What the hell is there to talk about?

I wrote this for the UFC – http://www.ufc.com/news/Browne-Working-to-Make-His-Dream-a-Reality

Football. But you girls always complain when I write about football. Not that that stops me from writing about it. I’m still hazy from waking up even after a cup of coffee and I want us to be friends maybe even more than friends, which I guess is enemies, but the best enemies start off as the greatest friends who eventually form a rift over one decision like which one of us gets the dream girl who is also a scientist. Anyway, I want to be friends.

With friendship comes help. Today, I will go through the rest of October, November, and December and what movies are worth at least a mention of moment right now. My words are the dime store hookers of the internet.

October

Today is the 12th, but if you haven’t seen The Social Network yet then you are easily missing out on arguably the best movie of this year. I mentioned It’s Kind of a Funny Story yesterday, which is worth seeing if you have time, but no rush. Definitely can be a rental unless you are simply dying to see Zach and his beard on the big screen one more time… one more time before his other movie comes out later and more on that later.

This Friday is Jackass 3-D and Red.

I am planning on seeing both. I am not for all this “3-D” rage, but I do want to see this movie. I just don’t want to sit around with glasses on watching TV. I probably should be wearing regular glass glasses from staring at computer screens and videogames that my eyes get strained sometimes. But I don’t want 3-D glasses. Even more so, I don’t want to see everything in 3-D.

There are things I can definitely live without seeing in 3-D. I don’t know how 3-D TV’s work if somethings are in 3-D and somethings are not, but I can certainly tell you that everything that flashes by on TV should not be in 3-D. Like I don’t want to see Brett Favre’s dick pics in 3-D. His flaccid photos are best viewed in my life one time and one time only through the cracks between my fingers like I’m a kid watching a horror movie.

Back to Jackass 3-D, I’m actually looking forward to this movie. I loved the first two Jackass movies and I was a huge fan of the show and the Big Brother and CKY predecessor movies. When did people all become dick pic experts anyway? I keep seeing people saying, “hey Brett don’t quit your day job.” As if that was an option. As if for a minute there Brett Favre was going to quit playing professional tackle football for the NFL or at least put it in jeopardy to start a career in porn. And not just quit football… other people can quit football. Football is Brett Favre and the other way with vice and the versa. The man has been playing every Sunday without missing a game since the George Bush administration… the real one… the one with both the H and the W. Is 502 touchdowns, 70,000+ yards and almost two decades of pure joy on the professional football field not good enough? They just want him to have a cock the size of a rolling pin. Priorities I suppose. Whores. So, I want to see Jackass and am guessing there will be a 3-D penis in it.

Red looks like it may be the one entertaining miscellaneous group of rogue agents this year as opposed to The Losers, A-Team, Expendables. I was not fearful until this year that there were secret agents out there that our government trained to kill that had now been screwed in some way and now we all need to watch the fuck out because they want payback. I’m pretty sure that every week either a horror movie, a rogue agent movie, or a romantic comedy that I would rather put a gun to my head than see comes out. Red has gotten some good reviews. Also, a lot of the other mentioned rogue agent groups have famous people in them, but not necessarily famous people who are also good actors. Helen Mirren, John Malkovich, Morgan Freeman, and Bruce Willis are great actors so there is the chance they’ll pull this off. Either way, I get bored and I’ll probably see it. Stuff blows up in it.

On the 29th, Welcome to the Rileys comes out. Kristen Stewart + stripping = why the fuck not?

Also, the movie Monsters is coming out in limited release. That movie looks interesting. I am hoping it is more like District 9 and The Host instead of Cloverfield.

November

127 Hours and Due Date look great… in very different ways. Due Date should be funny and a great adventure like Todd Phillips has proven he can do with Hangover and Road Trip. Meanwhile, 127 Hours should be an emotional journey about a man cutting his arm off before he dies trapped in the wilderness. So, they’re similar, but not that similar, right? I like Danny Boyle as a director and I like James Franco so 127 Hours should be great. And Due Date, everyone knows about that movie. We as a people now must love Robert Downey Jr. and rightfully people have fallen in love with fat Jesus Zach Galifianakis.

The following week, three movies come out that not only I don’t want to see, but I wouldn’t be opposed to be people never mentioning these movies in my presence for the rest of the years that I live on this planet: Skyline, Morning Glory, and Unstoppable. As for Skyline… yeck. As for Unstoppable… fucking really? Really? An unstoppable train? Is this how we allow Denzel Washington to spend his time. His mortal time should not be spent on terrible Tony Scott films. Stop this Tony Scott. There are only so many hours left with Denzel, why waste them on this and Taking Pelham 1 2 3. As for Morning Glory… well nothing will ever be greater than this

Harry Potter: Deathly Hallows part I – just fucking see it.

The Next Three Days looks good and wildly ludicrous. I am interested in seeing Russell Crowe creating a master plan to break someone out of prison, so there’s that. I think I’ve seen every Russell Crowe movie pretty much, so I might as well continue with it. At some point, I could be on Jeopardy and there could be a whole category dedicated to the man and I’ll ruin it and people will clap because that is what you are supposed to do when someone runs the table on a category.

Or I could be in situation more likely where Russell Crowe is about to attack me with an inanimate object and I could be like, “Woah there, sir. Woah there. I’ve seen ‘Master and Commander’ twice… in the theaters… and I would like to talk to you about why it did not get the widespread acclaim I think it deserved.” And he’ll steady his drunk rage filled self. Eventually, we touch on films like State of Play which I saw and hated, but sat through because he was in it. So seeing this movie could save my life or at least from an asskicking from a celebrity.

As for the rest of the month, I won’t see Red Dawn because I am a God damn American and I have loyalty to the original. I’ve said before I’m not at all psyched for Love and Other Drugs because it looks like it will become a formulaic “rom com” about halfway into the movie. Burlesque looks terrible and I’m not sure anyone was expecting me to see that anyway. It would have been a good idea for a movie back when Christina Aguilera was really famous and seems a little late now.

I’ll definitely see Faster because it has the Rock in it and he is killing people. That’s enough for me.

December

The Warrior’s Way looks insane. Why is Kate Bosworth in this movie? Why is Kate Bosworth in movies? When your peak is Blue Crush well let’s just say stop.

December 10th has four movies scheduled:

The new Chronicles of Narnia which I feel I have fully outgrown seeing. I liked the first and the second, but seriously? Am I still going to see this franchise? I don’t remember a single person talking about the second one and I saw that in the theaters I think opening day. I’ll catch it one day on TV when I’m alone at home and that will be enough. At this point, I can’t justify seeing these in theaters anymore.

