Today is Monday, so Happy Monday. It’s hot as balls out, so I’m staying inside with the central air on. I went outside, on this Monday, for two minutes and I felt like I was burning alive, so I won’t make that mistake twice.

There was a lot of television and glamor on that television last night. There was the EMMY AWARDS! I generally do not watch them or try to not watch any awards shows, but out of solidarity and boredom I watched the Emmys… or some of it. One thing I do like about the Emmys or any award show is Yahoo!’s wrap-up of “best dressed vs. worst dressed” photo galleries the following day. I know nothing about fashion, but at the same time I feel like these people know nothing about fashion, so we’re on an even playing field. It really comes down to “who looked good” and I am a judging man with time on his hands, and I’m also a judging man of others’ judging, so this is all perfect.

Yahoo! went above and beyond this time and did a list of 80+ best/worst, so I’m only grabbing a 1/4th or so. The rest of the list is:

http://awards.tv.yahoo.com/photos/140-2010-emmys-red-carpet-report-card

Let’s begin…

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I’m starting with Lauren Graham because she is the only person I specifically remember thinking, “what is she wearing?” I like Lauren Graham. I like Lauren Graham as a comic actress, which can be proven by the obscene amount of Gilmore Girls episodes I watched. I blame Kevin Smith for me watching the Gilmore Girls. He used to rave about the show back when Kevin Smith was talented and back when I trusted his opinion on things. Now, if he told me to watch Community I would be leery of his advice and I already do watch and love Community. Also, I like Lauren Graham because she is good looking and we all know good looking people are better human beings, which is why we are even having these awards shows to begin with. Oh, look you are so pretty. Take this gold statue to commemorate your prettiness.

Anyway, Lauren’s face in this picture says to me, “Can you fucking believe what I’m wearing? It’s crazy, right? What the hell is this? It’s almost like they dressed me in this blind folded and then finally took the blind fold off right as I was walking onto the red carpet. Can’t run and hide now.”

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Those big fucking juicy bouncy squeezable … uhhhh … somethings that are not what it is obvious what everyone is thinking. Christ, I love the country’s obsession with Christina Hendricks. Yeah, she is great on Mad Men. Yeah, she has a beautiful face and she knows how to use it or whatever cliche line. But those AHHHHHH are so amazing that our entire country is just like, “Well, we love boobs and she has the biggest ones, so she is our queen.” I’m seriously considering fist fighting her husband the instant I see him. I’ll make it proper like a duel. Slap him with a leather riding glove first. Then I’ll beat him to death and maybe, just maybe, she’ll see that I’m a superior caveman than the previous caveman she had because I just defeated him in a death fight and she’ll gladly come with me.

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Fuck! She is gorgeous. I actually was dreaming about her before I woke up, went outside and burned, got a coffee, burned some more, and then began writing for you. I won’t lie – in the dream she was digging my stuff. I really think I had a chance with her. Why the fuck did I wake up!?! For some reason we were at school together. I have so many dreams where I’m still in school. Too many. But I really can’t complain considering Sophia was in this one. I loved this dream! And you all ruined it! Damn you!

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Jane Lynch, yall. I think Yahoo gave her a B. I would’ve given her an A. I like it. I think she pulls off this dress well. She’s tall and this dress is tall. I can’t recall the last time I have ever seen Jane Lynch in a dress, so she’s looking great for her first time ever wearing a dress in my life. She also won an Emmy, which is definitely deserved. I don’t watch Glee, but I’ve seen some episodes and she does a great job. Also, politically she deserves an Emmy because she has been excellent in so many other projects that she should get an award for consistently stealing scenes in everything she is in.

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Yahoo did not like this dress. Anna looks like Cleopatra in this dress. Or she looks like Anna Pacquin playing Cleopatra in this dress. She looks serious too. Serious like Cleopatra. I’m not anti this dress because I get it. I have heard “Pre-Christ Egyptian Royalty” is the new “in” fashion trend for 2011, so Anna is just ahead of the curve. Also, I sat through all this “17 minutes until True Blood” on the Emmys, but never got to see them. I guess they were on while Mad Men was on and I wasn’t missing Mad Men to find out which reality show I don’t watch was going to win best reality show.

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Sarah Hyland from Modern Family. She looks amazing. This Sarah chick is hot. I know she plays a jail bait high schooler on Modern Family, but she is 20 years old in real life, so stop dialing the cops because I think she is hot. Now, if I posted a picture of Ariel Winter – her 12 year old co-star – then sure call the cops. But I thought ahead and didn’t post a picture of her even though I think you should look through the Yahoo series to see her in her dress because she looks completely different than she does on the TV show. Besides me tip toeing around so called “indecency” – I’m glad Modern Family won all the awards it did. They certainly deserve it. I was even more excited to see Aaron Paul and Bryan Cranston win for Breaking Bad, which is arguably the best television show on television.

