Snowpocalypse 2.0

December 28, 2010

There is 4 feet of snow outside and the town I live in is not making an ounce of effort to clean it up. They say they are, but seriously they’re not. One man who runs a construction company did plow the street* with one of his own trucks. I like this idea that and wish I had a snow plow on my car. Vigilante snow plowing. What is more disconcerting is the house I’m in… no heat.

Yep.

No fucking heat.

Not having heat is more code word for “no hot water”, which is code word “I haven’t showered in three days”. Today will be the day though. For better or worse, I will be taking a cold shower or taking a whore’s bath with a wash cloth or boiling multiple pots of water and trekking them to the shower where I will have a prior to the industrial revolution style bath.

I love taking showers. I am longing for the water on my pale white skin. I’m longing for the lather. I’m longing for my entire body not smelling like grease. I’m longing for a long overdue talk with my shower buddy Mr. Quackles the rubber duck and Storm Shadow the GI Joe ninja who watches my back and alerts me to any trouble. You are at your most vulnerable in the shower and yes I employ a miniature ninja to provide my personal security.

Nevertheless, I am longing for water and not frozen snow water.

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Ahhhhh…. remember these.

There has never been a more strategically placed sleeve of a jacket in the history of peeping tom pictures. The first time I saw this picture I thought that someone photoshopped out Kristen Stewart’s ass for one of two reasons:

Modesty – they might be a peeping tom, but they have some decency.

The Want – The ass holds many mystical and unsolved powers in this world and it might be too much to see the wet barely covered bottom of Ms. Stewart. It is a mystery that can be better revealed when we are ready and have matured… oh wait you can see her butt in a couple of the other pictures. That’s just a jacket sleeve. The sleeve must have been animated by the power of her want because Kristen is touching it and then the sleeve just had to get a grope in and grabbed her fanny.

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And then there was this picture. I’m not sure why girls were so in love with this picture. I kept reading “he looks so happy”. Is that what you want? A picture of a dude looking so “happy”? Ask a guy like myself – get a dude a PS3 or an Xbox 360 and buy him Call of Duty: Black Ops and you’ll see a happiness that has only ever been written about in such literary classics like Homeward Bound. I mean when you think you lost your dog like 3000 miles earlier and then your dog shows up a couple weeks later — I’m pretty sure you would happy cry so hard that spinal fluid would be exiting those tear ducts.

Nevertheless, here is Rob jumping into the water. If the Twilight directors actually knew what they were doing – they would make a mockumentary about making a teen vampire movie with Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson and that would be a billion times better. Get Sophia Coppola up in that bitch. You know what I’m saying.

Werewolves? Vampires? High School? Pffffttt… that’s so 2009.

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These pictures are the best. Just a couple heads floating in freezing cold water.

Hey Rob-head, I can’t feel my toes. Or really any of my long sultry legs.

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Ugh, I can’t either, Kristen-head. I can’t feel my Robpenis-head. It has retreated inside me for warmth. Right now, I have a Robvagina with tiny Robballs as the doormat. That’s really disgusting to say or think about. I really hope there isn’t a waterproof camera hidden in my swim trunks because these would be some embarrassing picture. Also, my Rob-head looks enormous. It looks like it is an upgraded model of your Kristen-head. My Rob-head is industrial strength for mindless floating in these waters.

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What? What the fuck are we doing out here? Is this apart of the movie? It is so hard to tell if they are fucking with us or not. There is a different director everyday it seems. Who the hell is the director of this movie? Which movie is it even? Is this the 4th? The 5th? I swear I saw Garrett Hedlund from Tron: Legacy in 3D earlier and I think he is in the other movie I’m making, but maybe we are making that movie right now and you’re making a cameo in On The Road.

Ever since we watched Inception high, I have had no grasp of reality. This is worse than The Matrix. At least in The Matrix there are people shooting guns and guys in suits and people flying and doing kung-fu. Inception craziness can be anything. It could be driving a van in the rain or sitting at a bar with Leonardo DiCaprio. That stuff happens. Maybe I’m dreaming we’re just heads in this water. And there is not flat surface for me to spin my dreidel on to make sure or not.

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I have an idea, Kristen-head, it could be easier to just combine your movies.

Which one?

All of them. Set in the 1950s, you are a down on her luck stripper who is also a guitarist for a struggling girl rock band. You end up traveling cross-country with two beat poets in search of musical inspiration.

Sounds pretty good.

And you end up in the Pacific Northwest battling vampires.

Not so good.

It was worth a shot, Kristen-head.

Well, thank you, Rob-head. You are truly the wind beneath my wings or in this case the freezing cold water suffocating my limp corpse of a body in it.

There is something I feel like we just have to do in this water at this moment before hopefully some rescue boats arrive or the director yells cut.

Sex? I thought you said your Robpenis was inverted.

It is and I meant can we do that other thing. That other thing we do in the hotel pool almost everyday.

Oh right. You start.

Rose!

Jack!

Roooose!

Jaaackkk!

RRROOOOSSEEEE!

JAAAAACCCKKKK

RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

JJJJJAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

When we want to question the government – they do it for us.

When we want to spread the word to others – they do it for us.

When we want to talk about poop – they do it for us!

Anyway, I’m watching the David Letterman episode with the Chilean miner Edison Pena. I have had it DVRed and finally have sat down to watch it. It has been good so far and I’m pretty sure he is going to sing at some point. That isn’t some weird sixth sense I have that I can look into the soul of the Chilean people and realize when some will erupt into song and when others won’t. I think I read about him singing on the show and that’s why I DVRed this. I guess I wasn’t too interested in hearing the harrowing story of being trapped 2000 feet under the Earth’s surface with 33 men and surviving for 70 days … BUT if the man will sing then I’m there.

Can we make that into a television show? People who have survived catastrophes will regale us with their singing. People could vote on Twitter.

HE’S SINGING! He’s survived so much, but he’s still singing! Oh the joys of the human spirit! Oh what a wonderful rendition of “Hey Jude”! Oh he’s so… ehh what’s that? Vote for him? Hell no. He was no where as good as the girl who survived Hurricane Katrina and sang Kesha’s “Your Love Is My Drug”. Honestly, were you even paying attention? Pfffttt…

CONAN

I watched it. I watched the shit out of it. It had no shit left when I finished watching it. It was shitless.

It was good. It was back to being what Conan has always been. The beginning was funny. The opening monologue was good. The set looked good. The back and forth with Andy was good. The interviews were good and the Jack White stuff was excellent.

The two best parts of the show:

– Jack White

– Conan Halloween masks

In all honesty, I cannot get enough of Jack White. The only time I criticize something that Jack White is apart of is when I don’t think there is enough of him in it. I love the White Stripes because it is all Jack White. It is the Jack White show. I’ve listened to the Raconteurs and the Dead Weather albums. They’re good, but they definitely have songs that are throwaways to me because they don’t have enough Jack White on them and he is standing RIGHT THERE. The Raconteurs’ songs that focus on Brendan Benson are the songs I couldn’t give a flying fuck about. And the songs piss me off because Jack White is a couple feet from Benson and they’re telling him to take this song off. I HATE THEM! They are keeping me from having more Jack White!

Do you know how great Jack White is? He is in Cold Mountain and he is good in it. And he sings in it. And he sings great in it. And that scene is good too.

CONAN

I am glad that he is back to having a show for 2 reasons:

1. He is a funny man.

2. I want to be a guest on his show, so he’ll need a show for that to happen.

Oh right… there is a third reason:

3. People can stop bitching that Conan doesn’t have a TV show because the amount of people who do bitch that Conan didn’t have a TV show were way too many people and if all those people who supposedly cared whether Conan had a TV show or not had actually watched Conan on NBC then Conan would still have a show on NBC.

Yeah, that’s right. There are a lot of posing motherfuckers out there. Isn’t it so terrible what happened to Conan? Yeah – and you never watched the damn show to begin with so shut the hell up. Oh I “liked” Conan on Facebook and I “followed” him on Twitter. Yeah? Well, if you actually tuned in for the dumbasses TV show then he would have had “ratings” and then NBC would have been forced to keep the show to begin wit. And yes that is “wit” without the “h” because in that sentence that is how I pronounced it in my head. WIT.

I would love to be on Conan’s show. I would love to be on David Letterman’s show. I’ve watched Letterman since I was in first grade. I’ve watched Conan since its first week on TV. I would love to be on The Daily Show or Colbert, but if I had to choose I would take Letterman/Conan because I’ve wasted much more of my life on them. TDS and Colbert haven’t been on nearly as long, plus they are only a half hour and on 4 times a week as opposed to an hour 5x a week. I don’t want to figure out how much of my life has been spent watching Conan and Letterman because that may be the straw that breaks God’s back into smiting me from this Earth. He has spent how much of his life watching late night talk shows!?! Created in my image, my ass!

If I ever do get to be on Conan or Letterman, I am pretty sure I will mention that this episode would be one of those wildly irrelevant and dated episodes looking back on it in a year’s time. Seriously, I had forgotten all about that guy. I can’t believe he was even famous enough to get on one of those shows.

Also, if I ever get the chance to be on those shows a second time – I’ll do the interview through a translator like Edison Pena. And I’ll randomly burst out into an Elvis Presley song like he did. And I’ll spend the whole time talking about my experiences in the Navy. I’ve never been in the Navy. And every time my translator would translate what I said and everyone would look confused, I would berate my translator for improperly translating what I said. Halfway through the interview I would start talking for myself in English. Also, every once in awhile I would look at the translator and shake my head disapprovingly.

So… these pictures are from Twilight, huh?

What the fuck is this movie about again?

I feel like in 10 years, there will be a press conference on TV where all the people who bought into Twilight will apologize to the world – “I’m sorry. We kind of went crazy there for a minute. High school vampires in love. Vampire babies. Vampire honeymoons. And it was written by some gay hating Mormon too. Can you believe that we are sorry? Because we truly are.”

Oh yeah… she wants IT.

Kristen Stewart, she’s on a boat… almost.

Confession #1 – I just finished eating a corn muffin. If one was of a detective nature they would be able to deduce that I ate a corn muffin from several clues in the room. On the coffee table is a small plate with a butter knife and a I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter tub sitting on said plate as well. There are remnants of the previously existing muffin on the plate as well as a few crumbs attached to the “butter” on the butter knife. Also, there are crumbs of the muffin on my shirt. And shorts. And the couch. And the carpet.

What the fuck? I ate the muffin as casually and carefully as possible, but it is everywhere. As if the muffin exploded spontaneously in my hands and then I ate whatever cascaded towards me. No matter how diligently one tries to clean themselves of corn muffin crumbs, there are always more that one missed. It is like sand from a beach or glitter from a stripper. It will stay on your person for weeks post initial contact. How is there corn muffin in my socks?

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Confession #2 – I may have secreted a liquid into my pants when Landon Donovan scored the game winning goal in the 91st minute of yesterday’s USA vs. Algeria game. Dawgz and I met a friend in the city to watch the game, much like we did with game 2 versus Slovenia. This time the bar was in mid-town, two floors and it’s called Tonic. Don’t ever go there. That is unless you find yourself apart of some tour of the life I lead for the year I wrote KSWI. The game was being shown on a myriad of televisions on the second floor and the tables were set up with everyone sitting shoulder to shoulder.

When the three of us got there, we snagged a few seats. We were 10 – 15 minutes early and almost all of the TVs were turned to the upcoming game. A couple minutes later, a middle aged Devil’s Threesome of Brits sat down at the other end of the table. I wasn’t really paying attention to them, but I did notice they were looking for a TV that had the England/Slovenia game on. After a minute, my buddy turns to them and says that he believes they have split the floors with the US game playing on the second floor and the England game playing on the first. They nodded, thanked us and left. Then my friend turns to me and said, “I have no idea if that was true. They were just freaking me out a little. I don’t want anything ruining the US vibe in here.” Brilliant.

Fast forward to the goal. The US had to win. There were scenarios that if Slovenia won or if England and Slovenia tied that the US could tie Algeria and still move on, but England was not tied and in fact they were winning 1-0 with Slovenia making no move to rectify that. The US had a goal stolen from us earlier in the match when the ref called offsides on an onsides Clint Dempsey. Game time was done. The 90 minutes had come to pass with the US clearing dominating the Algerians in this still 0-0 tie. The ref shows 3 minutes of stoppage time and right there it was as plain as day: if the US could not score a goal in these 3 minutes then the US will be eliminated. And then this shit happened (skip to 1:46):

GOAL! GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLL!

The bar went riotous. Jumping up and down, screaming, high fives, hugging and I wouldn’t be surprised if a few, yes a few, babies were made.

Confession #3 – I have stopped watching the World Cup *gasp* in favor of Wimbledon *GASP* *fart*. I’m sure many of you have seen the article on Yahoo or on a number of other websites, but right now there is a match going on that may never end. Ever. Never. Ever. Never. End. On Tuesday, a regular old early round match started between American John Isner and the Frenchman Nicolas Mahut. On Wednesday, they continued playing their match. And today, being Thursday – these two motherfuckers are still playing this fucking same game.

Isner and Mahut were battling back and forth in a typical evenly matched tennis game that first day on Tuesday. Isner took the first set. Mahut the second. Isner and Mahut went to a tie break in the third set, which Mahut won. This was followed by a fourth set tie break, which Isner won. In Men’s Wimbledon, one needs to win 3 sets. The problem started when Isner and Mahut started their fifth set. The fifth set has different rules, namely there is no tie break. Isner or Mahut must win this set by two points like 6-4 or 7-5 or even 12-10. In essence, one of them has to hold their own serve and win a point on their own serve and then they have to break their opponent’s serve and win that point.

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As I type this sentence, the fifth set is in its 131 st point with these two stubborn bastards tied at 65-65. SIXTY FIVE to SIXTY FIVE! ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY ONE POINTS! On Tuesday, I remember leaving the apartment when this match started. I made a comment to Dawgz that Isner is enormous – he is 6’9″ and he has a rifle for a serve. I also mentioned I had no clue who Mahut was. I watched part of the first set and then we left to go do whatever it is that we had to do. Yesterday, Dawgz and I returned from NYCizzle emotional drained, sweating from the oppressive heat and tired from waking up early, screaming and drinking beers all before noon. I turned on the TV and guess who I see: Isner and Mahut. And they’re still fucking playing. They were in that fifth set with around 30 plus points each. I sat and watched with little to no thought about how Germany and Ghana was unfolding.

Mahut just held serve again, so Isner will begin serving the 133 point, which was just started with Isner’s 109th ace. ONE HUNDRED AND NINTH! Meanwhile, Mahut has 103 aces himself. INSANITY. Isner is 25 and Mahut is 28 and I can only imagine that this epic fifth set will in the end have taken 30 years of their life off. I’m not hoping this will happen, but if the two of the keeled over at the end of this match whenever that may be, it will not shock me. They have invested so much into this that it will be astounding to see them even walk away from this match at all.

A normal tennis set is about 10 or so points, this fifth set of this first round of Wimbledon is at the 135th point. Using elementary math, it is over 13x what a normal set is. They played 4 sets to a tie basically. If this fifth set was seen as overtime – could you imagine watching a basketball go into 13+ overtimes? But that doesn’t really do it justice. Each point that is played is a full point and not a tiebreak point. It is the whole 15,30,40-point and the deuce and the love and that sounds weird saying that altogether. But it is really remarkable what these two guys are doing out there.

So fuck Italy and their garbage ass team losing to Slovakia. And fuck Paraguay and New Zealand and their 0-0 tie.

Also, there are some really hot tennis chicks.

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Confession #4 – I hate Twilight. That isn’t much of a confession as really just a given. But that does not stop others from telling me about Twilight or keeping me up to date with what is happening with Twilight, which I never ask about. I get that I started this blog on my own volition and it is about Kristen Stewart and her wanting IT and Kristen is in Twilight, but people have run with that on their own. For instance:

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Not saying anything is wrong with it, but that is the gift wrapping paper used for my birthday presents last week. It’s funny. It makes sense. I’m just saying… I still do not care for this movie and book series. So, last night I called mi padre up to say whaddup and he informs me that Jimmy Kimmel is having some Twilight thing on at 10pm. Again, I never asked about it, but people feel the need to tell me about these things. Again, I get why they do, I’m just saying THAT THEY DO THIS TO ME ALL THE TIME.

After dinner, I watched a great documentary It Might Get Loud. Once over, I turned on the TV. It was about 10:50 pm at this point… and curiosity got the better of me. I turned the fucking Jimmy Kimmel Twilight whatever that was on. I really don’t know what I can say that will be any more embarrassing than what that was already.

OH MY GOD! ISNER WON! HE FUCKING WON! IT’S OVER! THE SOULS OF THE WIMBLEDON DEAD CAN FINALLY REST! SEVENTY TO SIXTY EIGHT! UN-FUCKING-REAL! For a minute there, I was expecting this match to literally go on forever and I would just live my life with it going on in the background. A battle between to titans for the rest of eternity. I love it. They are presenting them with some memento for this match and one of the presenters is Tim Henman – brilliant. There is a soft spot in my heart for Tim Henman and his journeyman trials in Wimbledon being the home town favorite and never winning. He is also handsome, so ladies there could be a soft spot… oh forget it. The match lasted 11 hours and 5 minutes. Phenomenal performance by both men. SPORTS!

After the show was over, I checked my twitter feed because I was curious what the reactions of the public were. My twitter feed is pretty all Twilight and girl gossip randomly mixed with a few UFC fighters and Barack Obama. Thankfully, I was met with quite the red faced and furious 140 character tweets from you Twilight fans hating what was on TV.

Not only did the twitter feed seem to hate it, but so did the cast. Half of them looked like they were trying to pretend like they weren’t there. The other half was Peter Facinelli answering the dumbest questions. Numerous cuts to Kristen just shaking her head, numerous cuts to Rob with eyes glazed over believing he is better than all of this (and sincerely who isn’t), and I didn’t see any of the rest of them speak, blink or breath – they could have been wax sculptures for all I know.

I saw the last three questions and they were atrocious. The one thing I did hear that I liked though was when Kristen Stewart and Ashley Greene (who looked like a supermodel from the Fifth Element) said they don’t have guy fans. Well, I fucking hate those two Twilight movies, so “fan” is an odd term for me. But I know who you two leggy broads are and I’m a fan of that.

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Confession #5 – The list of “50 women over 60 years old” was completed months ago. Finally, I got around to videotaping it. Yes, indeed the list will be apart of a video. I thought just posting the list would be a little boring to do again. So, there will be a video. Now I need to get my lazy Kristen Stewart/Ashley Greene liking ass to edit it. But safe to say, the wheels are in motion.

Questions for Friday.

If you missed it yesterday, http://www.twitter.com/jordan_is_ok, I’m just saying.

Today’s post will reflect two subjects I have brought up on “twitter”, if that is its real name. The first is the season finale of The Bachelor and the second is the Jewish holiday of Purim. I’m sure you are tired of reading about both of these subjects in these all too popular crossover posts.

The Bachelor

ABC’s The Bachelor ended last night. Sadly, not in the “ended forever” kind of way. The pilot who I am blanking on his name who was The Bachelor… Scott? Was it Scott? Whatever. The Pilot who was The Bachelor had a choice between Vienna and Tenley. I wrote a post whenever about Vienna, Tenley and pilots leading double lives. And Scott(?) PICKED VIENNA! The guy I can’t remember his actual name who is a pilot picked Vienna.

If you recall, there was Tenley. You may remember her as the hot blonde who was flexible, only had sex or kissed or talked to or touched or looked at or thought of one man ever before and she was crazy emotional. The second lady was Vienna. You may remember her as the hot blonde who had bigger boobs, cross eyed, also emotionally crazy and had a less than stellar track record of telling the truth seemingly. Jake! That was his name! His name is Jake. Jake the Pilot. Fuck? Is that his name? I think it is Jake. I’ll stick with Jake regardless. Jake(!) picked Vienna. I said on twit twet twat twot twut and sometimes twyt that I would have picked Vienna. So it looks like Jake and I have something in common, outside of living double lives of course.

I also mentioned that neither Vienna nor Tenley are “marriage material” for me. My reasoning is that I could never imagine yelling either one of their names in public. I could be wrong about this. I could meet them or meet a Vienna or Tenley somewhere else in life and they are so amazing that I could actually yell their name in public, but as of right now I don’t buy it. Someone, who shall remain nameless because on purpose I never mention any of your names knowing that will only cause a murderous jealous bitches hatin’ bitches rage among you all, replied “but could you imagine yelling their name in private?”

This is when I hate text. How do I accurately write out the sound of a shot clock violation buzzer? I guess BAAAAHHHHHNNNNNNNN!!!!!! Wrong answer!

I could imagine myself yelling anything in “private”. I could yell “Queen of Salisbury” in private. That doesn’t help anyone though. Trying to judge a marriage on the good times is a bad idea. The “good” times are GOOD! You can have “good” times with just about anyone. But a marriage is not built around good times. It is built around surviving the bad ones. Marriage is sticking by the person during the troubling times as well as the easy ones. And it doesn’t take much to stick by someone when shit is going well. So, you have to imagine would you fight with this person, would you scream and cry and continue to be with person, would you get so frustrated with this person you would break inanimate objects and still be like “we need to stay together forever”?

I think a good barometer of this is “would you yell after this person in a public place?” In this situation, could I get into a verbal argument with Tenley or Vienna in public where like a typical woman they storm off in anger and I’m left standing there yelling their name. Nothing against those women in particular, but the unfortunate names just doesn’t help anyone. I just can’t imagine being in a nice Italian restaurant with Vienna and she storms off:

Vienna! Vienna! Vienna! Get back here, Vienna! Viieeennnaaa! Don’t you walk out of here! I’m staying! I have not even received my appetizer yet! You can wait by the car, Vienna! You’ll just have to wait because I have the keys, Vienna! Vienna!

Or being in a Macys that has clothes to fit people of all styles and Tenley storms off:

Tenley! Tenley! Tenley! Get back here, Tenley! Ten! Ley! Come on, Tenley! Don’t you leave this Macys, Tenley! This is a wonderful family environment you are ruining, Tenley! Get back here, Tenley! TENLEY!

I know that I am not going to yell those names. I’ll just watch them walk away. I would feel stupid yelling “Tenley”. On the flipside, I could easily imagine yelling old standards like Jessica, Katherine, Rachel, and so forth. Or even some more “ethnic” names like Tasha.

Tasha! Tasha! Tasha! Get back here, Tasha! TAASSSHAAA! Are you kidding me with this, Tasha!?! It isn’t even halftime, Tasha! I don’t even know how, but the Knicks are winning! I’m not leaving, Tasha! I guess you’re taking the train back by yourself! TAAASHHHAAA!

I could see that happening. For a truly honest to goodness marriage, I feel like one has to be comfortable arguing tooth and nail with that person in public without thinking twice. If you are questioning the decision of whether you are going to scream out their name and feel dumb about it then half of the battle is already lost. TASHA!

Purim

The Jew’s have a holiday called Purim and it happened on Sunday. I am Jewish and I went to Hebrew school and I went to Sunday school and I didn’t pay attention in either, but I did get Bar Mitzvah-ed. But not until this past Sunday did the story of Purim ever resonate. I’m not sure if it wasn’t taught this way in school or any school. Nevertheless, the story of Purim is hysterical. Like most history or historical stories, people were fucking dumb and crazy back whenever they took place. People are dumb and crazy now, but not in the big picture dumb and craziness like back then.

The story of Purim takes place in about 500 BCE or BC or whatever. Purim is from the Book of Esther, which means it is from a bigger book called the Bye-Bull or Bible. So it took place back in “Biblical” days which means roughly forever ago. It was pretty much dinosaurs then cavemen and then the Bible and then nothing and then the story of the world picks up when America was discovered. The story will be in bold or at least wikipedia’s version of it and my comments will be the intentionally funny stuff not in bold.

The Book of Esther begins with a six month (180 day) drinking feast given by king Ahasuerus, for the army of Persia and Media, for the civil servants and princes in the 127 provinces of his kingdom, at the conclusion of which a seven day drinking feast for the inhabitants of Shushan, rich and poor with a separate drinking feast for the women organised by the Queen Vashti in the pavilion of the Royal courtyard.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Seriously! 6 months? SIX MONTHS!?! A year is 12 months and this is half of that year plus a week. I love it. Remember back in the olden days when everything was more simple? Yeah, it was more simple because people were drunk off their asses for 180 days and then 7 additional days all mandated by the government who was also the craziest drunk. Right now it is March 2nd, imagine drinking straight from now until September. SEPTEMBER! And then another week. So pretty much, start drinking now and don’t stop until you see the news run a 9/11 moment of silence. Do you know what you really need after drinking for 6 months straight? Another week of drinking!

Also, you know for a fact that once King A finished drinking after 187 days that he didn’t just stop drinking. He kept on drinking! Someone who drinks for 187 days straight doesn’t wake up on 188 and check themselves into rehab, especially when everyone else in the entire empire has been drinking that whole time too.  

At this feast Ahasuerus gets thoroughly drunk and orders his wife Vashti to display her beauty before the people and nobles wearing her royal crown.

“Thoroughly drunk”? Yeah, no shit. This guy has been “thoroughly drunk” the whole time, but only until now is he about to do something truly noteworthy like order his wife to show off to everyone. Also, I doubt it was just “wearing her royal crown”. Maybe it was only “wearing her royal crown”. I’m pretty sure that King A being drunk for 180+ days at this point probably said something a little more lurid than “put on your crown”. He probably asked her to give a little strip, give the people a little show. He’s been drinking for 180 days! What do you expect?

She refuses,

Typical. Typical woman move.

and Ahasuerus decides to remove her from her post.

That a boy, King A! She refuses and instant divorce! Boom! Hey, Vashti, I bet you wish you did a little twirl in front of everyone with that stupid crown on now, DON’T YOU!

He then orders all young women to be presented to him, so he can choose a new queen to replace Vashti.

King A is the decider. He is a man of action. A man of great drunk action. Oh, what? My wife won’t gallivant in front of my friends – fuck her. Get me all the hot chicks in the room and let’s pick one that will. King A does not sleep alone in the royal chamber any night. I’m the King, damn it!

One of these is Esther, who was orphaned at a young age and was being fostered by her cousin Mordecai.

Esther Plain and Tall, am I right?

She finds favor in the king’s eyes,

Read: doable.

and is made his new wife.

BOOYAH!

Esther does not reveal that she is Jewish.

Even back then women were keeping secrets. Always with these damn secrets.

Shortly afterwards, Mordecai discovers a plot by courtiers Bigthan and Teresh to kill Ahasuerus. They are apprehended and hanged, and Mordecai’s service to the king is recorded.

Check out Mordecai. Saving the King’s life, getting people hanged. Big day for Mordecai.

Ahasuerus appoints Haman as his prime minister. Mordecai, who sits at the palace gates, falls into Haman’s disfavor as he refuses to bow down to him. Having found out that Mordechai is Jewish, Haman plans to kill not just Mordecai but the entire Jewish minority in the empire.

Uh huh? Ok. So Jewish people are pretty much going to be extinct because this one asshole can’t get this other asshole to bow down to him. Holy shit. If I was living back then I would be furious. Morde-who? I have no idea who you are talking about? And he won’t bow down to who? And I’m going to get killed because of it!?! Fuck this place. Fuck this whole place! And by “place” I mean all the known world.

He obtains Ahasuerus’ permission to execute this plan, and he casts lots to choose the date on which to do this – the thirteenth of the month of Adar.

Fucking what!?! King A! Seriously, you betrayed the shit out of me on this one. I seriously, thought we were boys. But I can’t really blame King A entirely because he has been drinking for at the very least the past 180 days. I’m sure he isn’t thinking clearly. I have smoked a menthol cigarette while drunk. I mean I wouldn’t smoke a menthol cigarette ever sober. It makes me dry gag just thinking about it. And I wasn’t drunk for 180 days when it happened. I had been drunk for like a day. So after 180 days I guess I could see myself signing off on genocide.

Yes, one menthol cigarette x 180 = genocide. I didn’t make it up.

When Mordecai finds out about the plans he orders widespread penitence and fasting. Esther discovers what has transpired; she requests that all Jews of Shushan fast and pray for three days together with her, and on the third day she seeks an audience with Ahasuerus, during which she invites him to a feast in the company of Haman.

Dude, we’re all going to get killed! What’s the plan? GROVEL! Grovel like you have never groveled before. Everyone just act as pathetic as possible and hopefully they will be merciful. Also, invite him to dinner.

During the feast, she asks them to attend a further feast the next evening.

What is with all these “post parties”? Drink for 180 days and then drink for another 7 with me. Eat dinner and then we’ll eat dinner again with just a few of us. Like can’t we just combine the two? It is just overly complicated. Or can’t we have a VIP section at the original party or something?

Meanwhile, Haman is again offended by Mordecai and builds a gallows for him.

Fucking A, Mordecai? What the hell are you doing? Stop talking to Haman already! Jeez! And Haman is pissed. If you build a gallows specifically for someone then you are on a whole other level of being pissed. What, buddy? What did you say? Oh yeah? That’s it, I’m building you a gallows! You’ve just become my pet project. Yep. I’m going to make a hobby out of killing you. I’m going to get some loose timber, some nails, a hammer, maybe a circular saw and I’m going to make a hanging post just for you. Nope, not for anyone else. Just for you, Mordecai!

That night, Ahasuerus suffers from insomnia,

It is rough being the King. Everything isn’t always 6 months of drinking and picking new wives on a whim.

and when the court’s records are read to him to help him sleep,

That’s right! The cure for the King’s insomnia is reading to him the workings of his own government. Oh man, this shit is boring the hell out of me. Is this the stuff what I’m supposed to be doing instead of drinking for 180 days?

he learns of the services rendered by Mordecai in the previous plot against his life. Ahasuerus is told that Mordecai had not received any recognition for saving the king’s life.

See King A isn’t such a bad guy. He’s like what? Mordecai didn’t get anything? That’s messed up. We need to correct this immediately. I’m the best and people saving the best’s life need to be rewarded.

Just then, Haman appears, and King Ahasuerus asks Haman what should be done for the man that the King wishes to honor. Thinking that the King is referring to Haman himself, Haman says that the honoree should be dressed in the king’s royal robes and led around on the king’s royal horse.

Um, what? What!?! Your prize is a pageant show? Haman had an opportunity to ask for probably anything at that moment. In his mind, the King wanted to give him anything he desired for good service and his response was I want to play dress up in front of everyone. What a lame ass. I would have asked for more women, more power, more money. That stuff never gets old. Haman is a creep. A fashion show? I would have fired him on the spot.

To Haman’s horror, the king instructs Haman to do so to Mordecai.

The old switcheroo.

Later that evening, Ahasuerus and Haman attend Esther’s second banquet, at which she reveals that she is Jewish and that Haman is planning to exterminate her people, which includes her.

I bet that blew King A’s mind. You’re Jewish!?! And I ordered you and your people dead? Wow. Has anyone had like an out of body experience before? I mean I’ve been drinking for as long as I can remember at this point and this shit is getting crazy. I don’t know what is more wild: that I’m still the ruler of this empire even though I’ve been drinking always, my new wife who I know nothing about is Jewish, that my right hand man Haman secretly wants to wear all my clothes, that he hates and plans to kill all the Jews or… well… yeah all that stuff is messed up. Someone should stop serving me alcohol at once.

Ahasuerus instead orders Haman hanged on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA – KA BLAM!

Talk about irony, folks. This isn’t that bullshit about needing a knife in a land of spoons or rain on my wedding day. This is real irony. He built a gallows to kill another man, and now that man is going to kill him with that gallows. Wow. I hope the irony was not lost on anyone at that post party. Just wow. Turn of events!

The previous decree against the Jews could not be annulled,

What? This needs better explaining. Why could it not be annulled? He is a drunken King who just does what he wants always. For instance, 10 minutes ago Haman was alive and Mordecai was going to get hung. Now Mordecai is all smiles and Haman has a broken neck. I’m just saying, why can’t he annul the decree? Don’t start acting like there is some overriding bureaucracy at work here.

so the King allows Mordecai and Esther to write another decree as they wish. They write one that allows the Jews to defend themselves during attacks. As a result, on 13 Adar, five hundred attackers and Haman’s ten sons are killed in Shushan. Throughout the empire an additional 75,000 are slain (Esther 9:16). On the 14th, another 300 are killed in Shushan.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… what?

That is the shittiest second decree ever. What type of decree is that? What the hell is with these decrees anyway? I don’t understand this government structure at all. Somehow the King’s hands are tied, but his wife and her cousin can write an official decree that the empire follows. This is the worst government ever.

The rough estimate here is 76,000 people died because of Mordecai not bowing and then King A deciding decrees preside over all. Oh yeah, that makes sense. These are the worst people ever. The worst! 76,000 people died because of this! This is a story from the Bible, right? And everyone is always like read the Bible and live your life like the Bible. Ummmm… no.

No. You should not live your life like these people. These people are fucking idiots. The King was drunk for 180 days as well as the rest of the empire and it only got worse from there. My only advice is don’t live like the people in the Bible. They made the worst decisions. 76,000 people died! What type of lessons do I learn from people who killed 76,000 people in one grand sweeping stupid drunken decision? Outside of not doing anything that they did.

Mordecai assumes the position of second in rank to Ahasuerus, and institutes an annual commemoration of the delivery of the Jewish people from annihilation.

And that is why we eat cookies with fruit in the middle because Mordecai got a promotion after 76,000 people were killed for no reason. Happy Holidays!

Well, I’m on twitter.

http://www.twitter.com/jordan_is_ok

This is all very exciting, I know. First, I would like to extend my deepest gratitude to all of my current “followers”. Second, I would like to say FUCKING FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER ALREADY to all of those who have yet to be a “follower”. Thirdly, I would like to say a lot more about this decision to be on Twitter with this post, so I’m going to stop counting out the subject points. If I continued, I would be saying “One hundred and fifth-ly, I think the tether ball scene in last night’s Big Love was about the best scene this season that did not involve Amanda Seyfried side boob or Chloe Sevigny in that see-thru baby doll lingerie from last night as well.”

Why twitter?

Honestly, I am not sure. I decided to do it and now I’m doing it. It was kind of a whim decision. I blame the SNOWICANE for the most part. Sometimes I make random choices, for instance I am clean shaven right now. I did have a beard up until 12pm Sunday when I though it would be funny to see what I looked like with a mustache. I will again blame the SNOWICANE and, maybe, the movie Bronson because he sports a moose-stache throughout the movie which I watched the day before. For a set of hours on Sunday, I had a mustache and only a mustache. I have never looked more like a cop and/or child predator in my life. Actually, I have seen all the Harry Potter movies, The Incredibles, and both of The Chronicles of Narnia films all in theaters. I may or may not have appeared more like a creep-o in those scenarios.

Twitter. “jordan_is_ok”? I had a rough time (read: 120 seconds) trying to think of a proper twitter screen name. At first, I thought I would just use my name. But then I remembered that was boring. I decided I would use my first name and add in a popular sentiment I think all should enjoy: “jordanrules”. Sadly, twitter informed me that had already been taken. I imagine it is one of your, the commenters’, twitter accounts talking about how much I “rule”. That’s really the only possible conclusion one can arrive at. Needless to say, I was at a crossroads. If I am not “rules” then what am I? I got it! I am “ok”. Right? Who here possibly could not say I am “ok”. I am ok! I will scream it from the top of a mountain!

I AM OK!

No one said I was the “best”, but you cannot say I am not “ok”. It is completely factual. Jordan is ok. I am ok. I could be better than ok. I am probably better than ok. But at the very least I am ok. Some might say I am setting the bar awfully low. Well, “jordanrules” the idea of me, Jordan, “ruling” was already taken. After that, I had to resort to something else positive. If by chance, I chose a screen name like “jordan_is_dumb” to try and be ironic because clearly I am not dumb – I would still worry that eventually all the times you read “jordan_is_dumb” or type “jordan_is_dumb” that there would be a Pavlovian response and you would believe I was dumb. Or even worse, what if I started to believe it? All because of twitter, I am dumb.

“jordan_is_ok”

Why the underscores? Good question. I was initially thinking that “jordan_is_ok” could be “jordanisok”. Appearing as one word might be a more simple approach and easier to write because it does not require the use of a “shift” key. But I believe “jordanisok” will only lead to many many frustrating scenarios. Think about where the emphasis on the syllables should or could go. I am of the mindset that when looking at “jordanisok”, one would immediately begin to read it as “jordanis” “ok”.

Who is “jordanis ok”? Excellent question. Who is “jordanis”? Jordanis may very well be an explorer. Maybe of the late 14th century. He did not find any significant island chains, but he like many of his contemporaries navigated the icy waters of the North Atlantic Ocean in search of “new worlds”. Jordanis OK was a brave man, but not the bravest. He never traveled as far as Magellan or Christopher Columbus. Jordanis was a man of logic and decided to make many short ocean voyages scanning the water in a grid search pattern. Jordanis’ men set out early and often on the sea, but also returned early as well. At first, they searched for new land 100 miles off the western coast of Europe. They searched every inch of that 100 miles before they even thought of going one hound’s tooth farther. After that was accomplished, they moved to 150 miles and then 200.

By the end of Jordanis OK’s life, he knew every white capped wave 300 miles west of England and he 65. His name has been lost to the history books because of more “adventurous” explorers. Jordanis led more successful naval expeditions than any ship captain ever and lost the fewest men as well. But apparently that is not note worthy to any of you! He may not have hit many homeruns, but his on base percentage was through the roof, that’s what she said.

Also, I believe “jordanisok” sounds like a Native American word. It would indicate a river or town or even tribe. The Jordanisok bloodline at one time was the ruling tribe in the Midwestern territories of the United States. A tribe of tall, bearded and tattooed people who were best remembered for the knowledge of movie trivia and their quick sarcastic whit. The thinning of this bloodline into extinction was two fold: 1. sun burn and 2. writer’s block. A pale pale pale people the Jordanisok were and being of a time period and lack of technology to create 90 spf suntan lotion, they were all constantly suffering from sun burn and dying off at a healthy rate because of sun poisoning. This was all not effective when it came time to battle rival tribes. A mere hardy slap on a sun burnt shoulder would cause many of the men to surrender.

The “writer’s block” came near the end of the tribe’s existence. Always rubbing aloe vera into their sun burnt skin, the Jordanisok gave up on war and tribal battles. They became a peaceful people who provided literature to the rest of the tribes for entertainment. But like a slow building drought, the Jordanisok ran out of stories to tell and fell into a deep depression and laziness.

Today, all we have to commemorate the Jordanisok tribe is a small section of the Theodore Roosevelt High School Library in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. In this section there are the last remaining books of the Jordanisok. The majority of the books are a popular detective series involving Chief Lingering-Hug who was the most recognizable Chief of the Jordanisok, mostly because everyone remembers the faces of people who give awkwardly long hugs. The rest of the books are an odd cache of fanfiction short stories centered on “hot” to “doable” European women reading the Chief Lingering-Hug detective novels and believing them to be so well written and clever that they travel across the Atlantic Ocean to find and bang the Jordanisok men. Strangely, the women are almost always dressed in short plaid skirts and white tank tops that are way too tight. Also, they are pretty graphic.

So, it is “jordan_is_ok”.

I have not figured out exactly how I am going to handle the twitter account. Already, I am fielding bitching comments. I do not mean “bitching” as in they’re “rad”. No, there are “bitching” as in the people are being kind of “bitchy” with their tone about my lack of responding to them in particular. I am reading the comments and I will try and decide soon how I will start responding to them. Maybe I’ll have a Q & A day on Twitter. I don’t know. Also, I do write a fucking website that you’re currently reading for motherfucking free so how about you give me a second to figure out twitter. Either way, I’ll try to write something on twitter at the very least once a day.

What have we learned from “jordan_is_ok”? A lot.

1. I recently watched The Girlfriend Experience. I really liked it. I was a little surprised how much I enjoyed it. I think Sasha Grey does a great job in the movie. She acts natural in the movie. That seems like that shouldn’t be a big deal, but have you seen any movies? Ever? Tons of big name actors do not act natural at all. Look at Mark Wahlberg. Nothing that he does looks natural in any of his movies. It looks like everything he does is a struggle. Remember that scene in Being John Malkovich where John Cusack starts to control John Malkovich like a puppet? Malkovich and Cusack are struggling for control over the body? That is what looks like is happening to Mark Wahlberg at all times in any movie. He is fighting for control over his own body from an outside source. That doesn’t mean he isn’t good in a couple movies; Wahlberg is excellent in I Heart Huckabees. But he never looks “natural”. The Girlfriend Experience is supposed to be almost like a documentary and Sasha does a great job just acting like she is not acting. Also, the other main character in the movie, Chris Santos, is really great. So great in fact, that it made me question the title of the movie. The title The Girlfriend Experience is memorable and catchy. But it tells you nothing about Chris Santos’ character and he is half of the movie.

2. I am looking to buy a digital camcorder and I completely ruled out a tapeless camera. It was terribly shortsighted of me. I know. I know the reason why no one really responded to that tweet was because of the disgust you felt for my narrow minded thinking that I must need DV tape ability with my camera and you couldn’t express this disgust correctly in 140 characters or less. I’m ashamed as well. If I could only take back that tweet. And if only someone would loan me $1100 for the right camera which I found an hour later. And by “loan”, I mean never pay back. I mean you should give me $1100 so I can buy a camera and we’ll never mention the transaction again. Or you could buy the camera, have it overnight shipped to me and we’ll just pretend like Santa Claus forgot to give me the present on Christmas. Or maybe you feel like buying me a really early birthday present. That present would be the $1100 camera I keep mentioning.

3. I eat fried chicken and drink beer. I’m not saying everything you learn on twitter about me will be pleasant. I’m sure a lot of you second guessed “following” me at that point. How much more do I want to know about someone who eats fried chicken and drinks beer? Fried chicken that he didn’t cook. Fried chicken that was delivered to him. Beer that was not American and was in fact imported from Germany. And he consumed them together. Together at before 5pm on a Saturday. I never said this would be an easy journey for any of us. Some days will be harder on our relationship than others. There will be times when you are shocked by the “activities” I engage in. Sometimes those activities are eating fried chicken. Sometimes it is drinking beer. Sometimes it is both. And sometimes I lay on the couch after I finish eating the chicken and continue drinking beer until the Sun disappears behind the New York City skyline.

Finally, I consider my twitter account to be in competition with Conan O’Brien’s twitter account.

It did not start out this way, but clearly it will only continue in this direction. I saw that Conan started twittering. Subconsciously it may have been why I started twittering. I’m not sure. I decided to “follow” Conan. Soon after, it dawned on me that we could be good friends like I always imagined or we could be mortal enemies that one day can only be resolved with a sword fight on an abandoned bridge at night until one of us decapitates the other and gains their powers via a lightning storm ala Highlander the TV series starring the enigmatic Adrian Paul. One or the other.

Conan is 6’4”. I am 6’3”. We could talk about what it’s like being taller than most people, but not tall enough to just be in the NBA as a tall white guy like Brian Scalabrine. We could literally see eye-to-eye with each other. At the same time, we’ll feel like natural enemies since we will always be looking into each other’s eyes like monkeys. Also, I may resent him for being slightly taller than I am.

We both are pale white with red hair. My hair is technically strawberry blonde. Conan may hate me just for that. Our pale whiteness will only be something we can bond over. Pale people are a united people.

Conan had a television show for about half of my life on NBC at 12:30am. I watched that show for about half of my life on NBC at 12:30am. I cannot say I started watching Conan from the “very beginning” because I did miss the first two episodes. But from #3 on I watched it pretty much every night of my life. So, if Conan is at all cool with reliving that Chris Farley sketch from SNL when he interviewed celebrities “remember the time when…. Yeah, that was awesome” then us as friends would work. Although if he dislikes that then we would be bitter enemies.

Conan has a monkey in his avatar. I have an alligator. That’s just good stuff.

I am fairly certain Conan O’Brien does not know I exist. But that does not mean he does not know there is a competition out there on twitter to be had. Have you ever been driving and all of a sudden find yourself racing someone? Either light to light or along the highway? No one has said anything, no one has even made eye contact, but you start to understand that there is just no way you are going to allow that silver Toyota Tercel to get in front of you! It is just not going to happen! And that red Jeep Wrangler is next! It doesn’t know it yet, but in 30 seconds all it will be seeing is my fucking tail lights, baby! That’s what this is like.

Currently, I have to tip my hat to Conan and say that he is winning so far. I have a little over 100 followers. He has just shy of half a million followers. I think that show on “NBC” helped him a bit. But one day O’Brien! I swear one day I will have slightly more followers than I have now and you’ll probably have a billion, but ummm… fuck. Why did I decide to have a competition with someone disturbingly famous? I’m going to need a lot more fried chicken and beer to sort this out.

A little site news – I will not be posting most likely on Thursday and Friday and then next Monday. You never can tell with me. I may end up putting something short up. Who knows? I feel a lot of guilt when I don’t post. Guilt you people have saddled me with. Anyway, I am traveling to the great state of Ohio with Dawgz. We will be attending the 22nd annual Arnold Schwarzenegger Sports Festival in Columbus, Ohio. Yes, you read that 100% correctly. Unless you read it differently and then I’m uncertain how that could be. The words are right there spelled correctly. Arnold “I killed the Predator” Schwarzenegger has a “sports festival” every year in Columbus, Ohio. I will be going to it this year for www.asylum.com . We will be “covering” it and trying to be funny and such. We’ll see how that turns out. I really just want to shake hands with Arnold “I gave birth to a baby in the movie Junior” Schwarzenegger and have a picture taken of it and have that picture on my Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, resume, holiday cards, wedding announcements et cetera forever.

Happy Birthday Dakota Fanning!

Today is Dakota Fanning’s “sweet” sixteen birthday which means that she now can… be sixteen? She’s a rich celebrity who probably can do whatever she wants anyway. Seriously, who is going to stop Dakota Fanning from doing anything? If a cop saw Dakota Fanning buying a bottle of gin, that cop wouldn’t stop Dakota. It’s Dakota Fanning! She’s not going to be irresponsible with that bottle of gin. She’ll probably just take it home with her and sip on a modestly poured cocktail in a 1950’s highball glass while reading the latest scripts. She’s a career woman. The cop would probably give her a tip of his hat and say, “I loved you in Man on Fire. That last scene on the bridge had me in tears.” And he wouldn’t be lying either because we were all in tears during that seen. CREASY!!!!!

Either way – HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Dakota!

In my effort to memorize the Internet Movie Database, I went to Dakota Fanning’s page the other day and clicked on the “mini-bio/trivia” section. It was filled with some really random information and some interesting information. In today’s post we will all learn about said trivia and, obviously, my “unique” take on that trivia. But, first, I will say this – I am a fan of Dakota Fanning. And not just because of this damn Runaways movie. I have not seen many movies that Dakota Fanning is in – I Am Sam, Uptown Girls (I had HBO and I was in college with a lot of free time), Man on Fire, War of the Worlds, and New Moon – but she is great in the ones I have seen.

Also, her younger sister, Elle, is great as well. Usually (read: almost every fucking time), there is a kid actor in a movie and THEY SUCK! But these two, Elle and Dakota, are actually great. I can only think of like 5 kid actors I don’t hate in movies and two of them are these sisters. And they both have worked with Denzel Washington! Excellent work, Joy and Steven Fanning. I’m not sure what you are doing in Conyers, Georgia to raise kids who act well, but don’t stop now! Have you seen the garbage kid actors in every other movie? Go have another kid. Have a ton more. Start taking hormone therapy medication and have octoplets of little Meryl Streep’s and Marlon Brando’s.

If I was a film studio executive, I would make the Fanning’s have more children. And/or I would have had Elle and Dakota working sweat shop hours to have them portray all the children in all the movies. Just think – Little Anakin Skywalker? Dakota Fanning with a buzz cut. Just think how much better that movie would have been!?! … and Jar Jar Binks gets shot in his stupid head 10 seconds after we meet him to a standing ovation of applause.

Anyway – it’s triiiiivia time, it’s triiiiiivia time, it’s t-r-i-v-i-a triiiiivia time, it ain’t no ooooother time, it actually is 10:21 am tiiiiime, but that just is a moment in tiiiiiiime during the triiiiiiivia tiiiiiiime, I’ve lost my miiiiiind, not because of triiivia time, don’t blame triiiivia time, because it’s triiiiivia time.

Learned to read at age 2.

I guess this is fast or completely on target. I have no clue. It sounds fast though. I wasn’t necessarily a “stupid” kid, but as far as I know my reading and speaking skills were the worst when I was that age. I had 5 words that I called everything and didn’t deviate from that for a few years. Also, I went to a kindergarten where the most advanced activities we took part in were “finger painting” or “stacking blocks”. It doesn’t seem to have affected me too much in the long run. So stop bragging, Dakota! Jeez! Ok, great, you were the quarterback in High School, but you’re 52 now, a drunk and a bad custodian. Not even a good custodian, but a bad one. Make something of yourself!

When she received the Best Young Actor/Actress award from the Broadcast Film Critics Association for her performance in I Am Sam (2001), she was too short to reach the microphone to give her acceptance speech. Presenter Orlando Bloom held her up to the mike for the duration of her speech, which turned out to be quite long.

There is a lot of repetition on this page, which is not surprising because she is 16! She was 15 like 20 seconds ago, so how much “trivia” could there really be? It was a cute moment, but they keep making a point that Bloom had to hold her up for so long. Shut up, Bloom! Pfffft, Orlando!?! She was 7. He was holding up a 7 year old girl for like 90 seconds. Big deal. If Orlando Bloom held up Kathy Bates today for 90 seconds then I would be impressed.

Began her acting career at 5 when she was picked for a Tide commercial.

At 5, I was pretending sticks were laser guns in my backyard with or without friends.

Her father named her Dakota, her mother named her Hannah. She then was named Hannah Dakota Fanning.

This is also brought up a few times. It really isn’t as great of a story as IMDB thinks it is. Where’s the drama!?! He wanted this, she wanted this and they compromised perfectly. Fuck you, IMDB. How about Stephen wanted Dakota and Joy wanted Hannah, so they each chose a single action Colt pistol and prepared for a gun battle to the death at dawn. But on the eve of the duel, a priestess under a full moon came to them in their Georgian home. Dressed in the blood of her elders she cried…

Her favorite films include Gone with the Wind (1939), Titanic (1997) and Steel Magnolias (1989).

I guess. She is a girl after all. And a young one at that. Titanic? Really? You worked with Steven Spielberg! How about Empire of the Sun? Or The Color Purple? I know this will hit a nerve with some of you, but I’m glad she didn’t say Pretty Woman. Oh my idolatry! I do not like that movie. She’s a prostitute! “Richard Gere is such a wonderful man”. Really? Really!?! He is a man who pays for sex. Why is it a problem when I pay for sex, but not when he does? It’s just hypocritical. And why is that girls never want to meet my prostitute friends? But you loved Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman! Either love the movie and be cool with me and my prostitutes or don’t like the movie and actually have a leg to stand on when you yell at me about spending all my free time with prostitutes. One or the other!

Collects dolls.

Yeah, no shit. She is a kid.

Loves to knit and has knitted scarfs for Tom Cruise, Robert De Niro, Denzel Washington, Oprah Winfrey, Steven Spielberg and Tim Robbins.

Listen up, IMDB – it is “scarves” not “scarfs”. One day, IMDB, when I stab you in your internet eye because you gave me false hope about an On the Road movie directed by Walter Salles it will be with “knives” and not “knifes”.

For the ‘sad’ scenes in I Am Sam (2001), she thought of her pet goldfish, Flounder, dying.

That is amazing stuff. Have you seen I Am Sam? Phenomenal. If I was an actor and they asked me to cry on camera, I would think about Dakota Fanning crying in I Am Sam while she is thinking about “Flounder”. That movie is so sad and beautiful. I have only seen it once because I’m never like “Hey Jordan, do you want to cry forever today?” And I know girls do have those moments and that is why there is a MAN as President always. Can’t have POTUS curled up on the sofa watching Fried Green Tomatoes with a quart of Haagen Dazs just because she feels like having a “good cry”.

Carries a book of baby names with her wherever she goes.

Errrr… I hope this is old trivia and not something she still does. Dakota is pretty, famous, rich and successful, but a book of baby names in her back pocket will scare away 99% of any guys who try to ask her out. And the 1% are old blind gay men. Because even a sighted gay guy would run and a blind straight guy would at least sense it. But life is too tough for an old blind gay guy for him to give up on any opportunity for love even with a baby name book its backpocket.

On her eleventh birthday,Tom Cruise gave her a cell phone.

And…

During filming of War of the Worlds (2005), Tom Cruise gave her an iPod.

Jeez, Tom. Stalk much? HAHAHAHAHAHAh… hahah… whooo… hmmm

Actually, this is a reoccurring theme in the trivia section – “shit people gave to Dakota”. Or at least that is what I’m calling it. “Shit” meaning “presents” because I know you commenters love the curse words. Maybe it should be “motherfucking fuck shit fuck presents fucking given to Ms. Dakota Fanning by fucking shit fuck exceedingly famous male motherfucking celebrities she worked with in a fuckity fucking fuck shit fucking movie”. And it is “Ms.” because she is 16 and a lady.

Back to the presents, Tom gave her a cell phone and an iPod. Not bad, Tom. Generally, I would say giving an 11 year old a cell phone is a bit ridiculous, but this is Dakota Fanning after all. The chick is making Hollywood power moves and not just calling her Middle School friends to talk Gossip Girl. And an iPod is a great gift. It is easy to use, even if you have a first generation iPod it is still a great item, they’re ergonomic. Also, I like Tom Cruise. I went through his filmography with Dawgz the other day. We concluded that 80% of the movies he has been in have been at least “good”. Most actors were not even topping 50%. And in that 80% of “good” there are flat out amazing films, a bunch of them. So Tom does no wrong in my book. Oh he jumped on a couch? Fuck you. The dude made Top Gun. Grow up already.

On her 10th birthday, Robert De Niro gave her a doll that looked like Dakota’s character in Hide and Seek (2005), with the brown hair and blue eyes.

Pretty good gift. For Dakota this gift seems to be perfect. She collects dolls, it is a doll of her, she was fucking 10 years old. And you know that De Niro didn’t cheap out on the doll. He probably paid a lot for the doll to be made. Good thread or cotton or double stitch or something. So good job, Bobby D. But maybe IMDB is not telling us the whole story. Maybe Mr. De Niro has a doll made for every opposite lead in whatever movie he is making on their birthday. Now that would be a fucking creep show and a half! I would have paid to see Robert De Niro presenting a doll he had made of Wesley Snipes to him on the set of The Fan. Also, I now want a Wesley Snipes doll. MAKE IT HAPPEN, DE NIRO!

After filming Dreamer: Inspired by a True Story (2005), Kurt Russell, who plays her father, bought her a palomino horse, whom she named Goldie. Goldie lives on a ranch near Dakota’s home where she can visit him often.

BOOM! FUCKING BOOM! A fucking horse!?! A fucking real horse!?! Wow, Kurt Russell is the KING of present giving. Seriously, he makes Tom Cruise and Robert De Niro look like chumps. A fucking phone? An iPod? I currently have an iPhone which does both of those things and it cost less than $100. A doll? A doll that Dakota can’t even play with and she will most likely grow out of collecting dolls. But a damn horse? Wow. Just wow. Kurt Russell, folks. I always wanted to befriend Kurt Russell before – Escape from New York, Big Trouble in Little China, Overboard, Tango & Cash, Backdraft, Captain Ron, Tombstone, Stargate, married Goldie Hawn and raised Kate Hudson, had a kick ass mullet for like ever – but now I need to invite him to a birthday party of mine stat. Maybe he’ll buy me a Wesley Snipes doll.

Is the youngest member of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences (she joined in 2006).

This may explain why the “Academy” never nominates the right movies to be best picture. She was 12. Fucking 12. She wasn’t even old enough to see a stupid PG-13 movie by herself and she is deciding what is the “best picture” of the year. Come on. Currently, it is still illegal for her to purchase a ticket to see a Rated-R film because she is SIXTEEN! I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Dakota. I lost my temper there. It’s not your fault. The Academy has sucked for…*thinking*…. however long the Academy has been around for I guess. Dakota, as long as you thought The Dark Knight should have been at least nominated for Best Picture then we can be friends again.

Speaking of the greatest movie of all time, I would have given The Dark Knight every award last year. I would have literally just written “The Dark Knight” in every category regardless of what that category was.

Best Picture: The Dark Knight

Best Actress: The Dark Knight

Best Documentary: The Dark Knight

Best Foreign Film: THE DARK KNIGHT YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! IT SHOULD WIN EVERY STUPID AWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congressional Medal of Honor: The Dark Knight

NBA Defensive Player of the Year: The Dark Knight

Maxim’s Top 100 Hottest Female Celebrities: THE DARK KNIGHT

AVN – Best Gangbang Scene Featuring Anal – THE DARK KNIGHT!!!!!

Was ranked #9 in E’s most cutest child stars all grown-up even if she still is a child.(2005)

Ummmm… Excuse me “E”, but I think Chris Hansen has something to talk to you about. Am I right? She was 11. “All grown-up”? Who is in charge of making those lists, “historical reference from the 1600’s”? Also, is it weird that I’m more disgusted at “most cutest” than I am that they chose an 11 year old as an “all grown-up”. Most cutest? I guarantee you if I applied for a job at “E” I wouldn’t get hired, but “most cutest” has a job there. This world is fucking unfair.

I won’t lie to you, #9!?! Who is most cutester than Dakota?

Her first word was “Momo,” which was the family cat’s name.

My first words were “ball” and “truck”.

For her, the hardest thing at the end of a movie is saying goodbye to the cast.

Awwwwwwwwwww…. Because she is a kid!

Hadn’t read all the books from the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer before she was cast in New Moon (2009) but she wanted to do it, because she loved the cast, and the movie.

Dakota, let me save you some time and say “don’t read the books”. I’ll just tell you how they end and save you the trouble – in the end THEY SUCK. That’s the end. Or I could rewrite that as “in the end THE BOOKS ARE A WASTE OF YOUR TIME WHEN YOU COULD HAVE BEEN READING ANY OTHER BOOK THAT WAS BETTER.”

While filming Push (2009) in Hong Kong, she wasn’t recognized.

Come on. Not once? Step up your game HK-China. Seriously, she was in Man on Fire – that movie was the illest.

And finally, a quote from Dakota Fanning regarding being an actress:

“I’ve always wanted to be an actress, ever since I was a little girl. I’ve always played the mom and I play my sister as the daughter. I wanted to be an actress on television and movies instead of just around the house.”

Some people wait their whole lives to achieve their dream. Some people like Dakota Fanning waited 5 years… when she turned 5! Or let’s really figure this out. She started reading at 2 years old. And let’s say there was a wayward year after that when Dakota was thinking about how she wanted to spend the rest of her life. What are we at now? 2+1 = 3! Between the ages of 3 years old and 5 years old, Dakota Fanning was not achieving her dream and since then SHE HAS!

Fuck, I am depressed.

Happy Birthday, Dakota Fanning.

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