First and foremost, great job Cledbo.

Second, http://www.asylum.com/2010/05/12/weirdest-fitness-products-at-arnold-schwarzenegger-sports-fest-expo/

Go to this website and see me in video form with Dawgz. You can hear us talk, you can see us move, Arnold Schwarzenegger is there and so is Snooki. Just click on the link, watch the videos, and comment – PLEASE! I ask for very little outside of you coming to KSWI everyday and commenting obsessively and sending me bikini pictures. So just do this for me and make these videos the most popular videos of all time. Thanks.

That is for the benefit for all humankind and, especially, the ones without twitter. I posted the link on twitter yesterday. I twitted it. So for all of you who don’t twit twit. You all are not down with twit twit. For the ones who are not down with the twit twit. The twit twit. I’m singing this in falsetto like Jason Derulo. The twit twit. Talking ’bout the twit twit. The world of twit twitting to others. Prostituting my links to others on twit twit. On twit twit! Just talking ’bout my twit twit … account. Just talking ’bout my twit twit(!)… account. You are my unforgiving mistress! Oh twit twit! Just talking ’bout that twit twit. Give me some of that twit twit. Typing on my twit twit. Snacking on some twit twit. Quenching my thirst with some twit twit. Getting drunk in the club on that twit twit. Preventing unwanted babies by putting a twit twit on my twit twit!

I’m pretty sure everyone and, especially, their mother have seen the video of 12 year old Greyson Michael Chance singing/playing Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” on the piano at his school’s talent show. This video is also known as “Greyson Michael Chance teaches every young girl what it feels like to be a woman.”

I fucking love it. I fucking LOVE it! I MOTHERFUCKING LOVE THE FUCKING LOVE OUT OF THIS MOTHERFUCKING VIDEO!

I do not know Greyson. It would be kind of weird if I did know some random 12 year old boy in Oklahoma, that is unless he really likes Kristen Stewart, the want, and reading 2000 words a day posts and then commenting on them. But I digress, I don’t know the kid. BUT you don’t need to to understand every fucking beautiful second of this video. It is all there in the shocked, awed, charmed, stunned, and WANTING, definitely WANTING, faces of the girls in the background of the video! Holy fucking fuckity fuckin’ fuck these chicks want IT. And “it” being a miniaturized Greyson Michael Chance in a music box that they can carry in their purse and open at anytime and he’ll play Lady Gaga on his little piano for them and ONLY them.

I fucking love this video! And so does everyone else.

Greyson in all his prepubescent glory singing the GAGA, singing the Lady’s operas, in a room of apparently all XX chromosomes (are there no boys in this school outside of Greyson? Or are they all separated into male and female sections because Oklahoma operates like the Bible is current events?) was on every webpage on the ethereal internet yesterday. Then I turn on ABC’s World News Now and Diane Sawyer is talking about the video. I wouldn’t be surprised if Couric was doing the same and even cynical Brian Williams had to have said something about it too. AND TODAY! Today, Greyson Michael Chance will be appearing on the television show of television shows E-L-L-E-N! ELLEN! The fucking Ellen Degeneres show! The white Oprah! She twit twitted yesterday that she was having the wunderkind on and she had never been more excited. Why? Because he is fucking Greyson “slinging that rock in the streets” Michael C-to the-H-to the-A-to the-N-to the-C-to the-E CHANCE bitches! The kid is a superstar.

Before I get even crazier per usual, let me say my two coherent thoughts I feel like saying.

1. Lady Gaga is the biggest. BIGGEST! We are being bombarded with videos dedicated to or in tribute to Gaga on the reg now. Marines in Afghanistan doing “Telephone” music video remakes. College kids remaking “Bad Romance”. Gaga’s next music video is the song “Alejandro” which is presumably about a Latin lover of hers who stole apart of her glitter covered heart. The video hasn’t even debuted yet, but there are dozens of fan made videos for the song on youtube already. She is on a global tour that will culminate with her headlining Lollapalooza. There have been a lot of pop stars to rise to Heavenly glory during my time on this Earth. Britney Spears being one of them. And Britney was the BIGGEST and still is huge. But Britney never left being a pop star. She never headlined a rock and roll tour. Britney made girlie girl music for a very long time and there was large chunks of the population not buying into it. But Lady Gaga is becoming the new Madonna. I can’t wait for A League Of Their Own remake with Lady Gaga in it.

