I have not been on a computer in 24 hours so, I’m warning you now, I am feeling aggressive.

I WEAR SUITS!

Yeah, I said it. I wear suits. I wear them. I wear a lot of suits. I’m not talking about “birthday” suits or “swim” suits. I am talking about man suits; the ones with the jacket, pants, tie and buttons. I’m wearing one right now. I have a whole closet full of man suits from the Men’s Warehouse in my closet. It stinks of fine wool, cologne and sweat. If your mind has not already suffered battle damage from this revelation then how about this… I’m wearing a pink shirt!

BOOM! That just happened! Is your mind blown to bits? I feel like I may lose some readers today because of my hostility concerning what clothes I’m wearing this Thursday, but sometimes vetting is needed. If you can’t handle the fact that I’m wearing a black pin-stripe suit, a pink shirt and a pink paisley tie then you need to move on. This website isn’t for you.

Shit like this is going to happen. On some afternoon, you may clickety-click over to Kristen Stewart Wants IT and you are hit with a sledgehammer of knowledge that I am wearing a pink shirt and a suit and today is that motherfucking day. It may be too much for some to handle. I never said reading Kristen Stewart Wants IT would be all fun and games. Sometimes real world issues like me wearing a pink shirt and a pink tie are going to sneak in like a ninja and cut “fun and games’” head clean off. I wish I could say I was sorry, but I can’t. That is how KSWI rolls; that is how I roll.

I had two thoughts about me posting a picture of what I’m wearing today:

1. What if one of you recognizes me from what I’m wearing? I wrote last week that if any of you can track me down from these clues – Jordan, Steelers’ fan, currently wearing a black suit and pink shirt – then more power to you. I fully believe in giving credit where credit is due and in that case you deserve to have your attempt at chloroforming me and then locking me up in your sex dungeon. Death by Snoo Snoo. Also, I really doubt anyone at my job reads this website. The only other people who saw me today were the people at Dunkin’ Donuts for the morning coffee – KSWI runs on Dunkin’. Of those people, you are either the severely obese man who ordered every donut and made me question what I’m doing with my life that I may end up like him, but he seemed perfectly content in his sleeveless t-shirt and jean shorts eating the new toffee donut, so I felt comfortable again in the DDs. Or you are the elderly man who ordered the exact same breakfast sandwich and coffee I did and when the “chef” called out the food was ready we both reached for the bag and locked eyes thinking the exact same thought: “are we soulmates or is this a Highlander moment and now we must do battle until one of us is decapitated?”

2. Should I begin posting pictures of my suit/shirt/tie combinations regularly? I wouldn’t do this everyday, but maybe once a week. I’m not saying there wouldn’t be repeats. There will definitely be repeats. But there would be some diversity. How many suits do I own? 9. ka-fucking-blam. That is a question not only am I comfortable answering, but I will answer it will authority. A lot of personal questions that involve numerical answers can be embarrassing and/or intimidating. Once you start quantifying some “thing” about yourself you can get defensive. How much money do you make? How about you go fuck yourself? How is that for a question? Answer my question first about go fucking yourself. How many ice cream cones have you eaten in your life? A lot, Ok. What are you the “Ice Cream Cone Baron” all of a sudden? It is more than 50 and back off about me and my ice cream cone eating habits.

On Tuesday, I put up the first picture of Kristen Stewart and her mullet. I saw some derision in the comments section about Kristen and her mullet. I also said on Friday that I’m not the biggest fan of mullets. There is an ironic humor to mullets, but no one goes to the clubs looking to hook up with someone’s ironic sense of humor, believe me I know. On the other hand, Kristen Stewart wants it. She wants it always and forever and that includes her and that freakin’ mullet. I’m not saying that I will be adding Kristen avec mullet into my daily rotation of pictures of her wanting it, but safe to say I could.

Yeah, she wants it. Kristen Stewart is wanting IT more than any person ever with a mullet conceivably could. She has broken the “mullet wanting it” Richter scale. Yes, that means that in this picture you are currently experiencing a “mullet wanting it” earthquake. An off the charts earthquake involving an obscene amount of want and a purely obscene mullet. This picture will destroy city streets, shake your house off its foundation, and conceivably cause a rip in the time space continuum bringing the 80’s into the future where they rightfully belong.

Also, why is Kristen Stewart dressed like a Nascar driver? Did Joan Jett participate in stock car racing after the Runaways broke up? Is this what the end of the movie looks like because I may go see it now. I am on the fence about seeing it. If I’m still writing this website by then it might be an obligation to go see it, but if the movie ends with Joan Jett having an impromptu Nextel Cup run then I’ll see it. That is a plot twist that I would not see coming.

Also, Also, Kristen’s pants are undone in this picture which we all know means she is pregnant or Joan Jett is pregnant. She is a pregnant Nascar driver who wants it. This movie is going to rock.

This is two pictures sandwiched together for you and she wants it in both. Kristen looks like she may have stumbled out of a drug rehab in these pictures, but she wants it. That rehab didn’t cure her addiction to wanting it. The first picture (we’re reading left to right, this isn’t Hebrew school, but what if it was? What an insanely messed up Hebrew school this would be?) Kristen’s want is intimidating. She’s wanting a hole right through you. You want to look away because her want is so powerful you dare not look at and because the mullet is off putting. But you can’t. You are caught in her gaze like a mulleted Medusa of want.

The second picture’s want is more innocent. It may be all the candy bars in the picture, but it looks like she is politely and with a child-like naivety is pointing and saying “I want it”. The store clerk is like “It? What do you want a 5th avenue bar?” Then she looks at him dead in the eye and says “I want it” and he sees the glory of the want and strips himself naked and leaves the story never to return forever. He will walk the deserts of this Earth kept warm during the day by the sun and kept warm at night by the memory of Kristen Stewart’s want.

Kristen Stewart not only wants it here, but I think she looks good here. She has her mullet up so you can’t tell that it is a mullet. Kristen is lying to us all here. Me? No, I don’t have a mullet. But she does have one. I’m not saying women should at all go for the mullet look, but women can still want it with a mullet. Joan Jett had plenty of moments when she wanted it with her mullet, but like all others her want is that of an insect compared to Kristen Stewart’s King Kong want.

Joan Jett wants IT. She has a mullet and she wants it. To be fair, Kristen can want it when she is doing anything. Joan Jett wants it, but this picture has been completely produced to allow for wanting it to happen. Joan Jett is wearing tight leather pants and she is bent over a table unless this is how she naturally reacts with a table then this is manufactured want. I’m so tired being a female rockstar, I think I’m just going to precariously bend over this table in the middle of the room because this how I relax. Don’t mind me I’m relaxing with my back arched and ass on display. This is relaxing.

Again, Joan Jett clearly wants it. The last picture she looked good. This picture is giving me a lesbian vibe to be honest, which is cool. I feel like Joan is saying she wants it, ladies who like other ladies or who are at least drunk enough to try it out once or again since the last time you were this drunk. This is more manufactured want though. Don’t be fooled by her amount of want. Joan Jett wants it, but the scene the photographer has set makes the want appear to be greater than it is like during the Cold War when the Russians took pictures inside their weapons supply depots and used mirrors to make it seem like there were hundreds of rows of missiles, but there really weren’t. Joan Jett is wearing a t-shirt that says “SEX” on it, she is sitting on a bed, and, again, she simply enjoys relaxing with her right hand dug into the crotch of her pants. Oh no, this is how I normally sit on beds: left arm propping me up for balance and my right arm elbow deep.

Joan Jett’s want is like Cold War Communist Russia: she wants it, but not enough to destroy the real super power (America aka Kristen Stewart).

Enough with these damn mullets!

That is the Kristen Stewart we want to see wanting it. The Clash fucking rule.

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