The first being…

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KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT.

The second being…

FOOTBALL IS THE GREATEST.

On this second Monday of the holier than thou year of 2011 with its wild-life dying in an Alfockalypse or something, I’m still unused to this year. Obviously, I should get used to it sooner than later considering next year is the final year of existence with the Mayan Armageddon. But I keep waking up feeling like I’m just getting over New Years Eve.

Also, Aflockalypse. I had to read that several times making sure it wasn’t Affleckalypse. Or actually I was praying it would be Affleckalypse and then there would be the greatest internet meme of 2011 already Christened and we’re only 10 days into the damn year.

I’m guessing it is the End of Days brought upon us by Ben Affleck. Either he is the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse and he will bring doom to us all through direct violence or he will being making sequels to his movies until we all kill each other in a chaotic frenzy of sharpened DVDs of Reindeer Games 2 used as shurikens.

I pray for both.

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She wants IT.

I did not watch whatever awards show these  pictures are from. I think I read they were from the People’s Choice Awards. I couldn’t imagine my choices would have been represented all that well considering I am a man who is hoping Ben Affleck will bring about the end of existence. Nevertheless, Kristen Stewart was there and so was the gold foil tank top she wore as a dress. She also received an award. Shocking, I know. Even more shocking was that is was for Twilight. I would have guessed that the “people” out there would have made up an award for being the most photographed person ever in 2010 or maybe an award for regardless of situation looking like she is about to climax in all euphoric wonder.

But no… it was for Twilight.

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Her legs want IT.

Kristen’s dress is so short I feel like I’m under it. I wish I was under it as well as everyone else who saw her that night and has seen the pictures of her that night (even Taylor Lautner). It’s like an optical illusion. I’ve heard there are places in this world where the magnetic fields there are so powerful it can confuse your eyes and you’ll believe something is moving upwards when it is actually moving downwards. And yes, I think that Kristen Stewart’s thighs may have that same magnetism. I’m not saying that refrigerator magnets would stick like concrete to the milky white area just north of her knee, but I would like to see someone prove me wrong.

I didn’t even know I was nominated for an award tonight, which makes winning this award that more surprising. I have the feeling that you all conspired to get me up on stage to get a better look under my dress and legs. I’m sure if you could have just thought of a clever way for me to stand on a chair you would have done that instead. But I am keeping this crystal dildo for whatever reason it was given to me. So without further ado, would you like to see me from behind?

And there we go.

I know it is pretty amazing that I’m showing absolutely every nanometer of my legs and not showing anything “inappropriate”. It’s a magic trick that David Blaine taught me. It’s a trick and it’s an illusion, but no cards or fun are involved.

Seriously, can Taylor Lautner just go home? Isn’t it a school night or at the very least way past his bed time? I get it. I get that he is in the movies with these two and everything, but c’mon man. The joke is over. At some point, he needs to move on and make a Hook sequel with him as Rufio and the Rob and Kristen can bang at the adults table like everyone is waiting for. No PDA in front of the children.

Is that loose change on the ground? Why does Rob look like Mr. Roper on Three’s Company? I feel like Kristen is piercing my brain telling me how her tenuous finger grip over her left knee is the only thing stopping all of history being re-written if her legs exploded open with their magnetic power.

I know Rufio died. He did die, right? He died. But it is in Never Never-Land, so who says he can’t come back to life? Stranger things have happened. Like The Cape. Did anyone see that? I started watching it and eventually stopped when I found myself punching the TV in the face.

RP – Hey man, I see we only have two awards. I’m sorry about that. But I didn’t know you were supposed to even be here. Did you get an invite? Or did you ninja sneak your way in here because you blend in to shadows in that black on black on black on black on black outfit you got there?

KS – He’s my +1. Every girl nowadays knows a gay best friend is the best fashion accessory one can have.

RP – Really? You just bring him around with you everywhere?

KS – Yep. I want IT.

RP – Ahhh get over here, Taylor. I’m want a gay boy toy sidekick.

TL – I’m finally being talked to and accepted as an equal.

RP – Stop talking.

KS – Slash becomes reality.

And with that…

I’m Kelso from That 70’s Show?

Uhhhh….

I’m popular on Twitter?

You do wha?

I married Demi Moore?

And she is?

One would think this might be the most awkward photo of the evening, but they would be wrong…

They do have an open-marriage.

She wants it.

Snowpocalypse 2.0

December 28, 2010

There is 4 feet of snow outside and the town I live in is not making an ounce of effort to clean it up. They say they are, but seriously they’re not. One man who runs a construction company did plow the street* with one of his own trucks. I like this idea that and wish I had a snow plow on my car. Vigilante snow plowing. What is more disconcerting is the house I’m in… no heat.

Yep.

No fucking heat.

Not having heat is more code word for “no hot water”, which is code word “I haven’t showered in three days”. Today will be the day though. For better or worse, I will be taking a cold shower or taking a whore’s bath with a wash cloth or boiling multiple pots of water and trekking them to the shower where I will have a prior to the industrial revolution style bath.

I love taking showers. I am longing for the water on my pale white skin. I’m longing for the lather. I’m longing for my entire body not smelling like grease. I’m longing for a long overdue talk with my shower buddy Mr. Quackles the rubber duck and Storm Shadow the GI Joe ninja who watches my back and alerts me to any trouble. You are at your most vulnerable in the shower and yes I employ a miniature ninja to provide my personal security.

Nevertheless, I am longing for water and not frozen snow water.

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Ahhhhh…. remember these.

There has never been a more strategically placed sleeve of a jacket in the history of peeping tom pictures. The first time I saw this picture I thought that someone photoshopped out Kristen Stewart’s ass for one of two reasons:

Modesty – they might be a peeping tom, but they have some decency.

The Want – The ass holds many mystical and unsolved powers in this world and it might be too much to see the wet barely covered bottom of Ms. Stewart. It is a mystery that can be better revealed when we are ready and have matured… oh wait you can see her butt in a couple of the other pictures. That’s just a jacket sleeve. The sleeve must have been animated by the power of her want because Kristen is touching it and then the sleeve just had to get a grope in and grabbed her fanny.

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And then there was this picture. I’m not sure why girls were so in love with this picture. I kept reading “he looks so happy”. Is that what you want? A picture of a dude looking so “happy”? Ask a guy like myself – get a dude a PS3 or an Xbox 360 and buy him Call of Duty: Black Ops and you’ll see a happiness that has only ever been written about in such literary classics like Homeward Bound. I mean when you think you lost your dog like 3000 miles earlier and then your dog shows up a couple weeks later — I’m pretty sure you would happy cry so hard that spinal fluid would be exiting those tear ducts.

Nevertheless, here is Rob jumping into the water. If the Twilight directors actually knew what they were doing – they would make a mockumentary about making a teen vampire movie with Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson and that would be a billion times better. Get Sophia Coppola up in that bitch. You know what I’m saying.

Werewolves? Vampires? High School? Pffffttt… that’s so 2009.

