Snowpocalypse

December 27, 2010

There was some snow that hit the Northeast.

By “some”, I mean at least 3 – 4 feet of it.

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Before anyone says “White Christmas”, it is actually a “White Kwanzaa” or “White Boxing Day” because there was no snow on the 25th.

As for Christmas, it was a good time.

It was a pretty typical Christmas. I’m not sure what Christmas traditions every one else has, but the same thing happen on Christmas every year since I can remember. Really early in the morning on Christmas, some asshole fat man breaks into my house and leaves all these stolen items around our Christmas tree. He is dressed like a pimp all in red with white fur trim, a stocking cap, knee high leather boots. It’s sincerely amazing the police have never caught this guy considering they know exactly what he looks like and exactly when he will strike. He’s also morbidly obese. I’m not sure how he is so sneaky at that weight, but he slips in and out of this house with the greatest of ease. Even crazier is that I’ve moved recently, so he must have been tracking me throughout the year.

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Usually, the day or second day after Christmas, I take all those items that fat pimp left in my house down to the local police precinct. It’s a real hassle to go through all the paper work of cataloging each item and making a flier and stolen report to hopefully find who these items belong to. The cops are not helpful either. They usually laugh and tell me to just keep the items because who would even know about them if I didn’t bring them to the precinct. I then tell them they have no concept of justice and I’m usually thrown out.

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Most of the items were dress clothes that were exactly my size. I won’t lie and say I couldn’t use these dress clothes. I’m not sure how many people out there are exactly my size and need new dress pants, shirts, ties, and belts. Knowing that I could use these items and that I’m not moving anywhere anytime soon because it is the snowpocalypse outside – imagine Waterworld with “snow” instead of “water” and just as religious.

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Outside of that, I saw True Grit.

I loved True Grit. The past two movies I saw in theaters were Black Swan and True Grit and I think both had the two best actresses of the year in them. I would give Natalie Portman the Oscar, but Hailee Steinfeld definitely deserves an Oscar nomination. She was excellent as the hard headed and oddly well educated Mattie Ross. She more than held her own with Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, Barry Pepper and Josh Brolin. I love Westerns and the action, but the dialogue in this movie is just magnificent. If cowboys spoke olde English and were written for by Aaron Sorkin.

One more thought concerning Hailee Steinfeld: to all the 14 or so year old boys out there…

Lock it up.

That’s right. Get on that while you can. This girl is going to be famous and in big movies. This is a big movie and she’ll be in more. There should be a chance she gets nominated for an Oscar.

I’m speaking to all the 14 or so year old boys who have some interaction with Hailee Steinfeld… go for it.

I’m not sure what you are waiting for or what you think you would like later in life, but I’m pretty sure if you have a shot with Hailee Steinfeld now and don’t go for it then you’ll regret it most of your life. The rest of your life will be in a dementia haze and you’ll forget everything including your one shot at happiness in locking down Hailee Steinfeld right now.

Clearly, she is talented. Much more talented than just some Disney kid. She shows great range, an ability to handle complex dialogue and goes toe-to-toe with a few great actors meanwhile being directed by one of the best.

She’s a cute kid too. In the movie, they keep saying she’s ugly, but that’s Hollywood bullshit. It’s like in the Harry Potter movies how everyone keeps saying that Emma Watson is homely. Her? Are you people fucking blind? So to you 14 year old boys, she’s cute now, which means there is a great chance she’ll be great looking in a few years when she’s legal in all 50 states.

So, I’m just saying – you’re fucking up if you don’t try and lock it down with Hailee Steinfeld by giving her a “promise ring” or something for New Years because she’s going to be crazy famous and gone from your pathetic life by Summer.

Lock it up.

Yeah, whatever “Lao Tzu”. More like Lao “Tz-on’t”, am I right?

Oh, my lovely commenters.

Oh my lovely commenters and your complete lack of frame of reference. Oh my lovely commenters and your knee jerk reactions without any experience with the subject matter at hand. Oh my lovely commenters.

SEVENTEEN and a half MOTHERFUCKING INCHES of SNOW

The above sentences are mostly directed towards the commenters who said they have never dealt with snow before and in that non-experience with snow they feel they have the right to criticize me and my woes with said snow. Partly the comments are directed towards the ones who have dealt with snow and fail to remember that snow begets shoveling. It also begets digging your car out of the snow. When one is near cars stuck in the snow and one is a MAN that one has to dig that fucking car out of the snow as well. This is part of the social contract.

I spent my day yesterday freeing three cars from 17.5 inches of snow. And with 17.5 inches of snow, there is only more snow on top of that because snow plows clear the streets of snow by dumping that snow on the cars on the side of those streets. Take 17.5 inches and add at least another foot of snow on top of that. Also, add in winds, rain, icy rain, and ice.

The snow in my pictures from yesterday that you delightfully scorned for not being more, were all taken at about noon. It did not stop snowing until 10 pm or so. At a rate of at least 2 inches of snow an hour, it was a ton of fucking snow. And I don’t want to hear that people have dealt with more snow than that. Yeah, so have I. But 17.5 inches of snow is a lot of fucking snow even for people who live in snow. I guess I’m referring to Eskimos or Canadians or the people of Hoth. Either way, 17.5 inches of snow is a lot of snow for anyone.

Since, I apparently need to hand feed you the reference material one would need to understand 17.5 inches of anything* is way too much of that thing – here we go:

Kristen Stewart wants it. Had to be said.

Here is Kristen Stewart wanting it. As far as I can find on the internet, Kristen is 5’5”. That is 65 inches tall. The snow was 17.5 inches. That is about 27% of Kristen Stewart. That is 27% of Kristen Stewart’s want covered in a white*, thick*, heavy*, and cold material. That is more than a quarter of Kristen Stewart’s frail, delicate and thin, yet full of want body covered in snow.

But these are just lines and not snow. These are just markings and not the actual formidable foe.

On the left is Kristen Stewart wanting it. On the right is also Kristen Stewart wanting it. The difference is 17.5 inches of MOTHERFUCKING EVIL SNOW suffocating the very life out of her legs.

Now, Kristen Stewart wants it. She wants it hard. She wants it bad. And her want is a beacon of light that can be seen from space like the Great Wall of China. Kristen Stewart can raise her own body temperature to a nuclear explosion level and could melt all the snow in one burst of indescribable heat. Kristen Stewart can want the snow to divide into a path in front of her so she can walk undisturbed. Kristen Stewart can want it so bad she can cause herself to levitate above the snow and propel herself to whichever destination she chooses. Kristen Stewart’s want can reposition the Sun. Kristen can control the Sun’s light with her want to act as a laser to surgically melt the snow. Kristen Stewart can simply want the snow to not exist and it won’t.

Problem is – you and I are not Kristen Stewart. Unless you actually are Kristen Stewart. I’m still crossing my fingers for that possibility.

Here is the scenario of you in that 17.5 inches of snow and not Kristen Stewart. You take one step into the snow. The snow encompasses your leg at least to the knee. You take a second step into the snow. The snow encompasses that leg at least to the knee. This next plot point can happen anywhere between your 3rd step and your 6th step and trust me it will happen: you fall face first into the snow. The snow encompasses your whole body. Your screams for help are muffled by the snow. You try to struggle. The snow is too powerful. You are exhausted. You accept your fate. You die in the snow. I’m just saying, that’s what happens in the snow. Still sound fun?

If you cannot grasp the snow idea then –

Kristen Stewart wants it. Kristen Stewart wants it in 17.5 inches of sand. I think this is a decent comparison for people who have never dealt with snow. Sand is coarser than snow, but snow has more unity. Sand is always sand. Snow flakes join together to create greater snow. Imagine the robots from Voltron or Power Rangers or VR Troopers or whatever. The robots separately are dangerous opponents. But we all know, once they form as one they are unstoppable. That is snow. That is snow on a much more elaborate and electronic intensive scale that involves space aliens, laser rifles, giant swords, and probably an insane amount of fuel to run those robots. Did they ever explain what those robots ran on? If it was gas then they may be saving us from a giant alien attack, but they are also shooting up the carbon emissions by a billion – similar to Nascar or any car racing… except car racing doesn’t save us from aliens. Car racing just wastes my time with needless updates on Sportscenter.

So remember – SNOW KILLS!
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Actually, snow isn’t too bad.

Snow isn’t bad if you’re a kid and you are not expected to shovel. You just run around in it. Throwing it at other kids. Make snowmen. Go sledding. And other stuff. Snow is great when you are not forced to dig cars out of it because people drive convertibles that are only a couple inches off the ground. Snow is great when you are not forced to dig cars out that do not have four wheel drive and are actually back wheel drive. Snow is great except when you finish digging out your car that is an SUV with four wheel drive and you know you still need to dig out other peoples’ cars who do not have SUVs with four wheel drive.

Snow is fun when you’re a kid. Snow is fun I’m guessing if you have kids who are having fun in the snow. And as most things are in life, snow is fun when you are in college. Why? Because everything is fun when you are drunk and everyone around you is also drunk and that continues for at least 4 years. The last fun snow day I had was in college, as far as I can remember.

Sophomore year was a bad winter for Philadelphia. Feet of snow. “Feet” as in a plural amount of “foot” of snow was dropped on Philadelphia. I did not live on campus anymore, but my friends and I lived in an apartment building only 3 blocks or so from campus. The campus is a “wet” campus. And by “wet” I mean constant orgies. Or I mean that alcohol is allowed on campus. One or the other. And both. Actually, only one of them. Probably the alcohol one. If I had to guess.

We took a cooler full of beer and walked it the few blocks to campus. There is a hill on campus that leads down to the track/soccer field. This hill was populated by the majority of the freshmen class when we arrived. They had cleverly ransacked the school cafeteria for plastic serving trays and were now using them as sleds. It was quite the scene. Easily, a couple hundred 18 year olds bombing down this hill on cafeteria trays or whatever make shift sleds they had built. Don’t underestimate the active imagination of youth and their goal to have reckless fun.

We were seasoned collegiate veterans as sophomores and we watched while drinking shit beer. Probably Milwaukee’s Best aka Beast. We were classy individuals back then. Some of my friends partook in the sledding as well. One must mingle with the natives. And as any Jesuit University should have, some Jesuits showed up. The Jezzies lived on campus and made the walk over to spy on the free spirited youth as well. Sadly, they did not do any sledding of their own. That would have been very memorable.

After a little while, the sledding became much more aggressive. It became a competition of craziness. Kids were now trading in their cafeteria tray sleds for trash cans. Oh how safe the trash can is when free falling down a snow covered hill. I was thoroughly shocked that no one was severely injured because it wasn’t just one time down the hill in the trashcan – it was like 10 times down the hill in the breaking trashcan. Trashcans are not designed to be vehicles for speedy deployment down icy angular walls. They were more or less tempting God to break their necks. Maybe the presence of the Jesuits was what saved them. Or they were so drunk and high they just went limp when smacking into the snow and rebounded like a cat that was drunk and high.

And for full disclosure, some of the sledding became a little pornographic. I’m just going to say there was a series of sledding trips down the hill which involved a man humping a woman from behind as they traversed the snowy tundra. And yes, the Jesuits were witness to that. Ahhh, youth.

Cafeteria trays, beds, trashcans, beer coolers, and anything else a person can hold onto while momentum and gravity propels them at great velocity down a hill was used in a never ending circus variety. It was fun. It was light hearted and spirited. It was a good day in the snow. But that day was not yesterday.

So seek out snow. Seek it out and have fun in it. People should see the oceans, people should see the mountains, people should see the forests, people should see the deserts, people should see the heavenly light of Kristen Stewart’s want shining the glory of an eternal hallelujah on us all and people should see snow. But do not linger. Do not linger when snow is around. If you linger too long you will be co-opted into shoveling. And shoveling is the worst.

Kristen Stewart is a classic beauty. And sometimes her want makes her do weird things.

Questions for Friday…

Yes, indeed it is closed. Especially, New Jersey. Especially, where I am stuck in New Jersey.

Where am I “stuck”? My parents’ house. What started as a family dinner is now a hostage situation. (sounds like every family dinner at my house *wah wah*)

I’m not going to write 2000 words about something sitting at my family computer, but I will upload some pictures of my morning which started promptly around 11 am. No work means I force myself to stay asleep even if my childhood bed is less comfortable than a torture rack nowadays.

So all days should start with a breakfast of champions. Remember I’m no “Stupid Dad”. I’m neither a “Dad” or “Stupid” and I meant that I can make…

Eggs! Ahhh yes, eggs! Breakfast of Champions some may say.

Here is my little helper aka “the dog that whines the entire time I am trying to cook because she wants whatever food I’m having regardless of the fact that she has no idea what I’m cooking because she is way too short to see what is happening on the countertop”.

Once the bag of cheese is opened, two more “helpers” emerge.

Final product. And it is now in my belly. – Also disgustingly enough that is a good “That’s what she said”. I am a slave to my craft.

Outside snow beasts await.

One lurks at the bottom of the steps anticipating my every move.

The Wilderness!

The Grill!

The snow fights back against this little tyrant. It is trying to consume her – assimilate her. It begins with the legs and is slowly turning her into an ice statue like in Narnia, obviously.

She is the snow’s greatest foe. She consumes the snow like an insatiable goliath.

She stalks me as I shovel waiting to pounce on every clump of snow that I throw into the air. There is problems in this plan. She has little patience like her master and in that her impatience causes her to lunge to quickly when the snow has yet to be released from thy shovel and then she gets clipped by the shovel. Her appetite for snow makes me a dog beater.

Hold

HOLD

I said HOLD!

ATTACK FOR SCOTLAND! KILL THE BRITISH SNOW! FOR FFFFRRRRREEEEEDDDDDOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!

My handiwork. The first dog won’t be on the snow nor will she walk through it, so this is her piss and poop path.

And clean steps! I know what a miraculous creature I am. Eggs and shoveling! And then eloquent words!

I did lose electricity for a couple hours. It is back now. The snow is coming down at least 2 inches an hour, am I right? Everything I shoveled is easily covered by half a foot of snow by now. Go me.

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