Dawgz & I’s Excellent Adventure to Bollywood

Movies rock.

They do. I pride myself on knowing movies. I watch movies, a lot of movies, different types of movies, ones that I know I won’t even like. I simply love movies. Because of this I have a subscription to Netflix. In all honesty, I started this journey with Netflix because of a bad movie: The Crow: City of Angels. I didn’t see this awful and first sequel to The Crow when it came out years upon years ago in the theaters. But for whatever reason, one day in college I had this desire to see it. I really just wanted to see how bad it truly was. But Blockbuster didn’t carry it, rightly so. This led me to a problem, would I have to track down a copy of this movie on ebay and purchase it fully knowing that I would not like it? Thankfully, while doing just that I saw an advertisement for Netflix on the internet. Twenty minutes later, I was signed up for Netflix and have been ever since.

Why am I mentioning all this? Well, Netflix has a feature on its website that changed my life the other night. This feature? “Local Favorites”. I live in Jersey City, which is heavily populated by Indian people nowadays. Indian people from India. As in the sub-continent. This means all of my “local favorites” are all Bollywood movies. Like actual Bollywood movies. Not this Slumdog Millionaire bullshit. Not a British director with a bunch of British actors who are ethnically Indian. I’m talking about REAL Bollywood. Like the Bollywood you only hear about on the internet. The internet! So, I decided it was about time I watch a real Bollywood movie and not just random Youtube clips.

First thing first, Bollywood movies are fucking LONG. Real long. Like “that’s what she said” long. Like Reds long. Like “what are you up to tomorrow because I’m unemployed and I’m going to watch a Bollywood movie and being unemployed means I can only accomplish one task a day before I get sleepy and take naps on the couch” long. I am on Netflix and just going through the first four movies listed: 122, 132, 181 and 172. Minutes! Not Pesos! One hundred and eighty one minutes! One hundred and seventy two minutes! I’ll let you in on a secret – none of these movies have “teenage” vampires in them. 145… 212!… 153 and 192! Those are next four films’ runtimes! People in India change their mailing address to the movie theater when they go see Bollywood.

So, I chose a “shorter” Bollywood movie at 135 minutes long called Dhoom 2: Back in Action. Yeah, that’s right Dhoom 2. It’s the sequel to whatever the hell Dhoom is. But why did I pick this movie? Well, it is fairly recent at 2006, it isn’t 3 hours long, it is an action film and the movie poster looks like THIS!

DHOOM! Fucking fuck yeah! How could this movie be bad? Spoiler alert – it is bad. Like fucking awful bad. So bad that the movie comes full circle and is amazing. I don’t know what your immediate reaction to this poster is, but you can bet your sweet ass that this movie is WILD! There is fire on the poster. There is two smoking hot chicks on the poster. And the guys … and the three guys on the poster… what words can be invented right now to describe what I’m seeing with these three gentlemen? Fan-tabulo-amaze-balls!

Now, let’s talk about this movie BECAUSE IT IS EPIC! Also, let’s talk about it because that is what today’s post is completely about. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that there is no movie being made, has been made, or ever will be made (unless by me) in America like this movie. Imagine the sheer insanity of Transformers 2, the emotional depth of Step Up, the engaging dialogue of a typical Hills episode re-written by someone who is actually illiterate and all of this is schizophrenically cut with pop music and dance sequences that would make Beyonce drool.

Enough foreplay, let’s get into it*.

Actually, a little more foreplay. Up under the shirt, just down the pants and hands everywhere. Before the movie starts, there is an advertisement saying that this movie is sponsored by Pepe Jeans. This movie has got to be good. How many movies do you know that are sponsored by jeans? Also, I watched this movie (like you should) on Netflix “Watch Instantly” and I can’t get the pause icons to disappear, so just deal with it. Foreplay is almost over.

FUCKING BOOM! DHOOM! Is that a man dressed as an elderly woman? Is that elderly woman who is actually a man supposed to be the Queen of England? The QUEEN OF ENGLAND!?! Yes! Yes it is. DHOOM! You were not expecting that were you!?! This glorious movie starts in the middle of the desert in India where the Queen of England is taking a train ride and on this train, besides the Queen of England being played by a man, is the Queen’s crown, which is worth millions. She/he/she/he warns her/his crack security team that someone could try to steal the crown and that person could attack the train from the sky. And… he/she/he/she/he/he/he/he is completely fucking right.

