Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to all yous people out there who were born this very day! And to all of yous who are celebrating “half-birthdays”, I have a special message for you: grow the fuck up. This world is cold and heartless and never takes a moment to even stop and reflect on any truly wonderful or horrible things that happen, so trying to smuggle time away from the madness for a non-existent moment of rejoice like the 6 month anniversary in between your yearly birth anniversary is in a word: immature. Just accept the endless solitude that life has offered us without making a fool of yourselves more times a year than are necessary.

With that being said, please prepare all gifts and cake because it is my Half-Birthday just over a month away! Get yo’ shit together for it!

Anyway, enough about you imaginary motherfuckers trying to steal the spotlight from someone who was actually born on this day.

I went to the IMDB and they have a list of the hundreds of people who were born on each and every day. These people are actors, directors, producers, grips, best boys and everyone else who has helped work on a movie, TV show or anything else entertainment. But they cannot just vomit these birthdays out onto the internet. The IMDB has kindly listed these people in a real time popularity order as it should be.

I looked at this list and my question was – who the fuck are these people? It is great that it is their birthday and all, but, again, who the fuck are these people and why are they more popular than some other people? I have grabbed a big chunk of the list and I will try to figure out who some of these people are or why you should care it is their birthday or maybe I’ll just say something sarcastic about them because I tend to do that. The list changes all the time on the site, so it may have shifted some when you decide to go look at it for yourself to verify my post as I’m sure many of you do immediately after you are done reading.

Nevertheless… HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the following…

1. Matthew McConaughey

I have heard of this dude. As mentioned, I have gone through this list already and Mr. McConaughey should be at the top of this list. There are others on the list that have done more in the film industry, done better in the film industry, and have simply accomplished a lot more in life — but the man is good looking. He is good looking and has that Southern charm that talks girls out of their panties, talks people into voting Republican and has kept him in an acting career. Matt wasn’t in a movie in 2010, but he did just have an excellent cameo appearance on Eastbound & Down. According to IMDB, if you are making a movie in 2011 then it may come as a shock to you, but Matthew McConaughey is in it. Matt hasn’t been in too many movies that I have liked, but that is mostly because he is in a lot of “rom coms”. But I do think he has the ability to bring it given the right cast/crew. Why am I rooting for this guy to get in a good movie? He has lived a more enjoyable life than I have or ever will by 1,000,000 fold. He had sex Penelope Cruz, lived in Australia, partied with Woody Harrelson, named “sexiest man alive” and gave Barbara Walters a foot rub. At best, I may get to visit Australia at some point in my life. And he has done much much more than that. Happy Birthday you naked bongo playing bastard!

2. Ralph Macchio

Yep. Yeeeeeeeeeeeepppp-puh. I’m not saying that Ralph Macchio is still famous enough or has done anything since Karate Kid 3, but I’m not not saying that Karate Kid 1, 2, and 3 doesn’t warrant this position always. Got that? This is a popularity contest in regards to their pages being clicked on or searched for – this makes sense. I mean I’m sure that every hour of every day, there is someone out there watching at least one of the Karate Kid movies and thinks to themselves – what the fuck is Ralph Macchio up to? And then they search his page to see if he is dead or if he has worked in the past 15 years. Also, they most likely are searching to see if he had sex with Elisabeth Shue back when she was young. Honestly, the top of Ralph Macchio’s IMDB page should have in big bold lettering: DOESN’T KNOW MARTIAL ARTS and HAD SEX WITH ELISABETH SHUE.

The first Karate Kid is still unquestionably one of the greatest pieces of art ever crafted by mortal hands. The second Karate Kid is a wild tale that may or may not make less sense than the plot to either Transformers movies featuring Shia La Beouf. The third Karate Kid is dark and scary and sadly not on TV enough.

I’m just saying – Mr. Miyagi tells us that if performed correctly the Crane Kick is unstoppable in the first Karate Kid, but in the second Karate Kid the Crane Kick does not stop the random Asian gang boy he is fighting to the death on that island. So did Daniel-san not perform the Crane Kick correctly or was Mr. Miyagi wrong? Take that debate to your grave, sucka. Happy Birthday you karate kicking JD Salinger!

3. Doris Roberts

Ok? Doris Roberts has been in a lot of great movies and TV shows over the years, so there is a level of credibility that lends itself to #3 on this list. But really? My only gripe is that on the list they have Christmas Vacation under her name to signify what you may remember her from most. Christmas Vacation? Are you shitting me? What about Everybody Loves Raymond!?! I like Christmas Vacation and all, but Everybody Loves Raymond was one of the most popular television shows ever. EVER! Happy Birthday old woman!

