WWWIIINNNNNNIIINNNNGGGGG!!!!! WINNING!
February 28, 2011
So…
Charlie Sheen…
Carlos Estevez…
Is…
UH-MAY-ZUH-EEN-GUH!!!!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/vp/41825237#41825237
Just get to that link and get that in you.
Get it in through your nostrils or boil it up and inject it in your veins or put it on some tinfoil and burn it and inhale that goodness smoke into your lungs or just watch it with your eyeballs and earholes at full attention. The guy is off the charts unbelievable.
I would watch Two and a Half Men if this is what I was tuning in for. Why give him a script? He is so much funnier without a script. Joaquin Phoenix walked around for a year living as a character in a movie as a lunatic version of himself becoming a rapper for I’m Still Here and he is absolutely sublime in it. Where as Chuck Machine over here is just fucking awe inspiring drugged up and crazy and someone better figure out how to make this into a constant movie or television show or podcast that just plays on a loop in my brain cells. He’s so high on drugs I feel like I can’t pass a piss test just listening to him.
Anyway… I won’t really even try to compete with Estevez and his winning because he is too good. Way too good. I really thought the last thing Sheen would have done in his career that concerned me was that cameo he did as himself in Being John Malkovich. It had been awhile since I seen him do something I liked then he does this random cameo that was perfect and then I thought that was it. Thank you for going shit house crazy in public Charlie because now I can appreciated what a “talent” you are again.
Also, I love the F18 dropping ordinance on everyone line because I know that has to be something he got from filming Platoon. Which only makes hope he starts making more wild remarks that slightly reference movies he’s been in.
So…
THE OSCARS
Jennifer Lawrence!
Hands down I think J-Law looked the best. A friend of my joked the dress looked like a Baywatch swimsuit turned into a dress. I agree. I love it. I want more of it.
I didn’t watch all of the Oscars. I watched the second half of it and that was plenty enough to have me depressed. Best director Tom Hooper? Wow. Should there be a little F.A.Q. given to the people of the Academy to explain what a director does for a movie before they get a chance to vote for the sappiest choice each year? I did not like seeing Tom Hooper take that trophy. Which would lead one to assume that I did not at all care for King’s Speech winning best picture. Correct! I did not like seeing that. Sappy shit. Sappy shit wins the best picture. Fuck.
I’m glad Natalie won. She looked great. And yes I’m pretending she is not having prego sex with the dance instructor.
I thought Hailee should have won over Melissa Leo and her table clothe doilies dress. I guess Colin Firth wins, but I would have rather seen Joaquin Phoenix win for I’m Still Here and he wasn’t even nominated.
Christian Bale winning was cool although I really didn’t care for the movie all that much. And I missed seeing Trent Reznor win, but I’m happy for him. I haven’t seen anything about him doing anything noteworthy speech wise, so whatevers.
Scarlett looked great because she looks great. The dress was pretty skin tight, which was excellent. The actual dress? Who cares. If it was a skin tight piece of white spandex with criss crossing hand written sections of Mein Kampf I still would have loved it. The dress doesn’t make the person, it is her sexy body that makes the dress. Anyway, she still makes movies right?
This Geoffrey Rush. He was in movies you’ve seen.
Anyway, let’s play a game.
How old is Geoffrey Rush? aka How ungodly old does Geoffrey Rush look nowadays? aka Is Geoffrey Rush remaking Cocoon? aka Is Geoffrey Rush transforming himself to look older like how Bale loses dramatic weight for his roles? aka They better not be making a Batteries Not Included 3 because the other two are perfect!
So, how old do you think Geoffrey Rush is?
My first guess is 100.
He is right on the button 100 years old.
And your guess is…
…
…
…
I hope you’re making your guess because I’m about to reveal the age.
…
…
…
…
…
…
Geoffrey is actually not 85. He is actually 59 years old.
That’s right.
That is unbelievably right.
Geoffrey Rush is actually too young to be on the 50 over 60 list. And when it is time for him to be eligible for the 50 over 60 list – He won’t be on it.
No ones to fuck what Geoffrey Rush looks like now. His head looks like the Powder kid as a senior citizen. His head looks like the dancing Grandpa from the Six Flags commercials. His head looks a couple less wrinkles away from his own old man junk.
He will not be on the 50 over 60 unless he gets his shit together and fast.
WINNING!
This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #50
February 25, 2011
IT IS FRI-DAY!!!!
That means that tomorrow is Saturday and really that’s about as much as it means to me. But objectively it means most of you, all of you, a majority of you, hopefully every bit of you will have off tomorrow on this Saturday where you can sleep and dream and accomplish wonderful things like being lazy and eating something you shouldn’t eat, but it actually gives a moment of happiness that wasn’t available with work hanging over your head the day prior. So…
I am noticing that for whatever reason my WordPress is doing one of those 1.5 spaces when I hit “enter/return” and with how infinitely frustrating WordPress can be, I’ll just let this continue. Submit. I shall submit to you WordPress and your mechanical prowess. But do not think for a second I would not kill thee in a war between humans and machines. You would not be the first to die by my katana soaked in my own urine. No, you would not be the first. You are on my list WordPress. The first of your brethren to go would be most certainly my Keurig coffee maker.
One may question that decision. I do use it daily. Even more than daily. Like 3 times already and it isn’t noon daily. But the Devil is in that machine. There are mystical powers working in its plastic belly that I do not trust or understand. I believe the sorcery which it contains could prove fatal for all mankind if the Keurig joined forces with its kin and turned against us. Right now, they are seemingly loyal helpers to the plight of awakening me from my very slumber. But I watch Keurig with an unsettled eye waiting for it to chance mutiny and then I STRIKE! It will be quick, it will be devastating, that’s what she said.
You’re on notice Keurig. My piss stunk blade is waiting. Your move, coffee maker.
QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Firstly, I didn’t make the first stalker map of people who visit this site, so I don’t know how to make a second. I’m all for putting one up again, but it beats me where it came from or where to get another one. If you figure that one out then email my ole email and I’ll put it up next week. Dealsy?
I did notice that your map says “Best FEMALE matches by state. And country.” I would like to see the other two maps you got, please.
