If anyone wants to guest post – email me at jordankswi@gmail.com . I bite.

Guest post day with no guest poster. <sarcasm>This Wednesday guest post idea has taken off like gangbusters just like the Friday’s questions</sarcasm>. I have spent my morning praying I won’t get another parking ticket, which I continue to do. I also have been watching clips of “The Prime Minister’s Questions” on Youtube and I watched Sunday’s Boardwalk Empire.

Tony Blair was on David Letterman last night and good ole’ Dave brought up “The Prime Minister’s Questions”. If you do not know what I’m referring to then I highly suggest you look it up and if you do know what I’m talking about them it is great fun to watch it again and again for the hell of it. I think every Wednesday at noon (which is rapidly approaching in my life), the British Parliament meets and has an informal discussion where they can ask questions to the Prime Minister about whatever the hell they feel like. More than anything – it is theater… political theater, but more so theater. It is a lot of shouting and trash talking in British accents. Imagine the stuffiest white people you could find, put them in a room, and made them battle rap about UK politics.

Letterman said that he really enjoyed “The Prime Minister’s Questions” and Blair responded sure as long as you weren’t apart of them. He also said that until this day 3 minutes to 12 on Wednesday he gets chills on the back of his neck remembering that anticipation before another session was about to start.

As for Boardwalk Empire – am I the only person watching this show? I get the feeling sometimes when I watch certain television shows that I may be the only person actually sitting down to ingest them. That is very solipsistic of me, but I never see people talking about this show. Probably for good reason. I really don’t like the show. I’m giving it time just in case it gets better. There are a lot of actors on the show I like and the people who make the show are quite famous, so maybe it will get better.

As of right now, I couldn’t care less if any of the characters die. Well that’s not entirely true. I would care greatly if Paz de la Huerta’s character died because about the only thing to look forward to every episode has been her getting ass naked. Every episode so far there has been a minor scene worked in where Paz gets completely naked. I think there may have been episode where she got naked twice. Either way, that is about the only thing worth tuning in for at this point in the show.

I don’t care what happens to these characters: Steve Buscemi’s, Michael Pitt’s, Michael Shannon’s, the Polish booze maker who changed his name, any of the New York mob guys, any of the cops, Steve Buscemi’s character’s brother, the new booze makers who are headed by Omar from The Wire, Al Capone, Michael Pitt’s wife or kid, any minor character, and let’s just say any person who as appeared on the show at all. They haven’t sold me on one character yet. What’s the point? Who cares if Nucky Thompson wins or loses in Atlantic City? They haven’t established why I should care if he succeeds as a mobster or not.

The show credits Terence Winter and Martin Scorsese as the creators or the brains behind the show. I’m not sure how much Scorsese has to play in making this show, probably as much as Mark Wahlberg does because they’re both listed as producers. But Terence Winter is from The Sopranos and this is supposed to be his break out show like Mad Men was for Matthew Weiner. But Winter has not made a compelling argument in these few episodes as why I should root for his protagonist besides him being the protagonist. Tony Soprano originally was a man with a wife and two ball busting kids who was trying to make it in the suburbs of New Jersey with an interesting job. There was a reality and surreality about the show and they made Tony charismatic in both areas. He was a guy working his way up in the family business, dealing with his crazy mother, dealing with his shitty kids, his marriage, neighbors, co-workers and he was dealing with cops, murdering people and getting murdered. Boardwalk Empire doesn’t have that.

Right now, about the most interesting storyline is Kelly Gallagher as the recently single mother of two small kids who has now been given a job as a “dresser” at a French boutique on the boardwalk. And if that is the best storyline they got on a television show about gangsters during prohibition in Atlantic City… then what the fuck am I watching?

And I’m hoping I have not posted this before, but I can’t remember…

Anyway… for my “guest post” – I thought I would put up an article I wrote for a website that wasn’t published. I wrote this about 14 months ago after I went to see a UFC fight in Philadelphia where the co-main event was Anderson Silva vs. Forrest Griffin. I was asked to write a first person narrative about the fights as if Raymond Chandler wrote it. In the end, they didn’t use it and I was thinking about it yesterday, so here it is today……….

———–

The cynicism of the press row hung in the air like my grandfather’s cigar smoke but now it had been sucked out like a vacuum cleaner switched to “pretentious”. We were all on our feet with the rest of the drunken jackalopes who spent their hard earned money to watch this blood sport. An endless sea of $100 muscle tees and enough hair gel to fill the crack in the Liberty Bell laid an expensive path for my eyes to walk on to the octagon. The co-main event was about to begin.

