New Years Eve is tomorrow and I love you

Hello,

I’m sorry for the lack of updates. I’ve been pretty lazy with posting recently due to writing for money or holidays or painting rooms in this new house or doing something that was making me neglect my duties as your beloved poster of posters.

Christmas was good on my end. I received some very thoughtful presents. Can you believe that?! Presents! Who doesn’t like presents?! Probably people who disagree with me on movies because those people are pretty evil, am I right?

I’ve eaten so much food over the past week it’s bonkers. I’ve eaten so much food over my entire life it’s bonkers, but just this past week has been pretty crazy. From pork tenderloin wrapped in bacon with mashed potatoes and biscuits to red wine short ribs with other mashed potatoes to drunken chicken parmigiana (drunken = vodka sauce)… it’s getting wild with the food to end out this year.

What else has been up?

The Steelers got anal fucked by the referees and the Chiefs yesterday and I had a minor breakdown over it all.

We saw “The Hobbit: Desolation of SMAUG” and it was alright. WAY TOO LONG. They could’ve cut out a bunch of that movie and the first movie and this third movie. There are both unnecessary scenes and scenes that just go on forever. It was better than the first Hobbit, but it’s still got a lot of flaws and feels pretty meh through and through. It’s certainly watchable, but it’s also completely bloated and passable if you don’t feel like spending another 3 hours on a kids movie.

And Anderson Silva broke his leg and it was sad and scary and I’m sorry if his career ends like that.

On Christmas Eve we rewatched “Christmas Vacation”, “Jingle All the Way”, “Love Actually”, “The Sword in the Stone”, and “Home Alone”. It was pretty wonderful. Seriously, “Jingle All the Way” is pretty great up until the final 30 or so seconds of the movie when Arnold’s jetpack becomes more futuristic than anything in “Star Wars”, but the rest of the movie is solid.

Very little is coming out in January as far as movies… “Her” is coming out nationwide, which should be great. Also, Jason Reitman’s “Labor Day” is coming out and while I think he’s a very talented young director, the movie sounds skippable and it coming out in January doesn’t sway my opinion positively. Guess I’ll wait and see what the critics say about that.

I don’t know what else is going on…

I think we’re staying in for New Years to spend time with Coco, the new house, champagne, and lounge around in pajamas.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?!

I love you.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holiday, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

The year that was supposed to never happen is almost over, so what movies did I see? 2 of 2

HELLO!!!!

What happened on Tuesday?! Well, I got caught up with writing about dudes in their underwear fighting… you guessed it… other dudes in their underwear all inside a STEEL CAGE, so I didn’t get a chance to write up more pseudo reviews for 2013 movies that I’ve probably already talked about.

Thankfully, I’m done with my first half of the day work and taking a break from my second half of the day work to talk to you! Or to write for you! Or to write to myself and hope someone else reads it! Who knows?! Solipsism fever, catch it!

Back to the movies, we’ll pick up where we left off in July! Ahhhh, lovely sunny July. As opposed to the snow that’s been jizzed out by the Heavens that is all I can see outside. Also, is there anything going on nowadays? Christmas shopping, I suppose. I’ve been doing some of that. I saw that the idiots on DUCK DYNASTY are anti-gay. WHO’D UH THUNK IT?! Fuck those guys. Those guys are the fake-est. All reality TV is the fake-est even if it’s a bunch of rednecks or swamp people or ice truckers or whatever. It’s FAKE! And on top of that, they’re just diva TV actors just like the rest of celebrities in the world and anyway… fuck them. They’re stupid and homophobic and I hope they get stuck in a cave and never see the light of day ever again. Too much?

MOVIES!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!!!!