The Tourist looks awful. This is exactly not what I would want from a movie with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. Anything but this movie. A movie about tranny ER doctors. A movie about a concentration camp putting on a Christmas play. A movie about high school seniors making a pact to lose their virginity before college. Anything. If Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp did anything besides this. Even if they remade Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant’s epic Did You Hear About the Morgans? I would have been more excited to see that than this bullshit. It also looks bad for what it is. As great as Johnny Depp can be in real life and in some movies, he looks like an asshole with the hair and facial hair as just an ordinary guy traveling to Europe. Ordinary people do not look like him. If you see a person on the street who looks like Johnny Depp and it is not Johnny Depp then that person is a crazy person and they are dangerous. They are not an awkward and clumsy and cute person who just so happens to happen on something. Fuck that movie. And when the fuck is Angelina Jolie going to play an alien. It is a perfect fucking fit – alien or from the future. One or the other Hollywood. One or the other.

The Tempest looks ok. I liked Titus which was also Shakespeare and also directed by Julie Taymor. This looks good, but it also looks annoying. I’m not sold on it. A bunch of good actors – I’ll give it that.

How Do You Know looks terrible. I do like the idea that Owen Wilson is playing a baseball pitcher, but outside of that I hate it. Paul Rudd sickens me in these goody two shoe roles. Put him as the most sarcastic and cynical guy in the world in every movie and I’m set.

The Yogi Bear movie gives me nightmares.

True Grit will be the greatest movie ever.

I don’t want to see Blue Valentine.

And… what is left?

Tron Legacy.

I am really looking forward to Tron Legacy. I recently rewatched Tron for the first time since I was a kid and it is … pretty bad. I mean it’s ok. Nah, that’s just nostalgia talking. The lightcycles are cool, but they are in about 5 minutes of an hour and forty movie. How cool could they possibly be? The movie is terribly acted from everyone and it makes not a lick of sense. Not of it makes any sense, but I do love the confidence they have not to try and explain any of it. Why? It won’t make any more sense to try and explain what will never make sense. I would at least hope that inside computers there is not a totalitarian dictatorship going on with gestapo troops carrying spears imprisoning random programs that are running and then forcing them to compete in games of death. Let alone, the games of death which people remember so fondly only last for the 5 minutes the lightcycle scene takes place. That’s it. They escape the first game of death.

The rest of the movie is filled with a frisbee of death wielded by the character Tron. And do I need to say again that none of it makes any sense?

The funny thing is that after 20 years, they are making a sequel to Tron which no one ever really asked for. But here it is. Here it is with all this hype to live up to a movie that is more or less a throw away movie that has been outdated nearly as long as it has been out. Special effects? The graphics on a TI-83 graphing calculator are just as amazing as Tron. So this should be a home run, right? Tron Legacy should be great because it doesn’t have much to live up to?

Wrong. I’m really hoping Tron Legacy is great, but there is a high percentage chance it could be worse or less watchable than the original Tron because it will try to pay so much tribute to the original and/or it could easily over complicate itself because movies nowadays try to explain everything to death. No matter how stupid the premise, filmmakers loves trying to show the science behind it. They love the origin story and setting up all the pieces. Usually, this is not a good thing because it won’t matter. People doing battle inside a computer will never “make sense”. Just go on and make it an awesome adventure because there is no reasoning behind the premise.

Hopefully, Tron Legacy is just flashy lights and wild action because that is all that it needs to be. They even have Daft Punk making the soundtrack, which should be great. I’m rooting for it, but there are worse sequels based off better originals.

Also, Olivia Wilde is pretty.

Movies rock.

They do. I pride myself on knowing movies. I watch movies, a lot of movies, different types of movies, ones that I know I won’t even like. I simply love movies. Because of this I have a subscription to Netflix. In all honesty, I started this journey with Netflix because of a bad movie: The Crow: City of Angels. I didn’t see this awful and first sequel to The Crow when it came out years upon years ago in the theaters. But for whatever reason, one day in college I had this desire to see it. I really just wanted to see how bad it truly was. But Blockbuster didn’t carry it, rightly so. This led me to a problem, would I have to track down a copy of this movie on ebay and purchase it fully knowing that I would not like it? Thankfully, while doing just that I saw an advertisement for Netflix on the internet. Twenty minutes later, I was signed up for Netflix and have been ever since.

Why am I mentioning all this? Well, Netflix has a feature on its website that changed my life the other night. This feature? “Local Favorites”. I live in Jersey City, which is heavily populated by Indian people nowadays. Indian people from India. As in the sub-continent. This means all of my “local favorites” are all Bollywood movies. Like actual Bollywood movies. Not this Slumdog Millionaire bullshit. Not a British director with a bunch of British actors who are ethnically Indian. I’m talking about REAL Bollywood. Like the Bollywood you only hear about on the internet. The internet! So, I decided it was about time I watch a real Bollywood movie and not just random Youtube clips.

First thing first, Bollywood movies are fucking LONG. Real long. Like “that’s what she said” long. Like Reds long. Like “what are you up to tomorrow because I’m unemployed and I’m going to watch a Bollywood movie and being unemployed means I can only accomplish one task a day before I get sleepy and take naps on the couch” long. I am on Netflix and just going through the first four movies listed: 122, 132, 181 and 172. Minutes! Not Pesos! One hundred and eighty one minutes! One hundred and seventy two minutes! I’ll let you in on a secret – none of these movies have “teenage” vampires in them. 145… 212!… 153 and 192! Those are next four films’ runtimes! People in India change their mailing address to the movie theater when they go see Bollywood.

So, I chose a “shorter” Bollywood movie at 135 minutes long called Dhoom 2: Back in Action. Yeah, that’s right Dhoom 2. It’s the sequel to whatever the hell Dhoom is. But why did I pick this movie? Well, it is fairly recent at 2006, it isn’t 3 hours long, it is an action film and the movie poster looks like THIS!

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DHOOM! Fucking fuck yeah! How could this movie be bad? Spoiler alert – it is bad. Like fucking awful bad. So bad that the movie comes full circle and is amazing. I don’t know what your immediate reaction to this poster is, but you can bet your sweet ass that this movie is WILD! There is fire on the poster. There is two smoking hot chicks on the poster. And the guys … and the three guys on the poster… what words can be invented right now to describe what I’m seeing with these three gentlemen? Fan-tabulo-amaze-balls!

