First, let me tell you all about a little diddy that has been stuck in my head for the better part of this week. And by better part of this week, I mean this week has been better because this has been stuck in my motherfucking head.

So, just let that roll around in your brain for a bit. It will. Believe me. This is Reggie Watts – he was on Conan earlier this week and he was excellent and then I spent the rest of the night listening to everything he is involved in.

Well… there was a good deal of comments yesterday, which was fun to see because we all know my self-esteem is tied to how many comments I get each and every day… but bb-b–b-bb-bb-bbb-b-b-bbut–bb–but I did not notice any questions, which is does not help for today’s post.

Thankfully, as I turned to Yahoo this morning to give me my first dose of the billion doses of “news” I receive from them throughout the day, I noticed a familiar name trending on their top 10 of trending things.

KRISTEN ….. STEWART!…. *echo*…. *echo*… *echo*…

It appears the rest of the world is now in the privileged position to see the bikini pictures of the K-Stew and the shirtless Robert pictures. That was what most of the links were attached to her name when you clicked on her name. But one link stuck out and I decided to investigate. And, that is what today’s post is about.

Showbiz Spy! Show me your POWER!!!!!!!!!

KRISTEN STEWART FEARS ROBERT PATTINSON WILL DUMP HER ASS AFTER TWILIGHT


Well played, Showbiz Spy. But what about the rest of her? Will he dump her “face” after Twilight? Is it just his current informal engagement to her ass that he will be severing ties with? TELL ME! Tell me, you bastards!

I read this article. And I had thoughts. I will continue to post such thoughts in this textual format. I will post the article in the BOLD fontastism.

BEGIN!

KRISTEN Stewart is worried Robert Pattinson will kick her to the curb when they finish filming the Twilight movies — according to a new report.

First, Robert Pattinson will not “kick her to the curb”. Robert Pattinson is British. They don’t kick things to the curb. They are not that confrontational. More likely to happen is he will be a lot more passive aggressive towards her, stop hanging around so much, play very aloof, and then she will read in People Magazine he knocked up some other actress. That is more likely to happen. That’s what the Brits do. They drink tea, they play cricket, they talk like cartoon characters and they don’t forcefully do anything.

Kristen, 20, has reportedly told the hunky Brit she fears for the future of their relationship after a series of jealous rows.

They use this term “row” a lot in this article, which I have never heard of. This is either some local idiom used by English to make this article more home brewed for those crazy UKers, or the author of this article has lived in a cave since the 1940’s. Who the fuck says “jealous rows”? No one, that’s who.

Also, to the ladies out there – guys don’t like hearing this type of stuff. You fear for the future of our relationship? It sounds fatalistic, dramatic and oddly enough science-fictiony. If someone started a sentence, “I fear for the future of” I would immediately fill in the following blank to be “the human race” and/or “Earth”. That is what we fear the “future” of. The planet and the inevitably of a global disaster and/or alien invasion. But “our relationship”? Chick, please. We just went to Applebees and shared a dessert. This relationship is on auto-pilot it’s doing so well.

“When they were apart this summer, it was extremely hard on them both,” a source told the UK’s Now magazine.

Are we saying there hasn’t been a single hacker out there able to break into one of these two’s smartphones and unleash unto the world the plethora of sexting that had to be going on. Come on! They had to have sex via skype at least 8 times during that summer. Some one should have already gotten to this.

“Rob was in LA working with Reese Witherspoon on Water For Elephants and if he went out for an evening and didn’t answer his phone, Kristen would be in tears, convinced he was with Reese.

Normally, I would say “that bitch be crazy”, but it was Reese Witherspoon. She does have a track record. And let’s also be honest for a minute, Reese is 34 and Rob is 24 – that isn’t much of a gap. Reese is still bringing it. She’s a good looking woman. I bet Reese would tease Rob about how young he is. So many jabs about how he’s just a kid, but really each time she mentions how kid like he is it dawns on her even more that he is a man. And that man is right there for the taking! He’s got a girlfriend? That’s right Reese, a 20 year old girlfriend. Twenty?! Girl indeed. More like a “childfriend”, am I right Reese? You are a woman. A WOMAN! Rob needs a “womanfriend”. A womanfriend who can guide him through life and help him understand the ways of the world and also having tawdry sex with him in the bathroom of a PF Changs.

WHAT?!

