WHAT UP!

I know I’m late with this. I was writing something for the UFC and I got distracted by the internet after I finished the writing and forgot to come back here and tell you all about the rest of the crap coming out in June.

I’m going to do an abbreviated lightning round style round-up of this crap. I mean there’s a real possibility that the only way you’ll see any of these movies is if someone drugs and kidnaps you and their end game is to get you to see one of these movies.

Well, except for Monsters University. Chicks love Pixar.

MANIAC

Let me answer for you – nope.

Oh shit, I forgot to ask the rhetorical question!

Do you want to see Elijah Wood as a serial killer in a remake of a 1980’s movie?

Now, I’ll answer for you… NOPE.

MONSTERS UNIVERSITY

Yeah, you’ll see this.

I know you will.

Don’t pretend like you won’t.

WORLD WAR Z

Did you read the book? Did you like the book?

Well… FUCK YOU!

This ain’t about that book. It’s about something almost completely different.

Also, why is Brad Pitt on his knees? It’s not like this wasn’t a photoshopped picture. Couldn’t they have had him standing and photoshopped him into this photo from a scene that never happens in the book?

A BAND CALLED DEATH

YES!

I will see this.

I actually bought from iTunes the album that these guys made way back in 1974 that has been secretly passed around for years. It’s like $7 and is amazing.

Basically, way before the punk movement was “started” there were these guys and they were fucking shredding like MC5 on their best day and they named their band Death because that’s amazing. Check it out.

BYZANTIUM

Do you like vampires? Of course, you do.

Do you like over the top style? Of course, you do.

Do you like Gemma Arterton’s milky white heaving cleavage? Of course, you do.

Do you like Saoirse Ronan? Of course, you do.

Are you going to see this movie? Probably not.

THE HEAT

No, it’s not “Heat” – the incredible 3 hour movie that never gets less amazing every time you watch it. No, this is “The Heat” – the action-comedy starring who gives a fuck and what the fuck’s her face and you won’t see it and neither will I.

REDEMPTION

DID YOU SEE “FAST & FURIOUS 6” YET?!!!?!?!?!?!

Oh man, how great was it when Jason Statham showed up?!!?!?!?!?!?!?

I really wish James Wan wasn’t directing Fast 7, but what can you do.

Either way, no one is ever seeing “Redemption”.

SOME GIRL(S)

I’ll probably never see a second of this, which means there’s a 99% chance you will not either.

There are some beautiful women in this movie though who have other work you should watch…

Kristen Bell – Veronica Mars

Zoe Kazan – Ruby Sparks

… errr… I don’t know those next two…

Emily Watson – Punch Drunk Love or The Proposition

WHITE HOUSE DOWN

HOLY FUCK THIS LOOKS TERRIFIC!

Errrr… I mean TERRIFYING.

This looks like it could be the worst movie ever produced.

Wow.

What a shit month of movies.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!!!1111!!!!11!!!!

Shalom, testicles and vulvas…

Let’s get the fuck into these movies – right the fuck a way! Am I right?! You know what this post is about and I know what this post is about. It is about June movies and me talking about them kind of sort of and more or less shitting on them or taking one small piece of those movies and focusing on that piece entirely without telling you anything about the movie. So let’s get the fuck into this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But first, let me take a moment and talk about MAD MEN

Yesterday, the internet was awash in Mad Men conspiracy theories. I hadn’t watched Sunday’s episode of Mad Men until last night. So, all day I’m seeing people wax on, wax off about Megan Draper being Sharon Tate and how Megan wearing that Sharon Tate red star t-shirt and Megan as actress and every time Megan spoke there were police sirens and Peggy stabbing Abe and Don not being home ever – all means MEGAN IS GOING TO BE MURDERED!

I don’t want to make it sound like I’m super excited to see Megan get murdered, but I’M SUPER EXCITED TO SEE MEGAN GET MURDERED. That sounds like I just contradicted myself, but you would really have to hear me say it in my head to know that I am in fact contradicting myself. I really like the idea of Megan getting murdered because it’s fucking something. I think in the grand scheme of things it is completely and utterly stupid nonsense to get Megan written off the show because once people got over her sexy French song they’ve hated her for every scene after that… plus no one buys that Don is into her.

One theory is that Doctor Jew who is married to Linda Cardellini would kill her or a random street thug. I hope if they do do this that they don’t doodoo it up by making it a random street thug and instead have Doctor Jew kill her as part of Don’s infidelity killing someone. That would be a lot more interesting.

Another article I saw was about BOB BENSON and how he possibly could be a double agent for either the government, another advertising agency, a newspaper or anything. That would be interesting as well I suppose. No one seems to know who he is, he just shows up and tells people his name and gives them that Bob Benson smile and they’re all like he’s harmless. I would like to find out that he’s not harmless and the ad agency is so full of themselves that they can’t keep track of anything that is going on in the office including who the hell works for them.

With that being said, I thought this week’s episode was whatever. The stuff with Megan had already been done. Don fucking Betty was interesting I supposed, but not nearly as interesting as Betty being Hot Betty after seemingly a decade of her being Frumpy Betty. The Abe/Peggy stuff was long overdue. And by that, I mean Peggy should’ve stabbed Abe a long long time ago. Bob Benson and Christina Hendricks was whatever. The Duck Phillips dick tease was just that – a Duck Phillips dick tease. Oh remember how great it was when he was full on fucking Peggy like he was Don Draper and told her he liked when she tasted like scotch. They need to revisit that storyline with Peggy full-on roleplaying Duck around like she’s either Don or, obviously, as Ted.

