Happy Birthday Dakota Fanning!

Today is Dakota Fanning’s “sweet” sixteen birthday which means that she now can… be sixteen? She’s a rich celebrity who probably can do whatever she wants anyway. Seriously, who is going to stop Dakota Fanning from doing anything? If a cop saw Dakota Fanning buying a bottle of gin, that cop wouldn’t stop Dakota. It’s Dakota Fanning! She’s not going to be irresponsible with that bottle of gin. She’ll probably just take it home with her and sip on a modestly poured cocktail in a 1950’s highball glass while reading the latest scripts. She’s a career woman. The cop would probably give her a tip of his hat and say, “I loved you in Man on Fire. That last scene on the bridge had me in tears.” And he wouldn’t be lying either because we were all in tears during that seen. CREASY!!!!!

Either way – HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Dakota!

In my effort to memorize the Internet Movie Database, I went to Dakota Fanning’s page the other day and clicked on the “mini-bio/trivia” section. It was filled with some really random information and some interesting information. In today’s post we will all learn about said trivia and, obviously, my “unique” take on that trivia. But, first, I will say this – I am a fan of Dakota Fanning. And not just because of this damn Runaways movie. I have not seen many movies that Dakota Fanning is in – I Am Sam, Uptown Girls (I had HBO and I was in college with a lot of free time), Man on Fire, War of the Worlds, and New Moon – but she is great in the ones I have seen.

Also, her younger sister, Elle, is great as well. Usually (read: almost every fucking time), there is a kid actor in a movie and THEY SUCK! But these two, Elle and Dakota, are actually great. I can only think of like 5 kid actors I don’t hate in movies and two of them are these sisters. And they both have worked with Denzel Washington! Excellent work, Joy and Steven Fanning. I’m not sure what you are doing in Conyers, Georgia to raise kids who act well, but don’t stop now! Have you seen the garbage kid actors in every other movie? Go have another kid. Have a ton more. Start taking hormone therapy medication and have octoplets of little Meryl Streep’s and Marlon Brando’s.

If I was a film studio executive, I would make the Fanning’s have more children. And/or I would have had Elle and Dakota working sweat shop hours to have them portray all the children in all the movies. Just think – Little Anakin Skywalker? Dakota Fanning with a buzz cut. Just think how much better that movie would have been!?! … and Jar Jar Binks gets shot in his stupid head 10 seconds after we meet him to a standing ovation of applause.

Anyway – it’s triiiiivia time, it’s triiiiiivia time, it’s t-r-i-v-i-a triiiiivia time, it ain’t no ooooother time, it actually is 10:21 am tiiiiime, but that just is a moment in tiiiiiiime during the triiiiiiivia tiiiiiiime, I’ve lost my miiiiiind, not because of triiivia time, don’t blame triiiivia time, because it’s triiiiivia time.

Learned to read at age 2.

I guess this is fast or completely on target. I have no clue. It sounds fast though. I wasn’t necessarily a “stupid” kid, but as far as I know my reading and speaking skills were the worst when I was that age. I had 5 words that I called everything and didn’t deviate from that for a few years. Also, I went to a kindergarten where the most advanced activities we took part in were “finger painting” or “stacking blocks”. It doesn’t seem to have affected me too much in the long run. So stop bragging, Dakota! Jeez! Ok, great, you were the quarterback in High School, but you’re 52 now, a drunk and a bad custodian. Not even a good custodian, but a bad one. Make something of yourself!

When she received the Best Young Actor/Actress award from the Broadcast Film Critics Association for her performance in I Am Sam (2001), she was too short to reach the microphone to give her acceptance speech. Presenter Orlando Bloom held her up to the mike for the duration of her speech, which turned out to be quite long.

There is a lot of repetition on this page, which is not surprising because she is 16! She was 15 like 20 seconds ago, so how much “trivia” could there really be? It was a cute moment, but they keep making a point that Bloom had to hold her up for so long. Shut up, Bloom! Pfffft, Orlando!?! She was 7. He was holding up a 7 year old girl for like 90 seconds. Big deal. If Orlando Bloom held up Kathy Bates today for 90 seconds then I would be impressed.

Began her acting career at 5 when she was picked for a Tide commercial.

At 5, I was pretending sticks were laser guns in my backyard with or without friends.

Her father named her Dakota, her mother named her Hannah. She then was named Hannah Dakota Fanning.

This is also brought up a few times. It really isn’t as great of a story as IMDB thinks it is. Where’s the drama!?! He wanted this, she wanted this and they compromised perfectly. Fuck you, IMDB. How about Stephen wanted Dakota and Joy wanted Hannah, so they each chose a single action Colt pistol and prepared for a gun battle to the death at dawn. But on the eve of the duel, a priestess under a full moon came to them in their Georgian home. Dressed in the blood of her elders she cried…

Her favorite films include Gone with the Wind (1939), Titanic (1997) and Steel Magnolias (1989).

I guess. She is a girl after all. And a young one at that. Titanic? Really? You worked with Steven Spielberg! How about Empire of the Sun? Or The Color Purple? I know this will hit a nerve with some of you, but I’m glad she didn’t say Pretty Woman. Oh my idolatry! I do not like that movie. She’s a prostitute! “Richard Gere is such a wonderful man”. Really? Really!?! He is a man who pays for sex. Why is it a problem when I pay for sex, but not when he does? It’s just hypocritical. And why is that girls never want to meet my prostitute friends? But you loved Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman! Either love the movie and be cool with me and my prostitutes or don’t like the movie and actually have a leg to stand on when you yell at me about spending all my free time with prostitutes. One or the other!

Collects dolls.

Yeah, no shit. She is a kid.

Loves to knit and has knitted scarfs for Tom Cruise, Robert De Niro, Denzel Washington, Oprah Winfrey, Steven Spielberg and Tim Robbins.

Listen up, IMDB – it is “scarves” not “scarfs”. One day, IMDB, when I stab you in your internet eye because you gave me false hope about an On the Road movie directed by Walter Salles it will be with “knives” and not “knifes”.

For the ‘sad’ scenes in I Am Sam (2001), she thought of her pet goldfish, Flounder, dying.

That is amazing stuff. Have you seen I Am Sam? Phenomenal. If I was an actor and they asked me to cry on camera, I would think about Dakota Fanning crying in I Am Sam while she is thinking about “Flounder”. That movie is so sad and beautiful. I have only seen it once because I’m never like “Hey Jordan, do you want to cry forever today?” And I know girls do have those moments and that is why there is a MAN as President always. Can’t have POTUS curled up on the sofa watching Fried Green Tomatoes with a quart of Haagen Dazs just because she feels like having a “good cry”.

Carries a book of baby names with her wherever she goes.

Errrr… I hope this is old trivia and not something she still does. Dakota is pretty, famous, rich and successful, but a book of baby names in her back pocket will scare away 99% of any guys who try to ask her out. And the 1% are old blind gay men. Because even a sighted gay guy would run and a blind straight guy would at least sense it. But life is too tough for an old blind gay guy for him to give up on any opportunity for love even with a baby name book its backpocket.

On her eleventh birthday,Tom Cruise gave her a cell phone.

And…

During filming of War of the Worlds (2005), Tom Cruise gave her an iPod.

Jeez, Tom. Stalk much? HAHAHAHAHAHAh… hahah… whooo… hmmm

Actually, this is a reoccurring theme in the trivia section – “shit people gave to Dakota”. Or at least that is what I’m calling it. “Shit” meaning “presents” because I know you commenters love the curse words. Maybe it should be “motherfucking fuck shit fuck presents fucking given to Ms. Dakota Fanning by fucking shit fuck exceedingly famous male motherfucking celebrities she worked with in a fuckity fucking fuck shit fucking movie”. And it is “Ms.” because she is 16 and a lady.

Back to the presents, Tom gave her a cell phone and an iPod. Not bad, Tom. Generally, I would say giving an 11 year old a cell phone is a bit ridiculous, but this is Dakota Fanning after all. The chick is making Hollywood power moves and not just calling her Middle School friends to talk Gossip Girl. And an iPod is a great gift. It is easy to use, even if you have a first generation iPod it is still a great item, they’re ergonomic. Also, I like Tom Cruise. I went through his filmography with Dawgz the other day. We concluded that 80% of the movies he has been in have been at least “good”. Most actors were not even topping 50%. And in that 80% of “good” there are flat out amazing films, a bunch of them. So Tom does no wrong in my book. Oh he jumped on a couch? Fuck you. The dude made Top Gun. Grow up already.

On her 10th birthday, Robert De Niro gave her a doll that looked like Dakota’s character in Hide and Seek (2005), with the brown hair and blue eyes.

Pretty good gift. For Dakota this gift seems to be perfect. She collects dolls, it is a doll of her, she was fucking 10 years old. And you know that De Niro didn’t cheap out on the doll. He probably paid a lot for the doll to be made. Good thread or cotton or double stitch or something. So good job, Bobby D. But maybe IMDB is not telling us the whole story. Maybe Mr. De Niro has a doll made for every opposite lead in whatever movie he is making on their birthday. Now that would be a fucking creep show and a half! I would have paid to see Robert De Niro presenting a doll he had made of Wesley Snipes to him on the set of The Fan. Also, I now want a Wesley Snipes doll. MAKE IT HAPPEN, DE NIRO!

