There was one question this week and here it is…

Question for Friday: why foes Brett Favre look like he’s crying always?


Well, Brett has deep-set eyes that slope downward on the sides. Brett Favre was also freezing Monday night in a ton of pain playing arguably the most violent sport on the planet during a year that has brought him more criticism than praise on a team that is losing every which way they can in what could be his last season playing the game he loves more than anything else in life.

Maybe Brett Favre was tearing up thinking about how his co-star from There’s Something About Mary Cameron Diaz has completely shit the bed in her acting career.

Maybe Brett Favre was watching Up in the locker room on his iPhone and shit just got real emotional.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about the economy and how severely it has hit the mid-west and it is closing on Christmas time and how many children and their families will need to rely on the kindness of others through charitable donations to have that American Christmas experience.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about the Summers of his youth in Mississippi and the heat of the Sun on his bare neck turning it a darker shade of rose as he throws a football in the backyard with his father, Big Irv.

Maybe Brett Favre was stung by an African bee that are always rumored to take over the US through Mexico at some point and it is just Brett’s luck that one mythical black and yellow plunged its stinger in his forearm.

Maybe Brett Favre was running through his head his own highlight reel of throwing 507 touchdowns in the National Football League and thinking that each and every one of those passes and 6 points were more exhilarating than sex.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about all the sex he has had over the years with his beautiful wife, Deanna Favre.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about when he lost his virginity in a pair of Wranglers in the front seat of a pick-up truck hidden in the corn fields owned by Old Man Guthrie and how nervous he was when Becky Sue loosened his jeans and Brett was more jittery for this than any football game he had ever played in, which made him instinctively hear his father Big Irv’s booming voice in his head coaching him through this sexual journey, but all that came* to a grinding halt when Becky Sue’s creamy smooth and surprisingly experienced hand grabbed hold of Brett’s little Packer and he burst outward and upward all over the inside of the windshield.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about how ten minutes after Becky Sue’s fastest handjob in the world he collected himself and gave that cornfed southern gal a 60 minute performance much like one of his Monday Night Football games.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about how people keep saying he has a nothing special penis even though his hands are ginormous meaning his penis could be big and who cares because no one is saying whether or not Peyton Manning has a small penis.

Maybe Brett Favre was listening to Seal minutes earlier because one of his black gentlemanly teammates had Seal playing on their stereo in the locker room and it can get emotional listening to Seal.

Maybe Brett Favre just sees the beauty in all things and it is so wonderful it makes his heart hurt.

Maybe Brett Favre was asked another question about Jenn Sterger and he started thinking about how amazing it would have been to have had sex with her or to have at least gotten the video of her masturbating that he seemingly asked for.

Maybe Brett Favre could smell the beer in the stadium and thought back about how fun it was to be drunk and young.

Maybe Brett Favre was tearing up because he’s old and old men tend to do that out of nowhere and it is awkward.

Maybe Brett Favre was talking to Devin Hester on the Chicago Bears and they were laughing so hard they were crying about that post on KSWI about when Devin Hester was pantsed last season playing the Eagles and his black ass was all over America’s living rooms.

Maybe Brett Favre and Devin Hester were both sad that the commenters on KSWI are so mean to its delightful writer and wished they had the time and courage to comment and give that writer encouragement, but they are afraid of the wrath of these commenters because they have declared that comments section theirs and you do not mess with a woman or a pack of them when they have their claws in something.

Maybe Brett Favre was so cold his testicles had retreated inside his body and he was worried they would never come out.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about the 71,000+ yards he has thrown for in the NFL and how he would Christmas wish more than anything to be able to do that again.

Maybe Brett Favre knows that his time in the NFL is over and that the cynicism of the present is making him feel emo because people should give him one of the greatest sendoffs in the history of sports, but he’ll need to wait until people sober up and realize it instead of focusing on a couple stupid things he did at the end of his career and not the scope of his career, which has been one of the most spectacular joyful things to watch ever.

Maybe Brett Favre stubbed his toe. It happens.

Maybe Brett Favre saw the portly Matt Millen smiling and his girth plus his jolliness made Brett think of Santa Claus and either how much he misses having that innocence to believe in Santa Claus or how perfect Matt Millen would be as Santa Claus and how many people he could bring a holiday cheer to dressed as Santa.

Maybe Brett Favre has seasonal depression like many in America and he is too conservative to go to a psychiatrist and get a prescription for a happy pill for this dark, cold and gloomy months.

Maybe Brett Favre has the ability to read minds and people were saying a lot of awful weird shit to themselves in their brains about him and he doesn’t tell anyone about this power in fear that people will try to exploit it for their own personal gains.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about puppies – that sometimes leads to tears.

Maybe Brett Favre did not look like he was crying and the network’s graphics guy did some CGI to make it look like Brett Favre was crying because he is an asshole.

Maybe Brett Favre just loves football, Christmas, holidays, people, being out on the field, the cutting pain of breathing frozen air, the butterflies in his stomach making him feel young again, the numbness in his aching muscles from the arctic temperature, the adrenaline in his fingertips, the feeling of a new leather football in his hands, the motion of throwing that ball after over a week of not throwing one, seeing 50,000 young Minnesotans screaming their heads off sitting in snow, being on TV, having 10 guys look to him for leadership in the huddle, fresh peanut butter cookies which he planned on eating as a treat after the game, the high he gets from a pain killer shot before the game, the smell of lavender wafting off his injured running back Adrian Peterson, winning and touchdowns – and maybe all that together made him tear up for a moment.

Or maybe he wasn’t crying and like I said he is old and it was cold and his eyes are deep-set and he just looked sad because it was fucking freezing in the outdoor University of Minnesota stadium.

Either way, he smiles like an idiot when he scores a touchdown and that’s how he should be remembered.

I hope he comes back next year.

I hope he has a great Christmas.

I hope you all have a great Christmas.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

Happy New Year! Or something.

One guy I follow on Twitter named The Sulk said a lot of funny things yesterday, but one of them in particular I shall pass on to you:

“Today = Thanksgiving. Tomorrow = Thanksshitting.”

And before I get myself involved in that holiday as I drink my first of many colon cleansing coffee cups of … coffee, I will answer the Friday questions.

Friday question: with all this talk of an NFL lockout, to what insane lengths would you go to ensure next season continued uninterrupted? Would you perform sexual favors for another male? I don’t know why the NFL would say “Football can continue so long as KSWI Jordan gives that dude over there a beej,” but let’s pretend that they would for a moment just for my entertainment’s sake. Thanks

Well, who is this dude “over there”? Does everyone know that I’m saving football by blowing this “dude”? And is everyone treating me like the hero I’ve always wanted and felt that I am already am? Because if the stars do align…

What am I prepared to do? For the most part I’m doing as much as I’m prepared to do, which is practicing “The Secret”.

Ahhh, yes The Secret. You all may remember The Secret from Oprah. And by “Oprah” I do mean the mythical wondrous trillionaire Chicagoan. The Secret is remaining positive and focusing on out comes that you want to happen in life and through this optimism and positivity they will manifest. Also, there is the act of making “dream boards” where you cut out pictures of things you want and can focus your positivity on to make happen.

The Secret never mentions how many dream boards you can have. Or how many you should limit yourself to. So safe to say, I have rented out an office space not far from where I am living. The walls are covered in dream boards and I sit in there and pray and listen to Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” and once a day a dog breeder releases all its puppies in the office and we run and giggle and smell markers because that is the most positive thing experience ever.

I’m pretty sure this will all get figured out with the players and the owners in the NFL before I have to blow a guy. Thanks for thinking of me…

Why are most, if not all, major American holidays an excuse to eat yourself into a food coma, or alternatively drink until you can’t feel feelings any more?
(I’m not judging, most of our holidays are like that too. We have a horse race that everyone skips work for – top that!!)

The US of A has horse races, but they are on Saturdays.

I’m not sure what else there really is to do with people. Eat, drink and be merry. So why not eat A LOT, drink A LOT, and maybe you’ll be merry after that. It’s just simplest that way. Maybe if people are stuffing their faces with food and alcohol then you won’t have to converse with people you really have no business conversing with.