THE WAY WAY BACK – SUCKED. FUCKING SUUUHHHH-HUCKED. I fucking HATED this movie. Again, I know I said at least a paragraph about how terrible and stupid this movie was, but I don’t know where it is. The movie should’ve been set in 1965 or whenever they originally wanted it to be set because as a modern movie, it makes NO SENSE. Even if they did set it in 1965, none of the people are likable in the movie including loser Sam Rockwell who is Sam Rockwell playing a loser. That’s it. The redeemable aspects of Sam Rockwell’s character is that it is him playing him, but the character himself is just a loser who doesn’t ever really solidify himself as the good guy character they think he has. Steve Carell’s character is a complete insufferable asshole without a single positive characteristic and Toni Collette appears to have Stockholm Syndrome to keep dating him, which makes no sense. As for the main character, well he’s a mopey weirdo who never expresses anything to the viewer for a moment that should make us actually ROOT for him instead of simply PITY him… AND YET!!!! THIS IS FUCKING IN LOVE WITH HIM FOR NO REASON!!!!!

UHHHHHHH-MAZING. That butt alone is way too good for that droopy eyed, sad sack, mute fuck nut who is the main character let alone the cute blonde attached to that mythical ass.

Oh yeah, the climax of the movie is about nothing anyone would ever give a fuck about – two people riding a waterpark slide and the second person in the tube passes the first person in the tube before they hit the water… WHO FUCKING CARES! – and it happens OFF CAMERA! What a stupid fucking movie. I hated that movie. It is seriously a horrible constructed movie from start to finish and it fucking makes Disney movies like LITTLE BIG LEAGUE, ANGELS IN THE OUTFIELD, and MIGHTY DUCKS look like they were fucked over for not winning Oscars.

I’m not joking. The storyline, acting, and execution of ROOKIE OF THE YEAR is MOTHERFUCKING CITIZEN KANE compared to THE WAY WAY BACK which is a step below that Youtube video of the guy shoving a glass bottle in his asshole and it breaking inside him.

BOOM!

PACIFIC RIM – SUCKED. https://kristenstewartwantsit.wordpress.com/2013/11/12/pacific-rim-sucked-makes-transformers-look-like-citizen-kane/

Hahahahah… another Citizen Kane reference. Good movie. Not my favorite though by any stretch of the imagination. I guess it’s just a movie everyone knows is a masterpiece and it’s a lot less syllables than me writing out THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY which is a FLAWLESS movie from start to finish. FUCKING FLAWLESS. It’s actually like 3 flawless movies put together in one movie. It’s phenomenal. I love it. I love Clint and Eli dicking around together, I love the walking through the desert, I love Eli and priest brother family reunion, I love the evil Angel Eyes, I love Eli taking a bath and Clint taking off his spurs and walking around like a ninja, I love the bridge blowing up and the final goodbye of the man in charge of the bridge, I love the graveyard, I love the music, I love love!

And, Pacific Rim is utter dog shit.

ONLY GOD FORGIVES – I was so excited for this movie, but there’s just no movie there. The trailer is everything you would want from this movie and the movie is a long winded fucking up of the things you think that will be cool in the trailer. There’s no one to root for and besides that there’s nothing to root for because the cop just wins and wins and wins and that’s it. I think I joked somewhere that it was an unnecessary feature length film version of the song “I fought the law (and the law won)” set in Thailand. It’s really a collection of scenes that are supposed to jar you, but there’s so little happening in the movie between those brief moments of violence that you’re BORED TO DEATH. No dialogue and really no point. It’s good looking with nothing behind it, so it’s arguably the most shallow movie made all year, which is saying something because SPRING BREAKERS came out this year.

EUROPA REPORT – I didn’t get all the way through this because it was putting me to sleep faster than Ambien. Jeebus! Something happen! There were a lot of sci-fi movies this year and this one was noted for being the most procedural, which is hardly a compliment nor should it be, but that’s how they were selling it. It looks like a real space movie… if you want to see a space movie set entirely inside the capsule and never outside of the capsule. Meanwhile, GRAVITY which I’ll get to later is a space movie or I should say THE space movie that actually deals with motherfucking SPACE. This “thriller” is low budget version of SUNSHINE and if that’s what you want to see… a low budget SUNSHINE… then here you go. If you don’t then you’ll never need to know a single thing about this ever.

If someone told me that this movie was made by a senior film student at USC then I would be quite impressed. Telling me it’s made by professional directors and actors, who gives a shit?

