… how they could be defeated by Kristen Stewart.

Yes, you read that correctly. I’m not assuming any of these 10 trending topics, whoever or whatever they may be, will be enveloped by the sexy powers of the Dark Side. But if they are and their powers grow to a near international incident and the only means to stop them are sending On the Road co-star Kristen Stewart to defeat them in an one on one battle of psychic abilities not seen since the glorious theatrical experience The Lawnmower Man then this is how she would get ‘er done.


1. Joaquin Phoenix

What a powerful enemy indeed! No one ever said Kristen Stewart’s task as humanity protector would be easy, least of all me. I have warned her 100 fold. Aliens, historical figures being resurrected, bikini girls, elephants – her adversaries could be in all shapes and sizes. One size could be Joaquin Phoenix, which on the size chart is bigger than a medium, but not as big as a large.

Joaquin was on David Letterman last night talking about the last time he was on David Letterman. The last time he was on he had the beard and the sunglasses and the wild hair and was taping a scene for his movie I’m Still Here. He also went on to explain what inspired the movie (watching too many reality television shows) and he apologized to Dave – even though Dave said he realized from the start that this was fake.

How would Kristen Stewart defeat evil-Joaquin Phoenix? Well, I’m assuming we’ve seen a preview of what “evil-Joaquin Phoenix” already is with I’m Still Here. All an evil version really needs is facial hair that originally isn’t there on the ordinary individual. Evil-Joaquin Phoenix has the well documented beard, long hair and aviator sunglasses and a beanie and wants to rap. If Kristen is anything, she is fair. Firm, but fair*. Kristen Stewart would challenge Evil-Joaquin Phoenix to a battle rap competition. I’m guessing a best of 7 series.

If there isn’t a better sequel – I’m Still Here 2: Electric Bugaloo featuring K-Stew – then I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. NEXT!!

2. Bankruptcy Protection

What an interesting enemy indeed! This unusual high brow topic is trending specifically because the movie rental giant Blockbuster has been smited by the Biblical David in Netflix and those random ass rental machines that are outside grocery stores, pharmacies, malls et cetera. I understand that Blockbuster closing would be a loss of a whole bunch of jobs for especially the people who work at their stores. At the same time, I harbor a lot of ill will towards the blue and gold ripped ticket rental people because I applied for a job with their stupid asses back in high school and I did not get as much as a phone call. What the effin’ FUCK!?

In my opinion, Blockbuster is evil. If you support evil then you are also evil. So, bankruptcy protection is evil. And how will the mighty Kristen Stewart defeat this!!!!!!!! Well, simply enough she will use her hypnotic gaze to convince all to get subscriptions for Netflix – which everyone should have signed up for years ago. Really, her hypnotism is doing you all a favor you should have done for yourselves. And when Blockbuster closes its doors for good, it will know that they should have never messed with high school age Kay-swidge-jizzle because it will come back to bite them! NEXT!!!

3. Harry Potter

What a wussy enemy indeed! I get that he is a master magician and all, but I feel like that’s the equivalent of being a master at the abacus. It is outdated, requires no muscular ability to use and really the only people who still use it in daily life are elderly Asians in Asia. Yes, magic exists. And, yes, old Asian people are practitioners of it, but no one pays notice because who really watches what old people do. They do all sorts of weird things and no one says anything to them about it because they’re OLD!


First and foremost, I think Harry Potter would instantly be weak kneed and probably wet himself in the presence of Kristen Stewart. Or really any attractive girl. Emma Watson is hot and all, but seemingly Harry grew up with her, so he doesn’t see how smoking hot she is like in all those 80’s/90’s movies where the nerdy guy wants the hot girl in school meanwhile his best friend who is also an insanely hot chick, but none of them seem to notice until 10 minutes left in the movie (see: Trojan War. Seriously, the guy doesn’t know Jennifer Love Hewitt is great looking and standing right next to him!?!)

