I could be angrier. I could be. The Pittsburgh Steelers lost in overtime to the Baltimore Ravens. A game that they could have won. But, in all honesty, I was expecting a much worse showing than the Steelers gave. Early in the week they had made it abundantly clear that Ben Roethlisberger was going to play despite the concussion he suffered the previous game. At the proverbial last minute, Ben was not cleared to play and this opened the door to 3rd string quarterback Dennis Dixon to make his first NFL start.

Basically a rookie quarterback, no Troy Polamalu, at Baltimore, against the vaunted Ravens defense!?!

I was expecting to lose. The Baltimore Ravens opening drive didn’t help my confidence any as they took the ball the length of the field for a touchdown fairly easily. If you watched the game, you would have seen all the depressing statistics the Ravens have on their usually lackluster opening drives. Now they are up 7-0, gggrrreeeaaattt. So how did the rook do?

Pretty great, actually. Dennis Dixon scored two touchdowns, led a drive for a field goal and, finally, threw an interception that cost them the game. It was better than people expected and, in the end, ended the way one would think a rookie start versus one of the best defenses in the league and your team’s number 1 bitter rival would end. So, he played well. Rashard Mendenhall ran like a beast and our defense played pretty well. The Steelers are playing well enough to keep these games competitive and make you believe only to have your heart ripped out of your chest and peed on at the end of the game, but I guess that is better than getting woodshedded like some other teams have been around the league.

Oh, but it would have been so nice if they won. Why?

Dennis Dixon = “Steamin’” Willie Beamen

Just saying. If Dixon won last night’s game then the Steelers would officially be Any Given Sunday and my life would be complete.

Also I was going to title this post “the six inches in front of your face” as a reference to Al Pacino’s speech in Any Given Sunday, but I’m going to take a wild guess and say that the comments section would be flooded with a lot different interpretation of that sentence. You people. You dirty people.

As far as the rest of the NFL, I watched all three games on Thanksgiving, the Jets/Panthers game on Sunday, and the Vikings/Bears game on Sunday. I’m not sure if anyone has ever said this, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say this guy named Brett Favre knows how to play football. Call me crazy, but I think this guy has a future in the league. At the age of 112, Brett Favre is having arguably the best season of his long long long long long illustrious career; through 11 games Brett has thrown 2874 yards, 24 touchdowns and only 3 interceptions. Even if “The Old Man”, as I call him or “The Silver Fox” as Jared Allen calls him, has the breakdown game that everyone has been expecting from the start where he throws 4 interceptions he would still be having an unreal season.

Thanksgiving and the subsequent break from work I received for it went pretty well. I ate a shit ton of turkey which does not sound at all appetizing. How much turkey? A shit ton? Fair enough. I followed that up with a fuck ton of biscuits, which sounds more appetizing the more you repeat it in your head. What is the difference between a shit ton and a fuck ton? It is relativity. A lot of people eat a lot of turkey. Turkey is the main dish and you are expected to eat anywhere from at least a little to eating a whole damn turkey and pissing off your relatives because turkeys take forever to cook and they will have to fill up on cranberry sauce and string beans instead of emeffin’ turkey.

A shit ton indicates that I indeed ate a lot of turkey. More turkey than what an average human being should or likely would eat. At some point, the majority of human beings would feel their stomach seizing in agony from all the turkey they had previously shoved into themselves and stopped shoving more turkey down their throat. But I am not most people. I write a blog about Kristen Stewart for fuck’s sake. So I pressed on and despite any injuries like the throbbing pain in my gut that I may have ate so much turkey it was now invading other organs in my body and mutating them into half human/half turkey organs I still ate more turkey. But again, it was Thanksgiving and I feel comfortable in my belief I was not the only one doing such things. If this was on a typical Tuesday then I would have upgraded from “shit ton” to “fuck ton” or been committed to a hospital for such high volume turkey eating without a holiday to justify it.

The fuck ton of biscuits is purposefully categorized as such because I do not believe as large of a group of the population gorges on biscuits in the same fashion I was. I ate a lot of mashed potatoes et cetera, but the biscuits were a sight. If the concept, the idea, the ethereal form of a biscuit ceased to exist today and there would be no biscuits or anything of the like from today onward until Kristen Stewart unmakes the world with her want during her inevitable young Hollywood starlet nervous breakdown – I would have had my fill this past Thursday. I ate enough biscuits on Thanksgiving that I satisfied any other sane person’s biscuit eating tally for the rest of their life. But I will eat more biscuits. There will always be more biscuits in my future. Unless everyone wants an apocalyptic scenario like in the movie 2012 where Earth is splitting in two and crumbling, there should be more biscuits in my future. You wouldn’t like me when I don’t have my biscuits.