Either way, Bobby is a robot and gave me nightmares.

With that out of the way… JUNE MOVIES!!!!!

THE INTERNSHIP

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Maybe.

There is no good track record for comedy anymore. I remember when the only thing holding Vince Vaughn back was the excuse that these were all kids movies he was doing or family movies. This is literally “Wedding Crashers 2” if they wanted it to be “Wedding Crashers 2” and I’m not at all psyched for this movie. I remember being so psyched for “The Watch” last year and then I didn’t even see it and still haven’t watched a second of it. It was unanimously hated by every single thing that had the unfortunate fate of sitting in a room with it on. I don’t know what to think of this movie. Vince Vaughn is apparently Vince Vaughn’s own kryptonite to his own comedy. I saw that movie he did with Kevin James and it absolutely horrible. I don’t know if Vince forgot how to be funny or he’s doing this on purpose because he hates us and America.

The idea for the movie is decent. Re-teaming Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson and making them interns at Google. That is a more than good enough movie idea. But I haven’t laughed at the trailers AT ALL. I don’t like that. That’s not to say it can’t be funny with the trailers being unfunny – it just means it is unlikely. There are completely unfunny movies with funny trailers… apparently… Hangover III is unfunny or the best parts are in the trailers. Who knows.

Right now, I’m preparing to see this movie. I’m also preparing to be let down even though this movie should be funny. I’m also about preparing about 15% of me thinking I won’t see this movie because a lot of big comedy movies have been terrible lately and I hate sitting through bad comedy more than bad drama or bad action.

And not to get all feminazi, but I actually had to look up if there are women in this movie. Who the fuck has a vagina and is in this movie? Judging by the trailers this movie is on a Lawrence of Arabia avenue of no pussy. If anything, 75% of what makes Vince Vaughn funny is him talking about sex or trying to get sex.

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

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I heard about this movie when it was first being literally thrown together and forgot about it and now it is here. So, Joss Whedon got a bunch of his disciples together and made a modern retelling of Billy Shakespeare’s comedy “Much Ado About Nothing” in a week. I think it’s literally a week it took to shoot his movie. Is that good? Probably not. But who knows.

I didn’t like The Avengers and I’m not into Firefly, but I love Neil Patrick Harris’ Dr. Horrible and I really really enjoyed Cabin in the Woods. Is that telling me that the more Joss Whedon spends on something the less I like it and vice versa? I feel like it kind of is. The more Joss Whedon has his time to make it all Joss Whedon-y then the less I’m enjoying myself. Maybe that means I’ll really like this.

More than anything, I’ll probably forget that this movie was made and never see it or end up watching it one day while eating breakfast and I’m in the bathroom giving myself a Peet’s coffee enema.

THE PURGE

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Ethan Hawke must have a bank account problem. The problem is that there was nothing in it.

I think Mr. Hawke learned what all “artists” learn and that is there is no money in being an “artist” and he spent his late 1990’s and early 2000’s wasting his good looks and now he looks kind of like a hamster and makes every garbage genre movie they throw at him. I believe this is the 1,000,000th horror movie Ethan Hawke has made in the past 5 years.

The idea of this movie is that in the future I guess population or something gets out of control or maybe it’s just violent emotions get out of control, so the government sanctions 24 hours of free criminal activity with no recourse… which of course turns everyone into a nightmarish serial killer for those 24 hours.

Spoiler alert – I’ll never watch a second of this actual movie ever. And, will be forced to watch the same 30 seconds from the nonstop barrage of commercials over and over again.

There’s a scene in the promo where two people in bunny masks are I believe swinging on a swing set just to be creepy as hell outside of Ethan Hawke’s house. That just seems ludicrous that a person would do that. Like, let’s actually be creepy and not just murderous for a minute during this 24 hour kill spree. Either way, I’m not seeing this ever.

RAPTUREPALOOZA

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How did this movie title not make any BBC jokes? HOW?!

I don’t know how Anna Kendrick does it but she is the tiniest and tittiest human being on the planet. Also, she’s very talented. At the same time, Craig Robinson is super funny. AND, at the same time, this movie looks incredibly skippable. If you watch the full trailer online, you see what I would bet is the entire movie. From beginning to end, all the best beats and plot twists and even I feel like the ending.

In many ways, this movies is Bedazzled with a gender swap of roles. I did see Bedazzled in theaters and I did think there was a moment in the movie where you pretty much see Elizabeth Hurley’s vag, but it’s photoshopped out which made me wonder if that was on purpose and that the Devil does not have any sex organs like Kevin Smith alludes to in Dogma (the angels and Salma Hayek are smooth like Ken Dolls).

I doubt I’ll see this. I doubt I’ll even have the opportunity to unless I wait for it to show up on Netflix. Maybe they can put these two in a movie I’ll actually be interested in next time. I also think this movie should be the other way around and play with the idea that a white woman is a black man’s devil or something. But whatever… next time.

