Happy Birthday Dakota Fanning!

Today is Dakota Fanning’s “sweet” sixteen birthday which means that she now can… be sixteen? She’s a rich celebrity who probably can do whatever she wants anyway. Seriously, who is going to stop Dakota Fanning from doing anything? If a cop saw Dakota Fanning buying a bottle of gin, that cop wouldn’t stop Dakota. It’s Dakota Fanning! She’s not going to be irresponsible with that bottle of gin. She’ll probably just take it home with her and sip on a modestly poured cocktail in a 1950’s highball glass while reading the latest scripts. She’s a career woman. The cop would probably give her a tip of his hat and say, “I loved you in Man on Fire. That last scene on the bridge had me in tears.” And he wouldn’t be lying either because we were all in tears during that seen. CREASY!!!!!

Either way – HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Dakota!

In my effort to memorize the Internet Movie Database, I went to Dakota Fanning’s page the other day and clicked on the “mini-bio/trivia” section. It was filled with some really random information and some interesting information. In today’s post we will all learn about said trivia and, obviously, my “unique” take on that trivia. But, first, I will say this – I am a fan of Dakota Fanning. And not just because of this damn Runaways movie. I have not seen many movies that Dakota Fanning is in – I Am Sam, Uptown Girls (I had HBO and I was in college with a lot of free time), Man on Fire, War of the Worlds, and New Moon – but she is great in the ones I have seen.

Also, her younger sister, Elle, is great as well. Usually (read: almost every fucking time), there is a kid actor in a movie and THEY SUCK! But these two, Elle and Dakota, are actually great. I can only think of like 5 kid actors I don’t hate in movies and two of them are these sisters. And they both have worked with Denzel Washington! Excellent work, Joy and Steven Fanning. I’m not sure what you are doing in Conyers, Georgia to raise kids who act well, but don’t stop now! Have you seen the garbage kid actors in every other movie? Go have another kid. Have a ton more. Start taking hormone therapy medication and have octoplets of little Meryl Streep’s and Marlon Brando’s.

If I was a film studio executive, I would make the Fanning’s have more children. And/or I would have had Elle and Dakota working sweat shop hours to have them portray all the children in all the movies. Just think – Little Anakin Skywalker? Dakota Fanning with a buzz cut. Just think how much better that movie would have been!?! … and Jar Jar Binks gets shot in his stupid head 10 seconds after we meet him to a standing ovation of applause.

Anyway – it’s triiiiivia time, it’s triiiiiivia time, it’s t-r-i-v-i-a triiiiivia time, it ain’t no ooooother time, it actually is 10:21 am tiiiiime, but that just is a moment in tiiiiiiime during the triiiiiiivia tiiiiiiime, I’ve lost my miiiiiind, not because of triiivia time, don’t blame triiiivia time, because it’s triiiiivia time.

Learned to read at age 2.

I guess this is fast or completely on target. I have no clue. It sounds fast though. I wasn’t necessarily a “stupid” kid, but as far as I know my reading and speaking skills were the worst when I was that age. I had 5 words that I called everything and didn’t deviate from that for a few years. Also, I went to a kindergarten where the most advanced activities we took part in were “finger painting” or “stacking blocks”. It doesn’t seem to have affected me too much in the long run. So stop bragging, Dakota! Jeez! Ok, great, you were the quarterback in High School, but you’re 52 now, a drunk and a bad custodian. Not even a good custodian, but a bad one. Make something of yourself!

When she received the Best Young Actor/Actress award from the Broadcast Film Critics Association for her performance in I Am Sam (2001), she was too short to reach the microphone to give her acceptance speech. Presenter Orlando Bloom held her up to the mike for the duration of her speech, which turned out to be quite long.

There is a lot of repetition on this page, which is not surprising because she is 16! She was 15 like 20 seconds ago, so how much “trivia” could there really be? It was a cute moment, but they keep making a point that Bloom had to hold her up for so long. Shut up, Bloom! Pfffft, Orlando!?! She was 7. He was holding up a 7 year old girl for like 90 seconds. Big deal. If Orlando Bloom held up Kathy Bates today for 90 seconds then I would be impressed.

Began her acting career at 5 when she was picked for a Tide commercial.

At 5, I was pretending sticks were laser guns in my backyard with or without friends.

Her father named her Dakota, her mother named her Hannah. She then was named Hannah Dakota Fanning.

This is also brought up a few times. It really isn’t as great of a story as IMDB thinks it is. Where’s the drama!?! He wanted this, she wanted this and they compromised perfectly. Fuck you, IMDB. How about Stephen wanted Dakota and Joy wanted Hannah, so they each chose a single action Colt pistol and prepared for a gun battle to the death at dawn. But on the eve of the duel, a priestess under a full moon came to them in their Georgian home. Dressed in the blood of her elders she cried…

Her favorite films include Gone with the Wind (1939), Titanic (1997) and Steel Magnolias (1989).