Pounding his chest and snorting hard, Forrest looked like a wild baboon and as hairy as one. Anderson like a gallant Maasai warrior, his fists and knees for a spear and shield. The dame next to me cooed in my ear earlier she was rooting for Griffin. Seeing the two titans in 4 oz gloves about to pummel each other as if they were fighting over a spot on her dance card she looked worried. I thought to myself she should be. I had my money on Anderson and I was grinning sadistically from ear to ear. I was showing more teeth than a pack of hyenas around wounded prey.

It began slowly. Nothing more than a dance at first. One minute went by and the crowd grew anxious like big betters with little loot watching the roulette wheel turn. They wanted action. Forrest was throwing feeler jabs like testing the ocean water with your toes and Anderson was lurking underneath like the mouth of a great white shark ready to swallow him whole. A lazy leg kick and Anderson snatches it like a venus fly trap. Silva swings hard looking to decapitate him but Forrest ducks and gets off with little more than a buzz cut and a healthy respect for his opponent’s speed. I thought this isn’t going to end well.

Another minute gone mostly filled with Forrest holding onto the blue Bud Light oval like a stubborn dog with his favorite bone. Anderson was a poised cobra shadowing Forrest every step of the way. We were watching a lit fuse; it was just a question when the bomb would explode. Silva goes for it, charges forward and fires off two punches. Forrest is on his bike and he tries to back peddle to safety but Silva catches him with a loopy right hook that T-bones him bad like a truck blowing a stop sign. Welcome to the watershed. You’re out of your league kid and there is no turning back.

Forrest gets back to his feet and is clipped with another heat seeking missile. He shakes his head trying to wake from this bad dream but Silva is a real nightmare and he smells blood. Anderson is showing his fangs. He eggs on Forrest to come at him so he can end this fight even sooner. I wonder if Anderson has something else on his schedule. Maybe a real opponent. Maybe he knows the bars close at 2 and he is thirsty for more than a knockout.

It doesn’t take long for him to drop Forrest again. Forrest in slow motion paws at Anderson’s elusive head and then Anderson pops Forrest with a straight left for his troubles. Griffin hits the canvas which should be a familiar feeling. I hear a whimper escape the pouty pink lips of Forrest’s number one fan. Griffin is nearly helpless on his back with Anderson fixed over top of him his right hand the executioner’s blade. “You wanna switch sides and join the winning team?” I snarl at her. I don’t need to look, her eyes are big like headlights and her jaw is clenched like a vice grip. She’s about to watch a hero die.

Anderson lets Forrest up, he wants one for the highlight reel. Forrest gets another chance on the feet to turn this sinking ship around. You can see it in his eyes he knows he is fighting on borrowed time. This is Forrest’s last stand. This is his “Alamo” and it doesn’t go much better. Forrest reaches for one more combo and Anderson hits him on the way in with a right that puts him to sleep faster than a bedtime story. Anderson didn’t put all of his power into it he didn’t need to. It was right on the sweet spot like a Ted Williams homerun. Just knuckles on chin.

The city of Philadelphia erupts into howls like banshees for their Brazilian knockout king. I turn to see the beauty in seat 16 and her big pretty blues are filled up with tears looking back at me. Over all the noise I swear I could hear her heart breaking.

I hope I haven’t posted that before because it will just seem self-centered if I have. Eh, there’s worse you can think.

It is another disgusting day on this planet. Just mucky. And per usual, I’m tired and didn’t get much sleep. With all this shittiness, I thought I would talk of a happier days, happier places, happier people and, of course, I’m talking about the TELEVISION! Oh, how I love thee. Let’s talk about what I watch on television.

MONDAY

Thank God for Football. I truly thank the almighty for football. In Judaism during the holiday of Passover, there is a list of things that God has given us. God saved us from bondage, led us through the badlands of Egypt, fed us with manna, gave us our sense of humor, told us Joe Namath would win Superbowl III so we all made a good deal of money off of that. After each thing that is listed is said out loud, we respond with “dayenu”, which roughly translates to “it would have been enough” or “it would have been sufficient”. God didn’t only give Jews football; God gave football to all human beings – nevertheless, it is such a big deal that I think it should be listed in there. Yeah, God saved us from being slaves and gave us the 10 Commandments and led us to the Promised Land and that jazz and then there was this big break where God was thinking up what really the world needed. Saving people from slavery is obvious, but what could really complete the human existence paradox? Professional tackle football, obviously.

Also, what is manna? I’ve been walking this Earth for 27 years and have yet to order “manna” off a restaurant menu once.

