The Deviant Ladies of Olympic Figure Skating

If you find yourself wandering around Philadelphia one day, you may find a gas station. If you find a gas station that is painted up like it is the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame then go inside. If you are inside this Rock & Roll Hall of Fame gas station’s mini-mart then make a left and walk towards the back where a sign should read Grilladelphia. If you find yourself in the back left of the mini-mart of a gas station that is painted like the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame then order a cheesesteak. If you are waiting for a cheesesteak standing underneath a sign that says Grilladelphia inside the mini mart of a gas station painted to look like the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania then you have made a series of excellent decisions in your life to lead you to this wonderous moment. At that point, you need to prepare yourself because you are about to get your mind blown with how good this Roll & Roll Hall of Fame gas station mini mart grill cheesesteak is. If you have balls then it might knock your balls off, if you don’t have balls then you may grow balls from eating this cheesesteak. Of course, if you don’t have balls originally and then eat the cheesesteak and grow balls the best course of action is to eat another cheesesteak to knock those new balls off. And go back to living a balls-less life and your stomach will be filled with bread, meat and cheese. True Story.

Last week, I mentiond that I have not been following the Winter Olympics all that much. I still am not following them all that much. I watched a little, a very little, downhill the other day and saw Bode Miller win a gold. Yeah, great. I’m so happy for him. You cannot tell as I type this, but I am typing this very slowly to emphasize how little enthusiasm I really have for this. Go Bode. That took 30 seconds for me to type. The “Go Bode” which took me another 30 seconds. Wooooh. 75 seconds. But fear not, today I will be excited about the Winter Olympics.

Starting tomorrow night (23rd) and continuing on Thursday (25th), the Belles of the Olympic Ball will be on center stage. The center ice stage that is, am I rizzite? The ladies figure skating competition. This is where glamour meets intrigue meets thin, tiny, graceful chicks who are all generally really cute. This is the event of heart breakers. The event that brought us sexpots like Oksana Baiul, Katarina Witt and Tara Lipinski (Philly and Jersey’s own). Yeah, I called Tara Lipinski a pot of sex. Do you know what is romantic/sexy? Warm bubble bath? I guess. Lit candles? Uh, I guess. Rose petals? Uhhhh *shrugs*. Olympic Gold Medal? FUCK YEAH! 

Today, I will give you my own unique glimpse at the 28 international competitors in the ladies figure skating competition. Do you know what Olympics website sucks? The official one. Do you know a good Olympics website? No, they do not exist. I’m guessing that these are in fact the actual 28 ladies who are competing. I have little to no faith if this is correct, but these are the only ladies that appear on the official website under that category. The website has no option to look up who is competing in these events or at least for the ladies figure skating. It just has all the figure skaters in one group and you have to click on each profile to see what particular event they are in. Speaking of, the following statement may be racist: I believe at least 80% of “ice dancers” are hot. That statement wasn’t racist. I said it “may be racist”, it wasn’t. There are some good looking skirts who ice dance. I just wanted to mention that I noticed that.  So, here is my preview of the ladies figure skating the only way I know how. Here weeeeeeeeeezzzzzz go:

Hmmmm… why do their pictures look like mugshots? Sexy, right? For some reason, the Olympics or NBC in all their brilliance took pictures of all the athletes. And when they took those pictures they used the same photo techniques a local police station would use when processing someone for a DUI. These poor poor broads in their tiny bodies and elegant skating skills look like common criminals on this damn website. Common criminals who are usually really cute and have an exotic (read: foreign) sensibility. I will take a guess at what each lady did to land herself a rap sheet.

Akiko looks like she stole something. My heart, am I right!?! Akiko looks innocent, but her big eyes look like they just hypnotize her hands into snatching t-shirts and hiding them in her purse. Alena is underage, so I’ll say underage drinking. But she wasn’t out at a bar. She was joy riding around drunk on something classy like 99 Bananas and got pulled over when she skidded into a stop sign with a cop following her. She’s not a “bad” girl, she just had one reckless night that was built up from living a boring mild mannered life up until that point. Anna, oh beautiful Anna. In my heart and my pants, I believe she is one of those chicks who gets way too drunk at a bar and is caught having lesbian sex in the bathroom and is somehow arrested for that. Seriously, how is that arrest worthy? That is Nobel Peace Prize worthy in my opinion. Anastasia, the more I look at her picture the more I see a faint smile. She’s like the Mona Lisa! And I would guess she stabbed a bitch for “messing” with her man. And I mean her man got drunk and hooked up with a chick who had no idea he had a girlfriend and Anastasia shivved her because of it.