So, I get that Kristen needs to watch out for Reese Witherspoon. Ryan Phillipe, Jake Gyllenhall, Owen Wilson… like Robert Pattinson’s name couldn’t easily be right there beside theirs. All fucking eskimo brothers and shit!

“Then she was in Montreal filming On The Road with Rob’s best friend Tom Sturridge and Rob was getting really moody when he was hearing what fun they were having.

Yeah, that’s right Robert. Robbie. Rob. R. b. Your “best friend”. Is he really your best friend? Or is he an even skinnier and boyish and moody British accent haver who can listen to indie rock music with Kristen. You know the type of man she likes. And Tom kind of fits the bill. You can just imagine him making some shitty joke that you make. Calling some innocuous object by a British nickname that no one under the age of 80 calls it that, but Kristen doesn’t know that. The two of you laugh and you pretend like she’s making fun of your accent, but she swears she wasn’t, but she was. Then for an apology you two swap spit while you wrestle her hand into your trousers for a rub and tug.

Same old story, Rob. And you know that Tom is just the spineless weasel who would do it to. He’s from London after all and his middle name is Sidney. You cannot trust one of those items, let alone both!

“He wound himself up so badly he even flew unannounced to the film set to see what was going on.

I’m not saying I really give a fuck, but I would pay $20 to see Robert Pattinson in a jealous rage punch Tom Sturridge in the face right in front of Kristen. Then grab Kristen and kiss her way too graphically in front of everyone like he was reclaiming her with his tongue. And then of course, angry sex in her trailer. And by “trailer” I wasn’t referring to anal.

“They had so many rows but the problem is they’re so madly into each other that the relationship is very intense and fiery.

Yeah, there is that “rows” again. NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT!

“Now they’re together in Louisiana and Brazil on Breaking Dawn, they’re very loved-up and were spotted getting very cozy in between filming.

These have to be the dumbest fucking books ever. Brazil and Louisiana? What!?!


“So after a lot of heart-to-heart chats, they’ve put a plan together to prevent the rows when they’re apart.

Only oral sex with co-stars.

“Kristen’s even suggested they could get married to show how committed they are.

NOOOOO!!!!! Jeez, you’re 20 and he’s 24. I don’t have anything bad to really say about marriage minus it is a curse that dooms many happy relationships. Well, that sounds bad. Have you ever watched a football game and the announcer is verbally blowing how great a quarterback is doing this year and saying how this quarterback hasn’t made any mistakes and hasn’t thrown any interceptions at all? You can guarantee that within the next 5 minutes that quarterback will throw an interception. That is how life fucking works. That is what God loves to do. That’s why baseball players do not talk to their pitcher when he is in the middle of throwing a no-hitter and/or perfect game.

Getting married just to get married is simply the deathblow to whatever you have together. Get married when either life forces you too or because you crazily want to spend your life with that one person. Not just to prove something.

“Rob says they’re too young but he doesn’t want to lose her.”

You are too young. Wait until she can at least drink at the wedding Rob.

Recent reports claimed Kristen, 20, has laid down some rules for their relationship and Rob, 24, is more than happy to follow them!!

That oral sex thing I mentioned before.

“Kristen has set ideas about what will make their relationship work,” a source said.

“To avoid putting pressure on the relationship, she has suggested they don’t talk about anything intimate details. She’s also asked Rob not to mention any of her quirky habits.

What? “anything intimate details” is not correct in any language. And I bet Kristen’s got some “quirky habits”.

“He’s so in love with Kristen he’s accepted her quirkiness. Kristen’s told her family that Rob is being supportive and keeping her relaxed.”

Seriously, how the fuck could he dump this?

Yeah, this is my chick. She wants IT.

As long as Kristen Stewart continues to want IT that much all the time unto infinity (which of course she will always will) then there is no threat of losing him or whoever. You become addicted to the WANT.

Have a great weekend.

I haven’t mentioned how much I loved watching the Steelers beat the Vikings, but I did. I’m actually still trying to digest it it was that wonderful. Like a perfectly grilled reuben sandwich. Steelers have a “bye week” this weekend, so I guess I won’t watch… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?! I watch all the games! Regardless of who is playing! Last year, I listened to more Buffalo Bills games on the radio than I think anyone ever including the guys calling the games. On the motherflipping radio! And the Bills suck! Seriously… I wish a football game was going on right now I could watch.