Now, let’s talk about this movie BECAUSE IT IS EPIC! Also, let’s talk about it because that is what today’s post is completely about. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that there is no movie being made, has been made, or ever will be made (unless by me) in America like this movie. Imagine the sheer insanity of Transformers 2, the emotional depth of Step Up, the engaging dialogue of a typical Hills episode re-written by someone who is actually illiterate and all of this is schizophrenically cut with pop music and dance sequences that would make Beyonce drool.

Enough foreplay, let’s get into it*.

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Actually, a little more foreplay. Up under the shirt, just down the pants and hands everywhere. Before the movie starts, there is an advertisement saying that this movie is sponsored by Pepe Jeans. This movie has got to be good. How many movies do you know that are sponsored by jeans? Also, I watched this movie (like you should) on Netflix “Watch Instantly” and I can’t get the pause icons to disappear, so just deal with it. Foreplay is almost over.

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FUCKING BOOM! DHOOM! Is that a man dressed as an elderly woman? Is that elderly woman who is actually a man supposed to be the Queen of England? The QUEEN OF ENGLAND!?! Yes! Yes it is. DHOOM! You were not expecting that were you!?! This glorious movie starts in the middle of the desert in India where the Queen of England is taking a train ride and on this train, besides the Queen of England being played by a man, is the Queen’s crown, which is worth millions. She/he/she/he warns her/his crack security team that someone could try to steal the crown and that person could attack the train from the sky. And… he/she/he/she/he/he/he/he is completely fucking right.

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DHOOM! You were not expecting that were you!?! Literally “out of nowhere” a helicopter shows up, a guy jumps out of said helicopter and majestically lands on the roof of the train via his gay pride “no more prop 8” parachute. And then this happens:

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DHOOM! You were not expecting that were you!?! Oh my Jebus! What in the beautiful holy hell of glossy tan skin is going on here? But before your brain even has the chance to fire that message off between its synapses – this happens!

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DHOOM! FUCKING DHOOM! Oh my lord this may be my favorite movie of all time and we’re not even 5 minutes into it. Seriously, this is tremendous. Why is every movie not exactly like this? A man playing the Queen of England? The Queen of England takes train rides through an uninhabitable desert? Who was flying that helicopter? Why doesn’t every character in every movie look like this guy with this many hero shots in a row?

This review will be a billion words if I keep going at this pace. Let me fast forward to about… oh maybe two minutes later.

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YES! He is surfing on sand now.

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Amazing! Why is he still skitching on the train with this guy firing the shotgun at him? Who knows? What the hell is going on? I have no idea. The long and short of it, the amazing looking dude got dressed up like the Queen of England, snuck on to the train, stole the crown, fought the security guards on the roof of the train using his snow/sandboard as his weapon against their guns, jumps off the train to ride along the train on the sandboard, somehow propels himself back onto the train and knocking out the guy with the shotgun, and then jumps off the train again and rides it to safety.

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DHOOM! The above paragraph definitely makes zero sense and, at the same time, it is exactly what happens in the movie… in the first 7 minutes! SEVEN minutes. Look at the screen capture: 7 minutes. Already this movie has blown past any line of decency or sanity and we are just getting to the opening credits. Also, this is when Dawgz and I and the viewers of the world are treated to one amazing fact – the movie only gets crazier.

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DHOOM!

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DHOOM!

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DHOOM!

I give up! I relent! I cannot take it anymore!

The opening credits is the first of many musical sequences. The featured entertainment in this routine is our ambiguous, cross dressing, incredibly ripped, greasy haired, thief, sandboarding, martial artist… hero? Villain? Mute? He hasn’t said a word of dialogue, but he is now singing. Yeah, singing! And what pray tell is this song about? DHOOM! The opening credits is a song and dance number about the movie you are actually watching. How great is that? That is more self-centered than Bad Company writing a song called “Bad Company” and having an album called Bad Company. The song “Bad Company” isn’t about how great the band Bad Company is. But that is exactly what this DHOOM song is about.

This is just the start of the self reflection in this movie. The DHOOM I keep saying is exactly what the movie does. When something stupendous happens or some big reveal is, well, revealed they actually say DHOOM in the background. Like “Damn! Can you believe this movie? DHOOM!” Who does that? What other movie has the balls to do that? None. No matter how great The Godfather gets, they never just go GODFATHER after a great scene. Can you imagine after Sonny Corleone is shot (a million times) and killed, someone shouted GODFATHER? That would be the illest. “You can’t handle the truth!” A FEW GOOD MEN! “I’ll have what she’s having.” WHEN HARRY MET SALLY! “Stupid is as stupid does.” FORREST GUMP! FORREST GUMP, MOTHERFUCKERS! DHOOM!

So, what happens after the opening credits? What happens at minute 8 of this 135 minute movie? What happens is exactly what you expect – more completely ridiculous things that make absolutely no sense and are highly entertaining because your brain doesn’t know how to comprehend any of it leaving you in this flashy color high of the wildest Indians from India. The next scene starts on a riverboat on a jungle river with a bunch of gangster looking Indians when a guy on a motorcycle dressed as an audience member at a Village People concert flies out of the jungle trees and lands on top of the river boat.

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DHOOM! Seriously, that is what happens. It takes so much to explain the unexplainable that is going on in this movie. Quickly, I’ll say that this Indian man, who may or may not be auditioning for The Jersey Shore, turns out to be a cop(!) and is trying to do a drug bust sting on the guys on the riverboat. He is a bumbling fool of a character and messes up the drug bust. He pleads for back-up to help him… when… this… HAPPENS –

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DHOOM!

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DHOOM!

YES! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK IS HAPPENING! This man in jeans, a t-shirt and a black suit jacket with red piping was hiding underneath the jungle river water on a jet ski and some how by the power of Moses propels himself out of the water and high into the air and onto the effing boat! DHOOM! Who on Earth would actually think this is acceptable to be filmed? Michael Bay’s imagination is infantile in comparison to this. I won’t lie to you, there may be 60 foot tall alien shape-shifters battling to death with laser guns on a planet in an unknown universe that will one day land on our planet to continue their war disguised as large automobiles. That COULD happen. What CAN’T happen, is a guy on a jet ski hiding under water for minutes to only fly out of the water on the jet ski so high he clears a riverboat. And, he actually does it twice. He flies over the first time and draws his pistol and shoots and kills the bad guys on the boat. He lands on the other side, shoots and kills more bad guys who are on another boat, turns around and jumps up again with the jet ski and this time he lands on the damn roof of the boat. D-H-O-O-M!