After filming Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story (2005), Kurt Russell, who plays her father, bought her a palomino horse, whom she named Goldie. Goldie lives on a ranch near Dakota’s home where she can visit him often.

BOOM! FUCKING BOOM! A fucking horse!?! A fucking real horse!?! Wow, Kurt Russell is the KING of present giving. Seriously, he makes Tom Cruise and Robert De Niro look like chumps. A fucking phone? An iPod? I currently have an iPhone which does both of those things and it cost less than $100. A doll? A doll that Dakota can’t even play with and she will most likely grow out of collecting dolls. But a damn horse? Wow. Just wow. Kurt Russell, folks. I always wanted to befriend Kurt Russell before – Escape from New York, Big Trouble in Little China, Overboard, Tango & Cash, Backdraft, Captain Ron, Tombstone, Stargate, married Goldie Hawn and raised Kate Hudson, had a kick ass mullet for like ever – but now I need to invite him to a birthday party of mine stat. Maybe he’ll buy me a Wesley Snipes doll.

Is the youngest member of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences (she joined in 2006).

This may explain why the “Academy” never nominates the right movies to be best picture. She was 12. Fucking 12. She wasn’t even old enough to see a stupid PG-13 movie by herself and she is deciding what is the “best picture” of the year. Come on. Currently, it is still illegal for her to purchase a ticket to see a Rated-R film because she is SIXTEEN! I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Dakota. I lost my temper there. It’s not your fault. The Academy has sucked for…*thinking*…. however long the Academy has been around for I guess. Dakota, as long as you thought The Dark Knight should have been at least nominated for Best Picture then we can be friends again.

Speaking of the greatest movie of all time, I would have given The Dark Knight every award last year. I would have literally just written “The Dark Knight” in every category regardless of what that category was.

Best Picture: The Dark Knight

Best Actress: The Dark Knight

Best Documentary: The Dark Knight

Best Foreign Film: THE DARK KNIGHT YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! IT SHOULD WIN EVERY STUPID AWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congressional Medal of Honor: The Dark Knight

NBA Defensive Player of the Year: The Dark Knight

Maxim’s Top 100 Hottest Female Celebrities: THE DARK KNIGHT

AVN – Best Gangbang Scene Featuring Anal – THE DARK KNIGHT!!!!!

Was ranked #9 in E’s most cutest child stars all grown-up even if she still is a child.(2005)

Ummmm… Excuse me “E”, but I think Chris Hansen has something to talk to you about. Am I right? She was 11. “All grown-up”? Who is in charge of making those lists, “historical reference from the 1600’s”? Also, is it weird that I’m more disgusted at “most cutest” than I am that they chose an 11 year old as an “all grown-up”. Most cutest? I guarantee you if I applied for a job at “E” I wouldn’t get hired, but “most cutest” has a job there. This world is fucking unfair.

I won’t lie to you, #9!?! Who is most cutester than Dakota?

Her first word was “Momo,” which was the family cat’s name.

My first words were “ball” and “truck”.

For her, the hardest thing at the end of a movie is saying goodbye to the cast.

Awwwwwwwwwww…. Because she is a kid!

Hadn’t read all the books from the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer before she was cast in New Moon (2009) but she wanted to do it, because she loved the cast, and the movie.

Dakota, let me save you some time and say “don’t read the books”. I’ll just tell you how they end and save you the trouble – in the end THEY SUCK. That’s the end. Or I could rewrite that as “in the end THE BOOKS ARE A WASTE OF YOUR TIME WHEN YOU COULD HAVE BEEN READING ANY OTHER BOOK THAT WAS BETTER.”

While filming Push (2009) in Hong Kong, she wasn’t recognized.

Come on. Not once? Step up your game HK-China. Seriously, she was in Man on Fire – that movie was the illest.

And finally, a quote from Dakota Fanning regarding being an actress:

“I’ve always wanted to be an actress, ever since I was a little girl. I’ve always played the mom and I play my sister as the daughter. I wanted to be an actress on television and movies instead of just around the house.”

Some people wait their whole lives to achieve their dream. Some people like Dakota Fanning waited 5 years… when she turned 5! Or let’s really figure this out. She started reading at 2 years old. And let’s say there was a wayward year after that when Dakota was thinking about how she wanted to spend the rest of her life. What are we at now? 2+1 = 3! Between the ages of 3 years old and 5 years old, Dakota Fanning was not achieving her dream and since then SHE HAS!

Fuck, I am depressed.

Happy Birthday, Dakota Fanning.

I could be angrier. I could be. The Pittsburgh Steelers lost in overtime to the Baltimore Ravens. A game that they could have won. But, in all honesty, I was expecting a much worse showing than the Steelers gave. Early in the week they had made it abundantly clear that Ben Roethlisberger was going to play despite the concussion he suffered the previous game. At the proverbial last minute, Ben was not cleared to play and this opened the door to 3rd string quarterback Dennis Dixon to make his first NFL start.

Basically a rookie quarterback, no Troy Polamalu, at Baltimore, against the vaunted Ravens defense!?!

I was expecting to lose. The Baltimore Ravens opening drive didn’t help my confidence any as they took the ball the length of the field for a touchdown fairly easily. If you watched the game, you would have seen all the depressing statistics the Ravens have on their usually lackluster opening drives. Now they are up 7-0, gggrrreeeaaattt. So how did the rook do?

Pretty great, actually. Dennis Dixon scored two touchdowns, led a drive for a field goal and, finally, threw an interception that cost them the game. It was better than people expected and, in the end, ended the way one would think a rookie start versus one of the best defenses in the league and your team’s number 1 bitter rival would end. So, he played well. Rashard Mendenhall ran like a beast and our defense played pretty well. The Steelers are playing well enough to keep these games competitive and make you believe only to have your heart ripped out of your chest and peed on at the end of the game, but I guess that is better than getting woodshedded like some other teams have been around the league.

Oh, but it would have been so nice if they won. Why?

Dennis Dixon = “Steamin’” Willie Beamen

Just saying. If Dixon won last night’s game then the Steelers would officially be Any Given Sunday and my life would be complete.

Also I was going to title this post “the six inches in front of your face” as a reference to Al Pacino’s speech in Any Given Sunday, but I’m going to take a wild guess and say that the comments section would be flooded with a lot different interpretation of that sentence. You people. You dirty people.

As far as the rest of the NFL, I watched all three games on Thanksgiving, the Jets/Panthers game on Sunday, and the Vikings/Bears game on Sunday. I’m not sure if anyone has ever said this, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say this guy named Brett Favre knows how to play football. Call me crazy, but I think this guy has a future in the league. At the age of 112, Brett Favre is having arguably the best season of his long long long long long illustrious career; through 11 games Brett has thrown 2874 yards, 24 touchdowns and only 3 interceptions. Even if “The Old Man”, as I call him or “The Silver Fox” as Jared Allen calls him, has the breakdown game that everyone has been expecting from the start where he throws 4 interceptions he would still be having an unreal season.

Thanksgiving and the subsequent break from work I received for it went pretty well. I ate a shit ton of turkey which does not sound at all appetizing. How much turkey? A shit ton? Fair enough. I followed that up with a fuck ton of biscuits, which sounds more appetizing the more you repeat it in your head. What is the difference between a shit ton and a fuck ton? It is relativity. A lot of people eat a lot of turkey. Turkey is the main dish and you are expected to eat anywhere from at least a little to eating a whole damn turkey and pissing off your relatives because turkeys take forever to cook and they will have to fill up on cranberry sauce and string beans instead of emeffin’ turkey.

A shit ton indicates that I indeed ate a lot of turkey. More turkey than what an average human being should or likely would eat. At some point, the majority of human beings would feel their stomach seizing in agony from all the turkey they had previously shoved into themselves and stopped shoving more turkey down their throat. But I am not most people. I write a blog about Kristen Stewart for fuck’s sake. So I pressed on and despite any injuries like the throbbing pain in my gut that I may have ate so much turkey it was now invading other organs in my body and mutating them into half human/half turkey organs I still ate more turkey. But again, it was Thanksgiving and I feel comfortable in my belief I was not the only one doing such things. If this was on a typical Tuesday then I would have upgraded from “shit ton” to “fuck ton” or been committed to a hospital for such high volume turkey eating without a holiday to justify it.

The fuck ton of biscuits is purposefully categorized as such because I do not believe as large of a group of the population gorges on biscuits in the same fashion I was. I ate a lot of mashed potatoes et cetera, but the biscuits were a sight. If the concept, the idea, the ethereal form of a biscuit ceased to exist today and there would be no biscuits or anything of the like from today onward until Kristen Stewart unmakes the world with her want during her inevitable young Hollywood starlet nervous breakdown – I would have had my fill this past Thursday. I ate enough biscuits on Thanksgiving that I satisfied any other sane person’s biscuit eating tally for the rest of their life. But I will eat more biscuits. There will always be more biscuits in my future. Unless everyone wants an apocalyptic scenario like in the movie 2012 where Earth is splitting in two and crumbling, there should be more biscuits in my future. You wouldn’t like me when I don’t have my biscuits.