I believe the Evil-Harry Potter is the snake hissing and looking through his eyebrows creeper that has appeared in a couple of the flicks. Kristen would focus her come hither, hour rates motel, sweaty sex affair, wanting eyes on the pip squeak Harry Twatter (amirite?) and he would faint of sexual fantasy overload. After that Kristen could do whatever she wanted to finish the job… maybe tie him up, anal rape him, and tattoo a Finish message on his stomach – that’s pretty much The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo fatality. NEXT!!!

4. PGA Championship

What a boring enemy indeed! Ever since Tiger Woods stopped winning at golf, the game became evil. The sport that appears on TV now is evil, which is what the game was before Tiger Woods starting beating its ass. Yes, golf is evil. It literally has the power to literally bore you to a literal death. That is evil. But the good thing is that no one gave a fuck about golf when Tiger Woods was not involved in it – despite what many people will try to make you believe. All that bullshit about Nicklaus and Palmer – PFFFFFFTTTT! Yes, all capitals pfffttt-ing. They used to only show the final day of The Masters and I’m not even sure they showed the whole day of it. What kind of rivalry could it have been if no one was watching it? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to watch two old white men on TV play a boring ass game then who cares, right?

If Kristen Stewart had to defeat evil-golf then she would just need to keep Tiger Woods away from ever winning a golf event ever again. Whatever sliver of attention the human race allows for golf, it will wilt and die on its own. I’m not going to tell Kristen Stewart exactly how to keep Tiger from winning, but I have ideas. Ideas involving her … wearing … NEXT!!!

5. Sukkot

What a sacrilegious enemy indeed! Evil sukkot!?! Never! Well, Sukkot is the Jewish holiday celebrating camping. You build a “sukkah” which is more or less a hut and then you force your family to stay in it until Sukkot is over. You know what they say – what happens in the sukkah, stays in the sukkah. Which is exactly why you destroy the sukkah after Sukkot is over, so you don’t have to be physically reminded of the devious sexual experiences you engaged in in your fragile religious hut.

Actually, Sukkot is a wonderful little holiday where you get to reconnect with your ancient ancestors by living for a bit how they lived… in a half-assed hut on the front lawn of your big suburban home. Also, you get to see exactly what “wild life” like raccoons and possums do to your garbage late at night while you are usually asleep in your comfortable bed safe in your home that has air conditioning and sheets and no crickets or ants or mud. Anyway, what I’m saying is, Sukkot has already been defeated by the invention of the HOUSE and the holiday is not “evil”, but more so a reminder of our victory over unstable shelter.

Kristen you don’t need to get your hands dirty on this one. Just point any people towards a hotel or the real estate section of a newspaper or Craig’s list. NEXT!!!

6. Thomas J. Dart

What an enemy that I have no idea who he is! I assume, and I believe correctly, that Thomas J. Dart is in fact the Thomas J. Dart the inventor of THE DART! I guess there was a time when darts had a purpose outside of entertaining drunk people at a bar, but maybe not. Maybe people tied darts with a string. Maybe they threw the dart into something where it would stick with a collection of barbs. Then they would yank back on the string to retrieve said object… or the dart would come back flying into their face and most likely into their eye half blinding them. Nowadays, we just allow people who are good and intoxicated and who may have no coordination or precision with edged weapons to throw these darts in public spaces guessing they will not maim any patrons.

Ahhh, Thomas J. Dart is some dude who may or may not run to be mayor of Chicago. Ohhhhh, who gives a fuck? Chicago doesn’t need Thomas J. Dart for mayor. They need Judge Dredd! Have you seen the crime statistics in Chicago? Someone is getting shot every other second of every day in that city. Whatever second you are recognizing that next second is the one where someone gets shot. Not now, but NOW! BLAM! Someone was shot in Chicago again. And I don’t think Thomas J. Dart and every dart that he ever manufactured with his own hands can stop that violence.

I doubt Kristen Stewart needs to do much to stop this guy considering he doesn’t even know if he is running to be mayor or not. It’s a simple decision dude. Either get involved in an expensive political election where your life and all your past decisions will be torn apart, all so you can be put in charge of a major city that is falling apart at its seams from rampant gun violence. Yeah, I’m pretty sure mayoral campaign or the loose roaming bullets may take care of this guy well before Kristen Stewart needs to pull some X-Men shit on his evil dart throwing ass. NEXT!!!

