Lenny Kravitz’s Scarf Is Better Than You

Hello.

If you don’t already love Lenny Kravitz – yes, I’m talking about singer, songwriter, musician, actor Lenny Kravitz – you will fall in love with Lenny Kravitz momentarily and stay in love with him forever from hence forth.

Why?

Because of THIS!

That is more carpet than scarf, but it is a magnificent scarf.

If there was a parallel parable to the Lord of the Rings, but it was about scarves instead of rings then Lenny Kravitz is Sauron and that is most definitely the one and true scarf of power. SCARF OF POWER!

That scarf could not only keep an entire Peruvian family warm, but it could house an entire Peruvian family, keep them warm, boil the water, and possibly run its electricity through its amazingness.

What’s that stupid line about God making something that even he couldn’t lift? If there was a scarf that God shouldn’t have been able to knit it’s that one, but thankfully God did and Lenny Kravitz is just fucking moseying around Manhattan in it.

Are you fucking kidding me?! THIS IS WAY MORE UNBELIEVABLE THAN A UNICORN.

Seriously, a horse with a horn coming out of its forehead is not that unlikely. I’ve seen horse like animals with two horns sticking out of its head all the time. You can find hundreds of them easy enough, so one horn has to happen. That must just happen on its own from time to time. But a scarf? A scarf this fucking big?! Never… that never happens!

What fucking street is Lenny Kravitz walking on that everyone isn’t huddled around Lenny Kravitz to at least cop a feel of the scarf like it’s the shroud of Torin. There has to be at least a quart of magical powers stored up in that thing.

First, how are people not rushing Lenny Kravitz for autographs with or without the scarf?

Second, how are people not rushing Lenny Kravitz for a cellphone picture for their twitter or facebook page with or without the scarf? I mean our generation’s favorite past-time is making people jealous they don’t live our lives by making our lives seem so attractive on twitter and facebook. A fucking middle of the afternoon pic of you and Lenny Kravitz would easily win that constant battle for the next month or two.

THIRD, THE FUCKING SCARF?!!?!?!?!??!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!

How on Earth are people not taking a picture with themselves and that scarf?!!!?!?!?!?!?!?

That’s fucking insane! Are these New Yorkers so glued into their smartphones and eating their fucking pinkberry that they didn’t look up for a fucking second from their ipod playing the hippest in repackaged disco dance music to fucking notice that motherfucking Lenny Kravitz was just down the fucking block and not only just fucking Lenny Kravitz down the fucking block BUT HE’S FUCKING WRAPPED AND DRAPED IN THE FUCKING SCARF OF DESTINY!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?

When are you going to get the opportunity to take a picture of yourself with Lenny Kravitz and with Lenny Kravitz in this holy and merciful scarf and slap that motherfucker on your twitter and facebook and instagram and keek and vine and yfrog and lockerz and twitpic and fucking whatever other fucking website has been created to document every fucking possible second of our dull fucking lives now hashtagged and texted to any person who is sadly willing to hear about it?!?!?!?!?!? FUCKING TAKE THE PICTURE!!!!!!

Be with Lenny.

Be with the scarf.

He’s so welcoming and cool.

The scarf is so inviting and warm.

I could swaddle Shaquille O’Neal in that damn scarf.

What do you think this picture smells like?

I imagine that Lenny Kravitz smells like a mix of lavender, vanilla, cocoa butter, and patchouli, but with a spicy kick. I don’t know enough about potpourri to know what it is that makes things smell spicy, but when you pick up an orange rind and it smells spicy – that’s Lenny Kravitz.

I imagine the scarf smells like cinnamon, melted chocolate, Christmas, a midnight picnic with a lover, the fur in between a Golden Retriever puppy’s toes, week old saffron, a glass of bourbon in winter by a roaring fire, Demi Moore’s sex, a koala bear’s dream, and a mother’s love.

I wish I could live my whole life in that scarf.

I would share that life with Lenny Kravitz… as long as we sang “Are You Gonna Go My Way?” twice a day for the rest of our time on Earth.

We would be buried in that scarf.

And, the scarf would travel with us to the afterlife.

Thank you, Lenny Kravitz.

Thank you, scarf.

“Beasts of the Southern Wild” Will Make A Grown Man Weep

What’s up, dudes and dudettes?

I’m a little late with my post today. If you do not know, today is MEDIA DAY. And MEDIA DAY is the day when both of the NFL Super Bowl professional tackle American football teams are out on the field and talking to one billion members of the global media. It’s nuts. I’m transfixed by it. It’s an odd spectacle, but it’s great because it does get me even more super excited for the final game of the football schedule than I already am.

So, I’ve been watching that and watching specifically how Deion “Primetime” Sanders is possibly the best interviewer ever. Dude asks the questions direct with no ums or uhs and does it with a connection to the players. I really enjoy watching him talk to these guys in this live setting. Watching taped interviews can be misleading – not just the editing of responses, but the asking of the questions. Either way, apparently, Ray Lewis has been taking “deer antler velvet extract” which is a banned substance. What in the what?

Anyway…

I watched BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD last night and I did tear up.

It specifically got dusty at the end with aurochs and the final voiceover. Got a little bit dusty.

Generally, the water works don’t turn on during movies I don’t like, so obviously I enjoyed the movie quite a bit. First and foremost, I would say the movie was refreshing. It was full of life and each scene and each moment was full of life. I think that’s the point of the movie is this lively spirit of what you’re watching. It felt very much like a fairytale to me like a children’s book come to life. It’s got fantastical elements to it, but more so the real life elements are told with this excitable flare that it’s passion makes the ordinary feel extraordinary. It has tons of personality to spare and really captures what they’re going for. It doesn’t feel forced at all. What is supposed to be emotional is emotional, what is supposed to be exciting is exciting and so forth.

