It happened. I saw it. I had the single greatest viewing experience of my entire life.

I saw all the glory.

I was humbled by its brilliance.

I was in awe.

This weekend, my previous perspective on life, love, death and “why are we all here” was shattered. It was demolished. It was completely destroyed. And now I have been born anew.

It was the closest to God’s face I will ever see with these mortal eyes and I wept.

This past weekend, I saw…

Devin Hester’s ass

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Did you think I was talking about Twilight: New Moon? Oh I saw that crap, but I’ll get to that later. This was infinitely better than that movie.

That’s his butt right there! I couldn’t believe it. I’ll set this scenario up for you:

Dawgz and I are watching TV. We’re watching the Sunday night football game of the Philadelphia Eagles vs. the Chicago Bears. The Eagles are winning in the 4th quarter with only a minute and a half left. The Bears have the ball and the whole game is resting on what will Jay Cutler be able to do in this 90 seconds with no timeouts. Can he drive the ball down field for a game winning touchdown? Will he throw another interception? Could he throw a 3rd and 1 pass short and low over the middle for Chicago Bears’ wide receiver Devin Hester to barely miss, but for Philadelphia Eagles’ cornerback Dimitri Patterson to attempt a tackle which concludes with him depantsing Devin Hester on national television? YES WE CAN!

Unreal! Dawgz and I didn’t notice it in real time, but every play is crucial in football so they do a slow motion replay to show what went wrong or right. In the replay, I was watching the short pass and watching Hester trying to catch it off his shoelaces while remaining standing so he could run for it. He should have just dove for it to get the first down because it was 3rd and 1, but it was a valiant effort trying to catch and remain standing. Then Patterson flies in and grabs Hester exactly where the Lord, our Father, intended him to: his damn pants. He spins, falls, and brings Hester’s pants with him to the ground. My first reaction was:

“Did I just see Devin Hester’s black ass on my television?”

OH YES I DID! Thank the Creator for DVR folks! Dawgz rewinds it and we pause it right where there is a perfect ass shot of Devin Hester in the middle of my TV. For the next 10 – 30 minutes, Dawgz and I proceeded to laugh uncontrollably through so many tears that Devin Hester’s black ass was completely exposed on network television and was now a frozen static image on my HD TV.

I immediately took my cell phone. Took a picture and then sent it to all of my friends. We also watched the depantsing a hundred more times. Unbelievable. Also I love Devin Hester. I did before, but this only adds to his myth already. His ass is so black too. There are a lot of brothers in the league, but their asses aren’t literally that black as Hester’s is. If Laverneus Coles got depantsed on Sunday against the Raiders we all know his ass would look like a frappucino. Or if Osi Umenyoura from the Giants got depantsed I would put my money on his ass being a cafe mocha with just a touch of Matt Hasslebeck’s ass, milk, in there. Even some really black guys who have an ass color that resembles straight coffee isn’t as black as Hester’s ass. His ass is the damn coffee bean!

Anyway, in all honesty I think I should stop talking about the NFL because someone might feel tempted to mention that my Pittsburgh Steelers lost to the Chiefs, the FUCKING CHIEFS!?!, and I can only think of one word that will describe what I will do to them and everyone they know or have ever known: holocaust. That’s right. I will holocaust you.

So… Devin Hester’s ass is wonderful. And I saw that fucking movie with the vampires and the high school kids and the werewolves and the mysterious lack of plot development, story arcs, acting skills, writing, and sense.

This week will be a short week as far as Kristen Stewart related material goes. Today, Tuesday and Wednesday, I will review New Moon in 3 parts. Today’s part will focus on the actual movie going experience and my initial thoughts. Tomorrow will be an in depth look at specific moments and themes in the film, Wednesday will end the immortal debate of Team Edward vs. Team Jacob and I’ll choose which one of these assholes should get Bella. Thursday is Thanksgiving and Friday is hangover day from Thanksgiving. I will try to post some more chapters like I did from last Friday’s post which I’m glad you all seemed to like.

As for my review, I think you noticed already that I referred to them as Edward, Jacob and Bella. Since I literally saw and heard this movie, I will be using their character names. But I’ll probably also break into Fake-Rob and Fake-Taylor when I see fit. So try to stay with me.

Where were you November 20th, 2009? John F. Kennedy on 11/22, the Twin Towers on 9/11 and now New Moon!

That’s what I leaned over and said to Dawgz while in the movie theater. Yes, I did in fact see the movie with Dawgz. I originally had plans to see the movie with other people and they canceled maybe because they realized they would actually have to see the movie. So in one last ditch effort, one hail Mary pass, I convinced Dawgz to see the movie with me. He had never seen the first in any capacity and had no interest to, but he was a little interested to see this. He refused for several hours, but what eventually sold him was my invoking: the United States Army Rangers.

