I’ve done this before, so I’m doing it again.

I am taking the top 10 trending topics on Yahoo and I’m going to do two things to them:

1. Gentle kisses.

Actually, scratch that. I will do three things to them:

1. Gentle kisses.

2. Guess why they are trending without looking up why they are actually trending

3. Explain how Kristen Stewart would defeat them in a prison yard shivving contest.


But, before I do – I just wanted to mention that this is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which is why you may be seeing more boobs than usual. Oh man, I hope you are seeing more boobs than usual. Honestly, who is really against that? Just seeing more boobs than usual? That’s like getting a little bit more on your paycheck than usual. And money can’t buy you happiness, but boobs can and boobs you can buy with money. Anyway, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, our planet’s President Barack Obama tweeted thus…

@BarackObama: In support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the White House will be lit pink tonight at 6:30.

That’s nice, but I wish “lit pink” was in quotes like “lit pink” because then I would imagine it was an innuendo for getting crazy sexy drunk. What are you doing tonight, Barack? I’m just having some people over and Michelle and I are planning on getting “lit pink” all night. I think Reggie Love is going to be on the 1’s and 2’s spinning it west coast gangsta’ from 11-4 in the morning.

1. David Arquette

I like Cougartown.

Boom! What’s up now? What the fuck is up now? Like is a strong word, but it definitely isn’t “I don’t like Cougartown” and it definitely isn’t “I never want to see another episode of Cougartown again in my life”. It is more so, “I love Modern Family and I never feel like I need to switch the channel after Modern Family is over because Cougartown ain’t a bad like Outsourced is.” Her ex-husband is funny and Busy Philipps could show up on my doorstep and say, “We’re married forever” and I wouldn’t question it ever. She was cool enough for Daniel Desario on Freaks and Geeks than she is cool enough for me. Plus boobs and all.

Anyway, I know David Arquette and Courteney Cox broke up. Supposedly, he is with some new young hot chick. Fair enough. I know two things immediately about Courteney Cox – 1. her name is Courteney and not Courtney. 2. We share the same birthday except she is 19 years older than me. She is a great looking lady and I want her and Jennifer Aniston to become a lesbian couple who occasionally have boy toys and then they film that for Showtime.

Kristen Stewart wouldn’t have to do too much. His only tie to the people’s attention in this world was his wife and now that is over. Next week, will begin the slow fade into obscurity… until Scream 4 comes out and then a month after that he’ll really fade into obscurity and as with all celebrities who lose the spotlight and the affection of the public, his cells will break down and his body will eventually turn to dust and be taken out with the wind. For Kristen, this is a passive waiting game. No sweat.

2. Storm Chasers

Is Twister playing on TNT or something? I think there is a TV show called Storm Chasers, so it could be about them… which ultimately was inspired by Bill Paxton, Helen Hunt, their misfit crew featuring Phillip Seymour Hoffman, as well as evil tornado enthusiast Cary Elwes from the glorious movie Twister.

Not to sound too cynical, but I believe Kristen can wait this one out as well. There is probably a decent mortality rate in “storm chasing” if they are driving around in minivans trying to throw ping pong balls into a T-5 tornado like in the movies. I mean Cary Elwes died.


Kristen can probably wait until a towering cylinder of win that appear and disappear at undetermined time and have the power to tear buildings in half just unpredictably cuts right through this reality TV camera crew.

3. Deadliest Catch

Uhhhhh… so… Kristen… could… wait… this… one… out… too…

Isn’t this whole show about being the most dangerous job in the world outside of “bomb maker with tourettes” or “Naomi Campbell’s assistant”? I don’t think Kristen really needs to get involved here. They are running the risk on their own survival at all points in time and every time they do survive we are fed with delicious crab. Kristen can just set-up an egg timer and wait this out. Hit the snooze button until it is all over.

4. McRib

I saw an article on Yahoo entitled “Why can’t we find a McRib?” or something similar. That is what we call one of those “good” problems. Why would you want to find a McRib? I never thought people were looking for them. If a McRib is in closer proximity to you then you are slowing dying anyway. It’s like second smoke or carbon monoxide poisoning or watching Rachel Zoe Project – it is destroying you from the inside out whether you know it or not and whether you actively participate in it or not.

If Kristen Stewart eats a McRib she dies. Let’s just get that straight. Let’s get the bad news out of the way and say that if Kristen Stewart is exposed to a McRib for longer than an hour she will die. Have you ever seen Kristen Stewart? She weighs nothing. Her weight is so insignificant that you would have to get multiples of her and weigh them and then divide that by how many multiples you had to get the weight of one Kristen Stewart – you know like how you do with a penny. If I ate a McRib it would render me useless for at least the next 24 – 36 hours. But it probably wouldn’t kill me. It would certainly take years off my life, but at the same time my belly fat will absorb the McRib like the “Borg” from Star Trek and assimilate this horribleness with the rest of the horribleness that will eventually kill me later. But I would survive it. Like 85% chance I would survive eating it. Meanwhile, Kristen has none of that, so the McRib would attack her full force rendering her into a coma she would never awake from maybe two bites in.

To defeat the McRib – well, first thing first, it is not a waiting game in this one. A McRib will last forever. It will change shape and color, but the potency of the molecular evil that is in this composite commercially produced sandwich will never dissipate. Kristen will need to obliterate the McRib immediately. She will only have one chance at this. Once the two are put into the same area to begin their battle for supremacy, every second that passes that Kristen doesn’t blow up the McRib with a want blast then the McRib’s fumes will begin their course of action in toppling the mighty K-Stew. I would suggest a clothespin for her nose and sunglasses for her eyes and wearing a full bomb blast body armor out of The Hurt Locker and ramp up her want to 9000 and blast that fucker into the stratosphere.

5. 50 Cent Rhino

First off, yes.

I read about this before, a rhinoceros was shot 9 times by poachers and survived. Now wildlife people want 50 Cent to adopt it to continue to save its life and because he was shot 9 times and survived. Yes, I want this to happen. I want pictures of 50 Cent and a Rhino 50 Cent.

Kristen ain’t killing this. If anything I believe that celebrities like Kristen Stewart should begin adopting wildlife like rhinos because why not and they should peer pressure 50 Cent into buying his own rhino army. Have you seen that man’s twitter page? Besides a middle school English teacher, that man needs a rhino army stat.

Stand down, Kristen.

6. Katherine Heigl

Hopefully, this is an announcement by Katherine Heigl to start making what people in business call “good” movies. That would be cool. She has been apart of a few good movies like Knocked Up, 100 Girls, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, My Father the Hero and all 10,000 of those day dreams of us living happily together after I saw My Father the Hero when I was 11 – just to name a few. There is a chance she could go back to making good movies again.

Do not be mistaken, Katherine Heigl is a formidable opponent. She has all the traits of a well deserving adversary – she looks good in a bikini, she … that’s really enough right there. I mean when talking about why Hank Aaron is such a great baseball player, saying he hit 755 homeruns is really all you need to say. He was great outside of that as well, but that is perfectly acceptable. I know I’m not alone on this, but Katherine Heigl is really good looking and she can do comedy, so I’m rooting for her to get back into making movies that I don’t feel shameful in seeing.

Preferably, Kristen Stewart would defeat Katherine Heigl via kissing her to death. Or at the very least, kissing her until she submits then Kristen would kiss her some more just for giggles.

7. Leonardo DiCaprio

More like DiCrapio, amirite? I bet all the boys at school called him that while DiCaprio was off finger-blasting their moms. Just a good ole’ finger-blasting. I did write “making out” first, but finger-blasting is just funnier. Also, I enjoy the fact I feel like classing up the joint, but adding the hyphen in there like I’m using the Queen’s English to type out “finger-blasting”.

I honestly was curious as to why Leo is in the news trending. It appears people are now realizing that he is going to be J. Edgar Hoover in a movie called Hoover directed by Clint Eastwood. Sounds very promising. That was announced a while ago, but I don’t expect people to stalk the IMDB page of EVERYONE like I do. Anyway, I was curious about Leo being in the news because Christopher Nolan directed Leo in Inception, which Chris Nolan directed, Nolan also directs the Batman movies, Nolan just announced that Tom Hardy who was in Inception will be in the next Batman movie… so… maybe… Leo… would… be… in… the… new… Batman… but… no.

I don’t want Kristen Stewart to destroy Leonardo DiCaprio because he is making movies I am enjoying nowadays. Well, if there is a way that if Kristen Stewart us unleashed like a Sentinel from X-Men and hunts down Leonardo DiCaprio and kills him with optic blasts and sheer metallic power and then gives Leo’s girl/swimsuit supermodel Bar Refeali an ultimatum that she is to track me down and make me the happiest man on Earth for the rest of our days together (we’re both Jewish, it could work) then she should get on killing Leo already! Outside of that, let the man live so he can continue making good movies.

As for Tom Hardy, I’m excited he is in the new Batman movie. I think he could easily be the new villain. I’m not sure who he should be, but I think he gives a full force performance in whatever role he is given. Also, he is known to physically transform himself for a role like he did in Bronson and like what he was preparing to do for Mad Max. A lot of people assume “the Riddler” will be the next villain. I am a fan of the Riddler and Tom Hardy could definitely be the Riddler (why not). There are a few ideas that I wouldn’t mind seeing in the new Batman movie (all or some would be great): Batman being chased by the police, Catwoman, Two Face dispensing his own justice.

The end of The Dark Knight has Batman starting to be the focus of the police that they need to catch him as an outlaw. That is a great theme in the comic books. He is not a loved man in Gotham. He is a marked man that is a vigilante who needs to be stopped whether or not what he is doing is right or not. He is terrorist in the purest definition of the word. I like that idea. I like that Batman is an anti-hero. Bad guys are in awe of Superman, but they fear Batman. As for Catwoman, there is no female character going into this 3rd movie. And there really hasn’t been any solid female characters in the other 2 (Maggie and Katie were peripheral at best). A strong and sexy opposition for Batman could be great. In these two past movies, Katie/Maggie could have been in love with Bruce, but not Batman. Catwoman wants Batman and not Bruce Wayne. That is interesting and would set this movie a part from the others. Thirdly, I would like to see Two Face back and that funeral at the end of The Dark Knight was a cover-up for Harvey Dent still being alive and being stuffed somewhere in Arkham, but he escapes and is now judging people with the flip of a coin and the trigger of a gun.

I’m so excited for Batman, can you tell?

8. Busch Gardens Coaster

A new roller coaster at Busch Gardens? Get all those people who are eating McRibs to jump on the coaster at once and pretty sure that would kill that thing forever. Easy peasy.

Or Kristen Stewart could get a monkey wrench and take that bitch apart. I heard she used to play with erectorsets when she was a kid, I’m sure that knowledge will transfer. What? You doubt Kristen Stewart’s engineering skills? And you call yourself fans. Pffftttt…

9. Alien Prequel

Why the fuck not? Some people may think that an Alien prequel would be bad because it could hurt the franchise’s integrity. Those people didn’t see Alien 3 or Alien Ressurection. Those movies were not good. Good directors and good actors and still bad movies. Crazy, right? It is a lot harder to make a good movie than people think I suppose. Plus those Alien vs. Predator movies didn’t help anything or anybody. But they should try again with a good director and good actors. The alien from Alien is one of the more memorable creations in cinematic history, so why not go for it.

Supposedly, Natalie Portman is in talks for the movie. I guess to play a younger Sigourney Weaver/Ripley. Makes sense. Natalie is gorgeous, great actress, and she looks good bald. Like really good bald. Like so really good, I should be saying great. Anyway, I’m a fan of Natalie as mentioned yesterday, so I’m all for it. The more movies with Natalie Portman the better. I have rarely heard a rumor of her being in a movie where I wasn’t completely for it. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies – fucking for it! Supposedly, that movie might not happen anymore, but that movie would have been good with Natalie Portman in it.

As for Kristen and Portman doing battle, see item #6 with Katherine Heigl. Kissing contest to the death. I don’t think either would lose. It would just go on forever warming the spirit of humanity and serving as an endless light we should all strive for when creating policy in this great democracy of ours ala John F. Kennedy’s “eternal flame”.

Seriously, how many other blogs have the courage out there to compare two girls kissing to the presidential memorial gravesite in Washington D.C. of our 35th President?

Answer: not enough

Also, Natalie and I would work. I’m Jewish, funny, kind-hearted, and she has terrible taste in men.

10. Matt Damon

Matt Damon needs to be stopped!

Not really. He’s ok in my books. He makes good movies and bad movies and doesn’t seem to be a prick about it. I think he would honestly like that assessment of him. Also, I’m glad he is giving up on the Bourne franchise. The Bourne Ultimatum is the best that movie is going to get. There is no need to keep going with it just because. Let someone else take the it and run it into the ground. Identity was good, Supremacy was a let down and Ultimatum rocked. That is good enough. You can make other movies.

I would like to see him make a comedy that does not have Steven Soderbergh as the director or some Soderbergh disciple. There are a few directors that I think could really use Damon well in a comedy – namely Judd Apatow or Adam McKay. I also wouldn’t mind seeing Ben Affleck and him reteaming for a comedy that maybe they write. It could be semi-autobiographical – it could be about two famous actors who are adversaries or become adversaries.

As for Kristen Stewart defeating Matt Damon? Well, he has had a lot of training for all these action movies, but really *hand job motion* come on – they’re actors, how tough could they be? If she could lure Matt Damon with her lip biting and sexy stare to a room that locks from the outside and once she locks him inside that room she starts a screening for Matt of his movie The Informant! and let’s the movie play on repeat – I’m sure he’ll have killed himself by the opening credits of the third time.

And that’s how we play the Kristen Stewart kills the Top 10 List GAME!!!!!

Questions for Friday!?!

… how they could be defeated by Kristen Stewart.

Yes, you read that correctly. I’m not assuming any of these 10 trending topics, whoever or whatever they may be, will be enveloped by the sexy powers of the Dark Side. But if they are and their powers grow to a near international incident and the only means to stop them are sending On the Road co-star Kristen Stewart to defeat them in an one on one battle of psychic abilities not seen since the glorious theatrical experience The Lawnmower Man then this is how she would get ‘er done.


1. Joaquin Phoenix

What a powerful enemy indeed! No one ever said Kristen Stewart’s task as humanity protector would be easy, least of all me. I have warned her 100 fold. Aliens, historical figures being resurrected, bikini girls, elephants – her adversaries could be in all shapes and sizes. One size could be Joaquin Phoenix, which on the size chart is bigger than a medium, but not as big as a large.

Joaquin was on David Letterman last night talking about the last time he was on David Letterman. The last time he was on he had the beard and the sunglasses and the wild hair and was taping a scene for his movie I’m Still Here. He also went on to explain what inspired the movie (watching too many reality television shows) and he apologized to Dave – even though Dave said he realized from the start that this was fake.

How would Kristen Stewart defeat evil-Joaquin Phoenix? Well, I’m assuming we’ve seen a preview of what “evil-Joaquin Phoenix” already is with I’m Still Here. All an evil version really needs is facial hair that originally isn’t there on the ordinary individual. Evil-Joaquin Phoenix has the well documented beard, long hair and aviator sunglasses and a beanie and wants to rap. If Kristen is anything, she is fair. Firm, but fair*. Kristen Stewart would challenge Evil-Joaquin Phoenix to a battle rap competition. I’m guessing a best of 7 series.

If there isn’t a better sequel – I’m Still Here 2: Electric Bugaloo featuring K-Stew – then I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. NEXT!!

2. Bankruptcy Protection

What an interesting enemy indeed! This unusual high brow topic is trending specifically because the movie rental giant Blockbuster has been smited by the Biblical David in Netflix and those random ass rental machines that are outside grocery stores, pharmacies, malls et cetera. I understand that Blockbuster closing would be a loss of a whole bunch of jobs for especially the people who work at their stores. At the same time, I harbor a lot of ill will towards the blue and gold ripped ticket rental people because I applied for a job with their stupid asses back in high school and I did not get as much as a phone call. What the effin’ FUCK!?

In my opinion, Blockbuster is evil. If you support evil then you are also evil. So, bankruptcy protection is evil. And how will the mighty Kristen Stewart defeat this!!!!!!!! Well, simply enough she will use her hypnotic gaze to convince all to get subscriptions for Netflix – which everyone should have signed up for years ago. Really, her hypnotism is doing you all a favor you should have done for yourselves. And when Blockbuster closes its doors for good, it will know that they should have never messed with high school age Kay-swidge-jizzle because it will come back to bite them! NEXT!!!

3. Harry Potter

What a wussy enemy indeed! I get that he is a master magician and all, but I feel like that’s the equivalent of being a master at the abacus. It is outdated, requires no muscular ability to use and really the only people who still use it in daily life are elderly Asians in Asia. Yes, magic exists. And, yes, old Asian people are practitioners of it, but no one pays notice because who really watches what old people do. They do all sorts of weird things and no one says anything to them about it because they’re OLD!


First and foremost, I think Harry Potter would instantly be weak kneed and probably wet himself in the presence of Kristen Stewart. Or really any attractive girl. Emma Watson is hot and all, but seemingly Harry grew up with her, so he doesn’t see how smoking hot she is like in all those 80’s/90’s movies where the nerdy guy wants the hot girl in school meanwhile his best friend who is also an insanely hot chick, but none of them seem to notice until 10 minutes left in the movie (see: Trojan War. Seriously, the guy doesn’t know Jennifer Love Hewitt is great looking and standing right next to him!?!)

I believe the Evil-Harry Potter is the snake hissing and looking through his eyebrows creeper that has appeared in a couple of the flicks. Kristen would focus her come hither, hour rates motel, sweaty sex affair, wanting eyes on the pip squeak Harry Twatter (amirite?) and he would faint of sexual fantasy overload. After that Kristen could do whatever she wanted to finish the job… maybe tie him up, anal rape him, and tattoo a Finish message on his stomach – that’s pretty much The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo fatality. NEXT!!!

4. PGA Championship

What a boring enemy indeed! Ever since Tiger Woods stopped winning at golf, the game became evil. The sport that appears on TV now is evil, which is what the game was before Tiger Woods starting beating its ass. Yes, golf is evil. It literally has the power to literally bore you to a literal death. That is evil. But the good thing is that no one gave a fuck about golf when Tiger Woods was not involved in it – despite what many people will try to make you believe. All that bullshit about Nicklaus and Palmer – PFFFFFFTTTT! Yes, all capitals pfffttt-ing. They used to only show the final day of The Masters and I’m not even sure they showed the whole day of it. What kind of rivalry could it have been if no one was watching it? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to watch two old white men on TV play a boring ass game then who cares, right?

If Kristen Stewart had to defeat evil-golf then she would just need to keep Tiger Woods away from ever winning a golf event ever again. Whatever sliver of attention the human race allows for golf, it will wilt and die on its own. I’m not going to tell Kristen Stewart exactly how to keep Tiger from winning, but I have ideas. Ideas involving her … wearing … NEXT!!!

5. Sukkot

What a sacrilegious enemy indeed! Evil sukkot!?! Never! Well, Sukkot is the Jewish holiday celebrating camping. You build a “sukkah” which is more or less a hut and then you force your family to stay in it until Sukkot is over. You know what they say – what happens in the sukkah, stays in the sukkah. Which is exactly why you destroy the sukkah after Sukkot is over, so you don’t have to be physically reminded of the devious sexual experiences you engaged in in your fragile religious hut.

Actually, Sukkot is a wonderful little holiday where you get to reconnect with your ancient ancestors by living for a bit how they lived… in a half-assed hut on the front lawn of your big suburban home. Also, you get to see exactly what “wild life” like raccoons and possums do to your garbage late at night while you are usually asleep in your comfortable bed safe in your home that has air conditioning and sheets and no crickets or ants or mud. Anyway, what I’m saying is, Sukkot has already been defeated by the invention of the HOUSE and the holiday is not “evil”, but more so a reminder of our victory over unstable shelter.

Kristen you don’t need to get your hands dirty on this one. Just point any people towards a hotel or the real estate section of a newspaper or Craig’s list. NEXT!!!

6. Thomas J. Dart

What an enemy that I have no idea who he is! I assume, and I believe correctly, that Thomas J. Dart is in fact the Thomas J. Dart the inventor of THE DART! I guess there was a time when darts had a purpose outside of entertaining drunk people at a bar, but maybe not. Maybe people tied darts with a string. Maybe they threw the dart into something where it would stick with a collection of barbs. Then they would yank back on the string to retrieve said object… or the dart would come back flying into their face and most likely into their eye half blinding them. Nowadays, we just allow people who are good and intoxicated and who may have no coordination or precision with edged weapons to throw these darts in public spaces guessing they will not maim any patrons.

Ahhh, Thomas J. Dart is some dude who may or may not run to be mayor of Chicago. Ohhhhh, who gives a fuck? Chicago doesn’t need Thomas J. Dart for mayor. They need Judge Dredd! Have you seen the crime statistics in Chicago? Someone is getting shot every other second of every day in that city. Whatever second you are recognizing that next second is the one where someone gets shot. Not now, but NOW! BLAM! Someone was shot in Chicago again. And I don’t think Thomas J. Dart and every dart that he ever manufactured with his own hands can stop that violence.

I doubt Kristen Stewart needs to do much to stop this guy considering he doesn’t even know if he is running to be mayor or not. It’s a simple decision dude. Either get involved in an expensive political election where your life and all your past decisions will be torn apart, all so you can be put in charge of a major city that is falling apart at its seams from rampant gun violence. Yeah, I’m pretty sure mayoral campaign or the loose roaming bullets may take care of this guy well before Kristen Stewart needs to pull some X-Men shit on his evil dart throwing ass. NEXT!!!

7. Inflation

What an existential enemy indeed! Inflation? I guess Kristen Stewart could begin conducting all of her business using a barter system instead of currency. Is there inflation in bartering? Inflation seems to be a naturally occurring percentage that relates to scarcity of natural resources, growth in population, demand, and really a whole lot of intangible ideas that Kristen Stewart cannot necessarily blast with an optic beam of want from her soft ever changing technicolor dream coat color eyes. Oh how I get lost in those eyes. Those eyes that some say are blue, but are brown in Twilight because of contacts. If the world would just take Ambien and stare into those beautiful eyes until everyone got nice and high and then took a nap together dreaming of those whimsical eyes we would defeat inflation.


Actually, we wouldn’t. Inflation would still happen with all of those napping in one giant bed together. Also, probably some groping. NEXT!!!

8. Patient’s Bill of Rights

What a completely wonderful friend! Yes, the “Bill of Rights” is your friend and so is your “Patient’s Bill of Rights”. I really don’t know who this would be evil unless you put the word “NOT” at the end of each right. Have their medical decisions made by a doctor… NOT! I guess that would make them evil. Or if they added the phrase “evil” to each right like “go to the closest ‘evil’ emergency room”. I think Kristen could do a nationwide personal service announcement stating that each individual has the choice to either have the “Patient’s Bill of Rights” or the “Patient’s Bill of ‘evil’ Rights”. I picture her in a Sonic Youth t-shirt, a cutoff jean skirt and heels while smoking cigarettes and playing with her hair. “It’s your choice – ‘Bill of Rights’ or the ‘Bill of ‘evil’ Rights’. Make the right one or whatever.” NEXT!!!

9. Health Insurance

What a Tea Party idea enemy! If you had not noticed, but there are people out there already that believe health insurance is evil. Or at least the health insurance where everyone has it is evil. Or something. I’m not sure either. But what I do know is that it’s being taken care of. If you believe the old system of health insurance was evil then Nancy Pelosi and her vagina of justice defeated it. And if you believe the vagina justice health insurance we are starting today is evil then there are people who are out there trying to overturn it. I don’t think Kristen Stewart needs to get her hands dirty with this one. Her hands do not need to be involved in this mess. Kristen Stewart’s hands are like a rare swan. A rare swan that has morphed into hands that have attached themselves to a young woman’s wrists and can be articulated by a complex system of nerves that are connected to her brain. Just two lovely hands that are actually a swan. Just think about it. NEXT!!!

10. Kim Kardashian

YES! I love Kim Kardashian and she is no one’s enemy. She is a friend to all human and animal kind. Just look at this…


She is wonderful. Kristen Stewart and Kim Kardashian hopefully one day will become more than friends and hold hands and go bikini shopping together. In my heart of hearts of all my hearts, I don’t believe Kim Kardashian could become evil. No one with such a large perfect ass could become evil. It’s scientifically proven. Butts are not evil. That’s a fact. And she has a huge glorious butt that should be sketched in every junior college introductory art class all over the world. Kim’s butt is attached to the rest of Kim and no matter how evil the rest of her could get the butt will always hold more power and sway over her entire being. And let’s be honest, boobs can be used for evil, but in general are not evil – especially natural boobs. Kim has big boobs that are fairly in proportion to her grand butt. Also, she is pretty. Being pretty is debatable about potential for evil, but the BUTT. As mentioned, she just simply can’t be evil because of the butt then the boobs and her face and she and her sisters help men win championships in sports and she has this exotic spirit that could be European or Middle Eastern or melting pot American… ok, I’m rambling.

Let’s say Kim turns evil. I’m fairly certain the only way to defeat her is for Kristen Stewart to oil wrestle her for $44.95 on pay-per-view or they could pillow fight each other until they giggle themselves exhausted… also on pay-per-view. For HD it is $49.95 and believe me the extra $5 will be worth it.

Also, this idea could be done whether or not Kim turns evil. Just make it happen now! Focus on making On the Road great then Kristen Stewart and Kim Kardashian can grapple for the hearts and minds of the people of Earth.

The website I go to more than any other on any given day is Yahoo. A big reason is I have a yahoo email address that I’ve used for the better part of a decade. I admit that I definitely check this email address for new email way too often. So often one would actually think the emails I do get are national security level importance emails. Emails containing up to the minute near live coverage of nuclear weapons being sold to terrorists on the black market of some third world country and somehow these emails are being sent to me and then I’m forwarding them to the proper Anbu black ops Marine snipers who need to kill said terrorists and recover the dangerous nuclear weapons. That is how often and how steadily I check my email as if emails like those were awaiting my immediate attention.

In reality, my email box is usually full of dick jokes courtesy of my college friends. If not dick jokes from pals who sought higher education together, my email box has every once and awhile freelance work emails, which are important. And, the third category would be newsletter emails from websites I bought something from once like 1800 Flowers, Macys, Nordstroms, Everlast (boxing equipment, not the guy who was in House of Pain and then told us “what it’s like” in his solo venture) et cetera. The final category of emails is UFC Forum emails. The UFC has its own web board and I guess they were in need of Moderators. It doesn’t pay anything, which is good because I rarely go onto that web board, so I can’t be fired as a moderator. I get at least a dozen emails a day from whiny brats complaining someone is being mean to them and I should ban that person because of it. 99% of the time, I ignore these emails. It’s the internet – everyone is mean! And, just be mean back! It is anonymous. If some idiot calls you an idiot then call them an idiot. Why not? It’s the internet – everyone is mean and this is all fake.

I do once in a green Moon go onto the UFC web board solely to ban someone and delete every post they have posted on the site. That is somewhat satisfying. “Would you like to ban them for a day, 15 days, a month, 90 days or forever?” Well… FOREVER!!!! ALWAYS FOREVER!!! If I was in that movie The Box where I had to hit a button to kill some random human being on Earth and I got a million dollars – if I could be convinced by Frank Langella with half a face that this isn’t a Twilight Zone episode and if I hit the button that random person killed wasn’t me and was in fact one of the people who actually posts on the UFC web board and complains or is complained about – I’d hit it Usain Bolt fast.

So, I’m on Yahoo a lot because of all this. I love the “Trending Now” feature they added whenever they added it. I always take a look at it. I check my email, I check the front page article and I check the “Trending Now”. Sometimes before I click on why these random ass topics are trending, I like to take a guess or make a tiny wish to myself what is causing these people or things to trend. That’s what today’s post is about motherfuckers – get into it.

1. Jay-Z

He’s dead. Awwwwww… why? Why do you say such things, Kay-Swilt-Chamberlain-Jizzle? Jay-Z is not dead. But I cannot be the only one who sees a name trending at number 1 and thinks “oh shit, did Zsa Zsa Gabor die or is she just in the fucking hospital again?” False alarm, Jay-Z isn’t dead. The credibility of hip hop is definitely dead because of Jay-Z, so maybe they arrested Jay-Z for the murder of a legitimate art form. Nope. Damn it! So Jay-Z is doing a concert(s) with Eminem. *shrugs*.

I wish Jay-Z was trending because he decided to actual quit the literal rapping business to become a rap entrepreneur who basically just gives money to young rappers and studio time to them and doesn’t at all try to influence them in making the exact same music he has made for the past 10 years. Or I wish that Jay-Z came out against Pitchfork’s rating of the best songs from the past decade and his lady Beyonce’s song “Crazy in Love” is definitely not the #3 song of the past decade. Jay-Z feels flattered that they would think that song was that good, but Jay is from the streets and he knows that that song shouldn’t even be included in the top 100 songs from the past decade let alone nearly leading the list. Also, Jay-Z apologizes for ruining everyone’s brain for the first few months of this year with the refrain “NEW YORK! BIG LIGHTS WILL INSPIRE YOU! IN NEW YORK!” Ugh… it will probably stick in my head again.

2. Jodie Sweetin

The chick from Full House. No, not the oldest one who became real religious. No, not the youngest one who was played by those twins who fell in love with cocaine. No, not the one with the flowing black mullet – that was UNCLE Jessy, he was a man. Remember the sporty spice middle sister? That’s Jodie Sweetin. I know that Jodie was pregnant because that trended a month ago. I’m guessing this is that she gave birth to that pregnancy.

What I wish? Jodie Sweetin completed the Highlander task of sword fighting to death all the other cast members of Full House and now SHE IS THE ONLY ONE… who gets to collect residuals from syndication. SYNDICATION! I would love to watch a Scott Pilgrim vs. The World spoof where Jodie Sweetin must defeat in anime/video game style battles the Olsen twins, Candace Cameron, Dave Coulier, John Stamos and, lastly, Bob Saget. Also, Kimmy Gibbler at some point saves Sweetin, but dies in the process as well.

I get why the Olsen Twins have continued to be crazy famous, but Jodie Sweetin grew up to be a great looking girl. Candace shunned the spotlight. The Olsen Twins embraced it, but they are both mildly attractive and nightmare scary at the same time. Meanwhile, Jodie grew up to be girl next door cute and she had one upside over the Twins – she has BOOBS! Pretty big ones. I’m surprised we haven’t seen more of her because of that. She did have the Fuse show Pants Off Dance Off, but who the hell actually watched it?


3. Lauryn Hill

She’s baaaaaaacccckkkkk!! I think this is about her new album and that she is playing a concert with Snoop Dogg and the Wu-Tang in California. Yep, I was right. Honestly, that is exactly what I want Lauryn Hill to be trending for. Lauryn Hill will probably not go down in history as the highly regarded artist as she should be because she keeps falling off the radar on purpose. Lauryn will completely capture the attention of the music industry and America and once she does so, she disappears for 5 years to then come back and do the same thing again. She clearly is very talented and she clearly has some issues with being in the public eye or something. She is undoubtedly crazy talented and her worst songs are better than Beyonce’s “best” songs. Anyway, Ms. Hill is back for the moment and I hope her new album is excellent. This would be a great time for her to put out a great album. Right now, there seems to be a near limitless cache of female singers who are popular now. Most of them are cookie cutter versions of each other who are making club pop songs. It would be nice for Lauryn Hill to show the depth that a female artist can have for the 3rd or 4th time now and not fall off the face of the Earth.

4. Scholarships

Did the world become smart? Scholarships!?! Aren’t we all a bunch of dumbasses who can’t graduate high school? Fair enough. I don’t think anyone can confuse what the scholarships are for. But my fingers are crossed that the scholarships are for students looking to study science in particular. President Obama has made many comments about education and getting the US back in the seat of power in math and science. I think the way to do that is make math and science sexy – thus “Sexy Scientists”. I’m sure you need to know math to know science. I think Obama needs to start a campaign in re-inventing our image of scientists as baller ass celebrities. We need to get kids excited about science. Give scientists some attitude. I make cell phones, bitch! I’m curing cancer, motherfucker! I made watermelons seedless! I’M THE ILLEST SHIT EVER!

Also, I’m dying for scientists to just make teleporters already. I want to visit Australia without sitting on a 15 hour (is it longer than 15?) plane flight. First class or economy? Fuck it. I want TELEPORTATION!

5. Matthew McConaughey

Is he announcing he’ll be in a good movie? Because that would BLOW MY MIND! Outside of his near cameo role in Tropic Thunder it has been 8 years since I’ve seen a McConaughey movie I liked. I’m talking Reign of Fire. It is a decent enough movie and McConaughey looks like a badass in it. Some of you ladies may have enjoyed How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days – I haven’t sat through it and admitting I have would just be another knock against me on this website. So I fucking watched Gilmore Girls! I didn’t buy a Gilmore Girls duvet cover for my bed or anything. And what if I did!? What would be so wrong with going to sleep every night with both the warmth and comfort of Lorelai and Rory Gilmore in blanket form holding me?

Oh, McConaughey is trending because some clothing company remembered he was really good looking and hired him for an ad campaign. Shock me, shock me. EdTV and A Time to Kill are over 10 years old. Make a good movie damn it!


6. Jackie Evancho

No clue who this is. She is on America’s Got Talent and she is 10 and she can sing well. Um, well she is 10, so I will feel a little weird making fun of her. I try to keep all sexual advances and all slighting remarks to people at least old enough to see an R-rated movie by themselves. So Jackie gets a pass. Eh, fuck that. She’s 10? I bet she annoys the shit out of her parents, am I right? Kids are so annoying. She is in 3rd or 4th grade, right? She’s probably just learning about science and history. Did you know that salt is really sodium-chlor… sodium-chloriii… Yeah! Sodium Cholride! I know! I’m a grown ass man. I know what it is and you really don’t ever need to know what it is unless you become a sexy scientist. Did you know that Christopher Columbus discovered America in 14- Yes! Yes I did know that. What I also know, is that he didn’t discover America. You’ll find that out too. They’ll teach you he discovered this place and then a minute later the Pilgrims came over and made Thanksgiving, but all of that is lies. LIES! The dude didn’t even touch foot on American soil. And they all were a bunch of genocidal murderers anyway. Life is bleak and history is soaked in the blood of the weak. Get used to it kid.

Jackie does have a lovely singing voice.

7. Windows Mobile Phones

Windows for mobile phones? Or is Windows meaning Microsoft making a mobile phone? I bought an iphone last year hoping that would be the end of my involvement with “smart phones”. I hate that there are 600 smart phones out there and I’m constantly being peppered by new ones. I don’t care! I just wanted a phone that worked with good reception. Now I’m supposed to want a sleek and sexy phone that can take Louvre quality photos, email, text, streaming blu-ray quality movies, make me laugh and cry, play games on, work as a stereo, find me a girlfriend and whether it actually makes phone calls is really trivial at this point.

I did download the Netflix app on my iphone. It is pretty amazing that I could watch La Bamba in HD on my cell phone, but I really don’t know how/when that will come into play in my life. I guess it is cool that that is an option. I’m also of the opinion that with all this garbage of downloading apps, streaming videos, playing videogames, texting, emailing, surfing the internet and blah blah blah is the reason why my cell phone has 70% chance of dropping any call over 10 minutes.

8. Michael Douglas

Michael Douglas has throat cancer in stage 4. I didn’t know Michael Douglas had throat cancer in stage 1, 2 or 3. How many stages are there? Hopefully a million because Michael Douglas is a good actor and I enjoy a lot of his movies. If you haven’t seen the movie Wonder Boys then you are currently wasting your life. I sincerely mean that because with all that I know about people and what people like in movies – Wonder Boys has a lot of it. Great movie. Witty dialogue, fast pace, liberal smoking of marijuana, gays, people dabbling in being gay, guns, smart people, hot college age chicks who act older than they are making it ok that Michael Douglas is banging them, Robert Downey Jr.


I will say that Wall Street 2 with Shia will suck a big dick. That’s right. I couldn’t think of anything too clever for that one. A big hairy dick that smells funny. Like cabbage and sweat. Shia is the reason why that movie will suck. Also, Oliver Stone being a fucking moron will be the reason too. Also, because no one asked for a sequel nor did anyone wonder about a sequel and then 100 years later one just happens and it is with Shia and it will suck this nasty ass dick.

9. Retirement Planners

OLD PEOPLE! Or young people who just hate their jobs so much they are actively planning out how many days and hours they have to actually work to secure their retirement. I don’t even know what my plan is for Labor day weekend, let alone what my plan is for where I’m moving in a couple months, let alone what I want to do for the rest of my life, let alone retirement. So, this bores me to tears.

10. Hurricane Evacuation

EARL!!!!!!!! I bet $1000 to no one because I can’t really part with $1000 if I’m wrong that Hurricane Earl doesn’t effect any of the people who have made this topic trend. We love hyping up weather in this country. So, Earl is most likely not going to do a thing to the North East of the US. Maybe some rain and wind as if that has never happened before in the history of the United States. AHHH IT IS WATER FALLING FROM THE SKY!!!!!

So, that’s that.

Questions for Friday. Comments for any day. Labor day plans. ANYTHING!


I started writing this last Thursday night and was going to post it on Friday morning. Somewhere around the 900 word mark I thought to myself “I haven’t packed for this trip which I’m going on in a few hours”, which is coincidentally something that happens in the following story. So I stopped and packed because I’ve matured minorly since the idiocy below. But I’m finishing the story right now and I didn’t need to tell you about any of what I just told you about, but I did anyway. Also, am I the only one who thinks this guy is unhappy about receiving emails from this woman?

I’m guessing that is supposed to be his mom or even grandma, but he seems pretty un-psyched about her being able to email him. Or that is his lover and he is equally un-psyched that everyone who has a Yahoo email account knows he has an older older woman fetish. I’m taking the latter. That right hand placement is suspect.

Was this post supposed to be about geriatrics having secret sex with mentally scarred young people or about a story from when I lived in Los Angeles? Who knows? Who cares, am I right? On with the senior citizen fuckfest… actually on with the LA story.


Does that meet my quota for the day? The above mistakes are actually an elaborate code that when cracked answers all of life’s questions. That answer: The Bible and arrogant elitist white people are all the greatest and all correct about all of life. I fucking hate Dan Brown.

In honor of me having just gone to Los Angeles, I thought I would tell one of my favorite stories from when I lived in Los Angeles. I did not live in LA for too too long. It was only for a summer during my Junior of college. It was apart of a very intricate exchange program for super duper secret spies…. whoops. I probably shouldn’t have typed that and not deleted it and then kept writing the rest of this post and clicked “publish”. BAM Ahhhh I was shot with a poisonous dart and for some reason I typed the noise as well as my scream of pain that I’m sure sounded manish and not at all girly. Also that assassin somehow must’ve went back in time to kill me, but still allowed me to hit publish. He did a terrible job. I’m slowing fading like t.h..i…s…. j……o……k…….e…….. .

It was a film internship and films be in LA. The internship was through another college that I didn’t go to. I didn’t know any of the fellow interners before I went to LA, so I made these friends when I was out there, awwwwww. They put us up in the Oakwood Apartments. Four people to an apartment. That wasn’t entirely necessary for me to tell you all. But later when I’m running around the apartment in a frenzy in this story I just want you all to realize there were exactly three people watching me make a fool of myself. Anyway, there was a time limit to all of this. I had to come back to the East Coast to finish up senior year. My friends were older and were all staying out there in LA. So, needless to say my friends and I celebrated our last night in Los Angeles together the way we celebrated most nights we were in LA together: retardo drunkedness.

We started out the night like most of our drinking nights with “The Dresden”. Which you should remember because it was prominently featured in one of my favorite movies “Swingers”. The Dresden is real and it is exactly like it is shown in “Swingers”. Old school, lounge, Rat Pack-style bar. It’s a little expensive, but it’s nice. Also the older woman and older man lounge singing act from “Swingers” is also real. Nothing too remarkable happened at “The Dresden” that night. I guess I could have made something up. Uhhhh… I have to make up something on the spot… pfffft… uhhhh… Emilio Estevez gave my friend a handjob? Wha? Yeah, that works. That’s pretty “remarkable”. So, after Emilio’s handjob on my “friend” and about 3 or 4 Long Island Iced Teas we were off to the next bar.

“The Burgundy Room” is a rock and roll bar and guess what? It is burgundy colored. Shocking. I really loved this bar when I was in LA. It was a small hallway which the actual bar took up 65% of. That one room was dark with alternating wine red and black all over. The first time I was ever in the place I was greeted by AC/DC blaring, which means it was Heaven. That’s not me patronizing the Aussies neither. I love “TNT”, “Dirty Deeds”, “Thunderstruck” and all the other AC/DC songs that sound identical to “Highway to Hell”, but worse as time goes on, but are still rocking so I love them.

The best part about “The Burgundy Room” was they used to light the bar on fire. Excuse me? Yep. As if this was something out of a movie, they would light the bar on fire. They had a strip of metal running down the length of the bar. The bartenders would spray lighter fluid all over it and then light it! VFOOM! FLAMES!!!!!!! As noted prior, the place was tiny. The flames were big. Jane hurt. Need Tarzan. So, the huge blazing fire was only a few feet from you no matter where you were in the bar and the flames would easily be a few feet high.

Since that Summer, take a wild guess what happened? They stopped. No the place didn’t burn down. But eventually some asshat ruined the party and now something about fire codes and a complete lack of safety, so they don’t do it anymore. I’m saying this so you won’t rush to LA to see a bar on fire and blame me when it doesn’t happen. Unless you set it on fire. Either way, they used to set this bar on fire and they did it that night as well. The place was lit up and we were all drinking Bud Heavies and Jack Daniels and Johnny Cash’s “Ring of Fire” was playing.

We somehow made it back to our apartment complex alive at like 2:30am. Another note for later, the apartments were in the Hollywood Hills. The apartments near the bottom and the parking near the top, so you had to walk up an asphalt hill to get to your car. Anyway, instead of going to bed we headed to one of the apartments where a party was being thrown. We ended up continuing drinking and staying up even later. At this point does anyone remember that I mentioned this was my “last night” in LA and that tomorrow I was flying back to the East coast? Let me drop this bombshell on you. The flight was at 10am and I haven’t packed.

I had been living in LA for months and I had enough clothes for it too, but none of them were in my suitcases. And that is suitcases with an “s”. I also brought my laptop, a Playstation 2, a buttload of DVDs and on a drunken whim I bought an Xbox when I was in LA. Those needed to be packed too. Probably around 4am or so I stumbled into my apartment and died on my bed. I then promptly woke up at 9am in a drunken, hung over, and cold sweat sober panic. I need to pack, drop off my rental car and make my flight somehow in an hour! Even though that was completely impossible to pull off, I had to try because I’m man. And that’s what we do. Fuck things up? Sometimes. Try as hard as we can even in the face of obvious failure? All the time.

I fell asleep and woke up in the clothes I went out in. I stunk of booze, sweat, cigarettes and that greasy sleep smell. I was a mess. I ran around the apartment grabbing everything that was mine and shoving it into one of my four suitcases: 2 big suitcases and 2 carry-ons. All the clothes into the two big suitcases and any technology bullshit shoved into the 2 carry-ons. I was making rash decisions with my stuff. I know one of my roommates got a box of cigars. Whatever wouldn’t immediately fit into a bag I was giving away to them like door prizes. Now it was time to get this shit in my car.

It was the summer and in Los Angeles, so it might as well have been Africa. I was already drenched in sleep sweat, drunk sweat, hangover sweat, running around my apartment in a panic sweat and now it is hot as shit out sweat. I make a dead sprint up hill to get my car. For whatever reason, Oakwood apartments feels it necessary to water the asphalt. I know in part it was to clean it and maybe in part because it is black asphalt that is being boiled by the hot sun all day. Either way, it is like running on ice up hill.

I slip on a speed bump about half way up the hill and crash hard on my right knee and hands. My knee is split open and crimson pours down my shin like a nice peaceful Bob Ross waterfall of BLOOD! Meanwhile, my palms have that phenomenal feeling of scraping your palms across asphalt at a high speed. Also the black asphalt left black asphalt dirt all over my leg and my arms. So I smell of booze, cigarette smoke, sweat, grease, dirt and I have an open wound leaking blood.

I throw my bags into my car and I yell goodbye to my friends and I peel off in my rental car flooring it. Surprisingly enough I made it to the airport in amazing time. I dropped off the rental car quickly explaining to them that all the bumper damage from when I accidentally backed into a cement poll was completely cool and they didn’t need to worry about it. I jumped on the shuttle to LAX, checked my two big bags and ran through LAX with my two carry-ons slamming around behind me just to get to the gate in the nick of time! … or 20 minutes late.

I missed my flight.

Covered in black dirt, blood, sweat, and booze from hours earlier, I approached the lady closing up shop at the gate. She informed me that I missed my flight and that the next flight wasn’t for another 12 hours. Also, that flight was a stand-by. The only guaranteed flight wasn’t for another 24 hours after that. Great news, right!?! Fuck my life. She leaves and I’m left alone at the gate. I take a seat and call my friends and family telling them what happened. It wastes an hour or so and now I just have another 11 left until I may or may not miraculously make a stand-by flight.

I make a quick assessment of what my situation is. I stink. Real bad. I stink and look like the most affluent homeless person. If homeless people wore Abercrombie and Fitch cargo shorts and short-sleeve button up shirts and carried around two bags full of hundreds of dollars worth of high end electronics then that was me. I had no clothes to change into, but I had all the right equipment to throw one hell of a Halo gaming party. So I did the only reasonable thing I could think of. I put my headphones on and turned on some music and fell asleep on the ground in between a row of seats in the middle of the gate.

A few hours later I woke up from the feeling that people were walking over top of me. Because they were. Again, like a homeless person, people were just walking all around me and stepping over me as if I wasn’t there. I sat up and took a seat in a chair. There was a flight leaving that gate going to Miami. I took my headphones off and started thinking about my next move then two barely teenage girls sat down next to me and wanted to talk. I don’t know who the parents of these two girls were, but they did a shit job.

I am a good guy. I am trustworthy. I am generally very responsible. I am a perfectly suitable person who wouldn’t do anything wrong to your kids. But MY LEG WAS COVERED IN MY OWN BLOOD! Yep. I hadn’t cleaned up or anything at that point. Unless these two girls had the innate ability to see into my soul or read my aura, I was a big, dirty, boozey, bloody stranger and they should have never talked to me. But they did for whatever reason. What did they want to talk about? The OC season finale. Crazy enough I had seen it. I was actually the perfect guy for them to talk to and for them to tell me about how much they loved Ryan and thought Seth was the funniest. At some point, the girls left and I decided it was about time to try and make myself look presentable if more underage girls wanted to talk to me about television shows I have no business watching.

After the ghetto shower in the airport bathroom sink, I ate a hundred croissants from the Starbucks next to the gate. It was either that or a chilly dog from the place next to the Starbucks, which wasn’t happening. I sat around until the stand-by flight which I didn’t get on. I caught a cab and stayed at a motel next to LAX. I ordered a Domino’s pizza to my room and I ate the whole thing and passed out. Woke up the next morning and showered to only put on the exact same clothes I was wearing for the past two days.

I called up one of my roommates and told him the deal. He picked me up and we did errands together for his new apartment all day. That night he dropped me off at the airport and I got on that flight. I ended up getting home real early the next morning. Meanwhile, I had a friend who drove back from LA to Philly and I think I beat him by two hours. Ridiculous.

The End.

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