Or the original title…

“If you’re going to be made fun of by Ricky Gervais, you may as well wear an expensive ass dress for the occasion.”

I did not watch the Golden Globes because they’re stupid. I tried to think of something clever, maybe even a metaphor or at the very least an SAT level word with multiple upon multiple syllables, but “stupid” is 100% too accurate. I don’t know why I ever thought the Golden Globes meant anything when I was younger. Probably because I was too stupid to realize how stupid these awards are. Who the hell is the Hollywood Foreign Press? Hollywood is not foreign and Foreigners have no say in what the citizens of America do. And the “press”? Isn’t the media the enemy? And aren’t foreign enemies “terrorists”?

Basically the Golden Globes are who the terrorists think should win best supporting actor for a made-for-TV miniseries. Oh yeah, I’m tuning in to watch that shit.

Nevertheless, there are a lot of chicas y mujeres who attend this event and when they do attend they get all gussied up like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman aka whores. Am. I. Right? Uhhh… Anyway, if you can’t see Photobucket at work or in the state penitentiary you currently reside in then my bad and for the rest of you… P-I-C-T-U-R-E-S!

Photobucket

Hailee Steinfeld from True Grit. I’m telling you, if you have a shot at this girl – fucking lock it up! Look at her in this dress. What are you 14 or 15? How many chicks do you know who dress like this? You’re fucking this up every second you are not asking this chick out! And by “this” I mean the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Did you see True Grit yet? That was fucking Matt Damon she was talking to. Matt Damon. You’re 14 so you probably don’t understand that movies get better than The Bourne Identity trilogy, but they do and either way Matt Damon is pretty bad ass. They don’t ask just anybody to read On The Road for the audio book. Or maybe they do. I don’t know. I don’t work in the audio book industry. I would like to, but it just hasn’t worked out that way yet. Either way, GET THE FUCK ON MARRYING HAILEE ALREADY!

Hailee should definitely be nominated for best actress. I’ll stop there because I hate the Oscars too. In my own crazy subjective mind, I’m just nominating people for an ongoing awards show that will never take place. And in it, Hailee Steinfeld is nominated for best actress for True Grit. Sadly, she loses to Natalie Portman in Black Swan, but Hailee does win “break out actress of the year” award, so that’s good.

Photobucket

This chick is from Glee and she looks hot. She looks hot in a way where she looks legal as opposed to any of the shots I have seen of her dressed as a cheerleader from Glee where she looks crazy jailbait hot. For a show that is designed for heterosexual ladies and homos, there are a lot of hot teens on the show and usually dressed as cheerleaders. I think I grabbed a pic of Lea Michelle somewhere along the line, but all the kids from Glee were there and they all looked great. The black one, the redhead, the gay one, the other gay one, the Asian, the gay one, and Jane Lynch. Lynch looked the best I think I have ever seen her in a dress. I also don’t think I have ever seen her in a dress. Jane Lynch and I stopped going to dress parties along time ago.

Photobucket

I appreciate the effort Megan Fox. I really do. I have absolutely no idea why you are anywhere near an awards show that does not also feature the words “Spike”, “Maxim” or “Best Makeout with Amanda Seyfried Award”. Is Megan Fox still making movies? Anyway, I like the pose. If she didn’t stand in this awkward manner then we would have no clue that there is an opening in her dress running from the floor up to her vagina and for that I say “God Bless You.”

Photobucket

Yeah, I like it. Not that I was ever hiding it, but I am definitely a card carrying member of the “Elisabeth Moss get exponentially more bangable every time I see her” Union… also known as “Elisabeth Moss is a lovely young woman… who is begging for it, am I right?” Union. Yes we are a Union and get discounts at local Pep Boys auto shops. Moss is showing off all the shoulders and arms in this picture. All of ’em. As we all learned from Clueless, guys seeing naked skin on a lady makes them think of sex. What girls may not know is that everything makes guys think of sex, but sure nudity helps in that area as well. Yeah, she looks excellent.

Photobucket

Not sure why J-Lo is at the Golden Globes, also I’m not sure why she looks so effin’ sad. What’s up, Lo? Do people still call her J-Lo? Do people still call her? Remember when her and Ben Affleck were the number 1 stars on the planet and the world hated them so much as a couple that the two of them literally destroyed their careers and have been fighting tooth and nail to get them back? I’m not digging this dress. I feel like this is a dress that an older actress would wear to show up she is still sexy past 60, but on J-Lo it looks like she is thoroughly depressed. Buck up, J-Lo. You’re on American Idol. You get to hang out with Ryan Seacrest and Steven Tyler all day… yeah you should just be depressed.

