This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants It #12

Another week of Kristen Stewart Wants IT and another week in review. To be perfectly honest, it is not much of a “week” in review. By far the majority of these comments are from yesterday’s post, so it is closer to a “Thursday in review”. But we’ll keep that a secret between me, you, this Deer Park water bottle that I filled with vodka that I’m sipping from and my work computer’s website history which is primarily focused on four subjects: Kristen Stewart, football, cage fighting and Coco, Ice-T’s wife.

I don’t want to get off on a rant here… I feel like Coco’s ass will play a key role in our nation’s, if not the whole world’s, future. I stay awake at night thinking about Coco and her ass and I wonder what it is plotting next. Not only next, but what has it been the guerilla leader of already. I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but some days I fear her ass may have caused 9/11. Then other days I believe her ass is what gave the passengers on United 93 their strength to stand-up against the terrorists on their plane and thwart whatever plans they had in-store. I believe Coco’s ass either cures or causes cancer. Did Coco’s ass kill JFK? I don’t think so, but the word “assassinate” has “ass” in it twice and Coco’s ass is about the size of two big asses put together, so you connect the dots.

I wish there was a way I could figure out whether Coco’s ass was using its power for good or evil. I believe if I could just get my hands on it then maybe just maybe I will be able to determine the course of action our military and scientists need to take to ensure the safety of all humanity. Or once I come in contact with it I will disintegrate into dust. Or get shot by Ice-T. Regardless, I believe Coco’s ass can end all wars. Coco’s ass can unite all mankind under its glory and we will cease to fight because of our mutual love of absurdly big asses.

I gave blood yesterday

I did. I’m not bragging or anything. I’m not looking for any type of reward or anything. Actually, that’s bullshit. Sure I got to eat a couple of cupcakes because I “needed” to, but where is my motherfucking sticker? I never gave blood until May of this year. I was disgusted by their lack of stickers. Oh sure, they had enough Tasty Kake products to choke a horse, but what about enough stickers to choke a horse? I didn’t get an “I gave blood” sticker like I wanted. Also, why don’t I get a sticker for voting? Is there a sticker shortage in America? I want my emeffen stickers. I need some sticker reparations at this point. I’ve given blood twice and voted a few times. I should have at the very least 5 stickers and I have none. This is bullshit!

Why didn’t I give blood until recently? Tattoos. I have 9 and I didn’t get them all at once. You have to wait 12 months to give blood and until recently I had not had 12 months between tattoos to give blood. But, there is always a but, but this but is much smaller than Coco’s butt, but if you get a tattoo done in New Jersey then you don’t have to wait 12 months. I think you only have to wait from 24-48 hours after the tattoo to give blood. Another “win” for Jersey.  

You keep holding those Grand Tetons over his head until you get what you want.*

Before I comment, let me turn around for a second so you can TAKE YOUR KNIFE OUT OF MY BACK! Oh really? Oh really!?! OH REALLY!?! That is not how this game is played. I didn’t know we were “enemies”. You learn something new everyday, right? Yesterday we all seemed like friends or so I wrongly thought. Instead you are plotting to stop females from sending me pictures of their cleavage. I underestimated you and your evilness. I will not make the same mistake twice.

Maybe I am just a bitchy tease commenter after all

Yes.

Keira Knightley

She’s pretty. She looked great in the Pirates movies, Domino, King Arthur and Love Actually. She looked sickly thin in Atonement and I haven’t seen anything she has done since. I mentioned before I’m not a fan of the Pirates movies and the King Arthur movie suh-huh-cuh-huh-ked SUCKED. It wasn’t her fault those movies weren’t anything special, but I didn’t like them. Quick reasons why King Arthur sucked – shaky cam, terrible climactic battle, terrible villain, Stellan Skarsgaard has a Southern accent in the movie. Domino wasn’t a good movie either. It was cool looking and a cool idea with an interesting cast, but it made no sense and had no point. You did get to see her naked in it which was an excellent plot decision. Love Actually? I’m a fan. I saw it in the theaters and I’ve watched it on TV a few times and I’m not 100% sure, but I may own it on DVD. I own over 300 DVDs so it isn’t the easiest to remember what I do or do not own. If I do own it then I would not be at all embarrassed. Good movie. All in all, I don’t like the anorexic look some of the actresses fall prey to and Keira really hasn’t ever done any “acting” that I thought was anything special. But I’m open to it.