Since America is kind of the greatest everyday always then everyday is like a holiday in this damn country, right?

Will you ever consider rejoining the world of the working stiff, Jordalachian? Or is freelancing treating you too well to even contemplate having to wear a cool suit and get up before 10am ever again?

I will/have considered. Freelancing doesn’t pay me enough to live on forever. But we’ll see. I may be rejoining said office world sooner than later. I do still have all those suits. They sit unworn in my closet.

What do you want for Xmas?

KSWI orgy? I do have a dream board for that as well.

Have you seen the Cowboys & Aliens movie trailer?

I have. Several times. My opinion on this trailer is ever changing. I know of the comic book, but never read it. I like a lot of the people involved in the movie like director Jon Favreau and Daniel Craig and Mr. Ford and Olivia Wilde’s body. I like the idea of the movie and the comic book very much, but the trailer is a little disconcerting to me. I would expect it to be more humorous, but it looks really serious. And some of that seriousness could be ok if it were not for the one part where Harrison Ford rides out of the darkness and says that he wants Daniel Craig and at that point I start laughing and say “wow, that was bad” every time.

I’m definitely seeing the movie. There is no way I’m not seeing it. I’m just wondering if the movie is this serious and if it is maybe they shouldn’t have hired Harrison Ford. The first time I watched the trailer I was into it. The more I watch it, the more it worries me. But I’ll definitely be there opening day waiting to see it.

I love the idea of “cowboys” and “aliens”, so hopefully it works. I have not seen a Jon Favreau movie that wasn’t at the very least entertaining as hell.

And on the topic of great combinations…

Friday question, for the Friday post we’re most certainly not going to have: “Why are you so popular with Indian men of the lonely persuasion, Kay Swidge?”

My question back – there are 1.5 billion Indian people, so why are there not more Indian men commenting on this website trying to find love… sex… a fuck buddy?

I’m pretty sure that these “Indian men” are really a “clever” spammer. Nevertheless, I laugh a lot reading the messages. I was thinking about one day going through comments like theirs and making a post out of it. We’ll see if I do that.

Have a great weekend.

I DID ALL 32 TEAMS BABY! WOOOOOOOOHHH!!!!!!

THE SECOND HALF OF THE NFL SEASON!

Yes, ladies and ladies and maybe a couple gentlemen who are disguising themselves as ladies – the first half of the American Professional Tackle Football League (APTFL aka NFL) is ovah! Each and everyone of the illustrious 32 teams have at least 8 games under their metaphorical belt. The question remains two fold:

1. What has your team accomplished in these past 8 games?

2. What will your team accomplish in the these next 8 games?

As much as people want to make it seem that it is always eyes forward and onward to the future, your history does drag you down. If your team has been losing games in the 4th quarter and being outscored by opponents “a lot” to “a little” (I’m looking at you Miami Dolphins) then that is an issue that will continue to plague your minds until you correct it. The NFL has a lot to do with momentum. Winning a few games in a row, getting your running game together a few games in a row, defense playing well several games in a row – generally speaking, once it becomes the mentality of a team to do well against adversity then they can continue doing well.

And that also goes against a team. Once a team starts momentum in the opposite direction then it is hard to right the ship. If your team is giving up games then it is hard to motivate the team to start winning. If a team adopts the mentality of being a loser then it is sooner than later this 2010 season will be another forgotten season in your franchise’s history.

I’m sure you’ve all heard those pep talk percentages like a game is 90% mental and 10% physical. Some may shrug that off as crazy talk, but it truly is correct. These football players are all world class professional athletes. The degree of difference between one athlete to the next is not huge. Some are better than others sure, but they’re all capable of doing what each and every other player can do.

The difference between size and strength from one offensive lineman to another is negligible. They’re all about 6’5″ and 300 pounds. They all can bench press a Ford F-150. They’re all big and mean and eat half a side of cow for dinner. What really separates a Hall of Fame lineman from just some schmuck the team needs to deal with until they replace him next year with a draft pick? It is the mental. The mental edge one has over another. One has drilled into himself flawless technique. One has practiced endless his footwork. One has watched countless hours of film knowing exactly what blitzers he needs to pick up on each and every play. And one has that mental toughness to give it 110% and get into a car wreck with the football player standing across from him and bear the pain to do it for 60 minutes of football.

Same goes for all positions. Look at the evil Michael Vick. I mean before the Devil’s skeletal fire encased hand enters into our dimension through some magical portal and pulls Vick into the eternal clutches of Hell – let’s briefly talk about the difference between what he has done this year than other years. Is Vick faster, stronger, or more agile now than he was when he was younger and healthier? Obviously, no. But his decision making and his feel for the game has greatly improved. He has always been physically well prepared for football, but his dangerousness this year increased 10 fold because mentally he seems to have figured out how to use his physical tools as a quarterback. And I hope he rots in Hell.

Anyway – Here are the semi-relate-able/pop-culture fueled mindsets of the 32 NFL Teams from the first half of the season and now leading into the next half of the season. I’ll use these rankings from ESPN.com. Don’t worry, I’ll try to make this humerous.

Baltimore Ravens (6-2)

The Baltimore Ravens are the Zooey Deschanel of the NFL. She can act, she can sing, she can be funny, she can be cute, she can be sexy, she can be the girl next door, or the vixen of your dreams. She is on everyone’s radar and people can effortlessly say they are fans because she has credibility in all areas. From hipsters to jocks – everyone can root for her/them.

Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2)

Clearly, the Pittsburgh Steelers are the uncompromising WANT of Kristen Stewart. When used correctly, the Steelers have unimaginable power in all areas of the game. Their defense as well as Kristen Stewart’s want can be absolutely terrifying. Their offense has a power punching running attack, passing attack and will to win. But it doesn’t always happen that way. Sometimes Kristen Stewart’s beautiful want is put into terrible movies and as bright and wonderful as the want is – the movie still ends horribly. For the Steelers, that was their game against the Saints when they had all the opportunity to beat the Saints, but fumbled on what would’ve been a game winning drive. They have the power to win it all, but we’ll have to wait and see (I’m looking at you On The Road and Welcome to the Rileys).

Atlanta Falcons (6-2)

Justin Timberlake. They have all the flash and talent to make it in the entertainment world, but you’re still not sold on whether it will happen. Where does Timberlake fit in as an actor? The Falcons for the past couple years have been that dangerous young team in Georgia with a great QB, RB, WR and other abbreviations. They’re fun to watch and usually look good doing it, but can they really breakthrough from being young and talented to a serious contender. We’ll have to see. Consistency is what they need because they have little history.

New York Giants (6-2)

Their fans certainly don’t vote this way, but they are the Republican party. After last “season”, it really seemed like they were dead and gone away. They used to run this “league”, but have lost a lot of power in the past couple years. Going into this “season” there wasn’t a lot of fan fare for them, but have proved the critics wrong. Ahmed Bradshaw is like the Tea Party – fast, angry, came out of nowhere and is kind of running shit. Hakeem Nicks could be Governor Chris Christie. And the Giants obliterating defense could be the recent mid-term elections as they have knocked out the star players for the other team(s) and have everyone shaking in their boots about who will be next.

New York Jets (6-2)

Ke$ha. She certainly is one of the top darlings of pop music right now. She is a winner with big singles like “Tik Tok”, “Your Love Is My Drug”, “Blah Blah Blah”, didn’t she have that other song about going to some street where the freaks are or something, and she has that new song about being who you are or something. She knows how to win and she is getting it done, but she isn’t the prettiest pop princess. The Jets have some ugly wins and Kesha has been photographed in public.

New England Patriots (6-2)

Bravo TV. You hate to admit, but it is goooood. On paper, no one should be watching Bravo Television. It is a network solely devoted to garbage reality shows about rich pompous unlovable bitches and then there is Top Chef, which is Tom Brady I suppose. All the decisions to get rid of players like Richard Seymour/Randy Moss and giving spin-off shows to these stupid ass housewives sounds like a bad idea, but it isn’t. The Patriots have multiple sub six foot white guys handling the ball and somehow it is working out. Sure there are some occasional missteps (letting Project Runway go), but they seem to bounce back and develop new ways of winning (Fashion Show).