2. Greyson is good. Real good. Sincerely, the kid is good. He is great on the piano and great singing. Even better is his showmanship where he dramatically pauses before some parts. The kid knows what he’s doing up there.

Back to whatever…

ARE YOU WATCHING THIS VIDEO!?! It is like a want factory in there! Little GMC (just noticed that his initials are the same as the car company’s) is a turbine churning the unfettered want through to power the state of Oklahoma. Look at those girls in the background! Every single one of them is pouring want out of them like Twilight was playing on 60 different TV screens in front of them all stuck on one of the many slow-mo shots of Fake-Rob and Fake-Taylor taking their shirts off.

I’m not saying that the want in that room is reaching Kristen Stewart capacity, but it is damn close. It certainly is besting Jessica Biel or George Clooney on any given day. I’m just saying imagine if Kristen Stewart goes rogue. She turns on humanity and becomes a wondering doomsday weapon just waiting to go off and is intermittently killing civilians with just a hint of her power. If we needed to construct a Dr. Frankenstein’s monster to combat Kristen Stewart then FINALLY we have the solution. Take unassuming 12 year old Oklahomian boy Greyson Michael Chance and put him in a room with completely no expectations having girls and let the boy PLAY GAGA!

Of course, we would also need a corpse or a live willing subject to be the host of this experiment. We would funnel all the want into them and flip the switch and hopefully they don’t just explode from want overload. Actually! Even better idea! We all know the storyline of Final Fantasy VII, right? RIGHT!?! Well, when the Diamond Weapon is out of control they use the big mako cannon of Midgar to kill it. So all we need is a giant cannon and funnel all the want into that and then fire that want bomb off like the guns of the Navarone! We will only have one shot at this, so make it good.

Back to the video, these girls WANT IT! They want GMC! Ladies Love Cool G!

The storyline to this video to me is such, Greyson Michael Chance has never spoken more than one word to any human being at his school minus the piano/music teacher. He is quiet, but polite. He shyly smiles, but completely keeps to himself. Meanwhile, everyday he goes home and practices his piano and singing to the only audience he knows: his mother, piano teacher, and Mr. Evers – the 83 year old Korean War veteran who sits in his wheelchair all day everyday on the front porch next door, alone ever since his wife Camille died 6 years earlier from a hang gliding accident in which a hang glider lost control of the glider and it kamikazied her in the head while she was tending to her rose bushes in the front yard. Virtually no one knew of Greyson’s singing or piano playing abilities. He had sharpened his skills in private all these years and when he took to the stage not a single person in the crowd gave it a second thought. But then!… But then… But the… But th… But t… But… Bu… B… …

GREYSON BLOOMS LIKE THE MOST GLORIOUS FLOWER IN EXISTENCE RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES!

Like Socrates and Plato’s theory of forms, the perfect flower, the form of a flower, the pure essence of a flower is on stage playing the piano and singing to them the Lady’s words! The Gaga’s melodies! AND. THEY. WANT. IT! Look at their fucking faces! TELL ME I’M WRONG! Those girls would be less shocked if Greyson got on stage and ripped off his own face to reveal he was a 6 headed Robert Pattinson, Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, Alexander Skarsgard, Taye Diggs, Mauricio “Shogun” Rua mythical beast bringing Armageddon to dry panties the world over.

To paraphrase Watchmen: The Superman does exist and he is American. He is Greyson Michael Chance. So you can fuck off now, Justin Bieber.

Questions for Friday.

I am sunburnt.

For all of yous who were worried about my pale white skin – GOOD NEWS – there is no need to worry anymore. I am a very rosy red right now. I look like I just finished a marathon except I’m not sweating. A non-sweating marathon runner. A non-sweating marathon runner who is nowhere in-shape enough to run a marathon or even a part of a marathon. That’s what I look like. An out of shape, non-sweating, marathon runner. Or some guy who HAD pale skin who was outside no where near an umbrella’s shade for a lot longer than he was expecting yesterday and is now sunburnt.

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Wearing a suit is coming in quite handy today. Besides my face being burnt, so are my arms and part of my legs. The way people react to my sunburnt face is one thing, but if they saw my arms then they would probably quarantine me for anti-burn medication experiments.