ELYSIUM – In a world where action movies get dumber by the year, we have the grandest champion of action movie stupidity ELYSIUM!!!!! Again, I probably talked about this movie and how I sat and waited for a scene to be GOOD and I never received that. As a scene started, I thought to myself, “Ok, let’s see if this is a good scene and gets the ball rolling.” And, I never got a good scene. It was stupid and bad from beginning to end. None of the action scenes were well-constructed or shot well or made sense as to why any of the things that were happening were happening for any reason. That’s actually the big problem with Elysium, nothing follows any reason. Nothing! NOTHING!

My guess as to what happened on the set of Elysium…

Hey, guys, why did that happen in that scene?

YOU’RE FIRED!!!!!

or…

Hey, guys, why do you think that scene was good? Because everything seemed to play out nonsensically…

YOU’RE FIRED!!!!

The movie wanted to be about getting a little girl into that medical bed that was in PROMETHEUS and to get her there the director decided to take us on a thoroughly stupid and unfulfilling ride of shitty action scenes with even shittier dialogue scenes that DO NOT matter whatsoever in between. Shit movie. Neil Bloomkamf or whatever she beaten with bamboo reeds for that movie.

IN A WORLD… – Great. I really enjoyed this movie. It’s funny, it’s a rom-com, it’s self-deprecating, and it’s written/directed/stars Lake Bell. And, Ken Marino plays a hilarious villain in the movie. Seriously, it’s fucking delightful. Rent it.

PRINCE AVALANCHE – Hmmm… well… it’s got a few solid moments, but by-and-large unless you enjoy soft-spoken indie movies that feel like glorified short films – which honestly I do – then this movie can be skippable. Paul Rudd and Emile Hirsch are the movie and they both do a good job with what they’re allowed to do. It’s not really a compliment to say that Emile Hirsch looks like Jack Black in this movie, but he also delivers a good Jack Black performance though, so it’s positive and negative. Overall, I liked it, but overall it’s really not necessary to see by any stretch of the imagination at all.

THE WORLD’S END – It was good. It also felt like it was either being stretched to thin or smashed into a hole it didn’t fit or whatever the metaphor, but it didn’t quite work as well as the others. I think SHAUN OF THE DEAD is absolutely excellent almost entirely, but does lose itself near the end when it feels like the director and everyone says, “Well, it’s about time we wrap this up.” And, HOT FUZZ has a few missteps, but it’s also quite well made and funny and has great action and really delivers what it truly wanted to deliver. And THE WORLD’S END has some funny moments, has some good action, and everyone plays along great, but there seems to be an uneven-ness with the story and the end makes little to no sense. I feel like these movies are too much fun for Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost to make that they get caught up in their own laughter and forget about the viewers. It’s like the 3 of them are telling these HILARIOUS stories… if you had been there, but you weren’t. So, you laugh and have fun because they’re quite talented storytellers, but there are just certain things that get lost because you simply weren’t there to see them how they see them. If you like their other movies, I’d recommend it, but if you don’t then don’t see this. Also, if you do like their movies then you should expect that this isn’t as good as the other two movies I mentioned.

I DECLARE WAR – Kind of like Prince Avalanche, more or less a solid short film that didn’t need to be 90 minutes long. The first 20-30 minutes, I thought were very interesting and fun. The next hour or so, dreadful. Tough to get through or understand. The longer these kids were on screen the more tiresome it was to watch them and the more insane it was to think they would continue going along with what was happening. I wouldn’t recommend watching the whole movie. If you see a trailer for it and think a stylized kids game of capture the flag seems like something you want to watch then wait for it to be on TV or Netflix and watch the first 20 minutes and then cut your losses. Trust me, you’ll be happier for it.

DON JON – I loved it. I think it should be nominated for best actor, best supporting actress, best writing, and maybe some other things. Best costume design, for fucking sure. In the end, the movie might as well be called “Fuck an older woman; you’ll learn something” and I’m cool with that. I think it absolutely nails the culture it is trying to critique and does so with a lot of respect too. Joseph Gordon Levitt is fucking going for it in this movie and I think he hits homerun after homerun with what he’s trying to accomplish. I think he sells you on his character, Scarlett’s character, Julianne Moore’s character, his friends, and so forth. It ends abruptly and people could say that there should be more to the movie, but I believe then we would really be getting into two movies being sandwiched into one. You don’t learn enough about what happens in the second “half” of the movie, but it’s really not what the point of the movie is as much as the first “half”. I’m fine with how it stops, that aspect of Don Jon is over anyway at that point and forcing us to sit through 30 minutes of how everything in his life has changed … c’mon. It’s fiction. Move on. You had your fun, now leave the theater.