I’m looking over the Oscar nominations while writing this and I thought a lot about the Oscar nominations when I was watching the movie. I knew that the main character, Hushpuppy, Quvenzhane Wallis was nominated. And she definitely should be. And I knew that the movie had been nominated for best picture, and it should be. AND, wrongly, I knew that Dwight Henry who plays Hushpuppy’s daddy did not get nominated. That is ridiculous that he wasn’t nominated. That movie as a whole is wonderful and I’ll get to that, but the performances by Quvenzhane and Dwight are 100% the main thrust/the main action of the movie. The Academy gets it right to nominate the movie, gets it right to nominate Quvenzhane, but they get it wrong not nominating Dwight.

Let’s take it a step further… who did the Academy nominate over Dwight? The nominees are Alan Arkin for Argo, Philip Seymour Hoffman for The Master, Robert De Niro for Silver Linings Playbook, Tommy Lee Jones for Lincoln, and Christoph Waltz for Django Unchained. Not good enough. Immediately, I wouldn’t nominate Alan Arkin nor Tommy Lee Jones because I don’t think they did something beyond what I would expect. Specifically, Arkin who I did not think was particularly compelling in his role. Jones definitely does a good job with his role, but is it an extraordinary effort by Jones? No. It’s what one would expect from him. He got the role right, but he didn’t blow me away or any of that. So, right away, I think Dwight Henry did a whole lot more than both Jones and Arkin. I would say that it’s debatable who was better between Henry and Waltz. I think De Niro and Hoffman should definitely be nominated and I think Hoffman is the front runner with De Niro putting in one of his best performances in YEARS. But Dwight Henry definitely gave the audience a lot more than Jones or Arkin and the man should be recognized. Stupid Oscars.

As for the rest of the movie, director Benh Zeitlin is now on the must watch out for list. I think he did an excellent job with this movie. The movie is beautiful. Even in it’s ugliness, it is beautiful. He isn’t working with gold mansions and supermodels in ball gowns, he is dealing with sweat stained and food stained clothes and dirt and mud and he makes it beautiful. Also, his use of handheld wasn’t forced or unneeded like Tom Hooper with Les Mis, but felt intimate and appropriate in this movie. Even in its darkest moments it felt like you were watching art and every scene looked like a painting.

As far as his Zeitlin’s nomination for best direction, I think he should win. That’s my gut reaction. I haven’t seen “Life of Pi” yet and I haven’t seen “Amour”, but with this movie against “Silver Linings Playbook” and “Lincoln” – I’d pick this movie. Honestly, I think Ben Affleck should’ve been nominated for “Argo” specifically over Spielberg for “Lincoln”. But what can you do? I think David O. Russell obviously did a great job directing “Silver Linings Playbook” which he should get partial credit for having acting nominations in all four categories, but I think Zeitlin did something a little more with more of a visual style and told the story more visually without as much dialogue and characters and so forth.

Lastly, I thought the score was amazing. I know the Academy is weird with what is up for nominations for best score, but it’s not nominated. I don’t know if it’s able to be nominated with their rules, but it’s not nominated and I think that’s wrong. The score is a big piece of the movie. I mean fucking “Skyfall” was nominated for best score and that movie is horrible. Also, “Lincoln” was nominated for best score and I didn’t think that score was impressive and I remember seeing a lot of people talk about how repetitive that score is with its lonely trumpet swelling every 15 minutes.

I liked the movie a lot. Go see it.

I still have to see “Life of Pi” and “Flight”. I don’t really care if I see “Amour”. I might see it, but I might not.

You Didn’t Watch It, I Didn’t Watch It, But Pretty People Attended It: THE SAG AWARDS!

Me llamo el hombre de sus suenos, ay ay ay ay ay!

Good morning/afternoon/possibly evening, party people!

As one can judge by the title, I’m going to post a bunch of pictures of actors of both gender specifications in fancy outfits and kind of gab about them like a high school twat. The pictures are from the SAG – Screen Actors Guild – Awards that amazing did air last night on television to a whopping rating of I’m guessing like 14 people. 6 of them watched on TBS and 8 watched on TNT. So much for the “superstation”, am I right?! If I could pick 150 channels on the television and refer to them as “super”, TBS would never be uttered. I love Conan and all, but TBS isn’t super to anyone. Shit’s getting catty already!

So there were two unwatchable spectacles on TV last night, the SAGs and the NFL’s Pro Bowl. I may have caught 35 seconds of the Pro Bowl. Looks like the NFC ran away with the most meaningless game of the football season. And I don’t just mean the NFL’s. I mean all the seasons that play some form of football at any level throughout the year. There are games of pee wee football that are much more meaningful than the Pro Bowl.

I really hope they cancel the Pro Bowl and turn into a skills competition for each of the players nominated to the Pro Bowl. Just select the Pro Bowl teams, ship them to Hawaii, but once they get there they play against each other in a variety of position designed events with the NFC playing against the AFC. Have an O-line vs. O-line or D-line tug of war. Have the linemen do bench press competitions, but make it like strong man competitions and have them bench press go go dancing cages full of NFL cheerleaders. Have wide receivers run routes and catch passes and touchdown celebrations. Quarterbacks have accuracy and distance competitions. Et cetera and et cetera. Make it more like the NBA All-star weekend’s Saturday, which is one of the best things in sports.

