Let’s start this story where all stories should start – Me.

I was sitting at home, eating dinner and casually forcing my parents to watch The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia because that is what I do. I “force” people to watch movies that will only make their lives a million times better. Sue me. When the movie ended, I got up to go to the bathroom to expel urine or some sort of waste from one of the two holes on the lower half of my body that accomplishes said tasks. I returned to find the TV had been, in a word, hijacked. Hijacked for the Grammys.

After I verbally abused my kinsmen for such disgusting mutiny, I then passive aggressively watched the next hour of the Grammys. I hate the Grammys. I always have and this year didn’t change anything. Who is nominated, I wouldn’t nominate. Who wins from those nominations, I would never give the award to based on those previous stupid nominations. I disagree with the event in its entirety.

I will skip past the Eminem/Dr. Dre/Rhiana performance, which might as well have been them performing “Too Legit To Quit” (which would have been 1000x better) because that damn song of theirs sounds like it was from forever ago. They performed that same song on the VMAs which were I think back in September. How behind are the Grammys? Jay-Z and Alicia Keyes’ song “Empire State of Mind” was nominated for something as well. Didn’t that song come out two years ago?! Let’s skip past the bad Mick Jagger performance and everything until we get to the now infamous Best New Artist category… dunh DunH DUNH!

The nominees were Drake, Mumford and Sons, Florence & the Machine, someone named Esperanza Spalding, and international boy toy Justin Bieber.

Clearly, you can guess who won? Is it really a question at this point who would win in this situation? All the Grammys are are a mass of pop artists and no one is a bigger pop artist than Justin Bieber. He is everywhere, he has a movie out, he is the current topic of every dream of every 12-16 year old girl and a lot of boys, after 16 he drops to about half of the dream topics until you reach mid-20’s, and then half of that for every 5 years after 25 and then shoots up back to 50% for women between 40-50 and then to finally close to 0% after 50, he accounts for 2% of Twitter traffic at any given moment, he did a guest appearance on every TV show last week to promote that damn movie, he’s in commercials, he is on the cover of magazines, and basically the media is trying to mentally force fuck our brains with this 5’3″ Canadian mop topped jailbait at all given moments during the day.

So who won?

JUST- …

ESPERANZA SPALDING!

This bitch! This jazzy bitch! This well… she doesn’t seem like a bitch at all. Her creamy cafe latte skin put a hex on those critics! Her wild afro of sexual prowess confused their brains! This evil, or perfectly nice lady with the legs and feet and pretty smile, temptress voodoo cursed the already simple minded Grammy folks and now they have forsaken this one and only category that was perfectly set-up for one and only one person to win and that, of course, is a little fella from the great white north that puts the smiles on the faces of all the 15 year old ladies, Justin Bieber.

BIEBER WAS ROBBED!

Seriously, look at this kid. The Biebs is giving the reverse Peace sign, which does not mean he likes war, it actually means double the amount of peace. That’s what the fuck this kid is about. DOUBLE PEACE! That is just science. What is Esperanza Spalding about? She likes and plays jazz music. That’s one thing we know. She likes to be apart of international conspiracies to rob the teenagers of this world the only thing they could have possibly asked for for Christmas and that was a Justin Bieber Grammy for Best New Artist. We know that much. Is she a communist? Who isn’t these days? Right?! The President is supposedly a communist. If a smart man like Barack Obama could get roped into this communism, are we saying that the pinko commies are not smart enough to allure Esperanza Spalding? Yeah, I didn’t fucking think so!

What do we really know about this cellist succubus? She has soft lips like silk pillows? I’m guessing so. It looks like it. It really really looks like it. Her eyes penetrate into my soul making me want to terrible things to barely legal Canadian boys in her honor as to appease her like some Egyptian queen. AHHHH!!! SHE HAS ME UNDER HER SPELLS! IT IS ALL HER TRICKS!!! HER JAZZ TRICKS!