I am tired. I am tired usually, but being sun burnt makes me feel even more tired. I am fairly energy free right now. I’m yawning. I’m also really missing the welcoming feeling of a cool dark room with a bed in it for me to just wait out this sunburn in.

Today’s post will be about pop music. Random, miscellaneous, stream of consciousness about some good ole’ fashioned chicks with good voices singing pop music. Today’s femme fatale artists are Selena Gomez, Orianthi and, of-fucking-course, Lady Gaga.

Selena Gomez

Until Saturday, I could have picked Selena Gomez out of a line-up and that’s about it. I knew of the existence of Selena Gomez. I knew she was some fabulous jail bait for the past few years. She is 17 and turning 18 this summer. I could only guess that she was in something for Disney. I could not tell you with certainty any movie or TV show or anything that she has been in. I am not sure I have ever even heard her talk. For the most part, I just know she is young, cute and it was a big deal when the paparazzi got pictures of her in a bikini once.  

What happened Saturday? I was confronted with the fact that I am a Selena Gomez fan. Who fucking knew? The past few weeks on the radio, I keep hearing this song with this great declaration chorus – “You are the thunder and I am the lightning!” I had no idea who sang it. As much pop radio as I listen to for whatever reason nowadays, I never seem to get a better grasp of the names of the artists who are singing these ridiculous songs. But I’ve been digging the song, mostly because of the chorus – “You are the thunder and I am the lightning!”

I had absolutely no clue that Selena Gomez sang this song or even what the song was called. It is “Naturally” by Selena Gomez & The Scene. I don’t know who “The Scene” is at all. I don’t know why exactly, but I never would have guessed that a brunette sang this song. In my mind, it was a Cascada looking lady. I was really expecting a blonde. Also, the video for the most part is a bad rip off of The White Stripes’ “Seven Nation Army”. I would have made this video much better. I wouldn’t have ripped off The White Stripes. I would have ripped off “Fire” by Charlene – from the greatest movie ever The Last Dragon. Obviously, replace the “fire” with “thunder and lightning” and you have yourself a fucking VIDEO MUSIC AWARD 4 LIFE!

That chorus is perfect for my favorite over-the-top dramatic stage movements. “You are the thunder!” – That is a confident point right there. You don’t even have to point your finger, just a confident angular gesture with one or more fingers parallel to the ground. An outstretched arm with the fingers spread wide facing your target like you’re Magneto. Also for good measure you can add in a Shania Twain-esque rhythmic foot stomp. Oh I’m just making it perfectly obvious that you, yes you – the one I’m extended my arm to, are the thunder and I’m solidifying that point by stomping my foot along to this beat.

This is followed by the patented turn your hand inward into a fist and bringing it close to your chest – all dramatically – for “And I am the lightning!” It is a humbling moment for the both of us. You are the thunder and I am the lightning. It makes perfect fucking sense. This revelation that I am the lightning needs to be shown by myself capturing that knowledge with my hand and then bringing it close to my heart.

Feel free to compliment this classic dance movement with side-to-side head bobbing, hip shaking, foot stomping or flip of your hair. All this can be performed standing or sitting in your car while driving. If you are a straight male in his late 20’s with tattoos who spent much of his formative years at metal, hardcore and punk shows then I would suggest keeping your windows all the way rolled up and turn the air conditioning off just for the duration of this song. There is a conspiracy going around that when the air conditioning is on some of the music sounds actually leak out the vents and alert people of the outside world that you are listening to the girliest pop music and they should shame stare you.

Footnote: if you are stopped at a red light or all alone in your apartment with the shades pulled down, feel free to use both hands/arms ambidextrously. If you are using both arms and standing then you must run in place like you are a linebacker about to make a tackle. These are the laws of pop music; not my laws.

Orianthi

 

I have been meaning to write about “According to You” by Orianthi for a very long time. I had been worrying I was over saturating you all with the dissecting the lyrics of songs posts. So this won’t be a full run through of the lyrics, but a partial one. The song itself is a girl pop rocker similar to Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone” (which is the greatest song ever as we all know). The storyline in “According to You” is flat-out priceless!