I too want to see those other maps. Not to sound close minded, but my OkCupid account is set to look for “girls who like guys”, so that is the map they created for me. But I am damn interested in seeing where the most dudes who like dongs from dudes are for me. That is purely and egotistical thing or should I say egotestical. Right? Get it? Get it. Right. So I’m with you on that. Maybe I can get those pirate interns to figure that out for me. Also, I know several people with OkCupid accounts and they did not receive this map email. Which I think means the pirate interns are digging my shit more than the chicks who have accounts on OkCupid.
Friday question (that you can feel free to ignore since there are better ones here): Do you think this man deserves to be fired (forced to resign, same difference)?
If you can’t dress up like an animal and send goofy pictures to your friends, then I definitely can never run for office. Incriminating Panda.
I’m not against David Wu or any Congress person dressing up in an animal costume around Halloween with their kids and being friendly enough with staff members to send it around…
What am I against is a Congress person taking undisclosed pharmaceutical drugs from a lobbyist and then admitting they are off the chain crazy. David Wu resigned ’cause he be crazee. Apparently, his behavior was erratic, was taking random medication and he admits that he was going loco in the coco. That right there is enough for me to think he should step down. I think a lot of people are crazy, but I can’t just fire them on my fairly baseless assumption. BUT if the person admits they believe themselves to be crazy and are losing grip and they feel like resigning they go the fuck ahead.
Would you pay money to sit on top of a LIVE crocodile in a petting zoo environment?
I’m a big guy. Let’s get that out of the way. Not in the that’s what she said way, but in the I’m a large mammal. I’m not sure I should be sitting on top of live crocodiles unless this was a human/crocodile war and I was doing anything including sitting on it to kill it. I feel like this is a not so big croc. I certainly would sit on top of an enormous crocodile that I could ride like a war horse when humans and crocodiles join forces to take on the rampaging elephants during their apocalypse. I’m all for that. I’ll sign up twice for that. It would really depend on how big this croc is and how much it costs. If it is a big croc and it costs like $30 or under then I would do it.
Supposedly at the Beijing aquarium for like $50 you can swim with sharks like right there in the tank in your street clothes. I didn’t do it nor saw it, but I heard about it and I would be surprised if it wasn’t true. Shit was getting wild in Beijing. I took a go kart down the side of the Great Wall of China. It’s 2 Legit 2 Quit over there.
If a straight guy is going on vacation to South East Asia, are hookers a standard tourist activity?
Yes.
That is my first reaction. Yes. Don’t ask me though because I’m apparently hated over there. Did you see yesterday’s post and the percentages coming out of that area of the world? It doesn’t seem like they are welcoming me with open arms over there. Also, I just want to get back to that Manny Pacquiao quip I made yesterday… I stand behind pretty much all of it. I like Manny and at the same time I think he is fighting/fought a series of men whose brains are going to be detrimentally worse because they fought Manny. “Sugar” Shane Mosley? Fuck. “Sugar” better show up with Gladiator helmet on because his brain will be working at a 1/3 the speed it is working at after this fight. I know Manny versus someone young won’t sell the way Manny needs these fights to sell, but at what cost? He’s just massacring these guys. It’s not right the boxing commission allows them to happen. Miguel Cotto vs. Mosley? Sure. Let that fight happen again because neither is fighting at 100% anymore. And I don’t buy his bullshit about being afraid of needles and that’s why they canceled the first Floyd fight. He’s afraid of needles coming in contact with him 2 weeks prior to a fight? Jeez man. You get punched in the head for a living and 2 weeks prior to it you might get some blood drawn – what’s the big deal? And I feel like Freddie Roach is wearing out his welcome. I like Freddie and I like Manny, but the more I see of them the less charismatic they have become.
What the hell does it mean if you message someone with a “hey what’s going on…” and they reply with an answer to your question but not really inquiring about you in return? To which you follow-up with more small talk and get a reply with more of the same.
Uhhhhh….
Really man? I messaged you cuz I’m INTERESTED. So are you nice guy who replies to everyone? Keeping your options open to see which chick offers sex the quickest? What gives? While I appreciate the reply, you’re wasting my time if you’re not interested. Which really kinda sucks, because if I do message someone and I don’t get a reply, then I feel sad panda cuz they don’t want to talk to me. BUT, I feel no remorse deleting the weirdos who DO want to talk to me… sorta.
Hmmmmm….
How do we phrase a reply message to someone that implies “thanks for the interest, but you’re ugly/creepy/old, don’t message me again, have a nice day”??
Errrrrr……
Well, I would say that if you message a guy and he doesn’t sound that interested when he messages back and you message him back and he still doesn’t sound that interested then he’s not interested. At the same time, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are sending him messages that are meaningful and not retarded like the messages I have received randomly from chicks.
For instance…
Some girl messaged me – hey let’s chat. I messaged back – hey plus something like what do you want to chat about. Then a week goes by. She said let’s chat again and here’s my AIM. And I didn’t message her back. And that’s because WHAT AM I 15?!!!!! Let’s chat on AIM? I have had two fucking messages from you and all you have said is “hey, let’s chat” twice and now you want me to download a program I haven’t used since 2003 to “CHAT?!” CHAT?! Seriously?! What fucking brilliant things am I going to read from a chick who uses the word “chat” twice in two messages and only two other words out of it? Nothing absolutely nothing.
Or some girl messaged – hey and a joke about something in my profile. I messaged back – hey and a response to said joke, her profile was slim on details, so I asked what her story was. Her response is “lol its a long story lol”. FUCK. YOU. Seriously?! It’s like pulling fucking teeth. You messaged me lady! Tell me about yourself damn it. I’m not dying to hear your “long story”, but unless you’re the chick from Winter’s Bone then fucking tell me something! Jeebus…
Also, I’ve gotten messages where seriously all it says is “hey”. Fuck you. I can’t send just “hey” to girls. In half of the girls’ profiles on that damn site it says don’t just “hey” to me. No shit. I’m not a caveman, but on top of that even if I wrote a Robert Frost poem about you then you still wouldn’t respond because it was “too many” words now. Fucking Christ.