TIGER EYES

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I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. No, not Judy Blume, although I think there are people who have been waiting for a Judy Blume book to get made into movies… but I mean the kickstarting of Willa Holland’s solo movie career and the return of the Pink Power Ranger – Amy Jo Johnson.

This movie is about what all Judy Blume books are about and that’s the unique experience of growing up and dealing with adult problems all while having ovaries and labias. The movie is actually directed by Judy’s son, which I don’t care about at all, but I know that in my brain. I am more interested in the casting of Amy Jo Johnson because I watched way too many episodes of the Power Rangers as a kid. AND, I watched every episode of The O.C. so I’m familiar with Willa Holland…. but I’ll never see this.

Seriously? I’m not seeing this movie. I guess I was excited that someone else might be seeing it, but you’re only going to see this if you get drunk and start watching Lifetime and this just so happens to be on Lifetime. I am somewhat surprised that Amy Jo Johnson and Willa Holland never really hit their mark. They both had all the prerequisites to move on and do things like other contemporaries, but I guess didn’t. I did just look up Willa Holland’s IMDB profile and she’s been doing a lot of TV, but it’s a lot of TV that I don’t watch. They’re all kind of supporting roles or less though… I’ll just say I expected that Willa Holland was going to be a big deal, which was probably due to my bias of watching The O.C. and trying to justify that they all would be big deals and meanwhile none of them have really moved on that much.

So, Judy Blume?

VIOLET & DAISY

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Have you been wishing and hoping to see Alexis Biedel aka Rory Gilmore kill people with guns? Have you been waiting for a “Hanna” sequel where Hanna is kind of a lesbian and still kills people, but isn’t nearly as good at it anymore? Then this is the movie for you!

To start, Alexis Biedel is 32 years old and playing a teenager in this movie. Are you fucking kidding me? A TEENAGER. Not to say Alexis looks old because she does look young, but next to Saoirse Ronan who is legitimately a teenager, Alexis does not look like a teenager. How about we quickly recast this with Willa Holland and Saoirse Ronan and actually make this about lesbians who are assassins or just lesbians who watch assassin movies or maybe just the lesbian thing and forget the rest of it including James Gandolfini and his dirty fingers.

I did watch the trailer for this and Danny Trejo is smiling and wearing a backpack in this movie while sitting on a bench. What does that mean? That Danny Trejo was probably horribly miscast for his role as the happy backpack wearer who is waiting for a bus.

I do like Saoirse Ronan a lot and I think she has a bright future ahead of her as more or less evil Dakota Fanning. I would pay so much money to see a movie with the two of them being at odds with each other in a Macaulay Culkin and Elijah Wood “Good Son” remake or possibly a sort of “War of the Roses” movie where two sisters won’t leave their dead parents’ house and they go crazy on each other.

!!!!!!!!!!!!PUSSY RIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Greatest band name ever.

PUSSY RIOT has a documentary coming out. That’s great. I’ll probably track this down.

Honestly, I don’t know why it took so long to make a punk band called PUSSY RIOT starring a few chicks in ski masks. I feel like that should have happened a long time ago and somehow it didn’t and it took Russia to do it. Hopefully this doc is readily available.

THIS IS THE END

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If there is a movie that will be funny, I’m guessing it will be this one.

These guys really haven’t disappointed when there is more than a few of them together. Sure Jonah Hill’s couple of comedies and Rogen’s couple of movies by himself were whatever, but when it’s all of them in a room together I would be surprised if this wasn’t funny. Too many funny people, too many people who have worked together a lot, and an easy enough storyline for constant absurdity.

AND unlike “The Internship” the trailers are funny. It is also a cameo a minute and thankfully most of these cameos are of other funny people like Michael Cera, Aziz Ansari, Kevin Hart, et cetera. This movie is also pretty filled with dong like the Internship. I do think this movie has a lot more promise than the Internship. I will see this.

THE BLING RING

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From one Emma Watson cameo to seemingly a little bit more than a cameo. The trailers are really pushing her as the main character and even this poster suggests it with her in the middle, but Emma has actually stated that she isn’t the STAR of the movie. So, who knows.

I will say that this being directed by Sofia Coppola is a tad worrisome. I do love “Lost in Translation” and I did really like “Marie Antoinette” and I know that I didn’t see “Somewhere”, but “Somewhere” made people ANGRY something fierce. I’ve never sat through “Virgin Suicides” so I can’t speak to that – somehow that movie just slipped through the cracks with me. BUT I was looking forward to “Somewhere” until I saw the reviews and the reviews were worse than anything said by that angry mob holding torches who came for Dr. Frankenstein’s monster. People HATED that movie. HATED it. HATED IT so much that they weren’t even classifying it as a movie. They simply were calling it a waste of time. That it wasn’t even a movie, but a thing they watched and hated and would have wasted a genie wish on getting back that time wasted on watching “Somewhere”.

So, what does that mean for “Bling Ring”? I don’t know. I’m truly not interested in the movie and am only interested in seeing Emma Watson dance in a club and not be making googly eyes at the two most uninteresting leading men of all time in Ron and Harry Potter. I would honestly watch a Hermione spin off if they could guarantee that Ron and HP were not in it. So, I’m sort of very interested in seeing Emma Watson act in a movie that’s not a movie about magical British children, but I don’t know if this is that movie that I’ll see. I’ll temper my reaction to this movie with the reviews. If people are loving it then I’ll see it.

