Hmmmm… I was wondering why I didn’t see any responses. I forgot to click “publish” an hour ago. Interesting.

I’m a little disappointed. There was no ass, let alone black ass, on television last night. Or there could have been, but I didn’t see it. I watched Monday Night Football and can you believe there was not one play where a guy got his pants ripped off? I would like to point out that the term “depantsing” was the term of choice that I saw people using and even I got caught up in that whirlwind of verbage. But “depantsing” is somewhat a redundant phrase. The act of “pantsing” someone is not putting pants on them. “Pantsing” someone is pulling their pants down. So to “pants” or to “depants” are the same actions. What is the term to put someone’s pants on for them? “Helpful”?

There was a great football game last night between the Tennessee Titans and the Houston Texans. One great aspect to sports is the “nickname”. Thinking up a nickname that truly fits a certain person is an art form. Everyone in your everyday life does not deserve a great nickname, but all professional football players deserve a nickname because they are all crazy. Also, if you use a nickname for a player it sounds like you know more about them than maybe you do. The one nickname I have been focusing on a lot recently is “The Sheriff” for Peyton Manning.

Former Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach and current Monday Night Football color commentator, Jon Gruden, has been pushing the nickname “The Sheriff” for Peyton Manning. I love it. He mentions it a lot regardless of whether Peyton is playing in the game that he is commentating on. The one problem is that Jon’s explanation of “The Sheriff” is a bad one. He believes Peyton Manning is “The Sheriff” because “he always gets his man”. No homo, right? I don’t care for that explanation because well it sounds stupid. My interpretation:

Peyton Manning is “The Sheriff” because he is the law.

I like that much better. Peyton Manning is the law out on the field when he is playing. He is calling the plays, the audibles, pointing out coverages, confusing the defense, telling people to shift et cetera. Peyton Manning is that offense when he plays. The Colts’ greatness lives and dies by Peyton’s arm. Much like Judge Dredd, Peyton Manning is the law.

Just some food for thought. And if you know Jon Gruden please tell him. If you know Peyton Manning, I NEED TO SPEAK TO HIM! I have a television show idea for Peyton that he would be absolutely perfect for. But I digress…

New Moon? To say that I didn’t understand much of the logic behind New Moon would be a big understatement. A “big understatement” like “I think that Kristen Stewart chick wants it” or “I think a couple girls in the theater wanted New Moon to turn into graphic porn when Bella hugged the shirtless Jacob” or “I think KSWI Jordan likes that song ‘Dead Man’s Party’ by Oingo Boingo.” Like it!?! I fucking love it. I listen to it all the time. It is Danny Elfman in an 80’s new wave band and it’s in a pivotal scene of Back to School. So yes, I love that song. And Kristen Stewart wants IT so bad my brain’s ability to perceive colors is damaged when I look at her. All I see is a halo of light that screams want which was distracting while watching the movie. What did that blur of all colors say? I’m partially deaf because that “thing” just wants it so bad all I can hear is my brain vibrating.

The following are a list of themes, subplots or individual scenes that I found particularly troubling while watching Twilight: New Moon.

Domestic Violence

I was expecting New Moon to be light-hearted and funny. And nothing is more light-hearted and funny than a reoccurring subplot about domestic violence. Oh don’t we all get a big chuckle out of domestic violence. You know what is even funnier than good ole’ domestic violence is when the chick is cool with it. HAHAHAH… funny stuff, right? Wasn’t that flat out hysterical when we found out that the head werewolf, Sam, attacked his lady and she completely forgave him. That is a great message to teach the teen girls in the audience. A new generation of young women thinking it is not only A-OK to date a werewolf if the option presented itself, but when he attacks you it is your job to just get over it. Oh wait, there are no werewolves, so the closest thing would just be some steroided jock in high school who will attack you instead.

I was also amazed that the question of whether or not Jacob would attack Bella was not a question at all. Jacob will attack Bella at some point. It isn’t “if”, it is purely “when”. So, yeah. If Bella is cool with getting her face clawed half off like Sam’s chick then all will be fine and we can begin planning the wedding. But if Bella wants to be an uppity-bitch about a 600 pound werewolf using her as a punching bag then maybe they shouldn’t rub foreheads together anymore.

Sidenote: The one werewolf who does almost attack Bella before Jacob literally jumps in, that guy’s apology was not sufficient. That’s an understatement. Hey dude, what the mother eff!?! Did you just turn into a werewolf and try to attack a girl? First off, hitting chicks is not cool. Second off, hitting chicks when you transform into an 8 foot tall mythical beast with unimaginable power is really not cool. But what should I expect? Their leader is beating his wife and they are all expecting to attack whatever lucky lady they decide to rope into this morbid fantasy world. Seriously Twilight? Chicks getting beat up?

