It is so early! Did anyone know the world even existed this early in the morning? This may sound a little conceited or egotistical or solipsistic, but I was pretty sure that everything in the world closed when I went to sleep. Technically, I’m sleep walking/typing right now because of how ungodly early it is and Dunkin’ Donuts was still somehow open. God bless those poor sons of bitches that made me a large coffee, bacon/egg white/cheese wrap, hash browns and, I finally caved, a PUMPKIN MUFFIN!

I am saving that muffin to eat in a couple hours. I’m hoping *fingers crossed* that the pumpkin will act as a sort of …. Cocaine … to keep me awake. I’m so effin’ tired. I may try to snort the muffin threw a rolled up Hamilton. That would be such a waste though. It is so big and sticky and sweet and I just want to wrap my hands around the base of it and shove the big head of it in my mouth. Pumpkin muffins, that’s what she said.

So today is supposedly “aggressive Thursday”, which has to be the dumbest blog promotion of all time. And today, I’m not sure how aggressive I am. I am really sweepy (not a typo). I just need rest! If I’m aggressive about anything it is that I’m so fucking tired. Also, I didn’t receive any bikini pictures yesterday. I’m pretty pissed about that.

There are several topics I feel like touching upon. Actually screw that. I’m too tired to “touch upon”. Maybe I can just lie upon these topics and after a couple minutes fall asleep on top of these topics or at least next to them. Maybe the topics can just touch upon me as I sleep. I’ll sign some statement saying it was consensual. I won’t claim rape on you topics. I don’t know how much longer my limbs will be active. My brain has stopped sending signals to my legs, so my arms cannot be too far behind. So I’ll just nap next to these topics. I’m losing all my energy now just imagining if I was asleep. I can’t control my jaw anymore. It is just hanging open and my tongue is just hanging out along with it. Maybe I’ll just lick these topics.

There are several topics I feel like licking upon today, so let’s get ‘er done!

Haikus

You fucking bastards!!!!!!

T’WAS Haikus killed my PArents!!!!!!

I NEVER FORGET!!!!!!!

Where are you going KSWI Jordan?

I’m taking a jet plane to the mythical land of milk and honey and smog: Los Angeles. This will not be my first time in LA and, most likely, not my last. I actually lived in Los Angeles for a little bit and I’ve visited there on half a dozen occasions. I will be attending a special gala of sorts. It is an event of the utmost glamour and sophistication. Some would say it will be as intellectually stimulating as a fantastical meeting at the acropolis with Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Ptolemy, Julius Caesar, Augustus, Alexander the Great, Genghis Khan, Marco Polo, Sun Tzu, Leonardo da Vinci, Leo Tolstoy, Thomas Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt, Jim Jarmusch, Michael Irvin, John Fogerty et cetera and me. Of course, I am referring to UFC 104: Lyoto Machida vs. Mauricio Rua.

CAGE FIGHTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have mentioned before my love of all things mixed, martialed, and artsed. I will be attending this event to watch the raucous octagonal fisticuffs as well as some other activities on the left coast. This is why there will be no posts on tomorrow and Monday or maybe very small posts. I feel it necessary to at least show you the men who are causing your duress. Wer ist Machida? Qui est Rua? De donde es la biblioteca?

Light-Heavyweight Championship (205 pounds) – Lyoto Machida (c) vs. Mauricio Rua

The Challenger:

Mauricio “Shogun” Rua is good looking.

That’s why you all should care. If I had to say, actually, I don’t have to say anything – I want to say it. I say that Roger Huerta and Mauricio Rua are the two best looking guys in Mixed Martial Arts. Not only are they good looking, but they are great fighters which makes it a lot less awkward for me being a fan of both of them. “Shogun” is one of my favorite fighters. He is wildly exciting, he can be brutally violent and when he smiles it makes my heart flutter.
 

Hypothetically, if someone asked me how I think Mauricio Rua’s day-to-day life should be when he is not training for a fight I would paint them this picture. I think “Shogun” has sex with multiple women at a time on top of a giant bed purely comprised of women he has already had sex with. That’s how good looking of a man I believe “Shogun” is. I’m just saying.

The Champion:

Lyoto “The Dragon” Machida drinks his own piss.

That’s why you all should care. Lyoto is also one of the most amazing fighters ever. He is undefeated, he has never looked like he was losing any fight, he is fast as lightning and he is a strategic mastermind. It is really hard to imagine him losing. He picks apart his opponents like a game of chess. He is an enigma in both style and in ability. And as mentioned and shown, he drinks his own piss. That picture is of Lyoto and his father with what I’m guessing is warm glasses of their own urine.