Anyway… Lena Dunham got naked on Girls and at this point that’s all I want to see from this show. Just make Lena Dunham the most insane human being ever. Give up on trying to flesh out these other characters because they’ve more or less given up on that already. And as pretty as Allison Williams is her character is the worst. Maybe that’s the point, but if her only redeeming value is that Allison Williams is pretty then I’m not interested. I’d watch Gossip Girl if all I wanted to see was pretty faces do the nonsensical for themselves and for the world at large.

Also, if you missed the fights Saturday night, Anthony “Showtime” Pettis was the human highlight reel once again. He didn’t jump off the cage and land a kick to the face, oh no, he simply jumped off the cage and landed a knee to the face. HE’S LIKE VEGA FROM STREET FIGHTER! Minus all the rapey vibes got from Vega.

Let’s look at some fucking pictures already!!!!!!

SAG RED CARPET!!!! WOOOO!!!!

J-LAW! It’s the Law! I fought the Law and the Law won! WOOOO!!!

Apparently, Jennifer was playing through pain and showed up to the awards showing fighting off pneumonia. Is that the kissing disease? Nah, that’s mono. I had mono once. Oh my lord, it was more or less a roller coaster ride of cocaine highs and heroin lows. About the only rule my mom put on me when I had mono was that I had to stay under the blanket on the couch. This meant I was more or less deathbed style sleeping and sweating under that thing on the couch and the other half of the time when I was exploding energy out my pores it was either a cape or I was scurrying back and forth underneath it like a little puppy burrowing. So… back to Jennifer Lawrence…

She’s hot. She’s always hot. She’s a good looking lady. She’s kind of got a Lee Lee Sobieksi vibe going in this picture, which more or less means young, hot, prominent forehead. Don’t take that as a slight. Foreheads are cool. If she didn’t have a forehead then it would be really weird. You know? Anyway, she’s pretty and she can wear just about anything and look great.

Whaddup, Anne. You don’t look nearly as malnourished as last time. It also looks like she’s wearing the exact dress that Rachel Weisz wore to the Golden Globes. WHY DO I REMEMBER THAT?! I blame you and this website. Either way, I think Anne should show more skin. Especially when she’s been eating regularly. She’s young, so flaunt it. Don’t hide it under old lady lace and see thru stuff. It’s not bad, it’s just she could do more.

Fuck yes. This right here is better than Zero Dark Thirty. Jessica Chastain looks wonderful and hot. She looks pretty and also sexy. Got the cleavage working and at the same time her hair looks really nice… both complete opposites of what happened at the Golden Globes. DAMN YOU BRAIN! WHY DO YOU REMEMBER THE GOLDEN GLOBES RED CARPET BUT FORGET LIKE EVERY MATH LESSON PLAN I EVER LEARNED IN LIFE!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?! Anyway, this is how Jessica Chastain should dress. No more baggy shit making her boobs look like they’re starting at her belly button and her hair should be like this (whatever this is) as opposed to the Golden Globes that (whatever that was).

I am better at typing bowties better than Bradley Cooper.

FINALLY!!!! I’M BETTER AT SOMETHING OVER BRADLEY COOPER!!!!

Also, Brad stands weird at these shows. He rounds his shoulders forward and his hands awkwardly sit in front of his thighs. It’s weird. He does it at all the awards shows when he’s left alone. Give this man someone for him to put his arm around or teach him to stand properly. Presentation, Bradley! And let me tie your bowtie better. Like not in a free way. I’m not volunteering. Pay me to tie your bowtie. I’ll provide other services like making you laugh, making you gin and tonics, talking sports, and in those long cold nights in Los Angeles we can spoon and watch old UFC events or something. I mean it’s just an option. I mean those early events weren’t as technically sound as nowadays, but they’re wild and fun and cheesy and show a raw talent for winning. Just think about it.

Immediate response: her dress looks great and her body looks great.

Secondary response: her face kind of looks weird. When Nicole has straight hair, all I see is Keith Urban’s face. It’s weird. Is that happening to anyone else?

What is happening here? Is that strap there to intentionally block all of our view of her cleavage? Is that a statement? Is this a political statement about the hidden crimes that happen around the world that we never hear about? Or is this designer CRAZY and trying to block us all from seeing the holy grail of today’s cleavage? Either way, I’m not a huge fan of a-symmetrical stuff, especially when it blocks boobs. Also, Sofia some how looks like 10 years younger, which is great. If that’s the product of the dress then that is wild. But it looks like she’s wearing the dress incorrectly.

TWINSIES!

Shouldn’t they just kiss? Neither would be against it. I’m not saying Ben is gay or that Hugh is gay (although, I do think he is gay), I’m just saying they are people pleasers and they would do it for their fans. Their fans that immediately see two handsome men who look identical to each other and think they should kiss. That’s just how those fans think. Nothing wrong with that, right?

And it would make for a good movie too. If Matt Damon is banging Michael Douglass in a movie then Ben Affleck banging Hugh Jackman is definitely a better movie.

I kind of like this. Again, this is much better than the weird orange number she helped design for the Golden Globes. Marion is gorgeous. Her beauty is versatile too. She can play the old Hollywood beautiful, she can be a contemporary cute, and everything in between. It kind of seems like a mix of those two things as well. She’s got a more modern haircut and the top half looks like she could be going to a bar or a club and the bottom half looks like a ball gown. I like it. Also, for the ladies, there’s the cut out preview window of her shoes, which is more or less the same excitement for ladies and I suppose gay men as I get when there is a cutout preview window of the actresses chesticles.

Claire Danes looks like she could cut a bitch. If that bitch was standing right next to her, but not 4 to 100 feet away. I don’t think Claire can walk in this dress. It’s like her legs are bound together and she is picked up and moved like a rolled up carpet. Also, it looks like she’s got the making for some guns on that exposed right arm. Claire looks deadly serious in this dress. I’m not a fan of it necessarily, although it is completely not what I would expect her to wear or a look that she would go for, so that zaniness I like it. You know how we usually dress Claire up to look like she’s a happy California blonde? Let’s make her like the Queen of the Damned, but blonde.