Green Bay Packers (6-3)

Everyone loves unicorns and is always hopeful they are for real, but it just seems like they’re a never ending myth. The Packers are the team going to the Super Bowl at the beginning of every season and at points they truly do look like that team, but then you get a closer look at them and they’re really a single horned goat, an oryx with its horns tied together or a narwhal in a horse costume. Great quarterback, great receivers, great defense, but we’ll see how real they are in the post-season.

Philadelphia Eagles (5-3)


You want to hate him, but you can’t. Or at least I want to hate Jimmy Fallon, but I can’t. I want to dislike his late night show because I didn’t think he deserved to take over Conan’s old spot, but he is really winning me over. He has good guests, he puts together some great bits every week like the mannequin arm soap opera skit he did with Zach Galifianakis. The Eagles have some high profile talent, but mostly they are winning on sheer scrappiness, opponents underrating, and good strategy. Fallon’s show may not be in the same sentence as Letterman, Leno, Conan or The Daily Show, but it should be. It’s more out of a spite. Whether it is never being that funny on Saturday Night Live and then all of a sudden having your own show that I begrudgingly enjoy or it is being a dog murderer and at the same time being one of the best quarterbacks in the league – you just have to give credit where it is due.

New Orleans Saints (6-3)


Megan Fox and the Saints are soooo 2009. The sexiest woman and team from last season are the Who Dats from New Orleans and that brunette who was in the big robot movie. Nothing has truly changed about Megan or the Saints from last year, they’re just not as alluring as they once were. You can’t put your finger on it, but you just don’t have the same feelings you did this time last year for these two. Maybe it is because of all the running back injuries for the Saints and maybe it is because Megan Fox has spent another year banging Brian Austin Green – there just isn’t that same spark about them. But you would be out of your mind to think Megan is any less attractive and that the Saints don’t have another playoff run in them after going 6-3.

Indianapolis Colts (5-3)

When healthy the team is full of high powered offense shredding arguments and football fields, but nowadays they are battered and bruised and losing top names left and right. The Colts are a formidable opponent because of unparalleled leadership with Peyton Manning and the Democrats have the Golden Child and our Earth’s President Barack Obama. But one man cannot get it done by himself. Either their old stars need to get healthy or they need new stars to take on key roles to help lead them to victory. They have a pretty great lock on indoor stadiums/blue states, but once they head outdoors into those swing and red states things get tricky.

Tennessee Titans (5-3)


An old married couple. They are bitter, tough and can survive wars. Through injuries or a windfall of good luck – they just battle onwards to live another day. No matter how shaky they seem to be, you don’t want to fuck with an old married couple because they’ve spent way too many years of their lives not to have each others’ back in a knife fight. The Titans are a tough physical team that isn’t pretty, but has the ability to beat each and every team in the league. Their head coach Jeff Fisher has been with Tennessee for 16 years and been coaching in the NFL for 25, so the man is a rock out there. Great running game with Lil’ Wayne look-a-like Chris Johnson, a mean defense and they just signed Randy Moss as a wide receiver. Imagine an old married couple adding something new to their sex life – it could either reignite that spark or it could close them off and be more bitter for the rest of their lives.

Oakland Raiders (5-4)

The Raiders are Mickey Rourke. They’ve been around forever. They used to be one of the best and that had a nice long layoff into obscurity, but recently they have come back with a vengeance. The thing is – no one trusts it. Is Mickey Rourke really back to being a legitimate dramatic actor? Are the Raiders are serious contender in the league? Or are both of them the ticking time bomb we imagine and they’ll blow up and sabotage themselves? Who knows? The Raiders have a solid defense, their running back Darren McFadden is playing like a beast out there, but he is injury prone, and their quarterback situation is week-to-week. And isn’t Mickey Rourke like one long night in Las Vegas away from never acting again? Come on, who really thinks it will last?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-3)


The George Mason University basketball team. Yeah, that is a very specific reference. The Patriots, ya heard! George Mason and the Bucs of Tampa Bay are not in it every year. They have some history of winning, but it is spread around. They have a great year then disappear for a few years then have a very good year then disappear for a few years and so on and so forth. But those years where they are good, it captures the attention of their sport. Everyone is like “are they for real?” because they could be, but the could also fizzle away against a team with some real lineage. The Bucs are young everywhere. Young coach Raheem Morris, young quarterback Josh Freeman, and my favorite their young running back LaGarrette Blount (son!). They believe in each other and they can win games that maybe they shouldn’t, but can they keep up their momentum and win with a team full of no names against the perennials?

Kansas City Chiefs (5-3)


Newlyweds. Everything they do is exciting and new. The Chiefs were an old organization until they overhauled themselves with new coach, new offensive and defensive coordinators, and almost an entirely new/young team. Young couples thrive on energy and so do the Chiefs. Everything is fatalistic as well. Once things go well things are going well, but once these go bad then shit might be over. Lastly, the Chiefs and a young married couple look great out there, but no one expects them to last. Divorce is too prevalent and doing well in the beginning of the season is a lot different than doing well in the cold of winter at the end of the season with a whole bunch of young bucks. But you wish them luck.

Houston Texans (4-4)


The Houston Texans are like sending drunk texts. Oh man, isn’t drunk texting the best? It feels so right. No matter how times you do it and it doesn’t work out, every time you are back in the situation where you are drunk and you have access to your cellphone – it just couldn’t feel any more right to do it AGAIN! Every year is the year for the Texans to finally break through into being a real contender, but they just don’t. No matter how smooth you are with your texting it just comes out all wrong through your drunk fingertips. The Texans have a high passing offense with Matt Schaub as QB and Andre Johnson as one of the best/dominant wide receivers of recent years. Then all of a sudden, Arian “Master Race” Foster explodes onto the scene this year as a great running back. Add in Mario Williams and and AND Bernard Pollard on defense! Why doesn’t it work!?! I mean I sent a text telling her how “beautiful” she is. Of course, I sent it at 3:30am and spelled it “bootifull” and she’s engaged, but pfffttt… whiskey. It’s just fun to believe.

San Diego Chargers (4-5)

Strip club. Sing it with me… going to the strip club. Strip club. Going to… the strip… clubbbbb. To be more specific, the San Diego Chargers are a strip club and their quarterback Phillip Rivers is the naked women. If one was to really break down what a strip club is then you don’t like it. A dirty bar, shady customers, more expensive than a regular bar, have to a pay a cover usually, it’s wildly uncomfortable, you feel like a fucking creep, you spend way too much money, and all-in-all it is just disgusting. But… it’s a strip club! No matter how shitty the strip club is there are naked women inside. And that rules. That always rules in comparison to a place that doesn’t have naked women inside. Phillip Rivers is that amazing of a quarterback that regardless of how garbage of a team he is surrounded with he can make it happen. He can score touchdowns in a hurry and always keep his team in the game regardless of how bad his defense or special teams is playing. It is always alluring to go to a strip club because of the naked ladies. Plus with San Diego, they have Antonio Gates as their tight end, which is like saying that at this particular strip club there’s a chance Kate Beckinsale is going to show up and give you as many lap dances as you want. You might catch an STD, spend $1000, or get shot in the parking lot, but it’s a STRIP CLUB!

Miami Dolphins (4-4)

The Ballphins are like a girl in her 20’s getting a boob job. She has great new confidence and looks amazing in all her old clothes, but she just is not used to having this bigger chest. She’s running into walls, knocking things over with them, and generally aloof about how she needs to use these beautiful new bazongas. Sometimes these new boobs simply get her into trouble. These metaphorical beautiful fake boobs are dynamic wide receiver Brandon Marshall, the crushing man-giant Karlos Dansby, learning their QB Henne can throw the ball more than 20 yards, a great set of linebackers and still a solid pai of running backs in Brown and “Sir Smokes A Lot” Williams. They need “An idiots guide to living life with at least a D-cup” for some guidance. Maybe Chad Pennington replacing Chad Henne as starting quarterback this week will be just that.