GRAVITY – FUCKING PHENOMENAL. I wish each and every person could have seen this movie in IMAX 3D because it was an experience I won’t forget. There are movies that change movies and this is one of those movies. What was accomplished in this movie by Alfonso Cuaron with the use of sound alone is fucking unbelievable. I LOVE SOUND! Rarely does technical work like sound editing play such a key role in a movie, but SOUND as a whole from GRAVITY should be nominated for best supporting actor/actress and win for both genders. Without a doubt, the best movie I’ve seen this year. Without a doubt, a movie I’ll never forget. Without a doubt, a movie that went beyond the call of duty to produce a unique thriller based on jaw-dropping visuals and the most clever use of sound. It’s horror, it’s action, it’s a drama, it’s sci-fi obviously, it’s a thriller, and it’s like a National Geographic documentary on space. It’s wonderful and fuck people who try to tear apart this movie. The scenes in the movie are so tense and well constructed it’s truly art.

THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE – It was ok. https://kristenstewartwantsit.wordpress.com/2013/12/09/i-saw-hunger-games-catching-fire-and-finally-i-understand-peeta/

…

There are a lot of movies that I’ve missed that I wanted to see now looking back at this year.

There are a lot of movies that I wanted to see, but didn’t because the reviews for them sounded like they were crazy disappointing.

There are a lot of movies that I expect I’ll see eventually and will just wait until they’re available to stream or on TV or whatever and I’ll sit down and watch them… like THE COUNSELOR. I heard it was meh, but I still want to see it at some point.

There’s a bunch of movies in December that I want to see and hopefully I’ll see some of them in the theaters and all of them eventually.

That’s what I got!

The year that was supposed to never happen is almost over, so what movies did I see? 1 of 2

HOLA!

How are you?! Did you survive the snow? Did you have snow? You must’ve had some snow! RIGHT!

We got at least 5 inches, THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT HOW MUCH SNOW SHE GOT IN CENTRAL TO NORTHERN NEW JERSEY!!!! WOOOO!!!

I only went outside to take Coco for walks and that was plenty. Oh yeah, and some shoveling, but not too much shoveling because my Hispanic neighbors have decided to snowblow – hey oh! – our driveway and our sidewalk and our walk to our house for whatever reason. They’re also shoveling/snowblowing in the back of the house too. I’m certainly not going to complain, but it’s funny how weirded out I am by it and Danielle is and everyone I tell because you honestly cannot trust people being friendly. It’s weird, but you can’t because Lord knows I’m not buying a snowblower to snowblow their front walkway, so why would they do it for me? You know… Also, they just do it and don’t tell us they’re going to do it and all of a sudden there’s someone in our backyard with a shovel … kind of concerning.

Anyway… remember when the end of the world was in December 2012? Remember when that didn’t happen?

Well, it felt like it was the end of the world when I was sitting in a theater watching OBLIVION because it was fucking HORRENDOUS.

I’m going to look back at what movies I saw this year – chronological order of them coming out – and say something quick about them.

GANGSTER SQUAD – I didn’t see all of this, but I caught a good chunk of it on TV including the end of it and it was … TERRIBLE. I am quite happy I didn’t go see this in theaters or watch the first 40 minutes of it. OOF! The final shootout which is supposed to be a complete ripoff of the train station scene in THE UNTOUCHABLES is at best a complete ripoff of the train station scene in THE UNTOUCHABLES and at worst is a completely pointless action scene which spreads baby feces all over the great train station shootout scene in THE UNTOUCHABLES. And the end fist fight between Josh Brolin and Sean Penn was just stupid. I don’t know the history of how Mickey Cohen was caught, but if he wasn’t caught following a fist fight in the rain with an LA detective then that was a stupid fucking scene.