And who is this man of unimaginable power that have no place in everyday life?

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DHOOM! Look at this dude’s hair. It is everything. He is combining every style from pompadour to faux hawk to Donald Trump’s whatever to spun black gold. This man with the hair and beard is also nicknamed “Mr. Long Legs”. I’m just saying, what more do you want? He and the muscle shirt are cops. Apparently, they are the main characters from the last movie too. The storyline of the movie can be boiled down to these two guys trying to catch the sandsurfing thief dancer singer guy. But wait… who is this?

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DHOOM

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DHOOM

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DHOOM!

Damn it, she’s hot. Take a guess at what this flawless creature does? She’s a cop. Of-fucking-course. I’ve met so many cops that look and dress like this. I’m always strolling up to my car getting a parking ticket with an exotic supermodel in an undershirt and tight jeans writing it. Didn’t you know all lady cops in Jersey City are former Miss World competitors? This perfect looking woman is the new detective brought in to assist with the thief guy from before. She’s been tracking him. His name is Mr. A. Turns out that “Mr. Long Legs” and her have a bit of a “history” together. Problem is, “Mr. Long Legs” is stupid married with a stupid pregnant wife. But they still have feelings for each other. How do I know this?

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DHOOM!

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DHOOM! The second song and dance number is all about it. I’m not sure what you are all thinking right now. I’m not sure if you are thinking at all anymore because this is all blowing up your damn minds. But I am really only scratching the surface of what is really going on. I mean, I’m saying it is a song and dance number. You can somewhat imagine the absurdity of the dancing because of screenshots like the above and like this…

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DHOOM! But, the singing? What are they singing? Oh, you did not just ask this question. Do you feel a DHOOM coming on? Because I do. Here is a lyric from this particular song:

“If my heart loses its self control, there will be no end to the rock and roll.”

DHOOM! DHOOM! DHOOM!

DHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I WANT TO SHOUT THIS FROM A MOUNTAIN TOP FOR ALL THE WOMEN OF THE UNIVERSE TO HEAR! Oh man! Damn it! DAMN IT! I am glad women are the majority of the readers of this site because I just want to know one thing – how badly do you want “Mr. Long Legs'” heart to lose its self control and give you an endless amount of his rock and roll? I mean are you freaking out at your desks or on the bus or where ever you’re reading this? Have you already ran to a private place to rewrite that Diddle Diary with “Mr. Long Legs” and his rock and roll? Or could you not contain yourself and you’re just going at it right there in public in front of people? DHOOM!

Just for your information that song lyric does rhyme and it rhymes in English, but is sung in Hindi. I don’t know how that works, but it does. This is another mystery of Bollywood or at least DHOOM – half of the dialogue is spoken in English and half is spoken in Hindi. And it isn’t every other sentence, but sometimes just certain words or just the second half of a sentence to seemingly emphasize it. I cannot explain that nor do I think the filmmakers can either. But it is crazy and fucks with your mind. Why don’t they just do the whole film in English? Why don’t they just do the whole movie in Hindi? Choose one!

Whew, I’m exhausted. I need to skip ahead. Mr. A plans to steal some sword at a castle that is special for some reason. The three cops – biceps, rock and roll* and hottest woman ever – are there trying to stop Mr. A. They do a horrendous job of that and not only does Mr. A get to the sword, but so does some other thief.

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Mr. A and ski mask have a showdown for who gets the sword. Ski mask nabs it and runs, but ski mask almost gets caught by the cops when…

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Mr. A flies up the castle wall (yes, dressed in a Kato mask), kicks the chick cop over the wall, grabs ski mask, jumps off the castle wall in a reverse swan dive and some how repels to safety with ski mask in tow. Yeah, that happened. Mr. A and ski mask get to a safe place where Mr. A confronts ski mask about who ski mask be and ski mask be…

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DHOOM! With a DHOOM perfect face and just so happens has this attached as her body…

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DHOOM!

By the way, if you recognize this goddess it would not be too surprising. She is Aishwarya Rai aka seen by many as the most beautiful woman in the world. So that happens. The thief turns out to be the most beautiful woman in the world part 2. I don’t think cop “most beautiful woman in the world” is any less attractive than thief “most beautiful woman in the world”, but who knows? My brain has officially melted from DHOOM and it is really just getting under way.

After ski mask reveals that she is geometrically perfect, there is a song and dance sequence between her and Mr. A. The chorus of that song is “Sexy ladies on the floor, keep you coming back for more.” Not as brilliant as the other, but it’s not bad. Once that ends, hot chick runs out of the dance club they are singing together at. She runs out to the street where it is raining. And she runs past a basketball court where this happens…

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DHOOM! Are you fucking kidding me!?! That is Mr. A dressed as the gayest Latin gangster ever. Why? I don’t know. Why is he playing basketball in the rain? I don’t know! How did he transform himself into this disguise that quickly? I don’t know! Do they even play basketball in India? I DON’T KNOW!

So, Bollywood doesn’t have any kissing or sex in their movies because they are too prude for that, but not prude to have guys on jet skis hide under jungle rivers fly out and attack riverboats shooting guns killing people. So, instead of having a sexy little romp between these two, they play BASKETBALL IN THE RAIN against each other. Take a guess if supermodel Aishwarya Rai or Hispanic Backstreet Boy can play basketball in real life? Judging by the scene, they have never heard of basketball until the moment they filmed that scene… in the rain.

I’m past the 3000 words mark and I’m only an HOUR into the movie. One hour! 60 minutes of 135! So, I literally need to skip a ton. Sincerely, you need to watch this movie because there is so much I’m leaving out. But…

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They fly to Brazil (yes, you read that right) and Mr. A is still dressed that way for some reason. They plan to steal something there.

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The cops fly there too. Instead of that being the hot cop, it is actually the hot cop’s identical twin sister who happens to live in Brazil. The hot cop doesn’t make the trip because Mr. A somehow broke her leg when he kicked her in the arm back at the castle – no joke. She stays in India, but thankfully she has that identical twin sister who lives in the exact city in Brazil (a country of 180 million people) where Mr. A is planning on committing his next thievery.

So many things happen like Mr. A and the hot chick falling in love, it turns out she knows “Mr. Long Legs” (who doesn’t), the other cop without the sleeves falls in love with the identical twin sister, songs and dancing and just a lot. I really don’t want to ruin any of the second HOUR and 15 MINUTES of the movie because you should really see and hear all of this with your own unworthy eyes/ears. But I need to show you just a few more pictures.