Neither of us are military men nor come from a military family. But everyone knows that the motto of the Army Rangers is “never leave a man behind” which we learned from hundreds of action movies. I threw it out there that Dawgz was not being a Ranger and he was shredded by that idea. It was a low blow, but I couldn’t see this movie alone. Calling out Dawgz’s manhood by saying he would leave a fellow Ranger on the battlefield alone was a confrontational moment in our apartment, but it had to be done. Dawgz took up the mantel and proved his manliness, his Army Ranger-ness by going to see a 2 hour movie that teen girls to grown women soil themselves at the mere mention of.

We arrived at the movie theater already a little fucked up and I brought with me 2 airplane size bottles of Jack Daniels. I bought a coke from the refreshment stand and told the guy he only had to fill it half way. He was thoroughly perplexed that I would pay full price for a half filled drink, but I assured him whether I was crazy or not that is what I wanted. Then I poured my happy juice into the coke and mixed it around to provide myself the perfect elixir to watch this movie with. I was right and wrong. I should have brought a whole fucking bottle.

Needless to say, the theater was sold out. By my estimates it was 90% vagina. I did see a few guys there, but not many. It was the 4pm showing so it was a little too early for date night. The two major uterus groups were girls who got out of school and women who left work early. I actually heard a few women talking about how they had to go back to work now and didn’t know if they could function normally now that they saw the movie. There were probably some gay guys there, but not many. I think the gays actually made the venture into NYC to watch the movie. The guys I saw seemed to be tagging along with girls they went to school with or were closeted homos and I didn’t notice. I know a couple people who saw it in the theaters in NYC and their gay guy report was that gay guys are on Team Jacob. They love Taylor. I buy that. Gay guys are in great shape. And so is Taylor. So that would make sense.

Being in the theater reminded me of high school or more so the cafeteria again. Being in a room where so many people are talking at the same time that it sounds like a car crash. It isn’t people yelling. It is fast and emphatic dialogue between hundreds of people and when all blended together like 50 violins playing the same note at once it becomes deafening. There was such a palatable excitement in there and every second the movie drew closer the more I couldn’t fucking believe I was sitting there seeing this damn movie. Seriously, I saw New Moon in theaters on opening day!?! There are so many movies I want to see that are in theaters or have been in theaters this year and I didn’t see them, but I saw this opening day.

The trailers started and I wasn’t ready for this at all. It became abundantly clear two or three trailers in that this was going to be more wild than I could have expected. I’ve seen plenty of movies with crazy fans before. I saw all the three Lord of the Rings movies on midnight showings, I saw the Matrix Reloaded at midnight and Matrix Revolutions at 9:30am as a part of the opening worldwide at the same time premiere, I saw the Star Wars trilogy reissue opening night for each and then I saw the second Star Wars trilogy at their midnights as well. I have seen nerd movies with nerds and none of them were nearly as ridiculous as this was. I know you tried to warn me that there would be screaming, but I thought you were being neurotic and hyperbolic like how women do with everything. You were right. I was wrong.

The second or third trailer was for Remember Me. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I didn’t know what Remember Me was, but Robert Pattinson is in it and when he appeared on screen in the first second after the green preview screen went away the place fucking erupted. I’m talking about Muhammad Ali knocking out George Foreman in the jungles of Africa erupted. I’m talking about America seeing Devin Hester’s black ass in slow motion HD on NBC erupted. It was absolutely ridiculous. The cacophony of screaming and shrilling. It sounded like their excitement was being torn out of their bodies. Like it was forcing itself through their pores and being yanked out of their mouths by a steel cable. It was insane. And this was for a stupid trailer. I couldn’t even comprehend what the movie was going to be like. The movie did eventually start after maybe 2 dozen trailers that have equally ludicrous romance immortal love plots like Twilight has.

When the theater went dark, these Twihards took control like this was martial law. They barked and shushed every sound because their holy grail was about to start playing. So let’s talk about this movie. I’m going to talk “spoilers” over the next few days. Since the movie did go on to make 140 million fucking dollars then you should or have seen it.

New Moon is slow. Real slow. Like everything that happens in it is slow. The opening credits were so slow it was mind numbingly ridiculous. This is a teenage vampire book, not The Ten Commandments! It felt like it took 10 minutes for New Moon to fully appear and disappear on the screen.

Kristen Stewart appears on screen and no noise. This is why the WNBA fails. Women are not out there supporting other women. You can’t allow this to fall on men. As men we already have the NBA and now you want us to watch another NBA, but filled with women. It is too much. No screaming or clapping for Miss Wants It when she showed up. And she did want it. She wants it this whole damn movie. From the awkward scenes of her in high school to her screaming in her bed to her running through Italy to the dozen or so scenes of her being driven home in her own car and then the guy driving the car gets to her house and drops her off only to run home alone in the woods – Kristen Stewart fucking wants it. But we all knew that.