If you’re wondering why I didn’t see Perks of Being a Wallflower then you really need to sit back and think how much I feel like watching a movie about another 14 year old boy who is fucking boring as fuck who is for whatever reason fawned over by Emma Watson.

MAN OF STEEL

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Yes.

FUCK YES!

I’m seeing the shit out of this movie.

I’ve actually begun removing myself from reading about this movie to properly unsaturate myself from it, so I’ll be fucking frothing at the mouth as soon as this shit starts. I’m thoroughly a Zack Snyder fan. I am a big Zack Snyder fan. And, I’m a BIGGER Zack Snyder fan when he’s dealing with someone else’s story. The guy is a visual director. The guy can make shit come to life. The guy should not be involved in the re-writes or in the scripting, but he should be in charge of putting it all together. I think he’s going to blow our dicks off with this movie. I think he’s going to blow our dicks off and at the same time I think this will be pretty much Superman 2 minus the cheese, but with a lot of hero shots that will become very repetitive.

I will say that this movie falls in line with something that I hate that almost every other superhero movie does and that is make a movie about the superhero hating to be said superhero.

WHY?! Why is that the only storyline people can come up with for superheroes?

Good superhero movies and bad superhero movies alike are about the constant struggle of the superhero accepting being that superhero. That’s what Iron Man 1 and 2 and, maybe, 3 was about. That’s what Green Lantern was about. That’s what Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and The Dark Knight Rises was about. That’s what the previous Batman movies were about as well except it was about giving up the cape and cowl to get married. LAME! That’s what Superman Returns was about. That’s what all the Spider-Man movies has been about. That’s what Thor was about. That’s what The Avengers was about. That’s what the two Hulk movies are about. I could go on and on. The Watchmen is about superheroes who gave it up, who get into it when it suited them, but ultimately are ready to give up on it again. Rorschach and Oz are the only two still being their super sides by choice and Dr. Manhattan is doing it because he has to in a sense.

The only superhero movies where the hero really accepts being the hero and just fucking runs with it for the whole movie is The Crow, Captain America, The Matrix, and Blade. I will say that Blade HATES himself for being part vampire, but just fucking accepts it, tries to make it work with that blue liquid stuff, and goes on his mission of fucking up vampires.

So, I’m not psyched that this movie will be about Superman having to figure out again that he needs to be Superman. Hopefully, that isn’t the main focus. I just think it makes it seem so wussy that they are always crying about being heroes. I don’t know why it has to be that way. Oh it’s lonely being a superhero… SUCK IT UP!

Anyway…

That’s the first half of June movies. I’m seeing 2 for certain, 3 probably, 4 maybe.

Hallelujah, lads and ladies!

Danielle and I saw it. WE SAW IT!

FAST & FURIOUS SIX!!!!!!!!!!

AND IT WAS GLORIOUS!!!!!!

So, let me get this out of the way, I liked it. I liked it a lot.

If you’re looking for a Summer blockbuster to see right this very second then there is no substitute for F&F6. I’ll fully admit that I haven’t seen any of the other “blockbusters” that have come out thus far unless you’re considering Oblivion one of them. I saw Oblivion and it was worse than AIDS. There is pretty much a cure for AIDS. There is no cure for Oblivion once you’re exposed to it. Back to the point, I haven’t seen Iron Man 3, but those movies are terrible and apparently the commercials show every single action scene minus Gwyneth Paltrow saving the day – which if we’re keeping track is the second movie of three where she has saved the day, meanwhile Iron Man has not been the sole hero in any of these movies. I didn’t see Star Trek although everyone knows those are soulless husks of movies and this one despite the title is more about comedy than action or darkness. And that’s it so far.

Unless you’re planning on popping your 2013 blockbuster cherry with Man of Steel then you should go see F&F6.

Let me begin talking about this movie with the positives.

First and foremost:

The Rock and Gina Carano are the greatest.

I don’t care what the fuck they’re doing at any fucking time – I just fucking love seeing them up there on the big silver screen doing whatever it is that they’re doing. I’m an utter fucking fanboy for the two of these people and I really wish this was a buddy action movie franchise.

Supposedly, The Rock is getting his own spin off from the F&F series where it will follow his Hobbs character just fucking people up around the world. It would make a million times worth of sense if Gina was his right hand woman who is laying down vicious beatings alongside the “Samoan Thor”. But, if you have seen F&F6 you know that that is not going to happen because some asshat decided to fuck that up. It’s not a “spoiler”, but let’s just say that The Rock and Gina don’t go walking off into the sunset together.

But it would be so fucking cool if they did!

HOW BADASS ARE THEY?!

Generally speaking, the positives of this movie are positives that can be associated with Fast 5. This movie is very similar to that movie with a tonal shift. Basically, Fast 5 in the end is a crime caper akin to Oceans 12 (yes, the sequel) and Fast 6 in the end is the A-Team but better than the actual A-Team movie.

F&F 6 is the A-Team.

That’s what it boils down to.