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I love Heidi Klum. She always looks great. And I don’t watch her show and I think I’ve talked about her on this site a bunch of times, so just soak in her glow.

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I also love Kim Kardashian. I have never watched her show, nor do I ever want to. Nevertheless, I think she is beautiful and I’m glad she is always sunbathing in bikinis near photographers because it provides an untold amount of happiness for the rest of the world. I also would like to say that Yahoo gave her a B I think and clearly this is an A. At the same time, she could have shown up in jean shorts and a tuxedo t-shirt and I would give her an A.

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Elisabeth Moss looking great. Also single. When I first saw this picture I thought that all of that open space to her left would normally be filled by creepy Fred Armisen and now she looks a 1000x better without that as her living accessory. Did anyone watch Mad Men? She got naked on the show. Yeah. The show isn’t on Cinemax, so we don’t get to see her naked as viewers, but it was cool nonetheless. She gets naked to prove a point. I fucking wish this was how random hot women in my life proved points. Oh, you think I’m wrong? I’m going to get naked in front of you. YES! Always do this! Always do this to prove that you’re right.

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I’m a big fan of Alan Cumming. I’ve talked about that before I think or at least I wanted to mention that some other time earlier in this life. Take for granted I am a fan. Yahoo gave Alan a D. That’s ridiculous. What is the point for fashion? To look good, right? One way of calculating looking good is getting laid. It’s not the only way, but it is one way. If what you’re wearing doesn’t prevent you and sometimes helps you get laid then it is good fashion. And I would bet all the money left on my unemployment allotment that Alan Cumming got laid … several times … that night. I would also bet he made out with a straight woman, a straight woman who is hot and famous that night. Really, none of that is because of what he wore, but what he wore did not stop any of that occurring. Also, chicks love making out with gay guys.

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BOOM! A+! I forget what Yahoo gave this chick from True Blood, but it wasn’t an A+. I forget her name… wait a second… IMDB search… Rutina Wesley. She looks amazing. She looks like a GD-ing superhero! She’s some sexy ass superhero who could punch a hole through a concrete wall and levitate and shoot fire balls from her well oiled calves. I have seen a few episodes of True Blood. I’m really not into the show even though I would like to be. It’s just too cheesy for me. Nevertheless, this chick is hot. Actually, all the chicks on that show are hot. There are some good looking men on the show too and I know that women love Eric. I get that. I get why they like Eric. I’m not blind. I get it. I really don’t get the Bill thing though. I get that Bill is the main love interest and all, but he looks like he has down syndrome half the time. And that sounds insensitive, but I’m just surprised that many women have a fetish towards the looks of a man who have down syndrome. There are plenty of men with down syndrome who would be more than willing to recite lines from True Blood as poorly as Bill does. Oh man, he is the worst actor on that show. To me he sounds like a man who is fighting back the urge to have violent diarrhea at all times. Like he understands the conversation he is in is important and he needs to have it, but soon as the dialogue stops he will sprint to a bathroom and demolish it with his wretchedness.

So, back to Rutina for a second. HOT. She has this really sexy sinewy body that looks like it should be perpetually rubbed down with glistening oils. And at the same time, she has this adorable naive face. I want to see her sonic boom Bill’s fucking head off.

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The Hammster! And his hot wife. Damn it! I forgot her name. I think I’ve mentioned her as well before. Hot blonde wife who made a movie where she is a lesbian making out with a hot brunette throughout most of the movie. Best wife ever. Jon Hamm and Hugh Jackman must be related. They both play all balls men on screen and then off screen they are twinkle toes fairies. Why is that? I have no idea. Actually, my theory is they use so much of their testosterone to play these manly roles on screen that off screen all they have left is estrogen seeping into those gaps the testosterone is supposed to fill.

Also, Don Draper wears lifts. Did anyone watch Mad Men? Besides Elisabeth Moss getting nekkid, there were a couple scenes in a row where Don Draper was Manute Bol (RIP) tall. He towered like Gandalf over the hobbits in the show. It is quite the accusation to say that The Hammster is wearing lifts in his shoes to be Don Draper, but it is more of an accusation to imagine that the people at Mad Men strategically dig holes for the other characters to stand in when talking to Don Draper. Unless Jon Hamm’s wife is 6’8″ then Don Draper is wearing platforms.

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Hot. I don’t know who she is and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen her before, but right now I want to have sex with her. That’s how a man’s brain works. It’s that simple. This unknown female’s dress reminds me of the high plains and days of cowboys. I just looked her up. She’s from Glee, so she can sing too. She’s also from Georgia, so this blonde southern belle look is even more appropriate. Also, I’m not The Situation and I won’t just get vodka and parliament ultra light cigarette drunk and dry hump her until she calls the cops or comes back to my shore house with me (although I do secretly wish that was life). I would be a gentleman and take her out to a mid-range eatery. Maybe a nice seafood dinner, maybe a stroll through the streets of New York City, maybe a play, and then maybe the drunk dry humping. You know – classy.

