Bullet points in numerics…

1. Happy New Years

Tomorrow is New Years Eve and tomorrow I hope you have a good one. A great one in fact. An excellent one even. I won’t go any further than excellent because you want some room to be able to still improve upon the New Years. No need for pursuit in perfection because with failure and imperfection comes character and an indelible mark of interest and beauty. Perfection is storyless. Also, it ceases your strive. Also, it is impossible, so don’t look for it.

Anyway, you’ll have a great New Years. Whether you have big plans or not, you can have a fun time. There is this mystery elixir called “booze” and it turns situations from unbearable to strip poker in an hour flat. Remember that. You’re never too old to play “spin the bottle” although if you’re too married it is simply called “infidelity” – nevertheless it will be a memorable New Years.

Also, I will not be posting tomorrow, so even though I’ve said it 100x already – HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS! … because there’s no new post tomorrow. Or at the very least I don’t expect there to be one. Instead, you all can look back at the glory of my writing and musings from 2010. There’s some great posts in there like when I talked about Dakota Fanning’s trivia section on IMDB and talked about who ever takes her virginity might as well spill oil all over the pristine Alaskan tundra. And then there is that other post when Dakota Fanning had her birthday and is now legal and I talked about spilling oil all over the pristine Alaskan tundra.

2. 2011

The New Year has at least one new challenge for me – mork. I have a new yob to start Monday. What does this mean? Primarily, this means there will be no post Monday. I’m fairly certain I will be “experiencing” “orientation” to my new yob and that should be violently boring and I’ll probably not be near a computer.

As for Tuesday? Well, I don’t know. Tuesday will be my first real day at this new job and we’ll see how it goes. This might mean big changes to KSWI. Or it could mean no changes to KSWI. We’ll just have to wait and see. This is sudden and I did not prepare any of you all for this, but I think that is a good thing. With me providing absolutely no closure to KSWI, probably means that it will continue onward because I can’t figure a way to sufficiently end it. Plus I do enjoy writing this site. And, I’ll be damned to think that some job will ever rob me of my time to write. And, really what job has ever taken up all of a person’s time?

So, next week may be pretty weak as far as posting goes, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

I’m sure if I have trouble posting – one can always get your fill of Kay-Swidge-Izzle aka me from my twitter account at http://www.twitter.com/jordan_is_ok .

3. Philadelphia

I believe this will only be my second time spending New Years in Philly. The last time I spent New Years in Philly was several years ago – I think 2005. We went to a bar in Manayunk named 105 Social where for I think $80 it was an open bar plus food and champagne at midnight. I drank some beer, but I really drank 14 vodka and Red Bulls. That was the kicker. The rest of the night was marked by me sending a text message to everyone in my phone “You know love you” and me wrestling Dawgz in the street wearing suits instead of him fighting a bouncer. And that’s not a type – I wrote “You know love you”. I was supposed to write “You know I love you”, which is just as odd, but “You know love you” is funnier.

I’m not sure what the plan is for NYE. Probably just getting drunk with friends as it should be. The main reason I’m going to Philly is more for Saturday night and not Friday.

4. UFC 125

I love the cage fighting! I usually watch the UFC with a few friends and they are in Philly. So, 2011 isn’t starting off any different than 2010, 2009 and before have been. The main event for UFC 125 is the Lightweight Championship title fight of Frankie Edgar (c) vs. Gray Maynard. Frankie is from New Jersey and went to High School with Dawgz and a bunch of other guys I know, so of course I’m rooting for Frankie. Nothing against Gray. He’s a great fighter and we shook hands once on a cold night in Columbus, Ohio (not code for gay sex, but could be).

5. Professional Tackle Football Association of America

The NFL’s final week of the season is this week. It has been a wild season as usual and overall I’ve been thoroughly entertained each and every week per usual. Next year, there is the chance of a hold out and no NFL season. This would be devastating to me. Personally, I don’t think it will happen. I think the season will go on like always or close to always. There may be a little hiccup, but I don’t think there will be one week missed of the NFL season. The players might end up in training camp a little later than usual, but that’s about it. I cannot imagine a world where a multi multi-billion dollar industry stops itself from continuing forward because they feel like squabbling over what will amount to pennies to them. There is a lot of bullshit posturing right now between the owners, but I don’t think it will affect next year’s season.