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DHOOM! It’s like Heat! The good guy and the charismatic bad guy sharing a drink together and they know each other is the enemy! How dramatic!?! I love it. This is, of-fucking-course, followed by a dance sequence.

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DHOOM

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DHOOM

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DHOOM!

I’m really at a loss for words. Some how kissing in public in this culture is seen as obscene, but everything that is happening above is seen as Kool and the Gang. They are a wild 1+ billion people.

I don’t know if I can watch another Bollywood movie outside of Dhoom 2. I cannot imagine any of them are as absurd. This movie, so I’ve read, is one of their biggest blockbusters, so most are not nearly as ridiculous. This was their big romance movie putting two of their biggest stars Aishwarya Rai and Hrirthik Roshan together, plus it is their big Mission: Impossible meets Bad Boys 2 blow’em up action spectacular.

I believe I will watch DHOOM again. I almost did watch it again taking these pictures. The movie is so engagingly horrendous that you need to watch it all. None of it makes any sense. It follows in the footsteps of truly terrible action movies like Max Payne, The Spirit or Gamer as far as a storyline that have zero intelligible qualities. But where as those movies think they’re dark and provoking and disturbed, they’re just plain fucking stupid. Dhoom is stupid, but it is fun. It is light-hearted, flashy, brightly colored and has more singing and dancing than an episode of Glee.

So, needless to say, you need to watch Dhoom 2 im-fucking-mediately. It is all the brash cheesiness, yet oddly unflinchingly seriousness of an American 80’s movie being tongue kissed by a Hype Williams music video being molested by an episode of Miami Vice, which is dry-humping a gaggle of gorgeous Indians.

In other words, Dhoom 2 wants IT. Bad. DHOOM!

I’m spent.

There were many monumental achievements in 1980 such as… well… something(s). But the greatest of those many accomplishments was the film The Octagon starring Chuck fucking Norris. Some may know the acting juggernaut Chuck fucking Norris as simply “Chuck Norris”, but that is a fallacy because there is nothing “simple” about the magical and lethal moves Mr. fucking Norris makes. This year marks the 30th anniversary of this piece de resistance. As many will do this year, I re-watched The Octagon and, take a wild guess, I’m going to tell you all about it.

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There are many reasons to watch, or I should say “re-watch”, The Octagon and I shall list them:

– Chuck fucking Norris (have you been paying attention!?!)

– Chuck fucking Norris with a sword

– Chuck fucking Norris with throwing knives

– Ninjas

– Ninjas with swords

– Ninjas with throwing knives

– Chuck fucking Norris fighting the previously mentioned ninjas

– Side boob

– Guns

– More ninjas

Clearly, this list could go on forever. I have yet to really scratch the surface about how many times you see Chuck fucking Norris battling ninjas. By far the majority of the viewing experience of The Octagon is watching Chuck fucking Norris fight a never ending cache of easily defeated ninjas. But there is one thing that rivals the sheer volume of pajama clad warriors is…

HAIR!

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Yeah, that’s right! I said it. The only thing that The Octagon spent more money on besides ninja extras was an airplane hanger of CFC hairspray canisters and an Amazon river of mousse. Look at Chuck fucking Norris’ hair! It is spun gold! If you could even find a pair of scissors worthy enough to cut those glorious locks of hair you could smelt that into fancy lady’s jewelry- if you’re Italian or Latino male it could be a classy gold crucifix. But I digress, his hair is GLORE-EE-YUS! Look at it in action…

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Not a single errant strand out of place! Look at the swing. It’s full power! You can’t half ass a samurai sword swing in a fight to the death with a dual tsai wielding ninja!

And it is not just Chuck fucking Norris neither either…

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There… are… just… no… words! It is phenomenal! This is Art Hindle and his HAIR who plays Chuck fucking Norris’ brother A.J. in The Octagon. These brothers do not share the same athletic or deadly force talent, but they definitely both have head follicles of the Gods! What could you possibly call that hair style? They should make space shuttles out of it. It could be the missing piece to the Super Collider. James Spader used Art Hindle’s hair to decipher the Stargate… wait… there’s more hair to be talked about!

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Magnificent! Here’s Chuck fucking Norris’ love interest Karen Carlson. A velvety raven colored waterfall that cascades down her… yes, I’m sure you have already guessed:

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Karen is our lovely side boob! But I’m getting way ahead of myself. Actually take a second and soak in this picture. Make note of everything. I do mean EVERYTHING. Now focus in on Karen’s flowing hair. You are already cynical I can feel it. We saw Chuck fucking Norris’ hair in a-c-t-i-o-n, but what about Karen’s?

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FUCKING BLAM! BOOM! RAT-A-TAT-TAT! She’s got a machine gun! Look at the sheen of her obsidian hair and how it shines in the gasoline fire light. Let’s not waste this opportunity…

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Oh look how it radiates with the muzzle flash! Who would’ve guessed a muzzle flash from an M-16 would really compliment someone’s silky well kept hair? As they say, you live and learn from The Octagon or at least I say that. While we’re talking about Karen Carlson, let’s revisit her, her hair and her side boob. The scene begins with Karen and her hair telling an anecdote to Chuck fucking Norris about the death of her prize pig (true).

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Just luxurious. Karen Carlson is simply a vision of raw sexual energy. Many have equated one’s sexuality, one’s sexual attractiveness, one’s animalistic sex drive with thick, beautiful hair. And with that I present you…

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Holy last prophet Mohamed does Chuck fucking Norris look sensational. Of course, Karen Carlson would be drawn in by fucking Norris’ primal magnetism. How could you blame her for throwing herself at this beast of a man? As quickly as they finish awkwardly progressing the “plot”, Karen is tearing her shirt off for the literally lying in wait Chuck fucking Norris.

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Could you even imagine the head of hair each one of their male children would have? Don’t! You mustn’t! It would be like staring into the Sun! It would be so full and soft. And yes, all their kids would be sons because Chuck fucking Norris is all Y chromosomes. There is just so much hair in this movie!

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Mustache hair!

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Chest hair!

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Dirty hair!

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No hair! Well, I had to at least show Lee Van Cleef is in the movie. He gets a pass with the hair because he was in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Don’t forget the earring, which is not in the gay ear, fellas.

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The random mercenary throwaway characters have great hair.

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The hillbilly henchmen have great hair.

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We don’t see this ninja guy without his head wrap on, but he makes hissing noises and fights Chuck fucking Norris for a solid half hour, so I’m guessing he has pretty hair like a horse’s mane.