Monday’s I watch football. Occasionally, I flip over to Monday Night RAW to see what the professional wrestlers are up to. It’s usually just a pop-in. Just checking in on them.

TUESDAY

Nothing. Well…

I was a fan of Sons of Anarchy, but that is waning. I really enjoyed the first season of Sons of Anarchy. I thought it was a solid B+ TV show. The second season had was good – more good than bad. But there were definitely episodes that I really didn’t care for. And the season ended with a storyline that was wild, but at the same time I couldn’t care less about it. This third season has been dreadful. The problem with the show is there is no sense of reality to it anymore. It is just wild and none of it seems to make any sense. With all the murder and gun violence, someone would have to find out about it like a Senator or Governor or the National Guard. I’m just not into it anymore. I’m watching because there isn’t anything else to watch.

Blue Mountain State – I believe this show is starting up with new episodes soon. I love Blue Mountain State. It is on Spike and I believe it is at 11pm, but who knows. I’m not so sure any of you would actually like the show. It really seems like it is for guys and guys who like really ridiculous shit. Also, it is slightly about football.

This past Tuesday, I ended up watching Glee and Dancing with the Stars. What is this world coming to? Glee was fine. I think they could have used Britney more, but maybe she didn’t want to do more. Who knows? I will say that the once girl recreating the “Hit me baby one more time” was really hot and it reminded me why I love Catholic School girl outfits -which I didn’t forget, but who doesn’t love to be reminded about something they love. Do you love free ice cream? Sure. Well, here is some free ice cream. YES! DWTS was odd – I really dug seeing Seal up there for no other reason then because he is Seal and he does what he wants.

WEDNESDAY

Modern Family – obviously. Great show. If you are not watching Modern Family then you are robbing yourself of joyous heartwarming pleasure. That’s all you’re doing to yourself. You are robbing yourself of smiles, laughter, and an overall sentiment that we good people trying to make it in this world despite our flaws. So, if you don’t watch Modern Family you may hate yourself. Just a theory.

Cougar Town – stop laughing, just listen! It is on right after Modern Family and on the same channel. I don’t have a clue what else is on at 9:30pm on a Wednesday, but I do know this is on and I’m not offended by it. I like Busy Phillips and I like the guy who is Courtney Cox’s ex-husband. Courtney Cox isn’t bad on the show either. The show is a lot more sarcastic and filled with dark humor than many would think – especially me.

The Ultimate Fighter – I love The Ultimate Fighter. It is a reality show, but no matter what at the end of the show you someone fight someone, which is excellent. The one thing this is great about The Ultimate Fighter is that if you are a fan of the UFC then it makes so much sense to watch the show because these guys will be on the pay-per-views at some point and some of them may end up being great fighters one day, so why not get in on the ground floor and see where they started. Two past winners of The Ultimate Fighter have gone on to win the Light-Heavyweight Championship and several The Ultimate Fighter alums have fought for belts. This season of The Ultimate Fighter features Josh Koscheck as one of the coaches. He was a competitor on the first season of the show and now has made himself one of the elite Welterweights in the UFC and will fight the Welterweight Champion, Georges St. Pierre, at the end of the show. Of course, if you don’t like the UFC then there is absolutely no reason to watch it.

Inside the NFL – It’s football. I watch it.

THURSDAY

Community is arguably the best half-hour on television. It is brilliant. No more needs to be said.

I do watch 30 Rock, but I’m kind of over the show. The season premiere episode was a lot better than a lot of the episodes from last season, so hopefully that continues. I don’t mind the show; it just seems like they get lazy. I get it – Tina Fey doesn’t think she is attractive and she eats weird things. First, who doesn’t eat weird things? I caught myself eating a chicken and cheese sandwich on an everything bagel with a cup of coffee and a bag of cool ranch Doritos. And then I did it again a couple days later. I don’t recommend it. Secondly, Tina Fey is attractive. She’s a good looking broad and nothing is more annoying in this world than listening to a good looking person say they are not good looking.

The Office has become an institution on NBC. It definitely is still better than it is not. I really think Ed Helms saves the show more often than not. Craig Robinson doesn’t get to do too much on the show, but whatever they have him do is great. I think Steve Carell is still excellent on the show, but I am looking forward to seeing what happens when they replace him. I’m also just curious to see who is replacing him. I’ve seen two maybe castings of Harvey Keitel and Rhys Darby. Two very different actors, but two actors that I think could do a great job. Rhys was unreal funny on Flight of the Conchords as Murray and I imagine it would be a similar role for him on The Office. As for Keitel, I’d be interested in seeing what he brings to that character.