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These pictures are the best. Just a couple heads floating in freezing cold water.

Hey Rob-head, I can’t feel my toes. Or really any of my long sultry legs.

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Ugh, I can’t either, Kristen-head. I can’t feel my Robpenis-head. It has retreated inside me for warmth. Right now, I have a Robvagina with tiny Robballs as the doormat. That’s really disgusting to say or think about. I really hope there isn’t a waterproof camera hidden in my swim trunks because these would be some embarrassing picture. Also, my Rob-head looks enormous. It looks like it is an upgraded model of your Kristen-head. My Rob-head is industrial strength for mindless floating in these waters.

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What? What the fuck are we doing out here? Is this apart of the movie? It is so hard to tell if they are fucking with us or not. There is a different director everyday it seems. Who the hell is the director of this movie? Which movie is it even? Is this the 4th? The 5th? I swear I saw Garrett Hedlund from Tron: Legacy in 3D earlier and I think he is in the other movie I’m making, but maybe we are making that movie right now and you’re making a cameo in On The Road.

Ever since we watched Inception high, I have had no grasp of reality. This is worse than The Matrix. At least in The Matrix there are people shooting guns and guys in suits and people flying and doing kung-fu. Inception craziness can be anything. It could be driving a van in the rain or sitting at a bar with Leonardo DiCaprio. That stuff happens. Maybe I’m dreaming we’re just heads in this water. And there is not flat surface for me to spin my dreidel on to make sure or not.

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I have an idea, Kristen-head, it could be easier to just combine your movies.

Which one?

All of them. Set in the 1950s, you are a down on her luck stripper who is also a guitarist for a struggling girl rock band. You end up traveling cross-country with two beat poets in search of musical inspiration.

Sounds pretty good.

And you end up in the Pacific Northwest battling vampires.

Not so good.

It was worth a shot, Kristen-head.

Well, thank you, Rob-head. You are truly the wind beneath my wings or in this case the freezing cold water suffocating my limp corpse of a body in it.

There is something I feel like we just have to do in this water at this moment before hopefully some rescue boats arrive or the director yells cut.

Sex? I thought you said your Robpenis was inverted.

It is and I meant can we do that other thing. That other thing we do in the hotel pool almost everyday.

Oh right. You start.

Rose!

Jack!

Roooose!

Jaaackkk!

RRROOOOSSEEEE!

JAAAAACCCKKKK

RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

JJJJJAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday’s post was a bunch of words. Today’s post will be a bunch of pictures. That’s how this shit works, kiddies. The balance of power shifts one way and then the universe has to correct itself. In this way, I talked oddly exactly to the minute’s second about the Halloweenities that I experienced and to apply the Skeletor to that He-Man there will be a bunch of pictures from Yahoo’s Oh My Gosh celebrity picture gallery of them dressed in Halloween costumes from this year. I will write about each one I guess. If I’m feeling tempted enough to do so. Also, I will spoiler alert my own post in that there will be a tiny smidgen of a mention about Kristen Stewart’s dangle bf Robert Pattinson and what he wanted to do for Halloween.

Up first… SNOOKI

This is why I love Yahoo. They take all the guessing out of it. This picture of Snooki leads to more questions than answers as to what she was for Halloween. She’s green. Like really green. She has a tiara and a cape on. She has an amorphous green blob on top of a bedazzled scepter. What is she? If I was in elementary school then I would say something about “boogers”? I don’t know. Thankfully, Yahoo asked the little one and she is a “Pickle Princess”. Ahhhh! That makes so much sense with all the legends of the famed Pickle Princesses of… who knows what the fuck she is talking about? She loves pickles on the TV show and she thinks she is a princess in real life, so combine the two and she is basically the boring superhero version of herself. Fair enough. Next year! I will be! “Used to get a lot of comments” blogger man!

This has been the infamous famous picture that has circulated quite a bit over the past 24 hours. The purple and red she monster is oddly enough the adorably beautiful Heidi Klum. The weirdly silver steroided lunatic is actually my musical and spiritual hero Seal. Some people have reported Seal is a robot and/or the Silver Surfer. I guess I could see that though the Silver Surfer is most famous for his surfboard so Seal should have one and why would a robot have such big muscles. Some people have reported that Heidi Klum is a Transformer. Some people have never seen the movie or cartoon show Transformers. I think their outfit should just be called “Perfect Couple” because two wildly rich famous and attractive people decided to both get equally crazily dressed up in a completely “what the fuck” costume and seem very happy to do so.

Oh jeez. I’ll be back. I need to go violate a children’s book.

To the right is R&B singer John Legend. To the left is the pair of boobs we are all jealous he gets to play with. Yahoo is reporting that he went as Marc Antony and this model girlfriend of Legend is Cleopatra. That may be, but I also believe this model girlfriend dressed in the costume of “HOT” and John Legend dressed in the costume of “WINNER OF HALLOWEEN”.

Next time, please don’t.

Christina, lovely Christina. I have read that she has separated with her husband. I’m not sure if I have mentioned this, but my name is Jordan and so was his name. I’m not swarmly little rat looking douche like her other Jordan, but our names are 100% similar. So if she just wants to marry me and not have to get used to yelling someone else’s name around the house then I am perfectly available.

Kudos to this guy! This is the guy from Glee. You know the guy who is impossibly gay on the show Glee and plays a glee club teacher and is somehow having sex with women? Well, he dressed as Richard Simmons and it is great. Good job to that guy. Also, I don’t know why the black guy in the background dressed as a coal miner is so funny to me, but it is. I just wasn’t expecting that.

Thank you, Audrina. I have looked at a ton of celebrities in their costumes this year and have been severely disappointed with the lack of the attribute “slut” in most of these female costumes. That is what Halloween is for! … well, getting candy as a kid is what it is for for kids. But when you get older, it is an excuse for girls to dress next to naked and for guys to ogle said girls without having the cops called on them/us. A lot of these lady celebs are not getting that idea. Kim Kardashian got the memo. Meanwhile, Amanda Seyfried certainly didn’t get the memo as she dressed in a full cartoon bear or dog or something costume. AMANDA! Have you seen what you look like in any mirror ever!?! Now take any “noun” in life and then throw the word “sexy” in front of it and that is what you should have been for Halloween.

Oh and I have no idea what Audrina is.

Holly Madison got the memo. In general, I have no clue what she is. But she says she is Sleeping Beauty’s Princess Aurora. Fine. Whatever. She is showing legs and cleavage like God intended for women to do on Halloween. Thank you, Holly.

Former roommate and geriatric threesome haver, Kendra is also dressed perfectly for Halloween. She is an early 20th century gangster… if early 20th century gangsters had DD implants that were mashed together in a sports coat that is being worn as a dress. Again, she is doing the Lord’s work here.

But the best part of this picture has to be the guy over her left shoulder who seems to be taking Halloween very seriously. I’m not sure what he is, but clearly has at least 100 gym memberships.