DHOOM! You were not expecting that were you!?! Literally “out of nowhere” a helicopter shows up, a guy jumps out of said helicopter and majestically lands on the roof of the train via his gay pride “no more prop 8” parachute. And then this happens:

DHOOM! You were not expecting that were you!?! Oh my Jebus! What in the beautiful holy hell of glossy tan skin is going on here? But before your brain even has the chance to fire that message off between its synapses – this happens!

DHOOM! FUCKING DHOOM! Oh my lord this may be my favorite movie of all time and we’re not even 5 minutes into it. Seriously, this is tremendous. Why is every movie not exactly like this? A man playing the Queen of England? The Queen of England takes train rides through an uninhabitable desert? Who was flying that helicopter? Why doesn’t every character in every movie look like this guy with this many hero shots in a row?

This review will be a billion words if I keep going at this pace. Let me fast forward to about… oh maybe two minutes later.

YES! He is surfing on sand now.

Amazing! Why is he still skitching on the train with this guy firing the shotgun at him? Who knows? What the hell is going on? I have no idea. The long and short of it, the amazing looking dude got dressed up like the Queen of England, snuck on to the train, stole the crown, fought the security guards on the roof of the train using his snow/sandboard as his weapon against their guns, jumps off the train to ride along the train on the sandboard, somehow propels himself back onto the train and knocking out the guy with the shotgun, and then jumps off the train again and rides it to safety.

DHOOM! The above paragraph definitely makes zero sense and, at the same time, it is exactly what happens in the movie… in the first 7 minutes! SEVEN minutes. Look at the screen capture: 7 minutes. Already this movie has blown past any line of decency or sanity and we are just getting to the opening credits. Also, this is when Dawgz and I and the viewers of the world are treated to one amazing fact – the movie only gets crazier.

DHOOM!

DHOOM!

DHOOM!

I give up! I relent! I cannot take it anymore!

The opening credits is the first of many musical sequences. The featured entertainment in this routine is our ambiguous, cross dressing, incredibly ripped, greasy haired, thief, sandboarding, martial artist… hero? Villain? Mute? He hasn’t said a word of dialogue, but he is now singing. Yeah, singing! And what pray tell is this song about? DHOOM! The opening credits is a song and dance number about the movie you are actually watching. How great is that? That is more self-centered than Bad Company writing a song called “Bad Company” and having an album called Bad Company. The song “Bad Company” isn’t about how great the band Bad Company is. But that is exactly what this DHOOM song is about.

This is just the start of the self reflection in this movie. The DHOOM I keep saying is exactly what the movie does. When something stupendous happens or some big reveal is, well, revealed they actually say DHOOM in the background. Like “Damn! Can you believe this movie? DHOOM!” Who does that? What other movie has the balls to do that? None. No matter how great The Godfather gets, they never just go GODFATHER after a great scene. Can you imagine after Sonny Corleone is shot (a million times) and killed, someone shouted GODFATHER? That would be the illest. “You can’t handle the truth!” A FEW GOOD MEN! “I’ll have what she’s having.” WHEN HARRY MET SALLY! “Stupid is as stupid does.” FORREST GUMP! FORREST GUMP, MOTHERFUCKERS! DHOOM!

So, what happens after the opening credits? What happens at minute 8 of this 135 minute movie? What happens is exactly what you expect – more completely ridiculous things that make absolutely no sense and are highly entertaining because your brain doesn’t know how to comprehend any of it leaving you in this flashy color high of the wildest Indians from India. The next scene starts on a riverboat on a jungle river with a bunch of gangster looking Indians when a guy on a motorcycle dressed as an audience member at a Village People concert flies out of the jungle trees and lands on top of the river boat.

DHOOM! Seriously, that is what happens. It takes so much to explain the unexplainable that is going on in this movie. Quickly, I’ll say that this Indian man, who may or may not be auditioning for The Jersey Shore, turns out to be a cop(!) and is trying to do a drug bust sting on the guys on the riverboat. He is a bumbling fool of a character and messes up the drug bust. He pleads for back-up to help him… when… this… HAPPENS –

DHOOM!

DHOOM!