I guess. She is a girl after all. And a young one at that. Titanic? Really? You worked with Steven Spielberg! How about Empire of the Sun? Or The Color Purple? I know this will hit a nerve with some of you, but I’m glad she didn’t say Pretty Woman. Oh my idolatry! I do not like that movie. She’s a prostitute! “Richard Gere is such a wonderful man”. Really? Really!?! He is a man who pays for sex. Why is it a problem when I pay for sex, but not when he does? It’s just hypocritical. And why is that girls never want to meet my prostitute friends? But you loved Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman! Either love the movie and be cool with me and my prostitutes or don’t like the movie and actually have a leg to stand on when you yell at me about spending all my free time with prostitutes. One or the other!

Collects dolls.

Yeah, no shit. She is a kid.

Loves to knit and has knitted scarfs for Tom Cruise, Robert De Niro, Denzel Washington, Oprah Winfrey, Steven Spielberg and Tim Robbins.

Listen up, IMDB – it is “scarves” not “scarfs”. One day, IMDB, when I stab you in your internet eye because you gave me false hope about an On the Road movie directed by Walter Salles it will be with “knives” and not “knifes”.

For the ‘sad’ scenes in I Am Sam (2001), she thought of her pet goldfish, Flounder, dying.

That is amazing stuff. Have you seen I Am Sam? Phenomenal. If I was an actor and they asked me to cry on camera, I would think about Dakota Fanning crying in I Am Sam while she is thinking about “Flounder”. That movie is so sad and beautiful. I have only seen it once because I’m never like “Hey Jordan, do you want to cry forever today?” And I know girls do have those moments and that is why there is a MAN as President always. Can’t have POTUS curled up on the sofa watching Fried Green Tomatoes with a quart of Haagen Dazs just because she feels like having a “good cry”.

Carries a book of baby names with her wherever she goes.

Errrr… I hope this is old trivia and not something she still does. Dakota is pretty, famous, rich and successful, but a book of baby names in her back pocket will scare away 99% of any guys who try to ask her out. And the 1% are old blind gay men. Because even a sighted gay guy would run and a blind straight guy would at least sense it. But life is too tough for an old blind gay guy for him to give up on any opportunity for love even with a baby name book its backpocket.

On her eleventh birthday,Tom Cruise gave her a cell phone.

And…

During filming of War of the Worlds (2005), Tom Cruise gave her an iPod.

Jeez, Tom. Stalk much? HAHAHAHAHAHAh… hahah… whooo… hmmm

Actually, this is a reoccurring theme in the trivia section – “shit people gave to Dakota”. Or at least that is what I’m calling it. “Shit” meaning “presents” because I know you commenters love the curse words. Maybe it should be “motherfucking fuck shit fuck presents fucking given to Ms. Dakota Fanning by fucking shit fuck exceedingly famous male motherfucking celebrities she worked with in a fuckity fucking fuck shit fucking movie”. And it is “Ms.” because she is 16 and a lady.

Back to the presents, Tom gave her a cell phone and an iPod. Not bad, Tom. Generally, I would say giving an 11 year old a cell phone is a bit ridiculous, but this is Dakota Fanning after all. The chick is making Hollywood power moves and not just calling her Middle School friends to talk Gossip Girl. And an iPod is a great gift. It is easy to use, even if you have a first generation iPod it is still a great item, they’re ergonomic. Also, I like Tom Cruise. I went through his filmography with Dawgz the other day. We concluded that 80% of the movies he has been in have been at least “good”. Most actors were not even topping 50%. And in that 80% of “good” there are flat out amazing films, a bunch of them. So Tom does no wrong in my book. Oh he jumped on a couch? Fuck you. The dude made Top Gun. Grow up already.

On her 10th birthday, Robert De Niro gave her a doll that looked like Dakota’s character in Hide and Seek (2005), with the brown hair and blue eyes.

Pretty good gift. For Dakota this gift seems to be perfect. She collects dolls, it is a doll of her, she was fucking 10 years old. And you know that De Niro didn’t cheap out on the doll. He probably paid a lot for the doll to be made. Good thread or cotton or double stitch or something. So good job, Bobby D. But maybe IMDB is not telling us the whole story. Maybe Mr. De Niro has a doll made for every opposite lead in whatever movie he is making on their birthday. Now that would be a fucking creep show and a half! I would have paid to see Robert De Niro presenting a doll he had made of Wesley Snipes to him on the set of The Fan. Also, I now want a Wesley Snipes doll. MAKE IT HAPPEN, DE NIRO!

After filming Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story (2005), Kurt Russell, who plays her father, bought her a palomino horse, whom she named Goldie. Goldie lives on a ranch near Dakota’s home where she can visit him often.

BOOM! FUCKING BOOM! A fucking horse!?! A fucking real horse!?! Wow, Kurt Russell is the KING of present giving. Seriously, he makes Tom Cruise and Robert De Niro look like chumps. A fucking phone? An iPod? I currently have an iPhone which does both of those things and it cost less than $100. A doll? A doll that Dakota can’t even play with and she will most likely grow out of collecting dolls. But a damn horse? Wow. Just wow. Kurt Russell, folks. I always wanted to befriend Kurt Russell before – Escape from New York, Big Trouble in Little China, Overboard, Tango & Cash, Backdraft, Captain Ron, Tombstone, Stargate, married Goldie Hawn and raised Kate Hudson, had a kick ass mullet for like ever – but now I need to invite him to a birthday party of mine stat. Maybe he’ll buy me a Wesley Snipes doll.

