… errrr Utah. I thought I read they were in Canada, but they are not. Whatever. The jokes are still funny.

I was looking for pictures of Kristen Stewart and of Kristen Stewart wanting IT like I do. They are the exact same thing, but sometimes I am not looking for a picture of her wanting IT specifically. Other times, I’m just looking for a picture of her in it. Maybe a picture of her looking to the left or a picture of her from a particular movie. It just so happens that she wants IT in all of those pictures. She is wanting IT to the left, she is wanting IT in some movie, she is wanting IT and there is a puppy in the photo.

This morning I was looking for a few recent pictures of Her wanting IT and I found a gallery for The Runaways premiere in some city in Canada. All the cities are the same in Canada: cold, bland, slightly European looking, made of Legos. The gallery had 60 pictures with Kristen Stewart in them. I started right clicking and saving the pictures and I saved 24 of I think the first 25. I had to stop. They should just have a “bulk save” feature for people like me who find all Kristen Stewart pictures hysterical because she truly does want IT in everyone of them and for people who stalk her. Really the “bulk save” would come in handy for myself and stalkers who create sacrificial shrines dedicated to Kristen Stewart in their parents’ basements.

Mo’ funny, Mo’ funny, Mo’ funny

Kristen Stewart wants IT.

Kristen Stewart (KS) – I want IT. I want IT serious though. I seriously want IT always, but right now my want is serious. I seriously want IT serious. This movie is dramatic and I’m the dark one of the bunch, so I can’t smile and let my want spill onto the world like a rainbow waterfall. A rainbowfall. A river composed entirely of liquid rainbows. A rainbow river whose source is a huge glacier of frozen rainbows way up where Santa lives. Because of global warming this rainbow glacier has been slowly melting causing the flooding of rainbow rivers. These rainbow rivers have taken over more territory and now have reached cliff faces thus creating the rainbowfalls. I’m just saying I want IT a lot, but I have to be serious about it.

KS – Oh no, I’m just playing with my hair. I’m just going to run my hands through my hair. No one pay attention to me wanting the shit out of whatever is to my left. Nope, I’m just casually running my fingers through my hair. Dakota? Nope, I haven’t noticed Dakota way over there to my left. Nope, not at all.

KS – What? Really? You want me to take a billion pictures with Dakota Fanning!?! I want IT! I love Dakota! I feel so lonely out here by my elfen lonesome. We’re in Canada and I’m cold. They told me not to smile. My smile’s want could power all the electricity needs in Cold War era Russia. It would be so great if Dakota was with me. I was lying before when I said I didn’t notice her over there. I want her over here.

KS – I want IT.

Dakota Fanning (DF) – I’m learning how to want IT. I’m more of a forbidden fruit element. Jailbait want where maybe you are projecting your own want onto me because you know that it is illegal and illegal things are the best.

KS – Dakota, why aren’t you wanting IT where I’m wanting IT?

DF – I thought you said something about “crossing the streams”. We’re not fighting Gozer.

KS – I have taught you well.

KS – She’s my bitch. I’m just saying. If you were wondering. If there was a situation where both of lost all of our money and needed to turn to alternate careers like selling our bodies for money – she’s my bitch. I’m the pimp and she is my bottom bitch. We’ve been watching a lot of Pimps Up Hoes Down repeats. It is on HBO OnDemand. Screw the Olympics.

DF – Winter Olympics pfffft. More like Schminter Schmolympics.

KS – Good one. NBC will think twice before messing with us and our sarcasm.

DF – I’m wearing black gloves.

KS – I did not notice that until you said it. And/or Jordan didn’t notice that until he saw this picture and he is making me say this because he felt like pointing it out.

DF – I want Jordan to write and direct my next movie.

KS – I want Jordan to do so as well and I want him to be my agent because my current agent needs to be fired.

KS – What are you looking at?

DF – I thought I saw something like a cat. Like a cat wearing boots. Like a cat on top of that building over there wearing boots and it was playing a little flute and there were all these little mice following it. I thought I saw that and I was thinking that I want chocolate and peanut butter puffs cereal right now. I want IT now.

KS – I shouldn’t have hot boxed the limo with you in it on the drive over here. You are so high right now.

DF – I’m not high. I’m just…

DF – Ok, I’m high.

KS – Shhhh… you’re going to get us… Well nothing. It’s legal in Canada, right? Isn’t it?