Shit ton and fuck ton aside, I also saw The Fantastic Mr. Fox which you should all see. I also also saw a very sophisticated film that is/was much more enlightening and intelligent than that Twilight mess: Ninja Assassin. I am an adult and as an adult I would like to watch movies that are of an adult matter that I can relate to like ninjas. Seriously, high school vampire romance? I think you’re all a little too old to be watching such childish material. I, on the other hand, will sit at the adult table and discuss ninjas like the well educated man I play on TV. The movie was ok. Away We Go was also watched and was good and people should see it with their eyes.

There were 4 tweens standing inline in front of myself and my friend at the movies on our intellectual field trip to see said ninja movie. They, on the other hand, were going to see New Moon and they were all wearing “Team Jacob” t-shirts. I was going to write “they looked like screamers”, but that easily could be construed in a sexual manner and they looked anywhere between the ages of 13 and 14. Instead, I will rewrite what my publicist has written for me: “These young women below the legal age of consent appeared to be the type to exclaim loudly with joy and merriment when Taylor Lautner’s shirtless image is presented to them.”

I wonder if there is one truly clueless high school or junior high school principal in America who has no idea what Twilight is. Their school’s halls overrun by girl students in “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” t-shirts. Struggling to understand this predicament, he makes a formal conclusion on the matter believing that the females have chosen sides over two male students at the school. Scared there will be a turf war cat fight that will tear the foundation of his school apart, he calls a meeting of the teachers. He addresses the teachers in the teachers’ lounge. Coffee mugs and donuts for everyone. Dark bags under his eyes from many restless sleepless nights agonizing over what to do.

“I’m sure you are all wondering why I called this emergency action meeting. I have a great deal of concern for our school and maybe out town’s future. I believe we are standing at the edge of the precipice. I believe there is something brewing in these halls. I hear the screams. I see their wild eyes. They are wearing uniforms. They have laid down the battle lines. They have chosen their sides. And I don’t know what will happen next, but I think it will be bad. Catastrophic even. In short, I am terrified for all of our safety.”

He loosens his tie and wipes sweat from his brow.

“We need to think of something. We need to think of something fast before this madness consumes all of us. At the very least, we need to think of a solution that will save us from losing the lives of this next generation of women. Who will be the mothers of this town tomorrow if we do not save these girls today? I beg you. I implore you. We need to stop this war between the factions of Team Jacob and Team Edward!”

The teachers are stunned into silence by this imbecile’s words. He takes this shock as his desired response. The horror that is Team Jacob vs. Team Edward has stolen their very words.

“I believe I have deduced correctly that Jacob is resident 10th grade Jacob Razynski. He is the starting right middie of our varsity lacrosse team. Jacob was quite popular last year when he won the starting duties on our 6-4 lacrosse team during his freshman year. That was an unprecedented jump. No freshman in our school’s history had ever started on our varsity lacrosse team. I believe that the frenzy for his sophomore year effort on the team is what has caused these young women to choose him. As for Team Edward, I think we all know that can only be alluding to senior Edward Page.”

The stunned silence has now turned to an amusing calm at this stupidity or a tight lipped fury that this idiot is their boss. He is high on the attention and is pleased with his detective abilities.

“Edward Page Jr., better known as Teddy P, has successfully campaigned and been elected for class President every year while attending this high school. He vaulted into stardom when in his sophomore year he revolutionized the cafeteria by introducing a “make your own snow cone” machine. Between a record breaking Valentine’s Day heart shaped cookie bake sale and a generous donation from his father, Edward Page I Esquire, he single handedly changed this school forever. I, myself, eat at least one snow cone everyday. If I am having a particularly troubling morning I may indulge in a snow cone to lift my spirits, but on an average day I eat one in the afternoon. Generally around 2pm, I will make a blueberry, lemon, and cherry snow cone. It is two parts-

The principal notices a hand is raised: Andrew Starkey, 35, algebra teacher.

“Yes, Andrew. Do you have a quest-

“You’re a moron.”

“What? What did y-

“I said ‘you are a moron’. Teachers? Is he or is he not a moron?”

Some nod, some grumble yes, some emphatically repeat “he is a moron”.

“Jacob Razynski? Teddy P? Who the hell calls him Teddy P besides you? Jacob and Ed Page are not what those t-shirts are referring to you jackass. They are for Edward Cullen and Jacob Black. It is because of those stupid books and those stupid movies. My 12 year old and my 9 year old are absolutely obsessed with those dumb books. I think I’m going to snap if one of my daughters asks me again about my “immortal love” for their mother. I absolutely hate my wife right now because she brought those books and that movie into my home. I thin-

“I’m sorry to cut you off, but what movie and what books?”

Twilight!?! There are commercials for the movie on TV all the time. New Moon? The kids in those movies are all over everything. Robert Pattinson? Taylor Lautner? And then there is the main girl Kristen Stewart.”

“Oh I know her. She wants it.”

All the teachers nod, grumble yes, and emphatically repeat “Kristen Stewart wants it”.

“Kristen Stewart does want it. You know, you’re not such a bad guy. I was wrong for calling you a moron. She does want it.”

“Well then now that we are all on the same side, why don’t we go get some snow cones? To Kristen Stewart! And her wanting it!”

– End Scene –

Outside of that, I went to a party on Saturday night. I did not know the majority of the people at the party nor did the friends I was there with. About half way through the party I am standing there talking to someone I did know when a friend of mine rushes up to me. He is red faced and his eyes are watering from laughing. He is almost out of “breadth”. He takes a moment and then begins an amazing set of rhetorical questions.

Do you remember the movie Independence Day?

Do you remember the part of the movie when they go to Area 51 to dissect the alien Will Smith caught?

Do you remember the main scientist?

The one who had the long hair, beard, glasses and was all cracked out?

He was the one who got thrown up against the glass and the alien used his tentacle wrapped around that guy’s throat to communicate with the Secret Service and the President played by Bill Pullman?

OF-FUCKING-COURSE I REMEMBER!

Look to your right.

BAM!

The guy standing 6 feet from me looked exactly like him! He didn’t look like Brent Spiner, but he looked like the fucking doctor character in Independence Day. As if that character had came to life and 13 years later was at a keg party in a basement standing 6 feet from me. That’s what that guy looked like. I immediately started laughing. After a minute I calmed down and went back to my original conversation. A couple minutes later, I was taking a sip of beer and turned to my right and the guy was standing right next to me.

I almost spit all the beer right in his face.

At the last second, my muscles caught my involuntary reaction of spitting the beer in his face and now I am choking on the beer. Choking on the beer leads me to almost throwing up on him or the wall next to him. But I stopped myself. And then I spent the rest of the night with acid reflux from the violent spit/choke/throw up/coughing fit. DAMN YOU OBSCURE MOVIE REFERENCES THAT COME TO LIFE!

Anyway, that was my Thanksgiving.

I am not a Virgo. I am a Gemini which means my split personalities are to be expected and considered cute.

I see what you are all doing. Don’t pretend like I don’t know. I know. I know it and you know it. You should know it that I know it. Unless you don’t think I’m capable of knowing what you know because that is flat out ridiculous. I know what you know. I know what you don’t know. I know what you don’t want me to know. And I know you should know all of that. Just thought you should know.

Oh, Edward is a stalker. Edward is a creep. Edward hurts Bella. Edward is an old man. Edward is a 90+ year old virgin. Edward is controlling. Edward is gay. I made up the last one, but you get the picture.

You’re trying to take away my ammunition! You’re trying to cut holes in my sails! You’re trying to rain on my parade! You’re trying to tell me that when Maggie Gyllenhaal’s boyfriend in Donnie Darko beeps his horn when he drops her from their late night rendezvous that he is signaling to Donnie upstairs asleep in his bed that they made it from traveling back through time and that he needs to wake up to get out of bed so he isn’t killed by the airplane engine that is about to crush his house! I don’t buy that Richard Kelly! I don’t buy that her boyfriend in the bunny suit was apart of the time travel business! I need to stop exclaiming… I think he beeps his horn because he is saying goodnight to Maggie and that only Donnie travels through time. Donnie seeing the kid in the bunny outfit is some type of prophecy of time travel and not the actual kid in the bunny outfit. Donnie is just getting closer and closer to converging and breaking the time space continuum that his world is beginning to morph and collapse on itself like him seeing the time trails that look like the alien creature thing in The Abyss coming out of everyone’s stomachs at the party. And also….

Oh who am I kidding? That movie makes no fucking sense! It blinded me with Echo and the Bunnymen, an amazing Patrick Swayze cameo, talks of Smurfs fucking and, of course, time travel. Let alone that the amazing Tears for Fears cover would make any movie watchable. Any movie. Even that shit Twilight movie. Whoops! Awww… KSWI Jordan, why do you do that?

Your big plan is to detonate the bomb of Edward and Jacob hate by hating on them yourselves in the comment section, so I have nothing left to say. I see it. I like it. But it puts me in an awkward position. Awkward like my elevator ride earlier. Hey buddy, I know that no one is in the office today, but could you button at least three of those buttons on your shirt, not including the cuffs. The elevator ride was me, my coffee, and this guy’s chest hair. Zing! Thanks. That is exactly what I need to help me get through today.