Is the youngest member of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences (she joined in 2006).

This may explain why the “Academy” never nominates the right movies to be best picture. She was 12. Fucking 12. She wasn’t even old enough to see a stupid PG-13 movie by herself and she is deciding what is the “best picture” of the year. Come on. Currently, it is still illegal for her to purchase a ticket to see a Rated-R film because she is SIXTEEN! I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Dakota. I lost my temper there. It’s not your fault. The Academy has sucked for…*thinking*…. however long the Academy has been around for I guess. Dakota, as long as you thought The Dark Knight should have been at least nominated for Best Picture then we can be friends again.

Speaking of the greatest movie of all time, I would have given The Dark Knight every award last year. I would have literally just written “The Dark Knight” in every category regardless of what that category was.

Best Picture: The Dark Knight

Best Actress: The Dark Knight

Best Documentary: The Dark Knight

Best Foreign Film: THE DARK KNIGHT YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! IT SHOULD WIN EVERY STUPID AWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congressional Medal of Honor: The Dark Knight

NBA Defensive Player of the Year: The Dark Knight

Maxim’s Top 100 Hottest Female Celebrities: THE DARK KNIGHT

AVN – Best Gangbang Scene Featuring Anal – THE DARK KNIGHT!!!!!

Was ranked #9 in E’s most cutest child stars all grown-up even if she still is a child.(2005)

Ummmm… Excuse me “E”, but I think Chris Hansen has something to talk to you about. Am I right? She was 11. “All grown-up”? Who is in charge of making those lists, “historical reference from the 1600’s”? Also, is it weird that I’m more disgusted at “most cutest” than I am that they chose an 11 year old as an “all grown-up”. Most cutest? I guarantee you if I applied for a job at “E” I wouldn’t get hired, but “most cutest” has a job there. This world is fucking unfair.

I won’t lie to you, #9!?! Who is most cutester than Dakota?

Her first word was “Momo,” which was the family cat’s name.

My first words were “ball” and “truck”.

For her, the hardest thing at the end of a movie is saying goodbye to the cast.

Awwwwwwwwwww…. Because she is a kid!

Hadn’t read all the books from the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer before she was cast in New Moon (2009) but she wanted to do it, because she loved the cast, and the movie.

Dakota, let me save you some time and say “don’t read the books”. I’ll just tell you how they end and save you the trouble – in the end THEY SUCK. That’s the end. Or I could rewrite that as “in the end THE BOOKS ARE A WASTE OF YOUR TIME WHEN YOU COULD HAVE BEEN READING ANY OTHER BOOK THAT WAS BETTER.”

While filming Push (2009) in Hong Kong, she wasn’t recognized.

Come on. Not once? Step up your game HK-China. Seriously, she was in Man on Fire – that movie was the illest.

And finally, a quote from Dakota Fanning regarding being an actress:

“I’ve always wanted to be an actress, ever since I was a little girl. I’ve always played the mom and I play my sister as the daughter. I wanted to be an actress on television and movies instead of just around the house.”

Some people wait their whole lives to achieve their dream. Some people like Dakota Fanning waited 5 years… when she turned 5! Or let’s really figure this out. She started reading at 2 years old. And let’s say there was a wayward year after that when Dakota was thinking about how she wanted to spend the rest of her life. What are we at now? 2+1 = 3! Between the ages of 3 years old and 5 years old, Dakota Fanning was not achieving her dream and since then SHE HAS!

Fuck, I am depressed.

Happy Birthday, Dakota Fanning.

… errrr Utah. I thought I read they were in Canada, but they are not. Whatever. The jokes are still funny.

I was looking for pictures of Kristen Stewart and of Kristen Stewart wanting IT like I do. They are the exact same thing, but sometimes I am not looking for a picture of her wanting IT specifically. Other times, I’m just looking for a picture of her in it. Maybe a picture of her looking to the left or a picture of her from a particular movie. It just so happens that she wants IT in all of those pictures. She is wanting IT to the left, she is wanting IT in some movie, she is wanting IT and there is a puppy in the photo.

This morning I was looking for a few recent pictures of Her wanting IT and I found a gallery for The Runaways premiere in some city in Canada. All the cities are the same in Canada: cold, bland, slightly European looking, made of Legos. The gallery had 60 pictures with Kristen Stewart in them. I started right clicking and saving the pictures and I saved 24 of I think the first 25. I had to stop. They should just have a “bulk save” feature for people like me who find all Kristen Stewart pictures hysterical because she truly does want IT in everyone of them and for people who stalk her. Really the “bulk save” would come in handy for myself and stalkers who create sacrificial shrines dedicated to Kristen Stewart in their parents’ basements.