If you haven’t seen LA CONFIDENTIAL then go see it because it is one of the best movies ever made, hands down. If you have seen it, see it again and again and again. And, if you want to see Gangster Squad because you want to see Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone… well… guess what… LA CONFIDENTIAL has Kim Basinger looking like the most attractive human being ever and she’s paired with a young Russell Crowe and a young Guy Pearce who are quite handsome fellows.

WARM BODIES – Sucked. Read about it here. https://kristenstewartwantsit.wordpress.com/2013/02/13/my-review-for-warm-bodies-warm-bodies-is-stupid/

STOKER – I didn’t “watch” this as much as I skimmed it. I love the director Chan Wook Park, but this didn’t look like something that was worth spending the time on or at least having high hopes for. The climax, literally, is Mia Wasikowska masturbating in the shower after her and her uncle bury someone in the middle of the night in the rain in a muddy grave – Nicole Kidman? – and she’s masturbating all muddy in the shower about her uncle. So that’s that movie. Park’s previous Korean movies are a million times better.

SPRING BREAKERS – Meh. https://kristenstewartwantsit.wordpress.com/2013/08/28/spring-breakers-sucked-and-did-it-suck-on-purpose/

If you isolate certain scenes from that movie then there are some funny skits or funny ideas, but all in all that movie was flimsy and more mindless than the characters are supposed to be in it and yet no where near as interesting or risk taking as it should’ve been.

THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES – Hmmmm… I can’t find my review for it, but it was pretty good. The movie is cut up in thirds and the 1/3 is amazing. The 2/3 is ok. The 3/3 is laughable and terrible. So, if you do the math on it, the movie is ok to pretty good. What really sours the movie is that it gets worse the longer it’s on, which is never what you want from a movie, but the first third of the movie with Ryan Gosling is a great movie unto itself. Kind of wished the director Cianfrance just ended the movie when Gosling exits.

TO THE WONDER – Terrence Malick’s epic movie about not much. I really don’t know what is going on with the weirdo genius Malick recently, but TREE OF LIFE and this movie are more or less unwatchable. Both movies are more art installation than film/movie. I didn’t even finish this movie actually now that I think of it. I think I missed the last 20 minutes or so. It’s pretty much a feature length film of close-ups of Olga Kurylenko’s face as she plays the most beautiful mime you’ve ever seen. Not a literal mime, but she rarely talks and she does a lot of physical acting. Almost the entire movie is done in voiceover or just silence. It’s not a movie you should just watch, it’s only a movie to see if you’re trying to prove something by seeing it – like seeing every Malick movie or every random movie Ben Affleck is in or because you need to see every artsy movie that comes out.

OBLIVION – Awful. https://kristenstewartwantsit.wordpress.com/2013/04/24/oblivion-sucks-the-future-is-dull/

MUD – Easily, one of the best movies of the year. I did review this at some point, but I can’t find it. It was wonderful. A great movie from beginning to end… minus how much it makes women look like complete bitches. Jeez, all the women in this movie are the biggest insufferable bitches and there are only like 3 chicks in the movie. Sadly, you ladies are probably used to this portrayal by now. Besides that, great performances by everyone involved including/especially the two kids who are the main characters. They’re really great.

FAST & FURIOUS 6 – Not as good as FAST 5, but very fun and I can’t wait until it is on HBO regularly because I will rewatch the shit out of this movie. https://kristenstewartwantsit.wordpress.com/2013/05/28/fast-furious-6-my-thoughts-my-feelings-my-gina-carano-and-more/

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING – Uhhhh… I watched the opening scene, stopped it, and deleted it. Yeah, I’m not interested in watching Joss Whedon handicam film his friends – who are famous actors – perform Shakespeare for 90 minutes in modern day times. If you are into it then have fun. I would have rather scene this done really bare bones as almost a table-read with them with scripts in their hands and in street clothes running through this from beginning to end with line direction from Whedon and they’re on a stage or in a park or something.