Today is supposed to be very busy at work. The actual work. The one that pays me in paper money and not compliments or hypothetical spy operations where I am “banged” and “found”, but not in that order.

So I will try to update if/when I have time.

Bend and Snap

Do guys really like the “bend and snap” move from Legally Blonde? First, I have never seen Legally Blonde. Oh shut the fuck up with your “OMG!”s or “WTF”s or “DHRSHNSLBTIJRETHIASGWHNRRTSTMA”s (Did he really say he never saw Legally Blonde, that is just ridiculous even though he is a straight guy who has no real reason to see that movie anyway)! How many times have you all seen Ravenous? HUNH!?! Tell me! I bet it’s less than 8 times. Probably less than 1 for most of you. Or how many times have you seen The Beat That My Heart Skipped? One of my favorite movies of all time! Some fans you are!

Anyway, thankfully youtube had the “bend and snap” scene and I did watch it. From what I gather, a girl (or gay man apparently, but for the purpose of this explanation I will focus on the girls even though I not-so-secretly think you want me to focus on the gay guys because it would be much crazier) bends over at the waist and then snaps back up to a posing position to get a man’s attention. Do guys like this? Let’s go step by step:

1. Bending over at the waist – if you are facing the guy then there is a chance of thee ole’ “down the shirt” shot for the guy. Guys like boobs as mentioned in many many many of these posts. So a clear view of them is good times all the time every time no matter if it is day or night time or in the nick of time or in the movie with Johnny Depp and Christopher Walked also called Nick of Time or Greenwich Mean time or The Land Before Time because when boobs are present it is always party time.

If you are facing away from the guy then he is getting a nice view of your ass. This has been mentioned a lot, but not as much as the boobs because cleavage shots seem to be more acceptable than a bent over shot, but dudes like chicks’ butts. I don’t think Homer,  Faulkner or Maya Angelou could have written any better explanation.

So as of right now, the “bend” is a big hit with guys regardless of angle.

2. Snap into position – As far as I could tell, the “position” that Reese Witherspoon believes women/gay men should “snap” into is back arched, chest out and head up. I’m pretty sure, remember I never re-read, about a minute ago I wrote guys love boobs. Is that right? Damn this faulty memory filled with Dolph Lundgren, not trivia, FACTS. Dolph Lundgren represented the USA in the modern pentathlon in the 1996 Olympics as well as made a movie called Pentathlon. So #2 gives guys another starring role in Boobs Watcher 2: Son of Boobs Watcher the Watcher of Boobs.

In essence, “bend and snap” is a two step process for girls to get a guy to stare at their bodies. Guys definitely like that. Another effective and even simpler two step process would be:

1. Stand infront of guy

2. Say these words loud and clearly – “Stare at my tits and ass”

I am a doctor and that would work.

Getting a guy’s attention is a lot less work than you would imagine. Getting a guy to be into going to the mall to shop, watching girly movies like Legally Blonde instead of epic films like Showdown in Little Tokyo, or not to love his favorite sports team more than you – well that falls under the “either date a straight guy and get over these unrealistic hang ups or start the process of convincing your gay best friend to sleep with you” life category.

Also, Kristen Stewart doesn’t need to do the “bend and snap” to get a guy’s attention. She wants it so bad that the rods and cones in our eyes begin to shake uncontrollably causing us to only see black in all directions except in hers. A bright shining light of vivid colors and a backdrop of gold illuminates a path to her where we are all drawn to walk along. Arriving at her feet we see a vertical halo appear around in each eye  focusing our gaze until a sudden flash blinds us. That last image seered into our memories. And when one questions what do we remember of the world when we had sight? We will take pen to paper and draw them Kristen Stewart’s visage in that glowing silhouette in perfect detail. They wil cry. We will cry. And we will be one under one banner. Crying.

E Pluribus Kristenus Stewartum.

SHE WANTS IT!

Did I answer your question?

I think I should be on Oprah or Ellen. Seriously, I’m a 26 year old straight guy writing comedy seemingly for women. Can’t one of you bring this up in the “women’s of the world” meeting you all have once a month via conference call. I think you all have covered the “overtime in any sport is not a good thing, but something that the guy should be punished for” clause. I think you all need to cover new material like “why isn’t Jordan on Oprah and/or Ellen?”

If you have other questions about guys, I’ll surely answer them.