Orianthi and “you” are going out. It seems like “you” and Orianthi have been going out for awhile too. Seems like “you” and Orianthi have not been getting along recently. It also seems like “you” have had some choice observations about Orianthi. Apparently, “you” said Orianthi was stupid, useless, she can’t do anything right, difficult, hard to please, and she has zero convictions. Then “you” can’t help “your”self and say Orianthi is a mess in a dress and not punctual. Sounds like there are problems in paradise, am I right?

Orianthi is sick of “you”. Orianthi’s solution is to get hit on perpetually by some other guy. More or less this song is Orianthi rationalizing cheating on “you” or dumping “you”. While “you” and Orianthi are in a fight, this new guy is telling Orianthi that she is the greatest, most interestingest, the bestest, prettiest girl in the world. This guy thinks Orianthi is beautiful, incredible, he can’t get her out of his head, she’s funny, irresistible and, the topper of toppers, Orianthi is everything he ever wanted.

What should “your” reaction be: what the eff, guy? Why don’t you stop hitting on my girlfriend? Of course, the new guy thinks you are incredible, irresistible, and he can’t get you out of his head – he just fucking met you. He hasn’t had the time to hear you belly ache about not having enough shoes or remember that time you got so drunk you threw up all over the back seat of my car? I’m sure the new guy would still think you are “everything he ever wanted” when that was going on. Asshole.

I’m not saying “you” isn’t an asshole as well. I don’t know “you”. “You” could be a total dickhead for all I know. But it just sounds like Orianthi is a little infatuated with what men like to call “new pussy”. At some point, a relationship stops being make-out sessions and steamy sex and turns into now we livin’ together. And in that world, the guy isn’t full of hyperbolic compliments and the gal becomes a nag. Why don’t you fix the garbage disposal? Why don’t you drive me to the mall? Why are you drunk at 2pm? Baseball is on! That’s why I’m drunk! Do you know how hard it is to watch baseball sober? It’s impossible. Also, it is 80 degrees out and I’m thirsty, so I’ve drank a 12 pack of beer. Do you want me to drink a 12 pack of Gatorade? Do you know how much sodium that would be? It would be unhealthy.

Lady Gaga

The ever amazing Lady Gaga is headlining Lollapalooza this year. I really want to go. There are an incredible amount of incredible bands playing this year and the Gaga is playing too. Dawgz had an ingenious idea that Lady Gaga should cover a Cars song, namely “Let’s Go”, at Lollapalooza. I have been twatting a variation of this sentiment everyday and will continue to.

The reason I think this is a brilliant idea is that it would fucking floor the hipster kids at Lollapalooza. The Cars are an excellent band from the 80’s with all the hit singles. If you’re listening to a song from the 80’s and you aren’t sure who sang it then there is a 75% chance The Cars sang it. And Lady Gaga is most definitely an 80’s creation. She sounds like Madonna, she sounds like Annie Lennox, she sounds and even looks like the 80’s.

The hipsters are going to be skeptical of Ms. Gaga. That’s what hipsters do – they’re cynical creatures. Cynical for the sake of being cynical. But Gaga is going to give them the dance party extravaganza that they know deep down they will love. But if she also extended a hipster olive branch and covered a rock song like “Let’s Go” she and the hipsters will mate for life!

And, seriously, what the fuck is Ric Ocasek up to that he couldn’t join Gaga on stage for this cover? I know that Ric still makes music and still has an INSANELY hot wife. He also does guest spots on the Colbert Report from time to time. So why not? Why not cover “Let’s Go” by The Cars? Why not have Ric Ocasek walk on stage during the second set of lyrics and blow all those stupid hipsters’ minds? Why the fuck not!?! Gaga did that duet with Elton John and that was cool, but Elton John is a duet whore. He’ll duet with anyone. I know I’ve dueted with Sir Elton at least twice and those are just the duets I remember. With all the coke we were doing Elton and I could have dueted 5 maybe even 6 times. A duet between Gaga and The Cars would be a billion times more unique.

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So, I really would like this to happen. I’m not sure how to make it happen though. I am only one man, one man with a dream of Lady Gaga playing “Let’s Go” with Ric Ocasek at Lollapalooza. I will continue to post it on twitter. But if you all could share in this dream with me! Help me spread this message of fusing catchy 80’s synth rock and the GAGA! Petitions? Sure make a petition! Facebook pages? Start them! Please help me make this beautiful shining dream into a reality! We need to convince the Lady Gaga to do this.

