All Boof did was want it – Kristen Stewart can do that.

I need to handle some website business aka bid-ness before we all move onto the thought provoking hilarity. I think it was Leigh Anne or Lula who commented on Friday about asking me questions. I read the comments section regularly which was apparent yesterday, so any/all questions can be written in the comments section. But were you referring to emailing me questions? I could setup an email account where you can send questions et cetera, if that is what you meant or what you all would like. I fear that would make for less productivity on the comments section. What would I do without all these lovely comments? Go back to my normal commentless existence!?! What a cruel cruel twist of fate that would be.

I’m not saying I will answer all questions because I need to keep some mystery about myself for say next week. Just think of asking me questions like it is a game of Russian roulette. Each of the 6 cylinders of the Kristen Stewart Wants IT revolver is one of your questions. Sadly five of those cylinders are empty, but one of your question cylinders is loaded up with a .357 magnum slug truth bullet and BLAM! When the trigger is pulled on that one, it is an explosion of Kristen Stewart truthocity or Jordan truthinegrity all up in your face.

 

There will be no KSWI update tomorrow. I have been posting on the reg so I don’t want to scare anyone into thinking I have had the mental breakdown we all know we are secretly expecting. I will not be around a computer tomorrow. I will be in the real world where there is sunlight and trees and people. I do not venture outside too often for fear of deadly airborne pathogens and for fear of animals and when they attack. I have watched a lot of those “animals attack” television shows and I have never seen an animal attack happen in my own home, my job, a movie theater or a bar so I know I’m safe at those places.

So, email address? And, tomorrow, I am tempting God by going into the badlands where the animals are, so no post. But today, here comes the funny.

Has anyone else heard about this movie called Twilight? I have a feeling you ladies may like it. If you haven’t heard about you should Netflix it.

 

 

 

 

 

Psych! Ahhhh…. whew…. That was a good one. Right? Saying “pysch” was the best. It’s coming back. That was a good joke. Me pretending like you didn’t know about Twilight. We have all had a good laugh.

Today, I am going to analyze the current trailer for Twilight: New Moon. There are three things that stick out in the trailer. First, Kristen Stewart wants it. I don’t know if you were expecting a different “first”, but if you were then you need to pay more attention to the words that create sentences on this website or at least the title of the website. Second, slow motion vamp on vamp action. Third, the guy with the muscles is a wolf. It is about 50/50 what was more surprising, his muscles or the whole transforming into a wolf thing?

Kristen Stewart still wants IT

Having faith in something is hard work. To have faith that something will always be there without your empirical knowledge of it is a rigorous mental test day in and day out. I know I have heard plenty of priests and clergymen from all religions talk about their own struggles with faith. Some days when you see a terrible tragedy or experience a terrible tragedy it is harder than others to have faith in God. Or if you’re simply depressed and feel alone in the world it is hard to believe there is someone out there watching over you. Or when you are eating a bowl of Crispix cereal with milk. You keep thinking to yourself:

“Kelloggs says that Crispix chex don’t get soggy in milk, but seriously they have to be soggy by now. I have been keeping a slower than regular pace eating today’s bowl of cereal. My mind has been wandering and I answered a couple text messages. There is just absolutely no way they are still crunchy!”

And then you spoon that next hexagon of goodness into your mouth and *crunch* God exists! You have to have faith in the chex. They don’t let you down.

I have this similar problem with Kristen Stewart. Like the all powerful chex at repelling milk sogginess I sometimes doubt its abilities even though I know I shouldn’t. It is my cynical human nature waiting for tragedy at every corner. I find myself, in my darkest hour(s), questioning whether or not Kristen Stewart still wants it. *GASP* I know it is a truly terrible thought. I catch myself nervous typing her name into the Google images search engine worrying that I will not be able to find new evidence of her wanting it. But time and time again my faith is restored. Like witnessing one of God’s miracles (examples: Vanessa Hudgens’ second set of pictures that were stolen off her phone, the new television show Shaq Vs., that time I bought a cheesesteak with a $10 bill and was given change for a $20) each and every time I see a picture of Kristen Stewart she is still wanting it. Case in point, this trailer:

She wants it. What else possibly goes through your head when you see Kristen Stewart? That is immediately the first thing that enters my mind. This picture screams she wants it. I can’t say it enough how endurable her want is. Kristen wants it so bad, so bad right here. How do I doubt this girl? It is insanity that I have even a shred of doubt that she wants it. That’s it. I’m giving up on worrying. There will always be new pictures of Kristen Stewart wanting it.

