Q&A as always

Would you consider classical ballet a sport? Would a person who dances it be considered an athlete?

No. Um, do you “compete” in classical ballet? I think there has to be at least a competition or a way to win to be at least considered a game let alone a sport. If there is competitive routine match-ups like in figure skating then still no. I would definitely marry a figure skater or a the classical ballet female person. I need to be able to root for something in this fantasy though. I need the chick to have a rival for me to antagonize. I would consider them an athlete. That goes for figure skating as well. They are certainly “athletic” and they are in a competition based environment. I would add those together and say they are “athletes”. But not a “sport”. I am very conservative with my definition of what a “sport” is. Football, basketball, baseball, soccer, boxing, MMA, wrestling, tennis et cetera. I would put golf on the list of sports. And I think Tiger Woods solidified that when he started really changing the face of it. He pushed the golfers to be more athletic and I think even more competitive. I feel like there needs to be an element of competiting against a person at the same time for it to be a “sport”. If in figure skating they had them one on one on the ice at the same time trying to pull off tricks and they also got to hip check each other then it would definitely be a sport.

In conclusion – ballet chicks are cool. Sure, why not?

In my ongoing discussion with you all about directors/producers needing to apply an actor’s actual personality to finding them the correct role:

Seriously, this is phenomenal! Actors are not the beginning, middle and end of a movie. The director needs to set the world for them to show off in. The director needs to control the environment to best suit each particular actor to make something great. Actors cannot just be great in whatever. Given the right situation an actor can be unbelievable, but if they are put in shit situations then they will never make anything great. Just look at this personality and charisma that Dolph is showing. Just look at the movie JCVD and how unbelievably amazing Jean Claude Van Damme is in it. He should’ve been nominated for an Oscar he is that good. And seemingly he could do that all the time if given the right situation. Actors are the paint and the paintbrush, but the director is Bob Ross.

Notice all these roles that Mickey Rourke is getting nowadays. He will be good in only a few of them because it is not just a name or an actor that makes the role. Half of these roles they are giving him sound awful. Can Mickey Rourke be great? Sure. He was flat out awe inspiring in The Wrestler. But some of these other movies are garbage and he cannot make them not garbage.

Why are Americans so loud?

Human beings are loud. Human beings make their presence known. Have you not noticed we kind of took over the damn planet. We created pollution, global warming, killing all the animals, and laying concrete on everything. People are loud. All people. Even silent monks are always disturbing the ground raking stones. Stop that raking! I’m trying to sleep over here! Sure you’re not talking, but your stupid wooden sandals are killing my ears.

Is it wrong that I laughed hysterically when he nailed the hooker with the chainsaw from a three flight drop?

That movie is the best. You laugh while watching that movie. You laugh at all of it. “They have a great bathroom to do coke in.”

Why the hell is it so hard to eat chickpeas with a bamboo fork?

I don’t know what that is. A fork made of bamboo seems quite impractical. I have metal forks because metal is made from God’s fingernails. What other things do you own that are unfortunately made out of bamboo?

What is your song list for sexy times?

Song List? That assumes a need for a plural amount of songs. Is it supposed to last for more than one song? This song is like 5 whole minutes!

What will happen to this blog if you get a new yob and have to mork in the mornings instead of writing posts for us to ignore, critique and mock all afternoon?

I ask myself this a lot. And it makes me smile. Awwwww…. JORDAN! You’re so mean. Wah wah.

How did you feel about Kristen Stewart’s BAFTA toes?

I’m fine with them. I have no real foot fetish to begin with. She’s a cute broad this Kristen Stewart, so I’m not going to judge her as a whole just because she isn’t dressing her toes up. Also it is not like her toes are terrible. They just look unpainted to me. I really could care less.

On a scale of 1-John Mayer is a Douchebag, weigh in on Jenny Lumet’s and Robert Pattinson’s use of the word “Negro” in the Details interview. What does Rob mean? That Negroes whisper? That Negroes are deaf? Should someone tell Rob that we are 10 years into a new century in which most of us never thought we’d hear the word “Negro” again?

Yeah, I don’t know what the hell is going on in that interview. I blame Details more than Rob since they were the ones to introduce the word into the conversation. But it does not help the image any that I think Rob is an idiot. I hope whoever did the interview with Rob was fired. Not for racism. But for being an idiot. Seriously? Negro? Come on!