This is that girl from the new 90210 that absolutely no one is watching and everyone is surprised is still on TV. She did not get the memo. Her costume is frighteningly accurate as the White Queen from the new Alice in Wonderland. But I don’t care about accuracy. I cannot be angry at this girl whose name I don’t really know because every other time I have seen a picture of her from the rest of the 364 days of the year she is next to naked, so she is doing her part.

Nicky Hilton continuing her role as the seemingly responsible Hilton sister was dressed as Super Girl. Meanwhile, her sister Paris Hilton not only got the slutty memo, but I think she got ALL the slutty memos. Paris Hilton is an American treasure. Did anyone else read about how she hid cocaine in her vagina? Uh-May-ZING!

Here is Janet Jackson continuing Jackson family tradition of being weirdos. It was sad to see Michael Jackson pass. It was also sad to think that the Jacksons would not be doing weird things in the media anymore. Thankfully, they know what we want and Janet has dressed up as a woman with a mustache I guess.

It appears that Anne Hathaway did not get the memo either. I’m starting to get the idea that Paris Hilton may have stolen the memo from everyone else’s mailbox. I mean I have no fucking clue what high heels, a leopard print jumpsuit and a blue bird mask is, but it does appear if this photographer was over <—– yonder then there may be a deep plunging Anne Hathaway neck line. So, I’m conflicted on this. I can only righteously judge what I can see and what I see is sort of stupid looking.

I have no clue why Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna are still invited to celebrity parties, but I am happy they are. Lisa isn’t dressed slutty, but I will say this is a brilliant couple’s costume. Can’t hate on this one.

Yeah, this happened. I love it. I’m not dying to see Tori Spelling dressed slutty and I’m glad she didn’t dress too slutty around her two kids. But who cares what she is dressed as when you have Mr. Tori Spelling and the son both dressed as Wolverine and they’re both really into it. Not to be mean to the little girl daughter, but they should really crop out the left side of this photo and just have the father and son here. They look amazing. I even like that for whatever reason the dad is not wearing the blue gloves and is instead showing off some Hollywood make-up magic with the claws coming right out of his flesh. This guy! And then the kid is dressed up as the same thing… with gloves.

Why?

Can we issue a statute of limitations on how old you can be and dress up as a cheerleader? Or at least can we just tell Jamie Lee Curtis not to dress up as a cheerleader? I just find this to be creepy. Am I alone on this?

I loved you in Trading Places and True Lies.

GO AWAY!

JUST GO AWAY!

Can you believe this kid is making high six figures?

BOOM! FUCKING BOOM!

I know the mom is the “famous” one of these two, but after looking at this photo aren’t you questioning that? I don’t know what her name is off the top of my head, but I do know she is the completely replaceable host on The Biggest Loser. I have only seen one episode of that show, but I’m pretty sure all she did was read the numbers on the scale when those people got on them at the end of the show. I am 9000% positive we could teach a monkey to do that. And by “we”, I literally mean myself and whichever readers would like to adopt a wild monkey and then attempt to teach it numbers in the English language. I have faith that we could do it.

Also, this kid of hers could do it and he could do it as IRON MAN! Look at this fucking kid! At that moment in time, that kid is IRON MAN! No one can deny that. I’m not saying he is Iron Man now or was Iron Man on October 22nd. But at whatever time it was when this picture was taken — HE. WAS. IRON. MAN! And he fucking knows it too. Look at that pose. That kid is fucking selling the shit out of himself being Iron Man. You know going through his head was:

“Oh, you want a picture of Iron Man? BAM! Here’s a picture of IRON MAN!”

That kid knows what’s up. I would watch those obese people shake their weight if I knew that kid dressed as Iron Man was the host of that show instead of his Mom. Just saying, NBC. I’m sure he costs a fraction of what his Mom costs. I bet he’ll do it for a few juice boxes and snickers bar. Or maybe an iPhone. Kids these days and their fucking iPhones.

Anyway…

I saw this article about ROBERT PATTINSON…. and kristen stewart.

http://foreign.peacefmonline.com/entertainment/201011/100394.php

The Twilight kids are in Baton Rouge, Louisiana filming Twilight of course. Robbie wanted the cast to spend the night at this “haunted” plantation that has been turned into a bed and breakfast for Halloween evening. But British Bert over there didn’t think about planning ahead and the people at Myrtles Plantation turned them away.

Two comments:

1. Who the fuck do the people at Myrtles Plantation think they are? Idiots I suppose. Do you know how many females from the ages 1 to 100 would want to spend next year’s Halloween at Myrtles Plantation because Rab and Stew and their fearsome emo gang spent the night there? I know a bunch of readers of this site have backpacked across this great nation of ours just to hang out in the woods to take pictures next to trees that had cameo roles in Twilight. Imagine if you had the chance to sleep in the same bed as Fake-Bella and Fake-Edward? Fuck “Myrtles Plantation”. It could be “Twilight Plantation” or something and people would have actually heard about it.

2. This is the background story of said plantation – Myrtles Plantation is a bed and breakfast and they boast on their site that they are “one of America’s most haunted homes!” The 11-bedroom house has been around since 1796, and became famous after a slave named Chloe accidentally poisoned the family that lived there.

What the fuck? If Chloe “accidentally” poisoned the family that lived there then that has to go up to the top of the list of “happy accidents”.

Maybe they denied them access knowing that Kristen Stewart’s want is so powerful that any ghosts that do exist in between those walls would be compelled to pass on to the other side of existence because of its awe inspiring presence. In that case, it was a good idea.

 

Editor’s note: Thank you, KT. Thank you with all my heart. Whatever heart I have left from living a Kimbo Slice free existence for the past 3 months. Oh Kimbo! Where are you? Your gold toothy smiles warmed the blood in my veins. Your burly black beard kept me safe from the wind and rains. Your stories about “the hood” nourished me back to a healthy frame. I am running out of rhymes for this delightful game. I hope you all enjoy today’s post by KT and if you out there would like to guest post – please contact me at jordankswi@gmail.com . I was going to cliche-ly coo “I don’t bite”, but is that what is really stopping any of you from guest posting or emailing me? Me biting you? Seems very presumptive on your part that that is my main objective if you converse with me for any period of time. Write a guest post, it’s fun and I’ve heard it is a great source of Vitamin D, so that’s good.

The Vibra Vault. The Buff Box. The Finger File, Jill Journal, Muffin Medley or whatever alliterative term for the female equivalent of the Spank Bank that you prefer. The point is we all have one. It is that special little compartment in your brain for all the special someones that strike your fancy for whatever reason. You store your memory of them there and pull them out just for special occasions. You know, those nights that your hubby/boyfriend is out of town and you are all alone. When your booty call won’t answer. When you light up a few scented candles and draw up a warm bubble bath for a few hours of uninterrupted me time. What? You don’t do that? Yeah… me either…

Ahem. Anyways. After approximately a year of reading and commentating on KSWI, it has become fairly obvious that we discuss women and their want more often than men. I hypothesize that women want it more than men, but understanding the true reason for this is probably better left to the great philosophers, professors, and practitioners of the want for I am merely a novice and a student. As an avid observer of the want however, I realized that the celebrity men that have found a home in my Diddle Diary all want it… at least a little bit.

