Is it weird that the laziest part of my writing process is filling in the “tags” section? YOU-JEE-AY-CH-UH. I finish writing some 2000 words of gibberish and then I have to write another 20 words. Oh crapes! It is too much I tell you, just too fucking much. Tags “Kristen Stewart wants it”, “Kristen Stewart”, “wants it”, “dinosaurs”, “Martin Luther King, Sr.”, “Euripides”, “propeller planes”, “Twilight”, “Pepto Bismol”, “Marc Bulger”. Seriously, isn’t there a way that WordPress could just key in on heavily repeated words and take a wild guess with all its brainy computer software that that might be an appropriate “tag”? Who the hell am I kidding? WordPress sucks. Roast time!

WordPress’ software is so old Jesus owes it a dollar! WordPress’ software is so stupid it took it 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes! WordPress’ software is so ugly they had to tie a steak around its neck to get the dogs to play with it! WordPress’ software is so fat it went to the movies and sat next to everyone!

Now for the techies…

WordPress’ software is so old Timothy Berners-Lee coded it! WordPress’ software is so stupid it could trip over a wireless connection! WordPress’ software is so ugly even in WQXGA/2560×1600/16:10 aspect ratio it is still fucking ugly! WordPress’ software is so fat I need two TWO monitors to see it all!

Honestly, I should be allowed to stop the post right there. I think I deserve a pat on the back or inner thigh for something that clever. “Yo mama jokes” about WordPress and then the nerd versions of them. Come on! You’re not reading this shit anywhere else on the webz. And it is on fucking Kristen Stewart site. Frustration isn’t the word, but it is damn close.

I had an epiphany this morning that I think no other man on Earth has ever had: I want to hear what a woman has to say.


Craziness, right? Only in America folks! That woman in particular is Kristen Stewart. Well I don’t really want to “hear” what she has to say as much as I can’t hear what she has to say because my work computer that I’m writing on has no sound card, as mentioned one billion times before. Stephen Hawking makes more noise than this computer. So I want to read what Kristen Stewart has to say.

You may have noticed I talk a lot about what Kristen Stewart looks like, what she may be thinking and her wanting it so fucking much that I fear that it will cause a second gravitational force to pull in asteroids, the Moon and nearby planets to dive bomb the Earth. But I have not written in awhile about the words that literally come out of Kristen’s mouth instead of the word’s I imagine come out of her mouth.

I did read that Interview Magazine article, but good Jeepus it is long. It took me longer to read that article than it took Lu Chao to recite the 67,890th decimal place of Pi. Zing! So, I took a short cut and typed “Kristen Stewart quotes” into Les Googles and I got a result that was fascinating to say the least. Fascinating like blah blah blah blah blah blah Jonas Salk! Wowzers!

What I learned from these classic K-Stew quotes, is that the two of us have a lot more in common upstairs than one would imagine myself (a 26 year old, Jesuit educated Philosophy major, who doesn’t have a drinking “problem”, but a drinking “solution” (keep drinking until you forget about the problem), who thinks Bill Cowher should be canonized, who thinks Phil Anselmo’s scream at the beginning of Great Southern Trendkill is one of the greatest achievements of man, and who has spent somewhere around 200 hours of his life playing Final Fantasy VII and maybe shed a tear or 1200 when Aeris was killed by Sephiroth. SEPHIROTH!) and Kristen Stewart (a 19 year old, fanciful forest elf/human who was bestowed the powers of the Gods to combat the ancient evils of the underworld) would have. Take it away Kristen:

Kristen: (about “Twilight” co-star Robert Pattinson and his female fans) They covet Rob. I think half of them are so jealous that they hate me. Girls are scary. Big groups of girls scare the crap out of me.

There is so much truth in this quote I want to yell it from the top of the Shinra building at the center of Midgar! Ahhhh… kill me. Anyway, what Kristen is alluding to an age-old dilemma of “bitches hatin’ bitches”. This has been discussed on many occasions in my life with Dawgz. Derived from the Latin “bitchius hatinius bitchae”, this phenomenon is experienced in all parts of the world.

The premise: if 2 or more women are present then they hate each other. This hate is only exponentially worse when there are more women and if a male is present.

Kristen is in the worst situation of “bitches hatin’ bitches” because she is one girl versus seemingly millions who are all focusing their hatin’ on Kristen because she is with Rob. These women who want Rob and are hatin’ on Kristen have formed the intellectual decompositionist identity against Kristen known as “She think she cute”. This is very hard for Kristen to overcome because once a woman believes that another woman “thinks she cute” she is treated as a hostile combatant until she shows great humility to the female wolf pack.

I agree Kristen. Girls are scary. I fear for Kristen’s safety against the swelling numbers of crazed Rob fans and the burgeoning Taylor fans. She is in the crosshairs of a lot of unstable women who have shrieking powers that when amassed into a Voltron-like capacity in the stands at a red carpet at maybe a teen choice awards could cause such a sonic blast that would be able to blow a hole through concrete. There is a secondary attack in which all the generally rogue women of the world will form as one moving cerebral sexual unit to lure the man away from the woman.