What’s the best gift you ever received?

My car. I’m in the middle of a SNOWICANE and my car made it its bitch. My Nissan Pathfinder rides high over the snow like the bullshit proletariat snow it is. I want to make a bumper sticker in support of trucks and suvs that says – “I ride high” or “I love riding high” and I will make a million dollars off of these.

If a new medicine was developed that would cure arthritis, but cause a fatal reaction in 1% of the people who took it, would you still want it released to the public?

Yes. Yes, definitely. No second thought. I would bet a high, high, high, high percentage of medicine on the market right now all have a 1% and higher percentage of proving fatal. John Stuart Mill and I are going to cure the nation – and some people may die in the process, but no where near as many as we will save.

You discover your wonderful one year old child is, because of a mixup at the hospital, not your. Would you want to exchange the child to try to correct the mistake?

Does this child already show any natural proclivity for any sport? It would really depend on how much time I have spent in the past year making this kid a boxer, field goal kicker, golfer or whatever and how much he/she seems to be accepting of it.

Would you rather be a member of a world championship sports team or be the champion of an individual sport? Which sport would you choose?

Am I a one time champion or am I a multiple champion? If it is one time then I would definitely say professional tackle football. If it is a multiple time champion then it would be Heavyweight Champion of the World in boxing/MMA. There is more history and legacy in team sports for a one time champion. One time champions come and go with little reverence in one-on-one sports. If one is a multiple champion in one-on-one then you are indisputably the greatest human being in that sport for a period of time and that has to be the unquestionable glory zenith.

One of the GREATEST 80’s movies ever – VISION QUEST


Which sex do you think has it easier in our culture? Have you ever wished you were a member of the opposite sex?

I have never wished I was a member of the opposite sex. I would say that men have it easier overall. Women definitely have advantages over men in many areas, but men definitely have it “easier” in one regard: they are the driver. If existence was progressing like a traveling car. Men would be the drivers. One day women may end up taking over the wheel, but up until this point – men have been the drivers. The driver needs to stay awake, the driver needs to be responsible, the driver has the most stress in the car, but they are in control while no one else is. If something happens I think most want to be in control, controlling their destiny instead of waiting to see what happens. Controlling one’s own fate whether it leads to riches or ruin is way more appealling than just watching someone else do it for the both of you.

What is your favorite book and why?

Fight Club – obvious. War & Peace – obvious.

What’s the worst injury you have ever had?

I’ve broken both wrists (not at the same time), torn ligaments in my foot, broken knuckles, broken fingers, broken miscellaneous bones in my hand, broken toes, 7 stitches in the back of my head, two broken noses, tore through my thumb and required 20 stitches to fix. Ummmmm… broken heart? Awwwww!

I am a man! Pain is temporary, glory is forever! What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger!

A “hot chick” in a cleavage revealing top or a fitted reproduction vintage Transformers Optimus Prime T-shirt with no cleavage showing?

To look at? Are they equally hot? Cleavage. I need to see the boobs. That robot is just covering up the boobies.

Do you think that orca that killed it’s trainer should be put down?

Nope. You mess with bull, you get the horns.

ELIAS KOTEAS!

Have a great weekend. And join the Facebook group if you haven’t.

Search: “Kristen Stewart wants it”. It’s pretty obvious shit.

I haven’t mentioned how much I loved watching the Steelers beat the Vikings, but I did. I’m actually still trying to digest it it was that wonderful. Like a perfectly grilled reuben sandwich. Steelers have a “bye week” this weekend, so I guess I won’t watch… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?! I watch all the games! Regardless of who is playing! Last year, I listened to more Buffalo Bills games on the radio than I think anyone ever including the guys calling the games. On the motherflipping radio! And the Bills suck! Seriously… I wish a football game was going on right now I could watch.

Today is supposed to be very busy at work. The actual work. The one that pays me in paper money and not compliments or hypothetical spy operations where I am “banged” and “found”, but not in that order.

So I will try to update if/when I have time.