Shit ton and fuck ton aside, I also saw The Fantastic Mr. Fox which you should all see. I also also saw a very sophisticated film that is/was much more enlightening and intelligent than that Twilight mess: Ninja Assassin. I am an adult and as an adult I would like to watch movies that are of an adult matter that I can relate to like ninjas. Seriously, high school vampire romance? I think you’re all a little too old to be watching such childish material. I, on the other hand, will sit at the adult table and discuss ninjas like the well educated man I play on TV. The movie was ok. Away We Go was also watched and was good and people should see it with their eyes.

There were 4 tweens standing inline in front of myself and my friend at the movies on our intellectual field trip to see said ninja movie. They, on the other hand, were going to see New Moon and they were all wearing “Team Jacob” t-shirts. I was going to write “they looked like screamers”, but that easily could be construed in a sexual manner and they looked anywhere between the ages of 13 and 14. Instead, I will rewrite what my publicist has written for me: “These young women below the legal age of consent appeared to be the type to exclaim loudly with joy and merriment when Taylor Lautner’s shirtless image is presented to them.”

I wonder if there is one truly clueless high school or junior high school principal in America who has no idea what Twilight is. Their school’s halls overrun by girl students in “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” t-shirts. Struggling to understand this predicament, he makes a formal conclusion on the matter believing that the females have chosen sides over two male students at the school. Scared there will be a turf war cat fight that will tear the foundation of his school apart, he calls a meeting of the teachers. He addresses the teachers in the teachers’ lounge. Coffee mugs and donuts for everyone. Dark bags under his eyes from many restless sleepless nights agonizing over what to do.

“I’m sure you are all wondering why I called this emergency action meeting. I have a great deal of concern for our school and maybe out town’s future. I believe we are standing at the edge of the precipice. I believe there is something brewing in these halls. I hear the screams. I see their wild eyes. They are wearing uniforms. They have laid down the battle lines. They have chosen their sides. And I don’t know what will happen next, but I think it will be bad. Catastrophic even. In short, I am terrified for all of our safety.”

He loosens his tie and wipes sweat from his brow.

“We need to think of something. We need to think of something fast before this madness consumes all of us. At the very least, we need to think of a solution that will save us from losing the lives of this next generation of women. Who will be the mothers of this town tomorrow if we do not save these girls today? I beg you. I implore you. We need to stop this war between the factions of Team Jacob and Team Edward!”

The teachers are stunned into silence by this imbecile’s words. He takes this shock as his desired response. The horror that is Team Jacob vs. Team Edward has stolen their very words.

“I believe I have deduced correctly that Jacob is resident 10th grade Jacob Razynski. He is the starting right middie of our varsity lacrosse team. Jacob was quite popular last year when he won the starting duties on our 6-4 lacrosse team during his freshman year. That was an unprecedented jump. No freshman in our school’s history had ever started on our varsity lacrosse team. I believe that the frenzy for his sophomore year effort on the team is what has caused these young women to choose him. As for Team Edward, I think we all know that can only be alluding to senior Edward Page.”

The stunned silence has now turned to an amusing calm at this stupidity or a tight lipped fury that this idiot is their boss. He is high on the attention and is pleased with his detective abilities.

“Edward Page Jr., better known as Teddy P, has successfully campaigned and been elected for class President every year while attending this high school. He vaulted into stardom when in his sophomore year he revolutionized the cafeteria by introducing a “make your own snow cone” machine. Between a record breaking Valentine’s Day heart shaped cookie bake sale and a generous donation from his father, Edward Page I Esquire, he single handedly changed this school forever. I, myself, eat at least one snow cone everyday. If I am having a particularly troubling morning I may indulge in a snow cone to lift my spirits, but on an average day I eat one in the afternoon. Generally around 2pm, I will make a blueberry, lemon, and cherry snow cone. It is two parts-

The principal notices a hand is raised: Andrew Starkey, 35, algebra teacher.

“Yes, Andrew. Do you have a quest-

“You’re a moron.”

“What? What did y-

“I said ‘you are a moron’. Teachers? Is he or is he not a moron?”

Some nod, some grumble yes, some emphatically repeat “he is a moron”.

“Jacob Razynski? Teddy P? Who the hell calls him Teddy P besides you? Jacob and Ed Page are not what those t-shirts are referring to you jackass. They are for Edward Cullen and Jacob Black. It is because of those stupid books and those stupid movies. My 12 year old and my 9 year old are absolutely obsessed with those dumb books. I think I’m going to snap if one of my daughters asks me again about my “immortal love” for their mother. I absolutely hate my wife right now because she brought those books and that movie into my home. I thin-

“I’m sorry to cut you off, but what movie and what books?”

Twilight!?! There are commercials for the movie on TV all the time. New Moon? The kids in those movies are all over everything. Robert Pattinson? Taylor Lautner? And then there is the main girl Kristen Stewart.”

“Oh I know her. She wants it.”

All the teachers nod, grumble yes, and emphatically repeat “Kristen Stewart wants it”.

“Kristen Stewart does want it. You know, you’re not such a bad guy. I was wrong for calling you a moron. She does want it.”

“Well then now that we are all on the same side, why don’t we go get some snow cones? To Kristen Stewart! And her wanting it!”

– End Scene –

Outside of that, I went to a party on Saturday night. I did not know the majority of the people at the party nor did the friends I was there with. About half way through the party I am standing there talking to someone I did know when a friend of mine rushes up to me. He is red faced and his eyes are watering from laughing. He is almost out of “breadth”. He takes a moment and then begins an amazing set of rhetorical questions.

Do you remember the movie Independence Day?

Do you remember the part of the movie when they go to Area 51 to dissect the alien Will Smith caught?

Do you remember the main scientist?

The one who had the long hair, beard, glasses and was all cracked out?

He was the one who got thrown up against the glass and the alien used his tentacle wrapped around that guy’s throat to communicate with the Secret Service and the President played by Bill Pullman?

OF-FUCKING-COURSE I REMEMBER!

Look to your right.

BAM!

The guy standing 6 feet from me looked exactly like him! He didn’t look like Brent Spiner, but he looked like the fucking doctor character in Independence Day. As if that character had came to life and 13 years later was at a keg party in a basement standing 6 feet from me. That’s what that guy looked like. I immediately started laughing. After a minute I calmed down and went back to my original conversation. A couple minutes later, I was taking a sip of beer and turned to my right and the guy was standing right next to me.

I almost spit all the beer right in his face.

At the last second, my muscles caught my involuntary reaction of spitting the beer in his face and now I am choking on the beer. Choking on the beer leads me to almost throwing up on him or the wall next to him. But I stopped myself. And then I spent the rest of the night with acid reflux from the violent spit/choke/throw up/coughing fit. DAMN YOU OBSCURE MOVIE REFERENCES THAT COME TO LIFE!

Anyway, that was my Thanksgiving.

I know it. You know it. I know you know it. I know you know I know it and that you know it too. And don’t even act like there is anything else we both know that I would be talking about us knowing and each other knowing and at the same time we know we both know it. You know?

The Pittsburgh Steelers won.

*hold the applesauce*

They did give up 21 points in the fourth quarter, which may have taken a year off my life. But before that they looked amazing. Rashard Mendenhall ran like nobody’s business last night. If the NFL instituted a “mercy” rule like kids’ leagues have then the parents of the San Diego Chargers would have called for it during halftime. If you don’t know what a “mercy” rule is then you should’ve played sports as a kid.

Nevertheless, a “mercy” rule is when one team is getting the crap kicked out of them so badly that at some point they just stop the game and declare the one side the winner even though the game isn’t over. I guess it is to try and prevent any exceptional amounts of emotional scarring for those kids.

Indirectly, the “mercy” rule might be more beneficial for the parents of those sucky non-winning kids. If you’re sitting there and it is the 4th inning of a 9 inning tee-ball game and your kid’s team is losing 20-0, you may have lost respect for your kid and their team. All respect. For forever. Also who knows how long this could go on for? It’s already taken 3 hours to play 4 innings. Are we going to be here all night? I have work in the morning and there’s a new episode of Rescue Me tonight (there is no new episode of Rescue Me tonight; I don’t want to get your hopes up).

The longer the game goes on, the bad kids are only going to get more tired, frustrated, depressed, and worse in general. Where as the good kids are going to get more confident, sadistic, happy and overall greater human beings as the game goes on.

But there is no “mercy” rule in the NFL and the Steelers want me to get an ulcer so they let up 21 points in the fourth quarter putting me in a near coma. In the end, they won. And winning is all that matters. Tell your kids.

