Snowpocalypse

December 27, 2010

There was some snow that hit the Northeast.

By “some”, I mean at least 3 – 4 feet of it.

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Before anyone says “White Christmas”, it is actually a “White Kwanzaa” or “White Boxing Day” because there was no snow on the 25th.

As for Christmas, it was a good time.

It was a pretty typical Christmas. I’m not sure what Christmas traditions every one else has, but the same thing happen on Christmas every year since I can remember. Really early in the morning on Christmas, some asshole fat man breaks into my house and leaves all these stolen items around our Christmas tree. He is dressed like a pimp all in red with white fur trim, a stocking cap, knee high leather boots. It’s sincerely amazing the police have never caught this guy considering they know exactly what he looks like and exactly when he will strike. He’s also morbidly obese. I’m not sure how he is so sneaky at that weight, but he slips in and out of this house with the greatest of ease. Even crazier is that I’ve moved recently, so he must have been tracking me throughout the year.

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Usually, the day or second day after Christmas, I take all those items that fat pimp left in my house down to the local police precinct. It’s a real hassle to go through all the paper work of cataloging each item and making a flier and stolen report to hopefully find who these items belong to. The cops are not helpful either. They usually laugh and tell me to just keep the items because who would even know about them if I didn’t bring them to the precinct. I then tell them they have no concept of justice and I’m usually thrown out.

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Most of the items were dress clothes that were exactly my size. I won’t lie and say I couldn’t use these dress clothes. I’m not sure how many people out there are exactly my size and need new dress pants, shirts, ties, and belts. Knowing that I could use these items and that I’m not moving anywhere anytime soon because it is the snowpocalypse outside – imagine Waterworld with “snow” instead of “water” and just as religious.

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Outside of that, I saw True Grit.

I loved True Grit. The past two movies I saw in theaters were Black Swan and True Grit and I think both had the two best actresses of the year in them. I would give Natalie Portman the Oscar, but Hailee Steinfeld definitely deserves an Oscar nomination. She was excellent as the hard headed and oddly well educated Mattie Ross. She more than held her own with Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, Barry Pepper and Josh Brolin. I love Westerns and the action, but the dialogue in this movie is just magnificent. If cowboys spoke olde English and were written for by Aaron Sorkin.

One more thought concerning Hailee Steinfeld: to all the 14 or so year old boys out there…

Lock it up.

That’s right. Get on that while you can. This girl is going to be famous and in big movies. This is a big movie and she’ll be in more. There should be a chance she gets nominated for an Oscar.

I’m speaking to all the 14 or so year old boys who have some interaction with Hailee Steinfeld… go for it.

I’m not sure what you are waiting for or what you think you would like later in life, but I’m pretty sure if you have a shot with Hailee Steinfeld now and don’t go for it then you’ll regret it most of your life. The rest of your life will be in a dementia haze and you’ll forget everything including your one shot at happiness in locking down Hailee Steinfeld right now.

Clearly, she is talented. Much more talented than just some Disney kid. She shows great range, an ability to handle complex dialogue and goes toe-to-toe with a few great actors meanwhile being directed by one of the best.

She’s a cute kid too. In the movie, they keep saying she’s ugly, but that’s Hollywood bullshit. It’s like in the Harry Potter movies how everyone keeps saying that Emma Watson is homely. Her? Are you people fucking blind? So to you 14 year old boys, she’s cute now, which means there is a great chance she’ll be great looking in a few years when she’s legal in all 50 states.

So, I’m just saying – you’re fucking up if you don’t try and lock it down with Hailee Steinfeld by giving her a “promise ring” or something for New Years because she’s going to be crazy famous and gone from your pathetic life by Summer.

Lock it up.

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