As far as action, there is some great action in this movie. There are a lot of hand-to-hand fight scenes, which are all actually very good. The director Justin Lin does a nice job blending some straight hand-to-hand fight scenes with some of the most ludicrous over-the-top action scenes. The most ludicrous scene is probably when we first see Ludacris and he has his shirt off and he’s jacked and that was unsettling and he’s hacking an ATM to spit money out for street urchins and hot bikini thong wearing chicks alike. But I digress…

It would’ve been nice if Justin Lin invested in a steadicam for some of these fight scenes because the shaky cam plus hand-to-hand fighting brings back bad memories from the second Bourne movie. You invest in a fight choreographer – invest in a steadicam. It makes sense, right?

Gina’s two fight scenes with Michelle Rodriguez are great. The fight between the Indonesian actor from The Raid vs. Tyrese and Han was also great. The final fight sequence between the British Hulk vs. The Rock and the evil Owen Shaw vs. Vin Diesel was pretty great too. And it was particularly amazing that Vin Diesel ended this fight sequence with a flying headbutt off the top rope. I mean, you don’t see that everyday. And you should. It would probably change all of our lives for the better.

As for the cars because for some reason it is all about the cars in these movies. The bad guy and his F1 car covered in unfinished metal was very cool. Some of the best action scenes in the movie are in the first half when the good guys are losing to the bad guys. It’s also good for establishing that the bad guys are fully capable of defeating the undefeatable good guys.

As mentioned the action scenes range from close quarters to SUPERHERO stuff. Obviously, the one action sequence featuring the tank that you might have seen in the commercials is ABSURD. There are a series of moments in that sequence in particular where people jumping from a moving car and landing on another moving car becomes cliche… it happens so often that it’s a given that they’ll be able to make the next leap. It is a mix of the tank action stuff in A-Team with the highway driving sequence in The Matrix except instead of people with superpowers because they’re in an elaborate videogame program these guys are doing the same stuff because any good hoodlum from Los Angeles could do it if they will it enough.

That scene also ends with Vin Diesel being hurled from one car and tackling Michelle Rodriguez who was hurled from another car and the two crash safely onto the roof of another car. It’s really physiques 101. If force X meets the opposing force Vin Diesel then Jesus will place a car where Vin Diesel is expecting to land and nestle them into a safe landing. I’m kind of skipping to the end, but Jesus is kind of a huge part of this movie. Vin in real life is quite religious supposedly, so there’s a lot about a crucifix, they make it through these action scenes through faith, and they end by saying grace to Jesus for keeping them safe through their international criminal exploits. Makes perfect sense. The Bibles verses come to life!

Besides Jesus and car porn… this movie is about…

LADIES.

These ladies in particular. Or really about the first two and then the last two.

Pretty much the whole movie is about getting Michelle Rodriguez back. Back to fucking Vin Diesel. If you’re a fan of the other movies then you would know that Vin has coped with the supposed death of Michelle Rodriguez by blasting away in the little Brazilian number in the middle. But right at the beginning of the movie this is all fixed when The Rock tells Vin that Michelle is still alive and the little Brazilian number tells Vin it’s cool for him to go back to his ex-girlfriend. Which is ridiculous, although it would’ve been even more ridiculous if she was “into” that sort of thing and they just started a polygamist marriage.

So, the movie is all about Michelle Rodriguez falling back in love with Vin Diesel. Since Vin is such a suave man it only takes like two chance encounters to get her back into him. I mean who can’t love this bald, wife beater wearing, street thug with the thousand yard stare and a permanent smile like he’s thinking of a premise for a joke, but can’t come up with the zinger ending.

The Fast and Furious crew including The Rock are ready to put THE WORLD at risk all for Michelle Rodriguez and then later for Jordana Brewster. That’s some girl power, right?

Besides Michelle, the tall chick next to her gets a lot more of a storyline than she did in the last one. In the last one, all she did was get her butt literally touched. In this one, she’s got some feelings and a few lines of dialogue. The Brazilian has a little smaller role than the last movie, although she really didn’t do a whole hell of a lot in that movie either. Gina has a decent sized role and more than anything it’s good to hear her speak whatever lines she has in her own fucking voice as opposed to Haywire. And Jordana Brewster kind of does what Jordana Brewster does which is randomly appear and disappear and really just give you an uneasy feeling thinking that she’s Vin’s sister and they look absolutely nothing alike.

The bad stuff in the movie?

Well, it’s a Fast and Furious movie, so don’t expect a whole hell of a lot of good dialogue or well-acted scenes. The worst actor in the movie is probably Vin Diesel and yet he has almost all the emotional scenes in the movie. There’s a lot of nonsense in the movie trying to tie all the movies together which one could have expected from the opening credits which summarizes the franchise for you.

So, you’ve got the worst actor doing the most acting. And you’ve got a bad guy who is cool and seemingly terrifying, but you know nothing about him.

Owen Shaw is quite formidable, but who the fuck is he? And why is he doing any of this? I’m hard pressed to understand why Vin is doing most of what he is doing and we’ve seen a litany of movies trying to make that make sense. Where as Owen Shaw simply appears with the idea he’s doing this all for money, but is that it? He got into this?! Just for money? I guess that’s enough, but it seems quaint.