Washington Redskins (4-4)

If the Dolphins are a girl in her 20’s getting a boob job, the Redskins are a woman in her late 40’s or 50’s getting one. Do women over 60 get boob jobs? If so then maybe that could be the Redskins as well. The Redskins have purchased a whole lot of new old “talent”, but it is just not meshing with what was already there. She’s getting into arguments with her friends like “you look ridiculous” and people are talking behind her back, which is only making her paranoid that more people are talking behind her back. She needs to not worry about the critics and just keep pointing her rock hard boobs forward into a brighter future soon or there may be a mutiny. Also, no decision is a good decision when it involves Rex “The Grossest” Grossman.

Chicago Bears (5-3)

Maybe you’re an alcoholic. Maybe? Obviously, you have a problem, but how bad is it really? So you’ve thrown up a handful of times this month, at least twice a week you fall asleep on your couch in your clothes, and you haven’t gone grocery shopping in two months, but you and the liquor store guy have a “usual” order, a secret handshake and call each other nicknames based on childhood stories you’ve revealed to each other. BUT you still show up to work and do a good job, you still have fun with your friends, and you’re getting laid as often as ever. The Bears are 5 and 3. That’s good, right? Matt Forte is a good running back, right? They signed Jay Cutler last year and hired Mike Martz to be the O coach this year, which was a step in the right direction – right? Big off season signing of Julius Peppers has really brought their defense alive again, right? Devin Hester is a wonderful asset as a punt returner and wide receiver and he can lead them to victory, right? But deep down, you know you are just another week of hard drinking away from getting the shakes in the afternoon. The Bears are the most unsteady good team ever. It’s like I just want to go to a bar and not worry that I have to go to a bar. You get me?

Jacksonville Jaguars (4-4)


Fast food. If you’re hungry and you don’t feel like looking for a real meal then you grab some fast food. It is quick, easy, cheap, and you’re full afterward. It gets the job done and even tastes good at times, but it is just a matter of time before you have diarrhea for the rest of the week. The Jags are a surprising 4-4 and even have a few dominant victories, but they’re not a real contender. They don’t have the substance of a playoff team. They’re a place holder and they can get the job done in a pinch, but you’re not taking a date there. If you want to get laid you don’t take a girl to KFC. And if you do know a girl who would be cool with that then my email address is… This is not to say that there isn’t some “talent” on the Jags or at a fast food place. Maurice Jones-Drew is a great running back and David Garrard is a good quarterback and I do love double cheeseburgers and chicken Mcnuggets. I could go for some In-N-Out burger right now.

St. Louis Rams (4-4)

The St. Louis Rams are how I would have handled things if I was Levi Johnston aka accidentally knocking up the girl you’ve been having fun hooking up with and she says she’s keeping it and then you talk yourself into this working out for the best by becoming Mr. Bristol Palin. This was unexpected. Hooking up was awesome. Sexing was awesome. We’ll consider the sexing without regrets/condoms the Kurt Warner/Marshall Faulk years of the Rams. Then when the “pulling-n-praying” technique failed that was the lean years when the Rams have sucked ever since. But this year, is that moment when you realize this could actually be good. She and I seem to get along – that’s probably why we were hooking up. She’s real cute, her mom’s good looking, so there are some good genes in the family and she’ll age gracefully. It’s a lot earlier than I wanted, but now I get to see if I can raise a kid. Basically, the Rams went through a rough patch and now are full of a lot of young talent that could lead this team to many years of success. Maybe this kid of ours will be as handsome and talented as rookie starting quarterback Sam Bradford. Maybe he will be an “animal” like amazing middle linebacker James Laurianaitis who is actually the son of professional wrestler Animal from Legion of Doom/The Road Warriors. 

Minnesota Vikings (3-5)

Who could have fucking guessed these two were this fucked up? Demi Lovato was a cute kid and now a cute legal teenager who was steadily acting, had quite a nice music career going with two well selling albums, and she’s dating a Jonas brother. All great things. The Vikings had the “Silver Fox” Brett Favre coming off arguably his best season, a great wide receiving core of Sidney Rice and the always dangerous Percy Harvin, a top running game headed by “All Day” Adrian Peterson and a well oiled defense with the fab four frontline of Edwards, the Williams “brothers” and Jared Allen. But then we find out that she’s a cutter and addicted to cocaine and Brett is sending dick picks and their coach Brad Childress is an asshole and everyone is injured and she’s a slut and JUST STOP! What the fuck happened? You almost went to the Super Bowl last year! You were on Barney and you’re a vegan! Right now, they both need to regroup from their self-destructive behavior and then move forward. 

Cleveland Browns (3-5)


STAR WARS! Like wars in the stars. The Cleveland Browns are like the magnificent Star Wars franchise. The Browns have 3 victories amongst a myriad of defeats. These 3 victories are much like the original Star Wars trilogy. All 3 are beautiful, unexpected and masterfully crafted – even more similarities are drawn when considering the later two victories are even more impressive than the first. The second victory was over the New Orleans Saints at New Orleans in the the Thunderdome. It was like Empire Strikes Back in that it was a victory built on a well engineered and executed storyline… by defensive coordinator Rob Ryan. The third victory was all action like Return of the Jedi with a truly dazzling performance by running back Peyton Hillis rushing for over 180 yards. But with how great those victories are, there are so many defeats that have happened already and will only continue to happen. George Lucas is planning ANOTHER trilogy. And the Browns still have to play the Steelers again. There is always the chance they can do something right with Star Wars and there is the chance the Browns can pull some more victories together.

I love thinking of Star Wars metaphors so here is another… The defensive schemes of the Browns are like lightsabers – they’re badass no matter who is wielding them. I dare someone who doesn’t work for the Cleveland Browns to name 4 starting players on their defense. Hell, name 3. I bet you can’t.

Seattle Seahawks (4-4)

PUBERTY. The Seattle Seahawks are going through some growing pains this year. They have a brand spanking new head coach Pete Carroll, who is making his return to the NFL after spending many years having the TIME OF HIS FUCKING LIFE coaching at University of Southern California winning football games with the greatest team money can buy and banging college chicks like he was Joe Paterno. Puberty is a week-to-week experiment in life that lasts for several years. Some changes are good and some changes are pretty ugly. You’re getting taller and have a better set of wide receivers, but you also have hair on your shoulders and you can play for shit on the road. You now have become a man and can have sexual relations, which is similar to turning Mike Williams into a viable wide receiver and Leon Washington as your return man, but you got the shit kicked out of you by the Giants on your home turf and your face will be covered in acne for the better part of high school. There are plus and minuses everywhere. Right now, you need to take heed of those positives and cultivate them for when you can really use them to their full potential in a couple years. Also, you need a new fucking quarterback – Hasslebeck is broken and Chaz Whitehurst ain’t gettin’ it done.

Arizona Cardinals (3-5)

It really wasn’t that long ago that people didn’t hate Jay Leno. Nowadays, people HATE Jay Leno. It is actually the cool thing to do. If you are in show business, it really isn’t that bad of an idea to beat up on Jay Leno. It really wasn’t that long ago that the Arizona Cardinals were in the Super Bowl and barely losing by a last second touchdown by the miraculous Pittsburgh Steelers. They were even in the playoffs last year. But now, I can’t stand to look at them or Jay. The Cards lost Kurt Warner, Boldin, Dansby and several others this off season, but they still have Larry Fitzgerald and competent coach Ken Whisenhunt. Jay still has his corny jokes, high pitch voice and his show is arguably the exact same – but I hate ’em! Jay still has some fans and the Cardinals can eek out a few victories, but there’s no future in it.

Cincinnati Bengals (2-6)


There were just so many high expectations for this. A great cast like Steve Buscemi and Terrell Owens, Michael Pitt and Chad Ochocinco. A lot of hype from being in the playoffs last year and winning the AFC North and having Martin Scorcese and Terrence Winter as creators. But they are just not getting the job done on Sundays. They are underwhelming and no one is talking about them. They’re not bad, but they’re just not doing enough to win even with the few great acting performances mixed in. Well, actually, Paz de la Huerta’s full frontal nudity is Terrell Owens – they’re about the only thing worthy of tuning in for.