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I fucking hate Kyra Sedgwick…’s show The Closer. Fuck it. I’ll never meet Kyra Sedgwick. I hate her. I hate her because she is the main character of a fucking terrible show and she is terrible as that main character and she wins awards and when she wins those awards she gives shit speeches that end with her calling Kevin Bacon “Kev” and quoting him as saying “let’s all be good to each other” as if he is the fucking Dali Lama. Fuck I hate The Closer. And if you’re sitting there thinking to yourself, “well Jordan and I could never get along and I should stop reading his blog because I like The Closer.” First of all, The Closer fucking sucks. Second of all, my parents watch The Closer and we still get along. I still call them and so forth. I mean every second of that show they watch I lose more respect for them, but I’ve told them that and they don’t seem to care because that is what The Closer has done to their brains. Also, they gave Kyra an A with this dress. Fuck that. Fuck that again. It looks like corduroy or shag carpet. Fuck I hate that show.

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A+. A+ for both of them. A+ for them separately as well. Probably the funniest couple out there or at the very least at that awards show. They should be given an award for being crazy funny and not getting an award for it. Will Arnet should have gotten that award for guest star on a comedy show that NPH, Neal Patrick Harris, got. Will has appeared on 30 Rock a bazillion times more than NPH did on Glee. I should mention Amy Poehler as well. She looks great and her show is too funny. Parks and Recreations is criminally underrated. I would say their last season was funnier and better than The Office. And I’m pretty sure, Parks got pushed to mid-season replacement. Life is just not fair.

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I love January Jones. I love her name and I love how beautiful her human body looks. Yahoo did not like this dress and I would like to agree with them if it weren’t for the fact that January Jones could look hot wearing anything. So fuck you Yahoo. She looks powerful. I feel like her vibrant blue dress may or may not be made of an alien substance like the Venom symbiote from the Spider Man comics. January Jones sounds like a superhero’s name, so she may have superhuman powers. I think we all know that the only way to settle this is if January Jones and Rutina from True Blood wrestle in a kiddy pool full of whip cream. I think that is the only sensible way to solve this.

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Ty Burrell and his lucky ass wife. Yahoo did not like either of these people’s outfits and, again, fuck you Yahoo. Ty Burrell is more talented than all of the people at Yahoo cut and sewn together into a Frankenstein’s monster of not as talentedness. And his wife (Holly?), is a good woman who recognized a good man when she saw one.

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Hot. I know she is the main chick from Glee. She looks amazing nowadays. She definitely started working out like a fiend once she started seeing herself on TV because now she looks like a fitness model. I thought she was sexy before, but now she’s got a Baywatch body. If we want to cure this obesity problem in America then just give fat people TV shows. All of them. Not reality shows, but shows with narrative and storylines and scripts. They’ll lose the weight quick. This girl didn’t need to lose weight, but after being on TV for a few weeks she clearly started getting into marathon running shape. Congratulations to her for getting into amazing shape, although she didn’t need to in my opinion.

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Jesus! She’s not Jesus. I meant “Jesus” like “Fuck”, which is weird those exclamations are synonymous in my mind. Again, no idea who she is, but I want to do things to her that are not allowed to be shown on Two and a Half Men, but are liberally referenced in double entendre. This mysterious prettiness I would imagine could walk on water. Maybe not in that dress though. I would guess the dress weighs more than she does, so when nude I would bet she just kind of hovers above the ground including water. I have a feeling she doesn’t communicate in an audible language. She more or less communicates with an ancient form of telepathy that was how we all communicated prior to learning to speak. Her tiny bones and muscles are too weak to inhale and exhale and move in succession to form the sounds necessary that we perceive as talking. It is more in her eyes and subtle smiles. Also, you do not touch her; she touches you.

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KILLER! I love these two. I have never seen a picture of Neal Patrick Harris and his Ken doll fuck doll boy friend that I wasn’t a fan of. The two of them look perfect together. Was it a huge surprise to find out that Neal Patrick Harris and/or Doogie Howser was gay? No. Not that big of a deal. Was it a huge surprise that Neal Patrick Harris and/or Doogie Howser would be Abercrombie & Fitch gay? Yes. This pose is like “Boom! We do it.” They look like gay comic book heroes. They are a living “Ambiguously Gay Duo” except it ain’t “Ambiguous”. It’s a brash gayness I can root for. People nowadays want to have that balls confidence in a suit the way the characters on Mad Men do, but no one really pulls it off in real life. These two do and they do it together and they do each other. It is like they are harnessing their superiority in suits in their gay coupleness. Like the Green Lantern. He had a power ring. But there were other power rings out there. And Green Lantern eventually got all the power rings and in doing so it multiplied his powers into being a God. So, that’s what genius doctor boy Doogie Howser has become in his open gay lifestyle wearing suits with this other guy who may or may not have been genetically engineered in a lab as NPH’s perfect Robin companion.

And I’m spent.

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