The big WTF moment for me – besides the final action scene having the longest airplane runway in the history of all never ending airplane runways – was when Owen Shaw is driving the tank and starts aiming for civilian cars and just crushing them with the people in them. I mean there is no gore or anything, which reminded me that much more of the A-Team. Owen starts frivolously killing people out of nowhere and it’s a bit disconcerting. It completely goes against his character of a money hungry perfectionist who ALL OF A SUDDEN goes thrill killing behind the wheel of a tank. Honestly, I probably would do the same – I mean how many chances do you get to start running people over with a tank of a freeway?

As for that long runway that could’ve stretched from Maine to Virginia, I think there needs to be a memorial for the laser focused pilots of that airplane. We never knew their names and even their ethnicity is questionable – What language were they speaking? I couldn’t tell over the music and cars exploding. Was it Spanish? Was it Russian? Were they Russian? Why were they Russian? I have no idea. But regardless of all the ruckus going on from cars shooting grappling hooks into the wings of the plane or people fighting to the death only feet behind them – they were going to take off. They were taking that plane off the ground with 5 cars dangling behind them or not. Got to be inspired by that commitment to the job. In the end, they can’t take off because someone gets the smart idea of throwing a human being through the jet engine and the entire plane explodes like the Hindenburg… too soon?

And one of the least logical scenes in the movie is when there is a decision to be made with either imprisoning Owen Shaw or releasing him to save Jordana Brewster’s life. The head British military guy says that he can’t risk millions of lives for that of one person. Then The Rock – who is totally homo for Vin Diesel – puts a gun to that guy’s head. This Brit guy completely changes his story 100% and says they should let Shaw go. So, instead of swapping millions of lives for one woman’s life, now we’re swapping millions of lives for one woman and one dude. Amazing.

I think Justin Lin really figured out the formula of how much action, how much nonsensical stuff, how much dialogue, and how much story is necessary for a fanbase of people who need near constant stimulus and cannot sit through too much Vin Diesel talking before Vin Diesel needs to drive a car really fast. I would say Fast 5 is better than Fast 6, but Fast 6 is a nice follow-up to a movie – Fast 5 – which has no business being as well-received as it was.

As for Jason Statham and the 7th and 8th movies…

It could be great. I think Statham is a PERFECT villain for these movies. He’s become a bad actor too, so that works. He is physically a threat to Vin Diesel as well as a threat as a car driver. We’ve seen him in the Transporter movies and have accepted him as a crazy ass driver.

My big problem is that I don’t like the new director James Wan. Is it racist that they swapped one Asian for another? I don’t know, but Lin’s track record is much better than Wan’s.

AND!

What the fuck was with Statham’s line about “you’ll get to know me” or whatever to Vin Diesel. Earlier in the movie Vin Diesel says to Owen Shaw “don’t you know not to threaten another man’s family”… WELL Owen Shaw is the brother of Ian Shaw who is Statham, so why doesn’t Statham say something like “don’t you know not to threaten another man’s family”?! It would’ve been perfect.

Anyway… I’m sure this is a million times better than anything I could say… http://www.earwolf.com/episode/fast-furious-6/

Good Friday, Jesuses and Mary Magdalenas…

First and foremost, I hope you have an amazing Memorial Day Weekend.

Honestly, you could spend the whole fucking weekend sleeping or sleeping around or whatever, as long as you enjoy it. ENJOY IT. You don’t need to eat 35 hot dogs and drink a keg Schlitz – although, if that’s what you want to do then do it. DRINK A KEG OF SCHLITZ!

Anyway, I hope you have a fun weekend. And that’s not even just for Americans. This is what I’m saying, since America is the Overlord – when we have a 3 day weekend then you should have one too. Either way, have a great weekend.

Second…

PODCASTS!

I know you’ve heard of them. I know you’re wondering why on Earth they’re called “podcasts” and I’m hear to tell you… I’ve got no fucking clue why they’re called podcasts.

Internet radio has been around since the 90’s when we used to type in stream names into a WinAmp pop-up window. But, instead of listening to these things live – the internet flipped the script and thought it was better for you to download and listen to these internet radio hours or half hours or 4 hours whenever you felt like at your leisure and thus PODCASTS were born or renamed or whatever.

There are plenty of podcasts out there from informative to absolute nonsense, but if you want something funny – you know comedy, right? – then there’s one place to go.

EARWOLF!!!

I’ve been an off and on ardent supporter of one podcast – COMEDY BANG BANG.

It’s one of the most popular podcasts and it used to be called Comedy Death Ray and blah blah blah. It’s a great show. It’s hosted by a guy and he has other people on who you may have heard of and there other other people on who play characters and then they all improv and joke around and laugh. It’s fun time. There are over 200 episodes, it’s been on for 4 years, and it has weekly episodes on Monday.

BUTT…

We’re here to talk about a different podcast a sister podcast or of some relation, maybe kissing cousin… I’m talking about…

HOW DID THIS GET MADE?

Click on those huge letters and it will take you to this… http://www.earwolf.com/show/how-did-this-get-made/ … or just click that.

The show is about watching a terrible movie and then discussing how fucking ridiculous it was.

The show’s trio is Paul Scheer, June Diane Raphael, and Jason Mantzoukas.

Paul you may know from ‘Human Giant’ or ‘The League’.

June you may know from ‘Burning Love’ specifically from being the bachelorette in season 2.