Original Iron Chef

I watched it. I watched it a bunch. I don’t watch the new Iron Chef. There are so many things about the original Japanese Iron Chef that I love that did not at all translate to the American Iron Chef. The insanity of the original Iron Chef and the constant interrupting with minor updates like “Chef Miyamoto is now cracking eggs on a different bowl than before” were incredible especially with the terrible English dubbing. I do like Mark Dacascos, but he is nothing compared to the ridiculous arrogance and pageantry of Chairman Kaga! The intro of the original Japanese show was fucking priceless. He didn’t taste food; he made that food his bitch. Long live Kaga! And the judging is so much different. I never knew who any of the Japanese celebrity judges were and I still don’t know who any of the American “celebrity” judges are now. But one of the Japanese celebrities every three episodes would be a Sumo wrestler! How can you top that? WWE wrestler, obviously. If Iron Chef America had John Cena or the Undertaker reviewing the food I would watch. But…

The main issue I have with the new version to the old version is the food they choose as the “challenge”. I watched one episode of Iron Chef America and the challenge food was chicken. Yep. What? CHICKEN!?! Seriously!?! That isn’t a “challenge”. I can cook chicken! I can think of 10 dishes to make with chicken in it! What type of challenge is CHICKEN!?! Meanwhile, the original Iron Chef would have “seagulls’ eyeballs” as their challenge food! The chefs wouldn’t even bat one of their own eyeballs when they would see that challenge food revealed. Did he say “seagull eyeballs”? I better get my ass up those steps real quick to get as many eyeballs I can grab because I have so many seagull eyeball recipes to prepare. I may need to make two trips to get more eyeballs. Those chefs would make 15 dishes each out of those eyeballs and they would all look terrific. “Look” terrific. I have watched tons of episodes of the original Iron Chef and I can’t remember a single dish prepared that I would have actually ate.

Sweater vests

I don’t own one. Not really a fan of the “sweater vest”. I remember I wore a sweater vest one time in my life. It was to high school one day randomly. I remember thinking that I looked pretty decent in it when I left for school. About half way through the day I thought to myself, “What in the fuck am I wearing a sweater vest for?” And I haven’t since. I’m white. Like a primer coat white. But I’m not that type of white. I’m not country club white or sailboating white. I’m physically exceedingly white. At the same time, I saw He Got Game in the theaters and have watched it maybe 25 times since then. I love He Got Game. Back to the sweater vest, sometimes the tie, shirt, sweater combination is too much. If the sweater rides high (vest or not) then what’s the point of the tie. I’ll wear the shirt with a sweater over it sans tie or I’ll just wear the shirt with the tie. Or I’ll wear a t-shirt that says “Campers Suck” (online videogame reference, I know, why am I single?) underneath my button up shirt with the tie to work without realizing that the “Campers Suck” can be seen very clearly through my shirt and then spend my day looking like I’m a psycho at work. True story.

Don’t you feel like those windshield de-icer squirt things are really kind of the car’s boobs?

No? I would think the headlights are the boobs. The “de-icer squirt things” could be the nipples, but those would be some weird boobs because the headlights and the “squirt things” are nowhere near each other. They also would be weird boobs because it is a car and these are car parts and not human parts. One of my favorite lines in movie history “I hope you have a big trunk because I’m putting my bike in it.” The way Steve Carell drunkenly says it and then the way Elizabeth Banks reacts is flawless “hey oh!”. None of this relates.

Also it is “headlights” and not “headlamps”. Seriously, “lamps”? I don’t fill them with oil and light a wick with a match. They’re “lights”.

im really looking forward to the imaginarium of doctor parnassus. love heath ledger. love johnny depp. love tom waits. but jude law seems like a dick.
with his good looks and illegitimate child and cigarettes.
hes so smug. and when i look at him i am confused as to whether or not i should have an orgasm or punch him in the face.