If not for me, do it for the sake of the children. And helping out a sunburnt man.

Another week done and another week ahead of me. There were a good deal of questions for last Friday and I didn’t want to discourage your questioning by only answering three of the questions. Much of today’s post will be the sanctioned answering of those questions. Also, I am feeling pretty lackluster today. Not sick- just lacking luster. I’m dull.

I had been using Mondays to self-aggrandize my weekends. I didn’t do too much this weekend. Unless you all would like to hear the trials and tribulations of me nearly reaching “Prestige” mode in Call of Duty 4 Modern Warfare 2 then I have little to write hyperbole about. It is cold in Jersey, thus I stayed in Friday night watching movies. I stayed in Saturday night watching movies and then the Strikeforce fights on Showtime. Sunday I watched Band of Brothers, Big Love and then re-watched Not Another Teen Movie because it is criminally underrated.

Even my love of football was no match for energylessness. I didn’t watch a minute of the Pro Bowl game which was on Sunday night. I watched more of the Grammys than the Pro Bowl. Of the Grammys, Dawgz and I watched the opening of the show where Lady Gaga sang “Poker Face” and then did a duet with Elton John. Dawgz was feeling pretty psychic that Ms. “Ga” “Ga” was going to open the show. And we are an apartment that does not miss the Gaga when there is Gaga to get.

I have a few thought on a couple movies I watched this weekend:

The Decline of the American Empire – Huge fan of the sequel. I am a huge fan of the sequel to this movie, The Barbarian Invasions. I am not a huge fan of this movie though. It was ok. It is a French Canadian film about a group of college professors who both share intellectual conversation and each other’s semen. Or I mean outside of the gay guy. Or basically the two straight guys have sex with the two women and then there’s the one guy’s wife who only has sex with her husband, but she fantasizes about cheating, but doesn’t. Whatever. The sequel is much better.

I guess people should see this movie first before the sequel, but you don’t have to. I didn’t. I saw The Barbarian Invasions when it came out on DVD and I didn’t see this movie until Saturday even though it came out 20 years earlier. The Barbarian Invasions is just a much better movie through and through. The Decline of the American Empire is more of an intellectual handjob for itself than there are discussions of handjobs in the movie and there is a lot of discussion on handjobs. It’s not bad, it’s just not as good as other things…. like a handjob.

For people who have seen the movie or are planning on seeing it, I have three points I would like to make:

1. Bitches hatin’ bitches – If you would like to see a classic example of bitches hatin’ bitches then fast forward to the scene after the dinner. The first hour of the movie is leading you to a dinner. The guys are all preparing the dinner and the girls are all working out and getting ready for the dinner. I should say men and women because they are all much older than me, but whatevs. After the dinner is over, there is a scene where they are drinking aperitifs. This scene has got some bitches hatin’ bitches. I’m not going to force you to watch the other 80 minutes leading up to this point so I’ll do a quick spoiler. The lady with the Pat Benatar hair cut is the wife of one of the two guys in glasses. Easier, the blonde has had sex with both guys wearing glasses. The wife does not know this. The two women are having a discussion about happiness and life. The Kevin Bacon in Footloose haircut having wife disagrees with the blonde and guess what happens? BITCHES HATIN’ BITCHES.

2. Attractive men? Or sluts? – Speaking of the blonde and her promiscuous vajeen, there is a brunette with an equally wandering whale’s eye. The two of them are bestest friends. Both women have slept with tons of men and two of those men are the two four-eyed best friends of theirs. Both of these men are married or have been married when these women have sexed them good. There is a scene after the above “bitches hatin’ bitches” scene where another guy questions the blonde why she slept with one of the prescription eye glasses wearing man even though she knew he was married and knew his wife. The guy is not good looking and why would she go out of her way to sleep with this ugly guy who is also married. She gets high and mighty and explains how he really enjoys sex and that is magnetic and most men don’t truly enjoy sex … and… what … the … fuck… ever. I am a little more pragmatic with my opinions and I just think this French Canadian professor is a slut. *shrugs* So is this brunette. I know this is before the internet and before OkCupid, but she could find a guy who is not married. They work together, she’s a horn dog, and he has a loose concept of monogamy – BOOM – that’s about as philosophical as we need to get. No need for flowery phrases – if they weren’t big sluts and flagrantly throwing their pussy all over this college campus then they wouldn’t be in this situation.