So what do I do?

I could rewrite all the bad things that you say about Edward. I could rewrite them as if you didn’t write them already in the comments section because it isn’t like I read the comments section on my mountain of Mandom. And you’ve even ruined that for me right now. I can’t right “mandom” without thinking you are thinking about some “man” “dom” because you’re all a bunch of creeps who read slash fiction or something. Jeez. It’s the whole “that’s what she said” where I have to dissect everything I’m about to say to make sure it isn’t “that’s what she said” applicable. But I can’t stop myself anyway because it is too funny to say “that’s what she said”. Especially in public.

I could write how old Edward is. I could write about him living through World War I and II. I could write how Edward lived in a world prior to not only the word “airplane”, but the damn thing as well. I could write that Edward’s inexplicable ability to not find a mate in 100 years on this planet is not romantic, but CRAZY! I could write how mentally deranged Edward must be to not only do that, but to have lived through that. I could write that the idea of a 100 year old virgin is not an attribute women should fawn over. I could write that the idea a typical regular average Joe might not be great at sex, but a 100 year old virgin vampire will be so bad at sex and his concept of it will be so insane by that point that he’ll end up doing something so creepy it will scar you for life. I’m just saying don’t be surprised if he sticks his penis in your ear.

But you all know that already. And you don’t care!

I could write how Edward’s “immortal love” would get old real quick. I could write how in Edward’s world there is no such thing as “girl’s night out”. Edward will be tagging along to your “girl’s night”. Those nights where you go out with your friends to talk girl stuff and flirt with guys you have no intention of sleeping with (just being cock teases) and getting drunk on hard liquor and dancing and laughing about your current boyfriends or husbands or 100 year old newly de-virginized vampire lovers. Those nights don’t exist anymore. Edward will be at that bar. Edward will be creeping at the other end of the bar staring at you and your friends listening in on your conversations with his vampire ears. Your friends will see him because he both doesn’t want to be seen and wants to be seen at the same time because in reality he is prissier than the high school girl(s) he is attracted to.

I could write that you would have to teach Edward to be a hu-MAN. I could write how for a normal life with Edward you would need to get Edward into football or baseball or basketball or something that will suck up hundreds of hours of his life so that you can have some peace and quiet of your own. If you just want to snuggle up with a blanket in the living room reading the newest issue of US Weekly on a Saturday – that just won’t happen. I could write how Edward will be in that room with you. I could write how Edward will just longingly stare at you for the entire time and whisper the lyrics of Every Breath You Take to you. But he doesn’t know that song. He thinks he is coming up with this off the top of his head because that is how he feels. Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you.

Romantic? No. I’ve seen girls. I’ve met girls. I know girls. You will all hate that shit. It might be cute for a week or at best a month, but in the end you will hate that shit.

I could write that your relationship with Edward will end badly. I could write that your whirlwind relationship of “immortal love” will begin with you fucking his brains out. Good job. After you have “romantically” fucked his brains out you will have opened the flood gates forever for his creep ways. You have waited how long for him to come along in your life? It is only a fraction of time compared to him. He has waited for OVER 100 YEARS FOR YOU! Guess what? He is going to spend every waking and sleeping second with you. This is bad news. You will try to reason with him. But vampires who believe in immortal love and have sacrificed a 100 years of sex on the chance of your existence don’t understand reason. He will never stop being right next to you, saying weird stuff and never leave you alone.

Edward will leave you childish love notes written in some archaic turn of the century poetic style that doesn’t even resemble modern romantic poetry that you will read and roll your eyes at and shrug at and throw away and he will find them thrown away and cry to himself because you are not saving them in some scrap book for the rest of fucking time.

He’ll tell you all the boring stories of his life over and over and over again. Why are they boring? Because a guy willing to not have sex for over a 100 years is motherfucking boring. He is not a cool guy. He also drives a Volvo. BY CHOICE! He has no concept of safety standards and he doesn’t have children. He is also filthy rich. He just wants to drive a Volvo. Edward will tell you his boring stories and talk about waiting all these years for you and he’ll always be pushing you to walk in the woods with him. Ugh! Enough with the fucking woods! There is poison ivy in the woods! Our house is infested with bugs because we carry them from all those stupid woods walks back into the house! My feet have calluses from all this woods walking! There are skunks out there! If I spend enough time in the woods I will get skunked! Is that what you want my immortal lover? Me to get skunked!?!

You will fight. You will have arguments, but he won’t understand why he can’t just be with you all the time and why you don’t love him in the creep every second ever love way that he does for you. So this relationship will go one of two ways. You’ll try to change him or you’ll dump him. Or you’ll cheat on him and get him to dump you if you are passive aggressive, but we don’t have time for that one… also shhhhhhhh girls don’t ever do that. No matter what, this relationship is going to end at some point. Let’s go down avenue A which makes the charade last a little bit longer.

I could write about how you will try to make him that typical guy with the sports or videogames or hobbies, but they won’t take. Now that Edward has you he doesn’t need thunderstorm baseball plus he’ll want you there watching him play thunderstorm baseball when/if he does play it. You’re going to need him to develop a drinking problem and find friends that are questionable who take him out to strip clubs or shady bars or to a football game every Sunday. Just like a typical guy. You need Edward to have those friends not only to suck up his time, but so you can yell at him for having some morally questionable friends that you don’t get along with. All of this is because currently his hobby is you. He needs another hobby. Life is long. Real long. Unless you die, life is fucking looooooooooooooonnnnnggggggg. Edward isn’t going anywhere and that will be very tiring.

In the end, Edward will not take on any hobbies. He has waited for 100 years for you and nothing else will compare. I could write about how you will fight again. This time you will break up. You will blame him for being too clingy as well as a host of other problems that may or may not be true, but will be added to the list to make you feel justified in dumping this sap. I could write how you will have ruined Edward. I could write you have taken his virginity, robbed him of his love, dumped him and you will move on while he will fall into a downward spiral of vice. I could write how Edward will turn to cocaine, vodka, and blood cocktails and he’ll womanize with prostitutes. Edward will fall into the depths of addiction from drugs to sex to gambling to drunk dialing you until you need to change your number, address and move altogether.

I could write how in the end, Edward will be killed by Fake-Michael Sheen or Fake-Dakota Fanning because he has disgraced himself. I could write how he will be glad that they will finally end his life. I could write after 100 years of virginal vampiral life, Edward will be dead within a year of loving one human woman.

I could write that. But I won’t.

Hmmmm… what about Jacob?

I could write “seriously!?! That guy!” I could write that girls choosing Jacob cannot be seen as anything more than just wanting to see him take his shirt off. There is no “immortal love” there. That is lowest common denominator. Girls being attracted to Jacob is like guys being attracted to Megan Fox. Purely superficial. There is no romance or future in that. I could write how I don’t even have to get creative here because no one is trying to justify that relationship than he has muscles and is pretty. I could write that I see nothing wrong with this superficialism as long as people don’t act like there is anything else there.

I could write that none of you would respect him. I could write that since he is so pretty and musclely that you’ll all immediately judge him as being retarded. I could write how we all do that already for really good looking people. I could write that anyone physically over a 9 we think might have a 60 IQ. I could write that whether he is smart or not you’ll still treat him like an idiot. I could write that if Jacob is smarter than you or just as smart as you then you will hold that against him and hate him out of spite. I could write that Jacob is a part of a pack of wolves who are like brothers to him and how they live to help each other. I could write that you will call Jacob and his wolf brothers “gay” during an argument and maybe all arguments with him.

I could write that you will belittle Jacob for not being the leader of the wolf pack even though you have told him that you don’t want him to be leader of a violent and murderous pack of supernatural vampire fighting wolves. I could write that Jacob will eventually spend more and more time with the wolf pack because of these fights and you will call him a coward from running away from your life together.

Or I could write that Jacob will one day kill you or horribly scar you because he is a fucking werewolf either with his claws or from “phasing” or whatever it was that was mentioned in the comments.

I could write that, but I won’t.

I guess I’ll just skip to my conclusion because I didn’t get a chance to write anything that I wanted today because of you women and your devious plots against me. I was going to say that I think Bella should pick neither of these guys: Jacob or Edward. I would have gone on to say how I think both of these guys are asking way too much from a teenage girl. These guys have lives that are way too serious for someone to be wrapped up in at such a young age. I wanted to say that these guys live very complicated lives and your first, second, third et cetera relationships should not be this complicated.

I was going to write that my personal opinion is that Bella should keep it in her pants until she gets to college.

Bella should go to college. Bella should meet some normal people. Bella should hang out with humans. Bella should try to avoid wildly dangerous situations like marrying a vampire and/or a werewolf for awhile. Bella should experience the world first before she decides to enter a mythical battle between fairy tale monsters. If one can avoid the pitfalls of life then one should avoid them. Marrying a vampire and becoming a vampire are a lot worse decisions at eighteen than getting a tramp stamp tattoo in Cancun on Spring Break. You can’t undid being a vamp or having Edward watch you when you sleep every night always and when you try to take naps.