Detroit Lions (2-6)


SQUEEEE!!!! Twilight! The Detroit Lions are young and hungry and full of good looking talent everywhere, but they just don’t win. The key to sports is winning. Pretty or ugly – winning does mean everything. They don’t give Super Bowl rings to the team that loses it. The Twilight movies suck. And each time a new one is being made there are more and more positives that pop up, but the movie still sucks. Oh they have a good director this time. Oh Dakota Fanning is in it. Oh there are more action scenes. Oh they have decided to base the script not on the books with the similar name hoping this will actually produce a screenplay with half way decent dialogue. But there are no winners. The Lions have added great young players to pretty much every position and they all look great out there – Suh, Best, Johnson, Stafford – but they’re still only 2-6. And for absolutely no reason, I’m hoping they’ll be good. What do I care if they make a good Twilight movie? Well, I don’t know. What do I care if the Lions actually become a good franchise? Well, I don’t know. But I’m there and I’m rooting. If you’re wondering, which one of these football titans is the cigarette smoking elf Kristen Stewart —-> NDAMUKONG SUH! I love this man!

San Francisco 49ers (2-6)


I want to love them, but I don’t. A team and a band needs to be more than a sum of its parts. Individually I’m a fan of everyone in the band and I have a big man crush on a number of players in key areas on the 49ers: Patrick Willis, Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree, Frank Gore. I even love their coach Mike Singletary, but he just isn’t providing the wins that he needs to. As for Them Crooked Vultures, I love droning rock n’ roll, but none of the songs sound like hits and both groups sadly need a change in leadership to keep me as a fan.

Denver Broncos (2-6)

Fox’s TV show supernatural mystery thriller that I have absolutely no fucking clue about Fringe. When I think about the Denver Broncos for a minute my brain begins to hurt and I realize I have no fucking clue what is happening with the Broncos. They came out on fire last year just running teams over and then did a 180 and collapsed. This season they suck, but then they look ok and in all honestly they really are just not that interesting. I have never watched a second of Fringe and feel perfectly comfortable continuing that. Wasn’t that show about people dying on a plane and now the guy from Dawson’s Creek is a ghost or something. Is Kyle Orton a good quarterback or not? I really just don’t care.

Dallas Cowboys (1-7)


Lindsay Lohan. This one is easy. Just a few years ago, she was America’s darling and now she is in a downward spiral with no bottom. This year has been absolutely disastrous. On the surface it seems like the Cowboys and Lindsay should be able to get it done. Even with all the abuse Lindsay has done to herself, she can still look great. I mean she’s young, pretty, has big… eyes, but she is making just the worst decisions. The Cowboys are full of crazy talent with Miles Austin, Dez Bryant, Felix Jones, Demarcus Ware, Tony Romo (when not injured obviously), Jason Witten and so on, but they are just mentally not there to correct all the mistakes they are making. At some point, one would think that Lindsay and the Cowboys will have a moment of clarity and get back on top… but they haven’t. Maybe next year.

Carolina Panthers (1-7)


Your grandma has been turned into a zombie aka the Carolina Panthers. At this point just kill it with fire or chop its head off and move forward with your life. Once you’re bitten and turned into a zombie, life just keeps getting worse. The Panthers wasted their quarterback money on Jimmy Clausen and Matt Moore and neither is leading them to any victories. If there was a way they could forfeit the rest of the season they should. Just as you loved your grandma, the Panthers have loved their coach John Fox. But at this point she’s a zombie and he is another failed coach, so you need to part ways. The only thing left for zombie grandma or the Carolina Panthers is to maybe play season spoiler for some other team and hurt some other team’s star thus turning them into a futureless zombie football team as well.

Buffalo Bills (0-8)


This fucking website. Got a lot of no name talent giving it their all out there, but not a single win on their record. They’ll battle to the death with the big teams in all areas, but just come up short in the end. And the fans are a bunch of winos.

It is cool finally outside. It has been warm for easily the past week, so warm that I’ll decide to go out into the city and psych myself into thinking that at some point arctic temperatures will dive bomb me in the middle of my night out and I’ll need to be prepared. Instead, I end up sweating my ass off lugging around my dead weight jacket and maybe even a knit hat. Times they are a changing.

If I had to choose my favorite weather it would be “Kevin Smith”-weather. It is cool enough to wear a sweatshirt, but not frigid enough to wear shorts. Although, no matter what age a man is – wearing shorts and a sweatshirt makes him look pretty juvenile. Sometimes, you have to admit those kids get it – and that “it” is comfort. Shorts and a hooded sweatshirt may be what I consider the most comfortable outfit. But it won’t get you a ton of respect wearing it around all the time and at some point you need to grow up and start eating wheat instead of white and Kevin Smith needs to dress like a normal person and not a second semester Freshman in college.

Speaking of movies… were we talking about movies?… I am watching the NFL channel’s “Top 100 NFL Players of All Time” from last night… does this have to do with movies?… They have been counting down from 100 to 1 in hourly installments revealing 10 at a time. I am in the middle of the 20-11 bracket right now and next week on Thursday at 9pm on the NFL Network they will reveal 10-1… great… I absolutely love the program. They put together highlight packages for each player as well as a personal account of the player’s greatness from either another football player, coach, writer, or celebrity. It is all over the map. Like Billy Dee Williams (Lando from Star Wars aka the black guy who gets to drive the Millennium Falcon) introduces Gale Sayers. Reason being, Billy Dee Williams played Gale Sayers in the classic film Brian’s Song that James Caan was also in. That movie will make you cry if you have a soul in your body. If you don’t cry then you are already among the damned and are trying to destroy all of humanity from palm of the Dark One’s hand.

Movies!?! … RIGHT! So, they just did a profile for #19 – Bronko Nagurski. There are a lot of movies made about former athletes or random events that happen in the world. Most of those stories I don’t believe should ever be made into a movie. Meanwhile, somehow Bronko Nagurski’s life story doesn’t seem to have been told on the big screen and IT SHOULD BE!

– 6’3″ 250+ – he was a beast of a man

– Played for the Chicago Bears as a fullback prior to WWII

– Was one of the best players in the NFL during that period of time

– Because NFL players got paid almost nothing and it was during The Great Depression so he takes on another job – Professional Wrestler

– As a professional wrestler, he becomes the Heavyweight Champion 3 years in a row (I think)

– Ends up in WWII

– The Chicago Bears re-sign Nagurski

– Older, heavier and slower – they put Nagurski in as a Tackle

– In his final game (which was a championship game), with a lack of fullbacks because they were all drafted into WWII – they put Nagurski in as fullback six years removed from his last time playing fullback

– Leads 2 touchdown drives to win that game as a bruising old man

– His name is BRONKO NAGURSKI

It’s FUCKING question TIME!

What did you do with the unnamed commenters earlier this week? Were they like you pictured them?

Drank. We drank alcohol. Isn’t that what you do with people? We also chit-chatted like the bitches we are. HAHAHAHAHAH… hahah… hooo… They were very nice. Not bitches. They are/were nice ladies.

“Were they like you pictured them?” – Short answer: yes.

But long answer: … a long answer that has nothing to do with the question kind of…

I have joked that people are so much bigger in person than they are on the internet. That is the difference. I am always shocked at how big people are in real life. Think about it like this, before you meet the person in real life, most likely you will have seen a picture of them online or many pictures. All those pictures are infinitely smaller than the person standing in front of you. My computer monitor is 15 or 17 inches and *fingers crossed* the full scale person is bigger than 17 inches*. So generally, I’m seeing this person as a 5 inches tall. Their whole existence is no bigger than my… ahem… finger. But when you see them in person, they are full size! They’re not some miniature key chain version of themselves – they are themselves! It is very interesting. It’s the reverse for movie stars because you see them on a huge movie screen. Their head is 20 feet tall, so in real life they look smaller.

The funnier thing to me is that I’m a big guy. So no matter how “big” the person is in real life, I’m usually bigger than they are. So so, when I met these ladies – my first reaction is they’re so much more than a 3×5 picture and then I’m like I’m a lot bigger than they are, so if this turns into a street fight I can take them. I’m just kidding about the last part. It’s just funny to think about that they seem so real in person because I find the internet wildly fake to begin with.