Lets start with my wild card and honorable mention.

Anthony Bourdain.

If you have ever watched No Reservations (and I’m sure you have because it is one of the best shows on TV) you pretty much know what Tony wants; booze, cigarettes and food, especially crispy and succulent pork. Have you seen the gleam in his eye when they show him sitting down to eat a whole roasted pig? He wants it. His appearance in my Cooter Collection is a bit of an anomaly as he is 54 years old, making him 30 years my senior and besting both my parents in age which usually creeps me out. Even the most attractive men on the “50 over 60” list would never make it into my late night fantasies. However, his age aside I think that he makes the list mostly as an intellectual crush. His wit and humor never fail to make me swoon. He is attractive in that “I did a lot of drugs and drank a lot of booze when I was your age” type of way, but mostly I wanna sit down with him, get drunk and talk about all the amazing places he has visited and food he has eaten while bonding over our mutual hatred of Rachel Ray. After that I would definitely let him take advantage of me.

“mmm meat”

Ultimately though Tony only makes honorable mention because mostly I want it. “It” being his job. Traveling, eating, writing and they give you a hefty paycheck for it? Where do I sign up?

Moving on…

John Mayer

I know, I know. Hes a douche bag and a cad. I feel you all already questioning my taste in men, Anthony Bourdain followed by John Mayer. It’s suspect. But, he has been on my list since I was in high school, before he was a douche bag. That was back when he was a really hot guy that wrote and sang cute songs about pretty girls and all the guys wanted to be him and all the girls wanted to be with him. Seriously, I knew several guys in high school that learned to play John Mayer songs on their guitar for what I am sure is the sole purpose of picking up chicks. I am an extremely loyal person to a fault and he hasn’t done anything so horrible yet that I wouldn’t want to sleep with him in my dreams or in real life if the opportunity ever presented itself. Despite all the gossip rag bull and the number of Hollywood starlets that seemed to take up residence on his peen for a while there, I still find the man incredibly hot. The tattoos, the pouty lips, pretty hair and agile guitarist fingers have all helped in keeping him near the top of the list. If Anthony Bourdain serves to represent what I can get past if I really like your brain, John Mayer serves as an example for how superficial I can be.

“O face?”

Along with a milder case of foot-in-mouth syndrome, I think John Mayer definitely has moments when he wants it. It is certainly not a concentrated want like some of the other members of this elite group, but I definitely see glimpses of it.

Paul Rudd

Humor goes a very long way with me. Add a sprinkle of some pretty and we are talking major crush-ability. Paul Rudd has been in my sights since Clueless… when I was 9. Don’t judge. When I was 9 I thought he was super cute as Josh and didn’t really get how weird it was that Cher ends up dating her step-brother and had no idea what Tai meant when she said she was happy as long as a guys “you-know-what isn’t bent”. He was my first crush on an “older man”, unless you count my babysitter’s boyfriend who was 17 and a skateboarder with long hair down his back, baggy JNCO jeans and dirty Airwalks. Now that I’m older and my tastes and intentions have, ah, matured I actually get all the jokes in Clueless and I still think Paul Rudd is hot.

Besides his good looks and hilarious movies we share a love of awesome music. In this nifty little interview I found, Steve Carrell asks Paul Rudd what his top 3 bands are right now . He answers with the exact, EXACT, 3 bands that I would say if Steve Carrell asked me the same question. This recently discovered bit of information may have made my lady bits tingle more than what some would consider appropriate. I may have also let out a girly squeal when I watched it.

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/unscripted-dinner-for-schmucks-viral-04/3017183107

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“how you doin’?”

Paul Rudd wants it. There is no doubt in my mind that someone that can take that picture wants it. Anyone that listens to The Avett Brothers, Mumford and Sons and Broken Bells wants it. Paul is the longest running member of the Kitty Cluster and seeing his recent surge in popularity in the movies I personally don’t see him leaving any time soon.

Jon Hamm

Jon’s want has been discussed here before so I don’t need to go over it again. I’ll be honest, unlike the rest of the members of this list I know very little about Jon Hamm outside of his physical attractiveness and his role as Don Draper. His place in the Beaver Batch is therefore probably the purist of all placeholders. My opinion of him is neither sullied nor bolstered by his music or humor. It is simply because he is hot and looks damn fine in a suit. Let’s take a moment to admire his hotness in a suit as Don Draper, shall we?

“Don Draper always wants it”

I will take any of that I can get. In my dreams, on Sunday nights, or in a Google image search that lasted far longer than was necessary.

Johnny Depp

He has been around since I was born, well 21 Jump Street started when I was 1, but he has always been someone who’s movies I watched and followed. In fact Edward Scissorhands was filmed in my hometown and current residence. If you google “Edward Scissorhands Lakeland” you get pictures of a shopping center where they filmed the beauty shop and Edward getting his scissors sharpened. My mom’s house is exactly 5 houses down the street from that shopping center. Fun Facts!

Of Johnny Depp’s 50 acting roles on IMDB I have seen 29. While I don’t remember exactly when I decided he was hot, there was a time in middle school when I watched Crybaby practically on loop. Then there was Don Juan de Marco, Benny and Joon, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Chocolat, of course the Pirates movies plus dozens more excellent pieces of cinematography. I would want to bang Johnny Depp even if he wasn’t a brilliant actor, the fact just adds to the appeal. In addition to an impressive resume he has one more weapon in his panty dropping arsenal; he speaks french. I speak some french. I’ve been to France and heard it from native speakers, and let me tell you it is the sexiest language of all the Romance Languages. Italian is close, but French wins hands down. Most times when I conjure up Johnny Depp in my imagination he whispers sweet french nothings in my ear.

“Voluez vous choucher avec moi?”

Does he want it? Yes. No. I think he seems pretty blasé most of the time. Do I care? Nope. As long as he keeps making good movies and keeps getting more attractive with age I couldn’t care less if he wants it or not.

Last but not least..

Robert Pattinson

Sigh.

I could literally look at GQ Rob all day… and sometimes I do. It’s the wallpaper on my phone. I know we tend to not mention Rob here, but it was honestly necessary. The first time I saw Rob, like really paid attention to the hottness, was the first time I saw Twilight. One day, the first week of January 2009, my friend Amy and I went to the theater together and watched Twilight. We laughed the whole way through at how bad it was, I’m pretty sure I remember the people next to us huffing and puffing and shooting glares our direction because of all of our giggling. Nevertheless, I took notice on that slow motion walk into the cafeteria accompanied by the little smirk. Catherine Hardwicke got at least one thing right.

As much of an impact Twilight made, I have to say that “Edward” is not my go-to version of Rob. In fact, one of my favorite things about his enormous popularity is that there a billion different photo shoots and movie premieres that all offer a little different flavor of Rob.