Bend and Snap

Do guys really like the “bend and snap” move from Legally Blonde? First, I have never seen Legally Blonde. Oh shut the fuck up with your “OMG!”s or “WTF”s or “DHRSHNSLBTIJRETHIASGWHNRRTSTMA”s (Did he really say he never saw Legally Blonde, that is just ridiculous even though he is a straight guy who has no real reason to see that movie anyway)! How many times have you all seen Ravenous? HUNH!?! Tell me! I bet it’s less than 8 times. Probably less than 1 for most of you. Or how many times have you seen The Beat That My Heart Skipped? One of my favorite movies of all time! Some fans you are!

Anyway, thankfully youtube had the “bend and snap” scene and I did watch it. From what I gather, a girl (or gay man apparently, but for the purpose of this explanation I will focus on the girls even though I not-so-secretly think you want me to focus on the gay guys because it would be much crazier) bends over at the waist and then snaps back up to a posing position to get a man’s attention. Do guys like this? Let’s go step by step:

1. Bending over at the waist – if you are facing the guy then there is a chance of thee ole’ “down the shirt” shot for the guy. Guys like boobs as mentioned in many many many of these posts. So a clear view of them is good times all the time every time no matter if it is day or night time or in the nick of time or in the movie with Johnny Depp and Christopher Walked also called Nick of Time or Greenwich Mean time or The Land Before Time because when boobs are present it is always party time.

If you are facing away from the guy then he is getting a nice view of your ass. This has been mentioned a lot, but not as much as the boobs because cleavage shots seem to be more acceptable than a bent over shot, but dudes like chicks’ butts. I don’t think Homer,  Faulkner or Maya Angelou could have written any better explanation.

So as of right now, the “bend” is a big hit with guys regardless of angle.

2. Snap into position – As far as I could tell, the “position” that Reese Witherspoon believes women/gay men should “snap” into is back arched, chest out and head up. I’m pretty sure, remember I never re-read, about a minute ago I wrote guys love boobs. Is that right? Damn this faulty memory filled with Dolph Lundgren, not trivia, FACTS. Dolph Lundgren represented the USA in the modern pentathlon in the 1996 Olympics as well as made a movie called Pentathlon. So #2 gives guys another starring role in Boobs Watcher 2: Son of Boobs Watcher the Watcher of Boobs.

In essence, “bend and snap” is a two step process for girls to get a guy to stare at their bodies. Guys definitely like that. Another effective and even simpler two step process would be:

1. Stand infront of guy

2. Say these words loud and clearly – “Stare at my tits and ass”

I am a doctor and that would work.

Getting a guy’s attention is a lot less work than you would imagine. Getting a guy to be into going to the mall to shop, watching girly movies like Legally Blonde instead of epic films like Showdown in Little Tokyo, or not to love his favorite sports team more than you – well that falls under the “either date a straight guy and get over these unrealistic hang ups or start the process of convincing your gay best friend to sleep with you” life category.

Also, Kristen Stewart doesn’t need to do the “bend and snap” to get a guy’s attention. She wants it so bad that the rods and cones in our eyes begin to shake uncontrollably causing us to only see black in all directions except in hers. A bright shining light of vivid colors and a backdrop of gold illuminates a path to her where we are all drawn to walk along. Arriving at her feet we see a vertical halo appear around in each eye  focusing our gaze until a sudden flash blinds us. That last image seered into our memories. And when one questions what do we remember of the world when we had sight? We will take pen to paper and draw them Kristen Stewart’s visage in that glowing silhouette in perfect detail. They wil cry. We will cry. And we will be one under one banner. Crying.

E Pluribus Kristenus Stewartum.

SHE WANTS IT!

Did I answer your question?

I think I should be on Oprah or Ellen. Seriously, I’m a 26 year old straight guy writing comedy seemingly for women. Can’t one of you bring this up in the “women’s of the world” meeting you all have once a month via conference call. I think you all have covered the “overtime in any sport is not a good thing, but something that the guy should be punished for” clause. I think you all need to cover new material like “why isn’t Jordan on Oprah and/or Ellen?”

If you have other questions about guys, I’ll surely answer them.

I’m not sure how the “updates” will go, but as far as I can tell this has been well over 800 words which at one point was good enough for a full day’s post. I may update as the day goes. Like I said this is supposed to be a busy day and has been a little bit thus far. We’ll see.