Will someone PLEASE make a series out of KSWIG & His CommenTater Wives? Please???

Not much of a question, but yes! Someone should make it. I’ll sign away my likeness rights, so please make it. SOMEONE!

So you are a tour guide now? Because I’ll go to New York again in December. Or are you doing the tour guide thing for just some of the commontators?

I would imagine I could act as a tour guide for most of the regular commenting staff. I’m not sure about some of these other people who randomly comment like “DICKS”. I’m on the fence about being a tour guide for “DICKS”. But the rest of you? Sure, why not. I have enjoyed greatly meeting those who I have met, so sure.

Also, why can’t I see your okcupid profile?

I put a curse on your computer… or…

I’ve been told that you might need to copy and paste the url into the url and not click on the link.

I read your OKCupid profile and I want to know who the fuck is calling you a “bad boy”? Or did you use the quotation marks around “bad boy” to indicate that, by “bad boy,” you mean “decent, straight-up, easily-manipulated-through-guilt young man”?


Well… I’ll let one of the other comments explain first…

I think the bad boy thing is an ironic acknowledgment that some girls want the bad boy but won’t admit it. By pointing it out he effectively called them on their bullshit, but they can’t be mad, because supposedly they don’t want the bad boy anyway so it doesn’t apply to them. Or something. I don’t know, I just had a Four Loko and my BAC is like .27.

Minus the last troubling bit about the Four Loko drinking, I would agree with this. It is partly why I did it. It does seem like a lot of girls/women want a “bad boy” type, but I’m not much of one. I don’t think I look like a bad boy at all. I try to make people laugh, I’m generally pretty nice to people especially when I’m with other people, and I don’t “brood” in public. Also, I don’t own a leather jacket. So, yeah, it is a little jab at chicks for liking d-bags because they are “bad boys”. Who the fuck is a “bad boy”? I’m 6’3″ at least and I’ll strangle some “bad boy” with my bear hands and just the rage I have in my body over the second Star Wars trilogy. That’s all it will take. And yes, my hands become the hands of a “bear” when I am provoked. It is an odd super power, but at least it is a super power.

I also did it for the “yucks”. Clearly, it is a joke. I put it in quotes and so forth.

I wasn’t aware you engaged in threesomes with your commenters. Is this open for everyone? Is there an application process? What are your hard limits?

My “hard limits”? I don’t like being slapped or bound if that is what you mean. I would say all applications can be emailed to me. Just fill in whatever details you believe are necessary – physical dimensions, IQ, allergies, et cetera.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I hope everyone has a great Halloween. If everyone wants to talk about what they’re dressing up as for Halloween then that would be cool. Including visual evidence would be cool too.

I think I am being a “flag football player”. Why? Because I’m in the middle of moving right now and because I don’t like dressing up.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

It’s time to take a trip in the way back machine. Not too far back, but back enough that it is backity back. The way back machine is taking us to a time before the New York Giants Gmen defense made a fool of the Houston Texans offense and their star running back Arian “Master Race” Foster. Way back before Carson Palmer started playing for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and throwing them gaining winning interceptions. Before Peggy Olsen wore another form fitting dress on Mad Men making me question whether or not Elisabeth Moss becoming the new sex symbol on this season has anything to do with her recent public break-up with not all that funny Fred Armisen. Way back before Fred Armisen et al had a second straight unfunny SNL episode – Saturday Night Live is supposed to be funny, right? It is not a science experiment to see how long will it take for NBC to cancel the show? Way back before Nick Diaz put on a 5 round slug fest with KJ Noons and his hair.

Let’s talk about Saturday.

As many of these Monday posts seem to be, my weekend focused around Saturday. All my “activities” were on Saturday, but sitting around a TV and watching football on Sunday is pretty close to a perfect Sunday for me. Sure it could be better. Sure the greatest vanilla ice cream in the world could be made into a more alluring dessert with hot fudge or sprinkles or peanut butter chips or a dusting of another topping, but the vanilla ice cream itself is still the greatest vanilla ice cream in the world. The toppings are not altering its molecular structure of making it a better vanilla – it is just a better dessert. Anyway, Sundays are meant for watching football like God and Jesus sang in the Bible (Holy Ghost on the harpsichord), but sharing that football Sunday drinking mimosas with Chuck Klosterman and the current roster of Victoria’s Secret models would be a better dessert.

Saturday consisted of 4 distinct parts:

1. Oversleeping

Yes, I was well prepared to wake up before 1pm on Saturday, but it was not in the cards. I was planning on attending New York Comic Con and had mapped my route to the event and was all ready to go, but I didn’t. I was supposed to meet someone there, but he said he would’ve been busy. Then I looked at the schedule and nothing really caught my eye. There was going to be a show on “cosplay” which I do enjoy greatly as a spectator sport, but it was at 10am. There is no way I’m waking up and getting into the city to the Javitz center by 10 for the chance to talk about “cosplay”. There better have been a full on orgy of cosplayers depicting every unspeakable act one anime character could do to another anime character while several dozen anime characters also do to that together and there are bubbles.

2. It’s Kind of a Funny Story

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I did eventually get up, eat, shower, get dressed, and leave for New York City. My first call to action was an appointment with an indie film from Focus Features with a Mr. Zach Galifiankasdtuokis. Before getting there, let me just say that I loathe preparing for a day in the city. I know it is seen as perfectly reasonable for men to wear purses… *cough* *ahem*… messenger bags and has been for awhile, but I am anti this. It is just not for me. People load up that bag with a jacket, umbrella, canteen, Swiss Army knife et cetera as if they are going camping. Leaving one’s apartment and going to the city to see a movie should not be an “excursion”. It should be a normal activity. And yet, one has to prepare. I knew that I would be out late and it was fairly warm when I was leaving at 3pm – returning at 3am would be different story, so I had to wear and carry my jacket with me… with my hands! Once that sun goes down, all hell breaks loose! I envy those with their bags when it does rain and I have not packed my umbrella into the pocket of my jeans. I also envy them when a tree falls and they are right there with their hatchet helping making the first set of cuts. Or if a woman goes into labor on the subway and there they are pulling an air mattress, towels, a hot plate, a pot to boil water in, a 20 gallon jug of water, an OBGYN all come out of that bag.

The movie was fine. It was good. Not particularly good. It wasn’t bad either. There were some funny parts, although most of the good stuff is in the trailer. Zach does do a good job in a more dramatic role. But the movie is pretty skin deep when it comes to plot and conclusion. In the end, I don’t think the kid really had any “problems”. He is depressed and thinks of committing suicide, but doesn’t. And he does this after stopping Zoloft prematurely. Maybe the dick should go back on Zoloft? Well, that doesn’t matter because they admit him to the mental hospital without checking with his parents first. After hanging out at the mental hospital for 24 hours, he runs into the ONLY other TEEN in the building who just so happens to be EMMA ROBERTS.

The main character kid is smart, draws really well, can sing, is no more socially awkward than anyone else, has friends and a loving family. What a fuck up, right? And, he is in a mental hospital and runs into Emma Roberts who instantly takes a shine to him. What’s Emma’s problem? She cuts herself. She’s got a few scars on her forearm that she hides with long sleeves. She has three scars on her face that I never noticed in the trailer or in any of the clips of the movie I saw online and are on her left cheek near her jaw line. Oh yeah, what a freak show? This is why this movie is not particularly good because this kids big decision is whether or not to fall in love with Emma Roberts and the cat scratch scar on her face. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? If they wanted to make this a real choice they would have her all carved up like McNulty as Jigsaw in Punisher: War Zone.

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Emma Roberts looks beautiful as ever with these faint three lines on the side of her face. They fall in love. And on top of that, for NO reason at all there is a scene where Zoe Kravitz – thee love child of Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet – throws herself at our protagonist who is not only not mentally screwed up in any way, but is actually the luckiest motherfucker ever. If you don’t know who Zoe Kravitz is then she is a hot multiracial angel.