Jason you may know from ‘The League’ or he was on one episode of ‘Modern Family’ as a creepy guy who was going after Haley and Haley was pretending to be into him to piss off her parents.

They also will have a guest on the show who will be another comedian like Doug Benson or Patton Oswalt or Jessica St. Clair (who is hilarious on Comedy Bang Bang) or someone else.

They’ve had like 40 episodes or so and it’s on every other week. You can either check out their stuff on the website as mentioned or on Itunes and search in the store for How Did This Get Made? because that’s how you fucking use Itunes. It’s been around for years. You should know how to use it.

Back on topic, SPECIFICALLY, I think you will enjoy their episodes covering Breaking Dawn part I and part II. They’re hilarious. Whether you’ve seen the movies or not. And I haven’t and probably never will.

Probably the funniest part was during their Breaking Dawn part II podcast when they discussed the scene where Jacob tells Bella’s dad about being a werewolf. Not so much tells him, but shows him. And how the scene is more or less Bella’s dad being confronted by Jacob – a boy his daughter’s age who he has known for years – and is told he has no idea what is going on in this world and then Jacob just starts stripping his clothes off. I was dying laughing. He then turns into a werewolf after he takes his pants for no reason whatsoever.

My favorite podcast of theirs I’ve listened to so far was the one on the video game adaptation  “Street Fighter”. It is nonsensical how funny that podcast is. One of the funniest things by far is June asking every once in awhile, ‘But what is a ‘street fighter’?’ and Jason just fucking losing it laughing. That episode should be bronzed and sold to the Smithsonian. Not donated, but sold.

So, that show will bring you joy like you’ve only read about in books and I hope you take that with you for the rest of your life and especially into this weekend.

Go see ‘Fast & Furious 6’ to support both The Rock and Gina Carano’s acting careers. Listen to the podcast about ‘Fast 5’ with Adam Scott. And get wet, I guess.

I love you.

Have a great weekend.

Good afternoon, nipples! Everyone’s got ’em!

This weekend the sixth movie in the The Fast and the Furious franchise is opening. Are you excited?

Generally speaking, this car porn disguised heist film series has had much success in total even if the even numbered sequels have bee big misses in comparison to the to odd numbered ones. But the series’ last movie, #5, was a resounding success that has not only warranted this 6th venture, but supposedly an already set 7th and 8th. So, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are not going ANYWHERE! Walker’s been riding this gravy train since the beginning and Diesel figured out what side of his bread is buttered – if you know what I mean with that bread/butter analogy.

ANYWHOZZLE!

The 6th is opening this weekend and I firmly believe you do not have to see any of the previous F&F movies to get yourself ready to see any of the other F&F movies. If you feel like watching the 3rd, you don’t need to see 1 or 2. If you feel like watching the 5th then you don’t need to see 1-4. The enjoyment of the movies is not based on the plot or the storyline or the characters even. It’s based on shit exploding, cars doing very fast car things, cars doing things you wouldn’t normally think of a car doing, and there’s usually a pretty girl in a bikini or a muscly shirtless dude every 10 minutes at the very least. Basically, if you can sit through a commercial for any of the F&F movies and think, “OK, I’d watch that” then you can sit through the entire movie because it is basically a feature length musical montage with a tiny bit more dialogue than there is in any given commercial.

BUT… BUTT… BUT!!!!!!!

I don’t want to make it sound like there isn’t a plot or storyline or anything. THERE IS A TON OF PLOT. I mean a literal fuck ton of plot. Probably too much plot. There’s a nonsensical amount of plot with twists and turns and reveals and so forth, especially for a movie that by and large is an elaborate car commercial for 18-24 year olds or whenever you logically grow out of that phase where you don’t want a spoiler on your car or shiny hubcaps or a car with twin mufflers that cost more than the car itself.

So, let’s take a look back at the unbelievable – meant in the classic sense that they are not believable – plots of the F&F movies.

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS (2001)

Los Angeles street racer Dominic Toretto falls under the suspicion of the LAPD as a string of high-speed electronics truck robberies rocks the area. Brian O’Connor, an officer of the LAPD, joins the ranks of Toretto’s highly skilled racing crew undercover to convict Toretto. However, O’Connor finds himself both enamored with this new world and in love with Toretto’s sister, Mia. As a rival racing crew gains strength, O’Connor must decide where his loyalties really lie.

This is where it all started in an idealistic pre-9/11 America.

The movie is more or less a ripoff of Point Break where a young/reckless and, of course, handsome cop goes undercover in Los Angeles to break up a local criminal enterprise. Once inside the group, he falls in love with a chick from within the group and bromances the shit out of the charismatic leader. Paul Walker is that cop (Keanu), Jordana Brewster is the chick (Lori Petty), and the alpha male with attitude is Vin Diesel (SWAYZE!). Instead of robbing banks, it has to do with stolen cars and some such. BUT! The makers of F&F were not comfortable with that being the ENTIRE plot – NO! In fact, there is an entire second plot to the movie that has to do with Asians. Lots of ’em. Asians who are constantly butting heads with Vin Diesel, so much so that Paul Walker is like, “I’ve got to help Vin Diesel because these Asians are so annoying!” That’s that movie.