Pale boobs! Julianne! The rest of the dress is snowflakes or Japanese clouds or something. From the blinding light of paleness down, the dress reads very Japanese to me for some reason. Obviously, I’m not against the boobs and so forth, but the dress seems to me a little loose up top. Maybe it’s the angle, but get that a little snugger. I mean the rest of the dress is snug, so the top part should be as well I suppose. I feel like the dress is telling us a story that Julianne Moore is Mt. Fuji. You know, like her hair is the Sun and under the Sun is a clear white sky and her boobs are the snow capped mountains and the dress is the snowfall that comes with the wind whipping off Julianne’s snowy boobs. And it’s Japanese, so Mt. Fuji.

I mean you can’t go wrong with Kerry Washington showing skin. You can’t. That’s really what the memo is to all these actresses. You’re hot, that’s why we want to see you act or at least are willing to see you act, so show it off. You’re not going to look bad. We already know you don’t look bad. Get simple and show off the body and don’t get weird from there. Making hot people unhot is a challenge, so just dress simple and you’ll look hot. Kerry looks hot. The top part kind of reminds me of a purse. Like that would look nice as a design for a purse. I have no idea. I guess the clasps make me think of a purse. The bottom half makes me think of a dressing gown like a woman would wear pre-20th century.  Kerry looks great as she should.

Enough of these two. I’m tired of everyone on Glee. I’m tired of the idea of Glee. I’m willing to watch them all in something that isn’t Glee, once. Maybe twice if they’re nude. I mean nudity is the great equalizer. Why not? Why not see them do something naked? I mean I watched Kathy Bates get naked in About Schmidt, so Lea Michelle getting naked in anything is certainly watchable. I know she got naked in “Spring Awakens”, so let’s put that on the silver screen. And also, I just hate this nonsense that the people from Glee should be at these things or will have any career outside of Glee. No one will ever see that Matthew Morrison guy ever again on TV or movies without Glee. Jane Lynch is the only one we had heard of before the show and will be the only one after the show too. The rest can repopulate Broadway, which there is nothing wrong with that, but we’ll never hear from them again in a SAG setting or Golden Globes setting again.

As mentioned in the Golden Globes piece, Jennifer Garner has the body to pull off this outfit or any outfit, but her face tells a different story. She never looks comfortable or happy that she is wearing this or really into the photographs. Also, why is her husband off making out with Hugh Jackman and not standing with this gold beauty? If I was a lesbian, I think I would be really into Jennifer Garner. I mean specifically. I really feel like she would be a good choice for lesbians. Like I mentioned before, she’s got this confidence and strength to her that I think lesbians would like. I think straight men should like it to, but I will say it’s not as vocal when most of the ladies in this gallery look like they want IT like a stripper. But in general, men should want Garner, but then lesbians should really want her. Like if you were a butch lesbian then Garner can definitely be the lipstick pretty arm-candy and at the same time not be like some empty-headed looking little girl. And then if you’re already the lipstick arm-candy thing then Garner is definitely pretty to match your pretty, but also I bet she could dominate a chick.

I’ve got a lot of psychoanalysis for Jennifer Garner…. which you wouldn’t expect from someone who never watched “Alias”. Right? Like why do I care so much. I don’t know. I just do. Lesbians! Start dittling yourself to Jennifer Garner!

Let’s make up some ground with a lightning round!!!!

Looking meh.

Looking good, but I liked the sleek sexiness of that Golden Globes suit.

Amanda Seyfried’s head and hair look like a princesses always. Also, Amanda Seyfried has to be really good looking considering in Mean Girls – a movie entirely filled with good looking chicks – Amanda was the one they were friends with specifically because of her looks… and boobs.

YES!!! Daniel Day Lewis as Christopher Walken!!!! Two of my favorite actors have formed one!

Remember us? I’m that guy from that movie from a few years ago. And she’s my girlfriend who should be on every single one of those hot actress lists, but isn’t because people who write those lists are racist.

Yes. So everyone who attended the Golden Globes saw the mistakes they made and fixed them for the SAG awards. Well done, Tina. Her boobs are back! TINA’S BOOBS ARE BACK EVERYONE! YOU CAN BREATHE A DIRTY PHONE CALLER SIGH OF RELIEF! The hair, I can live with it, but it could also be something else too. But I like this dress much better than the Golden Globes one.

Ugh. I don’t like your new single and I don’t like this.

Seriously, Liev is the fucking man! The fucking MAN! And, Naomi Watts looked fine at the Golden Globes but is back to looking like Hollywood royalty fucking hot again. Thank you.

Not into this. Kind of seems like Rose is hiding behind this dress and not actually in it. I actually like the idea of that better than her wearing this dress.

I’m convinced she looks bad in real life on purpose. What’s Kaley’s wardrobe on “Big Bang Theory”? Yoga pants and a tank top and she’s a fucking sex symbol on what the most popular TV shows out there. Then she shows up to this shit and she looks like … well… like she doesn’t want anyone coming within a 5 foot radius of her. It’s off-putting. I don’t like the dress at all. I mean maybe it would work in a Spanish soap opera, but that’s not the real issue. The real issue is her head. What happened to her head? What happened to Kaely’s head? Seriously. Someone needs to hire a detective to get to the bottom of why her head is this. Whatever that is, why is it that way? And make it never happen again.