Finally! Thank you, Justin Bieber, for breaking that pretty lady witch’s sorcery. Here is Justin Bieber and Usher. I think we all know what I think of Usher – he is a national treasure. So much of a national treasure than Nicolas Cage should be hunting for Usher around the globe to solve some riddle regarding the founding fathers and the future destiny of mankind. I believe Usher is hiding a secret fortune of riches on him at all times. What are those riches? His friendship. And he shares that friendship with Justin Bieber. So… FUCKING BOOM! BOOM FUCKING BOOM! Are you telling me that a friend of other national treasures like Arnold Schwarzengger wouldn’t be a friend of yours? Are you telling me that you would like cross at a man like Sven Ole Thorsen? ARE YOU?! ARE YOU ESPERANZA SPALDING?!

Look at it this way –

A national treasure (Usher and/or Arnold Schwarzenegger)

is friends with someone (16 year old international pop sensation Justin Bieber and/or Danish actor, stuntman, bodybuilder, athlete and former World’s Strongest Man Sven-Ole Thorsen)

and wouldn’t you want to be friends with that person regardless of knowing anything else about them?

That person has to be a great person because national treasures only consort with other potential national treasures.

I just feel like I have to defend this Justin Bieber kid for two reasons:

1. He’s a 5’3″, 16 year old, pop star from Canada. He can’t defend himself. One thing makes him weaker than the next. There are some strong 5’3″ people out there, but they’re also not 16 and pop stars nor are they Canadian. He isn’t built for confrontations.

2. Who else will?

I feel like I’m all alone on this. I mean is there anyone else out there with the balls to take on the Grammys? Seriously, they are just too strong of an institution that they have probably all the governments of the world humming to their Esperanza Spalding tune. I heard that the riots in Egypt were because the Grammys wished for them to happen. And then they blew on a fallen eye lash and Mubarak resigned. You know that type of shit happens when the Grammys are involved. I heard the Grammys stopped production on Crystal Clear Pepsi and pulled the plug on The Wire. I heard they killed the Archduke Ferdinand and made Cameron Diaz annoying. I heard they boiled a kitten’s whiskers and made Dave Chappelle crazy. I heard they danced naked at sunrise, which created the Spiderman Broadway musical. And I believe last night, they stored all happy tears of a generation of young girls and confused middle age women and spread them over the remains of smashed Justin Timberlake CDs and cursed Justin Bieber into not winning Best New Artist.

If you’re thinking to yourself – maybe the Grammys like Jazz? First –

THEY HATE JAZZ!

Secondly, Milli Vanilli won a Best New Artist award, so why not Justin Bieber? It is just seems idiotic.

And now as this fine upstanding young man has had his rightful legs taken out from underneath him, others are kicking him in the ribs… like Yahoo:

This is what the Bieber wore last night. I’m not in love with it, but they gave him a D-. They gave him as close to failure as possible regarding these clothes. The only way to fail at wearing clothes is by not wearing them and he is fully clothed. But a D-? They are cowards attacking this fallen child! And if you’re curious if they gave everyone a D-…

This received a B. B?! This was a B in Yahoo’s mind. I’m pretty sure that this wouldn’t fly in a restaurant or a Rite Aid. What the fuck?! This is a B?! That is way beyond a passing grade. Not only is it passing, but that is an endorsement for others to attempt to wear clothes such as these. That is the insanity that the Grammys has brought upon our society. Not a rightful award for the child whose laughter has brought many happiness and whose falsetto half rapping has been the anthem for many in their pursuit of not giving up on finding a teenage boy of their own dreams. Meanwhile, this gets a fucking B.

If you’re wondering – Lady Gaga’s egg scored higher than Justin Bieber in a tux.

A pox! A pox on all your houses!

Lastly, let me say that Harry Nilsson’s classic “Best Friend” is the title of this post and is also appropriate for Justin Bieber the gentle soul American ally that he is. Here are the lyrics –

People let me tell you ’bout my best friend,
He’s a warm hearted person who’ll love me till the end.