7. Inflation

What an existential enemy indeed! Inflation? I guess Kristen Stewart could begin conducting all of her business using a barter system instead of currency. Is there inflation in bartering? Inflation seems to be a naturally occurring percentage that relates to scarcity of natural resources, growth in population, demand, and really a whole lot of intangible ideas that Kristen Stewart cannot necessarily blast with an optic beam of want from her soft ever changing technicolor dream coat color eyes. Oh how I get lost in those eyes. Those eyes that some say are blue, but are brown in Twilight because of contacts. If the world would just take Ambien and stare into those beautiful eyes until everyone got nice and high and then took a nap together dreaming of those whimsical eyes we would defeat inflation.


Actually, we wouldn’t. Inflation would still happen with all of those napping in one giant bed together. Also, probably some groping. NEXT!!!

8. Patient’s Bill of Rights

What a completely wonderful friend! Yes, the “Bill of Rights” is your friend and so is your “Patient’s Bill of Rights”. I really don’t know who this would be evil unless you put the word “NOT” at the end of each right. Have their medical decisions made by a doctor… NOT! I guess that would make them evil. Or if they added the phrase “evil” to each right like “go to the closest ‘evil’ emergency room”. I think Kristen could do a nationwide personal service announcement stating that each individual has the choice to either have the “Patient’s Bill of Rights” or the “Patient’s Bill of ‘evil’ Rights”. I picture her in a Sonic Youth t-shirt, a cutoff jean skirt and heels while smoking cigarettes and playing with her hair. “It’s your choice – ‘Bill of Rights’ or the ‘Bill of ‘evil’ Rights’. Make the right one or whatever.” NEXT!!!

9. Health Insurance

What a Tea Party idea enemy! If you had not noticed, but there are people out there already that believe health insurance is evil. Or at least the health insurance where everyone has it is evil. Or something. I’m not sure either. But what I do know is that it’s being taken care of. If you believe the old system of health insurance was evil then Nancy Pelosi and her vagina of justice defeated it. And if you believe the vagina justice health insurance we are starting today is evil then there are people who are out there trying to overturn it. I don’t think Kristen Stewart needs to get her hands dirty with this one. Her hands do not need to be involved in this mess. Kristen Stewart’s hands are like a rare swan. A rare swan that has morphed into hands that have attached themselves to a young woman’s wrists and can be articulated by a complex system of nerves that are connected to her brain. Just two lovely hands that are actually a swan. Just think about it. NEXT!!!

10. Kim Kardashian

YES! I love Kim Kardashian and she is no one’s enemy. She is a friend to all human and animal kind. Just look at this…


She is wonderful. Kristen Stewart and Kim Kardashian hopefully one day will become more than friends and hold hands and go bikini shopping together. In my heart of hearts of all my hearts, I don’t believe Kim Kardashian could become evil. No one with such a large perfect ass could become evil. It’s scientifically proven. Butts are not evil. That’s a fact. And she has a huge glorious butt that should be sketched in every junior college introductory art class all over the world. Kim’s butt is attached to the rest of Kim and no matter how evil the rest of her could get the butt will always hold more power and sway over her entire being. And let’s be honest, boobs can be used for evil, but in general are not evil – especially natural boobs. Kim has big boobs that are fairly in proportion to her grand butt. Also, she is pretty. Being pretty is debatable about potential for evil, but the BUTT. As mentioned, she just simply can’t be evil because of the butt then the boobs and her face and she and her sisters help men win championships in sports and she has this exotic spirit that could be European or Middle Eastern or melting pot American… ok, I’m rambling.

Let’s say Kim turns evil. I’m fairly certain the only way to defeat her is for Kristen Stewart to oil wrestle her for $44.95 on pay-per-view or they could pillow fight each other until they giggle themselves exhausted… also on pay-per-view. For HD it is $49.95 and believe me the extra $5 will be worth it.

Also, this idea could be done whether or not Kim turns evil. Just make it happen now! Focus on making On the Road great then Kristen Stewart and Kim Kardashian can grapple for the hearts and minds of the people of Earth.

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