Ariel Winter started going to school for the first time recently. Do kids still send each other Valentine’s day “grams” or cards or whatever in school? It was a very strange practice and I don’t know why that was allowed in school or more or less supported. But if it is still going on then those kids better get on sending like a million and a half Valentine’s day cards to Ariel. You’re only going to get this chance once. Jump on it. You’re not going to have a shot at Ariel Winter down the road, so don’t let this opportunity slip through your fingers now.

If I were to cast Eddie in a movie, it would probably be as a serial killer. He looks like a serial killer to me. Or I mean a Hollywood  movie serial killer at least.

Finally…

She knows. Oh, she knows.

J.J. Abrams Can Go Suck On A Light Saber

Whaddup.

I love this picture.

It’s by some dude name Pablo Bustos.

Anyway, he’s got a DeviantArt page I think with a ton more pictures or maybe that .com in the bottom of the picture is his page. I don’t know. I got the picture from a different website doing a thing about his artwork. Either way, look at Chewbacca’s little dog tail butt wagging!

Let me being by saying, I LOVE STAR WARS.

I do.

Actually, as the years go on I was expecting to love it less thinking that it was something from my childhood, but that hasn’t happened. Instead, I love it more than before or just as much, but now it’s more mature and with a higher alcohol content.

I think Darth Vader is one of the greatest and most interesting villains in history. World domination? If only. Dude created his own planet and it was a destroyer of other planets. He was going to dominate the universe. He more or less was and that’s why there were rebels. By the time we met Darth Vader in the first Star Wars, he had already succeeded. That’s fucked up. He was already running shit and the Empire was running shit. He wasn’t a villain trying to win; he was a villain who had won and was trying to extend his winning streak/maintain it.

Anyway, I love Star Wars and I ABSOLUTELY HATE EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF THE STAR WARS SEQUELS. Well, not EVERY second. I did love seeing Natalie Portman with the bare midriff. That was before Natalie started getting really sexy in movies and was back when she was keeping it pretty prude, so a bare midriff was like the hottest thing ever like a devout Muslim seeing some chick’s ankles or something similarly ignorant.

With all that being said, I am not against another Star Wars movie. I am pro Episode VII.

Reason being, episodes 1-3 were so fucking terrible that no one can do any more harm to the series than what has already happened. Between the prequels and the recut versions of the originals, whatever could have gone wrong did gone wrong, so we might as well keep going. So, I am interested in seeing another Star Wars because of that and because I think George Lucas is a fucking idiot and would love to see a new director come in and show Lucas how much of a fucking idiot he is by not failing nearly as badly as Lucas did with the prequels.

The problem… I don’t want the dude who is making Star Trek making Star Wars.

Those are TWO SEPARATE ENTITIES that should NEVER TOUCH WHATSOEVER. Gays can get married, but Star Trek and Star Wars cannot. There should be no crossover. I’m not even sure how I feel about actors from one appearing in the other… I’m against it! You chose your side – light saber or fazer and you stick with it! WHAT HAVE WE GONE INSANE?! How did they allow this to happen?

I like J.J. Abrams or I don’t have a problem with him.

I was a big fan of Lost. I never watched Alias. I love Mission Impossible III. I saw his Star Trek and thought it was meh. So, I’ve got no real beef with Abrams. But I have a beef with him being in control of both Star Trek and Star Wars. That seems royally fucked up to me. Isn’t there a separation of church and state in this fucking world anymore?! It’s Star Trek or Star Wars. Never “and”. As consumers, it can be “and”, but you pick a side when asked. I know they’re different. I know one is TV and one is movies. And by that I mean outside of Khan the Star Trek movies are trash. But, there’s a line and it shouldn’t be crossed between the two.

And, let’s be honest, the Star Trek reboot is … what’s a good word to use … what’s a one or two syllable word for “the absence of a soul, but has the possibility of being entertaining”? Is there a word for it. Soulless just doesn’t have the second part. The Star Trek reboot is soulless without a doubt. There’s absolutely no connection from that movie to the TV show. The original movies only had that connection because the actors were also the actors from the TV show. If there is a connection between the movies to the original Star Trek idea, it’s more like the reboot is like the last couple Star Trek movies that put Hollywood into the situation where they decided to have a reboot.

The new Star Trek was “fun” because it full of young people and most of them were good looking people and they were having fun pretending to be something they possibly had seen on TV before. The storyline was stupid. The action was forgettable. The comedy was ok, but not like laugh out loud funny like a real comedy. Who is going to see the Star Trek movie for giggles? It was caught between not being actiony enough to be an action movie and not being plotty enough to be a plot movie. It was kind of just there. Just not that bad and not that good, so in the end it was a placeholder for something else. This something else is the sequel which looks like it is filled with lots of action, which means there goes the storyline and possibly the comedy and in comes Benedict Cumberbatch as the big bad villain you’ve never heard of, are not scared of, and he’s the fucking movie. Ugh…

Now, Abrams is getting Star Wars.

If I hadn’t seen what he’d done with Star Trek, which was uninspiring then I wouldn’t be as negative about him getting Star Wars… plus all that stuff before about how I find it perverted that he’s controlling both brands.

I don’t like the “safe” choice of picking Abrams. The idea that it won’t be terrible and it won’t be good and it will be this placeholder thing again. It’s like hiring a football coach who is there to fix personnel and the cap and restore some order, but not there to win. What’s the point? There’s nothing sexy about J.J. Abrams anymore. There was a time when he was a sexy choice, but now… it’s bleh.

They should’ve seized this opportunity and gone after the wild choice. Give it to anyone. I don’t know who was really a person that actually wanted to do it and at the same time I can think of a million directors I wouldn’t want directing it more than Abrams. It’s just that Abrams doesn’t thrill me.