Denzel Washington wants to fucking kill you

I have no segue. Everyone expected me to mention the Steelers winning. At the same time, everyone expects a new post. So just pretend like there is an imaginary line delineating between the Steelers section of the post and the KSWI funny section of the post. Just imagine a dotted line right above the sentence that reads “Denzel Washington wants to fucking kill you”. That should be good.

Look at that man’s eyes. He wants it. That “it” maybe him killing you.

Yeah, he does. Do you know what he is smiling and laughing about here? Killing you. Well that’s a little harsh. At least he is going to mess you up. Real bad.

There is the Kristen Stewart all encompassing want. Megan Fox black hole want. Jon Hamm/Don Draper split personality want. Jessica Biel/George Clooney want it sometimes. Mila Kunis happy go-lucky want. And so on and so on. Today is Denzel Washington’s want to kill you.

Damn it! I hope he isn’t looking at me because he is going to kill whoever he is looking at. This is a picture of Denzel Washington in Devil In A Blue Dress. Great movie. I have seen this movie from beginning to end maybe 3 or 4 times which with a running time of 102 minutes….

I love Denzel Washington. He is hands down one of my favorite actors. He is easily one of the best actors of his generation and all generations. He brings instant credibility to any role he plays. All of his characters demand respect just by the sheer fact that he is playing them. Without any need for a back story for any character he plays, as soon as the movie starts and you see someone messing with Denzel Washington’s character you instantly start saying to yourself, “No, no, bad move. Don’t mess with him. Don’t mess with Denzel. Don’t mess with him. He is going to kill you! Run away!”

Oh man, he’s going to kill somebody. No matter what his role is: cop, lawyer, cop, criminal, cop, Navy man, another type of cop, boxer, cop, middle class dad, cop, lower class dad, former cop, Civil War hero and/or maybe a cop. Don’t fuck with him. He is about one second away from kicking your ass to death. In He Got Game, he is literally a heart beat away from beating everyone’s asses in every scene.

Remember when he throat punches Rosario Dawson’s other boyfriend in that movie? That guy just took it that heart beat too far. That’s what happens to people who mess with Denzel Washington. I’m not talking about the character “Jake Shuttlesworth”. I’m talking about Denzel Washington. I don’t think that was in the script. I think that kid from Drumline just didn’t no his role and tried to say something cute to Denzel and Denzel dropped him. That was real life. The cameras were still rolling because Spike Lee knows that some shit gets real when Denzel is around.

Oooooh he is going to kill someone! Doesn’t it give you chills? It gives me chills. Denzel Washington is a great looking man. But it isn’t that. This man has intensity in his eyes and facial expressions that all spell out the worlds:

d-o-n-o-t-f-u-c-k-w-i-t-h-m-e-o-r-i-a-m-g-o-i-n-g-t-o-b-e-a-t-y-o-u-r-a-s-s

He may be smiling in this picture, but it is not a happy smile. Denzel is showing you his teeth before he sinks them into your jugular. I would be scared to death if I was the photographer.

Step away from my car before I shove that camera up your ass. I can’t imagine him saying anything else right here. Look how badly he wants to mess up the photographer. Denzel’s want is so focused on one idea: destruction. He is a smart bomb of want. He is an intelligently designed technological wonder of unlimited power and satellite radar guidance that will fuck up what it has its sights set on.

Even better, he is a proximity mine packed with enough explosives to unmake the world. That world? Yours. If you fuck with Denzel Washington it will be like God blinked you out of existence.

Christ, that is some scary shit. That’s what it looks like right before Denzel Washington kicks your ass. He has a lovely temperament, he is an exceedingly great looking man, a wonderful father, a phenomenal actor and he is just waiting for you to screw up so he can beat your ass so bad you wish you weren’t even born.

I have never met or seen Denzel Washington in real life, but from all these pictures it looks like people won’t stop fucking with him.

What? What did you say mother fucker? You do realize I’m Denzel Washington, right? Do you know what I’m going to do to you?

First, everything is going to get real quiet. Just shhhhhhhhh. Everything will be real calm and still. You could hear a pin drop it’s so quiet, but no pins will be dropping. You can hear the leaves rustling it is so quiet, but there won’t be any wind blowing. You could hear me eyelashes touch when I blink it is so quiet, but I’m not blinking. I’m looking right at you. I want something and I’m going to get it. It is going to be so quiet you will feel the need to whisper. You want to whisper to me about going back in time before it got this quiet and just walking away. But nobody is talking. And at that moment, when you realize no noise is being made, no one is blinking, no one is talking…

I’M GOING TO WHOOP YOUR FUCKING ASS!