I’m not sure how the “updates” will go, but as far as I can tell this has been well over 800 words which at one point was good enough for a full day’s post. I may update as the day goes. Like I said this is supposed to be a busy day and has been a little bit thus far. We’ll see.

—///—

Update One and Done

1. Oh yeah, it is Halloween weekend. I don’t think I’m dressing up. But if any of you are and want to send me pictures of you dressed up in your costumes or out of your costumes that would be cool. I’m just saying I think it is the least you people can do.

Don’t worry I won’t post them on the site unless you want me to. I’ll just send the pictures to your local police claiming you are stalkers or kid touchers or haiku addicts. Something clever.

2. Right now, I’m passively rooting for the Philadelphia Phillies. And by “passively”, I mean that I didn’t watch a full baseball game all year and I could honestly give a flying fuck if the entire sport of baseball was cancelled in its entirety. I do hate the Yankees though. I don’t want to see them win, but it isn’t like Yankees fans are going to get more obnoxious if they win because I already believe all of them to be wildly irrelevant.

I was a fan of baseball back in the dizzie. My fascination with baseball was extreme when I was a child. I read a book which I can’t find called Baseball Shrine or something which was all about the MLB Hall of Fame. I must’ve read it a dozen times and memorized it. I used to love baseball players and write reports in school about them. I even remember that in my Jewish Sunday school I had to write two reports. Each one was supposed to be something concerning the history of the Jews. My first report was about Sandy Koufax and the second was about Hank Greenberg. Or vice versa. Either way. I did love baseball.

Then the 1994-1995 strike happened. I may have been 11 years old, but I became a very cynical and angry 11 year old. They fucked me and they fucked America with that strike. Ken Griffey Jr, Frank Thomas and Matt Williams were having stellar years. And Frank “The Big Hurt” Thomas (who I love/d) was on his way to maybe winning the Triple Crown (not the race). I haven’t given a shit about baseball since. 

I’ve had years where I’ve definitely watched more than others. But for the most part I don’t care and I don’t watch it. Plus it is boring as hell. Going to a game is fun. It is perfect that they call it a baseball “park” because it is exactly like going to a park. You lay around, drink, get some sun, and you lose track of time and the next thing you know it has been 18 hours. Baseball is boring. Look at the players on the bench in the dugout or the pitchers in the bullpen. Those guys are all half asleep if not completely asleep. People say football is boring and those people are 100% wrong. Check out the sideline of a football game. There 800 guys and they all looked like they are wired on coffee. 

Anyway, the gayest/greatest thing in baseball is when a player in the dugout decides to sit on the steps leading out of the dugout. They tuck their legs on the stair underneath their butt and they lean on an elbow or two onto the field. It is the gayest pose ever. Imagine they panned to the dugout in the middle of the game and A-Rod was blowing Jeter with his mouth (instead of his eyes and mind which he does all game) and, at the same time, Texiera was sitting in that pose on the steps. Instantly your first reaction would be “Wow look at how gay Texiera is! Who knew he was gay? Jeez, I never would’ve guessed he was gay, but look at how he is sitting. And wow, A-Rod really looks like he knows how to give great head. Good for him or should I say Jeter. He is really going to town on Jeter’s weenjack. Christ, I hope he doesn’t hurt himself or Jeter because that is the most enthusiastic blowjob I have ever witnessed. I wish my wife was that enthusiastic because lord knows she isn’t. I mean seriously does Jeter’s dick naturally sweat peanutbutter cup ice cream? Because from the way A-Rod is using tongue, that has got to be the tastiest penis ever. I’m just brainstorming, but if his pecker tastest like peanutbutter cup ice cream then his balls must taste like…. Pretzels! Nothing would be a better combination. No wait. Chocolate covered pretzels! Yeah? I love peanutbutter and chocolate too and then mix in the salt of pretzels. Yeah it is great. What inning is this? 4th? Are you kidding me!?! We’ve been here for 5 hours! Whew, I guess I should get another beer. All this talk about Derek Jeter’s ice cream flavored penis and pretzel flavored balls is making me thirsty. Really? No. None of that was gay. It was just factual. Let’s get a beer.”

THEEEEEEE ENNNNDDDDDD

Now I should be on Oprah  and Ellen. I figure after I get on those shows and I am rich and famous I can make those other bullet points about three-ways with celebrities a reality.

3. Guys hanging out naked in showers together is not cool.

Have a nice weekend.

 

 

 

 

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