If it does then I will pray for a short and quick apocalypse because life without football is life not worth living.

6. Pittsburgh Steelers

The Black and Gold will be in the post season and I’m thankful for that. Overall, I think this has been a very successful season for the Steelers. They showed they could get over losing a key player in Santonio Holmes. Although, I wouldn’t mind seeing him in the black and gold instead of the Jets’ green and white. But “60 Minutes” Mike Wallace and Emmanuel Sanders have shown a lot of greatness and toughness this year, which I can only attribute to Hines Ward the stalwart and toughest wide receiver in the league. I feel like the more time you spend around certain men, the more tough and manly you must become. Hines Ward is one of those men.

7. Cowboy Bebop

After I finished re-watching Gundam Wing, I began watching Cowboy Bebop. It has been awhile since I sat down and watched this show from beginning to end. Usually, I’ll just watch a few episodes (“Ballad of Fallen Angels” for example) here and there or watch an anime music video for Cowboy Bebop, but I haven’t gone through episode by episode in a while.

The show is absolutely amazing. I love it to bits. I feel bad for people who are not open minded enough to watch anime because when anime is on – not much is better. Cowboy Bebop is one of those things. There is always the rumor of it being turned into a live-action movie, which I couldn’t care any less about. The rumor is always Keanu Reeves playing Spike. I don’t think Reeves would be great as Spike, but who knows. If we could go back in time then I think Vincent Cassell could have been a good Spike.

8. New Year’s Resolution

I never make these.

I think passively in the back of my mind I know what I want to improve on in my life at all times. Being better. Being better in everything. Improving on life. That’s really what it is. Life is a long haul until it isn’t. There is always more time until there is none. There is always a way to be get better and that’s what I hope I’m striving to be. Being better.

It is at times more active than passive and sometimes more passive than active. I do believe in Hegel’s belief that the world is slowly getting better always, so that means even laying around on the couch can be improvement – not great improvement, but maybe I just needed more rest.

9. 2010

It has been a good year.

I have spent an inordinate amount of it trying to make you laugh. Whoever you are – I have spent it writing for you and trying to entertain you pretty much 5 days a week.

If I accomplished that 1/3 of the time then I would be in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

I’m hoping it is more like 90% of the time, but either way it’s been fun.

10. 2011

Yeah, it’s the same as #2.

I hope you have a great New Years.

I hope you had a great 2010.

I hope next year is even better.

And I’ll check in sometime next week.


Well well well well well well well well well well well well well welp whelm overwhelm

Happy New Year! You cock teases!

That was what I was planning on posting on December 31st and/or January 1st, but I didn’t. Apparently, my last post of the previous decade was “sappy”. Who knew? I was going to rectify that with a big fonted “Cock Teases” the following day or actually after I read the first couple comments saying I had gone soft*. But maybe I have because I didn’t write it. Also, I had more important things to do like play Call of Duty 4 Modern Warfare 2 as if the game, the servers, my Playstation 3 were all going to disintegrate into a snortable dust come the new year. And drinking. That was the other important thing I did.

The big question, what did we all do in our collective New Year celebrations? Fuck MicrosoftWord for making me capitalize “new” and “year”. I know what I did. Seemingly some of you “know” what you did. I saw the comment yesterday from one of the commenters who shall remain nameless unless you read the comment where the name is properly displayed – she blacked out. This may have been a common theme for the rest of you. I did not black out. I did see people who did. So what did I do?

It began with a few drinks.

Some friends came over to the apartment and we started to drink. It was early and we were eventually going to make it into the Great White North that is Manhattan. First, beers and the cheapest bottle of champagne the local liquor store had to offer. We also had to get some grub involved. With none of the family run eateries delivering, we went big business with Dominos. I don’t know if you’ve checked out this place in awhile, but there are two things worth noting: 1. you can order online and 2. the place has gotten remarkably dirt cheap.