Photobucket

Did you guys notice my bow flower? You didn’t? It is near my left shoulder. Do you see it? Do you think it is too big? I’m not sure if I think it is big enough. I mean I can’t see out of my left eye because of how big it is now, but my left eye is totally overrated.

And/or…

I’ll do anything to distract people from staring at my tits nowadays. How would you like it if your breasts were the number 1 article for a span of 3 months in every major and non-major media outlet? Well, I know one person who would like that same attention…

Photobucket

BOOBS!

It’s ole’ Tits McGee over here.

Did anyone read that article about Eva Longoria being single and having BOOBS(!) because this just in both of those things are true.

What type of dress do you want? Long black with a belt… I just want my boobs to be on display like they’re the Hope Diamond.

Photobucket

And she’s not from the future? I really think you all are incredibly wrong about this. When… not if… when Angelina Jolie reveals that she has been cutting down on traveling costs going back and forth between Los Angeles, New Orleans, Africa, and Thailand by using her own superhuman ability of flight … I for one will not be shocked. And/or she uses a teleportation device that has yet to be invented and only exists in “her time”. Angelina Jolie also looks like she stepped out of a comic book and she is evil in that comic book.

Photobucket

Melissa Leo won for best supporting actress. I don’t remember who she was nominated against, but I could see her being awarded best supporting actress from a group of terrorists. Why not? Melissa Leo is good in The Fighter, but her character is kind of completely inconsequential in the movie because through all the shit that she puts Mark Wahlberg through everything kind of ends up fine and nothing is really made of her being dick to her own son. Whatevs… that movie was meh. She looks great though.

Photobucket

This is Leighton Meester. I mention this because you may also mistake Leighton Meester for a background character in Gone With The Wind. I’m not sure if you need to remind these young ladies, but there is a ticking clock on the sexiness of youth and you’re wasting it in a dress like this. Think about it this way, Minka Kelly was named sexiest chick alive by some magazine this past year and Leighton Meester was hired for The Roommate because she looks remarkably twin like to Minka Kelly, so if I did my calculations correctly then she should be wearing half as many clothes as she is now. At least half.

Photobucket

Bam! Green. Elisabeth Moss, Angelina Jolie and now Mila Kunis. I don’t know if any banks were robbed in the Los Angeles area over the weekend, but I would certainly watch a movie of the three of them in these dresses robbing banks. And cuddling. And showering. That’s the least Hollywood could do for me as I have sat through the horribleness of The Newton Boys and Public Enemies, which is oddly enough just as terrible as The Newton Boys. And Mila Kunis is single and I estimate by March she will be dating a male celebrity I literally hate.

Photobucket

Amy Adams is the fucking cutest. I was going to make jokes about she must go to the same bow flower designer as Christina Hendricks, but Amy Adams is too fucking cute. I’m not wishing for her death or anything, but when she does die the scientists of the world better snatch her body quickly because I’m pretty sure they’ll be able to find a rare element in every cell of her body called “Cutetine” with a periodic symbol of Aa and it will change the business of making things cute forever. Also she looks pretty fucking great in a pair of booty shorts and a black bra – thank you The Fighter.

Photobucket

Olivia Wilde y’all. I like it. It is definitely a different look for her and I didn’t recognize her at first, but I like it. I think she’s pulling this off really well. I feel like she is in one of those romantic comedy movies where the girl is in the dress maker’s shop and is trying on a dress and then she sees the guy of her dreams run by the window and she takes off running for him or something like that. I mean she looks good and her hair looks like it wasn’t ready to be in that dress, but I like it anyway. I don’t know, I like it.

Tron Legacy may have been the worst movie ever, but I like this looks you got there Olivia Cockburn. Yeah, that’s her real name. Get over it. Actually laugh for a few minutes and then get over it.

Photobucket

Whaddup. I’m 4’10” of Jewish jailbait and I’m wearing a 10 foot dress. Also, doesn’t Lea know that Breast Cancer Awareness month was October? How tacky. She looks good. It’s too much for me personally. To me it looks like a giant king size comforter that she wrapped around herself and she is dragging it around with her.

