September 28, 2010
Confucius had a particular question he liked to ask:
How many great decisions have been made during a morning poop?
At least one. Today started out like many other days in my completely unrequested blogging tenure, I had a vague idea of what I wanted to write about. I am a lover of music. A lover of music that is both legal and consensual. Yesterday, Lil’ Wayne’s newest album “dropped”. I heard about it not through my lapsed subscription membership to the Lil’ Wayne fan club aka The Citizens of Lil’ Waynia, but I heard about it from the mighty Yahoo!. Apparently, this album is ONLY available for download. My idea was thus – listen to the album and write while I listen. I would critique the album as well as mention whatever pops into my head while listening to Lil’ Wayne. Everything was going according to plan until I actually started listening to the album.
I will put this bluntly, “I hate Drake.” By “Drake”, I mean the light skinned pretty boy rapper who was once married to Nicki Minaj’s butt. Her beautiful titan butt. I like many “Drakes” in the world. I have a friend named Drake that I enjoy very much and I’m a fan of the English sea captain Sir Francis Drake. But I hate this singing motherfucker “Drake”. I dislike all his songs and him in particular. There are 10 songs on the Lil’ Wayne album and Drake is apart of 4 of them. This did not bode well. Also, Lil’ Wayne isn’t my favorite artist in the world, so I would have to put up with his shit too. I hate Lil’ Wayne’s “I’m an alien” bullshit. As weird as the dude may be, he is just a dude lucky to have survived the streets of New Orleans and not an alien.
I got through the first 2 songs barely and was not at all in the mood to make it through the next 8 songs. I decided to take a bathroom break. While in there I was struck with an idea – why not an educational post instead of forcing myself to listen to this album at 10 in the morning? How about writing about anything that allows me not to listen to this album? So educational post it is.
Something I enjoy doing every once and a while, type a date into Wikipedia and see what happened on that day. It is usually a very random line-up of deaths and court decisions that took place on this day throughout written history. And today is little different. Take a gander at this list and I’ll comment so often.
And in the generation defining words of Lil’ Wayne’s first track “Gonorrhea”, Pussy ass niggas, we don’t want your gonorrhea.
* 48 BC – Pompey the Great is assassinated on the orders of King Ptolemy of Egypt after landing in Egypt.
Bam! Starting this off with some murdah! Am I right? Some government sanctioned mer-duh! Also, I actually know who this is about. Not that I could write an essay about Pompey or Ptolemy at this point in my life, but the fact I remember them at all is somewhat comforting. I have spent so much of my life committing to memory so many other things like the resurrection code in Ikari Warriors II on the original Nintendo that having any knowledge of “school” stuff is remarkable to me.
* 351 – Battle of Mursa Major: the Roman Emperor Constantius II defeats the usurper Magnentius.
See. I have no clue about this. The “usurper” Magnentius? Not the evil or transgendered or swift or tall, but the “usurper”.
* 365 – Roman usurper Procopius bribes two legions passing by Constantinople, and proclaims himself Roman emperor.
I think Wikipedia likes the word “usurper”. I thought this was just an adjective to describe Magnetius in particular, but apparently not. Now everyone is usurping! Hey, Wikipedia – if you like “usurper” so much why don’t you marry it!?!
* 935 – Saint Wenceslas is murdered by his brother, Boleslaus I of Bohemia.
Geez. Takes some balls, evil balls to be exact, to kill your brother – let alone a brother who is a saint. A literal SAINT. Saint Wenceslas. Maybe that’s why he killed him. I bet their parents were always like, “Boleslaus, why don’t you be more I don’t know – “saintly” like your brother Wenceslas… the SAINT!”
* 995 – Members of Slavník’s dynasty – Spytimír, Pobraslav, Pořej and Čáslav are murdered by Boleslaus’s son, Boleslaus II the Pious.
The old murder apple doesn’t fall far from the murder tree at the Boleslaus’ house. It’s like Dexter over there. Also, “Boleslaus’s” is not correct Wikipedia. Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self.