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Look at how much fucking hair is in this scene! You could shave these beautiful bastards and make winter coats for everyone. And I do mean EVERYONE, Gary Oldman. We could finally plug the BP oil leak with all that hair (topical joke).

But wait a God damn minute, KSWI Jordan. What about “evil” hair? Did you ask for evil hair? Look now!

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EVIL! EEEEEE-VEL! Here is Tadashi Yamashita and his bullet helmet of hair as the evil Seikura. This coal black haired dynamo is not only the owner of the infamous “octagon”, but the leader of the glass jawed infinite ninja army. Seikura in this scene actually demonstrates that he has psychic abilities and can sense that Chuck fucking Norris is coming for him. They don’t explain this in the movie, but I attribute it to their hair communicating with each other in their own mystical language. I don’t want to ruin any of the hand crafted story, but I will tell you…

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THEY FIGHT!

The hair that is. They fight over the destiny of truth and justice and the sanctity of the universe of hair. Or Chuck fucking Norris and Tadashi have a quick and ultimately disappointing final fight, which ends remarkably abruptly and is immediately followed by credits. But seriously, who the fuck cares?

It is Chuck fucking Norris and his hair! Now celebrate the 30th anniversary and go watch The Octagon.

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… errrr Utah. I thought I read they were in Canada, but they are not. Whatever. The jokes are still funny.

I was looking for pictures of Kristen Stewart and of Kristen Stewart wanting IT like I do. They are the exact same thing, but sometimes I am not looking for a picture of her wanting IT specifically. Other times, I’m just looking for a picture of her in it. Maybe a picture of her looking to the left or a picture of her from a particular movie. It just so happens that she wants IT in all of those pictures. She is wanting IT to the left, she is wanting IT in some movie, she is wanting IT and there is a puppy in the photo.

This morning I was looking for a few recent pictures of Her wanting IT and I found a gallery for The Runaways premiere in some city in Canada. All the cities are the same in Canada: cold, bland, slightly European looking, made of Legos. The gallery had 60 pictures with Kristen Stewart in them. I started right clicking and saving the pictures and I saved 24 of I think the first 25. I had to stop. They should just have a “bulk save” feature for people like me who find all Kristen Stewart pictures hysterical because she truly does want IT in everyone of them and for people who stalk her. Really the “bulk save” would come in handy for myself and stalkers who create sacrificial shrines dedicated to Kristen Stewart in their parents’ basements.

Mo’ funny, Mo’ funny, Mo’ funny

Kristen Stewart wants IT.

Kristen Stewart (KS) – I want IT. I want IT serious though. I seriously want IT always, but right now my want is serious. I seriously want IT serious. This movie is dramatic and I’m the dark one of the bunch, so I can’t smile and let my want spill onto the world like a rainbow waterfall. A rainbowfall. A river composed entirely of liquid rainbows. A rainbow river whose source is a huge glacier of frozen rainbows way up where Santa lives. Because of global warming this rainbow glacier has been slowly melting causing the flooding of rainbow rivers. These rainbow rivers have taken over more territory and now have reached cliff faces thus creating the rainbowfalls. I’m just saying I want IT a lot, but I have to be serious about it.

KS – Oh no, I’m just playing with my hair. I’m just going to run my hands through my hair. No one pay attention to me wanting the shit out of whatever is to my left. Nope, I’m just casually running my fingers through my hair. Dakota? Nope, I haven’t noticed Dakota way over there to my left. Nope, not at all.

KS – What? Really? You want me to take a billion pictures with Dakota Fanning!?! I want IT! I love Dakota! I feel so lonely out here by my elfen lonesome. We’re in Canada and I’m cold. They told me not to smile. My smile’s want could power all the electricity needs in Cold War era Russia. It would be so great if Dakota was with me. I was lying before when I said I didn’t notice her over there. I want her over here.

KS – I want IT.

Dakota Fanning (DF) – I’m learning how to want IT. I’m more of a forbidden fruit element. Jailbait want where maybe you are projecting your own want onto me because you know that it is illegal and illegal things are the best.

KS – Dakota, why aren’t you wanting IT where I’m wanting IT?

DF – I thought you said something about “crossing the streams”. We’re not fighting Gozer.

KS – I have taught you well.

KS – She’s my bitch. I’m just saying. If you were wondering. If there was a situation where both of lost all of our money and needed to turn to alternate careers like selling our bodies for money – she’s my bitch. I’m the pimp and she is my bottom bitch. We’ve been watching a lot of Pimps Up Hoes Down repeats. It is on HBO OnDemand. Screw the Olympics.

DF – Winter Olympics pfffft. More like Schminter Schmolympics.

KS – Good one. NBC will think twice before messing with us and our sarcasm.

DF – I’m wearing black gloves.

KS – I did not notice that until you said it. And/or Jordan didn’t notice that until he saw this picture and he is making me say this because he felt like pointing it out.

DF – I want Jordan to write and direct my next movie.

KS – I want Jordan to do so as well and I want him to be my agent because my current agent needs to be fired.

KS – What are you looking at?

DF – I thought I saw something like a cat. Like a cat wearing boots. Like a cat on top of that building over there wearing boots and it was playing a little flute and there were all these little mice following it. I thought I saw that and I was thinking that I want chocolate and peanut butter puffs cereal right now. I want IT now.

KS – I shouldn’t have hot boxed the limo with you in it on the drive over here. You are so high right now.

DF – I’m not high. I’m just…

DF – Ok, I’m high.

KS – Shhhh… you’re going to get us… Well nothing. It’s legal in Canada, right? Isn’t it?

DF – Isn’t what?

KS – Pot legal in Canada. We could smoke it on the streets even if we don’t have cancer or eye problems.

DF – I was taught in High School, because I’m currently still in High School, that everything is legal in Canada. This “country” is make believe.

KS – Yeah, that makes sense. Pot is legal in “Candy Land”. Or at least that is how I play it.

DF – I could eat so much candy right now!

DF – I love you, Kristen Stewart. I love you like I love candy and cereal that can be eaten as a dessert. I love horsies too. I love you like horsies, but I’m not afraid you will kick me and kill me if I stand behind you. But I am worried that you will one day shiv me if you think I’m trying to steal Rob away from you like you did to those three girls in Santa Monica that one night.

KS – I thought we agreed to never talk about that.

DF – I did agree. And we’re not. My brain fuzzy from all the smoke. I’m in a fog right now. My young and innocent mind has been corrupted by your endless want and marijuana. But I love you.