I know that I should be blaming DISNEY more than Abrams. I know that.

I feel like they should’ve given it to a foreign director. First and foremost, I feel like there are a lot of foreign directors that would have given us that edge that foreign films tend to have that would’ve been interesting. I know that Disney doesn’t want dark. They don’t want edge. They want the same shit that we always get from them. But that’s why they’re losing nowadays. It’s Pixar who is winning the animation wars with the masses and American animation has been losing critical and commercial praise for years to the Japanese. But I’m just saying in my fantasy world, who would I want to give it to and in some ways I think the reboot should be under a foreign filmmaker. The first that comes to mind is Alfonso Cuaron and I think he can be an easy shoe in considering his work with the Harry Potter series.

If not a foreign filmmaker then look at what type of movie you specifically want to make and choose the director on that. For Star Wars, no doubt we’re talking action. At this point, they’re not going to reinvent wheel with the story, so they’re trying to explore the universe with visuals and action, so the Wachowskis or take the director from the best action movie in years and give it to Gareth Evans who directed The Raid. I know Disney would never do that, but it sucks how much sexier that would be if we were possibly going to see The Raid with light sabers in 2015 and not just a meh Star Wars.

Whatever.

The Abrams thing… it’s just not giving me the Star Wars boner that it could and actually is making me angry. Like people saying that this Kate Upton ad for Mercedes is too sexy even though she doesn’t do anything in it. What’s so sexy about it? Isn’t it just about a bunch of kids washing a car watching Kate Upton kind of just stand there and they want to have sex with her. She’s not in a bikini or nothing. What’s the deal? What the fuck is wrong with people? That’s too sexy? Those people should stay away from watching her Carl’s Jr. commercial where they literally zoom in on sweat beading atop her boobs. That’s maybe too sexy for a hamburger commercial and more sexy than watching Upton fully clothed stand next to a Mercedes being washed by some high school looking boys. It’s blowing my mind that people are saying that’s “too sexy”. Those people need to never search Kate Upton’s name in google or their fucking bodies will explode from every angle because of the too sexiness. Have they not seen her never ending litany of bikini commercials or her doing the “cat daddy” dance or even just the gifs of her riding horses and bouncing up and down? I mean am I going nuts here in thinking that the Mercedes gif is pretty much PG at worst and J.J. Abrams as the director of the next Star Wars is just bland?

As mentioned… whatever.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

The UFC has free fights on FOX on Saturday night. There’s a title fight (Demetrius Johnson vs. John Dodson), two big bad bald dudes are fighting (Glover Texiera vs. Quinton “Rampage” Jackson), two of the most exciting fighters on the planet are fighting each other (Anthony “Showtime” Pettis vs. Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone), and then two other really exciting guys are fighting each other (Erik Koch vs. Ricardo Lamas). So enjoy that, I will.

I love you?

I’d Dominate the Entire Cast of “Pitch Perfect” in Basketball

What up, Pitch Perfect? CHALLENGE ME! I’d eat you up in the paint!

Last night, I watched Pitch Perfect and the short review is two fold…

1. I liked it.

2. Yes. Yes, I would have consensual sexual relations with all major and minor characters and possibly the extras as well in Pitch Perfect.

Oh Em Gee! They’re all so pretty! More like Pretty Pitch Pretty Perfect Pretty. That doesn’t make any sense.

As for the longer review…

Let me start with an equation…

Bring It On  +  Drumline  + Glee  + BOOB CLEAVAGE  = Pitch Perfect

If that sounds like a movie that you would like to see then you should definitely see Pitch Perfect. It’s exactly the above. It’s Bring It On in the sense that it’s definitely a movie geared to the people that it is obviously on the surface geared toward, but it’s got a lot of humor in it that wouldn’t be associated with that type of movie. Instead of just looking like a Freddie Prinze Jr. movie, Bring It On does have a lot of jokes that land that are way funnier than anything FPJ got his weirdo hands on.

As for Drumline, the story is almost i-fucking-dentical with Drumline.

Instead of Nick Cannon, insert…

Chesty, pixie princess Anna Kendrick.

It’s not really a movie based on plot, so “spoilers” won’t ruin the viewing experience. You’re here watching this movie because of the singing and possibly because of a series of hot white chicks portraying college girls who cannot stop showing off their cleavage. That’s the other reason you could be watching the movie. Oh wait! Of course, you could be watching the movie for the magical boy actors with their boy voices and I guess their je ne sais quoi, quirky, nerdy appeal.

Anyway, instead of Nick Cannon and his rogue drumming abilities, we have Anna Kendrick, her never ending closet of tanktops, and her DJ SKILLZ!

DJ DOWN-THE-SHIRT-SHOT SPINNING ON THE ONE’S AND TWO’S! THE WHEELS OF STEEL WILL BE RUNNING ALL NIGHT COURTESY OF DJ D-CUP-ON-A-5-FOOT-FRAME! WHAT! WHAT!

In Drumline, Nick Cannon is right about everything. Everything! At no point are his ideas not 100% about the eventuality of them winning. If in the beginning all the people in charge of said Drumline would have just shut up and listened to this all knowing and all talented Freshman then they would have been a cohesive, unstoppable drumming force the entire movie through. Same goes for Anna’s character. About a third through the movie, Anna has an epiphany that her God given DJ skills will help the girls become the most amazing singers and would win the singing tournament, but if it wasn’t for the needlessly close minded and conservative character of Anna Camp…

who is the blonde on the right who you may remember from Mad Men when she gave Don Draper a big ole’ blow jay in the back of a working taxi cab… what what what! … So, Anna Camp is the hardliner who is unwilling to bend, but needs to bend and change her ways because every time she does something right happens and everything that she thinks should happen is a wrong decision. This was something I didn’t like about the movie and didn’t like about Drumline or a bunch of other movies. Anna Camp’s character should have good ideas. I guess someone could say her trying to lead them in singing practice is a good idea, but I mean she never has a moment where she’s really right until she makes the decision to stop making decisions and turn over all the power to Anna Kendrick who is completely inexperienced in everything that she’s doing.