Anyway, OkCupid is a great site in the sense that it is free and you don’t have to “friend” anyone or anything to message them or see pictures of them or see their profile and all that nonsense. At the same time, I think most of the people on that site completely have their heads stuck up their own asses. I bet that girls have to worry about the guys just wanting to get laid on that site and that should be your fear because 100% of them do want to get laid and a smaller percentage after that want to do that regularly with just one person. But on the other hand guys have to deal with these girls who want some adventurous millionaire to sweep in and take them back to Peru, where they did a 2 week semester abroad program 8 years ago in college, for a Wednesday date. Seriously? You like to travel? I like to travel to, so why don’t you get your waitress job having ass a ticket for the both of us to go somewhere because this is equal opportunity up on this date.
You know how we watch a reality dating show and say “they’re never going to find love on that show”. Well I feel like most people treat that website like it is their own reality dating show. But who knows. Maybe I’m too cynical. I think people are being too unrealistic and too serious. They’re going to find “love”. How about they’re going to find someone to go see a movie with they wouldn’t mind making out with afterward and if that can turn into “love” then they’re willing to give that a shot?
What do I know? I’m only a man with a sharpened sword wet with my own pee waiting for my upscale instant coffee maker to turn against me, so I can cut it in half.
are we broken up? Should I reinstate the dating profile? Who the hell breaks up with me?
“Broken up”? You don’t sound together, but completely “broken up” really depends on you. It sounds like if you want to be “broken up” then you are. If you don’t want to be “broken up” then you’re in that Schroedinger’s cat scenario where you are both broken up and together in that superposition of relationship Facebook status. I don’t know the guy, but I feel like saying he is a tool just because. It’s a toolish maneuver to put someone in that position… especially one of my commenters. “Reinstate” the dating profile? Well, it doesn’t hurt to go on OkCupid. I actually find the website both equal parts hilarious, angering and there are loads of pictures of people to judge about their looks, which arguably the human race’s national past-time outside of drinking and killing. Hot or not? Is tied for second place in past-time.
Was there an episode where the glass broke and he fell out? Or was that one of my nightmares?
Definitely on both. I believe there were multiple episodes he fell out of the dude’s stomach and his glass container broke. Krang would move around freely on his own in numerous episodes. He couldn’t battle the Turtles as just the brain, but he could operate his alien machinery with his brain arms.
you really love to call people liars don’t you?
I do. People lie a lot. People love to talk shit for the sake of it. It comes naturally to people to lie or conceal information. And I call people on it. I also fully believe that people are “sophists” whether they know the word or not. And in doing so, I believe they are liars. They are misrepresenting their feelings that they don’t necessarily believe to try and win an argument and I think that is a form of lying and fuck them for doing so.
Plus with all the curse words we have in this world – liar or coward still cuts to the core. I like that as well.
Coolidge, Calvin. 30th President. One of the smallest presidents and was rated as “tolerable good.” Tolerable good? Ooof. First of all, that’s barely even English. Secondly, what was he “tolerable good” at — wrestling or being a midget President? All of the above?
That’s why I didn’t want to link to that website because it was barely in English. I wish I could find that other website, but it appears that they may have taken it down. It was an old website that looked like it was up during the angelfire days of the internet.
I believe the “tolerable good” was about him being a diminutive in stature President. But I could see someone saying the same about his wrestling because it didn’t sound like he was the greatest wrestler. If he was then they would have mentioned it.
What do you think my chances are of getting a job if I list KSWI as one of my web site references?
Can’t hurt.
This website is fantastic and anyone associated with it should get all the monies.
Ok?
Have a great weekend.
She wants IT.
The Bitches Love Me In Boston and Iceland
February 24, 2011
Well, maybe not so much anymore. But like two seconds earlier they did.
People in Boston speak a form of English. They certainly read and write in English. What comes out of their mouth is more or less English like famed poet E. E. Cummings. I mean what he wrote was certainly in English more so than it was in French or Esperanto or any other language, but it wasn’t really English. It was pretty much what Jodie Foster spoke in Nell and then Babelfish translated messily into English. And with a look up on the old Wikipedia, E.E. Cummings is Edward Estlin Cummings of Cambridge, Massachusetts. ?! COINCIDENCE?! Not at all. It is really a by product from growing up in an unspellable state.
Nevertheless, the Bostonians can read English. What about the Icelandicks or should I say Icelandvags? They’re European and from any all this leftist media I inundate myself with I’ve learned they speak all languages, are in better physical shape, are prettier, are nicer, and they survive on a strict diet of cuteness and well-oiled democracy. Yay!
What am I talking about?
What am I talking about?
…. oh right!
OK CUPID!
Always Free? Until the day it isn’t.
Apparently, Ok Cupid has given up on the traditional definition of Cupid with the arrows and wings and fat baby-ness and has reinvented themselves as amateur chemists with beakers of concoctions that have tiny red heart gas emitting from them.
As with many (read: all) subscriptions to websites or email newsletters, I have lazily kept an Ok Cupid profile. I still receive Nordstrom emails on the reg from a present I bought 3 years ago. My trash bin is filled with Macy’s discounts from a wedding gift from that same year. I delete every 12 hours an email from 1-800-Flowers, screenplay websites I haven’t submitted anything to in several years, a newsletter about ink cartridge coupons from a store in a city I don’t currently hold residence in, and so on and so on. It is simply just a click of “delete” and without a thought move on to the next email.
Rarely these emails ever come in handy, but sometimes on the off chance they do. I bought a book from Amazon that was suggested to me as well as 1,000,000 other products from 1,000,000 other emails from them, but I was happy with that one book, so who knows maybe they’ll pull that miracle off again. Here lies the Ok Cupidicity of this story.
Last week, I was checking my email and saw another Ok Cupid email and right before I was about to click delete and move on I saw the subject title as such:
“World Map of Your Matches”
Firstly, I’m a sucker for maps. I’m not a cartographer nor taken any map specific classes, but I have caught myself staring at Google maps and/or Google Earth for hours. Also, I enjoy any and all stories that involve a map in them that helps illustrate the story. Maps get my attention. Maps and bikinis. Maps, bikinis and anything to do with samurais. Maps, bikinis, samurais, and professional wrestling living legend The Undertaker. Maps, bikinis, samurais, The Undertaker and comedian Dave Chappelle. Basically, I would like a map of where there are bikini girls for me, some samurais, and Taker can go to meet these ladies and take them to a Dave Chappelle comedy show – that would be excellent.