4. Gillian Zinser

No clue. She’s cute. She’s a blonde. She’s on 90210. The new one? The old one? In that picture she is wearing almost a fedora, so it could be the old one. Well, she is 2 years younger than me, so it is the new one. Do people watch this show? I call wild shenanigans that this girl is famous at all. Happy Birthday to you good looking blonde who I think may be a prank from IMDB to screw up my post on their list!

5. Jean-Luc Bilodeau

What? Lies! LIES! I’m not saying it isn’t this guy’s birthday, but #5 most popular person to have a birthday today is this guy?! That is crazy talk. CRAZY TALK! Happy Birthday, but there is no fucking way you are more famous than…

6. Sean “P. Diddy” Combs

HELLZ YEAH! FINALLY! Finally! I still call the motherfucker Puff Daddy. I don’t care about Puffy or P. Diddy or Diddy. The man is Puff Daddy. I really don’t know what to say about Puff Daddy outside I love him. There I said it. I love him. Ok? He ran the New York City marathon for the kids. He had a mohawk. He dances like he has epilepsy. He makes fashionable clothes. He had something to do with making the beat for “Bad Boyz 4 Life” which sticks in my head for weeks at a time and puts a swagger in my step. He made a cologne that I used to wear, which made my nostrils dance to the sweet smell of sex and champagne. And basically he’s a crazy black man who I respect due to his creativity and I wish I was apart of it. Happy Birthday kind sir.

7. Ken Kirzinger

Don’t fucking know. Nor do you. He was apart of the “stunts” for the movie Watchmen and he is #7 on this fucking list? I will mark Ken as the beginning of the “This person must be famous on Twitter or something” aspect of this IMDB list. There are some random people in the world who are not famous, but do have fans and have gone above and beyond the call of duty to connect with those fans and that has some garnered them more under the radar fame. I guess I can relate considering I’m offering free tours around the borough of Manhattan. Happy Birthday guy.

8. Kiersten Warren

Well, well, well, we meet again. Kiersten and I were lovers. And by “lovers” I mean I’ve seen Independence Day a ton of times and I read that she was in Independence Day a second ago because I had no clue who she was and I remember in Independence Day, so if that means we are lovers then there you go. She’s also been in other stuff that sadly I have seen *cough-13 Going On 30-cough* and her IMDB picture seems to suggest that if the picture was inch longer there would be some side boob action. Good for you Kiersten. Happy Birthday, I have seen Independence Day at least 20 times.

*sidenote: do you know the trick to remembering if it was Bill Paxton or Bill Pullman as the President in Independence Day? You start by looking it up on IMDB and seeing it was Bill Pullman and then you FUCKING REMEMBER IT because he gave the greatest speech a President has ever given ever. I would go to fight an alien war this minute if Bill Pullman was leading the charge.

9. Justine Waddell

No idea. No idea what The Fall is either. I’m chalking this up as an error by the internet. Happy Birthday clerical error.

10. Denis Simpson

No. No. No. It lists Denis as being an actor from Polka Dot Door. Come on people! Polka Dot Door? I refuse to believe that there is a movie called Polka Dot Door and that people are searching for it on IMDB. Denis doesn’t even have a picture next to his name. I believe that Denis simply searches Polka Dot Door and clicks on his own page, which he created by buying an IMDB Pro account and that is how this travesty happened. Happy Birthday, cheater!

11. Loretta Swift

I didn’t recognize the name, but the picture they had next to her looked like it was from MASH. I have never heard of the movie The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, but I’m taking a guess MASH was a bigger deal. Just a guess. Also, I chose Loretta because she is from Passaic, New Jersey! What what in the butt butt. Am I right? Her family was from Poland and they moved to America and I’m guessing they got to New Jersey and were like, “yeah, it ain’t gettin’ better than this.” Because it isn’t. Happy Birthday, Garden State!

13. Darcy Rose Byrnes

I’m going to start skipping around because seriously I have no clue who most of these people are. I chose Darcy over here because she is/was on a particular television day time soap opera called The Young & The Restless, which I know a ridiculous amount about. My mother has felt the need to torture me through out my childhood and into adulthood by watching this television show. I have always been the conspiracy theorist that my Mom does not watch this show when I’m around and only specifically tunes in if I am. I have spent many sick days from school or lazy days of summer soaking in the sordid tales the people of Genoa City, Wisconsin. That’s fucking right! Those people are from Wisconsin! WISCONSIN! Did that just blow your fucking mind?! Because you should tune in to watch an episode of this show and just be blown away that this is supposedly how people conduct themselves in WISCONSIN!

I’ve never been to Wisconsin, but I know that they live simple lives that focus around one and one thing only – the Green Bay Packers.