3. The main character guy takes his Anthony Michael Hall in The Breakfast Club haircut having wife to a swinger’s party. He leaves her to have sex with two women. And she has sex with some man. About 30 minutes later in the movie, she finds out the blonde banged her husband. She freaks the fuck out. Am I missing something? Didn’t you watch him go have a threesome and then you got nailed by a dude you don’t even know his name in the same freakin’ house at the same freakin’ time? How could this be a surprise that he cheated on you outside of that time he cheated on you with two women while you were cheating on him with one guy at a party you two went to to specifically cheat on each other?

Word of advice to the ladies: If you end up at a “swinger’s party” with your husband and/or fiancé and/or boyfriend – your man cheats on the reg. Like all the time. Like every time you can’t physically see him not having sex with another woman, there is a high probability he is having sex with another woman. You don’t end up at a swinger’s party by accident. Life is not a sitcom.

And go see The Barbarian Invasionsit is an excellent film.

The Book of Eli – One month into 2010 and this was the first movie I have seen in the theaters. I have seen almost every movie that Denzel Washington has been in, so why not. Definitely not a good movie. Definitely not as bad as it could have been. Not to give too much plot away, there really isn’t much to give away, there is a scene where Denzel Washington is offered Mila Kunis. By offered, I mean he gets to sex her up for freezy and for however long as he feels like. Gary Oldman plays Mila’s step-father in the movie. He is offering Mila up as an enticement to get Denzel to join his murderous marauders motorcycle man militia. Denzel turns this down.

Let me explain this to you. It is a post-apocalyptic world where people are doing anything they can to survive, food is scarce, water is scarce, soap is the scarcest, and pretty much everyone on Earth is dead. Denzel rolls into a town of vagrants. Denzel kills a bunch of them with his machete. The pseudo Mayor of the town offers Denzel food, water, shelter, and (if that is not enough) Mila Kunis to join his gang. As apart of this gang, you spend your days driving around the desert that is this world and assault anyone you find and steal any books they have. Denzel turns this down.

I will go on the record: I WOULD HAVE JOINED THAT GANG IN AN INSTANT!!!!

I would join that gang right the fuck now. I’m talking in this pre-apocalyptic society. Right the fuck now. If some crazy guy offered me Mila Kunis to join some gang right this second where I would ride around on a motorcycle killing innocents to find some copy of the Bible. I’d do it. I would do that right now. Can’t we just pick a copy up from the library? NO! You need to kill civilians for this Bible and it may take your whole life. Ok. I’m on board because Mila Kunis is kind of the hottest so yeah, I’ll go kill so innocent people in the street on my motorcycle.

Questions

Apples stuffed with sausage??? What is this culinary delight of which you speak?

Is casa de K$WI Jordan (featuring Dawgz) Over or Under?

“Over or Under” what? I’m not really sure what this means. Someone suggested you meant wiping. If that is the case then what? Is this really what you want to know? How I wipe? I feel like this website has taken a very odd turn. I hope you are referring to anything besides wiping. I generally find any of your fascination with me and my opinions to be a negligent waste of your time, but this might take the cake. If the theory that learning something new may take the place of something old you learned then learning how I wipe myself with easily be the most useless piece of information you will ever know. Anything ever is better to have in your head than that information.

Can you plan a (kosher-friendly, please) menu for my next week of dinners?

– Breaded chicken, spaghetti and tomato sauce.

– Salmon marinated in teriyaki sauce with wild rice.

– Pizza

– Bison burgers – no cheese.

– Tilapia marinated in lemon pepper with vegetarian baked beans.

That work? I’m not a greens guy, so add salads, green beans, asparagus et cetera wherever.

Can we please stop talking about old people having sex?