It didn’t take long, but Edward shows up. In what was the first of many scenes completely based around glamor shots of either Rob or Taylor, Edward slow mo walks from his Volvo with the wind blowing his shirt to the side through the parking lot of the high school. Not one of the fellow high schoolers find this at all weird. Those kids need to be tested for proper brain activity because he does not look, act or at all seem like a high schooler. Slow motion catwalk strutting does not happen in high school parking lots and especially not in the woodsy town they are in. Also, my ears are bleeding from the screaming inside the theaters.

Ed and Bella have a nice weirdo awkward conversation with some of their classic head rubbing. It isn’t kissing. It is more like how two puppies show affection, rubbing noses and foreheads. So weird. Why on Earth would a girl want a guy who acted like this is beyond me? Hey honey, what’s up? I’m not going to kiss you hello. I’m going to passionately rub hairline against yours. But this scene stuck with me because it was my first taste of Twilight acting and writing. Phenomenal.

Twilight is so serious. So serious. The closest thing it resembled to me was Spanish Soap Operas, but it was drab and moody and with better special effects. Also this was my first time hearing Ed/Rob/Fake-Rob speak as this new iconic romantic figure. So my first impression of the great Edward Cullen, the great Robert Pattinson, was and continued to be one word the entire movie: Listless.

This motherfucker is the most listless person ever! He has no lists! Absent of lists! It was absurd. He has no energy ever. Someone get these vampires some Red Bulls because for fuck’s sake they’re all on the verge of napping. I’m not entirely sure how being a vampire works with maintaining your insulin levels, but Ed may be hypoglycemic and he may need a bag of graham crackers for a pick me up.

Then Taylor! Taylor Lautner aka Jacob shows up in the parking lot too. I think this might have been the only scene where he had his shirt on, regardless the girls screamed like a bomb went off. It was nuts. This screaming by Team Jacob prompted Team Edward girls to boo which meant the rest of the movie was a tug of war for these girls to out scream and out boo each other through out the rest of the movie when either one of these jackasses appeared on screen.

Jacob is not listless. Jacob is just kind of creepy. Ed is a creep show too, but a lot of that comes from him being pale and having no sugar in his body to speak of. As for Jacob, he is part small child and part Olympic level body builder which is freaky.

So the whole movie for the most part followed these templates:

1. Robert Pattinson is on screen listless doing the worst James Dean/Marlon Brando impression. Whatever he says is so low in the sound mix I can’t hear it and the ear piercing screeches of teenage girls is so loud my vision is blurred.

2. Taylor Lautner is on screen and has no shirt on. This is followed by the sounds of an entire theater of females violently orgasming whether they want to or not.

3. Kristen Stewart wanting it while making obscenely terrible decisions.

That is the majority of the movie.

There was more action in this movie than the last, so I can’t imagine it was worse than the first. So I imagine you all liked this one more. Also it didn’t have an unexplainable baseball scene. There was an unexplainable double date scene though.

The thing I don’t understand though is the idea of you all not wanting to see the movie with the screaming girls. That made the movie for me. The movie itself is not good. It is at best as dramatically amazing as an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (the original or remake). Seeing the movie in the circus that was screaming girls was hysterical. I couldn’t stop laughing at the absurdity of the movie and even more so the absurdity of these girls screaming when either guy appeared on screen. And I get them screaming. I get that these girls wanted to see this movie to scream because they think Rob or Taylor or both are hot. I get that. Guys don’t do that, but I get that. Guys don’t see Baywatch in theaters and scream at how hot they girls look in slow motion running down the beach. But I get the fun in it.

What I don’t get is seeing the movie to see the movie. I don’t get that you actually want to hear the dialogue and follow the plot of Bella all of a sudden flying commercially to Italy and then being driven around in a yellow Porsche to then run through the streets of some Italian city to get there just in time before Ed steps out into the sunlight to sparkle during the middle of some ritualistic ceremony for a holiday about getting rid of vampires in Italy…. WTF! Come on! Really? This is what you want to really see or hear? The girls screaming and going nuts because Rob has his shirt off make 100% sense. I get it. He is a listless motherfucker, but he has a flat stomach with those angular bones down by his waist line. He is Calvin Klein early 90’s heroin sheik. I get that. But the plot? Come on!

There is no way you two can fight each other without hurting me.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Dawgz laughed so hard when he heard that line that it caused the whole theater to start laughing. The movie was fun in that sense, but that doesn’t justify $140 million. Girls are crazy.

Tomorrow – I’ll talk about specific reoccurring themes in the movie that really irked me and the one scene that I actually enjoyed.

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