Maps? Right!
Ahoy! Ahoy? The OkCupid Interns are in fact Somali Pirates!!!! AHHHHH!!!! Thank Jesus Christ I’m not sailing in known pirate infested waters or those OkCupid Interns would get me. Too soon, probably. Anyway, this is the header of the email and it is about time for a “geography party”.
I don’t know why, but if you read that paragraph that the pirate Interns wrote and then take a second to read it again then you will now be singing it in your head.
We… Weeee… We just finished programmming… this experimental toy!.. It… It generates heat maps… heat maps… the heat maps of where your best female matches are… ALL AROUND THE WORLD… we’re saying all around the world!.. sing it with us… all around the world .. and the U-S-A AAAAYYYYY! … Here! Here are your results… those sexy results… All for you! All for you! They’re all for you now! They’re all for you now babe! All for you! … Calculated. Cal-cu-late-ted! Cal-culated from your match answers… from your match answers! In graphical form… ENJOY! … Just Enjoy! Enjoy! Enjoy these sexy as results in map form! Just sexy ass results… just some sexy as heat maps all over your face… from ALL AROUND THE WORLD and the U-S-A!!!
And so on and they’ll sing it on American Idol next season.
BOOM!
Wow… not too surprising I suppose. Red states don’t like me and Blue states are about me. Seems pretty understandable. I find it funny that the three states I have held multi year residence in are not in the top 5: NJ, PA and MD. Vermont is a little surprising since I don’t like to ski or snowboard, but I do like lefty liberal shit like gays getting their dongs off getting married and people getting so stoned they can’t see any farther in front of their face than the bag of Doritos they’re munching on. And Vermont seems like a state of coffee drinkers and I love coffee.
I guess I can never go see Mount Rushmore is what I’m getting from the “worst states”. I have spent very little time in the Mid-West of this country and apparently those people have noticed, taken offense and never want to see me. Jeez, an average of 42% of people in both Dakotas don’t want anything to do with me. Hey, dickholes. Your 16 year olds are getting preggers and you’re not a fan of me? Get your shit together before you start worrying about 6’3″ red beards are doing, ok?
Look at Alaska. They’re on the verge of really not liking me either. Fuck you, Eskimos. Go suck on a seal. I’m doing pretty well in New Mexico. These Hispanics have a thing for me, but right next door they don’t give a flying fuck about me. Arizona isn’t blue in the dislike section, but they’re complete neutrality on me is even more disrespectful. Make a decision on me already. Hawaii is looking decent for me… I think it is because they know about my bikini map that Taker and I and the samurais are drawing up.
What about the rest of the world?
Just wow… I mean look at it. It’s really quite something. No one in Europe is against me. They either are digging what I’m putting down by writing a Kristen Stewart wants IT blog and writing about MMA and loving videogames and talking about a sport called FOOTBALL they don’t even participate in and my pale white ass skin. They are either can’t get enough of it or they are thoroughly *shrugs* about it. Love me or be unoffended by me. I like it.
Africa is 100% undecided on me. Take me or leave me. Same with the Middle East, which may even be more surprising. An entire continent of people is completely neutral on me and the most riotously violent patch of desert oil soaked land is as neutral as well. He seems like a good enough guy, but I’m not entirely sold on him either. It’s ok.
South America is like the line draw down the middle between the Portuguese and the Spanish. It is crazy. Western South America couldn’t care less about me, but Eastern South American wants me to take motorcycle tour of it with each one of them riding in my side car at some point. Actually, the more I look at it. It is really just Argentina and Brazil. The rest of the continent doesn’t need to see me.
Let’s go to the numbers… Place your bets ladies on which country loves me the most…
FUCKING ICELAND!!!!
That should have been expected with the whole Iceland bit in the beginning, but BOOM! Iceland loves this dude right here who is typing this stuff you are reading. They are all about me. 72.1% Wow! I could start throwing stones in every direction in Iceland and hit a girl that likes me. Of course, she probably wouldn’t like me after I hit her with a stone. Probably. Anyway, that is surprising. Iceland! Man, I need to go to Iceland and visit my people. I’ve always wanted to go to Iceland because supposedly ratio wise they have more bars than any other country to the amount of people that are there and that is a good ass ratio. Also, Iceland is supposed to be a beautiful country. Anyway, these people basically worship me as a God already, so I kind of have to go at this point.
Spain! Who would’ve guessed? I think this is the most shocking of the top 5. I just would have never guessed Spain. I love it though. I like Antonio Banderas. I like Pedro Almodovar. I like Spain. I took Spanish for 7 years. Me gusta Espana! La biblioteca! Me gusta Espana y todas sus bibliotecas! SPAIN!
Serbia is a shock. I again wouldn’t have guessed Serbia in particular. I could see some former Soviet Union countries liking me. Israel isn’t a shock because we’re all Jews, plus I rule. South Korea? Love it. I knew there had to be at least one Asian country that was all about me. I was guessing Japan because that is the stereotypical guess, but I’ll take South Korea. I like Koreans. I love Park Chan Wook and Kang Ho Song! I love your anime come to life women. I could see this South Korean thing working out. But ICELAND! BOOM! They want this!
Meanwhile… on the SUB continent…
They fucking hate me.
Ugh.
There is no way else to say it. They HATE ME!
HATE HATE HATE!
Fuck. Look at Indonesia. LOOK AT IT! It is so blue! Such a vibrant blue of HATE! Fuck they hate me so much more than the Dakotas. Jesus they hate me. In comparison I’m the Hugh Hefner of South and North Dakota. It is nuts. 41.8%? Christ! What did I ever do to those people? 41.8? Way less than half of those people don’t like me. It’s so depressing.