YES! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK IS HAPPENING! This man in jeans, a t-shirt and a black suit jacket with red piping was hiding underneath the jungle river water on a jet ski and some how by the power of Moses propels himself out of the water and high into the air and onto the effing boat! DHOOM! Who on Earth would actually think this is acceptable to be filmed? Michael Bay’s imagination is infantile in comparison to this. I won’t lie to you, there may be 60 foot tall alien shape-shifters battling to death with laser guns on a planet in an unknown universe that will one day land on our planet to continue their war disguised as large automobiles. That COULD happen. What CAN’T happen, is a guy on a jet ski hiding under water for minutes to only fly out of the water on the jet ski so high he clears a riverboat. And, he actually does it twice. He flies over the first time and draws his pistol and shoots and kills the bad guys on the boat. He lands on the other side, shoots and kills more bad guys who are on another boat, turns around and jumps up again with the jet ski and this time he lands on the damn roof of the boat. D-H-O-O-M!

And who is this man of unimaginable power that have no place in everyday life?

DHOOM! Look at this dude’s hair. It is everything. He is combining every style from pompadour to faux hawk to Donald Trump’s whatever to spun black gold. This man with the hair and beard is also nicknamed “Mr. Long Legs”. I’m just saying, what more do you want? He and the muscle shirt are cops. Apparently, they are the main characters from the last movie too. The storyline of the movie can be boiled down to these two guys trying to catch the sandsurfing thief dancer singer guy. But wait… who is this?

DHOOM

DHOOM

DHOOM!

Damn it, she’s hot. Take a guess at what this flawless creature does? She’s a cop. Of-fucking-course. I’ve met so many cops that look and dress like this. I’m always strolling up to my car getting a parking ticket with an exotic supermodel in an undershirt and tight jeans writing it. Didn’t you know all lady cops in Jersey City are former Miss World competitors? This perfect looking woman is the new detective brought in to assist with the thief guy from before. She’s been tracking him. His name is Mr. A. Turns out that “Mr. Long Legs” and her have a bit of a “history” together. Problem is, “Mr. Long Legs” is stupid married with a stupid pregnant wife. But they still have feelings for each other. How do I know this?

DHOOM!

DHOOM! The second song and dance number is all about it. I’m not sure what you are all thinking right now. I’m not sure if you are thinking at all anymore because this is all blowing up your damn minds. But I am really only scratching the surface of what is really going on. I mean, I’m saying it is a song and dance number. You can somewhat imagine the absurdity of the dancing because of screenshots like the above and like this…

DHOOM! But, the singing? What are they singing? Oh, you did not just ask this question. Do you feel a DHOOM coming on? Because I do. Here is a lyric from this particular song:

“If my heart loses its self control, there will be no end to the rock and roll.”

DHOOM! DHOOM! DHOOM!

DHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I WANT TO SHOUT THIS FROM A MOUNTAIN TOP FOR ALL THE WOMEN OF THE UNIVERSE TO HEAR! Oh man! Damn it! DAMN IT! I am glad women are the majority of the readers of this site because I just want to know one thing – how badly do you want “Mr. Long Legs'” heart to lose its self control and give you an endless amount of his rock and roll? I mean are you freaking out at your desks or on the bus or where ever you’re reading this? Have you already ran to a private place to rewrite that Diddle Diary with “Mr. Long Legs” and his rock and roll? Or could you not contain yourself and you’re just going at it right there in public in front of people? DHOOM!

Just for your information that song lyric does rhyme and it rhymes in English, but is sung in Hindi. I don’t know how that works, but it does. This is another mystery of Bollywood or at least DHOOM – half of the dialogue is spoken in English and half is spoken in Hindi. And it isn’t every other sentence, but sometimes just certain words or just the second half of a sentence to seemingly emphasize it. I cannot explain that nor do I think the filmmakers can either. But it is crazy and fucks with your mind. Why don’t they just do the whole film in English? Why don’t they just do the whole movie in Hindi? Choose one!

Whew, I’m exhausted. I need to skip ahead. Mr. A plans to steal some sword at a castle that is special for some reason. The three cops – biceps, rock and roll* and hottest woman ever – are there trying to stop Mr. A. They do a horrendous job of that and not only does Mr. A get to the sword, but so does some other thief.

Mr. A and ski mask have a showdown for who gets the sword. Ski mask nabs it and runs, but ski mask almost gets caught by the cops when…

Mr. A flies up the castle wall (yes, dressed in a Kato mask), kicks the chick cop over the wall, grabs ski mask, jumps off the castle wall in a reverse swan dive and some how repels to safety with ski mask in tow. Yeah, that happened. Mr. A and ski mask get to a safe place where Mr. A confronts ski mask about who ski mask be and ski mask be…

DHOOM! With a DHOOM perfect face and just so happens has this attached as her body…

DHOOM!