Mo’ funny, Mo’ funny, Mo’ funny

Kristen Stewart wants IT.

Kristen Stewart (KS) – I want IT. I want IT serious though. I seriously want IT always, but right now my want is serious. I seriously want IT serious. This movie is dramatic and I’m the dark one of the bunch, so I can’t smile and let my want spill onto the world like a rainbow waterfall. A rainbowfall. A river composed entirely of liquid rainbows. A rainbow river whose source is a huge glacier of frozen rainbows way up where Santa lives. Because of global warming this rainbow glacier has been slowly melting causing the flooding of rainbow rivers. These rainbow rivers have taken over more territory and now have reached cliff faces thus creating the rainbowfalls. I’m just saying I want IT a lot, but I have to be serious about it.

KS – Oh no, I’m just playing with my hair. I’m just going to run my hands through my hair. No one pay attention to me wanting the shit out of whatever is to my left. Nope, I’m just casually running my fingers through my hair. Dakota? Nope, I haven’t noticed Dakota way over there to my left. Nope, not at all.

KS – What? Really? You want me to take a billion pictures with Dakota Fanning!?! I want IT! I love Dakota! I feel so lonely out here by my elfen lonesome. We’re in Canada and I’m cold. They told me not to smile. My smile’s want could power all the electricity needs in Cold War era Russia. It would be so great if Dakota was with me. I was lying before when I said I didn’t notice her over there. I want her over here.

KS – I want IT.

Dakota Fanning (DF) – I’m learning how to want IT. I’m more of a forbidden fruit element. Jailbait want where maybe you are projecting your own want onto me because you know that it is illegal and illegal things are the best.

KS – Dakota, why aren’t you wanting IT where I’m wanting IT?

DF – I thought you said something about “crossing the streams”. We’re not fighting Gozer.

KS – I have taught you well.

KS – She’s my bitch. I’m just saying. If you were wondering. If there was a situation where both of lost all of our money and needed to turn to alternate careers like selling our bodies for money – she’s my bitch. I’m the pimp and she is my bottom bitch. We’ve been watching a lot of Pimps Up Hoes Down repeats. It is on HBO OnDemand. Screw the Olympics.

DF – Winter Olympics pfffft. More like Schminter Schmolympics.

KS – Good one. NBC will think twice before messing with us and our sarcasm.

DF – I’m wearing black gloves.

KS – I did not notice that until you said it. And/or Jordan didn’t notice that until he saw this picture and he is making me say this because he felt like pointing it out.

DF – I want Jordan to write and direct my next movie.

KS – I want Jordan to do so as well and I want him to be my agent because my current agent needs to be fired.

KS – What are you looking at?

DF – I thought I saw something like a cat. Like a cat wearing boots. Like a cat on top of that building over there wearing boots and it was playing a little flute and there were all these little mice following it. I thought I saw that and I was thinking that I want chocolate and peanut butter puffs cereal right now. I want IT now.

KS – I shouldn’t have hot boxed the limo with you in it on the drive over here. You are so high right now.

DF – I’m not high. I’m just…

DF – Ok, I’m high.

KS – Shhhh… you’re going to get us… Well nothing. It’s legal in Canada, right? Isn’t it?

DF – Isn’t what?

KS – Pot legal in Canada. We could smoke it on the streets even if we don’t have cancer or eye problems.

DF – I was taught in High School, because I’m currently still in High School, that everything is legal in Canada. This “country” is make believe.

KS – Yeah, that makes sense. Pot is legal in “Candy Land”. Or at least that is how I play it.

DF – I could eat so much candy right now!

DF – I love you, Kristen Stewart. I love you like I love candy and cereal that can be eaten as a dessert. I love horsies too. I love you like horsies, but I’m not afraid you will kick me and kill me if I stand behind you. But I am worried that you will one day shiv me if you think I’m trying to steal Rob away from you like you did to those three girls in Santa Monica that one night.

KS – I thought we agreed to never talk about that.

DF – I did agree. And we’re not. My brain fuzzy from all the smoke. I’m in a fog right now. My young and innocent mind has been corrupted by your endless want and marijuana. But I love you.

KS – Good. Dakota, you should look back at the cameras before they start thinking we’re a couple. I have already had enough tabloid stories involving me being pregnant and/or lesbian with Nikki Reed.

DF – It’s just the want. It draws me. It’s like a gravitational force.

KS – What are you looking at Dakota?

DF – I’m not really looking at anything outside. I’m actually trying to look like I’m looking at something because really I’m looking inside my own mind.

KS – And what are you looking for in there?

DF – Mystical creatures like unicorns.

KS – I am over unicorns and narwahls. I want a new creature. I’m tired of these single horned creatures. They’re a bunch of pussies anyway. I want a multihorned creature or a creature with a big sheild on its head that breaks the unicorn or narwahls horn when it trys to attack before it runs away like the pussy it is. I want a bi-pedal stegasaurus with a rounded armor plated head that just headbutts the shit out of the unicorn and narwahl. It could have fingers and thumbs like a human-

DF – I could paint its fingernails.