KS – Good. Dakota, you should look back at the cameras before they start thinking we’re a couple. I have already had enough tabloid stories involving me being pregnant and/or lesbian with Nikki Reed.

DF – It’s just the want. It draws me. It’s like a gravitational force.

KS – What are you looking at Dakota?

DF – I’m not really looking at anything outside. I’m actually trying to look like I’m looking at something because really I’m looking inside my own mind.

KS – And what are you looking for in there?

DF – Mystical creatures like unicorns.

KS – I am over unicorns and narwahls. I want a new creature. I’m tired of these single horned creatures. They’re a bunch of pussies anyway. I want a multihorned creature or a creature with a big sheild on its head that breaks the unicorn or narwahls horn when it trys to attack before it runs away like the pussy it is. I want a bi-pedal stegasaurus with a rounded armor plated head that just headbutts the shit out of the unicorn and narwahl. It could have fingers and thumbs like a human-

DF – I could paint its fingernails.

KS – So it could wield an axe, no a HAMMER. A big double sided war hammer. It would dominate those stupid single horned creatures. The spikey armor on its back would shine in the sun light as it rides a stupid unicorn after it breaks its horn. It could ride a narwahl too. It could break its horn and then ride it through the Atlantic Ocean. Its reptile dinosaur skin would glisten in the salt water.

DF – You’re high.

KS – Why is it we never look in the same direction?

DF – I don’t know. I think something bad would happen if we do.

KS – Did you ever see that movie Thirteen?

DF – No. I wasn’t allowed to.

KS – Well, there is this one scene where Evan and Nikki choose this guy and they start… Yeah, bad stuff does happen when we look in the same direction.

KS – What was it like to kiss Dakota Fanning? Is that what you asked? Really? Really!?! Is that what we’re asking now? And what “news” organization are you from? Oh, ok. Yeah, I’ll answer the question. But I didn’t just kiss Dakota Fanning – I fucked the shit out of this broad! Yeah that’s right! You perv! You fucking perv! I said it! Quote me motherfucker! Quote me for your “news” website. Punk ass bitch! Punk ass bitch! Write it down! Write it down! Sucka ass bitch! Hunh!?! Come at me, bro! Come at me! Don’t you stand up for him! Fuck that guy, right Dakota?

DF – Yes, whatever you say Kristen Stewart.

KS – That’s right! She’s my bottom bitch, you garbage ass motherfuckers.

KS – Look at him. He’s still crying.

DF – You scare me Kristen Stewart, in a good way. It’s like if I was dating Charles Oakley. You are so strong and fearsome. You’re like a panther. A 6’9″ 260 pound panther who walks on two legs and has a gambling problem and dishes out its own brand of street justice and wants IT. That’s how Charles Oakley and you are.

KS – Do you see what I did to that guy, Joan Jett? He pissed his pants. Weed makes me aggressive sometimes. Well weed and the fifth of Jack Daniels I had in the car ride over.

DF – Look Kristen! I want IT. I’m wanting IT right now.

KS – Do you see that guy, Joan? Joan? Are these wax statues of the real Runaways or what?

KS – Oh they moved. I guess they are real.

DF – I’m still wanting IT. Look at me darn it. Look at me Kristen Stewart. I’m wanting the sugar out of this camera.

KS – Joan, are you alive?

Joan Jett (JJ) – Yes, I’m alive. Cherie isn’t. That is an anamotronic doll James Cameron lent out to us. He is a pretty nice guy since he has more money than God.

KS – I think I’m going to wait until that guy is back to being calm and then-

JJ – Slit his throat.

KS – I was going to say “pants him” in front of all the cameras.

JJ – That’s a good plan too.

DF – You two are completely missing me wanting IT. I don’t have the want stamina yet, so I’m starting to fade.

DF – Now I’m just happy. I’m not even wanting it anymore.

JJ – Do you think that if I flash some tit or say something outrageous about putting my or your pussy on things that the media will care about me again? Maybe a paparazzi camera could wait outside my house. That would be nice.

KS – I want IT. You want to see want, Dakota. I fucking want IT. I look like I’m about to dry fuck the lens of the camera. I look like I’m about to snap and rip Joan Jett’s throat out with my fingers ala Patrick Swayze in Road House.

DF – That cat is back. I want that cat. I want that cat, the boots, the mice so bad.

JJ – Maybe just a paparazzi camera man follows me to my car. Maybe a TMZ guy just for an hour stalks me one night. I’ll leave a window open by the porch. How abou that? Just meet me halfway. I’m lonely.

KS – Ugh, I’m over this. I want another person to ask a stupid question. Anyone. How about one of those The View broads? I’d cut those bitches in half right now.

KS – You could be my bitch too. I’m not saying you could be a top earner like Dakota, but I think you could do really well in my stable. You would be going for more of a niche market. Guys like something a little older, a little tougher, maybe a woman who will smack them around a little. Are you into doing chicks? I think you would make a killing in that market. You’re older and have more miles on you than that one chick from the L-Word, but I think it can work. That girl was having sex with every woman ever on that show. I’m not sure why. She’s cute and all, but she looks more like she would play back-up guitar for The Strokes. And I don’t mean a female back-up guitarist either.

JJ – What the hell are you talking about?

KS – Don’t give me any back talk. Or you may get slapped.

JJ – I’m sorry.

KS – That’s better.

KS – Michael, you’re huge.

DF – That’s what she said.

Michael Shannon (MS) – I don’t know about huge. I’m 6’3″. That is definitely tall, but-

KS – You’re maybe 8 feet tall. You’re the biggest man I have ever seen.

DF – That’s what she said.

MS – It’s just you’re all about mid 5’s and I’m just under a foot taller than that, so it’s really not that-

KS – You’re like Gandalf to us a series of thin and sexy hobbits.

DF – Show us your staff, Gandalf. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

MS – Is there anyway I can leave. I really don’t think anyone-

KS – You should play organized professional basketball for the New York Knicks.

MS – I’m really not that tall. You’re-

KS – You and David Lee would be the great white hopes that save the New York Knickerbockers from another year of obscurity. The All-Star break just happened, so I’m pretty sure you two could really make a run for the playoffs.

MS – I have never played basketba-

KS – David Lee is a guaranteed double double and I think with your massive-

DF – That’s what-

KS – I didn’t finish yet.

MS – That’s what she said.

DF – Darn it. That was a good one.

KS – You should save your energy telling jokes and spend it on the court winning an NBA Championship for the greatest city in the world.

DF – I love answering questions. They’re the funnest. I love the cameras. I love hangin out with Kristen Stewart. I want to be in all the movies she is in from now on.