Photobucket

Looking good Julie Bowen. I just typed your name into Google to double-check the spelling of your name and the first words that populated after your name were “breast feeding”. That’s normal, right? Yahoo wasn’t too into this dress. I think it looks fine. I’m not into all the ruffles or dust clumps or whatever it is at the bottom of the dress, but she looks goods. The only real knock I have against the dress is that in no way shape or form are we able to see her amazing legs, which she put on full display on Conan a couple of weeks ago. I’m a big fan of Bowen. She looks like a classy lady. Why would you want me to make fun of a classy lady like Julie Bowen? What is wrong with you people? And by you people I mean the Vietnamese of course.

Photobucket

Natalie “Preggers” Portman. My initial reaction when seeing this picture was humming to myself “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison. And Natalie is the rose and the thorn is her unborn baby half-French baby gestating in that delicate tummy of hers. That guy was French, right? Whatever. It was a baby conceived on the set of a ballet movie, so the kid is at least a quarter French for just that. And jeez Natalie, put those shoulders away. Hasn’t sex gotten you into enough trouble already?

Just joking. I would raise that half/quarter French child with Natalie Portman in a heartbeat. She should definitely win best actress for Black Swan and no one should see No Strings Attached because it looks horrible.

Photobucket

This is the real Emma Stone or a wax statue of her? More than anything I believe that Emma Stone is playing the role of a silhouette in this picture. I don’t think I can see a definitive detail on her except the edge outline of her existence. It’s like someone photoshopped her into this picture with the magic lasso wand tool in MS-Paint.

Photobucket

Yeah, she’s still here. Milla Jovovich is killing it right here. She looks amazing. She may look the best out of everyone shown thus far in my opinion. Why she is at the awards show? No fucking clue. Was she invited? Probably not. Would someone stop her? I hope not. She’s great looking and she has been extensively training in fight choreography for what seems like at least a decade now. I bet that bony bitch can throw a fucking wicked spinning back elbow that would cut your damn eye out. Nevertheless, her hair looks great, her dress looks great and she wants IT. And isn’t that all that matters?

Photobucket

From the sneaky BOOBS collection comes Katey Sagal. I stopped watching Sons of Anarchy. I gave up on that show. I also gave up on Big Love. I stopped watching last season and then I caught the last 5 minutes of this season and I’m thoroughly over that show. I don’t know how many times I need to see those three wives arguing about the same nonsense over and over again and see Bill give the same speech over and over again about how he is trying to do his best. Anyway, Katey Sagal has some great cleavage going if you tilt your computer at the correct angle.

Photobucket

HOME WRECKER! Did everyone read about that? Julia Stiles and Michael C. Hall are together and she broke up his happy little marriage with that other girl from Dexter. Weird right? She looks pretty pleased with herself about it. Bitch. Am I right ladies? This dress is pretty dramatic. Black. She looks good I guess, but this was for the Golden Globes? I mean if Adolf Hitler threw a master race ball at the Eagle’s Nest surrounded by stolen paintings from the Louvre then this would be purrr-fect.

Photobucket

Boom. This is not that great of a picture, but Christina Aguilera was really sexing it up at the Golden Globes. I have seen a few references that she looked “Jessica Rabbit” – like and I see where those people are coming from. Either way, I think she looks pretty hot and I believe she grew up in Pittsburgh, so I’ll just assume she is a Pittsburgh Steelers fan and in doing so I am now in love with Christina Aguilera. Also, I know how to spell her name correctly without even looking it up on Google. So that’s a foundation for marriage, right? She still has all her pop-star money, right?

Photobucket

Come on. Seriously. Sometimes I feel like I’ve wasted the time I’ve spent of fantasizing about Michelle Williams when I see pictures like this. What’s the deal? This isn’t the first time either. This above female will be playing Marilyn Monroe in a movie. They didn’t cast her because she just looked whatever. Is she going to a hippie wedding after the awards show? Is it a hippie wedding of a girl who didn’t want Michelle Williams to up stage her, so she specifically told her not to look like a hot chick who could possibly look like Marilyn Monroe level of hotness?

Photobucket

Jennifer Love Hewitt, it’s a nice dress, but seriously? I would need to be in a helicopter to see your glorious cleavage. You have constructed a Berlin Wall between the wanting eyes of the world and your boobs. That wall looks more fortified than Helm’s Deep. What the fuck?

Photobucket

Fucking BOOM! January Jones got the fucking memo. The BOOBS memo.