I watched that episode of Outsourced and hated it. I really cannot wait until Parks and Recreations replaces that show. This show was the second funniest show on NBC to Community and I was shocked when they put it to mid-season replacement. Just absurd.

Jersey Shore. Yeah, that is enough said right there. That show is fucking gold. Tonight Angelina will fight Snooki and I will love every motherfucking second of it!

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The League. I really have not liked the past two Sunny episodes which has been very disconcerting. Tonight’s episode looks wild and I’m very excited to see if they can right this sinking ship. The League is a decent show. It’s far from great, but it is not bad at all. It has some consistently funny characters, it is sort of about football and they do a good job keeping each episode different, but still have that fantasy football thread running through it. So far, both of The League episode have outshined Sunny.

FRIDAY and SATURDAY

Nothing. I’m usually drinking booze or watching movies or college football. But I’m not the biggest fan of college football. I have no team and it just pails in comparison to professional football. A lot of wild stuff happens in college football, but a lot of times that can be chalked up to immaturity of the game and the disparity between players. There is a clear difference in talent from player to player, so the game is uneven.

SUNDAY

MOTHERFUCKING FOOTBALL! The NFL resides over my Sunday activities. I watch the 1pm game, the 4pm game and the 8:15 or whatever pm game. I watch as many games as I can and I love them to pieces. Sunday is my favorite day of the week.

Mad Men – I love Mad Men. This season has been really great. I think my favorite two episodes were the night out on the town with Don and Lane, and the episode with Don keeping a diary. Those two episodes were very memorable. It is remarkable what the show has done this season – it added a great deal of humor and humanity to the show. In some regards, past seasons have come across like really well dressed and groomed robots interacting with each other. This season tried to humanize them a lot more and in that there has been both sadness, but a lot of humor. The humor of the show has been really well done with the characters starting their own business and with starting their own business has come office shenanigans.

I think I’m the only person in the world who watches Rubicon and I have stopped watching it. I’ve missed the past two episodes and have them on DVR, but I honestly don’t care about catching up on them. I never understood what was happening on that show and now I never will. I’m fine with that.

Last, but not least – the new HBO line-up:

Boardwalk Empire – it’s OK. I’m really not in love with the show, but I’ll keep watching it. I know there hasn’t been a TV show about Atlantic City during Prohibition, but this show really isn’t anything more than any other gangster movie or TV show. The main guy is doing illegal stuff, but he pretends in public like he isn’t. There are guys who also do illegal stuff who are in a power struggle with him. And the cops are trying to arrest him. Great. Wonderful. I get it. There is blood and nudity on the show and that is enough for most people. I’ve seen the movie The Untouchables and Hoodlum and a bunch of other movies like that, which are all better than Boardwalk Empire. The show isn’t breaking new ground as far as story or action, it is same old same old, but with a different location. Also, I have no reason to root for Steve Buscemi’s character or Michael Pitt’s character at all. There isn’t anything compelling about them minus the fact that the TV show clearly wants you to root for them. Buscemi’s character “Nucky” Thompson is just *shrugs*. There is nothing that he does that sets him apart. There isn’t one great character on that show as far as I’m concerned in these first two episodes and the storyline isn’t breaking the mold, so I’m patiently waiting for it to either lose my attention completely or to maybe surprise me.

Bored to Death – Phenomenal show. Zach Galifianakis  and Ted Danson are just wonderful on the show. Especially, Ted Danson. I’m a big fan of Zach already and he has been nailing it with everything he is doing, so that was not surprising. Ted makes great cameos on Curb Your Enthusiasm and who didn’t love Cheers, but Ted has truly reinvented himself on Bored to Death. His character is rich, effeminate, full of wonder, craves intimacy, graceful and just hysterical. And with all that, Jason Schwartzmen does a great job being the lynch-pin that keeps the show together.

Eastbound & Down – OUT OF CONTROL! I fucking love this show. It is the riskiest show on television and there is nothing like it. I really love it and I love everything they do on it. I love that they season takes place in Mexico. I really can’t say much about this show where it doesn’t sound like I’m gushing over it like a love sick teenager. So, I’ll just say I realize it isn’t for everyone, but I’m thankful it is for me.

So there you go. Thank God for the DVR.

Questions…

Also, there may not be a Friday post, but if you do ask questions I’ll make sure to answer them next week if I can’t get to post tomorrow. I have obligations and they will most likely take up all morning. But crazier things have happened and I could post.

Jeez… 2000 words. I’m tired.

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