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Again, not particularly bad, but not particularly good. If you can look past this movie as trying to have any substance to it then it is fine. But the substantive value of this movie is that a kid with little to no problems ends up with Emma Roberts because he checked himself into a mental hospital for 5 days. What a rough fucking life?

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3. ROLLER DERBY

You were not expecting that were you?

After the movie, I caught the F to 63rd and Lexington to venture inside Hunter College’s basement to watch the final season match-up for the GOTHAM GIRLS ROLLER DERBY. I had never been to a roller derby game, match, event before and was eagerly anticipating a scene out of Whip It. I had been warned prior to buy my tickets early because the event would be sold out, so I did and it was. I’m not sure how many people is a sold out show in the basement of Hunter College, but it was sold out and people were packed in there to watch two of their hometown teams do battle with two out of town teams.

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First up: The Brooklyn Bombshells vs. The Providence Pigeons

Needless to say, I was rooting for Brooklyn. But let’s pretend there was a choice in the matter. Would I really want to root for “pigeons” from Rhode Island? No. Why would I want to root for really anything from Rhode Island let alone pigeons? To any readers from Rhode Island, your state is the size of a thimble and is it even an “island”? I’m guessing it could be with rivers and such, but what a lame island. Anyway, I was rooting for Brooklyn and their Bombshells. One reason why I was there that evening was to see one Bombshell in particular who is a roommate of a friend of mine. I won’t say which one she is, but if you were there… she was one of the Bombshells who the Pigeons will have nightmares about for weeks to come.

Roller derby is rough. These girls are really hitting each other. Actually, maybe even worse is when they don’t hit each other and the one lines up to hit the other and the other moves and the first one goes flying into a wall or the bleachers. It is no joke out there with the body checks and shoulder tackles. I wrote not too long ago about how potentially dangerous roller skating for just roller skating purposes can be, now add in a series of other roller skaters trying to clobber you.

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At the first whistle (there is so much whistling in roller derby), I did not know what was going on. The only roller derby I had watched previously was the movie Whip It and I really wasn’t paying too close of attention. But the basic idea of roller derby can be grasped pretty quickly like all sports. In roller derby there are 5 girls for each team on the track at one time – so 10 girls are out there skating in a circle. Two of the ten (one from each team) are called “jammers”. Those jammers are the running backs of the roller derby team. Meanwhile the other 8 girls (4 vs. 4) are the offensive and defensive line of the team. I’m putting this in football terms thinking people will get this analogy – hopefully you do. The jammer needs to get through the pack of girls and pass each member of the opposing team. The first of the jammers to do so becomes the “lead jammer” and from then on is trying to accomplish that task over and over again. Each time the lead jammer gets through the pack and laps the opposing team she scores points.

That is the basic premise of the sport. There are substitutions and jammers are changed out and there is a penalty box and there are other rules and so on and so forth, but just as football is about putting the ball in the end zone – this is about the jammer lapping the pack and doing it first and often. So what happened between the Bombshells and the Pigeons? Again if I could use an analogy of football… it was like Superbowl XXIX between the Chargers and the 49ers where in some dimension of space and time Steve Young is still scoring touchdowns. The Bombshells scored I believe 202 points to the Pigeons scoring 20. If there was a mercy in roller derby it would have been beaten by the Bombshells because they ran wild on the girls from Providence.

Second up: Manhattan Mayhem vs. Suburban Brawl

Again, I was rooting for the home team because in all honesty I was sitting next to the parents of a rookie on the Mayhem. At first, this was much more competitive than the Bombshells game. The score was low and back and forth, but eventually the Mayhem ran away with it in the second half. The first game was played at a much higher speed and the girls were really going after each other. In this game, it didn’t get really rolling until the second half – both sides seemed hesitant at first.

These girls are all competing for the love of this game because they’re not getting paid and they are actually paying to play with travel, dues and equipment. In that regard, it really added to it that I was sitting next to parents and in a college gym because it felt more like a school sport where everyone is running on sheer enthusiasm. Also, I won’t lie – there were a lot of chicks at this event. I mean clearly all the roller derby girls were girls, but a good deal of chicks in the crowd. Although, after spending a couple hours watching girls regularly shoulder check other girls into the first row of the bleachers – I wouldn’t be surprised if hitting on any of the girls in the crowd could result in them hitting you back like with an elbow.

Nevertheless, the Mayhem won. They started to run away with it and the Brawl couldn’t stop them. I think it was 110 or so to 60 or so.

If I had any insight into roller derby that I learned from watching two games of it on Saturday – it has a lot to do with the butt.

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If you are not comfortable with using your butt then roller derby is not the sport for you. If you are not comfortable on roller skates then you really shouldn’t compete in a roller skate sport, but the butt. The butt is a key weapon in the roller derby arsenal. It is used for blocking, it is used for hitting, and it is used as a handlebar for your teammates at times. One cannot grab a hold of another player – unless that player is on your own team. One cannot elbow either. This leaves the body and with said body – the butt. The butt can be used as a hip check or the butt can be used as a bumper to hold back people from getting by. Similar to Nascar, people who are riding up from behind need to get by, but if you shadow in front of them they can’t. Besides the body, the butt can be used with great dexterity by the experienced user.

Also, when teammates are lining up together to create a diagonal wall they usually grab onto their teammates shorts/butt for stability. The butt plays a pivotal role. That and if you have a jammer with Ladainian Tomlinson on his best days juke moves doesn’t hurt either.

I suggest to all of you to find a local league and go see a game. Most of you are women, so support other women. And if you’re a dude and if watching chicks in roller skates shoulder checking each other isn’t appealing to you then we’re probably not friends.

4. Bad Decisions

After roller derby, I grabbed some drinks with friends. But after that, I was hungry. I didn’t eat dinner before roller derby because I’m a stupid head and now it was 1 am or so. I ended up spying Sbarro and that they took credit cards. I ate my last slice of Sbarro pizza on Saturday night and washed it down with a beer because they sell beer and wine there. Ugh, it was disgusting. Never again. Like 9/11 or the Holocaust – Sbarro pizza is never again!

And that was my weekend + laying around Sunday watching football, Mad Men, Bored to Death and Eastbound and Down.

You?

It is another disgusting day on this planet. Just mucky. And per usual, I’m tired and didn’t get much sleep. With all this shittiness, I thought I would talk of a happier days, happier places, happier people and, of course, I’m talking about the TELEVISION! Oh, how I love thee. Let’s talk about what I watch on television.

MONDAY

Thank God for Football. I truly thank the almighty for football. In Judaism during the holiday of Passover, there is a list of things that God has given us. God saved us from bondage, led us through the badlands of Egypt, fed us with manna, gave us our sense of humor, told us Joe Namath would win Superbowl III so we all made a good deal of money off of that. After each thing that is listed is said out loud, we respond with “dayenu”, which roughly translates to “it would have been enough” or “it would have been sufficient”. God didn’t only give Jews football; God gave football to all human beings – nevertheless, it is such a big deal that I think it should be listed in there. Yeah, God saved us from being slaves and gave us the 10 Commandments and led us to the Promised Land and that jazz and then there was this big break where God was thinking up what really the world needed. Saving people from slavery is obvious, but what could really complete the human existence paradox? Professional tackle football, obviously.

Also, what is manna? I’ve been walking this Earth for 27 years and have yet to order “manna” off a restaurant menu once.

Monday’s I watch football. Occasionally, I flip over to Monday Night RAW to see what the professional wrestlers are up to. It’s usually just a pop-in. Just checking in on them.

TUESDAY

Nothing. Well…

I was a fan of Sons of Anarchy, but that is waning. I really enjoyed the first season of Sons of Anarchy. I thought it was a solid B+ TV show. The second season had was good – more good than bad. But there were definitely episodes that I really didn’t care for. And the season ended with a storyline that was wild, but at the same time I couldn’t care less about it. This third season has been dreadful. The problem with the show is there is no sense of reality to it anymore. It is just wild and none of it seems to make any sense. With all the murder and gun violence, someone would have to find out about it like a Senator or Governor or the National Guard. I’m just not into it anymore. I’m watching because there isn’t anything else to watch.