I guess not. I talked about 40 year olds having sex with The Decline of the American Empire. And they’re even older 20 years later in The Barbarian Invasions. I talk a lot about young people having sex too, so I haven’t forgot about the good kind of sex versus the “bad” kind. I’m not racist and I’m not homophobic, if anything I’m ageist so I’m just battling my own prejudice by picturing old people doing it in nasty ways. Also, it makes my site unique. I don’t even think the AARP has a list of 60 year old dudes that are bangable for all ages. They should. They should just take my list and spread the wealth.

Here’s one for you then – what would your lady-opposite have to be interested in for you to put up with her doing/liking things you hate? I’d say football, but would that be enough?

Not football. I can tell you that. I don’t want to argue with some chick about football. I have that already with most of my friends. If anything I want a refuge from that. Listen, I love football. I love Peter King. I read his Monday morning football column every week and it is about the favorite thing I read every week all year. But I don’t want to fuck Peter King. And I don’t want to share a bed with Peter King either. I’m sorry Pete, but no. I’m not looking for the female version of Peter King. I’m not looking for the female version of MMA encyclopedia Stephen Quandros either. I’m not sure what the answer is here.

Could she be really interested in looking hot dressing up in cosplay inspired costumes all the time? Not when company is over or anything. Just when we’re hanging out. I feel like I could deal with pretty much all the problems if this happened. For example, she made plans that on Tuesday night we have to eat dinner with her lame ass friends – but she is telling me this information while wearing the Sailor Moon costume. I think I would be cool with it.

You do remember I said half of their relationship was politics and the other half was hate fucking, right? So half of their relationship is an intellectual common interest and the other half is primal sex. How about half of this hypothetical relationship is allowing each other to have our time to explore our favorite interests (ie please just let me watch the NFL in peace) and the other half can be sexy Japanese inspired costumes? Deal?

I will say this right now if I have to dress up as well – majority of my cosplay outfits will be characters who just wear shirts and pants like a normal person. I’m not wearing any weird leather and wings and so forth. I’m just saying Naruto wears an orange track suit and I will be dressed as Naruto a lot.

Is the Australian accent an attractive accent?

From what I can tell, American chicks dig all foreign accents. Also, who says your accent is Australian? It could be English, it could be South African, it could even be Irish or Scottish. Who knows? Drunk chicks at bars? They don’t know. They have no idea. If she says you have a nice English accent and she has always wanted to live in London – then guess what? YOU’RE FROM LONDON! You grew up there and you can tell her all about it. It is a wonderful place that is remarkably like whatever movies you’ve seen set in London. I’ll give you one for free – it rains there a lot. Take it and run with it. She will not know the difference.

Another piece of advice, if you do say you’re from Australia – you surf. Yep. I don’t know if you surf or not, but you do when you’re talking to a chick at a bar or party. What do you have to lose? Is she going to call your bluff and make you surf? How can she possibly figure out if you’re lying or not? You’re from Australia so naturally you surf. Anyone from Hawaii can legitimately say they surf and people will at least give them the benefit of the doubt. Any Asian – all 3 billion of them – can say they know at least a little martial arts. Why not?

Also, you have had an encounter with a kangaroo and a koala. I’ve said before people love animal stories. You’re from Australia, which means you quite possibly have lived in similar situations as Crocodile Dundee. I’m not saying you have killed drug dealers or anything, but you have encounter “crocs” out in the wild or snakes or Aborigines et cetera. You’ve eaten bat meat. I’m just saying these are things you could be saying. There should be no lull in convo from your side because the possibilities are endless… unless she is from Australia and if you travel all the way to America to hit on an Australian girl then you are just not thinking clearly enough for me to give you any terrible advice I can give you.

What’s your opinion on the iPad launch?

Kindle be dead. That’s really all I think about it. I’m surprised how many Apple products I own. But I can’t imagine an iPad will be one of them. I already use my Macbook Pro as an iPad pretty much. And if I do ever purchase an iPad it will be years from now after my disdain for the iPad has softened and moved onto a new subject.

How do you get your dick caught in your zipper if you wear underwear?

I don’t know who your friends are, but they’re lying if they said they have never got their dick caught in the zipper of their pants before. First and foremost, you don’t pee through your underwear. The little man comes out of the underwear and sometimes impatience doesn’t allow him to make a safe exit from the metal teeth of the zipper. Also, I imagine that even men who go “over the fence” (is that the phrase) when they pee have also zippered their dick.