THIS IS THE END – I thought this was really funny. Especially, the first half hour. The end with the CGI was whatever, but there are some amazing interactions between these funny guys. https://kristenstewartwantsit.wordpress.com/2013/07/01/this-is-the-end-the-relationship-buddy-apocalypse-movie-about-aholes/

MAN OF STEEL – I reviewed this as well, but can’t find it. C’mon Google! I could look through my old posts, but I guess that’s too much effort.

I liked this movie. I didn’t love it, but I enjoyed my time watching it. I thought it did a really good job being crazy and out there and uncomprimising with its vision of Superman. It’s easily my favorite Superman movie, which isn’t saying much because the other Superman movies – Christopher Reeve and Brandon Routh alike – suck. Superman movies suck, if you didn’t know. So, I enjoyed this movie for not sucking.

I think it did some stuff really well like the action scenes and really any scene actually featuring Superman, but there were some other scenes that seemed ridiculous that I thought could’ve been handled better, pretty much everything with Lois Lane. In the Christopher Reeve Superman movies, Margot Kidder’s Lois Lane is the worst human being ever. She fucking sucks and her character is sooooo stupid. Sadly, I think they played a little too much homage to that Lois Lane in this movie. Not all the time, but there were a couple scenes with Amy Adams that really reminded me of that Margot Kidder Lois Lane… specifically when she somehow sneaks down to Superman’s ship in the ice… which make no sense and are just recklessly stupid scenes.

Anyway… I liked the movie in total and I can’t wait for more of them.

THE HEAT – A lot funnier than I expected. Certainly, a solid rental or something to look out for when it hits HBO or Netflix. Definitely funny, definitely watchable, and definitely not disappointing.

…

That’s January through June. I’ll tackle more tomorrow.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

FACT: You can’t say SMAUG without sounding like a jackass

I hope you have a great weekend.

I love you.

The GOLDEN GLOBES sound like an award given for BEST TITS or for BEST SNOWGLOBES

HELLO WORLD! … and/or the 5 people who read this blog still including/possibly my mom!

It’s GOLDEN GLOBES time again and you know what that means?!!??!?!?!?!?

RED CARPET BOOBERS!!!!!

WOOOOOOO!!!

ACTUALLY… It’s just the nominations, wanh wanh.

I have no idea when the Golden Globes airs, so I’m guessing in like 1 month to possibly less than a year from now, I’ll have red carpet pictures to talk about and leer at and get creepy with concerning the Golden Globes, but until then…

Let’s discuss these nominations, and by that I mean let me be disgusted at these nominations and tell you that I don’t watch any of these TV shows nor have I seen any of these movies.

I haven’t looked at the awards themselves, so it’s going to be a “shock” to me when I read them. Although, you won’t be reading it in real time as i type it, but know that I’m reading the nomination then writing my thought all in the span of my legitimate shock/disapproval.

Well, there is a chance that I’ll like some of these nomination, but my approval for any of these nominations is completely tarnished by how stupid I think these awards shows are. Like I don’t even think the All-Star or All-Pro team is necessary at all in sports because you know whether or not a dude is playing well. You don’t need a ballot or some such to explain that. Lebron James is KILLING IT and has been KILLING IT in the NBA since he first stepped onto the courts and a stupid ass All-Star appointment doesn’t validate how much he’s killing it. It’s just tradition and bullshit and why am I even talking about this!?!?!?!?!

AHHHHHH!!!!!… Ok… I’m better.

Whew.

Nominations?!

I’ll mention the most popular ones, so best actor/actress for movies & TV, best movie/TV, best supporting for both, and … FUCK … there are drama and comedy?! FUCK YOU, GOLDEN GLOBES!!!! Ok… let’s get to work.

MOVIES!!!!!!!!!!!!?!!???????!!!!!!!

BEST ACTOR – Drama

Chiwetel Ejiofor, Matthew McConaughey, Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Idris Elba…

I saw none of these. NONE! Not a single fucking one. Seriously? And, I’m kind of in no rush to see any of them. 12 YEARS A SLAVE seemed like something I would want to see, but after reading the reviews that it’s kind of like historical torture porn – I’m not that hyped about watching it. As for DALLAS BUYERS CLUB, I would like to see that at some point, but I have other movies that are in my queue I’m more interested about seeing first. I don’t care about CAPTAIN PHILLIPS, ALL IS LOST, or the Mandela aka Mandiba movie.