Urine therapy is surprisingly more popular than you would think. Although I’m assuming you assume most people don’t drink their own urine. Yes, “urine therapy” is a classy ass term for drinking your own tinkle, pee pee, golden residue. It is not massaging urine into your skin, taking urine baths, or talking about your inner most feelings to a big bowl of your piss. But for a person who does drink the stuff, I couldn’t imagine that other nonsense would be too far behind. I really don’t care about whether urine therapy works or not, my question is what do the chicks think?

Most decisions a guy makes in life revolve around whether or not this affects me getting laid. What about urine therapy? Would a chick hook-up with a guy who drinks his own urine? I mean Lyoto is a phenomenal fighter, in amazing shape, the pride of the fighting world, a champion in his own weight class, he is making more money each and every fight, but his breath may stink of asparagus penis water. So who would do a guy who drinks his own piss? And better yet, how nuts are the girls who would? Who is crazier?

Don’t You Dare Call It “Frisco”

I will be in California, but no where near San Francisco, but I really want to talk about something that involves San Francisco. If only I had a blog that let me talk about anything I want no matter how off topic it is. Oh wait. I do have a blog. A bunch of ladies read it for no apparent reason every day even though I write about nothing that interests them. What a coup!?!

If/when I become the Emperor of the United States, did you know I would be the second?

Joshua Norton the very first. He was the first self proclaimed Emperor of the United States. What a fabulously true individual. Born in England and moved to the US in the late 1840’s, Joshua Norton was batshit insane. How lovely? Norton wasn’t always coo coo bananas. At one time he was a “business man”. But he made some bad investments in Peruvian rice and we all know how that inevitably turns out. Ker-ay-zee.

 

In 1859, Norton declared himself the Emperor of the United States. He sent letters to the local newspapers with this decree. At the time, he was a typical mentally unstable vagrant of the San Francisco bay community. But he had vision and apparently the title of Emperor. And he took the position remarkably serious. And so did the people of San Francisco.

The amazing thing is that the people of San Francisco loved Norton. Seriously, why wouldn’t you? But this is a strange world so it isn’t guaranteed what people will or will not like. They loved Norton though. He was the bestest crazy local celebrity. He was given that uniform by an American Army post. He would wear it around San Francisco inspecting the city. Cable cars, streets, the police officers. He would write decrees about what should be done in local politics or how the United States Congress should be taken by force. Some of his decrees were more lucid and talked of building a bridge to connect Oakland and San Francisco which did in fact get built. Norton was also well known for public speeches or at least ranting in the streets to anyone who would listen.

He also developed his own form of currency which people accepted. Pretty much everyone just let him do what he wanted. He ate for free, people gave him clothes and so forth. He also was a forward thinker about race and ethnicity. He believed in the integration of the burgeoning Asian population in San Francisco and later would add the title of “Protector of Mexico” to being the Emperor. He was even immortalized in literature as the inspiration for “The King” in Mark Twain’s Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. I know that one, but I just read that Robert Louis Stevenson also wrote about him and so did his stepdaughter. So that’s cool.

In 1880, Emperor Norton died literally on the streets of San Francisco. He collapsed on his way to giving a lecture. There are many rumors surrounding who Norton actually was. Some rumors mention royal lineage to foreign countries and unimaginable wealth. But he died a poor man and at first was going to be given a poor man’s funeral. A local businessman’s club raised money for a proper funeral for our first and only Emperor. Apparently, upwards of 30,000 people lined the streets to pay respect. And his grave to this day is marked “Norton I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico”.  

I can’t give my teachers credit for me knowing any of that. All credit goes to Neil Gaiman and his genius graphic novel The Sandman and, of course, the interwebz.

Other People Are Funny

http://www.life.com/image/91028027/in-gallery/34282/jessica-alba-is-bored

I had mentioned before that I wanted to do an article on how Jessica Alba wants IT… sometimes, but her ass wants it all the time. Life magazine didn’t do that article, but their “Jessica Alba is bored” article is pretty funny.

It’s so true. In photoshoots, she looks hot and wants it because she is supposed to – that’s what she is getting paid to do. But most of the time Alba looks completely unenthusiastic. That’s the whole point of KSWI, I can’t find any moments even for a split second where Kristen Stewart doesn’t look like she wants it.

I could lie to you. I could only cherry pick images of people wanting it, but at some point that game would end. People would start flooding the comments section and my email box not with witty haikus or telling me they want to fuck me or bikini pictures. It would be pictures of that person not wanting it. That can’t happen with Kristen Stewart. She just wants it. All the time. Every time. We’re all here to laugh, but it is the damn truth! Kristen Stewart wants IT.

Kristen Stewart wants it like a great ball of fire that engulfs the world into a raging inferno of catastrophic proportions that incinerates the walls of your office and stops inches from your face and lowers its temperature not to burn you, but just to keep you a little warm and then you reach out and grab a handful of it and it is soft to the touch like a big comforter and you pull yourself onto it and wrap the excess of it around you like a cocoon and you sleep. Oh God, I want sleep.

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