Happy Birthday, I won’t blame you for the pain Y&R has caused me, but you’ve been apart of it.

16. Kathy Griffin

Ugh. No. Happy Birthday – aren’t you supposed to be not famous?

17. Alexz Johnson

She is a good looking gal, I’ll give her that. I’m sure her name “Alexz” is misspelled by every person who attempts to spell it. “Z”? Seriously? I’ll let you pass. You all know my feeling about the good looking people of the world. Happy Birthday, Alexzyzyxxwyzxiozxxz.

22. Gig Young

I’m a fan of the name. “Gig” definitely has some personality. It says good ole’ Gig was in the movie They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?, which is a wild and ridiculous movie. Also, I love the title. I’m not sure if people see that title and think “western” because I always do. Nevertheless, Jane Fonda + a dance marathon. Happy Birthday, Gig.

25. Gary Stretch

Also, a great name. Gary Stretch. I bet this guy got a lot of ass in his day just for the name. It sounds manly. It sounds like a guy who really tore it up in high school. All the girls at some point in time hook up with old Stretch. It is a right of passage in these parts. I have no clue who Gary Stretch is, but according to his bio – I AM 100% FUCKING CORRECT that he has had more sex than words in this post. “During the early nineties, Gary Stretch was the glamor-boy of British boxing. His good looks coupled with KO power in his fists ensured he was big box-office. He also made money strutting his stuff on the catwalk as a male model.” Yeah, this guy got laid so much that he probably just walks around with a condom on. Oh man, and he was married to Roselyn Sanchez for several years. Good for you, Gary. I have seen Roselyn Sanchez in person and it isn’t any Avatar CGI that is making her gorgeous in these movies. I think I even wrote a post about it. Go look that up. Happy Birthday, Gary for proving that not only can I judge a book by its cover, but I can judge it by its title and not even need to see the cover.

26. Trishelle Cannatella

The picture is of a girl in bra and panties. Also, I can only think of one Trishelle and that is the chick from Real World Las Vegas. BOOM! It is the same. I don’t know what Trishelle has been up to minus drugs and sex for the past several years of her life, but I do know if you are curious about what she looks like naked then a quick google search should be in your future. Oh Real World. Trishelle also came to my college once. Yep. That’s what my college spent our tuition on – Trishelle. It was actually Trishelle and Landon from Real World Philadelphia. Happy Birthday Trishelle for siphoning some of my education money and providing the world with pictures of you naked.

29. Tabu

She’s from Bollywood and her name is seemingly “taboo”, which is fun to say. Think of it as a nice lemon sorbet for your inner monologue. Tabu. Taboo. Ta-buh-boo. Happy Birthday, I hope I’m pronouncing your name right.

32. Jeff Probst

We all know who Jeff Probst is. We all know this means one thing. The Devil is real and Jeff Probst made a deal with him. Happy Birthday Jeff Probst, I’ll see you in Hell.

34. Fivel Stewart

If you thought the name “Fivel” was weird then get a load of her real name – Trent Heaven Stewart. Fivel’s not looking so bad is it? I’m sure that somewhere the name “Heaven” is unisex, but Trent? Trent?! Her parents do know that she is a girl correct? Who names a girl, Trent? No one and that is why this girl at probably the ripe age of “whenever you can understand your name is a boy’s name and you are in fact a girl” chose a different name. She is only 14 now, so I’m guessing at the age of 4 or so she must have chosen her new name of Fivel based on the mouse movies. Either way, she is apparently well equipped to kick everyone’s asses if they say something about her name being “Fivel” because she is a bad ass martial artist. Good for. Also, her [brother]’s name is BooBoo. Yeah. Fucking Californian parents. Happy Birthday to you Fivel and emancipating yourself from your hippie parents.

38. Bethenny Frankel

I won’t lie. I know exactly who this woman is. I have also watched her television show. Happy Birthday Bethenny, I don’t hate you, but I do hate Rachel Zoe.

39. Marlene Jobert

“Jobert was born in 1940 in Algeria. She studied drama and fine art in Paris, made her acting debut on the stage in 1963…” That’s enough. Marlene Jobert has lived a better life than me right then and there and I’m seeing the Cliff’s notes from 1940 to 1963 of her life. Happy Birthday Marlene, you win.

43. Walter Cronkite

This man being #43 on this is a crime. Not like punishable by death, but a severe penalty of money and short jail time. Happy Birthday Walter hopefully in your old age you never saw your profession bastardized by Fox News.

47. Karina Michel

She’s pretty. Happy Birthday to you being pretty.