In some reversal of history, Dominos is cheaper now than when I was a kid. I know some of the “cougars” who may read this site may think me being a “kid” is relative to nowadays since I’m still in my mid-20’s, but fuck you. Dominos used to cost about $20 in my area all things considered for your order. If you ordered a large pizza with a topping and the tip it all came to around $20. I’m sure you can still pay $20 for a large pizza, but you can order 3 medium pizzas for $15 or a medium pizza, a sandwich, and a bread bowl for $15 or two medium pizzas and a sandwich for $15 or ….

On the website itself, once you have completed your order there is an actively updating progress bar showing the stages of your order. From “prep” to “heating in the oven” to “delivery”. It is pretty thrilling watching each stage get completed. More thrilling when you’ve had at least a 6-er of beer in you and no food. It also gives you the name of your driver who is speedily running the food to you. Carlos, in my case, was an affable fellow and we were very excited to meet him when the doorbell rang.

I have to admit, I do not order Dominos often. This could all be quite common place for everyone else who is reading this. To me it is brand new. Dominos pizza is fairly adequate enough, but I have been guilted into not ordering it. Guilted angrily. When I moved to Jersey City, I looked up the local pizza places on the interwebz that first week. Needless to say there were a ton of places and they all had varying star ratings and customer reviews. I noticed the Dominos had the lowest star rating and the most customer reviews. It attracted my attention and I started reading the reviews. Whether or not any of these people had ever eaten at said Dominos was fairly questionable. What wasn’t questionable was that they hated you if you ordered from there and not from one of the million family run pizza shops all over Jersey City. Yo! What the fuck! You live in Jerzee and you R orderin’ DOMINOES! Are you fucking kidding me! So I usually don’t order from Dominos.

We ate Dominos, we watched Pumping Iron and Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon and we played beer pong. Following the epically bad game of beer pong we played, we proceeded to debate whether we should leave for the city for a half hour while attempting to make beer pong trick shots. We were having a hard enough time making the regular shots let alone thetrick shots. We are out of practice. I don’t think any of them actually went in, but plenty of people got hit in the face with balls… that’s what she said. Then we left for the city.

Once in the city, we went to a friend’s bar. Not too much happened at the bar. We drank there and met up with two more friends. I and a friend played a horrendous game of pool which I won surprisingly. I suck at pool. There is high percentage chance I suck at pool because I play it once every 700 days at best. The only thing really noteworthy that happened at the bar was there was some speak that J-Woww from Jersey Shore was going to be there that night. Why? Because the love of her life she can’t stop cheating on “Tommy” was at the bar. That’s random, right?

I didn’t talk to him, but I kind of wanted to. If you do remember, as you should, J-Woww’s boyfriend Tommy makes an appearance on the show and makes several phone appearances calling out J-Woww for grinding on Pauly at the clubs. Well that “Tommy” was at the bar. I really just wanted to ask him about the “house” music excuse J-Woww gave him about why it was appropriate for her to grind on the guy (Pauly) she had just cheated on Tommy with. But I didn’t.

We exit the bar. We knew of a party way way way uptown on 109th street and were undecided ongoing. We went. It did take us forever to get there. We were all feverishly checking the time because it was closing in on midnight and we were still on the subway. Not that there was a champagne bath and a balloon drop waiting for us at 109th, but who really wants to spend their New Years on the 1 train next to a guy who hasn’t washed since the Carter administration. That dude stunk.

After we got our jackets off and a fresh drink in our hands, I think there was literally one minute to spare before the countdown to 2010. Hugs and well wishes from friends et cetera when it did drop. And then we spent the next 2-3 hours getting pretty fucking drunk at this party. I feel nearly 100% comfortable in talking about this party without feeling like one of the party goers will run across this site. I don’t think I mentioned or anyone else brought up this website and I doubt any of them have any cognitive memory from that night.