KS – So it could wield an axe, no a HAMMER. A big double sided war hammer. It would dominate those stupid single horned creatures. The spikey armor on its back would shine in the sun light as it rides a stupid unicorn after it breaks its horn. It could ride a narwahl too. It could break its horn and then ride it through the Atlantic Ocean. Its reptile dinosaur skin would glisten in the salt water.

DF – You’re high.

KS – Why is it we never look in the same direction?

DF – I don’t know. I think something bad would happen if we do.

KS – Did you ever see that movie Thirteen?

DF – No. I wasn’t allowed to.

KS – Well, there is this one scene where Evan and Nikki choose this guy and they start… Yeah, bad stuff does happen when we look in the same direction.

KS – What was it like to kiss Dakota Fanning? Is that what you asked? Really? Really!?! Is that what we’re asking now? And what “news” organization are you from? Oh, ok. Yeah, I’ll answer the question. But I didn’t just kiss Dakota Fanning – I fucked the shit out of this broad! Yeah that’s right! You perv! You fucking perv! I said it! Quote me motherfucker! Quote me for your “news” website. Punk ass bitch! Punk ass bitch! Write it down! Write it down! Sucka ass bitch! Hunh!?! Come at me, bro! Come at me! Don’t you stand up for him! Fuck that guy, right Dakota?

DF – Yes, whatever you say Kristen Stewart.

KS – That’s right! She’s my bottom bitch, you garbage ass motherfuckers.

KS – Look at him. He’s still crying.

DF – You scare me Kristen Stewart, in a good way. It’s like if I was dating Charles Oakley. You are so strong and fearsome. You’re like a panther. A 6’9″ 260 pound panther who walks on two legs and has a gambling problem and dishes out its own brand of street justice and wants IT. That’s how Charles Oakley and you are.

KS – Do you see what I did to that guy, Joan Jett? He pissed his pants. Weed makes me aggressive sometimes. Well weed and the fifth of Jack Daniels I had in the car ride over.

DF – Look Kristen! I want IT. I’m wanting IT right now.

KS – Do you see that guy, Joan? Joan? Are these wax statues of the real Runaways or what?

KS – Oh they moved. I guess they are real.

DF – I’m still wanting IT. Look at me darn it. Look at me Kristen Stewart. I’m wanting the sugar out of this camera.

KS – Joan, are you alive?

Joan Jett (JJ) – Yes, I’m alive. Cherie isn’t. That is an anamotronic doll James Cameron lent out to us. He is a pretty nice guy since he has more money than God.

KS – I think I’m going to wait until that guy is back to being calm and then-

JJ – Slit his throat.

KS – I was going to say “pants him” in front of all the cameras.

JJ – That’s a good plan too.

DF – You two are completely missing me wanting IT. I don’t have the want stamina yet, so I’m starting to fade.

DF – Now I’m just happy. I’m not even wanting it anymore.

JJ – Do you think that if I flash some tit or say something outrageous about putting my or your pussy on things that the media will care about me again? Maybe a paparazzi camera could wait outside my house. That would be nice.

KS – I want IT. You want to see want, Dakota. I fucking want IT. I look like I’m about to dry fuck the lens of the camera. I look like I’m about to snap and rip Joan Jett’s throat out with my fingers ala Patrick Swayze in Road House.

DF – That cat is back. I want that cat. I want that cat, the boots, the mice so bad.

JJ – Maybe just a paparazzi camera man follows me to my car. Maybe a TMZ guy just for an hour stalks me one night. I’ll leave a window open by the porch. How abou that? Just meet me halfway. I’m lonely.

KS – Ugh, I’m over this. I want another person to ask a stupid question. Anyone. How about one of those The View broads? I’d cut those bitches in half right now.

KS – You could be my bitch too. I’m not saying you could be a top earner like Dakota, but I think you could do really well in my stable. You would be going for more of a niche market. Guys like something a little older, a little tougher, maybe a woman who will smack them around a little. Are you into doing chicks? I think you would make a killing in that market. You’re older and have more miles on you than that one chick from the L-Word, but I think it can work. That girl was having sex with every woman ever on that show. I’m not sure why. She’s cute and all, but she looks more like she would play back-up guitar for The Strokes. And I don’t mean a female back-up guitarist either.

JJ – What the hell are you talking about?

KS – Don’t give me any back talk. Or you may get slapped.

JJ – I’m sorry.

KS – That’s better.

KS – Michael, you’re huge.

DF – That’s what she said.

Michael Shannon (MS) – I don’t know about huge. I’m 6’3″. That is definitely tall, but-

KS – You’re maybe 8 feet tall. You’re the biggest man I have ever seen.

DF – That’s what she said.

MS – It’s just you’re all about mid 5’s and I’m just under a foot taller than that, so it’s really not that-

KS – You’re like Gandalf to us a series of thin and sexy hobbits.