By the way, if you recognize this goddess it would not be too surprising. She is Aishwarya Rai aka seen by many as the most beautiful woman in the world. So that happens. The thief turns out to be the most beautiful woman in the world part 2. I don’t think cop “most beautiful woman in the world” is any less attractive than thief “most beautiful woman in the world”, but who knows? My brain has officially melted from DHOOM and it is really just getting under way.

After ski mask reveals that she is geometrically perfect, there is a song and dance sequence between her and Mr. A. The chorus of that song is “Sexy ladies on the floor, keep you coming back for more.” Not as brilliant as the other, but it’s not bad. Once that ends, hot chick runs out of the dance club they are singing together at. She runs out to the street where it is raining. And she runs past a basketball court where this happens…

DHOOM! Are you fucking kidding me!?! That is Mr. A dressed as the gayest Latin gangster ever. Why? I don’t know. Why is he playing basketball in the rain? I don’t know! How did he transform himself into this disguise that quickly? I don’t know! Do they even play basketball in India? I DON’T KNOW!

So, Bollywood doesn’t have any kissing or sex in their movies because they are too prude for that, but not prude to have guys on jet skis hide under jungle rivers fly out and attack riverboats shooting guns killing people. So, instead of having a sexy little romp between these two, they play BASKETBALL IN THE RAIN against each other. Take a guess if supermodel Aishwarya Rai or Hispanic Backstreet Boy can play basketball in real life? Judging by the scene, they have never heard of basketball until the moment they filmed that scene… in the rain.

I’m past the 3000 words mark and I’m only an HOUR into the movie. One hour! 60 minutes of 135! So, I literally need to skip a ton. Sincerely, you need to watch this movie because there is so much I’m leaving out. But…

They fly to Brazil (yes, you read that right) and Mr. A is still dressed that way for some reason. They plan to steal something there.

The cops fly there too. Instead of that being the hot cop, it is actually the hot cop’s identical twin sister who happens to live in Brazil. The hot cop doesn’t make the trip because Mr. A somehow broke her leg when he kicked her in the arm back at the castle – no joke. She stays in India, but thankfully she has that identical twin sister who lives in the exact city in Brazil (a country of 180 million people) where Mr. A is planning on committing his next thievery.

So many things happen like Mr. A and the hot chick falling in love, it turns out she knows “Mr. Long Legs” (who doesn’t), the other cop without the sleeves falls in love with the identical twin sister, songs and dancing and just a lot. I really don’t want to ruin any of the second HOUR and 15 MINUTES of the movie because you should really see and hear all of this with your own unworthy eyes/ears. But I need to show you just a few more pictures.

DHOOM! It’s like Heat! The good guy and the charismatic bad guy sharing a drink together and they know each other is the enemy! How dramatic!?! I love it. This is, of-fucking-course, followed by a dance sequence.

DHOOM

DHOOM

DHOOM!

I’m really at a loss for words. Some how kissing in public in this culture is seen as obscene, but everything that is happening above is seen as Kool and the Gang. They are a wild 1+ billion people.

I don’t know if I can watch another Bollywood movie outside of Dhoom 2. I cannot imagine any of them are as absurd. This movie, so I’ve read, is one of their biggest blockbusters, so most are not nearly as ridiculous. This was their big romance movie putting two of their biggest stars Aishwarya Rai and Hrirthik Roshan together, plus it is their big Mission: Impossible meets Bad Boys 2 blow’em up action spectacular.

I believe I will watch DHOOM again. I almost did watch it again taking these pictures. The movie is so engagingly horrendous that you need to watch it all. None of it makes any sense. It follows in the footsteps of truly terrible action movies like Max Payne, The Spirit or Gamer as far as a storyline that have zero intelligible qualities. But where as those movies think they’re dark and provoking and disturbed, they’re just plain fucking stupid. Dhoom is stupid, but it is fun. It is light-hearted, flashy, brightly colored and has more singing and dancing than an episode of Glee.

So, needless to say, you need to watch Dhoom 2 im-fucking-mediately. It is all the brash cheesiness, yet oddly unflinchingly seriousness of an American 80’s movie being tongue kissed by a Hype Williams music video being molested by an episode of Miami Vice, which is dry-humping a gaggle of gorgeous Indians.

In other words, Dhoom 2 wants IT. Bad. DHOOM!

I’m spent.