So. There were a ton of Asians at the party! Which is perfectly fine, but just funny. The apartment itself was lived in by I think two of the blondes at the party who were both good looking and one of them goes to school with this gaggle of Asian females and they all decided to go to apartment for New Years. I am white and even though I try my best to relate to the minorities of the world and have lived in areas with lots of those minorities and have traveled to their minority ridden countries, I still have a pretty rabid white friend base. But for a minute there, we looked pretty ethnically diverse friendly with all those Asian girls there.

The notable moments of the party –

– When the Asian girls decided to leave, they all followed, in single file, the one cute blonde who lived at the apartment and at the same time “Hollaback Girl” by Gwen Stefani started up. So for a second it felt like I was in the music video. I thought that was very funny and I laughed most heartily. At first she didn’t want to laugh about it because she thought it was being racist or something I guess, but then she did because racism is soooo funny!

– One guy who may have weighed 100 pounds nearly dying twice by falling. He fell once in the hallway and was so messed up he had to be picked up like a baby to get back to his feet. The second time he fell he grabbed onto the refrigerator for support and almost pulled the thing on top of himself. He may or may not have survived that night after we left.

– My friend nearly beating a man to death. A friend of mine was so heated at the thought of being called a cheat at beer pong he was basically demanding the head of some random guy at the party. The guy felt like he was being skipped in beer pong and acted like a dick about it. Instead of obliging him and just letting the idiot get his way, my friend confronted him like an 18th Century Bostonian screaming at the Red Coats to go back to their country. It was funny. I did talk my friend down from killing the kid. I’m not against my friend beating up the guy for being an idiot, but fights rarely do not end up destroying whatever room they are in. There is always collateral damage from a fight.

– Me getting into a verbal argument with some girl who didn’t shave her armpits. It wasn’t about her not shaving her armpits actually, but I am a slave to those details. It was about her claiming she was from “the city” and in fact was from Long Island. Let’s say I’m in Mongolia – “I’m in Mongolia”. And I’m having a conversation with a Mongolian. And she (were you thinking it was a “he”? – SEXIST!) asked me where I was from. I say “America” and she asks me what part. I may say “New York”, just to simplify things. She is a very pleasant and thick hipped Mongolian woman who has not a formal geographical education, but a decent English speaking vocabulary, so she may not know New Jersey, but pretty much everyone knows New York. But if seconds later, it turns out the uniquely green eyed Mongolian seamstress who is sitting at the table next to us in the “Sukhbataar Kushi Tavern” is a world traveler and knows the United States very well asks “I have been to New York many a times for international sewing competitions. Where in New York?” I would then clarify that I am from New Jersey and was giving New York as a rough approximation of where I am from. She would then lower her sewing needles for a moment and say woefully “So you are not from New York? You lied?” I would then profusely apologize for the rouse and would explain why I said New York instead of New Jersey and hope the intellectually stimulating conversation would continue.

Well, none of that happened with this broad. She said she was from New York City. I said where. She said where her current apartment was. I said oh where did you grow up. She said Long Island. I said so you’re from Long Island then. She said no. She said she moved to New York City when she was 16. I said how old could you possibly be, 23. And she said yes. And I said that means you lived in New York City for 7 years, but on Long Island for 16, so just by that you would think you would say Long Island. And it escalated from there. She said she has gone into the City since she was a kid. I said I did as well, but I’m from New Jersey and not from New York and that doesn’t change anything. And Dawgz started getting involved asking for distances of home towns proving that I lived closer to New York City in New Jersey than she did on Long Island so I have just the same right to claim my New York City hood, but I don’t and instead truthfully say I’m from the “Garden State”. Anyway, none of this is really all that entertaining I’m guessing, but it had to be mentioned.

– Another friend pawning menthol cigarettes off of a prostitute.

– Me trying to get cigarettes off a drug dealer for said friend and being turned away quite angrily because I was asking for “legal cigarettes” and not “illegal drugs”. I found it funny. Hey man, do you have a cigarette I can bum? What!?! I’m selling weed, man! Uhhh, ok? I was just wondering if you had a cigarette. If you’re not buying weed or something else then step the fuck off! Oh, right. So that’s a no on the cigarette?