At the same time, who the fuck is this Bella chick? From what I can tell she isn’t anything special. So she might want to grab a hold of Edward or Jacob right now before they realize they should’ve proposed to a chick who can hold up her end of the conversation and maybe has something in common with them. So who am I to judge? Edward’s rich and Jacob’s jacked. That might be enough.

That being said…

I do like the soundtrack to New Moon. And Kristen Stewart wants IT. I laughed until I cried while watching the movie. I was laughing at all the girls screaming. I was laughing at the ridiculousness of full scenes based around these guys walking in slow motion or taking their shirts off. I was laughing at how much Kristen Stewart wanted it. I was laughing a lot. I was also drunk. I enjoyed it in all that regard. I’ve had fun talking about it with the people who have seen it or haven’t seen it. It never gets old hearing someone tell me how poorly written the books are, but how badly I need to read them because they are great. Not one book, but all four. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that, but I like it.

I think my review for New Moon is done. I would talk about Kristen more, but she really didn’t seem like the focus of the movie in the least. She is just kind of there. I think these movies are terrible vehicles to prove whether or not she is an actress, but they’ll make her famous enough that some real director with a real script will take that gamble on her. I would like to see her in a Spike Jonze movie, pretty much.

Thursday and Friday posts will be more random chapters from that book idea from last Friday. Also,

Happy Thanksgiving

Hmmmm… I was wondering why I didn’t see any responses. I forgot to click “publish” an hour ago. Interesting.

I’m a little disappointed. There was no ass, let alone black ass, on television last night. Or there could have been, but I didn’t see it. I watched Monday Night Football and can you believe there was not one play where a guy got his pants ripped off? I would like to point out that the term “depantsing” was the term of choice that I saw people using and even I got caught up in that whirlwind of verbage. But “depantsing” is somewhat a redundant phrase. The act of “pantsing” someone is not putting pants on them. “Pantsing” someone is pulling their pants down. So to “pants” or to “depants” are the same actions. What is the term to put someone’s pants on for them? “Helpful”?

There was a great football game last night between the Tennessee Titans and the Houston Texans. One great aspect to sports is the “nickname”. Thinking up a nickname that truly fits a certain person is an art form. Everyone in your everyday life does not deserve a great nickname, but all professional football players deserve a nickname because they are all crazy. Also, if you use a nickname for a player it sounds like you know more about them than maybe you do. The one nickname I have been focusing on a lot recently is “The Sheriff” for Peyton Manning.

Former Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach and current Monday Night Football color commentator, Jon Gruden, has been pushing the nickname “The Sheriff” for Peyton Manning. I love it. He mentions it a lot regardless of whether Peyton is playing in the game that he is commentating on. The one problem is that Jon’s explanation of “The Sheriff” is a bad one. He believes Peyton Manning is “The Sheriff” because “he always gets his man”. No homo, right? I don’t care for that explanation because well it sounds stupid. My interpretation:

Peyton Manning is “The Sheriff” because he is the law.

I like that much better. Peyton Manning is the law out on the field when he is playing. He is calling the plays, the audibles, pointing out coverages, confusing the defense, telling people to shift et cetera. Peyton Manning is that offense when he plays. The Colts’ greatness lives and dies by Peyton’s arm. Much like Judge Dredd, Peyton Manning is the law.

Just some food for thought. And if you know Jon Gruden please tell him. If you know Peyton Manning, I NEED TO SPEAK TO HIM! I have a television show idea for Peyton that he would be absolutely perfect for. But I digress…

New Moon? To say that I didn’t understand much of the logic behind New Moon would be a big understatement. A “big understatement” like “I think that Kristen Stewart chick wants it” or “I think a couple girls in the theater wanted New Moon to turn into graphic porn when Bella hugged the shirtless Jacob” or “I think KSWI Jordan likes that song ‘Dead Man’s Party’ by Oingo Boingo.” Like it!?! I fucking love it. I listen to it all the time. It is Danny Elfman in an 80’s new wave band and it’s in a pivotal scene of Back to School. So yes, I love that song. And Kristen Stewart wants IT so bad my brain’s ability to perceive colors is damaged when I look at her. All I see is a halo of light that screams want which was distracting while watching the movie. What did that blur of all colors say? I’m partially deaf because that “thing” just wants it so bad all I can hear is my brain vibrating.

The following are a list of themes, subplots or individual scenes that I found particularly troubling while watching Twilight: New Moon.

Domestic Violence

I was expecting New Moon to be light-hearted and funny. And nothing is more light-hearted and funny than a reoccurring subplot about domestic violence. Oh don’t we all get a big chuckle out of domestic violence. You know what is even funnier than good ole’ domestic violence is when the chick is cool with it. HAHAHAH… funny stuff, right? Wasn’t that flat out hysterical when we found out that the head werewolf, Sam, attacked his lady and she completely forgave him. That is a great message to teach the teen girls in the audience. A new generation of young women thinking it is not only A-OK to date a werewolf if the option presented itself, but when he attacks you it is your job to just get over it. Oh wait, there are no werewolves, so the closest thing would just be some steroided jock in high school who will attack you instead.

I was also amazed that the question of whether or not Jacob would attack Bella was not a question at all. Jacob will attack Bella at some point. It isn’t “if”, it is purely “when”. So, yeah. If Bella is cool with getting her face clawed half off like Sam’s chick then all will be fine and we can begin planning the wedding. But if Bella wants to be an uppity-bitch about a 600 pound werewolf using her as a punching bag then maybe they shouldn’t rub foreheads together anymore.

Sidenote: The one werewolf who does almost attack Bella before Jacob literally jumps in, that guy’s apology was not sufficient. That’s an understatement. Hey dude, what the mother eff!?! Did you just turn into a werewolf and try to attack a girl? First off, hitting chicks is not cool. Second off, hitting chicks when you transform into an 8 foot tall mythical beast with unimaginable power is really not cool. But what should I expect? Their leader is beating his wife and they are all expecting to attack whatever lucky lady they decide to rope into this morbid fantasy world. Seriously Twilight? Chicks getting beat up?

Bella Always Has To Be Protected

Half of this movie was people and/or Bella herself talking about how she needs to be protected. From what? By who? If Bella really needs to be protected from vampires then she shouldn’t get a vampire to protect her. She should stop hanging out with vampires altogether. I am good friends with some ladies in this world. Our friendship is not built around my ability to protect them from vampires. If it is then I was not aware of that. Back to the issue, the reason why our friendship is not based around me protecting them from vampires is because they do not hang out with vampires who have vampire enemies that feel the need to kill the first vampires’ human friends. You might be saying “but vampires don’t exist” or do they?

Either way, Anna Kendrick’s character who might as well not be in the movie as well as 90% of the people in the movie because no one bothers to write a decent side character in this movie… She is not being attacked by vampires. Reason being she is not hanging out with vampires. So when Edward leaves to protect Bella that makes perfect fucking sense. Bella finding Edward to be protected by him again makes no fucking sense. Plus he sucks at fighting. He got pwned by that Felix guy. Edward better hope that whatever vampire does attack Bella sucks at fighting because currently Edward sucks at fighting. And Dakota Fanning beat him up too. I’m not saying he should’ve beat her up because I’m anti-guys hitting girls (unlike some werewolves I know), but he shouldn’t get beat up by a 15 year old.

And as far as Jacob goes, I’m not sure who he is protecting her from because he needs to worry more about how he is going to one day tear her face off with his damn claws.

Any danger Bella is in is 100% caused by herself getting involved with either one of these idiots. And she is an idiot for getting involved with them. I guarantee none of the other kids in their high school have any of the problems that Bella has because they are not fraternizing with MONSTERS! Monsters that are both widely known to attack HUMAN BEINGS!

There is also mention of Bella protecting Edward at points. Who mentions this? Bella does of course. This chick is out of her fucking mind! Who are you protecting him from? Not a vampire. Not a werewolf. Not any girl over 5’5” most likely.

Charlie aka Bella’s Father

I have a lot of problems with how the character of Charlie is treated in this movie. I don’t know Charlie all that well and that is why first and foremost I am going to refer to him as MR. SWAN! Who the fuck are these kids that they are calling him Charlie all the time? Is it my imagination or do you not call your friends’ parents by their first names? I don’t walk around my friend’s house calling his parents Bill and Erica. I give them some age respect and call them by their last name. These punks keep calling him “Charlie” all the time. When did you and “Charlie” start going on fishing trips together? He is Mr. Swan. He is also the chief of police or sheriff or whatever. Sir or Mr. Swan or Officer. Whatever. But not “Charlie”.

Oh yeah, I’m going to call him “Charlie” because I want to be like the cool kids.

Also, when did Charlie become the albatross around Bella’s neck? Everyone is guilting Bella into doing one thing or another and using Charlie as the excuse. Bella you need to stay to watch over Charlie. Charlie? You mean her father!?! Charlie is a grown man with a grown man’s job. In the details of his job he carries a gun. A GUN! He can take care of himself. If anything his life would be so much easier if his crazy daughter wasn’t around screaming all night. The man is sleeping on the couch because his 18 year old daughter has night terrors from her boyfriend inexplicably leaving! Does he know anything about her boyfriend who sparkles in sunlight, is listless, skin complexion of alabaster and looks 35? Does he know anything about why his 18 year old daughter is fixing motorcycles with the Native American kid who now is enormous with muscles or why his daughter goes backpacking through the forest by herself?