There is Vanity Fair Rob:

Wet Rob:

Porno Ready Rob:

Beardy Rob:

Short Hair Rob:

Beanie Rob:

Smoking Rob:

The list goes on and on. There is literally a Rob for every country and season and any dirty dirty fantasy that you may have. And if their isn’t I’m sure someone has photoshopped one that fits whatever you are looking for. The flavors of the dish are ever changing, but the meat and potatoes stay the same. There is always the lickable jaw, tousled hair (even when it is shorter), the always slightly puckered lips, piano player fingers and its all topped off with a super hot accent. It is all enough to make me fall in lust. And personally, I think he definitely wants it. I know for a fact that I want it… with Rob.

So those are a few members of my Pleasure Potpourri. Who did I miss? Who holds a place in yours?

I am not a Virgo. I am a Gemini which means my split personalities are to be expected and considered cute.

I see what you are all doing. Don’t pretend like I don’t know. I know. I know it and you know it. You should know it that I know it. Unless you don’t think I’m capable of knowing what you know because that is flat out ridiculous. I know what you know. I know what you don’t know. I know what you don’t want me to know. And I know you should know all of that. Just thought you should know.

Oh, Edward is a stalker. Edward is a creep. Edward hurts Bella. Edward is an old man. Edward is a 90+ year old virgin. Edward is controlling. Edward is gay. I made up the last one, but you get the picture.

You’re trying to take away my ammunition! You’re trying to cut holes in my sails! You’re trying to rain on my parade! You’re trying to tell me that when Maggie Gyllenhaal’s boyfriend in Donnie Darko beeps his horn when he drops her from their late night rendezvous that he is signaling to Donnie upstairs asleep in his bed that they made it from traveling back through time and that he needs to wake up to get out of bed so he isn’t killed by the airplane engine that is about to crush his house! I don’t buy that Richard Kelly! I don’t buy that her boyfriend in the bunny suit was apart of the time travel business! I need to stop exclaiming… I think he beeps his horn because he is saying goodnight to Maggie and that only Donnie travels through time. Donnie seeing the kid in the bunny outfit is some type of prophecy of time travel and not the actual kid in the bunny outfit. Donnie is just getting closer and closer to converging and breaking the time space continuum that his world is beginning to morph and collapse on itself like him seeing the time trails that look like the alien creature thing in The Abyss coming out of everyone’s stomachs at the party. And also….

Oh who am I kidding? That movie makes no fucking sense! It blinded me with Echo and the Bunnymen, an amazing Patrick Swayze cameo, talks of Smurfs fucking and, of course, time travel. Let alone that the amazing Tears for Fears cover would make any movie watchable. Any movie. Even that shit Twilight movie. Whoops! Awww… KSWI Jordan, why do you do that?

Your big plan is to detonate the bomb of Edward and Jacob hate by hating on them yourselves in the comment section, so I have nothing left to say. I see it. I like it. But it puts me in an awkward position. Awkward like my elevator ride earlier. Hey buddy, I know that no one is in the office today, but could you button at least three of those buttons on your shirt, not including the cuffs. The elevator ride was me, my coffee, and this guy’s chest hair. Zing! Thanks. That is exactly what I need to help me get through today.

So what do I do?

I could rewrite all the bad things that you say about Edward. I could rewrite them as if you didn’t write them already in the comments section because it isn’t like I read the comments section on my mountain of Mandom. And you’ve even ruined that for me right now. I can’t right “mandom” without thinking you are thinking about some “man” “dom” because you’re all a bunch of creeps who read slash fiction or something. Jeez. It’s the whole “that’s what she said” where I have to dissect everything I’m about to say to make sure it isn’t “that’s what she said” applicable. But I can’t stop myself anyway because it is too funny to say “that’s what she said”. Especially in public.

I could write how old Edward is. I could write about him living through World War I and II. I could write how Edward lived in a world prior to not only the word “airplane”, but the damn thing as well. I could write that Edward’s inexplicable ability to not find a mate in 100 years on this planet is not romantic, but CRAZY! I could write how mentally deranged Edward must be to not only do that, but to have lived through that. I could write that the idea of a 100 year old virgin is not an attribute women should fawn over. I could write that the idea a typical regular average Joe might not be great at sex, but a 100 year old virgin vampire will be so bad at sex and his concept of it will be so insane by that point that he’ll end up doing something so creepy it will scar you for life. I’m just saying don’t be surprised if he sticks his penis in your ear.

But you all know that already. And you don’t care!

I could write how Edward’s “immortal love” would get old real quick. I could write how in Edward’s world there is no such thing as “girl’s night out”. Edward will be tagging along to your “girl’s night”. Those nights where you go out with your friends to talk girl stuff and flirt with guys you have no intention of sleeping with (just being cock teases) and getting drunk on hard liquor and dancing and laughing about your current boyfriends or husbands or 100 year old newly de-virginized vampire lovers. Those nights don’t exist anymore. Edward will be at that bar. Edward will be creeping at the other end of the bar staring at you and your friends listening in on your conversations with his vampire ears. Your friends will see him because he both doesn’t want to be seen and wants to be seen at the same time because in reality he is prissier than the high school girl(s) he is attracted to.

I could write that you would have to teach Edward to be a hu-MAN. I could write how for a normal life with Edward you would need to get Edward into football or baseball or basketball or something that will suck up hundreds of hours of his life so that you can have some peace and quiet of your own. If you just want to snuggle up with a blanket in the living room reading the newest issue of US Weekly on a Saturday – that just won’t happen. I could write how Edward will be in that room with you. I could write how Edward will just longingly stare at you for the entire time and whisper the lyrics of Every Breath You Take to you. But he doesn’t know that song. He thinks he is coming up with this off the top of his head because that is how he feels. Every breath you take, every move you make, I’ll be watching you.

Romantic? No. I’ve seen girls. I’ve met girls. I know girls. You will all hate that shit. It might be cute for a week or at best a month, but in the end you will hate that shit.

I could write that your relationship with Edward will end badly. I could write that your whirlwind relationship of “immortal love” will begin with you fucking his brains out. Good job. After you have “romantically” fucked his brains out you will have opened the flood gates forever for his creep ways. You have waited how long for him to come along in your life? It is only a fraction of time compared to him. He has waited for OVER 100 YEARS FOR YOU! Guess what? He is going to spend every waking and sleeping second with you. This is bad news. You will try to reason with him. But vampires who believe in immortal love and have sacrificed a 100 years of sex on the chance of your existence don’t understand reason. He will never stop being right next to you, saying weird stuff and never leave you alone.

Edward will leave you childish love notes written in some archaic turn of the century poetic style that doesn’t even resemble modern romantic poetry that you will read and roll your eyes at and shrug at and throw away and he will find them thrown away and cry to himself because you are not saving them in some scrap book for the rest of fucking time.