Blue Mountain State – I believe this show is starting up with new episodes soon. I love Blue Mountain State. It is on Spike and I believe it is at 11pm, but who knows. I’m not so sure any of you would actually like the show. It really seems like it is for guys and guys who like really ridiculous shit. Also, it is slightly about football.

This past Tuesday, I ended up watching Glee and Dancing with the Stars. What is this world coming to? Glee was fine. I think they could have used Britney more, but maybe she didn’t want to do more. Who knows? I will say that the once girl recreating the “Hit me baby one more time” was really hot and it reminded me why I love Catholic School girl outfits -which I didn’t forget, but who doesn’t love to be reminded about something they love. Do you love free ice cream? Sure. Well, here is some free ice cream. YES! DWTS was odd – I really dug seeing Seal up there for no other reason then because he is Seal and he does what he wants.

WEDNESDAY

Modern Family – obviously. Great show. If you are not watching Modern Family then you are robbing yourself of joyous heartwarming pleasure. That’s all you’re doing to yourself. You are robbing yourself of smiles, laughter, and an overall sentiment that we good people trying to make it in this world despite our flaws. So, if you don’t watch Modern Family you may hate yourself. Just a theory.

Cougar Town – stop laughing, just listen! It is on right after Modern Family and on the same channel. I don’t have a clue what else is on at 9:30pm on a Wednesday, but I do know this is on and I’m not offended by it. I like Busy Phillips and I like the guy who is Courtney Cox’s ex-husband. Courtney Cox isn’t bad on the show either. The show is a lot more sarcastic and filled with dark humor than many would think – especially me.

The Ultimate Fighter – I love The Ultimate Fighter. It is a reality show, but no matter what at the end of the show you someone fight someone, which is excellent. The one thing this is great about The Ultimate Fighter is that if you are a fan of the UFC then it makes so much sense to watch the show because these guys will be on the pay-per-views at some point and some of them may end up being great fighters one day, so why not get in on the ground floor and see where they started. Two past winners of The Ultimate Fighter have gone on to win the Light-Heavyweight Championship and several The Ultimate Fighter alums have fought for belts. This season of The Ultimate Fighter features Josh Koscheck as one of the coaches. He was a competitor on the first season of the show and now has made himself one of the elite Welterweights in the UFC and will fight the Welterweight Champion, Georges St. Pierre, at the end of the show. Of course, if you don’t like the UFC then there is absolutely no reason to watch it.

Inside the NFL – It’s football. I watch it.

THURSDAY

Community is arguably the best half-hour on television. It is brilliant. No more needs to be said.

I do watch 30 Rock, but I’m kind of over the show. The season premiere episode was a lot better than a lot of the episodes from last season, so hopefully that continues. I don’t mind the show; it just seems like they get lazy. I get it – Tina Fey doesn’t think she is attractive and she eats weird things. First, who doesn’t eat weird things? I caught myself eating a chicken and cheese sandwich on an everything bagel with a cup of coffee and a bag of cool ranch Doritos. And then I did it again a couple days later. I don’t recommend it. Secondly, Tina Fey is attractive. She’s a good looking broad and nothing is more annoying in this world than listening to a good looking person say they are not good looking.

The Office has become an institution on NBC. It definitely is still better than it is not. I really think Ed Helms saves the show more often than not. Craig Robinson doesn’t get to do too much on the show, but whatever they have him do is great. I think Steve Carell is still excellent on the show, but I am looking forward to seeing what happens when they replace him. I’m also just curious to see who is replacing him. I’ve seen two maybe castings of Harvey Keitel and Rhys Darby. Two very different actors, but two actors that I think could do a great job. Rhys was unreal funny on Flight of the Conchords as Murray and I imagine it would be a similar role for him on The Office. As for Keitel, I’d be interested in seeing what he brings to that character.

I watched that episode of Outsourced and hated it. I really cannot wait until Parks and Recreations replaces that show. This show was the second funniest show on NBC to Community and I was shocked when they put it to mid-season replacement. Just absurd.

Jersey Shore. Yeah, that is enough said right there. That show is fucking gold. Tonight Angelina will fight Snooki and I will love every motherfucking second of it!

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The League. I really have not liked the past two Sunny episodes which has been very disconcerting. Tonight’s episode looks wild and I’m very excited to see if they can right this sinking ship. The League is a decent show. It’s far from great, but it is not bad at all. It has some consistently funny characters, it is sort of about football and they do a good job keeping each episode different, but still have that fantasy football thread running through it. So far, both of The League episode have outshined Sunny.

FRIDAY and SATURDAY

Nothing. I’m usually drinking booze or watching movies or college football. But I’m not the biggest fan of college football. I have no team and it just pails in comparison to professional football. A lot of wild stuff happens in college football, but a lot of times that can be chalked up to immaturity of the game and the disparity between players. There is a clear difference in talent from player to player, so the game is uneven.

SUNDAY

MOTHERFUCKING FOOTBALL! The NFL resides over my Sunday activities. I watch the 1pm game, the 4pm game and the 8:15 or whatever pm game. I watch as many games as I can and I love them to pieces. Sunday is my favorite day of the week.

Mad Men – I love Mad Men. This season has been really great. I think my favorite two episodes were the night out on the town with Don and Lane, and the episode with Don keeping a diary. Those two episodes were very memorable. It is remarkable what the show has done this season – it added a great deal of humor and humanity to the show. In some regards, past seasons have come across like really well dressed and groomed robots interacting with each other. This season tried to humanize them a lot more and in that there has been both sadness, but a lot of humor. The humor of the show has been really well done with the characters starting their own business and with starting their own business has come office shenanigans.

I think I’m the only person in the world who watches Rubicon and I have stopped watching it. I’ve missed the past two episodes and have them on DVR, but I honestly don’t care about catching up on them. I never understood what was happening on that show and now I never will. I’m fine with that.

Last, but not least – the new HBO line-up:

Boardwalk Empire – it’s OK. I’m really not in love with the show, but I’ll keep watching it. I know there hasn’t been a TV show about Atlantic City during Prohibition, but this show really isn’t anything more than any other gangster movie or TV show. The main guy is doing illegal stuff, but he pretends in public like he isn’t. There are guys who also do illegal stuff who are in a power struggle with him. And the cops are trying to arrest him. Great. Wonderful. I get it. There is blood and nudity on the show and that is enough for most people. I’ve seen the movie The Untouchables and Hoodlum and a bunch of other movies like that, which are all better than Boardwalk Empire. The show isn’t breaking new ground as far as story or action, it is same old same old, but with a different location. Also, I have no reason to root for Steve Buscemi’s character or Michael Pitt’s character at all. There isn’t anything compelling about them minus the fact that the TV show clearly wants you to root for them. Buscemi’s character “Nucky” Thompson is just *shrugs*. There is nothing that he does that sets him apart. There isn’t one great character on that show as far as I’m concerned in these first two episodes and the storyline isn’t breaking the mold, so I’m patiently waiting for it to either lose my attention completely or to maybe surprise me.

Bored to Death – Phenomenal show. Zach Galifianakis  and Ted Danson are just wonderful on the show. Especially, Ted Danson. I’m a big fan of Zach already and he has been nailing it with everything he is doing, so that was not surprising. Ted makes great cameos on Curb Your Enthusiasm and who didn’t love Cheers, but Ted has truly reinvented himself on Bored to Death. His character is rich, effeminate, full of wonder, craves intimacy, graceful and just hysterical. And with all that, Jason Schwartzmen does a great job being the lynch-pin that keeps the show together.

Eastbound & Down – OUT OF CONTROL! I fucking love this show. It is the riskiest show on television and there is nothing like it. I really love it and I love everything they do on it. I love that they season takes place in Mexico. I really can’t say much about this show where it doesn’t sound like I’m gushing over it like a love sick teenager. So, I’ll just say I realize it isn’t for everyone, but I’m thankful it is for me.

So there you go. Thank God for the DVR.

Questions…

Also, there may not be a Friday post, but if you do ask questions I’ll make sure to answer them next week if I can’t get to post tomorrow. I have obligations and they will most likely take up all morning. But crazier things have happened and I could post.

Jeez… 2000 words. I’m tired.

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