DF – Show us your staff, Gandalf. THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

MS – Is there anyway I can leave. I really don’t think anyone-

KS – You should play organized professional basketball for the New York Knicks.

MS – I’m really not that tall. You’re-

KS – You and David Lee would be the great white hopes that save the New York Knickerbockers from another year of obscurity. The All-Star break just happened, so I’m pretty sure you two could really make a run for the playoffs.

MS – I have never played basketba-

KS – David Lee is a guaranteed double double and I think with your massive-

DF – That’s what-

KS – I didn’t finish yet.

MS – That’s what she said.

DF – Darn it. That was a good one.

KS – You should save your energy telling jokes and spend it on the court winning an NBA Championship for the greatest city in the world.

DF – I love answering questions. They’re the funnest. I love the cameras. I love hangin out with Kristen Stewart. I want to be in all the movies she is in from now on.

KS – Hey, ET bitch, keep talking. Yeah, keep talking because I’mmabout to break your fucking nose. You want to know about my family and their supposed wolves? I’ll tell you all about it after I put you in the damn hospital!

DF – And Kristen is so funny!

I have nothing for Kristen and Dakota to say. I do think this looks like a press conference shot from maybe the greatest sex scandal or homicidal killing spree ever. Imagine these two like a wild Manson family, Bonnie & Clyde duo. I would watch that movie. Them in a band? Whatever.

Let’s remake Natural Born Killers. This time we’ll make it good as opposed to being horribly overrated and terrible. That’s the first part of the remake. Second part is these two are the leads.

Also, I love this picture. Why can’t someone put this ^^^ in a movie? You know? She has personality. She has the quirky comedy look already. Why can’t a single fucking director put that into a movie? TAKE THIS^^^ and put it in a movie. I don’t want to see Kristen Stewart chasing vampires or digging holes in the woods. I don’t want to see Kristen Stewart mellow dramatically working at an amusement park acting like she is 50 years old and at the end of her rope. I don’t want to see Kristen Stewart playing some lethargic leg bruise having chick. PUT THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  in a damn movie. How difficult could that be!?! Seriously, they do it all the time with other actors — look at Zooey Deschanel.

It would be so nice if she was in a good movie.

Sadly, I don’t expect it is happening this year. *wah wah*

Questions?

Joan Jett told Kristen Stewart to fuck her guitar.

Woah! Woah! Woah! That is no way to start a new week of posts. I have to talk about the weekend.  I have to talk about football. I cannot just jump in and talk about Joan Jett fucking guitars. That would be completely unprofessional of me to not address my weekend in the slightest and begin speaking on a subject like Joan Jett having aggressive sex with a stringed inanimate object on stage in front of people and being such a proponent of this endeavor that she rounds up young Hollywood starlets and bluntly tells them to do it as well.

But Joan Jett did tell Kristen Stewart to fuck her guitar in the Vancouver Sun newspaper – right here

I did not post yesterday. I hope all of you can forgive me for not posting on Monday. I know it must have been a very tough day without my ramblings egging you on to strive forward and accomplish life. I find that my writings are inspirational and can cure the sick. It heals both physically and emotionally and spiritually. I have seen reports that reading enough KSWI will cure swine flu (that reference is so 2009). It also can be used to cure more common ailments: depression, anxiety, hyper tension, lethargic tension, stuffy head, anal leakage, spider veins, persistent cough, writer’s block, restless leg syndrome and can restore one’s faith in monotheism.

I did not get a chance to post because I do not get paid to post in any form whatsoever and because I was violently hungover. Those two situations created the perfect storm of me laying in bed under the covers with the lights off, a fan on my face, and my head at the foot of my bed and my feet at the head of my bed. I spent the majority of that time wishing that the hurricane like mess downstairs in my kitchen and living room would be miraculously cleaned up by an army of day laborers. This wish was not fulfilled. Much of Monday was spent complaining about being hungover, slowly cleaning up the apartment, and watching DVRed television programs from Sunday night.

So what of Sunday? What of football?

First and foremost, I thought both games were exciting. The second game was a little more exciting than the first, but both were good games. The Jets Defense spent the entire first quarter doing what they had said they were going to do all week. They were hitting Peyton Manning, they were stifling his offensive creativity, and they were making the Colts settle for field goals. That was impressive. Problem is, the NFL plays FOUR quarters of professional tackle football and not ONE quarter. The rest of the game was the unstoppable white and blue scoring horseshoe marching the ball up and down the field like no other team has done to the Jets all year.

The Jets have a solid team and should be excited about their future. At the same time they are a bunch of bitches who had the easiest road into the post season by playing back-to-back teams who let them win. They did beat the Chargers which was unexpected, but the Chargers have a weak defense and no one has the balls to step up to the plate and tell LT he needs to move on and let someone else play. If the Jets go into the 2010 season with a similar team they have now then they should be an interesting team to watch next year. Mark “Dirty” Sanchez is an exciting young QB who will definitely get better. They have a great offensive line and a series of amazing running backs. Their wide receivers kind of blow goats. Their defense is quite quite good. Darelle Revis is the man. Jim Leonard and Bart Scott are quite good as well. And Rex Ryan seems like he knows how to lead a team as well as feed himself buckets of slop from a trough.