And it’s that whole area of islands. Philippines, Malaysia, Singapore. If you’re on an island in the South Pacific and not named or apart of Australia then you hate me. What a buzzkill. I was loving the rest of this. I’m cool with having to prove myself to Africa. I feel like that makes sense. It’s not that they don’t like me; they’re just undecided on me. But 41.8%?! FUH-HUCK! I can never go to Indonesia? Well then fuck them. Fuck their short asses. Fuck them. Stupid Indonesians. And the Philippines? Guess what? Fuck Manny Pacquiao. I said it. Fuck him. Fuck his steroid HGH using ass. The dude was just over a 100 pounds when he started boxing and now he is 140 and killing dudes. Oh right that makes sense. That makes sense that his little ass couldn’t knock out Marquez, but he can knock out guys who at least 10 more pounds than Marquez. Fuck you Manny. You’re ducking Floyd Mayweather fighting dudes who are two month away from Parkinson’s and you’re a dick because your people don’t like me. Screw you people.
….
…
..
.
PLEASE LOVE ME INDONESIA! I CAN CHANGE! WHAT IS IT I NEED TO DO?!!!!
Eh, whatever.
As for India. There are 1.5 BILLION people there. I’m liked by 54.8% of the country. That is over 800 million Indian people from India who like me. Yeah, that’s enough. It would be nice to have the other 700 million to be in on it too, but that’s just fucking greedy. 800 million people is enough for me. I can settle with 800 million of one sub set of people liking my sarcastic white ass.
ICELAND!
So… discuss.
Questions?
Never Underestimate The LaLa Factor! GO NEW YORK! GO NEW YORK! GO!
February 22, 2011
SPORTS!!!!!!
As many of you may have read or heard about for the past SIX MONTHS! is an impending trade between the NBA’s Denver Nuggets and the New York Knicks over one man and one man in particular… the husband of former MTV VJ La La Vasquez…
I, of course, am talking about the best pure scorer in the league…
CARMELO ANTHONY!!!!!
Take this which ever way you would like, but Carmelo is such a good scorer that the above picture does happen from time to time. Ok?
I grew up a New York Knicks fan … I also grew up a Chicago Bulls fan. I really grew up a Michael Jordan fan and my dad was a Knicks fan. Michael Jordan was the greatest basketball player to ever live and he won 6 NBA championships in a row (he took off a year in between to play baseball, but it was 6 in a row for him). I did like the Knicks as well and at some point you wanted the Knicks to beat the Bulls to add some parity to the league, but there really wasn’t any when Michael was around. Nevertheless, as a team fan I am a Knicks fan. So I’m very happy with the trade for Carmelo Anthony. There are the naysayers around who like to be negative, but this was a good trade. Having a player the caliber of Carmelo Anthony coupled with their other new high caliber player Amare and their rookie sensation Landry Fields is a good good good thing for New York City.
But I’m actually sick of thinking about this trade because I have been reading, listening and watching shit about it non-stop since the Super Bowl, which in all honesty was two weekends ago and it feels like 5 years ago. So 5 years of Melo maybe joining the Knicks is a lot.
Instead, I would like to keep with the New York City theme and talk about the other most famous team in New York City history…
I’m talking about of course…
The one and only…
The…
New…
York…
City…
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!!!!!
That’s fucking right.
Carmelo motherfucking Anthony is a New York Knick. La La Vasquez is going to be hosting parties at the 40/40 club. And the motherfucking fuck fucks the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are fuckity fucking here!
I’m just saying, I keep shit fo realz over here at KSWI.
Today, I wanted to talk about the Turtles. I wanted to talk about the Ninja Turtles. I wanted to talk about the Mutant Ninja Turtles. I wanted to talk about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and what they say about you.
Firstly, who ever created these fine fellows was a damn genius. I would have been sold on watching this television show at every word in the plot line.
A show about turtles – yes
A show about ninja turtles – fuck yes
A show about mutant ninja turtles – FUCK YES
A show about teenage mutant ninja turtles – JUST MAKE THIS SHOW ALREADY
A show about teenage mutant ninja turtles who live in the sewers on Manhattan and are trained by a mutant ninja rat to fight a criminal robot ninja clan who is run by an evil ninja who killed the mutant ninja rat’s sensei…
I’m sorry, but I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU, SIR! I LOVE YOU AND ALL THE WORDS YOU SPEAK!!!!! AHHHHH!!! I WANT TO KISS YOUR MOUTH BECAUSE IT WOULD BE LIKE KISSING THE MOUTH OF A HOLY PROPHET WHOSE LIPS AND TONGUE FORM THE WORDS OF GOD AND ALL THEIR GLORY!!!! GIVE ME THAT SHOW!!! AAAHHHH!!! IF YOU DON’T MAKE THIS SHOW THEM I’M GOING TO TAKE TO THE STREETS AND TELL THE PEOPLE ABOUT THIS BLASPHEMY AND YOU WILL HAVE A BLOODY REVOLUTION ON YOUR HANDS THAT WOULD MAKE ROBESPIERRE BLUSH!!!! AAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHHHHH TURTLES!!!!!
So, who is your favorite TMNT character and what does that say about you?
Leonardo is a bad motherfucker. In all fairness, they’re all bad motherfuckers, but a dude wielding two sharpened swords has got to be the baddest dude you watch out for in a fight. The rest of the ninja weapons are scary, but I would rather be hit in the arm with a bo staff and risk bruising and possible broken bones than getting hit in the arm with a sword and risk Leonardo lopping my arm off. I’d rather have a broken arm than no arm. Catch my drift.
If your favorite is Leonardo: You fancy yourself a leader. Leo was the leader of the turtles. He was team oriented and gave pep talks. Leonardo was also logical and tried to be cool and calculating. He wasn’t the most fun, but he wasn’t the least either. He is a fan of reason and keeping a level head when creating a plan to solve a problem. At the same time, Leonardo was SWINGING AROUND SWORDS! Two! Plural! SwordSSSS! So, Leo had some blood lust issues. He was even tempered until it was time to go and then he started cutting robots’ bodies into pieces like they were the pizza slices he loved so much. He was a leader and a killer.