KS – Hey, ET bitch, keep talking. Yeah, keep talking because I’mmabout to break your fucking nose. You want to know about my family and their supposed wolves? I’ll tell you all about it after I put you in the damn hospital!

DF – And Kristen is so funny!

I have nothing for Kristen and Dakota to say. I do think this looks like a press conference shot from maybe the greatest sex scandal or homicidal killing spree ever. Imagine these two like a wild Manson family, Bonnie & Clyde duo. I would watch that movie. Them in a band? Whatever.

Let’s remake Natural Born Killers. This time we’ll make it good as opposed to being horribly overrated and terrible. That’s the first part of the remake. Second part is these two are the leads.

Also, I love this picture. Why can’t someone put this ^^^ in a movie? You know? She has personality. She has the quirky comedy look already. Why can’t a single fucking director put that into a movie? TAKE THIS^^^ and put it in a movie. I don’t want to see Kristen Stewart chasing vampires or digging holes in the woods. I don’t want to see Kristen Stewart mellow dramatically working at an amusement park acting like she is 50 years old and at the end of her rope. I don’t want to see Kristen Stewart playing some lethargic leg bruise having chick. PUT THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  in a damn movie. How difficult could that be!?! Seriously, they do it all the time with other actors — look at Zooey Deschanel.

It would be so nice if she was in a good movie.

Sadly, I don’t expect it is happening this year. *wah wah*

Questions?

I don’t know which I’m more hungover from: the food or the booze from last night. Obviously the booze, but the food is not helping anyone right now. I feel like my stomach is trying to digest an economy sized rental car. And the booze is perfectly marinating the food with my stomach acid. As arbitrary as “last Monday Night Football game of the year/season/decade” sounds – it really is that arbitrary. Nevertheless, Dawgz and I treated it as a national holiday. Thankfully, I did not have work today because I would have missed it. There is no way I would have been able to get up at 7am. I was still real drunk well into 4am, so 7 wasn’t happening. I’m amazed that before noon happened, but there was so much guilt knocking at my door. He needed a ride. That’s what she said.

Brett Favre did not lose that football game last night. His offensive line, Adrian Peterson, and the Vikings defense lost that game. Peterson obviously lost it by losing the ball which was turned into the game ending points.

But I digress…

I saw some movies last week outside of Avatar. I saw (500) Days of Summer, Sherlock Holmes and Up In The Air. These three films are quite the rarity nowadays. They share one thing in common that nearly every other movie that has been made recently does not share. There are no vampires in these movies. That’s right, NO VAMPIRES!

No day walking vampires. No shimmering vampires. No high school vampires. No assistants to vampires. No government vampires. No TV drama vampires. NO VAMPIRES AT ALL!

It is very surprising to watch a new movie and find no vampires in them, since nearly every other movie has a vampire or some form of blood sucking undead monster. Because of all these vampires infiltrating all the movies I watch, have watched and will watch – I’ve become accustomed to thinking “when is the vampire going to show up?” I fully expect at any and all points any number of main characters could become or have been previously a VAMPIRE.

Naturally I think most people are constantly guessing in their head what the end of the movie will be as they are watching the movie. You are actively trying to figure out the puzzle before you. And with that, I am deducing who is a vampire in all movies no matter what. So, here are my reviews for the three mentioned movies, who I was expecting to be a vampire and how that would affect the movie. Today I’m going to just talk about (500) Days of Summer to drag out this idea for another day.

(500) Days of Summer

Really enjoyed this one. It is a great romantic/comedy for this indie rock generation I am vintage handcuffed to. The movie itself is a visual feast. Marc Webb I think is the director. He was a music video director and he brings that style to the movie. The story is simple and not even fully detailed, but Webb does an excellent job selling you this movie with clever sequences and a great soundtrack.

Zooey Deschanel continues to be the Prom Queen of the Indie Rock filmfile. She is brazenly cute and adorable with enough sex and danger mixed in. Webb did a great job color coding this movie blue to highlight Zooey’s blue eyes and they are mesmerizing.

As for Joseph Gordon Levitt, I didn’t like him too much before this movie, but I like him now. Another movie that was actively sold to the indie kids was Brick. I did not like Brick. I did not like it one bit. The rest of JoGoLe or JosGorLev’s recent dramatic acting I have not cared for. I really was beginning to wonder greatly about why this kid was in this many movies. He was inching his way towards Shia LaBeouf status in both saturation and me hating him. He’s great in this movie though. JosGorLev is really quite great as a leading man in this movie.

So I see the debate of who should play Ben from my “unreleased unfinished greatest novel ever” has stalled on the guy from Chuck. Not a bad choice I suppose. I don’t recall anything I’ve seen of his outside of Chuck. I’m not sure how much I see him being a darker, depraved character who could carry scenes that involve him killing people and then other scenes where he is trying to jerk off in his office’s public bathroom during work. One person who has recently peeked my interest is… you guessed it… JosGorLev.

JosGorLev is also Leonardo DiCaprio’s right hand man in Inception by Christopher Nolan. If Nolan likes him then I like him. That’s how I feel about Nolan. I think Levitt could pull off both types of scenes and looks like a guy who is an office drone who wants something more. My main problem right now with Joseph Gordon Levitt is that he is not tall enough. I’m sure he feels the same way. He is an undersized man. I don’t know how well that would translate in the office Fight Club style tournaments in the book.

As for the vampires?

At all points, I was expecting Zooey Deschanel was a vampire. That’s the big twist. The movie begins saying it is not a romance story where they end up together. Maybe Joseph figures out Zooey is a vampire and he is forced to kill her for the good of the Los Angeles community! Maybe Joseph figures out Zooey is a vampire and joins her! This is not a love story because it is a VAMPIRE STORY. Maybe Joseph just breaks up with Zooey because she is a vampire and he can’t date vampires. That’s a rather blah one. Maybe Joseph figures out Zooey is a vampire when she murders all of the needless side characters in this movie! Yes! Kill them! KILL ESPECIALLY THIS ONE –

KILL THIS MAN! Not only in the movie, but in real life as well. GET HIM VAMPIRE ZOOEY! GET HIM WHILE HE SLEEPS! Do you know why? Do you know who this man is? Do you know what he is tied to in holy matrimony?

THIS! THIS AND THAT! ARE TOGETHER!?! AHHHHHHHH

seriously…

Seriously…

Seriously!..

SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!

I’m too hung over to deal with this. It is disturbing enough sober. It makes me so angry.

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