DF – Isn’t what?

KS – Pot legal in Canada. We could smoke it on the streets even if we don’t have cancer or eye problems.

DF – I was taught in High School, because I’m currently still in High School, that everything is legal in Canada. This “country” is make believe.

KS – Yeah, that makes sense. Pot is legal in “Candy Land”. Or at least that is how I play it.

DF – I could eat so much candy right now!

DF – I love you, Kristen Stewart. I love you like I love candy and cereal that can be eaten as a dessert. I love horsies too. I love you like horsies, but I’m not afraid you will kick me and kill me if I stand behind you. But I am worried that you will one day shiv me if you think I’m trying to steal Rob away from you like you did to those three girls in Santa Monica that one night.

KS – I thought we agreed to never talk about that.

DF – I did agree. And we’re not. My brain fuzzy from all the smoke. I’m in a fog right now. My young and innocent mind has been corrupted by your endless want and marijuana. But I love you.

KS – Good. Dakota, you should look back at the cameras before they start thinking we’re a couple. I have already had enough tabloid stories involving me being pregnant and/or lesbian with Nikki Reed.

DF – It’s just the want. It draws me. It’s like a gravitational force.

KS – What are you looking at Dakota?

DF – I’m not really looking at anything outside. I’m actually trying to look like I’m looking at something because really I’m looking inside my own mind.

KS – And what are you looking for in there?

DF – Mystical creatures like unicorns.

KS – I am over unicorns and narwahls. I want a new creature. I’m tired of these single horned creatures. They’re a bunch of pussies anyway. I want a multihorned creature or a creature with a big sheild on its head that breaks the unicorn or narwahls horn when it trys to attack before it runs away like the pussy it is. I want a bi-pedal stegasaurus with a rounded armor plated head that just headbutts the shit out of the unicorn and narwahl. It could have fingers and thumbs like a human-

DF – I could paint its fingernails.

KS – So it could wield an axe, no a HAMMER. A big double sided war hammer. It would dominate those stupid single horned creatures. The spikey armor on its back would shine in the sun light as it rides a stupid unicorn after it breaks its horn. It could ride a narwahl too. It could break its horn and then ride it through the Atlantic Ocean. Its reptile dinosaur skin would glisten in the salt water.

DF – You’re high.

KS – Why is it we never look in the same direction?

DF – I don’t know. I think something bad would happen if we do.

KS – Did you ever see that movie Thirteen?

DF – No. I wasn’t allowed to.

KS – Well, there is this one scene where Evan and Nikki choose this guy and they start… Yeah, bad stuff does happen when we look in the same direction.

KS – What was it like to kiss Dakota Fanning? Is that what you asked? Really? Really!?! Is that what we’re asking now? And what “news” organization are you from? Oh, ok. Yeah, I’ll answer the question. But I didn’t just kiss Dakota Fanning – I fucked the shit out of this broad! Yeah that’s right! You perv! You fucking perv! I said it! Quote me motherfucker! Quote me for your “news” website. Punk ass bitch! Punk ass bitch! Write it down! Write it down! Sucka ass bitch! Hunh!?! Come at me, bro! Come at me! Don’t you stand up for him! Fuck that guy, right Dakota?

DF – Yes, whatever you say Kristen Stewart.

KS – That’s right! She’s my bottom bitch, you garbage ass motherfuckers.

KS – Look at him. He’s still crying.

DF – You scare me Kristen Stewart, in a good way. It’s like if I was dating Charles Oakley. You are so strong and fearsome. You’re like a panther. A 6’9″ 260 pound panther who walks on two legs and has a gambling problem and dishes out its own brand of street justice and wants IT. That’s how Charles Oakley and you are.

KS – Do you see what I did to that guy, Joan Jett? He pissed his pants. Weed makes me aggressive sometimes. Well weed and the fifth of Jack Daniels I had in the car ride over.

DF – Look Kristen! I want IT. I’m wanting IT right now.

KS – Do you see that guy, Joan? Joan? Are these wax statues of the real Runaways or what?

KS – Oh they moved. I guess they are real.

DF – I’m still wanting IT. Look at me darn it. Look at me Kristen Stewart. I’m wanting the sugar out of this camera.

KS – Joan, are you alive?

Joan Jett (JJ) – Yes, I’m alive. Cherie isn’t. That is an anamotronic doll James Cameron lent out to us. He is a pretty nice guy since he has more money than God.