If Charlie was kept in the loop of any of Bella’s decision making maybe Charlie could help. I’m not saying Charlie has any experience dating vampires or a werewolf, but he may have some common sense reasoning that could help. I’m not sure the best person to ask advice about dating a vampire would be another vampire considering they’re perspective is a little skewed. Plus they’re a vampire that already wants to be besties with you and wants you and Ed to be together forever. And she is a chick and chicks are crazy.

At the very least, maybe Bella simply saying the stupid stuff she is planning on doing out loud to another human being who actually has concerns for her mortal safety will by nature illicit a physical facial tick or saying “Seriously!?! You’re going to Italy!?!” or “You can not fucking just live in the woods Bella!” or “This is not a cliff diving family!”, you know… just something. They paint Charlie as the “stupid dad” like in TV commercials. Oh it’s Dad’s night to watch the kids. The kids will probably electrocute themselves or die in a house fire because stupid Dad is watching them. Maybe Dad wouldn’t be so stupid if his kid said “Hey Dad, I was dating a monster that eats people and he left me and I’m now thinking about getting on the back of this rapists motorcycle for adrenaline kicks. What do you think about that?” Charlie can help, trust me.

October/November/December

This will sound nit-picky, but that one shot of Bella sitting in her room with the names of the months appearing was stupid. Completely unnecessary and it did not fit with the rest of the film. There are no words that appear in any other variety in the movie. They do not introduce characters with any words on the screen or introduce any other months or settings. They don’t write “ITALY” when she is in ITALY all of a sudden. The months’ names were distracting. Your audience is not so retarded that they wouldn’t understand that seeing three separate scenes occurring out a window is obviously supposed to signify time passing. Or settle it the other way and actually establish a time line.

The first scene is apparently August because it is the start of school or at the very latest September. Write September or August there. Follow this up with your worthless October/November/December scene and continue showing month by month. Or is the suggestion that everything after that “December” rotation is all happening in the month of December. If that is the case then that is just even more ridiculous.

Romeo & Juliet Metaphor

This movie is not Romeo & Juliet. Very subtle Chris Weitz with the book and the movie, but it is not Romeo & Juliet. The reason why Romeo and Juliet cannot be together isn’t because they simply come from “different worlds” or however people feel the need to boil it down. Romeo and Juliet actually come from strikingly similar worlds, but there is a war between their families that is stopping them. The Cullens and the Swans are not stopping this marriage between Ed and Bella. The “Swans” aka “Charlie” is more in the dark than Stevie Wonder. No one tells that guy shit. The reason why Bella can’t/shouldn’t be with Ed is because he is a FUCKING VAMPIRE! And as it turns out he has beef with other vampires and those vampires want to kill her. Also, if she does really want to be with him she needs to BECOME A VAMPIRE!

That is not Romeo & Juliet. There are plenty of other stories where there is a bad match, but they love each other anyway for whatever reason, so stop trying to bastardize Shakespeare.

High School

I never tried too hard in school, but at some point I did have to sit down and write a paper or 100. Am I the only not buying Ed and Jacob studying for an Algebra 2 test? Or give oral reports in Spanish class? Is no one doing homework ever? When does Jacob have time to study when he is running around killing vampires in the woods? Was there not a single phone call placed by the school wondering where the hell Bella was when she was in Italy and not school or was sleeping in a hole in the forest and not in gym class? Nothing? This book is an indictment of our public school system in the Pacific Northwest.

108 Year Old Guy With A 17 Year Old Girlfriend

I will talk about this subject more tomorrow, but am I the only one who finds this disturbing? I know chicks want a guy who loves them and everything, but the dude is 108 and your 17. If you are imagining yourself as Bella and then Ed comes along and proposes immortal love to you, aren’t you a little freaked the motherfuck out? You’re 17 years old!

I am 26 years old. If I told you that I fell in love and it will be for the rest of my life with a 17 year old high school junior then you would call the authorities. You would call the police immediately. You would give them all the information about my wrist tattoos, height, New Jersey et cetera. You would think I’m a creep and you would get the police involved.

Now imagine, I’m 36. Oh God! It is worse! And what if I’m 46? 56? 66? 76? THE DUDE IS FUCKING 108 YEARS OLD!!!!!! I don’t care how young he looks. Do you think it is cool if Benjamin Button at 70 years old, but looks 15 has sex with another 15 year old? Or what about Webster? He always looks 12. He shouldn’t be allowed to get down with a 12 year old.

Are we now saying that a 17 year old girl is fully mature enough to make decisions about being with a 108 year old man? A man who also is a vampire. I’m not comfortable with that decision. Also, I hope these numbers are correct. She said she was 18 in the movie and he said he was 109 I thought. Last year the original came out, so she would be 17 and he would be 108.

Also, is Jacob her age? Or is he a century old too?

Lastly…

The one scene I did enjoy was the slow motion wolf chase of Rachelle Lefevre. It was not for the reason that was mentioned in the comments section. Sure Rachelle is very cute and watching her “bounce” up and down as she slow motion ran through the forest was cool and all. The reason why it was the scene I truly enjoined was that plus Thom Yorke’s song “Hearing Damage” was in the background. Excellent song. I’m not sure how or why they got Thom Yorke to make a song for this movie, but it was great to hear. I kind of wanted that scene to go on forever.

I think Rachelle is good looking, but who is really going to notice that she is getting replaced. I barely remember her from the first movie and she is in this movie for maybe 2 minutes. 120 seconds of running in the woods is not worth keeping around for sentimental reasons. Maybe in the third movie they’ll actually have her character talk or do something especially since she is the bad guy, right?

All these pictures have been of her obviously and she wants it. Not too much though. She kind of wants it like “I can’t believe I’m in Twilight! It is amazing! I’m going to be Victoria! That is so cool! What?… What was that? It sounded like you said I’m actually only going to be in the movie for less time it took for KSWI Jordan to write this fake dialogue. Hunh? I still get paid right?” So not so much. I like the red hair though. Did she win a sweepstakes to get the role and some found out? I’m confused.

Nevertheless, the soundtrack was pretty good. It is indie, girlie, moody, but good.

It happened. I saw it. I had the single greatest viewing experience of my entire life.

I saw all the glory.

I was humbled by its brilliance.

I was in awe.

This weekend, my previous perspective on life, love, death and “why are we all here” was shattered. It was demolished. It was completely destroyed. And now I have been born anew.

It was the closest to God’s face I will ever see with these mortal eyes and I wept.

This past weekend, I saw…

Devin Hester’s ass

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Did you think I was talking about Twilight: New Moon? Oh I saw that crap, but I’ll get to that later. This was infinitely better than that movie.

That’s his butt right there! I couldn’t believe it. I’ll set this scenario up for you:

Dawgz and I are watching TV. We’re watching the Sunday night football game of the Philadelphia Eagles vs. the Chicago Bears. The Eagles are winning in the 4th quarter with only a minute and a half left. The Bears have the ball and the whole game is resting on what will Jay Cutler be able to do in this 90 seconds with no timeouts. Can he drive the ball down field for a game winning touchdown? Will he throw another interception? Could he throw a 3rd and 1 pass short and low over the middle for Chicago Bears’ wide receiver Devin Hester to barely miss, but for Philadelphia Eagles’ cornerback Dimitri Patterson to attempt a tackle which concludes with him depantsing Devin Hester on national television? YES WE CAN!

Unreal! Dawgz and I didn’t notice it in real time, but every play is crucial in football so they do a slow motion replay to show what went wrong or right. In the replay, I was watching the short pass and watching Hester trying to catch it off his shoelaces while remaining standing so he could run for it. He should have just dove for it to get the first down because it was 3rd and 1, but it was a valiant effort trying to catch and remain standing. Then Patterson flies in and grabs Hester exactly where the Lord, our Father, intended him to: his damn pants. He spins, falls, and brings Hester’s pants with him to the ground. My first reaction was:

“Did I just see Devin Hester’s black ass on my television?”

OH YES I DID! Thank the Creator for DVR folks! Dawgz rewinds it and we pause it right where there is a perfect ass shot of Devin Hester in the middle of my TV. For the next 10 – 30 minutes, Dawgz and I proceeded to laugh uncontrollably through so many tears that Devin Hester’s black ass was completely exposed on network television and was now a frozen static image on my HD TV.

I immediately took my cell phone. Took a picture and then sent it to all of my friends. We also watched the depantsing a hundred more times. Unbelievable. Also I love Devin Hester. I did before, but this only adds to his myth already. His ass is so black too. There are a lot of brothers in the league, but their asses aren’t literally that black as Hester’s is. If Laverneus Coles got depantsed on Sunday against the Raiders we all know his ass would look like a frappucino. Or if Osi Umenyoura from the Giants got depantsed I would put my money on his ass being a cafe mocha with just a touch of Matt Hasslebeck’s ass, milk, in there. Even some really black guys who have an ass color that resembles straight coffee isn’t as black as Hester’s ass. His ass is the damn coffee bean!