50. Will Rogers

This is a crime punishable by death. The Cronkite thing is a fine and a short stint, but WILL fucking ROGERS!

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.”


One of the most quotable human beings ever. And a cowboy. And a humanitarian. Happy Birthday, IMDB doesn’t have any damn sense.




Why did I write this much?


No one is going to read all of this.


KSWI Jordan (J): Hello, Kristen. You appear to want it, but are pensive about wanting it.

Kristen Stewart (KS): I do want it, but today is such a boring day. All I’m doing is sitting in front of this red backdrop and answering questions about Taylor and Rob and what it was like kissing Dakota Fanning. I wish something great would happen.

J: Well, I have something to tell you. It might change your thoughts concerning June 15th forever.

KS: What’s that?

J: It’s my birthday.


KS: Your birthday?

J: Yes.

KS: Your birth-day? Your berff-day?

J: Yes. Did you say berff-

KS: Your ber-ber-ber-b-b-b-b-buuuuuuhhhhhh-

J: What is happening?

KS: Ber-ber-ber-ber-bbbbbbbbbb-b-b-b-b-ber-ber-berfff-ffffffffffff-

J: Does someone need to reset her?



KS: How did I not know this?

J: You have not responded to any of my friend requests on Facebook. My many friend requests.

KS: Well, for good reason I have not responded. You remember what transpired in Guadalajara last year. That can never be mentioned of the Eff-Book.


KS: This is just great news! I need to do something for your birthday. A token, a gesture of my appreciation for all that you’ve done for my career and existence on this crazy spinning rock in space.

J: Well, I don’t think you-

KS: But… I WANT to.


KS: Shhhhh… Jordan. I have something to show you. Something to show you on your birthday. Hold on. It takes a second to get ready.







KS: I fucking want IT.


Happy Birthday Everyone!




It is Friday and we all know what that means – herpes. Actually, it means I will be answering your questions. But before I get to your questions let me read this passage from L. Ron Hubbard’s masterpiece Dianetics. Actually, let me answer some of these motherfucking questions, aaaiiiggghhhttt….tttt!

1. Inspired by Cledbo’s mention of Prince Harry: in your opinion, who is/was the sexiest royal, living or dead? Doesn’t have to be British.


Queen Rania of Jordan. I really don’t think I need to explain why I am picking Queen Rania of Jordan because she is a sex kitten classically beautiful lady. Ummm… I have started writing a couple explanations why I picked her, but they seem pretty stupid. Look at her! She’s fucking hot. She’s also a pretty great person too. Queen Rania was the first face that popped into my mind when I read this question and I did no research to dissuade myself. I know there are other sexy royals living or dead and they would be respectable choices as well, but who needs to look them up? If they’re sexy too then at best they are just as sexy or comparably sexy to Queen Rania. She’s like the Peyton Manning of sexy royals. So, Queen Rania of Jordan – final answer.

2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I’ve always felt I should’ve been Phoebe Masterson.

There are two trains of thought: normal or ridiculous. I used to use Parkhurst Young as my alias for tons of stuff online. That would be the normal choice. On the other hand, I could change my name to King Kong von Thundercock of the Awesomeness Clan.

3. Why do Americans eat the animals we eat and nothing else? Why can’t we buy a package of ground dog at the grocery store? Or a rotisserie cooked guinea pig at the deli? Of course I don’t want to eat any of these things, it’s just fascinating that we were socialized to eat certain animals and not others. I try not to eat any animals, except for pigs, because they are just asking for it, being made of delicious bacon as they are.

I think most of this can be refereed to the discussion between Jules and Vincent in the diner scene of Pulp Fiction:

Vincent: Want some bacon?
Jules: No man, I don’t eat pork.
Vincent: Are you Jewish?
Jules: Nah, I ain’t Jewish, I just don’t dig on swine, that’s all.
Vincent: Why not?
Jules: Pigs are filthy animals. I don’t eat filthy animals.
Vincent: Bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste gooood.
Jules: Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’d never know ’cause I wouldn’t eat the filthy motherfucker. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That’s a filthy animal. I ain’t eat nothin’ that ain’t got sense enough to disregard its own feces.
Vincent: How about a dog? Dogs eats its own feces.
Jules: I don’t eat dog either.
Vincent: Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?
Jules: I wouldn’t go so far as to call a dog filthy but they’re definitely dirty. But, a dog’s got personality. Personality goes a long way.
Vincent: Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?
Jules: Well we’d have to be talkin’ about one charming motherfuckin’ pig. I mean he’d have to be ten times more charmin’ than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I’m sayin’?


First, I agree with Jules. And I know there is a biological reason why pigs “sleep and root in shit” – it’s to keep their skin moist and cool them down I think. Or they just love shit.