He’ll tell you all the boring stories of his life over and over and over again. Why are they boring? Because a guy willing to not have sex for over a 100 years is motherfucking boring. He is not a cool guy. He also drives a Volvo. BY CHOICE! He has no concept of safety standards and he doesn’t have children. He is also filthy rich. He just wants to drive a Volvo. Edward will tell you his boring stories and talk about waiting all these years for you and he’ll always be pushing you to walk in the woods with him. Ugh! Enough with the fucking woods! There is poison ivy in the woods! Our house is infested with bugs because we carry them from all those stupid woods walks back into the house! My feet have calluses from all this woods walking! There are skunks out there! If I spend enough time in the woods I will get skunked! Is that what you want my immortal lover? Me to get skunked!?!

You will fight. You will have arguments, but he won’t understand why he can’t just be with you all the time and why you don’t love him in the creep every second ever love way that he does for you. So this relationship will go one of two ways. You’ll try to change him or you’ll dump him. Or you’ll cheat on him and get him to dump you if you are passive aggressive, but we don’t have time for that one… also shhhhhhhh girls don’t ever do that. No matter what, this relationship is going to end at some point. Let’s go down avenue A which makes the charade last a little bit longer.

I could write about how you will try to make him that typical guy with the sports or videogames or hobbies, but they won’t take. Now that Edward has you he doesn’t need thunderstorm baseball plus he’ll want you there watching him play thunderstorm baseball when/if he does play it. You’re going to need him to develop a drinking problem and find friends that are questionable who take him out to strip clubs or shady bars or to a football game every Sunday. Just like a typical guy. You need Edward to have those friends not only to suck up his time, but so you can yell at him for having some morally questionable friends that you don’t get along with. All of this is because currently his hobby is you. He needs another hobby. Life is long. Real long. Unless you die, life is fucking looooooooooooooonnnnnggggggg. Edward isn’t going anywhere and that will be very tiring.

In the end, Edward will not take on any hobbies. He has waited for 100 years for you and nothing else will compare. I could write about how you will fight again. This time you will break up. You will blame him for being too clingy as well as a host of other problems that may or may not be true, but will be added to the list to make you feel justified in dumping this sap. I could write how you will have ruined Edward. I could write you have taken his virginity, robbed him of his love, dumped him and you will move on while he will fall into a downward spiral of vice. I could write how Edward will turn to cocaine, vodka, and blood cocktails and he’ll womanize with prostitutes. Edward will fall into the depths of addiction from drugs to sex to gambling to drunk dialing you until you need to change your number, address and move altogether.

I could write how in the end, Edward will be killed by Fake-Michael Sheen or Fake-Dakota Fanning because he has disgraced himself. I could write how he will be glad that they will finally end his life. I could write after 100 years of virginal vampiral life, Edward will be dead within a year of loving one human woman.

I could write that. But I won’t.

Hmmmm… what about Jacob?

I could write “seriously!?! That guy!” I could write that girls choosing Jacob cannot be seen as anything more than just wanting to see him take his shirt off. There is no “immortal love” there. That is lowest common denominator. Girls being attracted to Jacob is like guys being attracted to Megan Fox. Purely superficial. There is no romance or future in that. I could write how I don’t even have to get creative here because no one is trying to justify that relationship than he has muscles and is pretty. I could write that I see nothing wrong with this superficialism as long as people don’t act like there is anything else there.

I could write that none of you would respect him. I could write that since he is so pretty and musclely that you’ll all immediately judge him as being retarded. I could write how we all do that already for really good looking people. I could write that anyone physically over a 9 we think might have a 60 IQ. I could write that whether he is smart or not you’ll still treat him like an idiot. I could write that if Jacob is smarter than you or just as smart as you then you will hold that against him and hate him out of spite. I could write that Jacob is a part of a pack of wolves who are like brothers to him and how they live to help each other. I could write that you will call Jacob and his wolf brothers “gay” during an argument and maybe all arguments with him.

I could write that you will belittle Jacob for not being the leader of the wolf pack even though you have told him that you don’t want him to be leader of a violent and murderous pack of supernatural vampire fighting wolves. I could write that Jacob will eventually spend more and more time with the wolf pack because of these fights and you will call him a coward from running away from your life together.

Or I could write that Jacob will one day kill you or horribly scar you because he is a fucking werewolf either with his claws or from “phasing” or whatever it was that was mentioned in the comments.

I could write that, but I won’t.

I guess I’ll just skip to my conclusion because I didn’t get a chance to write anything that I wanted today because of you women and your devious plots against me. I was going to say that I think Bella should pick neither of these guys: Jacob or Edward. I would have gone on to say how I think both of these guys are asking way too much from a teenage girl. These guys have lives that are way too serious for someone to be wrapped up in at such a young age. I wanted to say that these guys live very complicated lives and your first, second, third et cetera relationships should not be this complicated.

I was going to write that my personal opinion is that Bella should keep it in her pants until she gets to college.

Bella should go to college. Bella should meet some normal people. Bella should hang out with humans. Bella should try to avoid wildly dangerous situations like marrying a vampire and/or a werewolf for awhile. Bella should experience the world first before she decides to enter a mythical battle between fairy tale monsters. If one can avoid the pitfalls of life then one should avoid them. Marrying a vampire and becoming a vampire are a lot worse decisions at eighteen than getting a tramp stamp tattoo in Cancun on Spring Break. You can’t undid being a vamp or having Edward watch you when you sleep every night always and when you try to take naps.

At the same time, who the fuck is this Bella chick? From what I can tell she isn’t anything special. So she might want to grab a hold of Edward or Jacob right now before they realize they should’ve proposed to a chick who can hold up her end of the conversation and maybe has something in common with them. So who am I to judge? Edward’s rich and Jacob’s jacked. That might be enough.

That being said…

I do like the soundtrack to New Moon. And Kristen Stewart wants IT. I laughed until I cried while watching the movie. I was laughing at all the girls screaming. I was laughing at the ridiculousness of full scenes based around these guys walking in slow motion or taking their shirts off. I was laughing at how much Kristen Stewart wanted it. I was laughing a lot. I was also drunk. I enjoyed it in all that regard. I’ve had fun talking about it with the people who have seen it or haven’t seen it. It never gets old hearing someone tell me how poorly written the books are, but how badly I need to read them because they are great. Not one book, but all four. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that, but I like it.

I think my review for New Moon is done. I would talk about Kristen more, but she really didn’t seem like the focus of the movie in the least. She is just kind of there. I think these movies are terrible vehicles to prove whether or not she is an actress, but they’ll make her famous enough that some real director with a real script will take that gamble on her. I would like to see her in a Spike Jonze movie, pretty much.

Thursday and Friday posts will be more random chapters from that book idea from last Friday. Also,

Happy Thanksgiving

It happened. I saw it. I had the single greatest viewing experience of my entire life.

I saw all the glory.

I was humbled by its brilliance.

I was in awe.

This weekend, my previous perspective on life, love, death and “why are we all here” was shattered. It was demolished. It was completely destroyed. And now I have been born anew.