In Drumline, that was an issue as well. Leonard Roberts’ character Sean Taylor is not right about anything. What they do give him credit for seemingly is that Nick Cannon can’t win the drumming contest on his own and needs to use Roberts’ talent. In Pitch Perfect that kind of happens, but doesn’t. Roberts’ character is obviously the greatest drummer out there minus Nick Cannon and it’s really Cannon’s ability to improvise on top of the technical abilities that makes him better than Roberts who is shown to be a good match for Cannon up until Cannon just out and out beats him, which I thought was a bad move in Drumline. Just saying from a storytelling perspective that in Drumline Roberts should have had some good ideas and been technically superior to Cannon where as Cannon’s new ideas and originality made him more of the star that the team needed to be to win. In Pitch Perfect, there could have been a similar dynamic. Just saying…

Either way, we have Brittany Snow up there who plays the friendly half of her and Camp as well as playing a redhead. Brittany’s the more unconventional but doesn’t speak up enough one. And her big scene in the movie more or less is getting Anna Kendrick to sing naked…

Hot naked girls confronting other hot naked girls in the dorm showers was really all I thought about in college and God bless the director for making that happen.

Let’s move on from Drumline, and get back to Anna Kendrick playing Kristen Stewart with singing skills.

With the black eyeliner, the open flannel shirt over the tanktop, the jeans, the messy hair, the “I’m 98 pounds, but I’m tough and listen to real music”… the character of Beca is absolutely perfect for Kristen Stewart. She’s detached from society (because of her stupid parents divorce, which was seemingly the mother’s fault who we never meet) but wants (IT) to have friends so desperately and instead takes that want and puts it into her DJ remixes. Such a classic story.

It’s definitely right up Kristen Stewart’s alley except for can Kristen Stewart sing like a GD-ing angel?

That’s the question. Kendrick sings like a Disney Princess and naturally so does actual Disney Princesses Brittany Snow and Anna Camp and so on. Anna does a good enough job I suppose pretending she’s an 18 year old Kristen Stewart filled with angst and apparently slightly narcoleptic that she falls asleep during all movies she watches – odd character trait. As mentioned, you’re not really there for the story, so you can kind of sleepwalk through the story and focus on the boob shots like the many of Alexis Knapp’s…

Alexis Knapp has got some boobs.

Like huge and exquisite and they should be in a museum. In an actual museum, there should be every single frame of Knapp’s naked boobs from the movie “Project X” with 100 inch HD video monitors just replaying the gif of her boobs in that one scene of that movie playing to infinity.

It’s about the singing. The movie is about the singing. And it’s acapella singing and it’s like Glee in that they’re not original songs, but covers of songs. And the movie knows that it is like Glee because it takes a few pot shots at Glee in a way to I guess beat people to saying it.

Similar to what Rebel Wilson’s character “Fat Amy” is doing with her “Fat Amy” name…

And she’s the fucking movie.

As much as “Pitch Perfect” wants to pretend to separate themselves from “Glee”, what makes “Glee” work or what used to make it work – is that show still on, I’m assuming it is – is the same shit that makes “Pitch Perfect” work: the singing. If you want to hear a bunch of falsetto having Broadway style singing, fresh faced actors/resses sing popular songs then you’re going to like “Pitch Perfect” and you’re also going to like “Glee”.

As for Rebel Wilson, she’s the fucking movie. I don’t care – really I do care – about all the cleavage shots of Anna Kendrick and Alexis Knapp or all the framed shots to just sneak in the tight shirt over Anna Camp’s or Brittany Snow’s boobs, the movie is bought and sold on Rebel Wilson as not only the singer/performer, but as the comedian with the best lines in the movie. Every scene she steals and every scene she’s not in better have the cleavage shots or something as mentioned because the rest of the stuff is pretty mindless. I don’t care about Anna Kendrick’s DJing dreams and honestly she stops caring about them too. So, when Rebel Wilson is on screen, something good is happening – always happening.

I doubt Hollywood knows what to do with Rebel Wilson. In general, Hollywood doesn’t know what to do with most actors and basically every actress, so who knows what they’ll do with Rebel. The first thing that comes to mind for me is that Rebel should have a TV show on HBO. While HBO hasn’t given some of these shows enough time, HBO has done an excellent job developing shows based around a singular talent, especially seen in their half hour comedy shows. I know it sounds like I’m going for the obvious, but a show like “Flight of the Conchords” would work. Allow for a mix of music and comedy with dream sequence/music video elements and I think she would thrive. She can be in movies too obviously, but she’s got a wider range of talent and randomness that I think would fit TV more than movies. It would be a misstep not to try and build a show around her.

What else is in the movie?

There’s this chick who is supposed to be the “weird” element of the movie and she certainly is, but the weirdest part of this movie is…

Is that the main character guy on the left LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE his randomly assigned roommate on the right. And it turns out the two of them are amazing acapella singers, which almost seems like the guy on the left could be Ethan Hawke/Paul Dano in the movie “Taking Lives”. He’s never heard about the acapella singing before, but the kid on the right has, but it’s the kid of the left who actually steps in and takes the acapella singing opening thus taking the dream away from the other kid. Also, with all this Star Wars paraphernalia around that belongs to the kid on the right, the kid on the left later talks about Star Wars and I thought he may have killed the kid on the right and took all his Star Wars stuff as well.