Leaving the party was a treat. I must’ve fought with a dozen cab drivers over prices. They all wanted to charge $90 to take me and my friends back to New Jersey which is fucking absurd. After a half hour and two different cabs (one literally got a flat tire as soon as he we got in and he started to drive away), I thought I got a cab for $60. Turns out they lied. They charged me $90 on my credit card. So much for negotiating. I should call and complain about the terrible service of said cab driver. How we had to nearly beg him to take us back to Jersey with the enticement of weed at the apartment. How we had to pretend to like Eminem’s new CD which is deplorable I know. And when we finally emerged from the Holland Tunnel, I told everyone to get out of the car, showed the guy how to get back into the Holland Tunnel and we would walk the rest of the way. Seriously, a person who likes Eminem’s new CD is not smoking my friend’s weed at my apartment. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down.

We made a pit stop at the 24 hour gas station mini marts for delicious and nutritious potato chips and microwaveable bacon cheeseburgers. We gorged on those at the apartment. And then passed out. That was my New Years. It was *shrugs*.

How was yours?

Unofficially this is part III of you all ruining my Christmas Vacation. Let me wrap up that series of thoughts:

Up in the Air

I really enjoyed the movie. It was great. I am continuing in my part fandom part hatred for the director Jason Reitman. He also directed Thank You For Smoking and Juno. Did I like those movies? Yep. I liked them a lot and have rewatched them both several times. I recommend all three of these movies to people who want to see a solid movie. So why the hate? Because Jason is making those movies and not me. What the fuck, bro!?! Do you know how badly I want to make a delicate scene that is both sad and romantic and have Elliott Smith playing in the background? So badly! So motherfucking badly! Why? Because Elliott Smith’s music is delicate and both sad and romantic. And George Clooney is in the scene too! Come on, dude. It just isn’t fair. I really like Jason’s style and I’m jealous of him. Hopefully, one day in the near future Jason and I will have a battle to the death with medieval swords ala Highlander where one of us can only defeat the other by decapitation and when that is achieved the one that survives is given the other’s powers. There can be only one, Jason! Fingers crossed this is what 2010 has in store for me.

George is great in the movie. Graying on the sides, but still a sex symbol for all ages. And his two female co-stars are great as well. I’m a big fan of Anna Kendrick. I have mentioned how much I like her in Rocket Science on several occasions. She gives a good performance in this as well. And then Vera. Vera who I so wrongly thought was Patricia Arquette for many of the times I watched the trailer. No one ever corrected me when I said it was Patricia Arquette. Probably because no one knew who Vera was and also had no clue who I was talking about because all they could remember was George Cloons. Vera does a great job. Especially, the one tracking shot. I think we all know what I’m talking about … if you’ve seen the movie. There is a tracking shot of Vera from behind as she walks into a hotel bedroom – NEKKID!

Vera is wearing an apron and the rest of her is wearing our heat she must feel from every set of eyes languishing over every inch of her naked body. So I thank you, Vera for that. I thank you, Jason Reitman for that shot. I thank you, God most of all who created man who created film and with that narrative film and with that created a couple in New Jersey who would give birth to Vera and another couple somewhere that gives birth to Jason and led lives to arrive at that moment and the life for Jason was that of bravery and boldness in being able to have the balls to say “I want you fully naked for this shot and an apron” and the life of Vera who kept herself in remarkably great shape especially her ass.

As for the vampires? Vera could’ve been a vampire. The movie wouldn’t have to change much. Instead of her turning out to be what she turns out to be, she could turn out to be a vampire.

Sherlock Holmes

I liked it. It was better than I was expecting. I was not expecting much. I was glad that it was more about the case and so forth than a love story. There was a love story, but not much of one. It is still a lot like Pirates, but less of a love story and a darker over all story.