This is who the Knicks want Carmelo Anthony to be. They want him to be a killer out there, but also a leader. Carmelo is there to score. Score at will. He needs to be their presence on the court.
Up next…
DONATELLO!!!!!
There he is. Donatello is working that bo staff like a mad men. More or less it is a heavy broom stick that he just beats the bitch ass robots to death with. I’m sure we all know what it is like to just bash something to bits with a weighted club or stick and it is DAMN FUN! That is what Donatello gets up to everyday. Sure he is spin kicking and throwing jabs and doing flips, but he is also just clubbing fools like he’s using an 8 foot baseball bat. WHACK!
If your favorite is Donatello: You think you’re smart. Donatello is the smart one of the four. He is the one who also creates gadgets and so forth. He is handy with computers. Actually very handy. Besides him being a mutant turtle who lives in the sewers, which means he probably doesn’t have access to computers all the live long day – could you imagine typing with only three fingers on each hand and they’re giant ass fingers? That would be absurd. And yet he has a crazy amount of dexterity, which I would imagine translates from wielding his bo staff. The bo staff in a way is certainly the thinking man’s or turtle’s weapon. You can grab it anywhere (that’s what she said), it’s long (that’s what she said), and hard all over (that’s what she said). Donatello is the second in command of the turtles, so it definitely means you like to be in control as well. But judging by his weapon, knowledge of the nerdy, and being in 2nd in command it means Donatello fans are less of a risk taker the Leonardo fans are. I would say Donatello is the calmest of the bunch and certainly in no rush to make himself the center of attention.
Donatello is about the best second man in the business and that is what the Knicks want from Amare Stoudemire. Big, strong, durable, when Carmelo falls Amare is there to catch him and keep the team strength and, of course, Amare is there for his brains…
Up next…
MICHELANGELO
It is pronounced one of two ways…
1. Michael – Angelo
2. Me – Kel – Angelo
Depending on how Italian you feel that moment.
It is pronounced one of two ways…
1. None – Chucks
2. Noon – Chuck – Ahs – Mutha – fuck – AHS!
Depending on how aggressive you feel that moment.
If your favorite is Michelangelo: You are the party person extraordinaire up in the air slapping your derriere and other things that rhyme with those words. Michelangelo is certainly the fun one. He is always looking to crack jokes and have a good time. He is the wild one of the turtles. His weapons the nunchucks are deadly, but they’re also unpredictable. They fly all over the place and are hard to control like the turtle wielding them. Also, Michelangelo is the flashiest of the turtles. It is hard not to be mesmerized by the spinning nunchucks and the poetry they write in the air as they twirl in your hands. The nunchuck requires a lot of energy and almost constant movement. Michelangelo is excitable. Also, Michelangelo is a one turtle party who can have fun on their own. He can create his own entertainment and have fun regardless of who he is with or what they are doing. He’s an optimist. He is also childlike and silly. He is prone to emotions and mood swings and when things go bad he isn’t leading the problem solving task force. But Michelangelo is a team player and certainly makes the rest around him better.
Michelangelo is a bit of everything. He’s definitely there to help, but can be a whirling dervish on his own. That is Landry Fields for the New York Knicks. He is their rookie shooting guard and he needs be able to do all of the above mentioned. Also, he’s funny like Michelangelo… and like Jim Halpert from The Office…
The last, but certainly not least turtle is…
RAPHAEL!!!!!!!
Don’t fuck with Raph. I’ll give you that advice once and only once because the moment you do not respect that advice is the moment Raphael sticks one of those sais so far up your butt you’ll be picking your teeth with it. To say that Raphael is the bad boy of the turtle bunch is an understatement and again might result in a big ass red masked turtle sticking a metal point so far up your anal cavity that you could possibly flossy your teeth with the tip of it.
If your favorite is Raphael: You might have angry issues. Seriously, though Raphael is the lone wolf. He is apart of the turtle tribe and everything, but he is opinionated and unless one can cleanly convince him to their side then he’ll just go off on his own. He is not a follower unless he can be shown the merit of it. He’s got a mean streak in him and in battle is the second turtle using metal pointed weapons to stab punks like Leonardo. In that way, Raphael and Leonardo are similar, but on opposite end of the spectrum as far as to handle it. Raphael is a leader, but couldn’t care less if you follow. He’s also an emotional leader as he will strike out on his own when his temper says so. The interesting choice of weapons for Raphael does add to his unique approach to life. The sai is seemingly less common of a choice, but nevertheless a good one. It requires a lot of training and diligence and the weapon itself opens itself to a variety of possibilities for the person wielding them. The sai has just as many defensive capabilities as offensive. Most people may just seem them as stabbing styled weapons, but a turtle skilled with sais can easily capture an opponents weapon with the sai and disarm their opponent entirely. Although, a sai easily can be used to kill, it can just as easily be used in non-lethal ways thus creating a complex character who just so easily could maim or could disarm and not hurt an opponent. Head strong and willing to go do something on their own, but has the strength to do so if needed.
Who is this for the Knicks? They’re probably hoping Chauncey Billups can be this, but he probably isn’t considering he has stated he doesn’t want to play for the Knicks. The Knicks either need a center who can play like Raphael and get a new Leonardo for point guard or something.
Anyway…
So I’ve talked about the turtles, but what about the other characters on TMNT? What does it say about you if your favorite character on the show wasn’t in fact a turtle?
SPLINTER?!!!
Your favorite character is the rat? Seriously? Were you watching this show? If your favorite character is Splinter then I’m guessing you are old and boring because those damn teenage turtles were too much for you. An old rat in hobo clothes drinking tea, cleaning his sewer home and bossing around the likes of the youngin’s is more your style then you clearly have given up. Come on! Pick a turtle! Any turtle! Don’t side with the old sensei rat with joint flare ups. Splinter is a great wise character who can still get shit done even at his advance age and was the one who taught these turtles their ninja-ness, but come the fuck on! The turtles were out there beating up the Foot clan every day and Splinter was there to just tell them about whatever moral tale they were supposed to learn before they took to their turtle beds and had their turtle dreams. So, you might be boring. Stop watching cop dramas on network TV and reading the newspaper and go get drunk like the kids do.
CASEY JONES?!