Bella Always Has To Be Protected

Half of this movie was people and/or Bella herself talking about how she needs to be protected. From what? By who? If Bella really needs to be protected from vampires then she shouldn’t get a vampire to protect her. She should stop hanging out with vampires altogether. I am good friends with some ladies in this world. Our friendship is not built around my ability to protect them from vampires. If it is then I was not aware of that. Back to the issue, the reason why our friendship is not based around me protecting them from vampires is because they do not hang out with vampires who have vampire enemies that feel the need to kill the first vampires’ human friends. You might be saying “but vampires don’t exist” or do they?

Either way, Anna Kendrick’s character who might as well not be in the movie as well as 90% of the people in the movie because no one bothers to write a decent side character in this movie… She is not being attacked by vampires. Reason being she is not hanging out with vampires. So when Edward leaves to protect Bella that makes perfect fucking sense. Bella finding Edward to be protected by him again makes no fucking sense. Plus he sucks at fighting. He got pwned by that Felix guy. Edward better hope that whatever vampire does attack Bella sucks at fighting because currently Edward sucks at fighting. And Dakota Fanning beat him up too. I’m not saying he should’ve beat her up because I’m anti-guys hitting girls (unlike some werewolves I know), but he shouldn’t get beat up by a 15 year old.

And as far as Jacob goes, I’m not sure who he is protecting her from because he needs to worry more about how he is going to one day tear her face off with his damn claws.

Any danger Bella is in is 100% caused by herself getting involved with either one of these idiots. And she is an idiot for getting involved with them. I guarantee none of the other kids in their high school have any of the problems that Bella has because they are not fraternizing with MONSTERS! Monsters that are both widely known to attack HUMAN BEINGS!

There is also mention of Bella protecting Edward at points. Who mentions this? Bella does of course. This chick is out of her fucking mind! Who are you protecting him from? Not a vampire. Not a werewolf. Not any girl over 5’5” most likely.

Charlie aka Bella’s Father

I have a lot of problems with how the character of Charlie is treated in this movie. I don’t know Charlie all that well and that is why first and foremost I am going to refer to him as MR. SWAN! Who the fuck are these kids that they are calling him Charlie all the time? Is it my imagination or do you not call your friends’ parents by their first names? I don’t walk around my friend’s house calling his parents Bill and Erica. I give them some age respect and call them by their last name. These punks keep calling him “Charlie” all the time. When did you and “Charlie” start going on fishing trips together? He is Mr. Swan. He is also the chief of police or sheriff or whatever. Sir or Mr. Swan or Officer. Whatever. But not “Charlie”.

Oh yeah, I’m going to call him “Charlie” because I want to be like the cool kids.

Also, when did Charlie become the albatross around Bella’s neck? Everyone is guilting Bella into doing one thing or another and using Charlie as the excuse. Bella you need to stay to watch over Charlie. Charlie? You mean her father!?! Charlie is a grown man with a grown man’s job. In the details of his job he carries a gun. A GUN! He can take care of himself. If anything his life would be so much easier if his crazy daughter wasn’t around screaming all night. The man is sleeping on the couch because his 18 year old daughter has night terrors from her boyfriend inexplicably leaving! Does he know anything about her boyfriend who sparkles in sunlight, is listless, skin complexion of alabaster and looks 35? Does he know anything about why his 18 year old daughter is fixing motorcycles with the Native American kid who now is enormous with muscles or why his daughter goes backpacking through the forest by herself?

If Charlie was kept in the loop of any of Bella’s decision making maybe Charlie could help. I’m not saying Charlie has any experience dating vampires or a werewolf, but he may have some common sense reasoning that could help. I’m not sure the best person to ask advice about dating a vampire would be another vampire considering they’re perspective is a little skewed. Plus they’re a vampire that already wants to be besties with you and wants you and Ed to be together forever. And she is a chick and chicks are crazy.

At the very least, maybe Bella simply saying the stupid stuff she is planning on doing out loud to another human being who actually has concerns for her mortal safety will by nature illicit a physical facial tick or saying “Seriously!?! You’re going to Italy!?!” or “You can not fucking just live in the woods Bella!” or “This is not a cliff diving family!”, you know… just something. They paint Charlie as the “stupid dad” like in TV commercials. Oh it’s Dad’s night to watch the kids. The kids will probably electrocute themselves or die in a house fire because stupid Dad is watching them. Maybe Dad wouldn’t be so stupid if his kid said “Hey Dad, I was dating a monster that eats people and he left me and I’m now thinking about getting on the back of this rapists motorcycle for adrenaline kicks. What do you think about that?” Charlie can help, trust me.

