I was expecting it to be…………… grow up.

That’s right. I’m talking about Russia.

I have noticed that some of you have noticed that I like to throw in some international references in my posts, maybe a splice of foreign (anything not in the USA… USA USA USA) language here and there. Also it was noted that I had used a lot of French references lately. I didn’t want to make it seem like there was any bias. This website is for all countries because Kristen Stewart’s want is for all countries. I think I clearly got the ball rolling in Germany by talking about Eva Braun and I have made several references to Nazism in other posts. I can’t remember a single thing of consequence outside of Nazis, the Holocaust and losing two World Wars that Germany ever did, right? Anyway, I thought since this week seems to have been quite a dividing week among the KSWI faithful, I would try to bring everyone together just like the great continental uniter: Russia!

What’s so great about Russia? Everything…. minus all the poverty and political assassinations.

Clockwise from the top-left (unless you are upside down, bottom-right): Vladimir Putin, Irina Shayk, an AK-47 filled with vodka and Fedor Emelianenko.

Vladimir Putin is the visible invisible hand that runs Russia. He is a very controversial figure because he seemingly ordes the deaths of any dissenters in Russia, but come on the dude isn’t wearing a shirt. How can you not love that? He is the political leader of Russia, he does judo, he goes fly fishing with no shirt on and also rides horses with no shirt. Don’t we usually have to buy tickets to see a “gun show” like that, am I right?

Also these assassinations sound pretty cool as long as they don’t come after me. People are being poisoned, people are getting shot, rumors of someone getting a microscopic atomic bomb injected into them and then set off inside them. That link was a not a picture of a microscopic atomic bomb, but instead was Irina Shayk’s lovely ass and when I look at that picture it makes me feel like an atomic bomb went off in my pants. Megan Fox, who?

Russia also made the AK-47 and, honestly, where would modern America be without our assault rifles? As for the vodka. You put it in a glass, drink it and your problems just seem to solve themselves at that point. It is a crystal clear miracle worker. Lastly, Fedor.

Fedor Emelianenko is the greatest Heavyweight fighter in the world and the greatest fighter of his generation. I know I’m primarily talking to a bunch of women who most likely don’t watch “the fights”, but if you told a guy, like a real guy who likes/does guy things and doesn’t sit around giggling about what a bitch Katherine Heigl is or who he thinks is going to win Dancing with the Stars… Mark Dacascos is going to win, that Fedor Emelianenko is your favorite fighter and he would kick Brock Lesnar’s ass. That guy would cut off his own arm and propose to you with it as a token of his love. Or at least I would.

Back to the topic at hand, let’s learn about Russia and Russia wanting it.

Catherine the Great

Catherine the Great didn’t fuck a horse. Or at least there is no evidence to prove she fucked a horse. I was going to write this whole thing about Catherine the Great and not mention once the idea that she died having sex with a horse or just had sex with a horse in general and went about her merry day. At the very end of the post I was going to say something coy like “over 1000 words and I didn’t mention Catherine the Great effed a horse.” But who is fooling who anymore? You ladies at KSWI want the dirt up front.

Sidenote: Here is an early portrait of Catherine, Peter III and their son. Is it just me or does the son look like he wants it the most?

Catherine the Great was born in 1729 and died 1796 most likely from a stroke in her bathroom. Catherine, whose real name was Sophia and wasn’t all that Russian, married Peter III who succeeded to the throne as Emperor of Russia in 1762. Only six months later Peter muffed up being Emperor and the Russian Imperial Guard revolted, kicked Peter off the throne and put the 33 year old Catherine into his place as the M-F-ING RULER OF RUSSIA! Can you believe that? What a crazy unlikely story? Talk about women’s lib, right? That’s incredible and all, but did Catherine the Great want it?

Fuck yeah she did. Seriously look at that regal woman. She wants the shit out it. That right there is the look of a woman who wants it so bad that she makes herself the protectress of the Poland-Lithuanian Commonwealth and would smash all the anti-Russian uprisings that came from it. That right there is the want of a woman who can fight a war against the Ottoman Turks and still beat the piss out of the Swedes with her Baltic Fleet.

That is an arrogant want right there. Catherine the Great totally wants it. Catherine the Great wants it as badly as Russia defeated the Ottoman Turks two times under her reign which was really badly. That was a huge deal like Kristen Stewart being a relatively unknown actress scoring the lead role in Twilight which was an international success and then being kept on as the star in the sequel which will be an even better movie and a bigger success, that was me stretching and trying to kiss up a little in the spirit of uniting like Russia does.

Catherine the Great seriously wants it, but as always she does not want it nearly as much as Kristen Stewart. Catherine had an insatiable appetite for men (and food, she got kind of heavy at the end, just thought I would make the joke before any of the commenters had the chance). Catherine had many lovers and she had her own match.com service named Grigori Alexandrovich Potemkin. They had an affair first, but then he became her talent scout of the male Russian elite. He would hand pick a good looking and intelligent guy who would presumably be able to hold Catherine’s interest for a little while until she got tired of him. I’m guessing this morning you didn’t think Catherine the Great was your personal hero, I’m betting she is now.