* 1066 – William the Conqueror invades England beginning the Norman Conquest.
Doesn’t the movie Due Date look good? I am pro all things that have Zach Galifaskflknasdf8q98kis in them. Due Date looks good and so does that other movie It’s Kind of a Funny Story which Zach is in and he looks like he does some dramatic acting in it. That is also a terrible name for a movie – It’s Kind of a Funny Story. What in that garbage of a title makes you think of a movie about a kid who goes to a mental hospital and meets Zach and meets Emma Roberts?
* 1106 – The Battle of Tinchebrai – Henry I of England defeats his brother, Robert Curthose.
What type of bullshit is that though? Kid is trying to find some meaning in his life because he is a weirdo and goes to a mental hospital and runs into Emma Roberts. What kind of bullshit is that? Oh yeah, I bet there are just a ton of hot girls who are single at the mental hospital who don’t realize how good looking they are and just need some confident young man to talk to. I’m sure. I’m so sure that I’m looking up the nearest mental hospital.
* 1238 – Muslim Valencia surrenders to the besieging King James I of Aragon the Conqueror.
She’s 19. I mean that’s legal. Don’t get all freaked out. Emma Roberts is 19. I’m not denying she is probably too young for me. I’m not denying that at all. But she is quite attractive coming from that famed Roberts gene pool. Also, I’m pretty sure her dad, Eric Roberts, and I would get along. Outside of me being 27 and her being 19 and him hating me because of that and because I have no level of success to match this daughter and she would be the bread winner of this family… but! I have seen a ton of Eric Roberts’ movies including a lot of the unwatchable ones. He has some Oscar winners in there like Pope of Greenwich Village and Best of the Best – but there are some others… some others that no one should have watched and I have watched them, so we could definitely talk about that and not talk about me with his 19 year old daughter.
* 1322 – Louis IV, Holy Roman Emperor defeats Frederick I of Austria in the Battle of Mühldorf.
Like Sharktopus. Who else saw Sharktopus on “Syfy” this weekend? That was something special. That was one of those poisons that I ingest that I imagine robs the rest of my brain from more knowledge about the Holy Roman Empire. Like I remember some of the HRE stuff, but not much. Not enough. Charlemagne is about it. You don’t see that name much anymore. Charlemagne Jenkins. Charlemagne Robinson. I actually really like the ring of that. If your last name is Robinson or you know a Robinson – tell them to kick around the name “Charlemagne” when they decide to procreate. I think the name is unisex or at least I’m getting that vibe.
* 1448 – Christian I is crowned king of Denmark.
Seriously, call the kid “Charlie”. Who is to know difference between the birth certificate saying “Charles” or “Charlemagne”? I think I just named everyone’s next kid.
* 1542 – Navigator João Rodrigues Cabrilho of Portugal arrives at what is now San Diego, California, United States.
What’s up, y’all!?! Los Estados Unidos are in la casa! Los Estados Unidos son en la casa! I can translate “are in” as well. I have never heard of this guy Cabrilho. I’ve been to San Diego though. If someone brings up San Diego and you never been to San Diego and you don’t feel like telling them that because then they’ll turn into a San Diego tour guide – just tell them you have been there and you went to the zoo. San Diego has a famous zoo. You can lie about everything else on your own from there. That zoo has everything. Escaped monkey? Sure. Escaped pride of lions? Sure!
* 1708 – Peter the Great defeats the Swedes at the Battle of Lesnaya.
Bitch ass Swedes! Punk ass bitch ass Swedes!
* 1779 – American Revolution: Samuel Huntington is elected President of the Continental Congress, succeeding John Jay.
I have really no idea who either of these two men are, but I would have voted for Samuel Huntington over John Jay if I was voting right now and took my existing knowledge of them, which is nada-thing, to make my decision. I have heard the conspiracy theory not to trust a man with two first names. I don’t necessarily subscribe to it, but I don’t necessarily don’t subscribe to it if you catch my drift. Be leery of them, be very Denis Leary of them.
* 1781 – American forces backed by a French fleet begin the siege of Yorktown, Virginia, during the American Revolutionary War.