Honestly who the fuck cares about the rest of this picture? You know you are only staring at her boobs for the first 15 minutes then maybe at her hair and then straight back at the boobs. I believe Jason Sudeikis had a hand in picking this dress out. Honey? Should I wear the blue dress with the ribbons or the red dress where my boobs like fucking enormous? The red one? You sure? Ok.

Photobucket

Yeah, that happened as well. Sofia Vergara knows how to wear a dress. Yes she is a comedian now, but there was a time where she was paid to wear dresses and just look fucking excellent in every outfit and position possible. Old habits die hard.

Photobucket

Wow. Worst. What in the fuck is going on here? Is Sandra Bullock playing at Lilith Fair? Is this why Scarlett Johansson dumped Ryan Reynolds because he is into this? I feel like her hair is an alien parasite sucking out her body’s lifeforce. I may be wrong about that, but that is my guy instinct. Kill it with fire usually works.

Photobucket

I love it. Black corset, micro skirt and see-thru window drapes – that’s a dress. Halle Berry will never not be great looking. Mark my words on that one. Seriously, what age is she? Because she has looked the exact same for the past 10 years at least.

Photobucket

Can you believe I’m wearing this? Heheheheh, me neither. Hahahahah. I’m so giddy that I’m wearing this. I really hope this dress is for some charity or was designed by a kid with a handicap because outside of that someone should check if Julieanne Moore can see correctly. I’m just saying cataracts can sneak up on anyone.

Photobucket

Hot. She looks like a doll. I don’t know if that is hot, I just know that is what it is. This is Barbie at the Golden Globes. Not much else to really say. Yahoo wasn’t impressed. Yahoo is lame.

Photobucket

We get it. You’re artsy. Now dress like a fucking human.

If it weren’t for Fight Club then I could completely do without Helena.

Photobucket

I’m still right with the 50 over 60 list.

If they ever do a James Bond in his retirement years then BLAM you have your Bond girl and dress right here.

Photobucket

Sarah Hyland from Modern Family is legal. I swear. She looks amazing per usual. And legal. Definitely legal. Let me check IMDB for a second one more time… and yes still legal. Yeah, she’s good looking and of an age of consent.

Photobucket

Lastly, Tina Fey because why the fuck not. Arguably the most talented of the women listed here and she looks great. Just a classy dress. Not trying too hard and looking like an idiot like some of these women. And at the same time, she looks great. She’s a classy lady.

And she writes funny dick and fart jokes. So really classy.

Today is Monday, so Happy Monday. It’s hot as balls out, so I’m staying inside with the central air on. I went outside, on this Monday, for two minutes and I felt like I was burning alive, so I won’t make that mistake twice.

There was a lot of television and glamor on that television last night. There was the EMMY AWARDS! I generally do not watch them or try to not watch any awards shows, but out of solidarity and boredom I watched the Emmys… or some of it. One thing I do like about the Emmys or any award show is Yahoo!’s wrap-up of “best dressed vs. worst dressed” photo galleries the following day. I know nothing about fashion, but at the same time I feel like these people know nothing about fashion, so we’re on an even playing field. It really comes down to “who looked good” and I am a judging man with time on his hands, and I’m also a judging man of others’ judging, so this is all perfect.

Yahoo! went above and beyond this time and did a list of 80+ best/worst, so I’m only grabbing a 1/4th or so. The rest of the list is:

http://awards.tv.yahoo.com/photos/140-2010-emmys-red-carpet-report-card

Let’s begin…

Photobucket

I’m starting with Lauren Graham because she is the only person I specifically remember thinking, “what is she wearing?” I like Lauren Graham. I like Lauren Graham as a comic actress, which can be proven by the obscene amount of Gilmore Girls episodes I watched. I blame Kevin Smith for me watching the Gilmore Girls. He used to rave about the show back when Kevin Smith was talented and back when I trusted his opinion on things. Now, if he told me to watch Community I would be leery of his advice and I already do watch and love Community. Also, I like Lauren Graham because she is good looking and we all know good looking people are better human beings, which is why we are even having these awards shows to begin with. Oh, look you are so pretty. Take this gold statue to commemorate your prettiness.

Anyway, Lauren’s face in this picture says to me, “Can you fucking believe what I’m wearing? It’s crazy, right? What the hell is this? It’s almost like they dressed me in this blind folded and then finally took the blind fold off right as I was walking onto the red carpet. Can’t run and hide now.”