Anyway, in all honesty I think I should stop talking about the NFL because someone might feel tempted to mention that my Pittsburgh Steelers lost to the Chiefs, the FUCKING CHIEFS!?!, and I can only think of one word that will describe what I will do to them and everyone they know or have ever known: holocaust. That’s right. I will holocaust you.

So… Devin Hester’s ass is wonderful. And I saw that fucking movie with the vampires and the high school kids and the werewolves and the mysterious lack of plot development, story arcs, acting skills, writing, and sense.

This week will be a short week as far as Kristen Stewart related material goes. Today, Tuesday and Wednesday, I will review New Moon in 3 parts. Today’s part will focus on the actual movie going experience and my initial thoughts. Tomorrow will be an in depth look at specific moments and themes in the film, Wednesday will end the immortal debate of Team Edward vs. Team Jacob and I’ll choose which one of these assholes should get Bella. Thursday is Thanksgiving and Friday is hangover day from Thanksgiving. I will try to post some more chapters like I did from last Friday’s post which I’m glad you all seemed to like.

As for my review, I think you noticed already that I referred to them as Edward, Jacob and Bella. Since I literally saw and heard this movie, I will be using their character names. But I’ll probably also break into Fake-Rob and Fake-Taylor when I see fit. So try to stay with me.

Where were you November 20th, 2009? John F. Kennedy on 11/22, the Twin Towers on 9/11 and now New Moon!

That’s what I leaned over and said to Dawgz while in the movie theater. Yes, I did in fact see the movie with Dawgz. I originally had plans to see the movie with other people and they canceled maybe because they realized they would actually have to see the movie. So in one last ditch effort, one hail Mary pass, I convinced Dawgz to see the movie with me. He had never seen the first in any capacity and had no interest to, but he was a little interested to see this. He refused for several hours, but what eventually sold him was my invoking: the United States Army Rangers.

Neither of us are military men nor come from a military family. But everyone knows that the motto of the Army Rangers is “never leave a man behind” which we learned from hundreds of action movies. I threw it out there that Dawgz was not being a Ranger and he was shredded by that idea. It was a low blow, but I couldn’t see this movie alone. Calling out Dawgz’s manhood by saying he would leave a fellow Ranger on the battlefield alone was a confrontational moment in our apartment, but it had to be done. Dawgz took up the mantel and proved his manliness, his Army Ranger-ness by going to see a 2 hour movie that teen girls to grown women soil themselves at the mere mention of.

We arrived at the movie theater already a little fucked up and I brought with me 2 airplane size bottles of Jack Daniels. I bought a coke from the refreshment stand and told the guy he only had to fill it half way. He was thoroughly perplexed that I would pay full price for a half filled drink, but I assured him whether I was crazy or not that is what I wanted. Then I poured my happy juice into the coke and mixed it around to provide myself the perfect elixir to watch this movie with. I was right and wrong. I should have brought a whole fucking bottle.

Needless to say, the theater was sold out. By my estimates it was 90% vagina. I did see a few guys there, but not many. It was the 4pm showing so it was a little too early for date night. The two major uterus groups were girls who got out of school and women who left work early. I actually heard a few women talking about how they had to go back to work now and didn’t know if they could function normally now that they saw the movie. There were probably some gay guys there, but not many. I think the gays actually made the venture into NYC to watch the movie. The guys I saw seemed to be tagging along with girls they went to school with or were closeted homos and I didn’t notice. I know a couple people who saw it in the theaters in NYC and their gay guy report was that gay guys are on Team Jacob. They love Taylor. I buy that. Gay guys are in great shape. And so is Taylor. So that would make sense.

Being in the theater reminded me of high school or more so the cafeteria again. Being in a room where so many people are talking at the same time that it sounds like a car crash. It isn’t people yelling. It is fast and emphatic dialogue between hundreds of people and when all blended together like 50 violins playing the same note at once it becomes deafening. There was such a palatable excitement in there and every second the movie drew closer the more I couldn’t fucking believe I was sitting there seeing this damn movie. Seriously, I saw New Moon in theaters on opening day!?! There are so many movies I want to see that are in theaters or have been in theaters this year and I didn’t see them, but I saw this opening day.

The trailers started and I wasn’t ready for this at all. It became abundantly clear two or three trailers in that this was going to be more wild than I could have expected. I’ve seen plenty of movies with crazy fans before. I saw all the three Lord of the Rings movies on midnight showings, I saw the Matrix Reloaded at midnight and Matrix Revolutions at 9:30am as a part of the opening worldwide at the same time premiere, I saw the Star Wars trilogy reissue opening night for each and then I saw the second Star Wars trilogy at their midnights as well. I have seen nerd movies with nerds and none of them were nearly as ridiculous as this was. I know you tried to warn me that there would be screaming, but I thought you were being neurotic and hyperbolic like how women do with everything. You were right. I was wrong.

The second or third trailer was for Remember Me. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I didn’t know what Remember Me was, but Robert Pattinson is in it and when he appeared on screen in the first second after the green preview screen went away the place fucking erupted. I’m talking about Muhammad Ali knocking out George Foreman in the jungles of Africa erupted. I’m talking about America seeing Devin Hester’s black ass in slow motion HD on NBC erupted. It was absolutely ridiculous. The cacophony of screaming and shrilling. It sounded like their excitement was being torn out of their bodies. Like it was forcing itself through their pores and being yanked out of their mouths by a steel cable. It was insane. And this was for a stupid trailer. I couldn’t even comprehend what the movie was going to be like. The movie did eventually start after maybe 2 dozen trailers that have equally ludicrous romance immortal love plots like Twilight has.

When the theater went dark, these Twihards took control like this was martial law. They barked and shushed every sound because their holy grail was about to start playing. So let’s talk about this movie. I’m going to talk “spoilers” over the next few days. Since the movie did go on to make 140 million fucking dollars then you should or have seen it.

New Moon is slow. Real slow. Like everything that happens in it is slow. The opening credits were so slow it was mind numbingly ridiculous. This is a teenage vampire book, not The Ten Commandments! It felt like it took 10 minutes for New Moon to fully appear and disappear on the screen.

Kristen Stewart appears on screen and no noise. This is why the WNBA fails. Women are not out there supporting other women. You can’t allow this to fall on men. As men we already have the NBA and now you want us to watch another NBA, but filled with women. It is too much. No screaming or clapping for Miss Wants It when she showed up. And she did want it. She wants it this whole damn movie. From the awkward scenes of her in high school to her screaming in her bed to her running through Italy to the dozen or so scenes of her being driven home in her own car and then the guy driving the car gets to her house and drops her off only to run home alone in the woods – Kristen Stewart fucking wants it. But we all knew that.

It didn’t take long, but Edward shows up. In what was the first of many scenes completely based around glamor shots of either Rob or Taylor, Edward slow mo walks from his Volvo with the wind blowing his shirt to the side through the parking lot of the high school. Not one of the fellow high schoolers find this at all weird. Those kids need to be tested for proper brain activity because he does not look, act or at all seem like a high schooler. Slow motion catwalk strutting does not happen in high school parking lots and especially not in the woodsy town they are in. Also, my ears are bleeding from the screaming inside the theaters.

Ed and Bella have a nice weirdo awkward conversation with some of their classic head rubbing. It isn’t kissing. It is more like how two puppies show affection, rubbing noses and foreheads. So weird. Why on Earth would a girl want a guy who acted like this is beyond me? Hey honey, what’s up? I’m not going to kiss you hello. I’m going to passionately rub hairline against yours. But this scene stuck with me because it was my first taste of Twilight acting and writing. Phenomenal.

Twilight is so serious. So serious. The closest thing it resembled to me was Spanish Soap Operas, but it was drab and moody and with better special effects. Also this was my first time hearing Ed/Rob/Fake-Rob speak as this new iconic romantic figure. So my first impression of the great Edward Cullen, the great Robert Pattinson, was and continued to be one word the entire movie: Listless.

This motherfucker is the most listless person ever! He has no lists! Absent of lists! It was absurd. He has no energy ever. Someone get these vampires some Red Bulls because for fuck’s sake they’re all on the verge of napping. I’m not entirely sure how being a vampire works with maintaining your insulin levels, but Ed may be hypoglycemic and he may need a bag of graham crackers for a pick me up.

Then Taylor! Taylor Lautner aka Jacob shows up in the parking lot too. I think this might have been the only scene where he had his shirt on, regardless the girls screamed like a bomb went off. It was nuts. This screaming by Team Jacob prompted Team Edward girls to boo which meant the rest of the movie was a tug of war for these girls to out scream and out boo each other through out the rest of the movie when either one of these jackasses appeared on screen.

Jacob is not listless. Jacob is just kind of creepy. Ed is a creep show too, but a lot of that comes from him being pale and having no sugar in his body to speak of. As for Jacob, he is part small child and part Olympic level body builder which is freaky.

So the whole movie for the most part followed these templates:

1. Robert Pattinson is on screen listless doing the worst James Dean/Marlon Brando impression. Whatever he says is so low in the sound mix I can’t hear it and the ear piercing screeches of teenage girls is so loud my vision is blurred.