KS – I think I’m going to wait until that guy is back to being calm and then-

JJ – Slit his throat.

KS – I was going to say “pants him” in front of all the cameras.

JJ – That’s a good plan too.

DF – You two are completely missing me wanting IT. I don’t have the want stamina yet, so I’m starting to fade.

DF – Now I’m just happy. I’m not even wanting it anymore.

JJ – Do you think that if I flash some tit or say something outrageous about putting my or your pussy on things that the media will care about me again? Maybe a paparazzi camera could wait outside my house. That would be nice.

KS – I want IT. You want to see want, Dakota. I fucking want IT. I look like I’m about to dry fuck the lens of the camera. I look like I’m about to snap and rip Joan Jett’s throat out with my fingers ala Patrick Swayze in Road House.

DF – That cat is back. I want that cat. I want that cat, the boots, the mice so bad.

JJ – Maybe just a paparazzi camera man follows me to my car. Maybe a TMZ guy just for an hour stalks me one night. I’ll leave a window open by the porch. How abou that? Just meet me halfway. I’m lonely.

KS – Ugh, I’m over this. I want another person to ask a stupid question. Anyone. How about one of those The View broads? I’d cut those bitches in half right now.

KS – You could be my bitch too. I’m not saying you could be a top earner like Dakota, but I think you could do really well in my stable. You would be going for more of a niche market. Guys like something a little older, a little tougher, maybe a woman who will smack them around a little. Are you into doing chicks? I think you would make a killing in that market. You’re older and have more miles on you than that one chick from the L-Word, but I think it can work. That girl was having sex with every woman ever on that show. I’m not sure why. She’s cute and all, but she looks more like she would play back-up guitar for The Strokes. And I don’t mean a female back-up guitarist either.

JJ – What the hell are you talking about?

KS – Don’t give me any back talk. Or you may get slapped.

JJ – I’m sorry.

KS – That’s better.

KS – Michael, you’re huge.

DF – That’s what she said.

Michael Shannon (MS) – I don’t know about huge. I’m 6’3″. That is definitely tall, but-

KS – You’re maybe 8 feet tall. You’re the biggest man I have ever seen.

DF – That’s what she said.

MS – It’s just you’re all about mid 5’s and I’m just under a foot taller than that, so it’s really not that-

KS – You’re like Gandalf to us a series of thin and sexy hobbits.

DF – Show us your staff, Gandalf. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

MS – Is there anyway I can leave. I really don’t think anyone-

KS – You should play organized professional basketball for the New York Knicks.

MS – I’m really not that tall. You’re-

KS – You and David Lee would be the great white hopes that save the New York Knickerbockers from another year of obscurity. The All-Star break just happened, so I’m pretty sure you two could really make a run for the playoffs.

MS – I have never played basketba-

KS – David Lee is a guaranteed double double and I think with your massive-

DF – That’s what-

KS – I didn’t finish yet.

MS – That’s what she said.

DF – Darn it. That was a good one.

KS – You should save your energy telling jokes and spend it on the court winning an NBA Championship for the greatest city in the world.

DF – I love answering questions. They’re the funnest. I love the cameras. I love hangin out with Kristen Stewart. I want to be in all the movies she is in from now on.

KS – Hey, ET bitch, keep talking. Yeah, keep talking because I’mmabout to break your fucking nose. You want to know about my family and their supposed wolves? I’ll tell you all about it after I put you in the damn hospital!

DF – And Kristen is so funny!

I have nothing for Kristen and Dakota to say. I do think this looks like a press conference shot from maybe the greatest sex scandal or homicidal killing spree ever. Imagine these two like a wild Manson family, Bonnie & Clyde duo. I would watch that movie. Them in a band? Whatever.

Let’s remake Natural Born Killers. This time we’ll make it good as opposed to being horribly overrated and terrible. That’s the first part of the remake. Second part is these two are the leads.

Also, I love this picture. Why can’t someone put this ^^^ in a movie? You know? She has personality. She has the quirky comedy look already. Why can’t a single fucking director put that into a movie? TAKE THIS^^^ and put it in a movie. I don’t want to see Kristen Stewart chasing vampires or digging holes in the woods. I don’t want to see Kristen Stewart mellow dramatically working at an amusement park acting like she is 50 years old and at the end of her rope. I don’t want to see Kristen Stewart playing some lethargic leg bruise having chick. PUT THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  in a damn movie. How difficult could that be!?! Seriously, they do it all the time with other actors — look at Zooey Deschanel.