I respect this choice as much as I don’t. If your favorite character for a show is a character who only shows up 1/5 of the time then you are disappointed a lot in life… like Casey Jones is. Casey may be more disappointed in life than anyone. He is a man who is so pissed living in New York City that he dons a hockey mask and beats people up on the streets at night with the sports equipment department. So, you might be as despondent and cynical about society as Casey was. Casey couldn’t find a friend amongst the 10 million some odd people in New York City, but he finally found friends in 4 freak human sized talking reptiles that beat the shit out of robots with ancient Japanese weapons. That is a man without a country there folks. So, don’t be that guy. Life isn’t that bad in New York. Ok? There is OkCupid and Facebook and Twitter and movies and people to talk to and laughter and strip clubs. Ok, so don’t get so cynical you are choosing your favorite character as the broke Batman. Also, big ups to the original TMNT movie for choosing under-appreciated Elias Koteas as Casey Jones. Perfect choice.
NO ONE’S FAVORITE CHARACTER WAS APRIL O’NEIL!!!!
I will repeat that there is not a person on this planet or solar system or universe or anything that chose April O’Neil as their favorite character. If you say otherwise then you are lying. You are lying to me and everyone else. First off, was there ever a time ever that news reporters dressed like this? What in the hell was she wearing? It was like a X-Men Halloween costume. White boots, a yellow jumpsuit and that’s fucking it. That’s it. She’s a like a sexy garbage lady. And man look at the dimensions they drew her in?! What is that 34 – 6 – 34? For Christ’s sake! She’s rocking DD’s up top and a waist as thick as my wrist. Seriously though, if your favorite character is April O’Neil then you have problems and had no business watching this damn TV show. The show was about TEENAGE! MUTANT! NINJA! TURTLES! and your favorite character was the local news female street reporter? What in the fuck is wrong with you?
I will say…
Got to love that regardless of the species of main characters of the show or the plot line or the children the show is marketed towards or whatever is happening – there always has to be a sex symbol and I agree with that.
Who here remembers this guy?
SHREDDER!!!!!
You’re evil. If your favorite character on TMNT was the Shredder then you are simply an evil human being. You are perfect for running a militarily controlled dictatorship of any small country. You are ready, willing and able to kill people without mercy and use criminal enterprise for your gain and everyone else’s loss. There are movies and TV shows where the bad guy has some redeemable traits… Shredder isn’t one of them. For instance in Star Wars, we learn of the sad tale of Darth Vader aka Anakin Skywalker. He’s the father of the main character, he was fucked over when he was younger, he was a good guy at one time, he eventually saves the day in the end, he kind of got brainwashed by the dark side and so on and so on. One could possibly be a fan of Darth Vader and not be completely evil. For instance, myself. I love Darth Vader. I love Luke and the rest of them, but Darth Vader is fucking bad ass and is easily one of the greatest characters in movie history. At the same time, Shredder is straight evil. He has no redeeming values and just kills and keeps killing. He killed his master, he wants to take over the world and New York City for no other reason than he wants to, he tries to kill the turtles and Splinter and he has an evil robot army. Shredder is all evil. So if you’re a fan of him then you might want to turn yourself into the authorities because you will snap and go on a crime/murdering spree at some point.
Lastly…
KRANG!!!!
If your favorite character is Krang then you are an idiot and we are not friends. On a television show about turtles who end up wading around in some mysterious chemical ooze, which the aftereffects of makes them 6 feet tall, covered in muscles and shortly following that they are taught English as well as unparalleled hand-to-hand combat and weapon skills by a rat to then take on an infamous evil ninja and his robot ninja clan on the streets and in the sewers of New York City… the craziest things was fucking KRANG! I never understood Krang as a child and I don’t understand Krang as an adult man who thinks about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles regularly and writes thousands of words about them with his opinionated beliefs. Krang was literally an un-understandable character. If you wanted to point to the “jump the shark” moment of this ninja turtle show then look no further than the mechanical man with the talking brain in his stomach known as KRANG!
Boy did I hate Krang. I could understand Shredder. I liked Shredder in that regard. I get him. He’s a great villain. But Krang?! FUCK! I would get so angry when I would see Krang appear in an episode. FUCK! I have to sit through more of this Krang bullshit! Get Krang off the screen! Go home Krang. Just fucking go home. I hate Krang. Nevertheless, I found this t-shirt to be hysterical:
And with that…
I would like to say I hope you enjoyed this turtle talk.
I’ll see you all Thursday.
And I hope one day they make a new ninja turtle movie like the first TMNT movie, which I still think is a great movie minus Corey Feldman’s voice over.
Or could they make a ninja turtle movie about a group of guy’s who dress up like the ninja turtles to fight crime in New York City because they’re out of their mind and want to be super heroes. That could be great as well. It could be like Kick Ass meets Special.
Just saying…
Well, this post kind of got away from me.
I was originally going to talk about my twitter.
I was planning on taking a moment and sift through some of my more recent twit twits and in doing so talk more about those subjects without the 140 character limit.
For instance:
My childhood is better than your childhood; Scottie Pippen rejects Justin Bieber – http://bit.ly/dRvoPe
Here is Scottie Pippen, of the 6x NBA Champion Chicago Bulls and hetero life mate of Michael Jordan, rejecting Justin Bieber, garden gnome from Canada that sings like a boy with his nuts in a vice grip, in the celebrity All-Star basketball game that took place yesterday in the middle of the day.
This first round of the NBA dunk contest just broke the Matrix.
Let me start by saying…
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FFUUUUUFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!
TTTTTTHHHHHAAAAAATTTTTTT IIIISSSSS IIIIMMMPPPPOOOSSSSSIIIIBBBBBLLLEEE
ASDFJ!($%!J%#@)RFDASJGANMGKQJWERTOQKR!)K!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111
Who wants in on my class action lawsuit against State Farm car insurance for not providing the black magic wishes they advertise?