Second, humans did not come up with the idea of “predator” and “prey”. For the most part, human beings respect other great predators. Most places in the world are not serving “panther steak”. Also, most places have a great respect for large animals like whales, elephants, hippos, rhinos et cetera. There are only small pockets of the world that are killing these animals for food. I know that there is a huge problem with the Eastern coastal regions of Asia killing sharks, but outside of them no one else really kills sharks.

Third, I think a purpose has been assigned to most animals, if not all. I wouldn’t expect a cow to protect my house from a burglar, but a dog would. Someone will probably respond like “a Chihuahua wouldn’t protect your home” or “you could train a cow to protect– BLAH FUCKING BLAH! Cows are not naturally like that. We’ve bred them to be this way. Same with dogs. God didn’t just create a poodle and drop it into the jungles of the Congo. Animals have been bred through natural selection and human tampering to fill some purpose. Some are to be eaten by me and some are to catch a Frisbee thrown by me.

We didn’t arbitrarily choose to eat some animals over others. There are a variety of reasons why people eat certain animals. Dogs are a lot more useful of a creature alive by your side than dead on your dinner plate. I don’t think that can be said as convincingly for cows.

4. Sometimes I turn down sex because I haven’t shaved my legs. Can you take a quick survey of your male friends and colleagues to find out whether they would prefer to wait a day for smooth sex or have immediate stubbly sex?

Is it only either/or? What if you have the immediate stubbly sex then you shave and have smooth sex the next day? I’m not surveying any of my friends about this because I’m pretty sure they would say yes to the “stubbly sex” then the shaving then the “smooth sex” that I’m proposing. We’re not idiots over here.

5. My question is, what do you do when it is raining (and you’re not morking at your yob, obviously)?

I do whatever it is I normally do when it isn’t raining. You have seen pictures of me, so you know that when the sun is out that I’m not tanning on a beach or poolside. I watch TV and movies, listen to music, go online, play videogames, read, write, get drunk at a bar, get drunk at home, go to a friend’s place to do any of the stuff previously mentioned, go to sleep.


6. What’s your favourite cheese? Do you even like cheese?

Do I even like cheese? What!?! What type of satanic madness would one have to not like cheese? Even people allergic to cheese like cheese. It is the burden that God has afflicted them with like Job. God is testing their faith. Anyway, I fucking love cheese.

Favorite? That’s tough. I don’t think I have a favo”u”rite cheese. I like American, Cheddar, Swiss, Monterey Jack, Havarti, Gouda, Provolone, Muenster, Mozzarella, Parmesan and so on and so on. I’m not a fan of pepper jack cheese. I don’t want vegetables in my cheese. And I capitalized all the cheese names because they are all so good that they deserve to be capitalized.

7. What would you have as your last meal?

Am I being executed in this situation? If that’s the case then cyanide. Because fuck them.

Last meal in general? No idea. As long as it is good I would be fine with that. I’m not sure I would care too much especially if it was my last. If it was a burger or a steak or chicken parmigiana or lobster bisque or hard shelled crabs or whatever – as long as it was good then I’m cool with that.


8. Since it is warm where you live, are you a flip flops or sandals kind of guy? If sandals, do you wear socks with them? Speaking of socks, do you fold them, pull them all the way up or scrunch them down artfully?

I rarely wear flip flops or sandals. Mostly because I don’t own a pair of either. I am generally a “shoes” guy. Not even boots – just shoes. I don’t own boots either. There was a point in my life I wore Teva sandals during the warmer months. I’m not against sandals or flip flops – I just down own them. I wouldn’t wear socks with the flip flops or sandals unless I was doing it ironically.

I do not fold socks. I pull them all the way up and I scrunch them down artfully. The decision to do one over the other depends on what color my mood ring is.  

9. How can I, Jordan Newmark, tone down the dazzling whiteness of my skin?

First, why would I want to get rid of the dazzling whiteness of my skin? Do you know how much money the 1.3 billion Chinese people in this world would pay to have dazzling white skin like mine? GOOGLILLIONZ of dollars.

I could go outside and get sun burnt. That’s really my only other option. Or sell my soul to the Devil and begin using self-tanner.


10 . I was like, so wait just so we’re clear am I fucking fat pigs or am I fat and fucking average sized pigs?

My immediate reaction is you are fucking fat pigs. I would have to hear how he said it to be completely sure. If there was a pause between “fat” and “pig” then you are the latter rather than the former. I’m also assuming neither depiction of you is true. I just have a hard time imagining that a person who literally fucks pigs would not only find this website funny, but be a productive and witty commenter back. Call it “prejudice” or “ignorance” if you must, but that is what I believe damns it.