Photobucket

Those big fucking juicy bouncy squeezable … uhhhh … somethings that are not what it is obvious what everyone is thinking. Christ, I love the country’s obsession with Christina Hendricks. Yeah, she is great on Mad Men. Yeah, she has a beautiful face and she knows how to use it or whatever cliche line. But those AHHHHHH are so amazing that our entire country is just like, “Well, we love boobs and she has the biggest ones, so she is our queen.” I’m seriously considering fist fighting her husband the instant I see him. I’ll make it proper like a duel. Slap him with a leather riding glove first. Then I’ll beat him to death and maybe, just maybe, she’ll see that I’m a superior caveman than the previous caveman she had because I just defeated him in a death fight and she’ll gladly come with me.

Photobucket

Fuck! She is gorgeous. I actually was dreaming about her before I woke up, went outside and burned, got a coffee, burned some more, and then began writing for you. I won’t lie – in the dream she was digging my stuff. I really think I had a chance with her. Why the fuck did I wake up!?! For some reason we were at school together. I have so many dreams where I’m still in school. Too many. But I really can’t complain considering Sophia was in this one. I loved this dream! And you all ruined it! Damn you!

Photobucket

Jane Lynch, yall. I think Yahoo gave her a B. I would’ve given her an A. I like it. I think she pulls off this dress well. She’s tall and this dress is tall. I can’t recall the last time I have ever seen Jane Lynch in a dress, so she’s looking great for her first time ever wearing a dress in my life. She also won an Emmy, which is definitely deserved. I don’t watch Glee, but I’ve seen some episodes and she does a great job. Also, politically she deserves an Emmy because she has been excellent in so many other projects that she should get an award for consistently stealing scenes in everything she is in.

Photobucket

Yahoo did not like this dress. Anna looks like Cleopatra in this dress. Or she looks like Anna Pacquin playing Cleopatra in this dress. She looks serious too. Serious like Cleopatra. I’m not anti this dress because I get it. I have heard “Pre-Christ Egyptian Royalty” is the new “in” fashion trend for 2011, so Anna is just ahead of the curve. Also, I sat through all this “17 minutes until True Blood” on the Emmys, but never got to see them. I guess they were on while Mad Men was on and I wasn’t missing Mad Men to find out which reality show I don’t watch was going to win best reality show.

Photobucket

Sarah Hyland from Modern Family. She looks amazing. This Sarah chick is hot. I know she plays a jail bait high schooler on Modern Family, but she is 20 years old in real life, so stop dialing the cops because I think she is hot. Now, if I posted a picture of Ariel Winter – her 12 year old co-star – then sure call the cops. But I thought ahead and didn’t post a picture of her even though I think you should look through the Yahoo series to see her in her dress because she looks completely different than she does on the TV show. Besides me tip toeing around so called “indecency” – I’m glad Modern Family won all the awards it did. They certainly deserve it. I was even more excited to see Aaron Paul and Bryan Cranston win for Breaking Bad, which is arguably the best television show on television.

Photobucket

I love Heidi Klum. She always looks great. And I don’t watch her show and I think I’ve talked about her on this site a bunch of times, so just soak in her glow.

Photobucket

I also love Kim Kardashian. I have never watched her show, nor do I ever want to. Nevertheless, I think she is beautiful and I’m glad she is always sunbathing in bikinis near photographers because it provides an untold amount of happiness for the rest of the world. I also would like to say that Yahoo gave her a B I think and clearly this is an A. At the same time, she could have shown up in jean shorts and a tuxedo t-shirt and I would give her an A.

Photobucket

Elisabeth Moss looking great. Also single. When I first saw this picture I thought that all of that open space to her left would normally be filled by creepy Fred Armisen and now she looks a 1000x better without that as her living accessory. Did anyone watch Mad Men? She got naked on the show. Yeah. The show isn’t on Cinemax, so we don’t get to see her naked as viewers, but it was cool nonetheless. She gets naked to prove a point. I fucking wish this was how random hot women in my life proved points. Oh, you think I’m wrong? I’m going to get naked in front of you. YES! Always do this! Always do this to prove that you’re right.