It would be so nice if she was in a good movie.

Sadly, I don’t expect it is happening this year. *wah wah*


Joan Jett told Kristen Stewart to fuck her guitar.

Woah! Woah! Woah! That is no way to start a new week of posts. I have to talk about the weekend.  I have to talk about football. I cannot just jump in and talk about Joan Jett fucking guitars. That would be completely unprofessional of me to not address my weekend in the slightest and begin speaking on a subject like Joan Jett having aggressive sex with a stringed inanimate object on stage in front of people and being such a proponent of this endeavor that she rounds up young Hollywood starlets and bluntly tells them to do it as well.

But Joan Jett did tell Kristen Stewart to fuck her guitar in the Vancouver Sun newspaper – right here

I did not post yesterday. I hope all of you can forgive me for not posting on Monday. I know it must have been a very tough day without my ramblings egging you on to strive forward and accomplish life. I find that my writings are inspirational and can cure the sick. It heals both physically and emotionally and spiritually. I have seen reports that reading enough KSWI will cure swine flu (that reference is so 2009). It also can be used to cure more common ailments: depression, anxiety, hyper tension, lethargic tension, stuffy head, anal leakage, spider veins, persistent cough, writer’s block, restless leg syndrome and can restore one’s faith in monotheism.

I did not get a chance to post because I do not get paid to post in any form whatsoever and because I was violently hungover. Those two situations created the perfect storm of me laying in bed under the covers with the lights off, a fan on my face, and my head at the foot of my bed and my feet at the head of my bed. I spent the majority of that time wishing that the hurricane like mess downstairs in my kitchen and living room would be miraculously cleaned up by an army of day laborers. This wish was not fulfilled. Much of Monday was spent complaining about being hungover, slowly cleaning up the apartment, and watching DVRed television programs from Sunday night.

So what of Sunday? What of football?

First and foremost, I thought both games were exciting. The second game was a little more exciting than the first, but both were good games. The Jets Defense spent the entire first quarter doing what they had said they were going to do all week. They were hitting Peyton Manning, they were stifling his offensive creativity, and they were making the Colts settle for field goals. That was impressive. Problem is, the NFL plays FOUR quarters of professional tackle football and not ONE quarter. The rest of the game was the unstoppable white and blue scoring horseshoe marching the ball up and down the field like no other team has done to the Jets all year.

The Jets have a solid team and should be excited about their future. At the same time they are a bunch of bitches who had the easiest road into the post season by playing back-to-back teams who let them win. They did beat the Chargers which was unexpected, but the Chargers have a weak defense and no one has the balls to step up to the plate and tell LT he needs to move on and let someone else play. If the Jets go into the 2010 season with a similar team they have now then they should be an interesting team to watch next year. Mark “Dirty” Sanchez is an exciting young QB who will definitely get better. They have a great offensive line and a series of amazing running backs. Their wide receivers kind of blow goats. Their defense is quite quite good. Darelle Revis is the man. Jim Leonard and Bart Scott are quite good as well. And Rex Ryan seems like he knows how to lead a team as well as feed himself buckets of slop from a trough.

Peyton Manning and the Colts are pretty good. Easily the favorites going into the Super Bowl and they should be. No matter if they win or lose this Super Bowl, people should question their decision making in week 16. With two games left in the season, the Colts forfeit pretty much and allow themselves to lose their last two games of the season. Lame. Their idea was that saving their starters from those two games would pay off with them being fresh for the playoffs. I sincerely do not care. This is professional tackle football and the most holy of holy records is the perfect season. They had their chance and they pissed on it. They pissed on the perfect season. If they win the Super Bowl then they could have had a perfect season and won the Super Bowl, but they pissed on it. If they lose the Super Bowl then they could have had a perfect season and then lost the Super Bowl, but they pissed on it.

As an organization, they stood over the perfect season and unzipped their pants. A faint musk of dirty underwear mixed with day old sweat stains mixed with current day sweat stains suffocating the air. They pulled out their collective junk. Shorn clean from a Gillette Fusion razor. Smooth, but covered in razor stubble and little pimples. A few stray curly hairs that some how tip toed around the five cold and sharp razor blades. At first, just a jet stream of piss hits the perfect season in the face. Just one wake up shot right in the eye. And now the Colts’ penis is ready and aligned to let loose its bladder. And in a golden shower that could last 40 days and 40 nights, the Colts piss all over the perfect season. Piss dripping from every corner of the perfect season. As the Indianapolis Colts’ third string quarterback Curtis Painter laughs and laughs in the background; he is the perfect symbol of pissing on the perfect season.  