Peyton Manning and the Colts are pretty good. Easily the favorites going into the Super Bowl and they should be. No matter if they win or lose this Super Bowl, people should question their decision making in week 16. With two games left in the season, the Colts forfeit pretty much and allow themselves to lose their last two games of the season. Lame. Their idea was that saving their starters from those two games would pay off with them being fresh for the playoffs. I sincerely do not care. This is professional tackle football and the most holy of holy records is the perfect season. They had their chance and they pissed on it. They pissed on the perfect season. If they win the Super Bowl then they could have had a perfect season and won the Super Bowl, but they pissed on it. If they lose the Super Bowl then they could have had a perfect season and then lost the Super Bowl, but they pissed on it.

As an organization, they stood over the perfect season and unzipped their pants. A faint musk of dirty underwear mixed with day old sweat stains mixed with current day sweat stains suffocating the air. They pulled out their collective junk. Shorn clean from a Gillette Fusion razor. Smooth, but covered in razor stubble and little pimples. A few stray curly hairs that some how tip toed around the five cold and sharp razor blades. At first, just a jet stream of piss hits the perfect season in the face. Just one wake up shot right in the eye. And now the Colts’ penis is ready and aligned to let loose its bladder. And in a golden shower that could last 40 days and 40 nights, the Colts piss all over the perfect season. Piss dripping from every corner of the perfect season. As the Indianapolis Colts’ third string quarterback Curtis Painter laughs and laughs in the background; he is the perfect symbol of pissing on the perfect season.  

The second game was a shoot out. I think most expected a wild affair, maybe ending in overtime. It was exactly what we were hoping for. Although the team who actually played “best” lost. Brett “Odysseus” Favre put on quite the show. Out gaining the New Orleans Saints at home in the Thunderdome by 200+ yards, the Vikings lost the game on their own terms. Apparently, the Vikings wanted to prove they were the better team, but at the same time did not want to go through the trouble of having to play in the Super Bowl. So they ran wild on the Saints up and down the field and when push came to shove, they fumbled. A LOT! Six times actually. The Vikings played really well, but they kept turning the ball over.

I’m sure you’ve seen the coverage about Brett Favre throwing the interception that ended the game et cetera nonsense. The whole team was losing the ball and Brett was having a hell of a game out there outside of that interception. Brett and the whether or not he is retiring circus has already started. I hope he comes back and I don’t understand why he shouldn’t. He had arguably the best season he has had in easily a decade. My opinion on Brett Favre’s physical health is that he would be perfectly ready to play heroicly in the Super Bowl in two weeks if the Vikes had won. So he is fine for next season.

Not to make it sound like the Saints didn’t do anything that game, but the Vikings did kind of give that game away, especially in the second half. But the Saints are a strong team. I thought between them and Vikings that the Saints had the better chance against the Colts. I think this will be an exciting fast paced Super Bowl with touchdowns and smiles and good times and the Who and I’m excited.

Sunday was a good day. This all happened in Jersey City – watched two games of football, played beer pong, pretty much killed a keg of beer, cooked 14 pounds of ham, made 4 pounds of mashed potatoes, two boxes of stuffing, dinner rolls, a few dozen buffalo wings, three trays of pigs in a blanket, a tray of apples stuffed with sausage, a cake, tons of chips, and, of course, laughter with friends… which was fueled by the obscene drinking of beer. Anyway, now that stuff is out of me sort of and I’m tired. I need a day off from my days off.

Joan Jett fucks guitars and has been for like 30 years. It is about 35 years of hard fornication with a musical instrument from the chordophone family.

In maybe the bluest puff piece article I’ve ever read, Kristen Stewart reveals two sentences that 51 year old Philadelphia native, Ms. Joan Jett, said to Kristen. These two sentences are seemingly to help Kristen prepare for her role as Joan Jett in The Runaways movie. I would imagine when the producers contacted Joan to do some musical consulting or supervising for the movie considering the movie is based on her and her band mates that they were not expecting Joan Jett to say the following two sentences of advice:

1. Put your pussy to the wood

And…

2. Fuck your guitar

I have thoughts and questions. Numerous. First, why was this not a song for the actual Runaways band and/or Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. I would not say I’m very familiar with either bands’ discographies, but I’ve heard the singles. And the singles are good. There are a lot of great rock and roll songs in there that are both punk and classic rock and I don’t remember every hearing the lyrics “put your pussy to the wood”. I’m not a music producer. I’m not even a lyric writer. I cannot play an instrument. I have never been in a band. But I would make a small wager that if a band of average to good looking females wrote a halfway decent song with the lyric “Put your pussy to the wood” followed by them all screaming “fuck your guitar” that it may sell pretty well on iTunes.

That is just a shot in the dark, but I feel like you can quote me on that. “Put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar” are lyrics I’m pretty sure will resonate to at least a small percentage of the population. So Joan Jett, huh? Not really mincing words.