I don’t give a fuck who wins.

Also, Mandiba? I’m 30 fucking years old and I’ve never heard a GOT-DAM person ever refer to Mandela as Mandiba ever. Now that he’s dead, everyone on Earth is pretending they were calling him Mandiba this whole time. It’s bullshit and I don’t believe it. I think this is all a sham that people called him Mandiba as much as the deaf translator was a sham at Mandiba’s service. Nevertheless, I’m calling everyone Mandiba from now on.

BEST ACTRESS – Drama

Cate Blanchett, Sandra Bullock, Emma Thompson, Judi Dench, Kate Winslett…

I saw GRAVITY and I motherfucking loved it. I do want to see BLUE JASMINE and I do want to see the DAME in PHILOMENA, but I can do without seeing Emma in the Disney movie or Kate in whatever movie she was nominated for. Labor Day? I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of it.

I guess I’m leaning toward Sandra because I like her and I loved that movie and I thought she was great in it. At the same time, I thought/think BLINDSIDE was a racist shitty movie and didn’t think Sandra should have won something let alone everything for it, so she’s already got her awards… Meh… I think all of those women have been nominated before and possibly all won. I don’t know, whatever.

BEST ACTOR – Comedy et cetera

Bruce Dern, Leonardo DiCaprio, Christian Bale, Oscar Isaac, Joapuin Phoenix…

I haven’t seen any of these movies either. Only Bruce Dern’s movie NEBRASKA is even theaters as far as I know and that’s still a limited release. So, what the ever loving eff. I like all these actors a shit ton, but whatever.

This is so stupid. A bunch of movies no one has seen are getting nominated. Wait a second?! Do you possibly think that the Golden Globes is an elaborate stunt to get people to go see movies they wouldn’t normally go see because some arbitrary group of people gave it a golden statue?! DO YOU THINK THAT?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!

BEST ACTRESS – Comedy et cetera

Meryl Streep, Julia Louis Dreyfuss, Amy Adams, Julie Delpy, Greta Gerwig…

For fuck’s sake. A MOVIE I’VE SEEN?!?!?!?!?!?

I was going to say that I thought the best actress drama category was good looking, but they really got even more fuckable in the comedy section. Sex and laughs, isn’t that what it’s all about, am I right?

Ok… how about something I’ve seen you fucks!!

…

Update from my end of things, I’m totally not going to do the best SUPPORTING actor and actresses because that is simply too much and even my Mom isn’t going to sit through me talking about all that.

Instead, I will glance at the supporting nominations and sum them all up in the next section.

SUPPORTING MALES AND FEMALES OF EVERYTHING…

Are you fucking kidding me, someone from RUSH got nominated?! And, J-Law got nominated, which means we’ll get to see her heavenly “golden globes” again at the Golden Globes. God bless us.

And… the last two movie awards…

BEST DRAMA

12 Years a Slave, Gravity, Captain Phillips, Rush, Philomena

Fuck you, Golden Globes. Aren’t these the same fucking asshats who nominated The Tourist for every award. FUCK YOU!!!!

BEST COMEDY WHATEVER

Nebraska, American Hustle, The Wolf on Wall Street, Inside Llewyn Davis, Her

So, the best actor movies? Fair enough. I want to see all these movies minus the Wolf one because Scorsese is overrated and that movie is going to be a bloated 3 hours of nonsense. Haven’t seen any of them, so who the fuck knows, right? Ugh.

TELEVISION-NAY!!!!!

BEST ACTOR – Drama

Bryan Cranston, Michael Sheen, Kevin Spacey, James Spader, Liev Schrieber

Well, I did watch HOUSE OF CARDS and Spacey is quite good in it, but I’m still giving it to Cranston for being the lead actor on arguably the GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW EVER. I haven’t watched the other 3 shows because I think they all look stupid. Pretty good reason to not watch something I feel.