Hunh?

Look at how badly, Denzel Washington wants to mess someone up right here. It’s nuts. He is going to mess someone up.

So I was kicking this guy’s ass, right? I was on top of him just beating this guy up. Then I start saying to him in between each moment that I was kicking his ass, “You messed up. I’m betting you’re sorry now. You don’t mess with Denzel Washington. Oh, yeah and if you survive this. If God some how grants you mercy. If some how Jesus descends to Earth and heals you. If they dig up Elisha’s bones and they touch your dead body to Elisha’s dead body bones and resurrect you from this ass kicking then you better go see Inside Man. I’ll find you. If you don’t have some ticket stubs then we are going to do this dance again.”

Uhhhhhh, what did you say? You might want to rethink what you said. I’m asking you to repeat yourself, but what you say next shouldn’t be what you said the first time. I’m giving you a reprieve to rewrite history. Oh, I heard what you said, but I think you are too stupid to realize what is going to happen if you don’t make me happy right now. Can you not read body language? Can you not feel the intense want in my eyes to tear you limb from limb? Can you not hear the low frequency tone my want gives off that alerts animals that an aggressive dominant alpha-male is in their presence? So think about this long and hard because the next words that come out of your mouth may be your last and may be the precursor to the most traumatizing experience of the lives of everyone in this room.

I’ll repeat, what was that question about Remember the Titans?

Speaking of. I’m pretty sure Denzel is saying to Hayden, “you know I would whoop your ass if you weren’t the most adorable child actor of all time who most likely will become an insane sex symbol in several years, which makes it awkward for everyone when they rewatch heart warming movies like this in the future and you’re just a kid in this, but at that point in time you are prancing around in bikinis and looking like you want it in a see-thru dress on Letterman.”

It isn’t that Denzel Washington can see the future, it is just everyone knew that was going to happen with Hayden. I think everyone who has seen Remember the Titans at some point or another during the movie thought to themselves, “that chick is going to be all the hot.” Anyway, Denzel wouldn’t whoop her ass. He’s a gentleman.

Unless she crossed him.

DW – Hahahahahahahahah We’re laughing. Denzel Washington and Sam Cassell, we’re laughing together. Oh we are enjoying this laughter. It is so fulfilling. It feels so good to smile and chuckle like this. But you know what would be more fulfilling, Sam Cassell?

SC – Hahahahahah  What would that be, Mr. Washington?

DW – Hahahahahahahahahah   Me whipping your ass.

SC – Hahahahahahahahah  Yeah, I could see that being more fulfilling than this. Can we just continue laughing together and whenever you want to stop laughing with me and you want me to leave you’ll just tell me? Because I can see you want to whip my ass and I know you can do it. So how about we just keep laughing and when you give me the sig-

DW – Leave.

Sam Cassell runs. He runs so fast others turn to see him run. All they catch is a glimpse of him running with such purpose and determination that the others instinctually run with him.

Damn it, he is death in a tuxedo. That man wants it. Denzel Washington wants it bad. It is just too bad that “it” is killing you. Denzel’s want to kick your ass is extremely powerful. It is a wrecking ball of want. It sends a cold shiver through me. But it has its limits. Denzel only wants to whoop your ass. There is a finite nature to this. It has its walls and limits. No one wants to beat your ass more than Denzel Washington. Nobody*. But in the totality of wanting it, Kristen Stewart reigns supreme.

Imagine “wanting it” is like a decathlon. Denzel Washington may be the greatest javelin thrower of all time in the history of the decathlon. But this ain’t the javelin throw. This is the decathlon. You don’t get a gold medal for being the best javelin throwing decathlete.

Kristen Stewart is the Jim Thorpe of wanting it.   

*Ray Lewis wants it and that it is to kill you as well. But Ray Lewis is an emotional man and there are times when he doesn’t want it. Namely when he is at church with his mom and family. Or the moments after he cries because he wants to kill all the NFL players so badly it brings him to tears. After those tears, he has a moment of calm when he thinks about what it is to be a man. And I could go on about this forever, debating Ray Lewis and Denzel Washington and who wants to kill you more, but I think I’ve exceeded my football talk already for a blog seemingly just about Kristen Stewart.

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