And with that, have a great weekend! And have a great Kristen Stewart Happy Birthday!


Happy Birthday Dakota Fanning!

Today is Dakota Fanning’s “sweet” sixteen birthday which means that she now can… be sixteen? She’s a rich celebrity who probably can do whatever she wants anyway. Seriously, who is going to stop Dakota Fanning from doing anything? If a cop saw Dakota Fanning buying a bottle of gin, that cop wouldn’t stop Dakota. It’s Dakota Fanning! She’s not going to be irresponsible with that bottle of gin. She’ll probably just take it home with her and sip on a modestly poured cocktail in a 1950’s highball glass while reading the latest scripts. She’s a career woman. The cop would probably give her a tip of his hat and say, “I loved you in Man on Fire. That last scene on the bridge had me in tears.” And he wouldn’t be lying either because we were all in tears during that seen. CREASY!!!!!

Either way – HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Dakota!

In my effort to memorize the Internet Movie Database, I went to Dakota Fanning’s page the other day and clicked on the “mini-bio/trivia” section. It was filled with some really random information and some interesting information. In today’s post we will all learn about said trivia and, obviously, my “unique” take on that trivia. But, first, I will say this – I am a fan of Dakota Fanning. And not just because of this damn Runaways movie. I have not seen many movies that Dakota Fanning is in – I Am Sam, Uptown Girls (I had HBO and I was in college with a lot of free time), Man on Fire, War of the Worlds, and New Moon – but she is great in the ones I have seen.

Also, her younger sister, Elle, is great as well. Usually (read: almost every fucking time), there is a kid actor in a movie and THEY SUCK! But these two, Elle and Dakota, are actually great. I can only think of like 5 kid actors I don’t hate in movies and two of them are these sisters. And they both have worked with Denzel Washington! Excellent work, Joy and Steven Fanning. I’m not sure what you are doing in Conyers, Georgia to raise kids who act well, but don’t stop now! Have you seen the garbage kid actors in every other movie? Go have another kid. Have a ton more. Start taking hormone therapy medication and have octoplets of little Meryl Streep’s and Marlon Brando’s.

If I was a film studio executive, I would make the Fanning’s have more children. And/or I would have had Elle and Dakota working sweat shop hours to have them portray all the children in all the movies. Just think – Little Anakin Skywalker? Dakota Fanning with a buzz cut. Just think how much better that movie would have been!?! … and Jar Jar Binks gets shot in his stupid head 10 seconds after we meet him to a standing ovation of applause.

Anyway – it’s triiiiivia time, it’s triiiiiivia time, it’s t-r-i-v-i-a triiiiivia time, it ain’t no ooooother time, it actually is 10:21 am tiiiiime, but that just is a moment in tiiiiiiime during the triiiiiiivia tiiiiiiime, I’ve lost my miiiiiind, not because of triiivia time, don’t blame triiiivia time, because it’s triiiiivia time.

Learned to read at age 2.

I guess this is fast or completely on target. I have no clue. It sounds fast though. I wasn’t necessarily a “stupid” kid, but as far as I know my reading and speaking skills were the worst when I was that age. I had 5 words that I called everything and didn’t deviate from that for a few years. Also, I went to a kindergarten where the most advanced activities we took part in were “finger painting” or “stacking blocks”. It doesn’t seem to have affected me too much in the long run. So stop bragging, Dakota! Jeez! Ok, great, you were the quarterback in High School, but you’re 52 now, a drunk and a bad custodian. Not even a good custodian, but a bad one. Make something of yourself!

When she received the Best Young Actor/Actress award from the Broadcast Film Critics Association for her performance in I Am Sam (2001), she was too short to reach the microphone to give her acceptance speech. Presenter Orlando Bloom held her up to the mike for the duration of her speech, which turned out to be quite long.

There is a lot of repetition on this page, which is not surprising because she is 16! She was 15 like 20 seconds ago, so how much “trivia” could there really be? It was a cute moment, but they keep making a point that Bloom had to hold her up for so long. Shut up, Bloom! Pfffft, Orlando!?! She was 7. He was holding up a 7 year old girl for like 90 seconds. Big deal. If Orlando Bloom held up Kathy Bates today for 90 seconds then I would be impressed.

Began her acting career at 5 when she was picked for a Tide commercial.

At 5, I was pretending sticks were laser guns in my backyard with or without friends.

Her father named her Dakota, her mother named her Hannah. She then was named Hannah Dakota Fanning.