2. Taylor Lautner is on screen and has no shirt on. This is followed by the sounds of an entire theater of females violently orgasming whether they want to or not.

3. Kristen Stewart wanting it while making obscenely terrible decisions.

That is the majority of the movie.

There was more action in this movie than the last, so I can’t imagine it was worse than the first. So I imagine you all liked this one more. Also it didn’t have an unexplainable baseball scene. There was an unexplainable double date scene though.

The thing I don’t understand though is the idea of you all not wanting to see the movie with the screaming girls. That made the movie for me. The movie itself is not good. It is at best as dramatically amazing as an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (the original or remake). Seeing the movie in the circus that was screaming girls was hysterical. I couldn’t stop laughing at the absurdity of the movie and even more so the absurdity of these girls screaming when either guy appeared on screen. And I get them screaming. I get that these girls wanted to see this movie to scream because they think Rob or Taylor or both are hot. I get that. Guys don’t do that, but I get that. Guys don’t see Baywatch in theaters and scream at how hot they girls look in slow motion running down the beach. But I get the fun in it.

What I don’t get is seeing the movie to see the movie. I don’t get that you actually want to hear the dialogue and follow the plot of Bella all of a sudden flying commercially to Italy and then being driven around in a yellow Porsche to then run through the streets of some Italian city to get there just in time before Ed steps out into the sunlight to sparkle during the middle of some ritualistic ceremony for a holiday about getting rid of vampires in Italy…. WTF! Come on! Really? This is what you want to really see or hear? The girls screaming and going nuts because Rob has his shirt off make 100% sense. I get it. He is a listless motherfucker, but he has a flat stomach with those angular bones down by his waist line. He is Calvin Klein early 90’s heroin sheik. I get that. But the plot? Come on!

There is no way you two can fight each other without hurting me.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Dawgz laughed so hard when he heard that line that it caused the whole theater to start laughing. The movie was fun in that sense, but that doesn’t justify $140 million. Girls are crazy.

Tomorrow – I’ll talk about specific reoccurring themes in the movie that really irked me and the one scene that I actually enjoyed.

Editor’s note for and about myself: Do you alert a hospital before the person has the actual mental breakdown and is just showing signs of it? Or do you have to wait until they have the breakdown to take them in for psychiatric help? Just curious.

It’s the Tonight Show with KSWI Jordan!

KSWI Jordan (J) (voice over): Tonight’s special guest is your friend and mine! And by “friend”, I mean a delusional relationship where you have conversations by yourself out loud to inanimate objects that you pretend is this “friend” and you fill in those moments of silence with witty banter and dialogue in your head that that “friend” “said” to you in response to what you said. Also, you plan and go on vacations with this “friend” and buy two plane tickets and buy everything in pairs as if you are with someone else, but you are not actually with anyone else. You are just “crazy”. Anyway, I’m just glad her publicist threw caution into the wind and booked her to come on my show.

J (voice over): It’s the star of Twilight: New Moon… Kristen Stewart!

Cue music: “Legs” – ZZ Top

Kristen Stewart (KS): I want it.

J (voice over): Give her a hand folks! Give her a round of applause for her want and her legs!

KS: Hahahah… very funny… hah… now cut the fucking music. Also don’t be alarmed, but the purple insignia on my hand I can explain. I want it and sometimes because of the power of that want it cuts a hole in either the 6th or 7th dimension or maybe both, I’m not sure. It is whatever dimension that keeps all the ethereal stuff like souls of the dead and the definition of true morality. That hole becomes a doorway where the ethereal stuff try to get out into the temporal world, but the hole isn’t big enough for them to get all the way through so they only get to peak out and that ends up with a partial physical manifestation of them on me as I am their portal in between realities because of my want.

Silence from the crowd.

KS: Errr… long story short: I want it so bad Jesus appeared on my hand. *shrugs*

Slow clap from the crowd.

KS: I want it.

Crowd erupts into applause.

KS: So, where is this guy? I get dressed up. They played ZZ Top. I talked about my Jesus hand. Should I go?

J (voice over): Just stay right there! I’ll be right down!

BAM!

KS: Oh my God! I want it!

J: Well hello there. I am KSWI Jordan and welcome to my show!

KS: Wow! Did you just jump from the ceiling!

J: I did.

KS: Why are you dressed like a professional wrestler?

J: Because this is how I feel most comfortable. And when I am presented with such a lovely lady as yourself I wanted to be as confident and comfortable as I can be. So professional wrestler it is!

KS: What are these lines?

J: They are my “action” lines.

KS: Why are they here?

J: Two reasons: 1. I just dropped in from the ceiling so that was an “action” thus the lines. 2. I forgot to save the MS-Paint drawing before I drew the action lines.

KS: Ahhh… they’re sea foam green. They’re pretty.

J: Thank you. I think this interview has started off very nicely.

KS: I want it.

J: I know you do and that is why we are both here. I guess I should start the segment.

J: Kristen I have brought you here for four reasons. 1. I wanted to show the world on my delightful show how much you want it. 2. I wanted to meet you because you seem like a lovely young woman and I thought we would get along well. Those have been accomplished. 3. I saw some pictures of you at the Los Angeles premiere of Twilight: New Moon and I was hoping you would narrate them. Will you?

K: Ok. What’s the fourth reason?

J: Kristen “whatever your middle name is” Stewart, will you do me the honor and touch my sternal head?

KS: Oh my God it is glorious! Action lines!

J:  Thank you. Will you?

KS: I feel like I have to. I can’t imagine how awkward it would be if I didn’t.

J: Quite right. I would probably shoot myself if you refused.

KS: I am so warm all of a sudden!

J: It radiates heat. Watch your fingers they might get burned.

KS: I think it’s whispering to me.

J: It does that. What’s it saying?

KS: Something about how overrated the Dallas Cowboys are despite all the talent on their team. And that it thinks Kurt Warner has solidified himself as a Hall of Fame quarterback.

J: Sounds about right.

KS: I want it.

J: Did it whisper that or did you?

KS: I said it. I say it a lot.

J: Ok, let’s get to the pictures. These pictures are of you at the Los Angeles red carpet premiere of Twilight: New Moon. Could you just tell us what is going on in these pictures?

KS: Sure.

J: You are such an amiable person. No wonder Sean Penn and Jodie Foster say such nice things about you all the time. Alright, so the first picture is of you…

KS: I want it.

J: Is that what you are saying in the picture…

KS: Yes and yes. I’m saying it now because not only do I want it, but I want it in that picture.

J: Ah-ha. And I want it while I’m looking at you and at the picture and at you looking at the picture.

KS: Funny because I want it, I want it in the picture and I want it because I want it in the picture.

J: Hunh? I feel like the universe is folding in on itself. Like we ripped a hole in the dimensions of time and space.

KS: Yep. Did you hear me talk about that before?

J: Nope. I was in the rafters and it is noisy up there. Next picture.

KS: That is Taylor and I.

J: Excellent grammar.

KS: Here I want it, but I’m also at a loss.

J: How so?

KS: You see Taylor was built in a lab. He has the body of a Ken Doll. No detail in the “down there” region. So I want it, but well I’m pretty much holding onto a living mannequin so I felt bad for Taylor.

J: Ok. Here is another picture of you and Taylor.

KS: Here I was hugging him to show the crowd that he can replicate emotions properly even though he isn’t human. See, he looks happy.

J: He does look happy. Way to go science! The next picture is of you and Dakota Fanning who is new to the Twilight series.

KS: I know what picture this is. The photographer asked me if I could want it while standing next to the embodiment of childhood innocence which is Dakota Fanning. Well tell me, how did I do?

J: Oh mama! You want it.

KS: You bet your ass I do. And there was a second picture too.

J: Sweet Maria! You have the talent kid!

KS: It’s a gift and a curse. Even Dakota’s pure innocence cannot hold back my want.

J: And why on Earth would we want you to?

KS: Well if I want it too bad then I may explode an energy sonic boom that would kill people.

J: Right. Ok. Next picture. What is going on here?

J: Let me go first. You want it.

KS: Yes. And then the reporter asked me about my family and I having pet wolves so I told him to “blow it out his ass”.

J: Pet wolves? That’s bad ass. Can we talk about your family having pet wolves?

KS: No.

J: Alright. Please?

KS: No.

J: And finally, we have one last picture.

Screams from the audience.

J: KA-BLAM!

KS: I want it.

J: I think those screams signify that someone just died because you wanted it that much in that picture that it killed them.

KS: It happens. Sorry.

J: Don’t be sorry. That’s one hell of a way to go. Plus it wouldn’t be your problem. It is my show so I would get sued. Hopefully that doesn’t happen.

J: Well I’ve had a lot of fun today. I got to dress up as a professional wrestler, I got to meet Kristen Stewart, I got to see the “want” a couple inches from my face and with the help of these militarily scientifically engineered sunglasses your want didn’t burn out my eyeballs or blow up my brain and you touched my sternal head.

KS: I’ve had fun too.

J: That is terrific. So I’ll see you all next time. Anything else you want to say Kristen/

KS: I want it.

J: Yes indeed. Kristen Stewart wants IT.

………… yeah it got a bit crazy today.

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