The second game was a shoot out. I think most expected a wild affair, maybe ending in overtime. It was exactly what we were hoping for. Although the team who actually played “best” lost. Brett “Odysseus” Favre put on quite the show. Out gaining the New Orleans Saints at home in the Thunderdome by 200+ yards, the Vikings lost the game on their own terms. Apparently, the Vikings wanted to prove they were the better team, but at the same time did not want to go through the trouble of having to play in the Super Bowl. So they ran wild on the Saints up and down the field and when push came to shove, they fumbled. A LOT! Six times actually. The Vikings played really well, but they kept turning the ball over.

I’m sure you’ve seen the coverage about Brett Favre throwing the interception that ended the game et cetera nonsense. The whole team was losing the ball and Brett was having a hell of a game out there outside of that interception. Brett and the whether or not he is retiring circus has already started. I hope he comes back and I don’t understand why he shouldn’t. He had arguably the best season he has had in easily a decade. My opinion on Brett Favre’s physical health is that he would be perfectly ready to play heroicly in the Super Bowl in two weeks if the Vikes had won. So he is fine for next season.

Not to make it sound like the Saints didn’t do anything that game, but the Vikings did kind of give that game away, especially in the second half. But the Saints are a strong team. I thought between them and Vikings that the Saints had the better chance against the Colts. I think this will be an exciting fast paced Super Bowl with touchdowns and smiles and good times and the Who and I’m excited.

Sunday was a good day. This all happened in Jersey City – watched two games of football, played beer pong, pretty much killed a keg of beer, cooked 14 pounds of ham, made 4 pounds of mashed potatoes, two boxes of stuffing, dinner rolls, a few dozen buffalo wings, three trays of pigs in a blanket, a tray of apples stuffed with sausage, a cake, tons of chips, and, of course, laughter with friends… which was fueled by the obscene drinking of beer. Anyway, now that stuff is out of me sort of and I’m tired. I need a day off from my days off.

Joan Jett fucks guitars and has been for like 30 years. It is about 35 years of hard fornication with a musical instrument from the chordophone family.

In maybe the bluest puff piece article I’ve ever read, Kristen Stewart reveals two sentences that 51 year old Philadelphia native, Ms. Joan Jett, said to Kristen. These two sentences are seemingly to help Kristen prepare for her role as Joan Jett in The Runaways movie. I would imagine when the producers contacted Joan to do some musical consulting or supervising for the movie considering the movie is based on her and her band mates that they were not expecting Joan Jett to say the following two sentences of advice:

1. Put your pussy to the wood


2. Fuck your guitar

I have thoughts and questions. Numerous. First, why was this not a song for the actual Runaways band and/or Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. I would not say I’m very familiar with either bands’ discographies, but I’ve heard the singles. And the singles are good. There are a lot of great rock and roll songs in there that are both punk and classic rock and I don’t remember every hearing the lyrics “put your pussy to the wood”. I’m not a music producer. I’m not even a lyric writer. I cannot play an instrument. I have never been in a band. But I would make a small wager that if a band of average to good looking females wrote a halfway decent song with the lyric “Put your pussy to the wood” followed by them all screaming “fuck your guitar” that it may sell pretty well on iTunes.

That is just a shot in the dark, but I feel like you can quote me on that. “Put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar” are lyrics I’m pretty sure will resonate to at least a small percentage of the population. So Joan Jett, huh? Not really mincing words.

I really wish I could have been there to have seen the face of the Canadian celebrity reporter sent out to interview Twilight star Kristen Stewart about her upcoming film The Runaways. Kristen, I’ve heard that Joan Jett was on set while you were filming The Runaways, what was that like? Did she have any words of advice about being a rock and roller? Uhhh… what? Put your what to the what? Did you say puuuu… puuuu… sss.. puss… I’m sorry, but if this is how you and Joan Jett think “cool” people talk then you are dead wrong missy. You don’t go around telling people to put their puuu *cough* lady parts on, well anything. That is not a lady like thing to say in the least. And I am not … fornicating with any guitar or any musical instrument for that matter. Never again!