It’s just something that happens. Everyone has bitten their tongue, walked into a door, tripped going up one step or a curb, choked on their own spit, poked themselves in eye et cetera. Stupid shit. Unless their crotch has lived a zipper free existence then they have zipped up too quickly and felt a pain so horrific there hasn’t been a language discovered sufficient enough to explain it.

What’s a taquito?

It is a fried burrito that is warmed on the same metal rollers as a hot dog at a convenience store aka “heart disease”.

This is the opening chapter of the book that I posted a random chapter of last Friday. I will also post a random chapter tomorrow. I thought I should at least post the first chapter sooner than later. It is a short chapter. Shorter than the other chapter and filled with less horror sex like the last one. To fill the void in your holidays here is the first chapter. Sorry it isn’t longer, that’s what she said.

Hmmm… I’ll also add in a music video to make this post feel longer. I like Lady Gaga. I like Francis Lawrence. And guess what? They made a video together. “Bad Romance” is the first single as far as I know from Lady Gaga’s new album “Fame Monster”. And you read that correctly, I do like Lady Gaga. She looks great in this video. The video and the song reminds me a lot of Annie Lennox and Madonna. I do have to say that I admit I am playing to my crowd a bit. I’m not posting videos of bands like The Chariott which I like as well (namely the song “Teach”). So I’ll stick to the dance/pop songs for this website.

If you do feel so inclined to hear more Lady Gaga or feel like memorizing things I prophesize and checking if they come true, the song “Teeth” by Lady Gaga is going to be huge.

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10:33am – Wednesday

My name is Benjamin Calthase and I am a 24 year old graduate of a small liberal arts university you have never heard of with a BA in Sociology and a minor in Computer Engineering. I am 6 foot 2 and 200 pounds. I am white, I have sandy blonde hair, green eyes, I am out of shape and I have begun to question the decisions in my life that have led me to this present failure where I currently reside.

My dignity aside, I am wearing a white t-shirt splattered with condiment stains, basketball shorts I’ve never played basketball in and a pair of knee high white tube socks. I am watering my driveway. Technically it is not my driveway. It is my parents’ driveway. I have a garden hose in my right hand and I am slowly turning like a sprinkler soaking my parents’ new paved driveway. Unless this is a practical joke that my parents have pulled on me, you need to water a new paved driveway. It might be because it is the middle of summer and 90+ degrees with even more humidity here in residential suburban New Jersey. I didn’t bother to ask why I needed to water the driveway because it was not like I could say no.

I am unemployed and spend my days playing Call of Duty, jerking off, eating fast food, jerking off, watching my dog, downloading porn for tomorrow and wondering when God will grant/bestow upon me one of the jobs I randomly apply to online. Alluring subjects like “Entry-level” and “No experience required”, how could I not send them my pencil thin resume and a half-assed cover letter feigning all the excitement one could have for a data entry position at a non-profit for barely above minimum wage.

I’m sweating it is so hot. I’m just standing here watching the hose spew out gallon after gallon of clean water onto this hot black asphalt driveway. All I can think about are the poor Africans that we, Americans, are always so concerned about. Each and every one of those poor bastards dying in a genocide, dying from diseases, all dying from not having clean water and here I am in New Jersey standing here just hosing down this inanimate mass that I park my car on with the very same water that could save all their lives. That whole continent is just dying. Always dying.

Just imagine someone in some distant country taking all the edible food that one would need to keep them alive and taking that food and spreading it all over the ground and then running it all over with their car. I feel shitty about this. It is such a waste.

I’m hungry…

I don’t feel like making anything. I think I’ll just order a pizza. I should order it as soon as I finish this watering. You know what? I think I’ll download some of those porn videos where there is a pizza delivery guy and he sticks his dick through a hole in the bottom of the box and the half-naked fake boobed housewife or a freshman sorority chick he delivers it to opens the box and says something about wanting his big sausage. That will be a good theme for the day: eat a pizza then jerkoff to porn videos with pizza in it. I need to think of something to identify today from every other day or I won’t have any frame of reference. All these days bleed into each other and they never end.

Those poor Africans. All this water could be theirs. All this clean cold water for a lifeless slab of road for my parents to put their cars on.

Oh yeah, I live with my parents. Pathetic.

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Happy Thanksgiving.

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