It was the closest to God’s face I will ever see with these mortal eyes and I wept.

This past weekend, I saw…

Devin Hester’s ass

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Did you think I was talking about Twilight: New Moon? Oh I saw that crap, but I’ll get to that later. This was infinitely better than that movie.

That’s his butt right there! I couldn’t believe it. I’ll set this scenario up for you:

Dawgz and I are watching TV. We’re watching the Sunday night football game of the Philadelphia Eagles vs. the Chicago Bears. The Eagles are winning in the 4th quarter with only a minute and a half left. The Bears have the ball and the whole game is resting on what will Jay Cutler be able to do in this 90 seconds with no timeouts. Can he drive the ball down field for a game winning touchdown? Will he throw another interception? Could he throw a 3rd and 1 pass short and low over the middle for Chicago Bears’ wide receiver Devin Hester to barely miss, but for Philadelphia Eagles’ cornerback Dimitri Patterson to attempt a tackle which concludes with him depantsing Devin Hester on national television? YES WE CAN!

Unreal! Dawgz and I didn’t notice it in real time, but every play is crucial in football so they do a slow motion replay to show what went wrong or right. In the replay, I was watching the short pass and watching Hester trying to catch it off his shoelaces while remaining standing so he could run for it. He should have just dove for it to get the first down because it was 3rd and 1, but it was a valiant effort trying to catch and remain standing. Then Patterson flies in and grabs Hester exactly where the Lord, our Father, intended him to: his damn pants. He spins, falls, and brings Hester’s pants with him to the ground. My first reaction was:

“Did I just see Devin Hester’s black ass on my television?”

OH YES I DID! Thank the Creator for DVR folks! Dawgz rewinds it and we pause it right where there is a perfect ass shot of Devin Hester in the middle of my TV. For the next 10 – 30 minutes, Dawgz and I proceeded to laugh uncontrollably through so many tears that Devin Hester’s black ass was completely exposed on network television and was now a frozen static image on my HD TV.

I immediately took my cell phone. Took a picture and then sent it to all of my friends. We also watched the depantsing a hundred more times. Unbelievable. Also I love Devin Hester. I did before, but this only adds to his myth already. His ass is so black too. There are a lot of brothers in the league, but their asses aren’t literally that black as Hester’s is. If Laverneus Coles got depantsed on Sunday against the Raiders we all know his ass would look like a frappucino. Or if Osi Umenyoura from the Giants got depantsed I would put my money on his ass being a cafe mocha with just a touch of Matt Hasslebeck’s ass, milk, in there. Even some really black guys who have an ass color that resembles straight coffee isn’t as black as Hester’s ass. His ass is the damn coffee bean!

Anyway, in all honesty I think I should stop talking about the NFL because someone might feel tempted to mention that my Pittsburgh Steelers lost to the Chiefs, the FUCKING CHIEFS!?!, and I can only think of one word that will describe what I will do to them and everyone they know or have ever known: holocaust. That’s right. I will holocaust you.

So… Devin Hester’s ass is wonderful. And I saw that fucking movie with the vampires and the high school kids and the werewolves and the mysterious lack of plot development, story arcs, acting skills, writing, and sense.

This week will be a short week as far as Kristen Stewart related material goes. Today, Tuesday and Wednesday, I will review New Moon in 3 parts. Today’s part will focus on the actual movie going experience and my initial thoughts. Tomorrow will be an in depth look at specific moments and themes in the film, Wednesday will end the immortal debate of Team Edward vs. Team Jacob and I’ll choose which one of these assholes should get Bella. Thursday is Thanksgiving and Friday is hangover day from Thanksgiving. I will try to post some more chapters like I did from last Friday’s post which I’m glad you all seemed to like.

As for my review, I think you noticed already that I referred to them as Edward, Jacob and Bella. Since I literally saw and heard this movie, I will be using their character names. But I’ll probably also break into Fake-Rob and Fake-Taylor when I see fit. So try to stay with me.

Where were you November 20th, 2009? John F. Kennedy on 11/22, the Twin Towers on 9/11 and now New Moon!

That’s what I leaned over and said to Dawgz while in the movie theater. Yes, I did in fact see the movie with Dawgz. I originally had plans to see the movie with other people and they canceled maybe because they realized they would actually have to see the movie. So in one last ditch effort, one hail Mary pass, I convinced Dawgz to see the movie with me. He had never seen the first in any capacity and had no interest to, but he was a little interested to see this. He refused for several hours, but what eventually sold him was my invoking: the United States Army Rangers.

Neither of us are military men nor come from a military family. But everyone knows that the motto of the Army Rangers is “never leave a man behind” which we learned from hundreds of action movies. I threw it out there that Dawgz was not being a Ranger and he was shredded by that idea. It was a low blow, but I couldn’t see this movie alone. Calling out Dawgz’s manhood by saying he would leave a fellow Ranger on the battlefield alone was a confrontational moment in our apartment, but it had to be done. Dawgz took up the mantel and proved his manliness, his Army Ranger-ness by going to see a 2 hour movie that teen girls to grown women soil themselves at the mere mention of.

We arrived at the movie theater already a little fucked up and I brought with me 2 airplane size bottles of Jack Daniels. I bought a coke from the refreshment stand and told the guy he only had to fill it half way. He was thoroughly perplexed that I would pay full price for a half filled drink, but I assured him whether I was crazy or not that is what I wanted. Then I poured my happy juice into the coke and mixed it around to provide myself the perfect elixir to watch this movie with. I was right and wrong. I should have brought a whole fucking bottle.

Needless to say, the theater was sold out. By my estimates it was 90% vagina. I did see a few guys there, but not many. It was the 4pm showing so it was a little too early for date night. The two major uterus groups were girls who got out of school and women who left work early. I actually heard a few women talking about how they had to go back to work now and didn’t know if they could function normally now that they saw the movie. There were probably some gay guys there, but not many. I think the gays actually made the venture into NYC to watch the movie. The guys I saw seemed to be tagging along with girls they went to school with or were closeted homos and I didn’t notice. I know a couple people who saw it in the theaters in NYC and their gay guy report was that gay guys are on Team Jacob. They love Taylor. I buy that. Gay guys are in great shape. And so is Taylor. So that would make sense.

Being in the theater reminded me of high school or more so the cafeteria again. Being in a room where so many people are talking at the same time that it sounds like a car crash. It isn’t people yelling. It is fast and emphatic dialogue between hundreds of people and when all blended together like 50 violins playing the same note at once it becomes deafening. There was such a palatable excitement in there and every second the movie drew closer the more I couldn’t fucking believe I was sitting there seeing this damn movie. Seriously, I saw New Moon in theaters on opening day!?! There are so many movies I want to see that are in theaters or have been in theaters this year and I didn’t see them, but I saw this opening day.