What’s up now, motherfuckers!?! Bitch ass British motherfuckers! Get off our land. Go home. This is a good time to get into my diatribe about why Americans shouldn’t hate the French. Sure they are dicks, but so are everyone. Everyone is a dick. So, that doesn’t mean you should hate the French. They have been hand-in-hand with us throughout our history in America helping us fight for our independence and the French invented blowjobs supposedly. Boom! I mean which one really is better? America – greatest country ever. Or? Blowjobs. It is kind of a neck and neck race on this one. The French did other things as well, but I’m pretty sure this debate is over with the entrance of blowjobs to this intellectual discourse.
* 1787 – The newly completed United States Constitution is voted on by the U.S. Congress to be sent to the state legislatures for approval.
What! What! Bureaucracy! What up now?
* 1791 – France becomes the first European country to emancipate its Jewish population.
Are we historical butter because we’re on a historical roll! Am. I. Right! Jews, y’all.
* 1844 – Oscar I of Sweden-Norway is crowned king of Sweden.
Boring. What is with all this Swedish noise? Is there a Swedish Wikipedia writer? I get it your country is cool and full of blondes who like to ski. I want to go there. I love Ingmar Bergman and some of your death metal. But your history no one cares about.
* 1867 – Toronto becomes the capital of Ontario.
WOOOOOOO! Party all the time in Canada!
* 1867 – The United States takes control of Midway Island.
Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah, Midway! Fuck yeah! That’s what you get Midway!
* 1868 – Battle of Alcolea causes Queen Isabella II of Spain to flee to France.
Not that bad of a gig there. Fleeing from Spain to France can’t be that bad. It’s not like she was fleeing from Spain to Detroit, Michigan. That would suck. Fleeing from Milwaukee, Wisconsin to Detroit, Michigan would suck. Also, regardless of what you are fleeing from, once you get to Detroit you will need to flee from Detroit. There is some shit going on in Detroit you need to get away from like now.
* 1889 – The first General Conference on Weights and Measures (CGPM) defines the length of a meter as the distance between two lines on a standard bar of an alloy of platinum with ten percent iridium, measured at the melting point of ice.
FUCK YES! GREATEST DAY EVER! HOLY SHIT! SEPTEMBER 28TH IS THE GREATEST DAY EVER! WE’RE DEFINING METERS UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER! THE METER’S BIRTHDAY! LET’S ALL GET DRUNK ON THE METER’S BIRTHDAY! THE BIRFDAY OF THE METER! ALL 100 CENTIMETERS AND SHIT! ALL 1000 MILLIMETERS AND SHIT! BUBBA-BERFDAY TO THE GREATEST DAY BECAUSE IT’S THE METER’S DAY! BIRTHDAY SHOTS FOR METER DAY! HOLY SHIT METER DAY! GETTING ALL CRAZY WITH THE METER DAY!
I wish today was my birthday because this may be the greatest day in human history.
* 1928 – The U.K. Parliament passes the Dangerous Drugs Act outlawing cannabis.
WHAT!?! WHAT THE FUCK!?! WT FUCK!?! I HATE SEPTEMBER 28TH! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE HATE HATE HATE IT!
No weed in Englund? What the bullshit? I hate you 1928 September 28th British people. You all blow goats.
* 1928 – Sir Alexander Fleming notices a bacteria-killing mold growing in his laboratory, discovering what later became known as penicillin.
What!?! I LOVE SEPTEMBER 28th!
That is some wild shit. The English are putting doobies on wanted posters and meanwhile Sir Alexander Fleming over in Scotland is discovering one of the greatest discoveries of all time this side of the French discovering blowjobs. That was a wild day in history. No more good times in England and Alex Fleming is finding the cure for like roughly 80% of things ever.
* 1939 – Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union agree on a division of Poland after their invasion during World War II.
* 1939 – Warsaw surrenders to Nazi Germany during World War II.
Let’s just skip over this.
* 1944 – Soviet Army troops liberate Klooga concentration camp in Klooga, Estonia.