Carolina looks tough. Definitely drunk in public and she committed the crime of “beatin’ up a bitch”. There is not a doubt in my mind that Carolina had a ninja grip on one girl’s hair while throwing haymakers at her all the while bouncers were hoisting her in the air carrying her out of the bar. She also instigated the fight because she said the other girl “thought she was better than me” – typical Italians. Cheltzie? MURDER! Nah, Cheltzie is 16 and from the lovely island of Australia. Since all Australians are criminals by genetics she was arrested for one of the many crimes she has committed by simply being Australian. Whatever Elena did it involved fire. I think Elena is a bit of a closeted pyromaniac. I think her boyfriend cheated on her and she either set his car on fire or all of his clothes or maybe his apartment. Elene is so damn cute. I just want to drink hot chocolate and watch Love Actually with her. I am pretty certain Elene was caught buying/using Adorol so her and the rest of the cheerleaders could stay up all night cramming for midterms and finals.

Isabelle, oh lovely and serious Isabelle. Let me skip to Ivana first. I believe Ivana and her boyfriend figured out a way to sell her baby on Craig’slist. Don’t judge Ivana. She is a pregnant 17 year old girl in Slovakia with no family support and only her recently fired factory worker 25 year old boyfriend to help her. They know they do not have the money to raise a child, so they were going to put it up for adoption, but why just give the kid away without getting something for the effort. And lovely Isabelle was the buyer. She and her husband are having trouble conceiving and are tired of all the doctor visits. Isabelle decided to go onto Belgium’s Craig’slist and found Ivana. It seemed like a perfect idea until those stupid cops showed up. Stupid cops! Jenna? I find Jenna to be attractive. I also think Jenna may be from the movie Avatar. Which means I found some of those blue peoples attractive – true. I think Jenna was apart of some Jawbreaker/Mean Girls style hazing of other hot girls which turned into a conspiracy to commit several crimes ranging from assault to vandalism to grand larceny. Joannie is obviously a stripper. This is not illegal, but she was caught negotiating to do something a little extra than stripping by an undercover cop. A very very very luck undercover cop.

If there is a God, I hope it was Kiira and Anna (from Group 1) who got drunk at a bar together and started hooking up in the bathroom. And hopefully whoever runs this bar has a camera in the women’s bathroom and hopefully they share it with TMZ so everyone on Earth can see it. Ksenia was a casualty of peer pressure and trying to be cool. She is not one of the popular girls in high school, but she would like to be – as we all do/did. She was at the mall with her lame middle tier friends and they ran into the popular girls. The popular girls gave Ksenia an ultimatum, either steal something in excess of $100 at the mall right then and give it to them or Ksenia cannot go to Hillary’s parents’ shore house after the Prom. And everyone who is anyone will be at Hillary’s parents’ shore house after the Prom. Laura and Mao’s crimes are connected. Laura and Mao both belong to a PETA extremist group. Laura helped plan, raise funds, and recruit people to break into the sceince labs at pharmaceutical company facilities and release any animals they are testing on. Mao was one of the foot soliders who was arrested knee deep in ferrets covered in lipstick.

Miki is not a criminal! She is my soulmate! I love her! She is pretty! And we’re going to get married on a mountain! So far everyone else’s pictures look like mug shots yet the enigmatic beauty Miki Ando’s looks like a Ralph Lauren ad for his winter collection. I love you, Miki Ando! Meanwhile, Min was caught selling her perfect test scores and A+ papers to other students. Her crime is being too smart for high school. Mirai is 16 years old. Mirai’s nickname is Dragonfly. Mirai is the most feared international assassin in the world. At 2:30am of February 15th, Miriam was caught by the police publicly urinating and vomitting on the Sullivan’s front lawn. Miriam had been drinking. Miriam had been out on a Valentine’s Day date with her now ex-boyfriend, Rick. Let’s just say, Miriam didn’t take it well when Rick accidentally called her “Leslie”.