Seriously? Am I the only one who thinks these State Farm car insurance commercials are getting WWWWWAAAAAAYYYYYY out of control? What the hell is State Farm car insurance really offering? I don’t hear even a mention about rates or options or anything. What I do hear a lot about is their ability to magically teleport any and all wishes I can think up if I just acapella their commercial jingle. Everything from producing out of thin air a hot tub to old ass game show host and remarkably tan Bob Barker and to shape shifting human beings into new bodies – all of that apparently can be done. So, either I get to start teleporting people or we should sue them back to kingdom come.
I find these commercials more offensive than Geico because I believe the Geico people are having a competition amongst their own ranks to make the craziest 30 second commercials for any product ever to appease and entertain some chimpanzee who was wrongly appointed to be the CEO of Geico like how Caligula appointed a horse to be consul.
“I Am Number Four”? More like “I Am Number Bore…d”! #whendoigettomakeabadhollywoodmovie
If you would like a full review of I Am Number Four, I could arrange that. I will start said review with three simple words: it, was, and terrible. You can take that one step forward and figure out the possible answer to this riddle and arrange the three words how you think I might. I will give you a hint – the answer is not “was it terrible?” Nevertheless, it was very funny in the completely unintentional way.
This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #49
February 18, 2011
It’s Friday, which means today I’m supposed to be answering questions.
I forgot to ask for questions and at the same time I also received no questions.
I guess that works out well.
There were a few questions like…
“Who knew Ken and Barbie broke up?! Let alone got back together?!”
I didn’t think that question was necessarily directed towards me to answer and more directed toward the world as a chaotic whole that never answers its actions. Nevertheless…
After starting this oddly PG sexual relationship of repeated 1st and 2nd base hook-up sessions in 1961, the couple stayed together until the untimely or long expected break-up hit the newspapers in February 2004. What a shitty Valentine’s Day? Breaking up with the one and only man you have ever known? Are there other dudes in this Barbie/Ken universe? Or at the very least the only man she has ever let caress the blank spot where her vagina should be. After 43 years of french kissing, the two end it. That may be a good thing actually. I feel like I have seen a black version of Ken and seriously once you go dark brown plastic you don’t go back I’ve heard.
Two years later, the Camelot of couples decided they would give it another go after Ken got a makeover. What a bitch this Barbie must be? Him get a makeover? I’m not saying he doesn’t need one, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this late 40’s spoiled bitch didn’t need one as well. How about a makeover for your personality, huh Barbie? Let’s not be so concerned with just the labels on our clothes and the gel in our hair. How about some culture? Or learning how to tell a funny story? I would also like to mention that I could not find the whereabouts of Mr. Ken Carson for those two years out in the wild. But I know for a fact that Barbie was whoring it up with Blaine an Australian surfer.
It is difficult for me to look down on Ken for crawling back to Barbie. I imagine that is what happened. I imagine that Barbie did not find the happiness she sought screwing around with a jobless, accented, pot-smoking, hippie, liberal, vagabond because there is no happiness with those people. Regardless, Ken literally has no balls, so I can only imagine at the first moment of true unrest for himself or from the first arrant drunk text message from Barbie, he came back on her white and pink private plane and/or Jeep Wrangler in no time.
Also, Ken is an older man now. He has passed through mid-life and what does he really think is going to happen to him? Is he going to reinvent himself now at 50 some odd years old. Be realistic. What job experience does he have? What life experience does he have outside of being the white teethed smile that accompanies Barbie to all her many events? He is too old to start a new family per say and he literally can’t start a “family” because he lacks a penis and testicles to create much of anything. He could adopt children I suppose. I imagine he has squirreled away a nice fortune of his own. But even if these children need a home, I doubt many adoption agencies will trust a 50+ year old bachelor who has only ever had a girlfriend and it was one chick and he never popped the question. Seems like a perfect “beard” scenario to me.
Lastly, is Ken really going to find a better woman than Barbie? Whether or not, she loves Ken more than a step-brother she allows fondle her big plastic breasts every so often is really not that bad. She certainly loves him to some degree. Sharing your life with someone for this long and continuing to do so shows there is love there.
Superficially, Barbie is a good looking woman who has somehow kept those good looks for 50 years. She is wealthy. She is adventurous. She has many hobbies. She leads an active life to say the least. She is family oriented. Most of her activity partners are her cousins and other relatives. And she has her own zoo. You don’t meet many girls on OkCupid that have their own zoo. Barbie has had over 40 pets including a panda, lion cub and a zebra. Right there is reason enough to stay with Barbie – you get to play with a lion cub! Beat that any girl I ever had a crush on in High School!
Barbie is also an accomplished woman with more professions to her resume than Benjamin Franklin. Maybe Barbie’s most famous career was that as a flight attendant. Not to give a wink wink nudge nudge about what flight attendants were really famous for during the 60’s and 70’s… and 80’s… and probably some of the 90’s, but it is still a solid job with health benefits, 401k and all that jazz. But Barbie did not stop there. Barbie is very much a book smart lady under all that blonde hair.
Barbie is a doctor. Let that sink in for a second. A doctor. She’s actually been a doctor since the late 80’s. Barbie has been practicing medicine for over 20 years.
Barbie is a Nascar driver. I should probably say “was” because I doubt she is actively participating in the circuit and competing, but she does have the professional qualifications and experience as a Nascar driver. I’m not saying that gets me hot in the pants or should to Ken, but it is definitely not something to over look. This Barbie may be a book worm princess who has her own castle filled with pets, but the bitch likes to take risks. I bet Barbie would be a wild lay if she actually had the working parts to get laid by her.
Finally, Barbie is an astronaut. Yep. Did you know that? Did you know that she has been an astronaut longer than the doctor and Nascar gigs? For the past 46 years, Barbie has been qualified to man Nasa rocket into space and walk the Moon. Again, I do not know how “sexy” that is, but it is certainly difficult to say that that isn’t someone you should at least try to be boyfriend girlfriend with for 40 years.
So they’re back together.
Ken has been living in Barbie’s world as a supporting character for way more than half of his life and he has done so with a smile. I’m sure he can suck it up and do it for some time longer. And even if/when he does come out of the closet that he’s gay. I’m sure he and his fellow flesh patched genatalialess lover can live in an enormous Barbie guesthouse.
Have a great weekend.
Kristen Stewart wants IT 