I’m glad this was brought up. I recently was talking about Jude Law and him being a dick. He is on Broadway nowadays doing Hamlet I think. He just so happened to get an apartment across the street from some NYU dorms. And he just so happens to do his workouts on an outdoor deck in full view of these dorms. Naturally he draws a lot of attention from girls while he do these workouts and living there in general. He recently started throwing fruit at the girls who are watching him because it is an homage to people throwing fruit to actors back… oh who fucking cares. SHUT THE FUCK UP JUDE LAW!

You’re fairly young. Good looking. Rich. Girls want to fuck you. You needed to get an apartment in NYC. Naturally you chose to get it directly across the street from where a ton of college chicks live. And you get half naked and stretch outside for them all to see. Since you are British that means you are naturally full of yourself and an asshole. Not to say that British people can’t overcome this inherent genetic trait, but Jude isn’t. Not “all” British people are assholes, but that’s like saying not all “Chinese people” are Chinese. Sure some “Chinese people” are actually from Japan or Korea or the Philippines, but seriously there are 1.3 billion Chinese people and if you see an “Asian” person who isn’t “Indian” (1.6 BILLION!) then the safe bet would be that they are Chinese. But I digress.

I don’t really follow tabloid stuff, so I don’t really know all the details of him cheating on his wife, but I remember an average looking babysitter was involved. Sienna Miller was involved I think as well. Sienna Miller is very hot and so fucking stupid. It amazes me that every time I see her name appear on the IMDB “news” page that it is for her saying something ridiculously stupid again. Stop talking! Same with Megan Fox. She’s always saying stupid shit. Stop it! You are ruining this for me! Don’t these people have managers or PR people or handlers that stop them from saying the idiocy they are always saying. Fuck. But I digress.

Closer. I love the movie Closer. I love Jude in it, Natalie in it, Clive in it and even Julia Roberts in it. But what is the most telling quality of that movie (not the best part of the movie because that would go to the scene with Clive and Natalie at the strip club where Natalie is in a thong or the really best scene of the movie where Clive and Julia argue about her fucking Jude) that I believe speaks volumes about Jude Law? I buy that he would hit a woman. I completely and totally buy it. His character is supposed to be the romantic. He is the soft, thoughtful, nice, good guy in comparison to the brash, rough, mean, guy that Clive Owen plays. But in the end, it is Jude’s character that slaps Natalie Portman across the face. Not Clive and all his yelling and screaming and brutishness. And I buy it. I think Jude was perfect for that role that because when he slaps this girl, after finding out she doesn’t love him anymore after he pressed her about sleeping with Clive Owen, I think he looks like a guy who would slap a woman. I think it has to do with him being a little foppish, good looking, roughly the same size as most women, arrogant and the type of dick at 37 years old who would hurl fruit at college girls. Come on guy. There is a time and place to throw fruit at college girls and that is called COLLEGE and you’re not in it.  

And sure I’m jealous of Jude Law. Women, money, talented actor, throwing fruit at NYU chicks. But I could kick the shit out of him I believe. So, he may lead a much better life than I, but if that dude throws fruit at me I’ll break his limey neck. But before I do I will tell him how much I love Closer, I Heart Huckabees, Cold Mountain, Road to Perdition, and that I don’t particularly love Gattaca, but I watch it for at least a half hour anytime I see it on TV.

FERN GULLY! That is totally what I picture when I watch those trailers. Fern Gully with guns. It would be epic if they had Tone Loc voicing one of those aliens.

Yes, it does appear that Avatar may or may not be Fern Gully with guns. I’m fine with that. Although if Tone Loc was the voice of any of those aliens my head would explode. Tone Loc is/was the man. But I know that Tone Loc isn’t voicing any alien and now Avatar is already slipping in how much I will like it from 3 Kristen Stewart wants IT heads to 2.5 now.

And with that, I hope you have a good weekend.