Vampires? Well Lord Blackwood easily could’ve turned out to be a vampire. I was sitting there in the movie actively trying to guess the outcome of the movie. I had three possible answers:

1. Science. Everything is explained with random ass science.

2. Twin. Lord Blackwood has an identical twin brother.

3. Vampires. Obviously.

New Year’s Eve

I do detest NYE. I hate holidays or time of the year where I’m being pushed to have the craziest night of my year. Also I hate events where people who don’t typically drink decide to get shit face wasted because of the day of the year. Hate might be a strong word. I am thoroughly irritated by it. I need Neosporin rubbed all over my irritations. So what are my plans? Pretty nothing right now. Some friends, maybe NYC, maybe some bar, maybe some random party. Who knows? I feel old that my number one concern is how much it will suck to take the PATH back to Jersey City that night and that it is supposed to be raining/wintry mixing. It’s cold outside! This old man cannot take this cold! It is so cold there is a high probability I am buying a scarf today. A scarf! I don’t own and never have owned a scarf, but it could happen today.

I think about the saying that you spend New Year’s Eve like you spent the previous New Year’s Eve. It doesn’t make any sense because that means you never make any improvements in life. I think the saying is implying if you are single then you stay single so you need to get your ass in gear and during the other 364 you need to find someone to spend this shit holiday with. I think about that saying a lot for whatever reason probably because I am single and have been for awhile.

But outside of being single, my New Year’s Eve rituals have been different – I’ve done the all you can drink open bars, I have done the small party of close friends, I’ve given up on New Year’s Eve and watched the Japanese New Year’s Eve fights that are on pay per view and last year I went to see My Morning Jacket at Madison Square Garden for New Year’s. Apparently, I got shit bomb wasted. Apparently, I figured out how to get around only ordering two drinks at once. Apparently, if you go in the beer line and buy two beers and put them in the interior pockets of your jacket and then get into the mixed drink line for Jack and cokes – no one notices. Apparently, I got so drunk I punched a metal bar and broke part of my hand. Apparently, I ran off the PATH train in a dead sprint through Hoboken screaming “they’re touching me”. Apparently.

Kristen Stewart Wants IT

She does.

I am glad that I made this site. I have had fun writing this and have had the fortune of someone reading it. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed writing some of these posts like the Charles de Gaulle one, the Hannibal one, second by second Jumper cameo one, KSWI Jordan interviews Kristen Stewart one, and most recently the Kristen Stewart edition posts. I have had a lot of fun talking about really whatever I feel like and finding approval in it from you the readers. Oh you the readers. I do love “you the readers”. If it wasn’t for you the readers this site would not exist because a man needs constant approval. 2009 will be a memorable year for me for a lot of reasons, but nothing will compare to the second half of this year. The first half had some really high moments and some really low moments, but this second half with KSWI beats it by a long shot.

Your comments which I read everyone and wish there were even more. Your emails which I also read and respond to and wish there were more of. The newly minted Facebook group which I check way too often to see if anyone else has joined, thank you to those who have and of course I wish for even more. I’ve really had a fun time getting to know you all in whichever way I have.

Originally, I was expecting this site to devolve into a Twitter account or something similar. I was expecting that you the readers would want pictures more than words. I was expecting I could just keep taking Kristen Stewart pictures and write simply “She wants it” and send that to people via Twitter or post them on the site. It’s been a lot more work this way where I’m forced to write and write, but it’s been fun. So thank you, you the readers for reading this each and every day.

Today is my last post for 2009! Which means! You’ll have to wait until 2010! aka Monday! for a new post…

I hope everyone has had a great holiday season. I hope everyone has a great New Year’s Eve. I hope everyone has a great New Year’s day. I hope everyone has a great New Year. And with that…

This chick, Kristen Stewart, wants IT.

Kristen Stewart’s got a secret. She wants it.

Kristen Stewart still wants it even when hassled by a crazy woman to take a picture giving peace signs probably for her kids.

And… good bye 2009…


She wants it. She really does.

And she knows it. We all know it.

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