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Update One and Done

1. Oh yeah, it is Halloween weekend. I don’t think I’m dressing up. But if any of you are and want to send me pictures of you dressed up in your costumes or out of your costumes that would be cool. I’m just saying I think it is the least you people can do.

Don’t worry I won’t post them on the site unless you want me to. I’ll just send the pictures to your local police claiming you are stalkers or kid touchers or haiku addicts. Something clever.

2. Right now, I’m passively rooting for the Philadelphia Phillies. And by “passively”, I mean that I didn’t watch a full baseball game all year and I could honestly give a flying fuck if the entire sport of baseball was cancelled in its entirety. I do hate the Yankees though. I don’t want to see them win, but it isn’t like Yankees fans are going to get more obnoxious if they win because I already believe all of them to be wildly irrelevant.

I was a fan of baseball back in the dizzie. My fascination with baseball was extreme when I was a child. I read a book which I can’t find called Baseball Shrine or something which was all about the MLB Hall of Fame. I must’ve read it a dozen times and memorized it. I used to love baseball players and write reports in school about them. I even remember that in my Jewish Sunday school I had to write two reports. Each one was supposed to be something concerning the history of the Jews. My first report was about Sandy Koufax and the second was about Hank Greenberg. Or vice versa. Either way. I did love baseball.

Then the 1994-1995 strike happened. I may have been 11 years old, but I became a very cynical and angry 11 year old. They fucked me and they fucked America with that strike. Ken Griffey Jr, Frank Thomas and Matt Williams were having stellar years. And Frank “The Big Hurt” Thomas (who I love/d) was on his way to maybe winning the Triple Crown (not the race). I haven’t given a shit about baseball since. 

I’ve had years where I’ve definitely watched more than others. But for the most part I don’t care and I don’t watch it. Plus it is boring as hell. Going to a game is fun. It is perfect that they call it a baseball “park” because it is exactly like going to a park. You lay around, drink, get some sun, and you lose track of time and the next thing you know it has been 18 hours. Baseball is boring. Look at the players on the bench in the dugout or the pitchers in the bullpen. Those guys are all half asleep if not completely asleep. People say football is boring and those people are 100% wrong. Check out the sideline of a football game. There 800 guys and they all looked like they are wired on coffee. 

Anyway, the gayest/greatest thing in baseball is when a player in the dugout decides to sit on the steps leading out of the dugout. They tuck their legs on the stair underneath their butt and they lean on an elbow or two onto the field. It is the gayest pose ever. Imagine they panned to the dugout in the middle of the game and A-Rod was blowing Jeter with his mouth (instead of his eyes and mind which he does all game) and, at the same time, Texiera was sitting in that pose on the steps. Instantly your first reaction would be “Wow look at how gay Texiera is! Who knew he was gay? Jeez, I never would’ve guessed he was gay, but look at how he is sitting. And wow, A-Rod really looks like he knows how to give great head. Good for him or should I say Jeter. He is really going to town on Jeter’s weenjack. Christ, I hope he doesn’t hurt himself or Jeter because that is the most enthusiastic blowjob I have ever witnessed. I wish my wife was that enthusiastic because lord knows she isn’t. I mean seriously does Jeter’s dick naturally sweat peanutbutter cup ice cream? Because from the way A-Rod is using tongue, that has got to be the tastiest penis ever. I’m just brainstorming, but if his pecker tastest like peanutbutter cup ice cream then his balls must taste like…. Pretzels! Nothing would be a better combination. No wait. Chocolate covered pretzels! Yeah? I love peanutbutter and chocolate too and then mix in the salt of pretzels. Yeah it is great. What inning is this? 4th? Are you kidding me!?! We’ve been here for 5 hours! Whew, I guess I should get another beer. All this talk about Derek Jeter’s ice cream flavored penis and pretzel flavored balls is making me thirsty. Really? No. None of that was gay. It was just factual. Let’s get a beer.”

THEEEEEEE ENNNNDDDDDD

Now I should be on Oprah  and Ellen. I figure after I get on those shows and I am rich and famous I can make those other bullet points about three-ways with celebrities a reality.

3. Guys hanging out naked in showers together is not cool.

Have a nice weekend.

 

 

 

 

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