Catherine getting tired of these men is where Kristen Stewart easily defeats her. Catherine has an immense want not unlike the extended size of Russia when she was Empress, but eventually it does lax and cool and gets bored and needs a fresh face to feel that want again. Kristen Stewart wants it. Her want never lessens and it certainly does not need a recharge. She continues to want any and all things with the strength of a 1000 suns. Kristen Stewart wants it. She wants it all.

Leo Tolstoy

Leo Tolstoy doesn’t necessarily want it. I am not bringing up Tolstoy to talk of his want. He did have an insane life (at one point seconds away from being executed) that he had to have an almost inhuman drive in him to survive. Regardless, I am bringing Leo Tolstoy to the table because I really want to talk about War & Peace for a minute. I have read War & Peace. I may not have watched Twilight with the sound on, but I fucking read War & Peace so get off my back.

War & Peace is arguably the greatest book ever written and, obviously, I have ever read. This is more of a PSA than anything, but I think you all should read War & Peace. If you have read War & Peace already then I will say this:

I can picture making War & Peace as a faithful hour long television series for someone like HBO. There are roughly 375 chapters including the epilogues. Imagine on average you devote 5 minutes to each chapter. Some chapters wouldn’t need 5 minutes and others would need more so there is the balance. A sidenote, an average scene in a typical movie is only 3 minutes so I am overestimating because of the brilliance. Back to the math, 375 chapters multiplied by 5 minutes each equals just shy of 32 hours. If we did three 11 or 12 episode seasons it would easily be handled with time to spare. Now that the time parameters are set-up, we just need all the money in the world for the sets, hundreds of actors, battle scenes, wardrobe, and just about anything else you would need to bring the greatest epic written to life.

For those of you who have not read it:

Fucking read it. What is wrong with you? Quit wasting your life already. It is War & Peace! It is full of stories about love, drama, death, passion, seduction, betrayal, philosophical discussion, political intrigue, and it is funny. You may not believe the last part, but it is very funny. The first 20 some odd chapters take place at a dinner party where they get drunk and kiss and talk shit on each other and stuff.

Where does Kristen Stewart fit in all of this? Sonya.

Boom. I think for any of you that have read War & Peace your brain was just blown out the back of your skull like Vladimir Putin sent the KGB to assassinate you with truth bullets. If I was going to cast War & Peace with American actors and not actors from I don’t know let’s say “RUSSIA” then Kristen Stewart would top my list to play Sonya.

Ahhh… Sonya the “Sterile Flower”. Sonya is a sad, but beautiful character in War & Peace. When I think of Sonya, I think of her want. Now it should make sense. Sonya is the cousin to the Rostovs, who as a family are a main focus of the novel. She is treated like a second class citizen by the mother Countess Natalya, she is the dutiful best friend to the daughter Natasha, and she is the one and true love of Nicholas the son. Sonya wants to be a Rostov so bad. She spends the entire novel defending them, sacrificing herself for them and ultimately never receives any payment in return. She is a tragic character in the book because her selflessness in never ending. She waits and waits for Nicholas even though his mother is completely against the idea of them being married. And Sonya has suitors in the book who love her. She sees their affection and wants to reciprocate, but she has given her heart to Nicholas. She wants Nicholas. She wants to be a Rostov. She fights for them and tries her best to protect them like sleeplessly staying in the hall outside of Natasha’s door making sure she doesn’t runaway with Anatole. Damn you Anatole!

Also there is a scene where Sonya dresses up in a Halloween costume as a boy with a mustache and makes out with Nicholas. I’m guessing K-Stew fans would want to see that.

So… who wants to give me money to make this?

Say something sexy in Russian

Kristen Stewart хочет это.

Fuck yeah. Nothing sexier than the Russian language, but there is it folks. Kristen Stewart wants it in Russian. Or at least, I think it is and that is all that matters, right?

Kristen Stewart хочет это.

To pronounce it, I believe it is:

Ker-iz-ten Stoo-wer-tuh k-oh-ch-yay-t eh-toh.

Learn it. Practice it. Live it. Kristen Stewart хочет это. Kristen Stewart wants it. Kristen Stewart’s want is glorious. It fills the divide between us. It will heal us as a people. I’ve seen that Kristen Stewart’s want brings us all closer together as a human race. People out there, people outside of this website need to harness the love for Kristen Stewart’s want for good. They need to use it to unite all of us.

Imagine Barack Obama went to Russia and stood on a grand stage in the middle of St. Petersburg and said “Kristen Stewart хочет это”. People would go fucking nuts! Yes! She wants it! We live in Russia and we know she wants it! Oh my God there is such poverty in this country and we have lived through such terribleness and we are all scared about being killed by that shirtless strong man Vladimir Putin, but, Jesus Christ, Kristen Stewart wants it!

Or at least half of them would say that. The other half would have no clue what is going on. But there would be a big screen on stage where they roll a montage of Kristen Stewart pictures and written underneath each one is “Kristen Stewart хочет это.” And in that moment, about 4 or 5 pictures in, they would all realize what the others had: Kristen Stewart does want it. And they would all live happily ever after. Or not. I don’t know what is going to happen to the people of St. Petersburg.

Don’t be surprised if what I describe above happens. There is not not a rumor going around that Barack Obama reads this website regularly at lunch with Michelle. I’m just saying, Barry knows Kristen Stewart wants it.

So, yeah. Russia. It kind of rules. This post is the size of Russia.

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