The trailers started and I wasn’t ready for this at all. It became abundantly clear two or three trailers in that this was going to be more wild than I could have expected. I’ve seen plenty of movies with crazy fans before. I saw all the three Lord of the Rings movies on midnight showings, I saw the Matrix Reloaded at midnight and Matrix Revolutions at 9:30am as a part of the opening worldwide at the same time premiere, I saw the Star Wars trilogy reissue opening night for each and then I saw the second Star Wars trilogy at their midnights as well. I have seen nerd movies with nerds and none of them were nearly as ridiculous as this was. I know you tried to warn me that there would be screaming, but I thought you were being neurotic and hyperbolic like how women do with everything. You were right. I was wrong.

The second or third trailer was for Remember Me. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I didn’t know what Remember Me was, but Robert Pattinson is in it and when he appeared on screen in the first second after the green preview screen went away the place fucking erupted. I’m talking about Muhammad Ali knocking out George Foreman in the jungles of Africa erupted. I’m talking about America seeing Devin Hester’s black ass in slow motion HD on NBC erupted. It was absolutely ridiculous. The cacophony of screaming and shrilling. It sounded like their excitement was being torn out of their bodies. Like it was forcing itself through their pores and being yanked out of their mouths by a steel cable. It was insane. And this was for a stupid trailer. I couldn’t even comprehend what the movie was going to be like. The movie did eventually start after maybe 2 dozen trailers that have equally ludicrous romance immortal love plots like Twilight has.

When the theater went dark, these Twihards took control like this was martial law. They barked and shushed every sound because their holy grail was about to start playing. So let’s talk about this movie. I’m going to talk “spoilers” over the next few days. Since the movie did go on to make 140 million fucking dollars then you should or have seen it.

New Moon is slow. Real slow. Like everything that happens in it is slow. The opening credits were so slow it was mind numbingly ridiculous. This is a teenage vampire book, not The Ten Commandments! It felt like it took 10 minutes for New Moon to fully appear and disappear on the screen.

Kristen Stewart appears on screen and no noise. This is why the WNBA fails. Women are not out there supporting other women. You can’t allow this to fall on men. As men we already have the NBA and now you want us to watch another NBA, but filled with women. It is too much. No screaming or clapping for Miss Wants It when she showed up. And she did want it. She wants it this whole damn movie. From the awkward scenes of her in high school to her screaming in her bed to her running through Italy to the dozen or so scenes of her being driven home in her own car and then the guy driving the car gets to her house and drops her off only to run home alone in the woods – Kristen Stewart fucking wants it. But we all knew that.

It didn’t take long, but Edward shows up. In what was the first of many scenes completely based around glamor shots of either Rob or Taylor, Edward slow mo walks from his Volvo with the wind blowing his shirt to the side through the parking lot of the high school. Not one of the fellow high schoolers find this at all weird. Those kids need to be tested for proper brain activity because he does not look, act or at all seem like a high schooler. Slow motion catwalk strutting does not happen in high school parking lots and especially not in the woodsy town they are in. Also, my ears are bleeding from the screaming inside the theaters.

Ed and Bella have a nice weirdo awkward conversation with some of their classic head rubbing. It isn’t kissing. It is more like how two puppies show affection, rubbing noses and foreheads. So weird. Why on Earth would a girl want a guy who acted like this is beyond me? Hey honey, what’s up? I’m not going to kiss you hello. I’m going to passionately rub hairline against yours. But this scene stuck with me because it was my first taste of Twilight acting and writing. Phenomenal.

Twilight is so serious. So serious. The closest thing it resembled to me was Spanish Soap Operas, but it was drab and moody and with better special effects. Also this was my first time hearing Ed/Rob/Fake-Rob speak as this new iconic romantic figure. So my first impression of the great Edward Cullen, the great Robert Pattinson, was and continued to be one word the entire movie: Listless.

This motherfucker is the most listless person ever! He has no lists! Absent of lists! It was absurd. He has no energy ever. Someone get these vampires some Red Bulls because for fuck’s sake they’re all on the verge of napping. I’m not entirely sure how being a vampire works with maintaining your insulin levels, but Ed may be hypoglycemic and he may need a bag of graham crackers for a pick me up.

Then Taylor! Taylor Lautner aka Jacob shows up in the parking lot too. I think this might have been the only scene where he had his shirt on, regardless the girls screamed like a bomb went off. It was nuts. This screaming by Team Jacob prompted Team Edward girls to boo which meant the rest of the movie was a tug of war for these girls to out scream and out boo each other through out the rest of the movie when either one of these jackasses appeared on screen.

Jacob is not listless. Jacob is just kind of creepy. Ed is a creep show too, but a lot of that comes from him being pale and having no sugar in his body to speak of. As for Jacob, he is part small child and part Olympic level body builder which is freaky.

So the whole movie for the most part followed these templates:

1. Robert Pattinson is on screen listless doing the worst James Dean/Marlon Brando impression. Whatever he says is so low in the sound mix I can’t hear it and the ear piercing screeches of teenage girls is so loud my vision is blurred.

2. Taylor Lautner is on screen and has no shirt on. This is followed by the sounds of an entire theater of females violently orgasming whether they want to or not.

3. Kristen Stewart wanting it while making obscenely terrible decisions.

That is the majority of the movie.

There was more action in this movie than the last, so I can’t imagine it was worse than the first. So I imagine you all liked this one more. Also it didn’t have an unexplainable baseball scene. There was an unexplainable double date scene though.

The thing I don’t understand though is the idea of you all not wanting to see the movie with the screaming girls. That made the movie for me. The movie itself is not good. It is at best as dramatically amazing as an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (the original or remake). Seeing the movie in the circus that was screaming girls was hysterical. I couldn’t stop laughing at the absurdity of the movie and even more so the absurdity of these girls screaming when either guy appeared on screen. And I get them screaming. I get that these girls wanted to see this movie to scream because they think Rob or Taylor or both are hot. I get that. Guys don’t do that, but I get that. Guys don’t see Baywatch in theaters and scream at how hot they girls look in slow motion running down the beach. But I get the fun in it.

What I don’t get is seeing the movie to see the movie. I don’t get that you actually want to hear the dialogue and follow the plot of Bella all of a sudden flying commercially to Italy and then being driven around in a yellow Porsche to then run through the streets of some Italian city to get there just in time before Ed steps out into the sunlight to sparkle during the middle of some ritualistic ceremony for a holiday about getting rid of vampires in Italy…. WTF! Come on! Really? This is what you want to really see or hear? The girls screaming and going nuts because Rob has his shirt off make 100% sense. I get it. He is a listless motherfucker, but he has a flat stomach with those angular bones down by his waist line. He is Calvin Klein early 90’s heroin sheik. I get that. But the plot? Come on!

There is no way you two can fight each other without hurting me.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Dawgz laughed so hard when he heard that line that it caused the whole theater to start laughing. The movie was fun in that sense, but that doesn’t justify $140 million. Girls are crazy.

Tomorrow – I’ll talk about specific reoccurring themes in the movie that really irked me and the one scene that I actually enjoyed.

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