This is also brought up a few times. It really isn’t as great of a story as IMDB thinks it is. Where’s the drama!?! He wanted this, she wanted this and they compromised perfectly. Fuck you, IMDB. How about Stephen wanted Dakota and Joy wanted Hannah, so they each chose a single action Colt pistol and prepared for a gun battle to the death at dawn. But on the eve of the duel, a priestess under a full moon came to them in their Georgian home. Dressed in the blood of her elders she cried…

Her favorite films include Gone with the Wind (1939), Titanic (1997) and Steel Magnolias (1989).

I guess. She is a girl after all. And a young one at that. Titanic? Really? You worked with Steven Spielberg! How about Empire of the Sun? Or The Color Purple? I know this will hit a nerve with some of you, but I’m glad she didn’t say Pretty Woman. Oh my idolatry! I do not like that movie. She’s a prostitute! “Richard Gere is such a wonderful man”. Really? Really!?! He is a man who pays for sex. Why is it a problem when I pay for sex, but not when he does? It’s just hypocritical. And why is that girls never want to meet my prostitute friends? But you loved Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman! Either love the movie and be cool with me and my prostitutes or don’t like the movie and actually have a leg to stand on when you yell at me about spending all my free time with prostitutes. One or the other!

Collects dolls.

Yeah, no shit. She is a kid.

Loves to knit and has knitted scarfs for Tom Cruise, Robert De Niro, Denzel Washington, Oprah Winfrey, Steven Spielberg and Tim Robbins.

Listen up, IMDB – it is “scarves” not “scarfs”. One day, IMDB, when I stab you in your internet eye because you gave me false hope about an On the Road movie directed by Walter Salles it will be with “knives” and not “knifes”.

For the ‘sad’ scenes in I Am Sam (2001), she thought of her pet goldfish, Flounder, dying.

That is amazing stuff. Have you seen I Am Sam? Phenomenal. If I was an actor and they asked me to cry on camera, I would think about Dakota Fanning crying in I Am Sam while she is thinking about “Flounder”. That movie is so sad and beautiful. I have only seen it once because I’m never like “Hey Jordan, do you want to cry forever today?” And I know girls do have those moments and that is why there is a MAN as President always. Can’t have POTUS curled up on the sofa watching Fried Green Tomatoes with a quart of Haagen Dazs just because she feels like having a “good cry”.

Carries a book of baby names with her wherever she goes.

Errrr… I hope this is old trivia and not something she still does. Dakota is pretty, famous, rich and successful, but a book of baby names in her back pocket will scare away 99% of any guys who try to ask her out. And the 1% are old blind gay men. Because even a sighted gay guy would run and a blind straight guy would at least sense it. But life is too tough for an old blind gay guy for him to give up on any opportunity for love even with a baby name book its backpocket.

On her eleventh birthday,Tom Cruise gave her a cell phone.


During filming of War of the Worlds (2005), Tom Cruise gave her an iPod.

Jeez, Tom. Stalk much? HAHAHAHAHAHAh… hahah… whooo… hmmm

Actually, this is a reoccurring theme in the trivia section – “shit people gave to Dakota”. Or at least that is what I’m calling it. “Shit” meaning “presents” because I know you commenters love the curse words. Maybe it should be “motherfucking fuck shit fuck presents fucking given to Ms. Dakota Fanning by fucking shit fuck exceedingly famous male motherfucking celebrities she worked with in a fuckity fucking fuck shit fucking movie”. And it is “Ms.” because she is 16 and a lady.

Back to the presents, Tom gave her a cell phone and an iPod. Not bad, Tom. Generally, I would say giving an 11 year old a cell phone is a bit ridiculous, but this is Dakota Fanning after all. The chick is making Hollywood power moves and not just calling her Middle School friends to talk Gossip Girl. And an iPod is a great gift. It is easy to use, even if you have a first generation iPod it is still a great item, they’re ergonomic. Also, I like Tom Cruise. I went through his filmography with Dawgz the other day. We concluded that 80% of the movies he has been in have been at least “good”. Most actors were not even topping 50%. And in that 80% of “good” there are flat out amazing films, a bunch of them. So Tom does no wrong in my book. Oh he jumped on a couch? Fuck you. The dude made Top Gun. Grow up already.

On her 10th birthday, Robert De Niro gave her a doll that looked like Dakota’s character in Hide and Seek (2005), with the brown hair and blue eyes.

Pretty good gift. For Dakota this gift seems to be perfect. She collects dolls, it is a doll of her, she was fucking 10 years old. And you know that De Niro didn’t cheap out on the doll. He probably paid a lot for the doll to be made. Good thread or cotton or double stitch or something. So good job, Bobby D. But maybe IMDB is not telling us the whole story. Maybe Mr. De Niro has a doll made for every opposite lead in whatever movie he is making on their birthday. Now that would be a fucking creep show and a half! I would have paid to see Robert De Niro presenting a doll he had made of Wesley Snipes to him on the set of The Fan. Also, I now want a Wesley Snipes doll. MAKE IT HAPPEN, DE NIRO!