Boom. Still wanting it. Kristen Stewart still wants it folks. I know a lot of you ladies and men are thinking “well I would want it too if I was up against Rob”, but if Kristen was up against Martin Landau who I think is dead, she would still want it. That is who Kristen is. That is what she does. She should have business cards printed up. Top line: Kristen Stewart. Second line: I want it.

Girl can take a bump and still fucking want it. I will go into my opinion of Rob’s defensive/offensive tactics in a minute, but Kristen takes a header into the wall and pops up wanting it. You can’t break this kid’s spirit. You knock her down and she comes up wanting it more. Well not technically “more” considering you cannot increase the infinite. But that is semantics. Kristen Stewart’s want does not dull even if she is thrown into a wall.

A little bit of Kristen’s patented confused + want. This also results in the Kristen Stewart little bunny look that was first noted in the Jumper clip. Someone needs to address this. I can understand if the director is not used to working with Kristen. He must treat her like all other young actors and think that she has little ability at replicating one good take to another. She did this take and the camera is moving and she is wanting it and she is confused and the director yells cut. He looks back at it through the monitor and sees the buckteeth thing and decides that there is no way she can pull off another incredible take of looking that confused and looking like she wants it that badly. But he is wrong. Kristen could do a million takes and she will never stop wanting it. The confusion may wane, but never the want. So next time do a take 2 without the buckteeth.

She wants it. This part of the trailer is when she is dealing with the Bob Marley vampire. Kristen is exhausted about the worrying over if this guy is going to kill her or if Rob has left her for good and all that other nonsense. She just wants to want it. Why is all this other shit piling up around her? Can’t Kristen Stewart want it in peace? Kristen Stewart is frustrated because they are trying to prevent her from wanting it. Why won’t dreadlocks chill out, sell me my weed, not vampire kill me, and let me simply want it?

Vampires hate furniture

From what I remember, most of the fighting in the first Twilight took place at the end of the movie in that one scene. It seems like the big move for Pacific Northwest vampires is the “push”. They love pushing each other. Technically since vampires are really strong their push turns into a throw, but still how about we take a kick-boxing class? I know everything has been going well with the push and if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, but come on. One of these vampires is bound to stumble into a New York Sports Club at some point and take a tae-bo class.

 

The vampires for whatever reason play baseball like they are from the 1880’s so I think it is pretty safe to assume that another rival sect could have taken up a combat sport. There is a Tiger Schulman’s Karate center in every strip mall in America. The rule of probability dictates that one of them has to get curious enough during their immortality that they take a class. I think the first lesson is free. In this vampire fighting world of pushing, the one that knows how to shoot for a takedown, throw an uppercut, or simply sidestep the push and throw a push of their own will be king.

Kristen should give Rob a gift certificate for self-defense classes for his birthday.

Someone should piss test the wolf-boy for steroids

Probably the only good thing about returning to school from summer vacation was seeing which girls “developed” during those off months. Everyone says their goodbyes and signs each others’ yearbooks those last days of class. Everyone has a break from school for a few months until you’re back for the monotony one more time around. Then Labor Day hits and you’re walking those halls again and sitting bored out of your mind in those classes again. But that first week or so, checking out who grew boobs or bigger ones was an activity that I have a fond Norman Rockwell-esque nostalgia about.

Shazaam! For Kristen Stewart, seeing Taylor like this must’ve blown a gasket in that wanting it engine she calls a brain. That dude is huge (that’s what she said). Why is he that huge (that’s what she said)? I don’t understand this. He is the same guy who had long hair and stunk of bong water in the first movie, right? Am I the only one who thought he looked like a peripheral character in the keg party scene in Dazed and Confused? And now, he is a Native-American He-Man. What happened?

Also, why did it happen? I am all for physical fitness and bettering yourself. But he is a wolf or werewolf or lycan or whatever. People with superpowers do not work out. Martian Manhunter and the Green Lantern don’t have a bowflex at Justice League headquarters. This kid is ripped. If you turn into a big ass wolf then you don’t need to work out or at least you don’t need to gain 30 pounds of muscle in a 4 month span of time.

Lastly, I think it is simply unfair. Already as far as competing with girls’ high standards I need to be dark and moody, have superpowers, and be in great shape when I’m not using my motherflipping superpowers(!). What’s next? Is Taylor going to be witty? What are they are going to leave me with? Twilight 3, Taylor learns German and publishes a response to Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason. This is bullshit.

I’ll be back on Thursday.

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