Yes, in that scenario one can assume the Canadian reporter did have sex with a musical instrument at least once, but is ashamed by the experience(s) for whatever reason(s). So put your pussy to the wood and fuck your guitar. I really don’t understand how the greatest original thought by Joan Jett has been sidelined to some shitty newspaper article and not as the chorus for a rousing anthem. If this year Joan Jett comes out with a song titled “fuck your guitar” and has “put your pussy to the wood” in the song somewhere, I’m saying I told you so.

The rest of the article doesn’t get any less R-Rated. Kristen’s following quote ends the short and Sam Kinison-esque article:

“Both [of these women have] a dominant sexuality. They had to fight,” says Stewart. “People like girls to be sexy and they did then, too, but in a different way. They didn’t want to get f*cked [by the girl], they wanted to f*ck them.”

In my opinion, I would be more worried about Joan Jett fucking me than me fucking her. She said “put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar”. That is a woman who owns and regular uses a strap-on. I think Joan Jett has an exercise routine specifically designed to workout the muscles used for fuck thrusting and hers are of an Olympic caliber at this point. Joan Jett is full of so much testosterone that I could inject a vile of her sweat as steroids. So I disagree with Kristen. I’m pretty sure Joan Jett dictates any and all sexual experiences that she is apart of – vis a vis aka ie eg – Joan Jett fucks you.

The second point I think needs to be addressed is – we’re talking about Dakota Fanning. I know that Kristen Stewart and all her want is putting her pussy to the wood and fucking her guitar as Joan Jett. Kristen’s got her black hair and leather pants and her no nonsense attitude. She’s the punk princess for whatever reason nowadays. She’s the anti-culture’s queen. I get it. But “both of these women have a dominant sexuality”. Both means two. And two means Dakota Fanning.

My question – did Joan Jett tell Dakota Fanning to “put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar” or did she tell her something similar? Or did Cherie Currie say something like that?

Sweet and pure and innocent and underage, Dakota Fanning. Did Joan Jett or Cherie Currie tell her to put her pussy on the microphone or to fuck the microphone or the amp or the speakers or what? Did they just reserve that filthy language to the old soul that is 19 year old Kristen Stewart? Was it Kristen who only heard that potty mouth talking Joan Jett talking about putting her pussy on things? Or did Joan Jett tell Dakota Fanning to put her vaginal area on stringed instruments or the microphone as well? I would like to know. Curious minds want to know.

I think I made a reference once about Dakota Fanning being cute. She is an adorable innocent who goes to high school, is a cheerleader, was homecoming queen at her school and has done an excellent job acting in several films. I said she was cute and I remember receiving some comments calling me a sicko. Meanwhile, she is being cast as a lead singer of a band of girls that guys apparently want to fuck hard and people are now telling her to put her pussy on things. Seriously, there is a double standard being made here between myself and Joan Jett. I just said she was cute. I didn’t tell her to go fuck a guitar.

I feel like even Joan Jett and Cherie Currie know better and did not say anything of the sort to Dakota Fanning knowing that it would needlessly destroy her holy innocence. I am against drilling for oil in Alaska. I’ve never been to Alaska, but I’ve seen pictures. It looks pristine and perfect. We shouldn’t destroy it if there are plenty of places in the world we could drill for oil. Just let the polar bears and wolves and whales roam free and have their artic tundra or whatever animals are up in Alaska. Same goes for Dakota Fanning. Joan Jett and Cherie Currie, I’m sure they used all their drunken sailor advice on Kristen the black sheep who with all her want is the anti-thesis for innocence for some reason. And the two rock stars refrained from ruining Dakota’s innocence by telling her to put her pussy on things and to fuck a Fender.

Also, while writing that I realized that who ever takes Dakota Fanning’s virginity with be destroying the artic circle in my opinion, apparently. Who ever that guy is, he might as well be killing the polar bears, black bears, brown bears, moose, caribou, mountain goats, bison, dall sheep, orcas, countless birds and fish, and, of course, the quiet and solitary Eskimo nation. Remember that. Who ever fucks Dakota Fanning first is killing the Eskimos. So leave Dakota Fanning alone and leave her Alaskan pussy wildlife alone. And I guess if you want to do some “drilling” grab Kristen “Detroit Rock City’s pussy” Stewart.

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