After filming Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story (2005), Kurt Russell, who plays her father, bought her a palomino horse, whom she named Goldie. Goldie lives on a ranch near Dakota’s home where she can visit him often.

BOOM! FUCKING BOOM! A fucking horse!?! A fucking real horse!?! Wow, Kurt Russell is the KING of present giving. Seriously, he makes Tom Cruise and Robert De Niro look like chumps. A fucking phone? An iPod? I currently have an iPhone which does both of those things and it cost less than $100. A doll? A doll that Dakota can’t even play with and she will most likely grow out of collecting dolls. But a damn horse? Wow. Just wow. Kurt Russell, folks. I always wanted to befriend Kurt Russell before – Escape from New York, Big Trouble in Little China, Overboard, Tango & Cash, Backdraft, Captain Ron, Tombstone, Stargate, married Goldie Hawn and raised Kate Hudson, had a kick ass mullet for like ever – but now I need to invite him to a birthday party of mine stat. Maybe he’ll buy me a Wesley Snipes doll.

Is the youngest member of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences (she joined in 2006).

This may explain why the “Academy” never nominates the right movies to be best picture. She was 12. Fucking 12. She wasn’t even old enough to see a stupid PG-13 movie by herself and she is deciding what is the “best picture” of the year. Come on. Currently, it is still illegal for her to purchase a ticket to see a Rated-R film because she is SIXTEEN! I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Dakota. I lost my temper there. It’s not your fault. The Academy has sucked for…*thinking*…. however long the Academy has been around for I guess. Dakota, as long as you thought The Dark Knight should have been at least nominated for Best Picture then we can be friends again.

Speaking of the greatest movie of all time, I would have given The Dark Knight every award last year. I would have literally just written “The Dark Knight” in every category regardless of what that category was.

Best Picture: The Dark Knight

Best Actress: The Dark Knight

Best Documentary: The Dark Knight


Congressional Medal of Honor: The Dark Knight

NBA Defensive Player of the Year: The Dark Knight

Maxim’s Top 100 Hottest Female Celebrities: THE DARK KNIGHT

AVN – Best Gangbang Scene Featuring Anal – THE DARK KNIGHT!!!!!

Was ranked #9 in E’s most cutest child stars all grown-up even if she still is a child.(2005)

Ummmm… Excuse me “E”, but I think Chris Hansen has something to talk to you about. Am I right? She was 11. “All grown-up”? Who is in charge of making those lists, “historical reference from the 1600’s”? Also, is it weird that I’m more disgusted at “most cutest” than I am that they chose an 11 year old as an “all grown-up”. Most cutest? I guarantee you if I applied for a job at “E” I wouldn’t get hired, but “most cutest” has a job there. This world is fucking unfair.

I won’t lie to you, #9!?! Who is most cutester than Dakota?

Her first word was “Momo,” which was the family cat’s name.

My first words were “ball” and “truck”.

For her, the hardest thing at the end of a movie is saying goodbye to the cast.

Awwwwwwwwwww…. Because she is a kid!

Hadn’t read all the books from the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer before she was cast in New Moon (2009) but she wanted to do it, because she loved the cast, and the movie.

Dakota, let me save you some time and say “don’t read the books”. I’ll just tell you how they end and save you the trouble – in the end THEY SUCK. That’s the end. Or I could rewrite that as “in the end THE BOOKS ARE A WASTE OF YOUR TIME WHEN YOU COULD HAVE BEEN READING ANY OTHER BOOK THAT WAS BETTER.”

While filming Push (2009) in Hong Kong, she wasn’t recognized.

Come on. Not once? Step up your game HK-China. Seriously, she was in Man on Fire – that movie was the illest.

And finally, a quote from Dakota Fanning regarding being an actress:

“I’ve always wanted to be an actress, ever since I was a little girl. I’ve always played the mom and I play my sister as the daughter. I wanted to be an actress on television and movies instead of just around the house.”

Some people wait their whole lives to achieve their dream. Some people like Dakota Fanning waited 5 years… when she turned 5! Or let’s really figure this out. She started reading at 2 years old. And let’s say there was a wayward year after that when Dakota was thinking about how she wanted to spend the rest of her life. What are we at now? 2+1 = 3! Between the ages of 3 years old and 5 years old, Dakota Fanning was not achieving her dream and since then SHE HAS!

Fuck, I am depressed.

Happy Birthday, Dakota Fanning.

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