Kids are cruel. Rachael Flatt was known by many names – “flat chested”, “flat as a surfboard”, “surfboard”, “flat” which sounds like “Flatt”, but there is a difference. Regardless of the fact that Rachael did grow boobs in her Junior year of High School, she was still heckled by much of the lacrosse team. The night before the “big game”, Rachael purchased a male prostitute for the evening using her savings from her summer job as a YMCA lifeguard. The two of them broke into the team’s locker room and rubbed all the players’ jockstraps on the prostitute’s lice infested crotch thus giving the entire team a debilitating case of crabs. This would have been the perfect crime if it wasn’t for the 10 foot banner Rachael made with markers and glitter that she hung the following day over the front doors of the high school stating “DON’T FUCK WITH RACHAEL FLATT OR YOU’LL GET CRABS!” Unfortunately, Rachael did not realize one could come to the alternate conclusion that Rachael Flatt has crabs and had sex with the entire lacrosse team. From that day on, Rachael Flatt was not “flat chested” anymore, but she did have crabs.

A little sidenote to that story – surprisingly enough fueled by the team unity of having crabs and being furious that little lice were eating at their balls – the lacrosse team went on to beat their storied rivals 13-6. Rachael Flatt’s vagina and the lice that supposedly infested it became lore and seen as good luck. No charges were pressed by the lacrosse team or the high school and in fact she was the Senior Prom Queen. So it worked out in the end.

Sarah Hecken had an illegal whirlwind sexual affair with Western Civilization professor Hans Dokolend. It cost him his marriage, job, and standing in the community. Sarah and Hans moved to some place more liberal like Los Angeles, California where she promptly began to cheat on him with men of greater success and wealth. Hans broken and betrayed moved to upstate New York where he remains lonely, but active in the local government. He doesn’t realize that Joannie Timmons, the 48 year old divorcee and mother of 20 year old twins sophomores at Syracuse, has a gentle and growing love for Hans although she hardly knows him outside of planning the yearly Halloween Haunted house together for the past 2 years.

Sarah, sexy Sarah. She was also involved with Anna and Kiira in the greatest drunken lesbian threesome ever. Sonia was caught keying cars. It was more for attention than anything. She keyed an entire row of cars in broad daylight at the town’s movie theater. Her parents both work full time.

Teodora did not start the fight in which Brittany Nelson’s nose was broken and orbital socket smashed. But she definitely “ended” it. It was ruled that Teodora was not guilty by the jury because she was technically defending herself, but that did not stop Judge Rames from giving a 30 minute lecture on the viciousness of “bitches hatin’ bitches”. Tugba had already been taken in by police earlier in the evening (for being drunk in public and for “vandalism” as she kicked in the door of her boyfriend’s car for flirting with the waitress), when Anna, Kiira and Sarah were put into the same holding cell. They proceeded to give the police officers the greatest show on Earth. No charges were pressed and every member of the police force has a picture of themselves and those four lovely ladies as their Facebook profile picture. The child prodigy, Yan Liu, moved to America at the age of 20 and enrolled in the nearest High School falsifying her birth certificate to read she was 16.  She proceeded to become class valedictorian and received a scholarship from every ivy league university. It was not until Nina Patel’s, Yan’s chief rival for valedictorian and lead oboe in the school orchestra, exhaustive near obsessive detective skills proved Yan’s age was incorrect.

Lastly, Yu-Na Kim was jokingly “arrested” by the Seoul police for being “too cute and sweet to be legal”. It was a funny moment where everyone laughed this preceded the opening of a new ice cream shop in the town where Yu-Na is their spokesmodel. Yu-Na then posed for pictures with the officers giving them all a wink, smile and peace sign pose. Everyone was treated to a complimentary single scoop ice cream cone. Afterwards, everyone went home and watched girls dressed in anime costumes having sex with eels. Come on, it’s Asia! That’s what they do over there!

Did I just make Ladies Figure Skating a billion times more interesting this week or what? You’re welcome, NBC. You fucking pieces of shit! I’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO COCO!