October/November/December

This will sound nit-picky, but that one shot of Bella sitting in her room with the names of the months appearing was stupid. Completely unnecessary and it did not fit with the rest of the film. There are no words that appear in any other variety in the movie. They do not introduce characters with any words on the screen or introduce any other months or settings. They don’t write “ITALY” when she is in ITALY all of a sudden. The months’ names were distracting. Your audience is not so retarded that they wouldn’t understand that seeing three separate scenes occurring out a window is obviously supposed to signify time passing. Or settle it the other way and actually establish a time line.

The first scene is apparently August because it is the start of school or at the very latest September. Write September or August there. Follow this up with your worthless October/November/December scene and continue showing month by month. Or is the suggestion that everything after that “December” rotation is all happening in the month of December. If that is the case then that is just even more ridiculous.

Romeo & Juliet Metaphor

This movie is not Romeo & Juliet. Very subtle Chris Weitz with the book and the movie, but it is not Romeo & Juliet. The reason why Romeo and Juliet cannot be together isn’t because they simply come from “different worlds” or however people feel the need to boil it down. Romeo and Juliet actually come from strikingly similar worlds, but there is a war between their families that is stopping them. The Cullens and the Swans are not stopping this marriage between Ed and Bella. The “Swans” aka “Charlie” is more in the dark than Stevie Wonder. No one tells that guy shit. The reason why Bella can’t/shouldn’t be with Ed is because he is a FUCKING VAMPIRE! And as it turns out he has beef with other vampires and those vampires want to kill her. Also, if she does really want to be with him she needs to BECOME A VAMPIRE!

That is not Romeo & Juliet. There are plenty of other stories where there is a bad match, but they love each other anyway for whatever reason, so stop trying to bastardize Shakespeare.

High School

I never tried too hard in school, but at some point I did have to sit down and write a paper or 100. Am I the only not buying Ed and Jacob studying for an Algebra 2 test? Or give oral reports in Spanish class? Is no one doing homework ever? When does Jacob have time to study when he is running around killing vampires in the woods? Was there not a single phone call placed by the school wondering where the hell Bella was when she was in Italy and not school or was sleeping in a hole in the forest and not in gym class? Nothing? This book is an indictment of our public school system in the Pacific Northwest.

108 Year Old Guy With A 17 Year Old Girlfriend

I will talk about this subject more tomorrow, but am I the only one who finds this disturbing? I know chicks want a guy who loves them and everything, but the dude is 108 and your 17. If you are imagining yourself as Bella and then Ed comes along and proposes immortal love to you, aren’t you a little freaked the motherfuck out? You’re 17 years old!

I am 26 years old. If I told you that I fell in love and it will be for the rest of my life with a 17 year old high school junior then you would call the authorities. You would call the police immediately. You would give them all the information about my wrist tattoos, height, New Jersey et cetera. You would think I’m a creep and you would get the police involved.

Now imagine, I’m 36. Oh God! It is worse! And what if I’m 46? 56? 66? 76? THE DUDE IS FUCKING 108 YEARS OLD!!!!!! I don’t care how young he looks. Do you think it is cool if Benjamin Button at 70 years old, but looks 15 has sex with another 15 year old? Or what about Webster? He always looks 12. He shouldn’t be allowed to get down with a 12 year old.

Are we now saying that a 17 year old girl is fully mature enough to make decisions about being with a 108 year old man? A man who also is a vampire. I’m not comfortable with that decision. Also, I hope these numbers are correct. She said she was 18 in the movie and he said he was 109 I thought. Last year the original came out, so she would be 17 and he would be 108.

Also, is Jacob her age? Or is he a century old too?

Lastly…

The one scene I did enjoy was the slow motion wolf chase of Rachelle Lefevre. It was not for the reason that was mentioned in the comments section. Sure Rachelle is very cute and watching her “bounce” up and down as she slow motion ran through the forest was cool and all. The reason why it was the scene I truly enjoined was that plus Thom Yorke’s song “Hearing Damage” was in the background. Excellent song. I’m not sure how or why they got Thom Yorke to make a song for this movie, but it was great to hear. I kind of wanted that scene to go on forever.

I think Rachelle is good looking, but who is really going to notice that she is getting replaced. I barely remember her from the first movie and she is in this movie for maybe 2 minutes. 120 seconds of running in the woods is not worth keeping around for sentimental reasons. Maybe in the third movie they’ll actually have her character talk or do something especially since she is the bad guy, right?

All these pictures have been of her obviously and she wants it. Not too much though. She kind of wants it like “I can’t believe I’m in Twilight! It is amazing! I’m going to be Victoria! That is so cool! What?… What was that? It sounded like you said I’m actually only going to be in the movie for less time it took for KSWI Jordan to write this fake dialogue. Hunh? I still get paid right?” So not so much. I like the red hair though. Did she win a sweepstakes to get the role and some found out? I’m confused.

Nevertheless, the soundtrack was pretty good. It is indie, girlie, moody, but good.

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