I really wish I could have been there to have seen the face of the Canadian celebrity reporter sent out to interview Twilight star Kristen Stewart about her upcoming film The Runaways. Kristen, I’ve heard that Joan Jett was on set while you were filming The Runaways, what was that like? Did she have any words of advice about being a rock and roller? Uhhh… what? Put your what to the what? Did you say puuuu… puuuu… sss.. puss… I’m sorry, but if this is how you and Joan Jett think “cool” people talk then you are dead wrong missy. You don’t go around telling people to put their puuu *cough* lady parts on, well anything. That is not a lady like thing to say in the least. And I am not … fornicating with any guitar or any musical instrument for that matter. Never again!

Yes, in that scenario one can assume the Canadian reporter did have sex with a musical instrument at least once, but is ashamed by the experience(s) for whatever reason(s). So put your pussy to the wood and fuck your guitar. I really don’t understand how the greatest original thought by Joan Jett has been sidelined to some shitty newspaper article and not as the chorus for a rousing anthem. If this year Joan Jett comes out with a song titled “fuck your guitar” and has “put your pussy to the wood” in the song somewhere, I’m saying I told you so.

The rest of the article doesn’t get any less R-Rated. Kristen’s following quote ends the short and Sam Kinison-esque article:

“Both [of these women have] a dominant sexuality. They had to fight,” says Stewart. “People like girls to be sexy and they did then, too, but in a different way. They didn’t want to get f*cked [by the girl], they wanted to f*ck them.”

In my opinion, I would be more worried about Joan Jett fucking me than me fucking her. She said “put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar”. That is a woman who owns and regular uses a strap-on. I think Joan Jett has an exercise routine specifically designed to workout the muscles used for fuck thrusting and hers are of an Olympic caliber at this point. Joan Jett is full of so much testosterone that I could inject a vile of her sweat as steroids. So I disagree with Kristen. I’m pretty sure Joan Jett dictates any and all sexual experiences that she is apart of – vis a vis aka ie eg – Joan Jett fucks you.

The second point I think needs to be addressed is – we’re talking about Dakota Fanning. I know that Kristen Stewart and all her want is putting her pussy to the wood and fucking her guitar as Joan Jett. Kristen’s got her black hair and leather pants and her no nonsense attitude. She’s the punk princess for whatever reason nowadays. She’s the anti-culture’s queen. I get it. But “both of these women have a dominant sexuality”. Both means two. And two means Dakota Fanning.

My question – did Joan Jett tell Dakota Fanning to “put your pussy to the wood” and “fuck your guitar” or did she tell her something similar? Or did Cherie Currie say something like that?

Sweet and pure and innocent and underage, Dakota Fanning. Did Joan Jett or Cherie Currie tell her to put her pussy on the microphone or to fuck the microphone or the amp or the speakers or what? Did they just reserve that filthy language to the old soul that is 19 year old Kristen Stewart? Was it Kristen who only heard that potty mouth talking Joan Jett talking about putting her pussy on things? Or did Joan Jett tell Dakota Fanning to put her vaginal area on stringed instruments or the microphone as well? I would like to know. Curious minds want to know.

I think I made a reference once about Dakota Fanning being cute. She is an adorable innocent who goes to high school, is a cheerleader, was homecoming queen at her school and has done an excellent job acting in several films. I said she was cute and I remember receiving some comments calling me a sicko. Meanwhile, she is being cast as a lead singer of a band of girls that guys apparently want to fuck hard and people are now telling her to put her pussy on things. Seriously, there is a double standard being made here between myself and Joan Jett. I just said she was cute. I didn’t tell her to go fuck a guitar.

I feel like even Joan Jett and Cherie Currie know better and did not say anything of the sort to Dakota Fanning knowing that it would needlessly destroy her holy innocence. I am against drilling for oil in Alaska. I’ve never been to Alaska, but I’ve seen pictures. It looks pristine and perfect. We shouldn’t destroy it if there are plenty of places in the world we could drill for oil. Just let the polar bears and wolves and whales roam free and have their artic tundra or whatever animals are up in Alaska. Same goes for Dakota Fanning. Joan Jett and Cherie Currie, I’m sure they used all their drunken sailor advice on Kristen the black sheep who with all her want is the anti-thesis for innocence for some reason. And the two rock stars refrained from ruining Dakota’s innocence by telling her to put her pussy on things and to fuck a Fender.

Also, while writing that I realized that who ever takes Dakota Fanning’s virginity with be destroying the artic circle in my opinion, apparently. Who ever that guy is, he might as well be killing the polar bears, black bears, brown bears, moose, caribou, mountain goats, bison, dall sheep, orcas, countless birds and fish, and, of course, the quiet and solitary Eskimo nation. Remember that. Who ever fucks Dakota Fanning first is killing the Eskimos. So leave Dakota Fanning alone and leave her Alaskan pussy wildlife alone. And I guess if you want to do some “drilling” grab Kristen “Detroit Rock City’s pussy” Stewart.

%d bloggers like this: