MARCH (MOVIE) MADNESS PREVIEWS – PART UNO

HAPPY FUCKING TUESDAY!!!!!!

Let’s get today’s topic out of the wiz-way, I will begin the long (2 day) arduous process of detailing and make bold biased predictions about movies that I just found out about minutes earlier … aka … MARCH MOVIE PREVIEWS!!!!!!

Yes! Yes. yes. March is quickly almost fastly approaching and will arrive on Thursday as tomorrow is a LEAP YEAR DAY. WOOOO!!!! FUCK YOU, MARCH! WE STILL GOT ONE MORE FUCKING DAY IN FEBRUARY!!!! I wish there were some special rules that we got to play with on February 29th because it only happens once every 4 years. Like you get to slap 4 people on their ass. Just 4 ass slaps without any repercussions. Hmmm… or you get to commit 4 minor crimes on that one day. However you want to mix and match- you can pee in public, steal anything under $10, speed 15 mph over the speed limit, park for four hours in a 2 hour spot, and some other small time criminal activity. You get a punch ticket and show it to the arresting office (if you get caught) and they will punch your ticket and you get 4 gimmes. You could spend it all on peeing in public if you like or whatever. NO LITTERING! No littering. Fucking throw that shit in the garbage, you filthy savage. This is the environment we are talking about here! Mother Earth cannot digest plastic or Styrofoam. She can digest my piss though. That’s all natural. I mean that’s good to go. But a tin foil wrap around you bacon double cheeseburger is going to kill us all! Anyway… that’s what I think should happen tomorrow… ass slapping and petty crime sprees…. woo!

MARCH (MOVIE) MADNESS!!!!!

….

Being Flynn

Are our eyes deceiving us? Bobby D and Pauly D in the same movie D?! Yes, Robert De Niro, Paul Dano, plus Julianne Moore and Olivia Thirlby are in this movie. I had not heard a single word about this movie until a few minutes ago when I started organizing this list and then found a movie review for it on the same damn website. And! The movie review is positive! Not for AIDs, but for goodness. The movie itself is based on a book that is a memoir from the main character. Anyway, the director of the movie is Paul Weitz who made movies like In Good Company and About a Boy – both quite good. A good cast, a good director, a trying personal memoir as the backbone, and, apparently, Badly Drawn Boy producing the soundtrack? Sounds promising. The story itself is about Dano dealing with his mother’s death, his own wayward life, helping his lady Thirlby work with homeless people, his dad becoming homeless and helping him, and so on and depressing, but could be a really good movie. Lord only knows about how widely this will be distributed, but if there is an actual first GOOD movie of the year – Being Flynn could be it.

Also, for all the Olivia Thirlby fanclub members (myself included), this seems a lot more promising of a movie going experience than the Judge Dredd reboot she is apart of later in the year. Just taking a big ole’ guess on that one.

Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax

Whatever. If you’re a man and let loose your seed into a woman’s vagina, which gestated into a human being after 9 months and, now, that human is between the ages of 0-10 then you should probably see this movie. If you’re a woman who let seed a man deposit his seed inside your unprotected vagina and are not taking any birth control then the above applies to you as well. If you’re a man or a woman who went through the process of adopting a baby or paying for a surrogate or just found a baby left in a changing room at a Wal-Mart and are preparing to raise that child and it is between the ages of 0-10 then you should also see this movie. Lastly, if you’re high on drugs and want to see cartoons in the theaters and have them in 3D then you should see this movie. Honestly, the rest of us not being hindered by mini-clones of ourselves or drugs can probably skip it.

Project X

Cloverfield meets Superbad or at least that’s what they want you to think. I did really enjoy Chronicle, which is all shaky handicam footage, but outside of that I have not enjoyed this odd genre of filmmaking and really don’t want to continue watching it. Project X centers around a trio of male minors who are seemingly pretty loser-like who decide to throw the biggest party ever and film it while their parents are away. I probably would have liked this idea if I wasn’t 28 going on 29 and have a fully functional hatred for youth. It’s really kids in middle school and high school that I kind of want to catch with straight right to their face. My knuckles to the bridge of their nose. It’s a wake-up and get a fucking life punch because now closing in on the period of my life where I will be twice those kids’ ages I’m realizing how fucking pathetic their realization that authority sucks and how fun being rebellious is. I might be too hard on these kids, but if a fucking 8th grade to 11th grade kid said something smartassy to me – I would absolutely lose it on them.

Also, I hate this it’s like Superbad selling point. Did they see Superbad? That movie was damn funny and not just about a dwarf for some reason being high on angel dust in an oven. Project X is a Michael Bay approach to comedy with trees being set on fire and so forth. It doesn’t look witty with the dialogue or anything. Also, as it should be – the movie appears to be about these idiots trying to get laid. I’m not sure what depth in characters there will be for the females, but I thought Superbad did a pretty good job with their two females making them a little more than eye candy and having stories to back-up their motives. Although, it is still ridiculous to think that Emma Stone was into Jonah Hill for any reason. I think Project X won’t be anything like Superbad other than young males are trying to party.

Should you see it? Probably not. Will I see it? Probably not. But who knows. I could end up seeing this. I mean I did just seeThis Means War, so I’m willing to see just about anything. At the very least, it could give me even more fodder to unleash on the unlucky barely pubescent male that I encounter one day and completely up-end his world.

Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie

I want to see this. I do. Now, should you want to see this? I’m not sure. It really comes down to one simple question with an even simpler follow-up question…

Do you know who “Tim & Eric” are? If your answer is “yes”, do you think they are funny?

If you answered “no” for either question then you shouldn’t see this movie. Unless you can answer “yes” for both questions then you shouldn’t see this movie. If you can answer “yes” for both questions then SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE! That’s as easy as it gets folks. The creative force of Tim & Eric are not creating a comedic tale for everyone – their comedy lives and stays in a world where the people who like them like them and the people who don’t like them will never understand why people like them. I guess you could say that about most comedians, but let’s just say Tim & Eric are pretty “out there”. If you are curious about this movie then go look up on the interwebz about these men. They have television shows, short videos, and other things for you to peruse to help you answer those two above questions. If you feel like jumping in head first and seeing this movie without knowing who either of these guys are or what their comedy is like then do it. What do I care? But like I said it’s an acquired taste and it’s not for everyone and I’m just giving you a heads up before you decide to spend $10 on a movie you know nothing about.

Needless to say, the movie should be absolutely ridiculous.

A Thousand Words

This man will not give up. I love it. Oh, you hated every family comedy I have made for at least the past 10 years? Well, guess the fuck what, I DON’T CARE! Here’s another family comedy featuring yours truly for you to not like. Suck on that, motherfuckers. That’s what I imagine Eddie Murphy thinks when making these movies. He also thinks “cha-ching” because Eddie is getting paid, son! The premise for the movie is sort of like Liar, Liar where a swarmy slick talking white collar type has a mystical spell placed on him and now has to learn a wild life lesson because of it. In this movie, Murphy is hit with some magic that only allows him to speak 1000 words and when those 1000 words are up – he’s dead. So, that’s funny, right? Of course, this means Murphy will engage in some odd behavior to communicate with people without talking and that will lead to … what will that lead to? Class, anyone want to venture a guess what that will lead to? Ok, let’s say it together…

HIJINX!

Yes, hijinx. Yes the good ole’ high jinks will ensue. You’re not seeing this movie, so whatever.

Friends with Kids

This movie should’ve been called “Fuckable White People”. There are a lot of fuckable white people in this movie – a lot of them. As you can see Maya Rudolph – totally fuckable – is in this movie. She’s half white, half black or whatever, but I’m just going to lump her in with the rest of these lily white assed fuckable people who are in this movie. So we’ve got – Adam Scott, Jennifer Westfeldt, Jon Hamm, Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Chris O’Dowd, Megan Fox, Edward Burns. Those are some fuckable people. Like real fuckable. Each and everyone of them you would be pretty proud to be fucking. The men and the women – attractive, funny, talented, seemingly well-groomed, and 7 out of the 8 are very topical fucks (sorry Ed Burns). There would be no regret in your voice when telling people you were up to fucking anyone of these people. Whether it is a one night stand or a week long thing or one of those when they’re in town they’re inside me things… it seems like it would be a great time. This movie is a bisexuals wet dream. A bisexual who wants to fuck white people of course.

As for the movie, it’s whatever. I mean it’s a typical comedy with these couples struggling to be parents and still be young and whatever. I saw the first 10 – 20 minutes and wasn’t in love with it, but wasn’t offended by it. Most likely because I am open to fucking white people and where ever the camera pans to there is a fuckable white person talking.

John Carter

Ugh. This looks terrible. I’m not seeing it. I guess I have a couple questions for you… Did you see Prince of Persia? Did you enjoy it? If you answered yes to these then you may have some brain damage or you are really good at focusing in on the shirtless 20 year old running around and imaging them showering with you instead of whatever they’re doing on screen. If you want Taylor Kitsch to be inside of you and you don’t mind watching him in another terrible movie then go see this. If you do care about movies being good then don’t see this movie. It looks like utter fucking garbage.

The movie itself is based on some arcane book series that focuses on this John Carter of Mars character and they stupidly won’t call the movie that. You see in the corner of the poster it has the JCM, but there is no M in the title because they changed it to just John Carter. Either way, the movie looks awful, but at least John Carter of Mars is a good title.

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

Hey chicks, does this sound like something you would like?

From the director of “Chocolat” and the Oscar-winning screenwriter of “Slumdog Millionaire” comes the inspirational comedy “Salmon Fishing in the Yemen.” When Britain’s leading fisheries expert (Ewan McGregor) is approached by a consultant (Emily Blunt) to help realize a sheikh’s (Amr Waked) vision of bringing the sport of fly-fishing to the desert, he immediately thinks the project is both absurd and unachievable. But when the Prime Minister’s overzealous press secretary (Kristin Scott Thomas) latches on to it as a “good will” story, this unlikely team will put it all on the line and embark on an upstream journey of faith and fish to prove the impossible, possible.

Good God does that sound fucking unwatchable or what? Chicks, what in the fuck movies are they making for you to see?

Literally, any straight male checked out after the first five words “from the director of ‘Chocolat'”. SKIIIIIIIIIP! I’m not even sure gay men watch this stuff. They probably do. On some dinner date with a straight woman.

Silent House

Elizabeth Olsen is a national treasure, but I doubt I’ll see this movie. If you like thriller/horror movies then see it. The gimmick of the movie is that the movie is in real-time from when Olsen starts being tracked by a murderer or a murderer who is a ghost or whatever until whatever the conclusion is. It’s also “inspired by true events”, which I guess means “white girls have been targeted for murder in houses before and this is the inspiration of said movie”.

So, if you want to see Elizabeth Olsen running around some brokedown house and screaming her head off because someone is chasing her to cut her head off then see this movie. If not, then don’t. I would recommend seeing Martha Marcy May Marlene to get your Elizabeth Olsen fill regardless of you seeingSilent House or not.

That’s the first half of MARCH!

Till next time.