Klooga. I bet you can’t say Klooga without smiling or at least wanting to smile. It is fun to say. Klooga. I bet it is not that fun to live there especially in a concentration camp, but it’s a fun word to say. Klooga. Klooga could be a dessert. A chocolate klooga for the table. I’ll just leave some extra spoons just in case anyone wants some of this delicious klooga.
* 1950 – Indonesia joins the United Nations.
* 1958 – France ratifies a new Constitution of France; the French Fifth Republic is then formed upon the formal adoption of the new constitution on October 4. Guinea rejects the new constitution, voting for independence instead.
* 1960 – Mali and Senegal join the United Nations.
* 1961 – A military coup in Damascus effectively ends the United Arab Republic, the union between Egypt and Syria.
And that was the last we ever heard of military problems in Egypt, Syria or the Middle East. The end.
* 1962 – The Paddington tram depot fire destroys 65 trams in Brisbane, Australia.
That sounds pretty wild and bad.
* 1971 – The Parliament of the United Kingdom passes the Misuse of Drugs Act 1971 banning the medicinal use of cannabis.
What the hell? What is with September 28th, the UK and the hatred of the sticky icky? This is the anti-thesis to April 20th.
* 1973 – The ITT Building in New York City is bombed in protest at ITT’s alleged involvement in the September 11 1973 coup d’état in Chile.
Hmmmm… initially I thought this may have been apart of the Weather Underground bombings, but it appears that it isn’t. I really don’t know much about this at all, but I do know that if you haven’t seen the documentary called The Weather Underground about The Weather Underground then you need to. It is a great documentary.
* 1975 – The Spaghetti House siege, in which nine people are taken hostage, takes place in London.
No idea. But I do know if they make another Rush Hour movie that there should be a fight scene in a “Spaghetti House”. Sounds like it would work.
* 1987 – The beginning of the Palestinian civil disobedience uprising, “The First Intifada” against the Israeli occupation.
Oh, I’m sure nothing bad happened there.
* 1994 – The car ferry MS Estonia sinks in Baltic Sea, killing 852 people.
* 1995 – Bob Denard and a group of mercenaries take the islands of Comoros in a coup.
Uhhhh yeah. Bob Denard is a guy you want to read about. He successfully committed four coups in the Comoros islands and was a polygamist. Bob Denard, son! He must’ve woke up really early.
* 2000 – Al-Aqsa Intifada: Ariel Sharon visits Al Aqsa Mosque known to Jews as the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.
Probably not a biggie, right?
* 2008 – SpaceX launches the first ever private spacecraft, the Falcon 1 into orbit.
SPACE! Remember when Lance Bass was going into space? Does anyone remember that? I remember seeing something that he actually trained to be an astronaut for a bit. And I mean post boy band. Not pre. At some point after being in a boy band, he decided he wanted to go to space and someone thought that was an OK idea and let him train for some time. As far as I know, nothing came from it. Although he is openly gay nowadays. Go to the moon? Live your life openly having sex with dudes? It’s really a wash right there I’m guessing.
* 2009 – The military junta leading Guinea, headed by Captain Moussa Dadis Camara, sexually assaulted, killed and wounded protesters during a protest rally in a stadium called Stade du 28 Septembre.
Uhhhhh… what? I don’t even want to know how that happened. What a shitty event to end on. Fucking Guinea. Fucking Wikipedia. Fucking September 28th…
Actually… Let’s add two more:
*2009 – Jordan from Kristen Stewart Wants IT while fasting for Yom Kippur posts the first half of his fanfiction for Twilight and all of the world finds peace … minus Guinea
What? What? What? I’m the greatest.
*2010 – Jordan from Kristen Stewart Wants IT (who is still providing near daily happiness to much of the world) writes about this day and all rejoice and love him for it.
Ok? That’s better.
Amanda: Stare a whole through you wants IT.
Emma: Coy wants IT.
Blake: Playful wants IT.
Kristen: If these bitches weren’t here I would tear this God damn beach apart with you wants IT.