People let me tell you bout my best friend,
He’s a one boy cuddly toy, my up, my down, my pride and joy.

People let me tell you ’bout him he’s so much fun
Whether we’re talkin’ man to man or whether we’re talking son to son.


Cause he’s my best friend.
Yes he’s my best friend.
(scat finish).*

*I wish all my posts could end with a scat finish.

Before we get to the post, aka insane ramblings, I need to recognize a tragic death that occurred last night: Shaq Vs. had its final episode. NOOOO!!!!! I feel completely empty inside now knowing I will have to wait so so so long until the NBA season starts (October) to see more of my beloved Shaquille O’Neal. In the final episode, Shaq faced off against Michael Phelps. Shaq is actually a great swimmer. The man can do anything. He effortlessly quoted Albert Einstein at one point in the episode. But that shouldn’t be a surprise for us who know him well; Shaq is the “Big Aristotle” (actual nickname). 

The title of the post is a Shaq quote, by the way. And here are a million others that are gold just like that one http://www.shaqquotes.com/ .

I think everyone has a running check list of things they want to see happen in their life. The first few off the top of my head: the Pittsburgh Steelers go undefeated until the elephant apocalypse, the creation of an annual event “KSWI Jordan-Con” (like Comic-Con, but with more orgies involving me), a real fight between a samurai and a ninja, a functional lightsaber, Lindsay Lohan pull her life back together am I right? For serious guys, it is such a sad story of a young girl being blah blah blah blah blah. Remember when she was hot? I do. Everyone saw Mean Girls and those pictures of her as Marilyn Monroe, wow. She wanted it back then. Anyway…

I also want to see Lebron James and Shaquille O’Neal win the NBA Championship title this season.

Afterwards, I want Shaq to retire and proceed to have the greatest television entertainment career of all time. I want him to start a show called “Shaq-Fu” (not about the autobiographical videogame for Sega Genesis). Shaquille will just literally walk the Earth going from town to town solving problems and getting involved in crazy hi-jinks. A camera crew will be with him 24/7 taping everything and it will air on the Shaquille O’Neal television channel and stream on the internet.

Or Shaq could just have carte blanche and appear on any reality show whenever he feels like it. You’re watching Ice Road Truckers one week and BAM Shaquille O’Neal is there and guess what? He is driving a truck. No need to ask why or if he should even be allowed to do it because it is apparently the most dangerous thing ever. He is MF-ing Shaq, let him do his thing. I can’t think of a single show this would not work with. American Idol + Shaq? Survivor + Shaq? Top Chef + Shaq? The Ultimate Fighter + Shaq? America’s Next Top Model + Shaq? I would need a hundred DVRs to keep up.

I know “We’re girls. We don’t care about Shaq. We didn’t come here to read about Shaq. Stop talking about Shaq!”

Since I haven’t seen a Runaways trailer yet, I have to go back to the well that is Twilight. Coincidentally, a new New Moon trailer came out this week. Actually, that is no coincidence. I saw the trailer thought I might as well write about it, since I wrote about the last one. So with those stars aligning, I thought the most reasonable thing to do was to write about Sigmund Freud’s three theoretical functions of the mind and the new trailer. Perfectly reasonable. Tomorrow, I’ll talk about the trailer in regards to everything else that isn’t “id, ego, and super ego” involved. Let’s get our learn on.

Id, Ego, Super Ego

I thought of a joke, but I’m not sure how I would even write it that it would make sense. Pretty much I was thinking “I’d lego my super ego if I were you.” You would pronounce the “ego” as “eggo” like you were British or were referring to an Eggo Waffle. And then, instead of “id” it would be “I’d” which looks like “id”. So it would be id, ego and super ego all in one sentence and at the same time it would be a pop-culture reference from a 100 years ago. Get it? I’m nuts. You all have come to that realization, correct? Problem is I’m not sure I can blame the blog. Anyway, Sigmund Freud…

 

I love Sigmund Freud. Big fan. One of his best thought brain things was the id, ego and super ego. These are the three facets that make up… well us, our mental being. What we want to do, what we do, how we go about doing it, why we do it and all of our decisions are because of the relation between the three. The id is base. It is our instincts. The id is our most primal desires and urges. The super ego is moral. The super ego is learned. It is our definition of perfect. The ego is the cross-section of the two. It is the sexy part of a Venn diagram. When the id and super ego compromise we have our ego.

We are born with an id. As a living thing we have a purpose. As an animal we have desires. Our id is what drives us. It is what wants pleasure. It is what gets angry. It is what comes out when you have 3 or 4 Long Island Iced Teas and no dinner (lunch or breakfast as well depending on how early you start drinking). We spend most of our lives suppressing our id. It is hard to live within the constraints of society if you just let your id roam wild. Do you want to guillotine choke that old woman who made a left turn from the right lane? Sure. Sure as fuck your id does. But you stop yourself. This suppression is from your super ego. Listening to your id would be all the fun, but it would also get you killed or thrown in jail.

The super ego is all of societal laws, moral values, ethical behaviors et cetera. The super ego keeps you striving to be a “good person”. This is great and all, but it also makes you feel shame about what your id keeps whispering for you to do and if/when you do it. The suppression of your id from your super ego can be a road map for all your mental problems, all your social hang-ups, all your self-defense mechanisms, maybe the reason why you walk funny (behavioral ticks). Who knows? This back and forth between your id and super ego are what create your ego which is who you are.

The ego is the mediator between the two warring factions. The ego is the composite of both sides. The ego is where green, purple and orange live. The ego does seem to side more with the id more than the super ego. Let’s say you want to eat an entire bag of Tostitos chips with an entire jar of nacho cheese. You don’t. Or at least you hope you don’t. But you have some to satiate the undying desire to eat an entire bag. Also, you may have a break down at some point and your id will have you forego the chips and you’ll just be plunging your claw hand into the jar scooping out hunks of room temperature microwaveable cheese. So you give into your desire enough that you keep living in some relevant sanity.

Personally, this blog is a good example. As mentioned, my crazy seeps from my fingers tips. My writing is my id and the backspace key is where my superego gets some of the say. Believe me there is a lot that gets deleted. When I finally hit the “publish” button is my ego. It is the compromise. But enough about me, right? No one is here to read about me.

In the trailer for New Moon, I think all three aspects of Fake-Kristen Stewart’s (I’m not calling any of them by their character names. “Fake-____ “ is how I’ll refer to them) psyche are on display. The id is the adrenaline junction section of the trailer. I’m not sure the most well thought out plan to get a vampire’s attention is to jump off a cliff and nearly drown in stormy waters. And even less of a great plan is to get his attention shakily riding a motorcycle because he ain’t coming back if you just sprain your ankle. She wasn’t driving the thing into highway traffic; she was on a deserted road. Nevertheless, I get it. She thinks he will save her so she is willing to nearly kill herself for that to happen. That is stupidity; that is her id.

Also, I don’t know how he is even supposed to know she is in danger. He left didn’t he? Is someone supposed to call him on his cell? Does she leave a note at the scene of each tenuous suicide attempt with Fake-Rob’s cell phone number just in case a random passerby stops? “Uh, is this the vampire?” “Yes, speaking.” “There is a chick who wants it and she is drowning. Can you come and get her? Are vampires good swimmers? I never knew that.” “We kind of broke up.” *click* Fake-Kristen isn’t thinking things through. She is just acting on instinct. She has a desire to get back her vamp and she’ll do anything to do it no matter how stupid it is. I’m guessing they have some sort of telepathic bond. Is that what I’m missing? He just knows she is in trouble? Bullshit.

The ego is who you are normally, when you are acting more or less sensible. A good example is when she runs from the Jamaican guy who can apparently BITCH-SLAP ENORMOUS WOLVES. I’d run from that guy. He dresses like a pimp, looks like a drug dealer, beats up wolves, and is a vampire. No means no and just fucking run away. Maybe he’ll get tired of smacking around wolves that he’ll forget all about your white ass. Outside of that, Fake-Kristen’s ego is present when she is doing nothing in particular dramatic like riding in a car, talking to people, going to school et cetera. What happened to school by the way? The first movie they played baseball and went to class and hung out a lot in the parking lot. Now it went all Lord of the Rings. What is that Rome? There are castles, parades, mountains, Michael Sheen. Seriously, this is still the same movie as the first one, right? There wasn’t a Twilight 1.5 where they relocated to Middle Earth?

The super ego…? Is there are a part of the trailer where Fake-Kristen questions what the fuck she is doing dating a vampire? That would be the super ego section. Whatever second she actually pauses and thinks to herself maybe I shouldn’t date a mystical immortal fang-bearer who feeds on blood. That would be her super ego striving for sanity. There has to be a moment when she is being almost killed by other vampires where Fake-Kristen has a moment of clarity and says to herself on the inside “Uh… I may have fucked up going to prom with a vampire. He shimmers, he climbs trees, he’s all dark and broody, but I may die by murder by vampire if I keep on kissing face with this guy.” Those thoughts repressing her teenage hormones for blood sucking pillow talk is her super ego.

As for the real Kristen Stewart, she is a perfect example of the id and super ego comprising to make her ego. Kristen Stewart wants it. That is clear. Her wanting it is her id obviously. But you never see Kristen flipping out and attacking people or stealing things or using her want like Cyclops’ optic beam and laying waste to entire cities. This is because her super ego is restraining her. The ego, the compromise, is that Kristen Stewart wants it, but never acts on it. Her super ego keeps her in check so that she can make movies, go to awards shows, smoke pot in public and so forth. But the id still gets some of its way by Kristen looking like she wants it all the time each and every second of the day.

 

Kristen Stewart seems to be a lovely young woman who has a contagious smile, an innocent laugh, a quiet endearing personality and she wants it. Oh God does she want it. Sigmund Freud would have loved Kristen Stewart. Maybe more than he loved cocaine. Maybe more than he loved morbid thoughts and depression after World War I. He would have written volumes upon volumes of text trying to figure out what exactly “IT” is and why in Heaven’s name she wants “IT” that badly.

This could be a terrible idea. This could be a great idea. At the very least it will be a terribly great idea and you can “glass half full or half empty” judge for yourself. Regardless, this is too interesting and too wild of a proposition to pass up:

jordankswi@gmail.com

Last night, I had a moment of pause. It was in a commercial break, either during Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory or Jason “Mayhem” Miller’s Bully Beatdown, that I started to worry about the email address situation. I feel a need to preface the email situation as I did with the comments section – I will try to answer some questions/comments, but I will not answer them all. Frankly, I think there is a possibility that a couple of you will send an email that says “Tell me everything”. Fears aside, I am excited to see where the next stage of KSWI goes from here; now new and improved with an email address.

The mother of revolution and crime is Kristen Stewart’s want – I don’t Twitter. I don’t think Tyler Perry movies are funny. I don’t eat Chinese food with chopsticks. There are just things I don’t do. I had my own reservations about Twitter and felt purely negative towards it until the Iran protests and Shaquille O’Neal started his account. During the Iranian protests, the youth of Iran were using Twitter to give each other updates of where they should assemble and where cops were and so forth. That was an ingenious use of Twitter. I cannot fault any idea if it helps in the staging of a revolution. I feel as strongly about this as I cannot fault any idea that gives me more Shaquille O’Neal.

Shaq is the greatest. He does have a reality television show now called Shaq Vs., but he needs a real reality television show. He should have cameras following him around constantly on a live feed to some website or television station. He should talk to the cameramen and do whatever he feels like doing because it will be brilliant. I don’t watch Big Brother (although I have), but once Shaq retires I think CBS should shell out all the money and get him on Big Brother. I don’t think it needs to be a celebrity edition with him and B-level celebrities. I think it should be a group of normal people picked to be on Big Brother and then Shaq. The show is 100% the same. Same size beds/couches, same challenges, same bullshit, but now we have 4x NBA Champion Shaquille O’Neal.

Back to the point, I don’t twitter. Sorry. But I love that you are on Twitter arranging the order of the wives.

Does Rob know She wants it? – Yes. I really can’t think of a scenario where he doesn’t know she wants it. I was thinking “maybe if he was blind”, but the blind know Kristen Stewart wants it. The blind know K-Stew wants it in two ways:

1. Blind people have a 6th sense: Is it a 6th? Because one of their 5 is null and void. Do we count sight as one of their senses even though it doesn’t work? I guess this is more semantics than anything, but we are all well aware that once you lose one sense that the Heavens open up and grant you with a different sense in return. This sixth sense is almost like a spiritual radar. Kind of like in Japanese anime/manga guys can sense each others power levels, blind people can do the same. But they’re real bitchy about it so don’t try to talk a blind person into doing this magic trick for you.

2. It is cool for blind people to grope your face: It does not work out well when I ask if I can touch strangers’ faces, but for blind people it is a given. They just go around grabbing face all over this world. If a blind person encounters Kristen Stewart and they touch her face they will feel the want.

Also, intelligence will play no role as well. An animal with the smallest brain can sense when a hurricane or tsunami is coming and that is what Kristen Stewart is: a natural disaster of want. So Rob definitely knows she wants it. I think everybody knows that Kristen Stewart wants it if they take a single second to think about it. But does Rob tell Kristen that she wants it? Does Kristen Stewart know that she, herself, wants it? Does an insect that wanders onto an airplane understand that it is flying?

Am I a teacher? – I am not a licensed teacher, but I educate all I meet each and every day about Kristen Stewart wanting it and isn’t that better than just being a teacher? I’m not a teacher. I am college educated and was a Philosophy major among other things. If you enjoy the philosophical “stuff” expect more of it. Already, I am planning on doing posts on Kant and Aristotle.

Who is saying, or has said, there are too many tables??? – I don’t want to get into any trouble, but I’ve heard rumors.

Twilight: THE MOVIE – I have not really addressed Twilight on this site for several reasons. I think everyone expects me to mention it and me not mentioning for as long as possible is somewhat of a mission I am on. I realize I did talk about the sequel’s trailer and in doing so I talked a little bit about the original, but obviously there is more to say. The idea for this site was birthed from me watching Twilight one day. That will be a post unto itself for a later date, maybe next week.

Arrested Development – Big fan. I mentioned my propensity for not re-reading things I write so I couldn’t remember if I ever said that I was a big fan and loved the show and cannot wait for the movie.

Is there more than one person writing this site? – As much as I would want a person to help me at times coming up with ideas and so forth, it is just me. This morning when I was driving to work, I was thinking that it would be great if I continued writing this site to the prolific point that people question if there are numerous people assuming control of “Jordan”. As there are scholars who believe that Shakespeare accomplished so much in his time that there could be no possible way that it was only one man, I too want to be thought of as that. But there was only one Shakespeare. For the doubters who believe I may or may not be more than one person, I will ask you this question:

Is there more than one Kristen Stewart?

Ah-ha! Kristen Stewart’s want is so great that it is undeniable that her want far exceeds the abilities of one person. But you do not question if there are numerous Kristen Stewarts and that is why she appears to be wanting it in all photos all the time because when one Kristen Stewart is burned out of her want they simply replace her like a Kristen Stewart Duracell battery of want. Each one of them only having a lifespan of 3 years before they slowly break down and die and when that happens the next Kristen Stewart is awakened from a cryogenic sleep state. There is no overlap as the previous KS clone is gassed and the new one takes over the wanting it responsibilities without any knowledge of the other clones. Did I just ruin one of the better movies of this year? Hmmmm….

 

I’m one guy. Kristen is one girl. Shakespeare is dead. Kristen Stewart wants it. Have a good weekend.

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