Of course, I cannot forget to mention the male show stealer to Rebel Wilson’s super vaginal female show stealing…

Adam from Workaholics is a fucking revelation.

I hope he is in every movie ever. I love Workaholics. Honestly, I never thought I would see this movie. As much as I like Anna Kendrick and find the rest of the female cast wet dream worthy, that isn’t anything different than one of the billion High School Musical movies. Good looking kids singing isn’t an appeal to me. I don’t watch Glee and I doubt I ever will… but when I found out that Adam from Workaholics was in this and he was one of the stars of the movie, this I had to see and I’m glad I did.

Adam brings a toned down version of his character from Workaholics, but a lot of the same humor. And he nails his scenes. Him and Rebel Wilson are very funny and entertaining throughout the movie.

So, what am I saying?

See the movie if you wanted to see the movie. I doubt anyone who initially wanted to see this movie would not like this movie.

If you weren’t interested in seeing this movie, but can be down for listening to a bunch of attractive actresses sing like a million Bruno Mars songs then you should see the movie. If you saw Drumline, You Got Served, Bring It On and/or any movie of the like then you should give this a chance as well. Unless you only saw one of those movies and are really into drumming in a drumline then maybe this movie isn’t for you and you should keep watching Drumline. I don’t know. I’ve never met someone like that, so I can’t tell you what to do in that case.

It’s pretty funny, the people are good singers, if you like pop radio then the music is good, it’s certainly entertaining in a half-time show kind of way with the musical productions, and if that doesn’t sell you then just remember like 35 – 40% of the movie are scenes pretending like they’re about something, but are really about Anna Kendrick’s boobs…

Fucking glorious.

I’m not making this shit up.

Amanda Seyfried as Marissa Tomei as Linda Lovelace

Hi.

BOOM!

Honestly, I’m severely uninterested in seeing a movie about Linda Lovelace whether or not there is a shaved Wes Bentley in it.

I saw the documentary about “Deep Throat” entitled “Inside Deep Throat” and that was good enough for me. I’ve never sat around and thought to myself that I wanted to see the original “Deep Throat” or cared to really know much about the people who created it, but “Inside Deep Throat” got good reviews and it was on Netflix and I was bored and I watched it. That fulfilled about any quota of interest I could have in the subject.

Now, there’s “Lovelace” with Amanda Seyfriend playing said Linda Lovelace.

I mentioned before if there are nude scenes of Amanda Seyfried then I’m interested in seeing those scenes. Like I didn’t sit through the movie “Chloe” featuring Julianne Moore, Liam Neeson, and Amanda Seyfried having topless sex with both Julianne Moore and Liam Neeson. I saw the latter. I saw the topless sex, which you can too with a couple of key strokes into the google bar and they should pop-up on a Daily Motion or some such website. That’s really all you need. And I don’t mean that in just the perverted sense, but seriously – why would you watch the rest of that movie?

The movie is about an escort, Amanda Seyfried, being paid to have sex with a husband, Liam Neeson, and tell those sex stories to the wife of said husband, Julianne Moore, and, eventually, she gets into the sexing of the escort as well. So, do yourself a favor and cut out all the scenes of driving or talking or walking or mindless nonsense like that and just watch what is the plot and at the same time the Skinemax scenes of a topless Seyfried and Neeson and Moore. It’s literally why the movie was made.

Anyway, now, we got “Lovelace”. And most likely a whole bunch of scenes of Amanda pantomiming blowing dudes. Wunderbar!

I had no expectations for this movie other than that I wouldn’t see it, but after seeing this clip I wish the movie was about Amanda Seyfried portraying Marissa Tomei as Marissa Tomei or possibly as Linda Lovelace. Linda was from New York, but this is most definitely not just a New York accent, it’s a spot on Marissa Tomei impression. The body language, the timing, the breathiness… I’d much rather see that movie of Amanda as Marissa than this Lovelace nonsense.

Strangely enough, Amanda is not the only Linda Lovelace out there. Malin Akerman is also playing Linda Lovelace in an entirely different Linda Lovelace movie. Why? Who the fuck knows? But I have an idea…

Let’s have Malin as Amanda as Marissa as Linda? Or let’s combine the Malin and Amanda movies and just swap scenes back and forth. Like the movie starts with Amanda because they were the first to put out footage and then in scene 2 we get Malin then scene 3 we get Amanda and so on. Or maybe Amanda can play Linda when she did porn and Malin can play Linda when she rallied against it but still did naked photoshoots every so often? What about let’s get all the actors from both movies playing their roles together side by side in stereo for an entire movie. So, Amanda and Malin are standing next to each other acting the same scene out at the same time with the same dialogue. And they’re both really acting as Marissa Tomei which is seen as a reasonable approximation of Linda Lovelace.

Or… we can make none of those movies, so no one has to see them. That’s an idea!

What about Amanda Seyfried playing like Simone de Beauvoir instead of Linda Lovelace? Are we saying Linda had more interesting life or did more than Simone de Beauvoir? More controversial? Looks wise, I mean Simone was a brunette too, so Amanda can keep that whig. Amanda’s a lot prettier than Linda ever was, so it wasn’t like Amanda was hired because of her comparable looks to Linda. As far as sex? She was French for one, sexed Sartre for two, supposedly seduced a 17 year old girl for three, so… seems a lot better than giving BJs to mustached guys on 8mm.

Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe Linda Lovelace isn’t that interesting of a character and at the same time another ho hum acting job for an actress.

What the fuck do I know.