BEST ACTOR – Comedy

Jason Bateman, Don Cheadle, Michael J. Fox, Jim Parsons, Andy Samberg

Uhhhhh… Samberg? Hahahahah. I do like that TV show, but Samberg is possibly the 5th funniest person on that show and that might be being generous. I’d give the award without a doubt to Bateman. I hated the two episodes I saw of House of Lies. Big Bang Theory has been like 1000 episodes of the same episode and I haven’t see the Michael J. Fox show, but I’m comfortable in saying that even the much maligned Netflix season of AD was funnier than all of them.

BEST ACTRESS – Drama

Julianna Margulies, Kerry Washington, Tatiana Maslany, Robin Wright, Taylor Schilling

Orange is the New Black is a drama? If American Hustle the movie is a comedy then Orange is the New Black is definitely a comedy. Taylor has cried in a few episodes, but that show is 9000% a comedy with a little bit of drama in there. An episode ended with a chick peeing in front of another chick right on the floor. That kind of sounds horrific, but it was hilarious. Anyway…

I think Robin Wright is sexy as hell on House of Cards and I think Taylor is good, but I don’t really think either of them carry their shows or deserve a “dramatic” award. I haven’t seen an episode of the other 3 shows listed, but I’m for giving it to Kerry Washington because that show sounds like trash and if anyone is making it watchable then it’s Kerry Washington.

BEST ACTRESS – Comedy

Zooey Deschanel, Lena Dunham, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, Amy Poehler, Edie Falco…

JULIA MOTHERFUCKING LOUIS MOTHEFUCKING DREYFUSS, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!

No one watches Zooey for Zooey, she’s barely in the commercials for the show. GIRLS isn’t funny. I’ve never met anyone who watches Nurse Jackie and neither have you. And, I feel bad for Amy Poehler because no one is doing a better job than Julia at anything their doing on TV. While Amy is great and Parks and Rec is wonderful, Julie is fucking KILLING IT like she’s Lebron James shooting 50% from the field on her way to her 3rd NBA Championship in a row on VEEP.

…

So, I’m going to do the same thing I did before with SUPPORTING and just glance at that shit and report. Ok? Here we go…

Good for the guy on House of Cards who got nominated. Rob Lowe got nominated for “Behind the Candelabra”, but not for “Parks and Rec”? The show “Parenthood” is still on? And, I’m confused, Hayden Panettiere is a “supporting” actress on “Nashville”? Isn’t she the main character? I’ve seen or had about 3 episodes of “Nashville” on in the background and from what I gather it is pretty much twisted love child of “Glee” and “The Young & the Restless” with Southern accents. It’s either country music being played or people making out or both. If that’s what you want in a TV show then it’s perfect for that.

FINALLY!!!!

BEST DRAMA

Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey, House of Cards, Masters of Sex, The Good Wife

Well, if Breaking Bad doesn’t win then everyone should be executed. Breaking Bad should win this award against actually worthy opponents let alone these shows.

BEST COMEDY

The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, Girls, Brooklyn 99, Parks and Rec

Parks and Rec is the only one of these shows that legitimately makes me laugh consistently. Modern Family can be hit or miss with the laughs, but is a well-made show. Same goes for Brooklyn 99 who thoroughly is a random choice for best comedy. Girls isn’t funny and The Big Bang Theory isn’t either, so I’m not sure what they’re doing up there.

I can think of at least 10 shows that should be nominated over Brooklyn 99/Girls/The Big Bang Theory, and most likely Modern Family as well.

In no particular order…

VEEP for one. ARCHER for two. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT for three. KEY & PEELE for four. Stephen Merchant’s HELLO LADIES is a better show than most of those mentioned for five. IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA makes me laugh as much if not more than Modern Family for six. THE LEAGUE should be nominated for best show of all-time for its one episode this season which focused on Jason Mantsoukas and Seth Rogen for seven. HAPPY ENDINGS for eight. COMMUNITY for nine. And… fucking… EASTBOUND & DOWN for 10.

That wasn’t even difficult to come up with. I could think of a bunch more too.

COMEDY BANG BANG

BOB’S BURGERS

CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL

SUBURGATORY… that show is good and is fucking genius compared to some of that crap nominated.

What the fuck. Whatever.

Wake me when the cleavage hits the red carpet.

 

We Live In The FUTURE!!!!!