Thankfully, Kristen Stewart has the want. Kristen Stewart’s want is equally powerful in her ability to push and pull. She can use her want to not only counterattack a sonic screech blast from a gaggle of tweens who have discovered “love” in the form of drunken unwashed Rob, but she can use her want to continue to keep hold onto Rob’s inebriated affection.

Kristen (on her favourite designer): Oh, I don’t know­. Anything that’s beat up. I kind of like to look like a hobo.

Excellent. I too like to dress like a hobo. That is, of course, when I’m not forced to dress in suits. I find that I have two looks: 1. suit and 2. dirty clothes. It is an incredible disparity between what I look like at work and what I look like 5 minutes after I walk in the door from work. Immediately to my room I go, off with the suit (ladies) and on with athletic shorts (perfect to lay around in) and an old t-shirt. It is getting colder so sweat pants counteract that well with a sweatshirt or knit shirt that has sleeves that are too long.

Kristen (on wearing pajamas for so long while filming the movie “Panic Room”): Wearing pajamas for four months was weird, but very comfortable.

I know exactly what she means, but that four months of my life wasn’t called Panic Room. It was called “fall semester of freshman year of college”. Followed by “spring semester of freshman year of college”.

Kristen (on how she started acting): I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn’t want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn’t have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It’s funny because I’d always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn’t think that I would be in the movies.

Our lives are nearly identical. When I was in 7th grade, I acted in a play and I didn’t want to either. It was the Mikado (which I think is pronounced “me-kah-doo”, just a guess) and I played a sort of pivotal role called the MIKADO! Are you fucking kidding me!?! Seriously. It gets better. “Chorus” was mandatory and everyone in “Chorus” had to be in the play. I didn’t want to be in “Chorus” or a play. I’m in 7th grade and I don’t want to memorize the role of the Mikado so I gladly nominate myself to be the Mikado understudy because there was an idiot kid who actually really wanted to play the Mikado. So I thought I was all set just sleeping in class while everyone went around fagging it up in some play, am I right? But how does an understudy of a play in the titular role for a one time performance end up in the performance?

That fucking kid gets so worked up about stage fright that he throws up the whole night before the show and doesn’t show up to school the next day. I hate that fucking kid! So, I get a call telling me guess what? I have to star in the play that I have looked at the script for in the two months or so they’ve been practicing.

Skip to that night. I’m on stage dressed up as the greatest Chinese stereotype with my script in hand while the rest of the morons are running around saying their memorized lines because they were all the kids who wanted to be in the play and they had been rehearsing. I refuse to see the Mikado still to this day because of that night, but all I remember is standing front and center throughout almost the entire thing with the lights shining such a bright white hole into my retinas that I think my natural color balance is still fucked to this day.

There wasn’t a talent scout in the audience that saw me and then thought I should be in the movies. Instead there was my dad who was videotaping it because my mom was busy for the one time in her life to miss this ridiculous experiment. That night before my mom came home, my dad and I taped Arnold Schwarzenegger’s classic True Lies over my Mikado performance thinking we were taping over the blank half of the VHS tape. All true.

These are some great and profound quotes from Kristen, but how do her quotes stack up against one of the greatest quotists of all times: George Bernard Shaw?

“People always get tired of one another. I grow tired of myself whenever I am left alone for ten minutes, and I am certain that I am fonder of myself than anyone can be of another person.”

BORING! I’m bored already.

“Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.”

True. The U-S-A is the best, but heard it before. Got any new original ideas Bernie?

“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”

Yuck. Tell it to the judge, am I right? Say it, don’t spray it! Am I right? Am I left?

“The secret to success is to offend the greatest number of people”

This I agree with up until the point where I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life in a mansion full of money and just buying people to entertain me and then sending them away when I’m finished… on second thought that sounds just about perfect! Thanks Georgie.

But I can’t leave off with a slightly stimulating Shaw selection.

Kristen (on pursing acting as a career): I’d like to. But that’s definitely not all I want to do. It’s not the most intellectually stimulating thing that you can possibly do. I want to go to college. I’m going to take four years off. I don’t want to miss that. I want to be a writer. I think that’d be awesome.

Oh naïve Kristen Stewart. College is just an excuse to get crazy drunk and have promiscuous sex with young people while having no responsibilities and acting like an arrogant prick thinking you know all the answers to life’s political/philosophical/religious questions because you took the first round of general requirement classes. Kristen you can do all that and probably do all of that already being an actor. It is pretty similar.

And being a writer? That ain’t awesome. Trust me.

Plus you have a gift to want like no other. Don’t ruin that by going to college. Only those trust fund schmucks, scholarship nerds and steroid injected meathead jocks would be able to bathe in the glow of your want. As an actress we all can sharity in your want charity.

So fuck college. Just make a movie about being in college. That’s probably the same thing at this point anyway. They may even give you an honorary diploma for it.

%d bloggers like this: