Yeah, that’s what it is happening today.

I was planning on continuing my “discussion” aka “rant” about why I think Thor and Green Lantern look terrible, for instance their suits. Ryan Reynolds’ suit is CGI. Why? Ryan Reynolds is one of the few actors that seems to be walking around with a superhero 6 pack all the time. Put a suit on that. But no, they made a make-believe suit on the computer and made it look like he had a 6 pack that way. Then why hire Ryan Reynolds? Anyone can have a make-believe 6 pack when you’re using the technology of a computer to make it. All the suit is supposed to be is green and black. They didn’t have any green and black spandex in Los Angeles. I’m sure they did. Or how about Thor? He looks like a Power Ranger villain, which isn’t the worse thing in the world I suppose, but not what Thor generally looks like. Nevertheless, I think the real problem is that it appears that when Thor has his hammer* taken away from him by his pops that the suit leaves him as well. So does that mean every time he touches the hammer* the suit will appear out of thin air and assemble onto him? That seems stupid.

Oh yeah, and WHY ARE THEY ALL BRITISH?!

Why is Ryan Reynolds complaining the whole preview away that he cannot handle pressure meanwhile he is an air force pilot? I’m pretty sure they have some pressure/stress in their job being fighter pilots. And if he is so useless under pressure then why does our military keep him around? Because of his looks? That is just superficial… and I like it. Maybe we should send “pretty boy” over there to do the mission – oh God no. He can’t handle any pressure. It makes his delicate skin breakout in hives. No one wants to see that.

Nevermind.

Boom.

I was on WWTDD the other day (every day) and CelebBuzz owns his site or something and there was a link to one of their articles. I clicked on it and then clicked on a link to an article that was linked on that article and eventually down the rabbit hole I went until I found this article about “Celebrity Sex Faces”.

That’s Cameron Diaz and their joke is she is saying “that’s the spot”. That’s the other thing about this article I really liked – they tried to be funny on top of the pictures. The pictures are mindless and some are funny and some are a stretch, but either way they then added their own triple word score commentary and it makes it that much “better”. Usually “better” in the unintentional way. There are 30 of these pictures, so I’ll just choose some of my “favorites”.

If I was to label this pic – “That’s in my butthole.” Or something silly.

Wow. That is actually pretty hot.

Mandy Moore – yall. There joke is about how she is craving someone like candy. Get it? Candy? From 65 years ago when she wrote that song called “Candy”. I saw Mandy Moore in person once. She was tall and pretty. It was at a screening of Garden State in LA. She was standing a few lines over from me at the concession stand. I think I made my intentions pretty well known to Miss Moore with my “sexy eyes” / “stranger danger eyes” and those intentions was to be way too nervous to cross the 6 feet between us to say a God damn thing to her. She was also wearing heels which meant she was an amazon that made her appear more powerful than usual.

My comment for this picture would just been – “AAAHHH EEEHHH  IIIIHHH OOOHHH UUUUHHHH and sometimes YYYYHHHH… I came.”

Anne Hathaway. Well, their joke is that “you know you are doing something special when she motor-boats her lips and rolls her eyes”. True. I think that also can be said for if you are doing something epically boring. Maybe your sex is wildly uninteresting and this is how she plans on entertaining herself. She may also be being tazered. Or comically being drugged.

My joke would’ve been “That’s in my butthole.” Hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. In all intents and purposes, “That’s in my butthole” is applicable for each and everyone of these photos.

Ugh. Is Kristen Bell still with this jackoff? Could you imagine? It’s disgusting. I’m not saying that Kristen Bell is completely out of Dax Shephard’s league, but when your career’s high point is the early episodes of Punk’d … well you fill in the blanks.

Their joke is he is saying “roar, call me king kong” or something, which makes no sense. I would use either the butthole line or “Uggggh, I came immediately because Kristen Bell walked into our bedroom and I remembered it was “our” bedroom because she has bad taste in men and is with me and I get to touch her and stuff for no apparent reason.”

Gisele is like a lioness.

Their joke is Tom Brady doesn’t like teeth. Whatever. I think it would be better that “Tom Brady doesn’t fuck Gisele, Gisele fucks Tom Brady”. Is this what sex in Brazil looks like because I can deal with sunburn and rampant poverty for this.

I’m throwing up. I’m throwing up now. I’ll be back in a minute.

I threw up a few times. Their joke is “where has that thumb been?”

I just came back from throwing up more. There is nothing left inside of me because I have thrown up everything.

Are they suggesting that Cindy McCain’s thumb has been inside John McCain? Oh why?!!!! WHY?!!! I’m throwing up everywhere.

Celeb Buzz actually gets kind of crazy with some of these. Like the last one where I don’t know exactly what they are suggesting. This is of Shia LaBeouf. He’s wearing a paper bag over his head as we all can see. Their joke is “his mom made him do it”. I don’t know what that means. I’m not sure what they are implying either. The only two ideas I have:

1. Shia’s mother controls how he has sex. In this case, Shia’s mom wants him to have sex with some person, but she wants him to wear a brown paper bag while doing it. Her motives for this are purely questionable.

2. This is going to sound bad, but is he fucking his mom? I’ve only ever heard the joke about putting a paper bag on someone’s head who you are having sex with because they’re ugly/you don’t want to see their face. And it is his mom who is asking him to do it. This is just the creepiest thing ever.

Next.

This one is pretty good. He’s biting his lips and such like a woman does, so it works. They have some joke about him vampire biting a chick on her lady parts. My joke is that whoever is the boyfriend or husband of said chick(s) he is looking at in this picture – well you better get used to infidelity real quick because he banged them.

There it is. Kristen Bell. Well, their joke is that she is saying she can fit her whole fist in her mouth. Originally, when I saw this picture I was expecting a joke about her achieving an orgasm in some way whether it be digits, tongue, robot penis, regular penis, cucumber et cetera. But I guess there lies the difference between myself and Celeb Buzz. When Celeb Buzz sees a pretty woman with her mouth open and eyes bugging out in a gallery of sex pictures, they can only think about shoving something down her throat. Meanwhile, I’m thinking she is being pleasured wildly and then a couple minutes later something can be shoved down her throat. So, I’m just saying – I might be a better date than Celeb Buzz.

J-Tims being silly. Celeb Buzz’s joke is “I can’t control it. My eyes cross and I poop my pants.” Literally, word for word that is what they wrote. Wow. If this is still supposed to be involving sex then I guess in Celeb Buzz’s imagination that Justin Timberlake blows his load and it feels so good that his eyes cross and his defecates into his own pants. Wow. That’s quite the story. I hope he sees this, gets offended and meets the people at Celeb Buzz. “You think I shit my pants after or during sex? What is wrong with you people?”

Of course, my joke would be “That’s in my butthole.” Fucking GOLD!

Here is Khloe Kardashian. She wants IT. Anyway, their joke is brilliant, “Lamar, those are my boobs not basketballs.” What? Her husband is Lamar Odom the professional basketball player of the LA Lakers, but what in the hell is going on with their sexing? Is he dribbling her boobs or trying to dunk them in a hoop? Either way, stupid Lamar. He’s so stupid he doesn’t know the difference between his wife’s breasts and a basketball. Dummie.

Fun fact about Lamar Odom – he eats like a child. He loves candy and eats it all the time. All the time. So much so it became a debate whether or not his basketball game gets affected because he goes through a sugar crash in the second half. But then we found out he eats candy during halftime. This is all not as disconcerting as Ron Artest drinking Hennessey at halftime though.

When will he grow up to be 13 already. No matter how many muscles he has or suits they dress him in it doesn’t seem like he has progressed past middle school. Their joke is that they have it on good authority this is what he does after sex. I have it on good authority that Taylor thinks girls have cooties.

Heidi Montag in easily the most unflattering picture ever taken of her. Celeb Buzz gets creep city again with “So am I still technically a virgin?” I think they’re saying the guy did her in the butt, which is odd, right? Am I the only one thinking that? It also looks like she is crying. And that is usually not a good thing after sex, during sex or before sex – unless you like roleplaying. So she’s crying and the guy did her in the butt – bravo Celeb Buzz.

Kristin Davis – “Sex in the City… in my MOUTH!” That’s what their line was. She does look like she is deepthroating an invisible penis, so good one Celeb Buzz. But it goes to show you again that that is the only thing Celeb Buzz thinks about. They sound kind of date rapey.

It’s Kate Gosselin. This is another Celeb Buzz “joke” that is frightening, “Is that a bottle of lube? Really? I mean, really? You had 8 children. I think you’ll be fine.” W-O-W. They old stretched out pussah joke. Throwing a hot dog down the hallway joke. I get it. I support it. Although, that does look like a bottle of hand sanitizer, but sure it could be lube. This joke also could have been “How many dicks do you think I can fit inside me? A million? Let’s try!”

The website’s namesake and guest of honor at any party I throw – Kristen Stewart. Their joke “Well that left a bad taste in my mouth”. Fair enough. I guess Rob’s spunk is in her mouth and it doesn’t taste good. Congrats Celeb Buzz. I’ve heard pineapple juice or juices in general is supposed to be good for that. But I wouldn’t know because it’s not like I’m running some perverted science experiment and doing a trial and error and a chart and a diorama about it.

And the finally two, which are creepsville –

Lohan – “Pop my freckle”… ewwww. Celeb Buzz made sex sound disgusting with Lindsay Lohan – good job. Even at her worst, she was always just a thorough shower and scrubbing away from being fine. Just clean on off some of that wear and tear on her and she’ll be good to go, but this “freckle” line is just fucking weird. Who the fuck says that?

That is supposedly Miley Cyrus. And she is yelling at her sex partner “I want to call you Daddy!” She fucks her dad and/or she dreams about fucking her dad. Well done. Golf clap applause to all of you at Celeb Buzz.

They really should have consulted me first with these and just made the gallery “Celebs- That’s in my butthole” and it would have been stupendous.

I really hope these pictures are not taken down because I’ll never put them back up.

Boom.

There it is.

The most lackluster bullshit I have ever seen.

Ever.

As you may be able to guess, I am dramatically typing this really slowly because to really make the point of how stupid this is.

Not that I ever thought Twilight was particularly smart, but I get vampires. I’ve heard of them. They have fangs and such. They move quickly and are strong. They feed on blood, generally human blood. They are all emo and such. They like techno music. They dig electronic jams. They like leather. Rescind that – they LOVE leather. All the leather. Leather pants, shoes, boots, belts, shirts, hats. They’re real old, which usually results in them being well-read. They don’t like sunlight and all that jazz. So I get that part of Twilight. I get liking vampires. I like Blade. I’ve seen the other two Blades. I’ve seen and read Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I’ve sat through Queen of the Damned. I’ve done my part in this Underworld shenanigans. So I get it.

There are werewolves in Twilight as well. I get them; I’ve heard of them. They’re big like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the pre-politics. They’re hairy like ZZ Top. They’re fast and strong like the Reverend Raven Raymond Lewis. But sometimes they are smooth and hairless like a teen boy. And other times they’re good at basketball and boxing. You know, that all makes sense to me. I get the draw.

There are good looking chicks in Twilight. I get that. I understand why we all like good looking chicks. They smell nice and are soft and their skin looks like it would be pleasant to touch. They giggle and laugh and smile and everything they do is endearing. They look cute wearing their clothes or silly clothes or serious clothes or too big clothes or too small clothes or my clothes or no clothes. And spending your time imagining what sexy time with them is like is really time well spent.

But…

This is stupid.

Real stupid.

Really stupid.

So stupid.

At first, I thought this was a joke. Not a funny joke or even a thinker joke, but just a joke. I saw that director Bill Condon of this new Twilight decided to tweet a picture from the movie Breaking Dawn. I like movies and I run a website with an oddly invested interest in these particular movies, so I thought with 24 hours in a day I could spend a second or two looking at this picture. And then I saw the picture.

This picture. Oh boy do I hate this picture.

At first again, I had no idea what the fuck was going in this picture. I clicked on the picture expecting the picture to blow up to reveal the rest of the picture like this was a thumbnail preview to a much bigger picture that actually had something going on in it. But there wasn’t. It was just a bigger version of half an arm holding what appears to be feathers. This is when my brain kicked in:

Why feathers?

Why just a hand?

Feathers? Hmmm… what has feathers? Chickens obviously. Birds. Most birds, if not all birds I guess. Hmmm… feathers? Well, the book has super powered vampires and werewolves and maybe some other things, so what has feathers? Angels? Angels have feathers. Feathered white wings. Is that Kristen Stewart’s hand holding the feathers from an angel who is now in the book? I don’t know. Why does it even have to be that grandiose? Let’s go back to those chickens. Maybe she fights a chicken. Or maybe she catches Fake-Rob eating chickens. I mean eating them when they’re alive with the blood and such and feathers flying. Not like how I eat chicken in the grilled or fried variety from the grocery store.

Feathers?

Half an arm?

Then I decided to read the description of the picture from the movie website. And it explains that this is actually Kristen’s hand holding the feathers from seemingly busted pillows because having honeymoon sex with a vampire results in some pillow biting and/or tearing from how rough the sex is.

I hate this stupid movie and book series.

That is so stupid.

This picture is not hot.

Not romantic.

Not sexual.

Not sensual.

Not nipple hardening.

Or anything else hardening.

Not titillating.

It is just stupid.

If any other movie showed a still photo like this with nothing happening and it all being left up to the imagination of the person to fill in all the details and I mean ALL the details because absolutely nothing is being shown or happening in this picture then that movie would be absolutely LAUGHED at.

But because this is Twilight, I could basically hear the orgasms through my twitter timeline.

All this is is a picture of a hand holding a couple feathers. For everyone to fill in that this picture is hot because that meant a few minutes earlier in a world we do not see that two people who are not pictured were having sex that was not even described is just ridiculous.

You could literally do that about any picture ever…

Oh shit! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

LOOK HOW FUCKING HOT THAT IS!

OMG! I’m fucking sweating this is so fucking hot! This is the sexiest shit ever. As you all know that jar full of homemade chocolate chip cookies is a metaphor for all the hot sex that the two main characters had. That man’s hand is of course from our protagonist Steve the alien space ninja from the future who has traveled the galaxy for a 1000 years looking for his one true love. That one true love is of course Whitney the average clumsy high school girl who just so happened to meet Steve when she almost hit him with her car during her driver’s test. Since then the two have had a wild tale of improbable sexual frustration until last Tuesday. That last Tuesday, Steve and Whitney had so much bed breaking sex. Like all the sex. And with the very hands that Whitney used to sex up Steve’s future alien ninja body and penises, she used those same hands to makes these cookies. The same hands that squeezed and stroked that … cookie dough was also on Steve’s naked ninja future alien body. And Whitney made sure to make a cookie for each and every time Steve drove Whitney to climax with his multiple ninja penis alien future hands. And now Steve is reaching into that cookie jar and taking Whitney’s cookies and take them to his lips to eat just like he did to Whitney’s… And it is just the fucking sexiest hottest most amazing orgasmic crazy wild hot sexy fuck sexy hot want naked nude nothing happening it’s feathers and a hand sexy fuck hot naked Steve alien ninja penis orgasm Whitney’s cookie jar and this is the end of my post.

🙂

Today is a great day. Outside of the anniversary of my, Kay-Swidge-Izzle-My-jizzle, birth (June 15th, memorize it), today is the most important day of the 2010 year. Today marks the return of professional tackle football. FOOTBALL! I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT! It is only a few scant hours away when I and the rest of the world and the universe and those pesky aliens (illegal immigrants as well as green men who live on Saturn) can finally watch professional FOOTBALL again. I feel a surge of energy rushing through my veins right now just thinking about.

For the past four weeks, I’ve been watching the NFL preseason. Watching the NFL preseason is akin to an unenthusiastic dry handjob. This past week, college football started up. But if you like professional football then adding college football to the mix is merely some spittle for lube and breathy dirty talk.  Yeah, it may do the trick every so often, but it ain’t nothing to the NFL season, which is full on XXX rated tantric animal-style damn near should be illegal it is so good hardcore banging the walls flying kama sutra positions up on your toes need a Gatorade and a power bar cause all the nutrients of your body is pouring out of your sexhole fucking! Add commas and punctuation where it is needed up there.

My point is, in all seriousness, without an ounce of hyperbole:

The National Football League and the brand of professional tackle football played in it is the greatest gift that the God has given humanity.

I asked Dawgz to give me his thoughts on this most holy of opening days, more holy than, but very similar to that one unseasonably cool summer night when Britney Spears opened herself to the throws of condomless sex without marriage. Both of these experiences (the start of an NFL season and Britney Spears’ love life) have left an uncountable path of human carnage littered with blood and shattered dreams as well euphoric ecstasy for the lucky few. This is what Dawgz had to say:

As the heat and humidity of the summer breaks and the days become shorter, one of America’s greatest rituals is set to begin. The National Football League’s 2010 season is upon us.

Throughout America citizens in nearly every major city have been spellbound in anticipation for the prospects that lay in store for their tackle football organization. There has been a lot of trash talk and bold predictions since February, but now, finally, the games are here and the battles are set. There is no more time for talk, because only the actions on the field matter. It is quite simply a great time to be alive in these “States United.”

So in celebration of this annual custom; a custom that entails genetic freak-men from across this continent getting together to run into each other at ridiculously high speed; Jordan has asked me to quickly jot down some of my thoughts for 2010.

1. Peyton Manning is going to have a “Fuck You Season”

What is a fuck you season you may be asking? Well it is when a player has something more to prove than just winning games, because for a player in the midst of a fuck you season every game is a chance to make a statement. After throwing the most costly INT in the history of football, a pick that directly cost his team the Super Bowl, you can bet that Peyton Manning is going to want to show that world something a little extra every time he is out on the field. You know he blames himself and has been working his ass off to make sure that he is never responsible for a loss again. Manning is going to be unrelenting in 2010. He might break Dan Marino’s 1984 record for pass yards in a season. The Colts might go 16-0. He could throw 50+ touchdowns. Everything is on the table for Manning in 2010, because his mistake last February is going to motivate him to become an even better football player than he ever has been, which considering he has already won 4 MVP’s, is a very scary proposition for everyone else. So when you see Peyton this year and he is destroying defenses, just know that in his head he is continuously reciting, “fuck you.”

2. The Miami Dolphins are going to win the AFC East.

For the sake of disclosure I must say that I am a huge Dolphins fan, who I often refer to as the “Ball-phins,” so obviously this prediction is a little biased. But objectively, the Ball-phins are going to be a tough out this year. They traded for Brandon Marshall who gives them their first legitimate receiving threat since 1994. They also signed Karlos Dansby who is going to be a defensive anchor at inside linebacker. Their QB is maturing everyday and they still have Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams. Any way you look at it, the Ball-phins’ roster has the most talent on it in over 15 years. Couple this with the fact that they are flying under the radar because the New York Jets are sucking up all the oxygen in their division, and you have a recipe for a team that could dominate the league seemingly out of nowhere. Betting against the Ball-phins this year is going to be perilous. You have all been warned.

3. The Detroit Lions are going to be a good football team.

What? The Lions, don’t they always suck? Yes they do always suck, no season more so than 2008 when they lost all 16 games they played. But I like this young Lions team. First of all, in the NFL no team is bad forever. Secondly, they play defense, they have a young strong-armed QB who is tough as nails, and they are loaded with talent in the skilled positions. I am not saying that the Lions are going to make the playoffs, but they are going to win some games that they shouldn’t. (Upset alert: The Eagles are going to loss in Detroit week 2). Rookie defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh is a beast of a man that is going to fit in nicely with Jim Schwartz’s defensive scheme. Running Back Jahvid Best is a playmaker who is going to score touchdowns. Quarterback Matthew Stafford is going to take big strides this year as a player and a leader. This all adds up to a Lions team that is on the rise and they are going to be a real interesting to follow in 2010 and beyond.

Well thank you for that Dawgz. I have to agree with everything he said not because we currently live together, but because I believe him to be right… and we live together. Peyton Manning is a demi-God in football and has been for the past decade. There is no real reason for him to stop now. He has a couple detractors this year losing his offensive coach and one of his lead lineman in Jeff Saturday, but that will only make Peyton try harder than before like Dawgz said. The Ball-phins were one of the most active teams in the off-season as far as big trades. This is the year that they need to make a play for the title and prove that they are an elite football team. The Lions have added a lot of young talent and I think showed that they are an eager and aggressive football team. On draft day, I was very excited to see the Lions take Suh. Get used to seeing and hearing people stumble over the nearly unpronounceable Ndamukong Suh. The man is big and mean.

Lastly, Dawgz and I will go through all of the 32 glorious football teams and give a word association like summary for this season. Dawgz will be in red. I will be in blue. Reason being, Dawgz has been to an Alan Jackson concert, where Brooks & Dunn also played, so basically he understands the plight of the red-staters. Just like eating Chinese food makes you understand the 1.3 billion nation of China. He has heard your music and seen it in person, he infiltrated your society without you even knowing it. And I will be in blue because my eyes are a shade of blue that speaks innocence to the mind, loose morals to the heart, and wetness to the panties.

AFC

East
Buffalo Bills –
A good defense, but the front office and fan base are really just waiting to draft a real QB in the 2011. Sports Illustrated did a survey of which team’s fans party the longest in pre-gaming and the Bills’ fans won – no shocker because they need as much booze as they can get to stand the sight of their own team.
Miami Dolphins –
Most talent on the roster since Don Shula was the coach.  Sleeper Super Bowl potential. No team is ready to play in the humidity and on the dirt field in Miami, including Miami. Nevertheless, a solid run game plus an ever improving passing game means they’re dangerous.
New England Patriots – No running backs, injured players, disgruntled Randy Mosses, and Tom Brady’s terrible hair all equal a team on decline. Good things happen to beautiful people especially beautiful people with an ass-ton of talent, so I expect Brady and that Pats to be a threat as always, but probably not Super Bowl ready.
New York Jets – A lot of noise about Super Bowls, a lot of big names on the roster, a lot of unrealistic expectations.  All this will equal a perfect storm of disappointment in 2010. The flight of Icarus is the story of the Jets this year.

South
Houston Texans –
If this isn’t the year they make the playoffs they will be in the market for a new head coach. The Texans have gotten steadily better and are always just shy of proving that they are more than a second tier team, but I think they are still a second tier team.
Indianapolis Colts – Everyone in the league should be very afraid, very afraid, of Mr. Manning. “The Sheriff” Peyton Manning is still the unequivocal leader of this franchise and he’ll lead them to a lot of victories. Also, “Mr. Glass” Bob Sanders will play half the season this year before he disappears onto the IR.
Jacksonville Jaguars  – Suck. Agreed.
Tennessee Titans – Big year for Vince Young because the last time he was the starting QB to begin a season he had a mental breakdown.  Chris Johnson might become the first man to ever have back-to-back 2,000 yard rushing seasons, but I still don’t love their defense. The Titans need to show last year wasn’t a fluke. Chris “4.2” Johnson needs to continue as a premiere back and Vince “The Prince” Young needs to hold the starting position of QB and lead these team to a consistent season.

West
Denver Broncos –
No running backs will hurt the offense, but they will play sound football on both sides of the ball.  Tim Tebow will rush for 5 or more touchdowns, but they will struggle to be .500. Tons of injuries and lost a big receiver in Brandon Marshall – not sure what to expect from them… outside of every touchdown they score a high pitch squeal and Hitler salute from their prepubescent coach Josh McDaniels.
Kansas City Chiefs – New offensive and defensive coordinators will help them be more consistent, but not enough talent to really make noise. The Chiefs are just trying to survive the season to prove they can do it.
Oakland Raiders – They got a lot better after they dropped The King (JaMarcus Russell), but they still have no WR’s.  The defense is good, but the playoffs are probably not going to happen. They were surprisingly dangerous last year regardless of their shoddy personnel and should be better this year. Although, I won’t root for this because they got rid of The King.
San Diego Chargers – They have The Creep (Phillip Rivers) and as long as he is playing they will win this division. The Chargers are trying to score a thousand touchdowns because there is the possibility you will score 999 on them. Exciting football nonetheless.

North
Baltimore Ravens –
For the first time in their history, their offense might be better than their defense, which is terrible news for the rest of the league. They like to hurt people, they have an excellent young running back in “RuttRo” Ray Rice and they have a brand new wide receiving core. We all should expect big things from The Wire’s football team.
Cincinnati Bengals – I will give them credit for doing things in an attempt to win, but I don’t think they are going to be able to sneak up on teams the way they did last year. Easily, the most entertaining pair of WR’s in Ochocinco and TO, but this season will be a struggle much like their last few. They are a scrappy bunch who can steal wins.
Cleveland Browns – Jake Delhomme is not the answer.  Colt McCoy will see the field before the season ends. Nothing to see here. Rebuilding year. But I hope Jerome “JEROME!” Harrison has a big year for them.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Large Benjamin is gone for the first month but they will rally behind Dixon and still be a dangerous team around playoff time. BLACK AND GOLD! I am a Steelers fan. I think the defense is still looking to hurt people and the “Steamin’ Willie Beamin” Dennis Dixon is looking to score some TDs with Ben on the sidelines. I’m hopeful.

NFC

East
Dallas Cowboys –
A lot of talent, but they still have a terrible coach.  They will make the playoffs, but I don’t see a Super Bowl run. They will win a bunch of football games this year as usual and by mid-season people will be talking a championship, but they are prone to making mistakes and losing and by that I mean specifically Tony Romo. He’s just so darn excitable.
New York Giants – The Jets are the hot team dominating the New York media, which lets the G-Men be a team that is somehow underrated.  A lot of big names that played bad last year and need to play big this year will equal a division championship. The Giants should be playing with a chip on their shoulder about last season. They need a leader in that locker room on defense and for the sake if they find it they should be a scary team.
Philadelphia Eagles – Get used to hearing Michael Vick – Eagles starting quarterback, because I don’t believe in Kevin Kolb. Agreed. Barely acknowledge his existence or hate him – Mike Vick is Philly’s QB this year.
Washington Redskins – A team in turmoil, but Donovan is going to thrive in a new atmosphere. They can’t be much worse than last year. I think this is a team trying to go 8-8 together this year to make a push next year.


South
Atlanta Falcons –
A really talented team that nobody is talking about.  Dangerous, very dangerous. I think Archie Manning is the illegitimate father of QB Mattie “Ice” Ryan – dirty birds are a good team.
Carolina Panthers – Stud running backs and a young and athletic defense, but they might be a year away from really competing. The Panthers have been an enigma since their inception – they will continue to be this year. Losing a game or two they should win and winning games they should lose. But no title run.
New Orleans Saints – I was the first person on the bandwagon last year.  I am the first one off it in 2010.  They will not make the playoffs, despite Drew Brees having another monster season.I’m not as down on the Saints as Dawgz. I think they’ll do fine. Not the run they went on last year, but they will be an offensive juggernaut again and will make the playoffs.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Young, really young.  Like crazy young.  This year is going to be a learning experience. They need to put calcium in the water in Tampa Bay because this team is brittle. They’ll play with heart, but not many wins this season and probably a new coach next season.

West
Arizona Cardinals –
All world wide out Larry Fitzgerald is going to get dejected watching Derek Anderson throw the ball to the other team more than to him. Biggest drop in talent. Their coach is excellent, but he’s not out on the field playing for them. They’ll be lucky to go .500.
San Francisco 49ers – This is a team that is ready to make a jump.  They should win this terrible division. The 49ers need to get at least 10 wins this season. They need it bad to prove these past few years have been moving towards the right direction and I think they can get 6 wins right here winning each of these conference games.
Seattle Seahawks – New coach, new attitude, old QB. They will be better but not by much. Just trying to survive this year to prove they can.
St. Louis Rams – Rebuilding in St. Louis.  They are just hoping that their rookie QB Sam Bradford doesn’t get killed this year. Agreed. This whole division is in a rebuilding phase.

North
Chicago Bears –
Big year for The Villain (Jay Cutler).  He needs to take care of the ball and make better decisions if this team is going to make a playoff run. Won’t be too hard for them to show improvement from last year, but I don’t think they are ready for the playoffs.
Detroit Lions – Don’t sleep on this team. It will be a miracle if they go 8-8, but there is an outside shot they could. They are making positive steps forward and hopefully that will continue for them.
Green Bay Packers – Everybody thinks they are going to win the Super Bowl.  I think they may win their division and that is about it. High scoring offense with the potential of having an excellent defense. They seem to be their own worst enemies with injuries and blowing plays. I think they will be a tough team to beat and be in the playoffs.
Minnesota Vikings – If they can keep the old man in one piece and the defense keeps up the pressure they should be right were they were last year, fighting for the Super Bowl. As much as people talk about Brett “Silver Fox” Favre (and they should), this season is a big one for Adrian Peterson. He needs to stop fumbling the ball and helping win big games that matter. It is great that he can run over shit teams like they are shit teams, but he needs to prove it on a cold night in December against a top tier team. Good luck to him.


And I’m spent I’m sure you’re all thanking us for all of this. Oh thank you Jordan and Dawgz for writing 3000 words about football on a Kristen Stewart themed website. Thank you from the bottom of our female probably couldn’t give a shit hearts. Thank you.

And you’re welcome.

Spent.

Do you have a thing for older woman? That’s a little faggoty, isn’t it? – Carrie Fischer in “Shampoo”

Hark! Yes! I see it. It has finally arrived. The sequel to the ever successful “List of 50 Men Over 60”. Today is a truly glorious day! Indeed.

For anyone who is new to these lists of sexually attractive senior citizens, a brief overview. I am a 27 year old man who decided to take on the task of crafting a list of 50 men who are all at least 60 years old who I believe women would still… fuck. Despite their wrinkles and inability to text, these men still have much to offer the female species as a one night fling. With the help of my friend, Dawgz, we published this list in mid-January of this year.

What is insane and funny for the goose is still insane and funny for the gander, so a few months later – Dawgz and I were under our perverted thinking caps yet again. This time it was to find 50 women over 60 that men would want to fuck. In the corresponding video and in the title it says “should” just for aggressiveness’ sake. But why wouldn’t you want to bed these fine ladies? Also, we did not simply want to post the list as before. This time there is a viiiidddddeeeeeooooo (that was the hold up).

As with the previous list of men, the idea isn’t that you would read said list and agree on every single one of these choices. The idea is that we do not believe you can read this list and say “no” to every single one of these women; you will say “yes” to at least a few. At that point, you will have accepted a new level of ridiculousness into your life where you are actively thinking about and agreeing with having sex with women over 60 years old.

In the end, the list speaks for itself. I believe it is a fine assortment of women who have excelled in their chosen careers. There are actors, comedians, writers, politicians, musicians, models and so on. This is not the definitive list. There is room to add others that we have forgotten. And there is room to discuss the chosen few we have mentioned here. Please feel free to suggest other 60+ year old women. Also, feel free to question any on the list for a full explanation.

Without further ado, “how old would you go?” Enjoy.


1. Meryl Streep – 61
2. Susan Sarandon – 63
3. Helen Mirren – 64 – just released nude photos
4. Dolly Parton – 64
5. Nancy Pelosi – 70
6. Goldie Hawn – 64
7. Charlotte Rampling – 64
8. Joanna Lumley – 64
9. Lauren Hutton – 66
10. Sophia Loren – 75
11. Debbie Harry – 64
12. Pam Grier – 61
13. Jessica Lange – 61
14. Sigourney Weaver – 60
15. Susan Lucci – 63
16. Jane Fonda – 72
17. Raquel Welch – 69
18. Suzanne Somers – 63
19. Olivia Newton John – 61
20. Peggy Lipton – 63
21. Diane Sawyer – 64
22. Cheryl Tiegs – 62
23. Jaclyn Smith – 62
24. Barbara Streisand – 68
25. Kate Jackson – 61
26. Diane Keaton – 64
27. Laura Bush – 63
28. Anni-Frid Lyngstad – 64 – from ABBA
29. Agnetha Fältskog – 60 – from ABBA
30. Donna Summer – 61
31. Barbara Walters – 80
32. Ann-Margret – 69
33. Julie Christie – 69
34. Tina Turner – 70
35. Doris Kearns Goodwin – 67
36. Joy Behar – 67
37. Blythe Danner – 67
38. Stevie Nicks – 62
39. Christine McVie – 66
40. Hillary Rodham Clinton – 62
41. Martha Stewart – 68
42. Vera Wang – 61
43. Jess Walton – 61 – turned 61 on June 27th – video was recorded prior to that
44. Phylicia Rashad – 62
45. Diahann Carroll – 74
46. Arianna Huffington – 59 – turns 60 July 15
47. Joan Collins – 77
48. Jackie Collins – 72
49. Catherine Deneuve – 66
50. Cher – 64

*Honorable Mentions:

Priscilla Presley – 65, Shelley Hack – 62, Anna Wintour – 60, Barbara Bach – 62, Olivia Harrison – 62, Bonnie Raitt – 60, Emmylou Harris – 63, Carly Simon – 65, Linda Evans – 67, Bette Midler – 64

Questions and comments? There will be follow-up videos for the list including a “remix”.

Thank you

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! YEAH! I’m at work so fuck all of you that are not.

I have two things to say about St. Patrick’s Day and then I will move on to a much more interesting topic which is mathematics and the phenomenal story of Winston Bennett’s sexual encounters with thousands of women.

1. St. Patrick’s Day is on March 17th because there was a debate whether or not it should be on March 1st or March 7th and the compromise was to celebrate it on March 17th. That is literally what I was taught. I am passing that onto you whether it is true or false. Just saying. It sounds reasonable enough for an island full of potato eating drunks that I hold lineage to. It also sounds more reasonable than saying that William Blackstone, Thomas Acquinas and John Calvin meant more to creating the framework of this country than the fucking man who wrote the framework for this country THOMAS MOTHERFUCKING JEFFERSON!

2. My fondest St. Patrick’s Day was in 2005. I was a Senior at Saint Joseph’s University in Philadelphia, PA. I had no Thursday classes. I promptly woke up at 10:30am. I had to be at what I believe was the former President’s lounge on campus to an interview a professor. At the time, Dawgz, another friend we’ll call Kenneth Cole Snake, and I were making a political documentary. That day we were interviewing one of our favorite professors – Dr. Arnold Farr.

I got to the room around 11am. It was a big room with leather couches, a projector screen and paintings of all the former SJU Presidents or something aka white guys who are dead. I rigged up the projector to play the NCAA Basketball tournament on the far wall. I sat and watched it until Kenneth Cole Snake and Dawgz showed up at 11:30am. Dr. Arnold Farr arrived around 12:30pm. We interviewed him for an hour in which he talked on a host of subjects raging from radical historicism, symbolic representation, failure of the Democratic party in the 2004 election, the voting practices of the South mirroring racism, growing up in the South (he is from South Carolina), and hope for the future.

Afterwards, we walked over to the local SJU bar, The Muddy Duck, and proceeded to drink Yuengling. They did not serve Guinness because they were the shittiest bar ever, but they were our shittiest bar ever. Friends joined us and we drank for several hours at the Duck. Around 3pm, we went down the block to Larry’s (a cheesesteak, pizza, sandwich place) and got some food. We returned to The Duck. We drank. We left the duck around 5pm. Went to a friend’s apartment. Drank there. Around 8pm went back to the Duck with Guinness cans stuffed in our pockets. Smuggled them in. Drank them and then drank whatever else until 1-2 am. During that time all of the SJU drinking class showed up at the bar for some period of time. It was jam packed, dirty, loud and somehow overpriced as usual. At some point, I DDTed a friend onto the pool table (sorry Dave).

I made it back to my apartment drunk as can be. Passed out. And most likely didn’t go to class on Friday. That’s about the best one I can remember.

Now… The REAL topic…

Winston George Bennett III

 

Until yesterday, I had never heard of Winston Bennett. I did not know Winston was born and raised in Louisville, Kentucky. I did not know he was named “Mr. Basketball” in the state of Kentucky in 1983. I did not know about Winston Bennett playing for the University of Kentucky. I did not know that he led the Wildcats to the Final Four and to the Sweet Sixteen finishes in two respective seasons. I did not know anything about the collegiate basketball awards Winston Bennett won. I did not know he was drafted by the Cleveland Cavaliers. I did not know he was a bust in the NBA and only played for 3 seasons. I didn’t know about him returning to the University of Kentucky to be an assistant coach. I didn’t know he was apart of Kentucky’s NCAA Tournament Championship team in 1996. I didn’t know he followed Rick Pitino to the NBA as an assistant coach for the Boston Celtics. I didn’t know about him being named the head coach of Kentucky State University in 2000. And I didn’t know that Winston Bennett was currently the head coach for a school named Mid-Continent University. I didn’t even know there was a Mid-Continent University.

I will admit I did not know any of these things about Winston George Bennett III. I do now. And the reason I do is because of one amazing thing Winston George Bennett III did: HE HAD SEX WITH EVERY WOMAN! Or pretty fucking close.

Yesterday, there was an article/interview on The Huffington Post with Mr. Bennett where he revealed that he was a sex addict:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/16/winston-bennett-sex-addic_n_500970.html

Bennett claims that when he was single he averaged having sex with 90 different women a month. Yes, you read that correctly. That was 90 as in NINETY as in a nine with a zero after it. As in count how many fingers you have – should be 10 unless you are a FREAK – and then multiply that by 9. Now replace those 90 fingers with 90 different skanky ass women having sex with professional basketball marginal footnote Winston Bennett. I know that Wilt Chamberlain said he had sex with 20,000 women which is insanity, but he was one of the greatest basketball players ever. I didn’t even know Bennett existed and I love basketball. So this is kind of crazier.

As you can guess, I now love Winston George Bennett III. He should be elected to the Hall of Fame of Greatest Human Beings Ever alongside Willie “I fought a bear in Japan on film” Williams. Over the course of a month, on average Winston slept with 90 different women which would be roughly 3 a day. THREE different women a day!?! That is ludicrously brilliant. And this is only part of the story. There is so much more amazingness in Winston’s story post playing basketball with his trials and tribulations on and off the court, but today we will only talk about the positive: SEX WITH 3 DIFFERENT WOMEN A DAY!

That was some rudimentary math right there; 90 women a month, there are 30-31 days in a given month is 3 or 2.9 women a day that Winston is having sex with. I would like to continue with this mathematics for … well ever and I will, but let me also establish two other numbers that Winston mentions in this interview: 4 and 45.

4 – The number 4 signifies how many different women Winston Bennett was sleeping with on average every week when he was in HIGH SCHOOL! Winston Bennett was the COOLEST dude in high school.

45 – Winston Bennett had a transformative moment in 1989, he got married. Winston had another transformative moment when he cheated on his wife the very next day after they got married. The number 45 is Winston’s estimate of how many women he slept with in a given month after getting married. And if you are wondering – HE IS STILL MARRIED!

Yes, Winston Bennett and reliable Peggy have been married for over 20 years. She and he are both religious people. Stoic Peggy has been helped by Jesus and religion to stay strong and stay with Winston. Meanwhile, Winston has been “religiously” cheating on her since the moment they met.

Now, is the time for mathematics. NUMBERS!

Winston Bennett graduated from high school in Louisville, Kentucky in 1983. This idea of sleeping with 4 different women a week in high school probably did not start when he was a freshman. Let’s just start with his senior year of high school (1982) because that was the year he was named “Mr. Basketball” in Kentucky – which we all know is a very prestigious and sexy honor.

If he averaged this all year –

52 weeks a year X 4 scandalously slutty women = 208 different freaky deakys.

Let’s assume that this was 1982. In 1982, Winston Bennett finished his junior year in high school and later in the year started his senior year of high school. At some point in 1983, Winston knows that he will begin playing for the University of Kentucky. I think it is very safe to assume this is when the 4 times a week escalates closer to the pinnacle that is 3 different hoes a day.

4 floozies over 7 days becomes 21 floozies over 7 days, which is a 5.25x growth.

None of us assume that this happens over night. Women are easy, but not that easy, am I right? Winston graduates high school in 1983 and starts playing for the Wildcast of Kentucky that same year. He continues to play for the Wildcats until he graduates in 1988. Winston then plays basketball in Italy and for the CBA in 1988, before he begins his short lived NBA career in 1989 – the same year he got married to good ole’ steadfast Peggy.

I am going to make a humble estimate that by 1987 Winston had reached his pinnacle of 3 different harlots a day. Winston would have been 22 years old and I think I am making more than enough of a modest estimate. The man is 6’7” and carries the nickname “Steady Bee” who wouldn’t want to have sloppy seconds or thirds sex with that?

4 years, annual growth of an additional 1.3125x women a week –

In 1982, Winston Bennett had sex with 208 different women.

In 1983, Winston Bennett had sex with 273 different women.

1984, Winston Bennett had sex with 546 women.

1985, Winston Bennett had sex with 819 women.

1986, Winston Bennett had sex with 1092 women.

AHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHHHHHHHH!!!!! I LOVE BEING ALIVE!!!!

And since 52 weeks a year x 7 days = 364 days and there are 365 days a year, we’ll just say that 1987 was when Winston finally began having sex with 1095 or 3 women a day for the full year.

Let’s continue this idea; Winston Bennett had sex with 1095 women in both 1987 and in 1988. Most would assume that Winston’s average of 3 women a day definitely went up when he was playing professional basketball in Italy in 1988. We all know how those hairy European chicks love to bone black guys who play ball from Kentucky. But I will keep these estimates of 3 a day at 3 a day because that is the gospel from Sir Winston Bennett himself.

How does this compare to his stats in college? Winston played from 1983-1988 for the University of Kentucky – that is 5 years. Winston was there for the second half of 1983 and the first half of 1988. While at the University of Kentucky, I estimate Winston George Bennett III had sex with 4236 whores. INCREDIBLE!

Over the 5 seasons that Winston played at UK he played for a total of 133 games for 3713 minutes. So he had sex with 500 more women than minutes he played basketball in college. He did have to be red-shirted for one season which I would assume sucked for him as a basketball player, but I would definitely assume it didn’t stop him from having insane amounts of sex. While at Kentucky he scored 1399 points and grabbed 799 rebounds. Which means for basically every point scored on the court he “scored” with three different women off the court. Or at least we hope off the court. For every rebound he grabbed off the glass he put his penis inside 5.3 different women somewhere on this BEAUTIFUL PLANET!  

If we add it all up, before Winston Bennett played one second of professional basketball for the NBA – he had dogged the shit out of 5128 skanks.

In 1989, Winston Bennett got married to tried and true Peggy. Winston claims that he dropped his average of 90 women a month to 45 a month once married. Everyone has to make sacrifices. I’m not exactly sure when he got married in 1989, but let’s assume they coincide with the NBA for simplicity’s sake. Also, let’s assume that actually playing professional basketball for a professional basketball team in the NBA took up even a little bit of his time because apparently college, college basketball, European basketball and high school basketball, graduating high school and so forth took up none of his time.

At an average of 45 tramps a month for 12 months = 540 hussies.

Winston played in the NBA for 3 years x 540 jezebels = 1620 unbelievable females.

How does this compare to Winston Bennett’s NBA stats? Winston played in 136 games for 2157 minutes. He scored 648 points and 414 rebounds. If we do some division – for every professional basketball point that Winston Bennett scored in a professional basketball game he had sex with 2.5 women. I guess he threw some technically dwarf women in there for the smell of it.

Winston’s most active season was 1989-1990. He played 55 games, scored 338 points, and grabbed 188 rebounds. This means technically that on the 55 days that Winston Bennett played professional basketball he averaged 18 minutes played, 6.1 points and 3.4 rebounds. Meanwhile, on those same 55 days he had sex with about 81.4 women. For every 12 minutes that Winston Bennett actually did his professional job in the NBA that actually can be counted Winston had sex with a different woman. AHHHH!!! This is all so crazy.

So crazy amazing! Oh man! He is the greatest man ever!

I LOVE YOU, WINSTON BENNETT!

Also, if you are wondering – Winston Bennett does admit he had no sliding scale of beauty or looks or anything for the women he had sex with. He just had sex with everything. That right there is a humanitarian. Do you know how many women can say that they had sex with a professional athlete regardless of how much money they made, how fat they are, how ugly they may be, how stupid they are, how completely ridiculous they are —–?????? Oh wait, I do know – 1620!!! HAHAHAHAHAH and that’s just during the actual years he was playing professional basketball!

Just in this stretch of time from junior year of high school to his final season in the NBA, Winston George Bennett III had sex with an estimated 6748 different women.

SIX THOUSAND, SEVEN HUNDRED AND FORTY EIGHT LOVELY WOMEN!

I LOVE AMERICA!

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