Photobucket

I’m a big fan of Alan Cumming. I’ve talked about that before I think or at least I wanted to mention that some other time earlier in this life. Take for granted I am a fan. Yahoo gave Alan a D. That’s ridiculous. What is the point for fashion? To look good, right? One way of calculating looking good is getting laid. It’s not the only way, but it is one way. If what you’re wearing doesn’t prevent you and sometimes helps you get laid then it is good fashion. And I would bet all the money left on my unemployment allotment that Alan Cumming got laid … several times … that night. I would also bet he made out with a straight woman, a straight woman who is hot and famous that night. Really, none of that is because of what he wore, but what he wore did not stop any of that occurring. Also, chicks love making out with gay guys.

Photobucket

BOOM! A+! I forget what Yahoo gave this chick from True Blood, but it wasn’t an A+. I forget her name… wait a second… IMDB search… Rutina Wesley. She looks amazing. She looks like a GD-ing superhero! She’s some sexy ass superhero who could punch a hole through a concrete wall and levitate and shoot fire balls from her well oiled calves. I have seen a few episodes of True Blood. I’m really not into the show even though I would like to be. It’s just too cheesy for me. Nevertheless, this chick is hot. Actually, all the chicks on that show are hot. There are some good looking men on the show too and I know that women love Eric. I get that. I get why they like Eric. I’m not blind. I get it. I really don’t get the Bill thing though. I get that Bill is the main love interest and all, but he looks like he has down syndrome half the time. And that sounds insensitive, but I’m just surprised that many women have a fetish towards the looks of a man who have down syndrome. There are plenty of men with down syndrome who would be more than willing to recite lines from True Blood as poorly as Bill does. Oh man, he is the worst actor on that show. To me he sounds like a man who is fighting back the urge to have violent diarrhea at all times. Like he understands the conversation he is in is important and he needs to have it, but soon as the dialogue stops he will sprint to a bathroom and demolish it with his wretchedness.

So, back to Rutina for a second. HOT. She has this really sexy sinewy body that looks like it should be perpetually rubbed down with glistening oils. And at the same time, she has this adorable naive face. I want to see her sonic boom Bill’s fucking head off.

Photobucket

The Hammster! And his hot wife. Damn it! I forgot her name. I think I’ve mentioned her as well before. Hot blonde wife who made a movie where she is a lesbian making out with a hot brunette throughout most of the movie. Best wife ever. Jon Hamm and Hugh Jackman must be related. They both play all balls men on screen and then off screen they are twinkle toes fairies. Why is that? I have no idea. Actually, my theory is they use so much of their testosterone to play these manly roles on screen that off screen all they have left is estrogen seeping into those gaps the testosterone is supposed to fill.

Also, Don Draper wears lifts. Did anyone watch Mad Men? Besides Elisabeth Moss getting nekkid, there were a couple scenes in a row where Don Draper was Manute Bol (RIP) tall. He towered like Gandalf over the hobbits in the show. It is quite the accusation to say that The Hammster is wearing lifts in his shoes to be Don Draper, but it is more of an accusation to imagine that the people at Mad Men strategically dig holes for the other characters to stand in when talking to Don Draper. Unless Jon Hamm’s wife is 6’8″ then Don Draper is wearing platforms.

Photobucket

Hot. I don’t know who she is and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen her before, but right now I want to have sex with her. That’s how a man’s brain works. It’s that simple. This unknown female’s dress reminds me of the high plains and days of cowboys. I just looked her up. She’s from Glee, so she can sing too. She’s also from Georgia, so this blonde southern belle look is even more appropriate. Also, I’m not The Situation and I won’t just get vodka and parliament ultra light cigarette drunk and dry hump her until she calls the cops or comes back to my shore house with me (although I do secretly wish that was life). I would be a gentleman and take her out to a mid-range eatery. Maybe a nice seafood dinner, maybe a stroll through the streets of New York City, maybe a play, and then maybe the drunk dry humping. You know – classy.

Photobucket

I fucking hate Kyra Sedgwick…’s show The Closer. Fuck it. I’ll never meet Kyra Sedgwick. I hate her. I hate her because she is the main character of a fucking terrible show and she is terrible as that main character and she wins awards and when she wins those awards she gives shit speeches that end with her calling Kevin Bacon “Kev” and quoting him as saying “let’s all be good to each other” as if he is the fucking Dali Lama. Fuck I hate The Closer. And if you’re sitting there thinking to yourself, “well Jordan and I could never get along and I should stop reading his blog because I like The Closer.” First of all, The Closer fucking sucks. Second of all, my parents watch The Closer and we still get along. I still call them and so forth. I mean every second of that show they watch I lose more respect for them, but I’ve told them that and they don’t seem to care because that is what The Closer has done to their brains. Also, they gave Kyra an A with this dress. Fuck that. Fuck that again. It looks like corduroy or shag carpet. Fuck I hate that show.

Photobucket

A+. A+ for both of them. A+ for them separately as well. Probably the funniest couple out there or at the very least at that awards show. They should be given an award for being crazy funny and not getting an award for it. Will Arnet should have gotten that award for guest star on a comedy show that NPH, Neal Patrick Harris, got. Will has appeared on 30 Rock a bazillion times more than NPH did on Glee. I should mention Amy Poehler as well. She looks great and her show is too funny. Parks and Recreations is criminally underrated. I would say their last season was funnier and better than The Office. And I’m pretty sure, Parks got pushed to mid-season replacement. Life is just not fair.

Photobucket

I love January Jones. I love her name and I love how beautiful her human body looks. Yahoo did not like this dress and I would like to agree with them if it weren’t for the fact that January Jones could look hot wearing anything. So fuck you Yahoo. She looks powerful. I feel like her vibrant blue dress may or may not be made of an alien substance like the Venom symbiote from the Spider Man comics. January Jones sounds like a superhero’s name, so she may have superhuman powers. I think we all know that the only way to settle this is if January Jones and Rutina from True Blood wrestle in a kiddy pool full of whip cream. I think that is the only sensible way to solve this.

Photobucket

Ty Burrell and his lucky ass wife. Yahoo did not like either of these people’s outfits and, again, fuck you Yahoo. Ty Burrell is more talented than all of the people at Yahoo cut and sewn together into a Frankenstein’s monster of not as talentedness. And his wife (Holly?), is a good woman who recognized a good man when she saw one.

Photobucket

Hot. I know she is the main chick from Glee. She looks amazing nowadays. She definitely started working out like a fiend once she started seeing herself on TV because now she looks like a fitness model. I thought she was sexy before, but now she’s got a Baywatch body. If we want to cure this obesity problem in America then just give fat people TV shows. All of them. Not reality shows, but shows with narrative and storylines and scripts. They’ll lose the weight quick. This girl didn’t need to lose weight, but after being on TV for a few weeks she clearly started getting into marathon running shape. Congratulations to her for getting into amazing shape, although she didn’t need to in my opinion.

Photobucket

Jesus! She’s not Jesus. I meant “Jesus” like “Fuck”, which is weird those exclamations are synonymous in my mind. Again, no idea who she is, but I want to do things to her that are not allowed to be shown on Two and a Half Men, but are liberally referenced in double entendre. This mysterious prettiness I would imagine could walk on water. Maybe not in that dress though. I would guess the dress weighs more than she does, so when nude I would bet she just kind of hovers above the ground including water. I have a feeling she doesn’t communicate in an audible language. She more or less communicates with an ancient form of telepathy that was how we all communicated prior to learning to speak. Her tiny bones and muscles are too weak to inhale and exhale and move in succession to form the sounds necessary that we perceive as talking. It is more in her eyes and subtle smiles. Also, you do not touch her; she touches you.

Photobucket

KILLER! I love these two. I have never seen a picture of Neal Patrick Harris and his Ken doll fuck doll boy friend that I wasn’t a fan of. The two of them look perfect together. Was it a huge surprise to find out that Neal Patrick Harris and/or Doogie Howser was gay? No. Not that big of a deal. Was it a huge surprise that Neal Patrick Harris and/or Doogie Howser would be Abercrombie & Fitch gay? Yes. This pose is like “Boom! We do it.” They look like gay comic book heroes. They are a living “Ambiguously Gay Duo” except it ain’t “Ambiguous”. It’s a brash gayness I can root for. People nowadays want to have that balls confidence in a suit the way the characters on Mad Men do, but no one really pulls it off in real life. These two do and they do it together and they do each other. It is like they are harnessing their superiority in suits in their gay coupleness. Like the Green Lantern. He had a power ring. But there were other power rings out there. And Green Lantern eventually got all the power rings and in doing so it multiplied his powers into being a God. So, that’s what genius doctor boy Doogie Howser has become in his open gay lifestyle wearing suits with this other guy who may or may not have been genetically engineered in a lab as NPH’s perfect Robin companion.

And I’m spent.

%d bloggers like this: