Confession #1 – I just finished eating a corn muffin. If one was of a detective nature they would be able to deduce that I ate a corn muffin from several clues in the room. On the coffee table is a small plate with a butter knife and a I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter tub sitting on said plate as well. There are remnants of the previously existing muffin on the plate as well as a few crumbs attached to the “butter” on the butter knife. Also, there are crumbs of the muffin on my shirt. And shorts. And the couch. And the carpet.

What the fuck? I ate the muffin as casually and carefully as possible, but it is everywhere. As if the muffin exploded spontaneously in my hands and then I ate whatever cascaded towards me. No matter how diligently one tries to clean themselves of corn muffin crumbs, there are always more that one missed. It is like sand from a beach or glitter from a stripper. It will stay on your person for weeks post initial contact. How is there corn muffin in my socks?

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Confession #2 – I may have secreted a liquid into my pants when Landon Donovan scored the game winning goal in the 91st minute of yesterday’s USA vs. Algeria game. Dawgz and I met a friend in the city to watch the game, much like we did with game 2 versus Slovenia. This time the bar was in mid-town, two floors and it’s called Tonic. Don’t ever go there. That is unless you find yourself apart of some tour of the life I lead for the year I wrote KSWI. The game was being shown on a myriad of televisions on the second floor and the tables were set up with everyone sitting shoulder to shoulder.

When the three of us got there, we snagged a few seats. We were 10 – 15 minutes early and almost all of the TVs were turned to the upcoming game. A couple minutes later, a middle aged Devil’s Threesome of Brits sat down at the other end of the table. I wasn’t really paying attention to them, but I did notice they were looking for a TV that had the England/Slovenia game on. After a minute, my buddy turns to them and says that he believes they have split the floors with the US game playing on the second floor and the England game playing on the first. They nodded, thanked us and left. Then my friend turns to me and said, “I have no idea if that was true. They were just freaking me out a little. I don’t want anything ruining the US vibe in here.” Brilliant.

Fast forward to the goal. The US had to win. There were scenarios that if Slovenia won or if England and Slovenia tied that the US could tie Algeria and still move on, but England was not tied and in fact they were winning 1-0 with Slovenia making no move to rectify that. The US had a goal stolen from us earlier in the match when the ref called offsides on an onsides Clint Dempsey. Game time was done. The 90 minutes had come to pass with the US clearing dominating the Algerians in this still 0-0 tie. The ref shows 3 minutes of stoppage time and right there it was as plain as day: if the US could not score a goal in these 3 minutes then the US will be eliminated. And then this shit happened (skip to 1:46):

GOAL! GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLL!

The bar went riotous. Jumping up and down, screaming, high fives, hugging and I wouldn’t be surprised if a few, yes a few, babies were made.

Confession #3 – I have stopped watching the World Cup *gasp* in favor of Wimbledon *GASP* *fart*. I’m sure many of you have seen the article on Yahoo or on a number of other websites, but right now there is a match going on that may never end. Ever. Never. Ever. Never. End. On Tuesday, a regular old early round match started between American John Isner and the Frenchman Nicolas Mahut. On Wednesday, they continued playing their match. And today, being Thursday – these two motherfuckers are still playing this fucking same game.

Isner and Mahut were battling back and forth in a typical evenly matched tennis game that first day on Tuesday. Isner took the first set. Mahut the second. Isner and Mahut went to a tie break in the third set, which Mahut won. This was followed by a fourth set tie break, which Isner won. In Men’s Wimbledon, one needs to win 3 sets. The problem started when Isner and Mahut started their fifth set. The fifth set has different rules, namely there is no tie break. Isner or Mahut must win this set by two points like 6-4 or 7-5 or even 12-10. In essence, one of them has to hold their own serve and win a point on their own serve and then they have to break their opponent’s serve and win that point.

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As I type this sentence, the fifth set is in its 131 st point with these two stubborn bastards tied at 65-65. SIXTY FIVE to SIXTY FIVE! ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY ONE POINTS! On Tuesday, I remember leaving the apartment when this match started. I made a comment to Dawgz that Isner is enormous – he is 6’9″ and he has a rifle for a serve. I also mentioned I had no clue who Mahut was. I watched part of the first set and then we left to go do whatever it is that we had to do. Yesterday, Dawgz and I returned from NYCizzle emotional drained, sweating from the oppressive heat and tired from waking up early, screaming and drinking beers all before noon. I turned on the TV and guess who I see: Isner and Mahut. And they’re still fucking playing. They were in that fifth set with around 30 plus points each. I sat and watched with little to no thought about how Germany and Ghana was unfolding.

Mahut just held serve again, so Isner will begin serving the 133 point, which was just started with Isner’s 109th ace. ONE HUNDRED AND NINTH! Meanwhile, Mahut has 103 aces himself. INSANITY. Isner is 25 and Mahut is 28 and I can only imagine that this epic fifth set will in the end have taken 30 years of their life off. I’m not hoping this will happen, but if the two of the keeled over at the end of this match whenever that may be, it will not shock me. They have invested so much into this that it will be astounding to see them even walk away from this match at all.

A normal tennis set is about 10 or so points, this fifth set of this first round of Wimbledon is at the 135th point. Using elementary math, it is over 13x what a normal set is. They played 4 sets to a tie basically. If this fifth set was seen as overtime – could you imagine watching a basketball go into 13+ overtimes? But that doesn’t really do it justice. Each point that is played is a full point and not a tiebreak point. It is the whole 15,30,40-point and the deuce and the love and that sounds weird saying that altogether. But it is really remarkable what these two guys are doing out there.

So fuck Italy and their garbage ass team losing to Slovakia. And fuck Paraguay and New Zealand and their 0-0 tie.

Also, there are some really hot tennis chicks.

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Confession #4 – I hate Twilight. That isn’t much of a confession as really just a given. But that does not stop others from telling me about Twilight or keeping me up to date with what is happening with Twilight, which I never ask about. I get that I started this blog on my own volition and it is about Kristen Stewart and her wanting IT and Kristen is in Twilight, but people have run with that on their own. For instance:

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Not saying anything is wrong with it, but that is the gift wrapping paper used for my birthday presents last week. It’s funny. It makes sense. I’m just saying… I still do not care for this movie and book series. So, last night I called mi padre up to say whaddup and he informs me that Jimmy Kimmel is having some Twilight thing on at 10pm. Again, I never asked about it, but people feel the need to tell me about these things. Again, I get why they do, I’m just saying THAT THEY DO THIS TO ME ALL THE TIME.

After dinner, I watched a great documentary It Might Get Loud. Once over, I turned on the TV. It was about 10:50 pm at this point… and curiosity got the better of me. I turned the fucking Jimmy Kimmel Twilight whatever that was on. I really don’t know what I can say that will be any more embarrassing than what that was already.

OH MY GOD! ISNER WON! HE FUCKING WON! IT’S OVER! THE SOULS OF THE WIMBLEDON DEAD CAN FINALLY REST! SEVENTY TO SIXTY EIGHT! UN-FUCKING-REAL! For a minute there, I was expecting this match to literally go on forever and I would just live my life with it going on in the background. A battle between to titans for the rest of eternity. I love it. They are presenting them with some memento for this match and one of the presenters is Tim Henman – brilliant. There is a soft spot in my heart for Tim Henman and his journeyman trials in Wimbledon being the home town favorite and never winning. He is also handsome, so ladies there could be a soft spot… oh forget it. The match lasted 11 hours and 5 minutes. Phenomenal performance by both men. SPORTS!

After the show was over, I checked my twitter feed because I was curious what the reactions of the public were. My twitter feed is pretty all Twilight and girl gossip randomly mixed with a few UFC fighters and Barack Obama. Thankfully, I was met with quite the red faced and furious 140 character tweets from you Twilight fans hating what was on TV.

Not only did the twitter feed seem to hate it, but so did the cast. Half of them looked like they were trying to pretend like they weren’t there. The other half was Peter Facinelli answering the dumbest questions. Numerous cuts to Kristen just shaking her head, numerous cuts to Rob with eyes glazed over believing he is better than all of this (and sincerely who isn’t), and I didn’t see any of the rest of them speak, blink or breath – they could have been wax sculptures for all I know.

I saw the last three questions and they were atrocious. The one thing I did hear that I liked though was when Kristen Stewart and Ashley Greene (who looked like a supermodel from the Fifth Element) said they don’t have guy fans. Well, I fucking hate those two Twilight movies, so “fan” is an odd term for me. But I know who you two leggy broads are and I’m a fan of that.

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Confession #5 – The list of “50 women over 60 years old” was completed months ago. Finally, I got around to videotaping it. Yes, indeed the list will be apart of a video. I thought just posting the list would be a little boring to do again. So, there will be a video. Now I need to get my lazy Kristen Stewart/Ashley Greene liking ass to edit it. But safe to say, the wheels are in motion.

Questions for Friday.

Another week down and X number to go. Today’s Friday weekly wrap up will be a short one. In fact, I will be nowhere near a computer when this post is “published”. I will be in New York City and most likely a little tipsy from the morning drinking while watching USA vs. Slovenia. I will have the post already prepared and ready to go. I will send a radio frequency signal to my robot clone who will be sitting in front of the computer at my apartment waiting for this signal to be sent. Once said signal is received it will press the “publish” button on WordPress for me and, more importantly, for you.

And to answer your next Friday’s question – Yes, my robot clone is an “it”. It was made specifically with no sexual organs just in case the unthinkable happens and the robot clone turns against me. Also, if I did have a girlfriend I wouldn’t want the robot clone to get any ideas – with me or without me, ie no devil’s threesomes with the robot clone.

QUESTIONS! ANSWERS! AMERICA!

What did you get for your birthday? What did you want, but didn’t get?

Got: Clothes. Money. A coffee mug.

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Didn’t get: KSWI commentator orgy.

I was wondering if in the future when you look back at photos of yourself from this very important day in history, what will you remember of the reasoning behind the fact that you are sporting what I assume is a mountain-man/hobo styles beard? Will you have a chuckle to yourself and remember with fondness the summer of unemployment where you decided to grow out your beard all for the entertainment of your lovely/crazy commenters on that crazy/mildly popular blog about how Kristen Stewart WANTs It, which you wrote for basically a whole year of your life?

Well, I have had birthdays with a mountain-man/hobo style beard before. It’s been awhile since I have had a beard this long, but it certainly isn’t the first time.

Do You Wanna take over the KSWI Facebook Page?

No. I’m perfectly fine leaving it in your perfectly capable hands. Plus I’m lazy.

My Friday question is, what would you add?

Ahhh yes. The list.

http://www.marcandangel.com/2008/08/11/30-books-everyone-should-read-before-their-30th-birthday/

I have read 10 books on that list. I have read parts of some of the others and I’m not sure if I read that kid’s book or not. I could have read the kid’s book and not remember. I wasn’t exactly choosing what books I was reading back then. The list is ok. There are a few books on the list that I really do want to read like Lolita and Catch-22. I’ve seen the movies and I’ve been told the books are great. I don’t like Gabriel Garcia Marquez as a writer, so I don’t care about that book at all.

As for books I think that should be on a list for people specifically under 30:

On the Road – most definitely. It is a romantic traveling adventure by people who under 30.

Fight Club – most definitely. It is for the angry suburban 20 year old who is considered an adult, but has never had the defining moment to force them into adulthood. Meanwhile they are being forced into a valueless commercial world that they have no stock in.

Rum Diary or Hell’s Angels or something by Hunter S. Thompson – most definitely. The man is writing for the same people that Kerouac and Chuck are writing for as well.

You Shall Know Our Velocity – most definitely. I think we should all be sensing a pattern here. These are all books about and for the under 30 crowd.

Race Matters – most definitely. People should read Cornel West’s writings regardless of age. But I think people should attack issues like race when they are young before they get set in their ways.

Our Band Could Be Your Life – most definitely. Again this book easily could be read after 30, as the others could be too. But this book is a great musical history lesson of the bands of the 80’s that helped set the stage for Nirvana to overtake Michael Jackson on the Billboard charts. Excellent book.

There are tons of great books like East of Eden and Huck Finn and so forth, but let me skip to some educational books. The list mentions a few scholarly books to either sound smart or to prove the point that people should be reading scholarly stuff too. In that case, I think people should read books like Civilizations and its Discontents. You all know that I’m a big Freud fan, so that should be no surprise. Specifically for an under 30 crowd, I would suggest reading thinkers like Camus and Sartre and Kierkegaard. Existentialism is definitely a way of thinking that is sexy for the young romantics out there who are frustrated, angsty, and searching. Also, they are great writers. Sartre’s plays are p-h-e-n-o-m-e-n-a-l.

I would also say that people should take a look at this book called “The Bible”. Take a gander at the thing for yourself instead of listening to what people tell you it says in there.

Is it cool if I write another guest post? About America?

Yes.

Is a quarter keg the same thing as a pony keg?

Yes. Do you want some? It is still sitting in my apartment.

And I hope you all have a great weekend. I hope USA has given Sloven a swift taste of defeat by the time I post this. I’ll see you all next week.

Thank you for all the birthday wishes.

Friday, conspicuously not bloody, Friday. Friday, completely unwounded and unmarred skin, Friday. Friday, totally average in all appearances and unmemorable, Friday. Since it is Friday, it is question and answer time. I think I may be the only person who enjoys the Friday posts. I look forward to these Friday posts because I really don’t have to think of anything to write about. It is supplied to me in these questions and all I need to do is react. Monday thru Thursday is much agonizing, much deliberating, much vetting. It is exhausting. On Wednesday I had to do MATH. AHHH!!! It is tiring.

I just want to mention a couple of thoughts I had about these questions:

1. If these are the questions you really want me to answer then sure keep asking them. But you can ask any question. It doesn’t have to be about me. These Friday posts were not intended to be the longest running Facebook profile ever. Ask anything. If you want to know more about me then ok, but you can ask me any ass backwards ridiculous question and I’ll try my best to answer it. I think I’ve done that already a bunch of times and am perfectly comfortable doing it again.

2. Should I get rid of these posts all together? I like them because I don’t have to think up a topic, but that’s no reason to keep them around. If people are bored with them then I can think of something else to replace these Friday Q&A’s.

Just a thought(s).

-favorite band.. i know soo hard to pick just one, soo favorite band/bands per genre would be cool

I do have an answer for “favorite band” solely because people do ask this question. I feel the most comfortable in saying The Pixies are my favorite band. I think Surfer Rosa and Doolittle are perfect albums. I love how they sound. It is offbeat, melancholy at points, very aggressive at others, it sounds loud even if you turn the volume down, and their music sounds dangerous within the confines of a simple musical structure. I think each member of the band is highly underrated in what they do individually and the band is also that idea of “the sum is greater than its parts”.

But I’m not completely sold on them being my “favorite” band. How do you really compare one band to another? How am I supposed to compare Radiohead to Clutch? Their music sounds nothing alike and it isn’t supposed to. Or compare Nirvana to Metallica? They sound nothing alike as well. Nirvana wasn’t even around long enough to give us more than three studio albums. Meanwhile, Metallica gave us three of my favorite studio albums ever and then continues to hang around and sully that reputation since Cliff died. Also, I have a hard time saying my “favorite” anything is something I wasn’t on Earth to see.

In my own rationale, I have a hard time saying The Beatles are my favorite band because they’re not from my generation. I think they are the “greatest band of all time”, but they don’t belong to me. Same with the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin. If I had to create a list of “greatest bands of all time”, I would have to put The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin all right at the top. But I think there is a lack of genuineness if I said they were my “favorite” because that music was made for someone else. It might be a strange way of looking at things I know.

I love music. From Johnny Cash to the Bad Brains to Elliott Smith to Pantera to the Wu-Tang Clan. It is not easy for me to say a favorite. Also, I think it does a bit of a disservice because saying a “favorite” pigeon holes your “taste” in music. If I say my favorite band is The Pixies then does that reflect how much I love Life of Agony, the Broken Social Scene, Nick Cave, Hatebreed, The Allman Brothers, Bruce Springsteen, Bob Marley…..

But I do love The Pixies. A ton. I get chills listening to them.

-favorite song, again hard to pick just one

This is a completely ridiculous question. I’m going to answer it because I would be a dick not answering it, but much like the last question I hate the idea of “favorite” because it pigeon holes you and doesn’t accurately show how much you love other songs too.

If I had HAD had had had to choose a “favorite” song then I would feel the most MOST most most most comfortable saying “Possum Kingdom” by The Toadies.

The Toadies’ album Rubberneck is certainly one of my favorite albums of all time. I have listened to that album a million times and it never gets old for me. I also have listened to “Possum Kingdom” a near uncountable amount of times. I love the classic horror slasher story style lyrics, I love the muddiness of it, I love the range of emotions, it is great to sing/yell along to and it just kicks ass.

How do you think you’ll die? Do you have a death preference?

Uplifting indeed.

I think I’ll just fade away into the wind at some point. Whatever my accomplishments are during my life will remain, but the memory of me will be swept off to sea.

Death preference? I want to die of exhaustion after defeating the Robot King Calvatron in a laser-sword duel in the throne room of his hologram fortress atop Mount Xenon (formerly Mt. Everest) thus bringing to an end the great Robot/Human Wars of the 22nd century.

The duel itself will look remarkably similar to the final battle in Masters of the Universe where He-Man defeats Gold Skeletor. After the initial celebration that Robot King Calvatron is dead from decapitation, I will collapse and give a tearful goodbye to my throng of Playboy playmate wives who are each 1-2 months pregnant with a child of mine, which will be interrupted as the hologram fortress begins to fall apart. I’ll insist they leave me behind as they escape to a human future without evil robots. They will all make it out of the fortress alive right before it collapses then explodes and then vanishes forever. They will watch this on individual horses that were rounded up for them by my right hand man who is a warrior Cyclops.

Pretty much – Terminator happens and the machines take over the world, I defeat the machines with a Masters of the Universe climactic fight then everything ends way too similarly to Krull.

Also, my Playboy playmate wives (all 20 of them) will never remarry. They instead become lesbians and just have sex with each other. The Cyclops will be the main father figure for my 20 children. He will raise them the way I would have wanted: a huge emphasis on weapons training, a love for Minor Threat, the teachings of Fight Club and the belief that Michael Jeffrey Jordan may be the greatest human being to have walked this Earth.

You are a ginger kid right? Would you say that you have no soul? How is that working out for you?

I don’t think I qualify as a “ginger”. I don’t have freckles for one. Also, I’m not sure my hair color is red enough to be a “ginger”. My beard is redder than my hair on any given day. But my life is pretty good I guess.

Have you travelled much? Do you have plans to travel?

I’ve been to Italy, China, some Caribbean islands, Mexico, Canada and around the US. I would like to travel to other places, why not? Japan, Brazil, Russia… I wouldn’t mind going to other places.

St. Patrick’s Day?

I didn’t really do anything for St. Patrick’s Day. I drank a few beers at dinner at a local bar. That’s about it. It was a Wednesday and I wasn’t really into it. I don’t like the idea that I’m “supposed” to get crazy on St. Patrick’s Day. It is fake craziness. You’re forcing yourself to get crazy. I would rather just get into craziness when the craziness presents itself.

NY Runaways Premiere?

I saw the pictures. I think they are pretty good. It is quite the sexy little, emphasize “little”, outfit Kristen is wearing. I think she looked better on Leno’s show though. Remember, I am a chest washer, so I enjoy practicality – she looked more naturally pretty on Leno than made up pretty at the premiere —- if that makes sense. I think you also asked if she “needed” bigger boobs. I’d have to see the merchandise in action before I think there needs to be upgrades. I’m sure they’re great. I love boobs – let’s just leave it at that.

How do you watch sports in an office?

There is a time and place for everything. I can be quiet. I can be loud. I can hold back enthusiasm. I can scream until I’m hoarse. I said that I am loud watching the Steelers when I’m alone. I don’t care about any of these college basketball teams the way I care about the Steelers. I don’t care about any team in any sport the way I care about the Steelers, so it is different. I’m not sure I could watch the Steelers at work. I really don’t enjoy watching the Steelers with other people in general.

Also, I’m pretty good at being low-key if I want to be. I’ll let you in on a little secret – I write a 2000 word blog every day at work and no one knows about it shhhhhh. If people sat and watched me the entire time while watching these games they may notice a random fist pump or a soft “yes” or “damn it” under my breath. But that’s about it.  

If the United States was conquered by another country, which country would you prefer to take us over? I think your kneejerk answer to this might be a Dwight Schrute-ish, “Would never happen. The United States will never be conquered by another country, and if it were, as patriotic Americans we would burn the whole place to the ground and salt the fields.” No, assume that somehow, someone takes us over and as pinko liberal softies we roll right over and take it. Which country would you prefer to roll over for?

I think Mr. Schrute’s answer is pretty spot-on. I hands down believe that the United States of America is the greatest country on Earth ever. We have our faults, tons of them, but that doesn’t make us any less than the best. One reason I believe this is when there is a crisis happening in the world people expect America to be there to help fix it. Regardless of what affiliation that country has with the US, people expect the US to fix it. And if the US doesn’t give a 100% effort in fixing it then they are criticized and demonized because of it. That doesn’t happen with any other country. The US has brought this onto itself, but now people expect it from it.

When the earthquake hit Haiti, everyone expected the US to show up to fix it. And when its hands are full with Haiti and an earthquake strikes Chile then people think the US show be there fixing them as well. Maybe the US is spread too thin as it is also fighting the Taliban in Afghanistan and trying to find an end to the fighting in Iraq while at the same time showing a presence in pretty much every country on Earth and at the same time fixing the myriads of problems within its own borders. I don’t see any other country even attempting to do as much for the planet as the US is. Sometimes it works out for the worse and sometimes it works out for the better, but no one else is trying to carry the weight the way the US is. It is egomaniacal sure, but it’s just the type of people Americans are and strive to be. We don’t take life lightly.

If I had to choose a country, maybe the Swiss or the Dutch. I would probably choose a European country that has little strife, mostly known for relaxing and beautiful women, little to no ego. I feel like some people might say Canada, but I couldn’t choose Canada because they have a benign arrogance. Canadians think they’re like America without any of the problems. Fuck you, Canada. Go win two World Wars and maybe we’ll start talking about if we are at all similar.  

If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be and why?

An Ent. They fuck shit up.

Have a great weekend.

or not at work… a lot of people are unemployed. *wah wah*

Today’s post is clearly not about what I teased yesterday. I might write about that tomorrow. I honestly forgot the State of the Union address was on last night while I was writing yesterday’s post. I did realize it later in the day and watched it last night. Hopefully, you all did as well. You didn’t? Why not? Politics are sexy, right? There are a lot of 60+ year old men in the House and Senate, am I right!?!

Here is President Barack Obama’s State of the Union address from last night.

You should watch it. Why? It’s the damn STATE OF THE UNION! And by “Union” we all should know we mean “Everything”. Barack Obama is the President of the United Planets of EVERYTHING! Plus Barack is the Golden Child. Sean Hannity has a different name for him, “the Annoited One”, but Sean Hannity is also an ASSHOLE. If you are a fan of Fox News I would be surprised if you read this blog, but if you are you have to admit the guy is a total dick. Later in this blog I’m going to talk about House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and how she is the ball busting “Ice Queen”. But I love her. There is no way people can rationally think Sean Hannity isn’t an asshole. Like him or not – a-hole. Moving on…

I should have done my whole cell phone picture thing like I did for yesterday’s post. But I didn’t. I stupidly assumed that the footage that would be on Youtube today would be the SAME footage as shown last night. That would make sense. It isn’t. The footage is cropped different and you can’t see Biden and Pelosi as much. On the television box set you could see their faces the whole time pretty much –  todas las cabezas. Now you can’t. Which in all honesty ruins a ton of my jokes… that is unless you watched it on TV last night.

Also, I’m pretty sure Dawgz would’ve killed me if I was pausing the speech every other minute to snap an iPhone picture of every panning shot. That is the other thing – the cut away shots seem to be different. So, I’m not the happiest right now because there were so many pictures I could have taken. Anyway, I’ll try to be interesting or funny or whatever without them. I did take a couple screenshots off the youtube video 

Onto the speech. I thought it was great. I thought it was a great speech where Obama went on the offensive and spoke in plain terms trying to undo a lot of the inaccurate bashing of his first year as President. There was some great moments that everyone online is talking about like the Republicans not applauding for 95% of all working families receiving tax cuts. Because Republicans are against cutting taxes? I’m sure they know better than I do since they represent the “working man” and everything. Even Barack expected them to stand-up and applaud and he says so in the speech.

It is always funny watching for either the applause or not applause moments from the Republicans. One great moment was during this part of the speech from Barack on stimulating the economy:

“I’m proposing that we take $30 billion of the money Wall Street banks have repaid and use it to help community banks give small businesses the credit they need to stay afloat-

Sounds like a good idea, right? Remember when people said Barack hasn’t done anything this past year meanwhile he fixed the banks and they are now paying back the money we used to bail them out. They haven’t paid it ALL back, but they’ve paid a lot back. So we take that money we are getting back from them and now could be reinvesting  it into small buisnesses. Either way, the Republicans are not applauding.  

“I am also proposing a new small business tax credit — one that will go to over one million small businesses who hire new workers or raise wages-

New workers? Yeah, right? Raising wages? Yeah, right? Tax credit? Yeah, right? The Republicans are still not applauding.

“While we’re at it, let’s also eliminate all capital gains taxes on small business investment; and provide a tax incentive for all businesses, large and small, to invest in new plants and equipment.”

AND THEY ARE ON THEIR FEET APPLAUDING! YEAH! MONEY! THIS IS THE PART WHERE WE CAN MAKE MONEY! YEAH MONEY FOR US! There are two things Republicans hate – Capital Gains taxes and Death Taxes – not something most people in this country need to give a fuck about it. But whatever, they’re the big tent party and all representing the working man.

Also, look out for the Montgomery Burns look-a-like in the crowd on the Republican side. He is wearing an orange tie and he looks like he is doing the trademarked “eggggg-ssssell-ent”. I found this online somewhere, but the quality isn’t the best. Anyone you get the point.

Also, a nice set of standing ovations from the Republicans was when Barry was talking about “energy”. They weren’t really clapping or standing during the mention of solar energy or new technology like fuel cells or biodiesel or anything that is really “green”. But those dudes fucking loved it when he mentioned “nuclear power”.

Yeah! Nuclear! We love to smash atoms*! Argh yes! We’re Republicans and we love nuclear energy!

Then Barry mentioned gas… YES! YES! YES! GASOLINE! The energy of the FUTURE! Gas! We love setting things on fire that has fumes! Oh yes! FOSSIL FUELS! Rub them on my body! Then light it on fire! I love drilling into the Earth for the remains of dead dinosaurs and shoving it into my car and lighting it on fire! YES! GASOLINE!

And finally… “clean coal”. Yeah. They weren’t so psyched about “clean coal” because I don’t think that is an actual “thing” that “exists”, but some politician said it and both sides run with it. So yeah, “clean coal”. Wooh. Rocks that we can set on fire. Yeah.

Besides the speech, there is a lot of other humor in the State of the Union. I would suggest keeping an eye on Nancy “The Ice Queen” Pelosi. Watch her death stare people in the crowd. Watch her angry talk to herself whenever a Republican issue is brought up or if they make any noise in the crowd. Watch her chew out Joe Biden a few times. And especially watch Joe “The Celtic” Biden stand everytime Pelosi stands knowing that she will definitely tear him a new asshole if he doesn’t. They’re like an old married couple it is brilliant. He just nods and she berates and yells.

They don’t show it on the Youtube video, but Pelosi is furious at the beginning of the speech. They announce Barack to walk in and everyone is getting handshakes. Meanwhile, Pelosi is giving Biden an earful*. She looks wild and Biden just slowly nods his head along.

I would love to know who the black woman in the red is sitting next to Pelosi. I’m not sure who she is, but I pray she works for Pelosi. I hope she is Pelosi’s right hand woman. The two of them keying Republicans’ cars in the parking lot. She has to reign in Nancy every once and awhile when Nancy suggests putting on ski masks and mugging any member of the House of Reps who doesn’t vote along the way she wants.

Don’t you get the feeling that a few House members have awoke to Nancy Pelosi sitting in their kitchen smoking a cigarette with a cup of black coffee and their morning newspaper. They’re startled and she makes vague calm threatening statements about knowing where their family is at all times of the day “just in case”. Pelosi runs the House.

And, maybe, my favorite part of the speech was the two mentions of the graceful First Lady Michelle Obama. The first one marking the childhood obesity project she is working on. Did everyone clap? Did everyone stand? You bet your fucking ass they stood. You bet your fucking ass they clapped. You don’t mess with a man’s wife. And Barack is THE MAN. The Republicans stood and clapped and even hammed it up trying to get her to stand and give a bow. Because if you didn’t – you know Barack is going to kick your ass.

I’m actually pretty swamped at work, so that is going to be enough for today. I really liked the speech and pretty much every speech I’ve ever heard by Barry. Listening to him speak makes my brain want to work faster. When I listen to Barack give a speech like last night, when Barack gives formal speeches in general, he does make me have hope for the future. Not just down the road in the long run all Hegelian like. But for this year. He has pulled the banks together, put the car industry through bankruptcy, moving troops out of Iraq and yes into Afghanistan where more troops should have been which was why we started losing ground there, we’re closer to healthcare reform than we ever have been and I think we’re a stronger country now than we were at W’s last State of the Union.

So to paraphrase a great quote by Bryant Gumbel concerning the 1982 Dolphins/Chargers football playoff game – “If you didn’t like this hope filled speech then you didn’t like hope!”

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