I would say my big critique of this original movie is that there really isn’t a ton of car racing in the movie. There’s more talking about racing or racing past than there is actual racing. The movie is about stealing cars, it’s about Paul Walker growing a vagina and falling in love with Jordana Brewster, and it’s about ASIANS. Honestly, Paul Walker is highly unprofessional in this movie and would be fired immediately from my police force. Seriously, you go into the field undercover for like a lunch break and you fall in love with the guy you’re tracking’s sister. Super amateur, Walker. Super amateur.

Also, Vin Diesel might as well be an immortal and/or at the very least be acknowledged for having super powers. Why would someone who steals cars and races cars need to be the strongest, most powerful street fighter in the world – no one will ever know. Why does a shape-shifting high schooler who becomes a wolf become incredible at basketball? What game is Stiles having the people in the whip cream and handcuffs play at that high school keg party? We’ll never fucking know!

2 FAST 2 FURIOUS (2003)

Brian O’Conner has left LA due to his illegal actions from the first movie and now soars the streets of Miami making money here and there by street racing. Watched by Customs Agent Monica Fuentes, Brian is caught by the police and is given a deal by Agent Markham and Bilkins to go undercover and try to bring down drug lord Carter Verone in exchange for his criminal record to be erased. Brian agrees but only if he is given permission to choose his partner. Brian heads home to Barstow, California where he recruits an old friend Roman Pearce to help him. Pearce agrees but only for the same deal Brian was offered. With the help of Monica, Brian and Rome work together to take down Verone.

You may have noticed a complete lack of Vin Diesel – well, Diesel in real life thought he was too big for these movies and decided to become a big Hollywood actor instead. So, we get two black people for the price of one and are introduced to Ludacris and Tyrese.

Basically, the Miami PD is lawless AND can give anyone an immunity deal for just about anything. It’s really good to know. If you’re too illegal for LA then you’re just legal enough for Miami. FUCK YEAH! That should’ve been the catchphrase for this fucking movie, woooo!!! Anyway, the movie follows easily the least likable character in the first movie – Paul Walker – to Miami to do what he did in the first movie, but this time with Tyrese as his +1. The bad guy in the movie is not pictured on the poster, which kind of shows how little thought they put into the bad guy character – he is played by Cole Hauser if you want to keep track.

More or less, this movie is bad remake of the first one. It’s got a happier-go-luckier tone with Tyrese being a jokey sidekick as well as Ludacris. There’s a lot of bickering in this movie and there’s a severe lack of badassness without Vin Diesel throwing haymakers every 15 minutes. The addition of Eva Mendes is nice, but is really non-essential and there to put a sexy, sympathetic face of the police. It’s also a way to shoe horn in a female character considering they don’t have Michelle Rodriguez or Jordana Brewster in this movie either. They add Devon Aoki for no reason at all except for her in a bikini I think at one point and her being on the poster is more confusing than anything.

The end is pretty much what a commercial for matchbox cars looks like. Definitely a skippable movie.

THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DRIFT (2006)

Sean Boswell, who has always been an outsider. A loner at school, his only connection to the indifferent world around him is through illegal street racing — which has made him particularly unpopular with the local authorities. To avoid jail time, Sean is sent out of the country to live with his Farther in the military, in a cramped apartment in a low-rent section of Tokyo. In the land that gave birth to the majority of modified racers on the road, the simple street race has been replaced by the ultimate pedal-to-the-metal, gravity-defying automotive challenge … drift racing, a deadly combination of brutal speed on heart stopping courses of hairpin turns and switchbacks. For his first unsuccessful foray in drift racing, Sean unknowingly takes on D.K., the “Drift King,” with ties to the Yakuza, the Japanese crime machine. The only way he can pay off the debt of his loss is to venture into the deadly realm of the Tokyo underworld, where the stakes are life and death.

Let’s just say, Paul Walker wasn’t cutting it. This third movie is a disguised reboot of the series with none of the original characters and set in Japan with an entirely new idea to what this movie franchise should be about. This movie may seem like a complete shock to the system and ultimately random to everything else before it – it is actually about RACING CARS. It’s not about heists or undercover cops. It’s actually about racing your car against another car. I’d guess that’s what most people would have thought all these movies were about and yet this is the only one that is actually about that. There are instances in the other movies of car racing, but they’re not integral to the story and what they really add is actually a deterrent to what the eventual real story is about. Anyway…

The quarterback from “Friday Night Lights” the movie takes his Southern accent to Japan to outrun the law seemingly because there’s no extradition treaty between local Alabama police and the Land of the Rising Sun. It’s a classic fish out of water story! From there, the QB gets involved in the exact same activity that got him sent to Japan. But it’s not just street racing… it’s DRIFTING, which is very easy to make fun of. I won’t lie it is pretty watching those cars slide sideways for whatever reason.

As far as storylines go, this one is fairly succinct with the idea that he ends up offending the wrong people in the illegal drifting circuit and has to drift race them to win his freedom. The movie makes little to no sense outside of that. There’s plenty of people who die in these races and there’s a lot of leeway about how powerful the Yakuza is in stopping the police from carrying out their job as police and arresting people who are causing vehicular homicides and property destruction all over the capital city of Japan.

The movie ends in a terrible and hilarious drift race down a mountain that is supposed to kill just about everyone who makes the drive down it. It really begs the question as to why the road of this mountain was ever created to begin with and why would the people at the top or the bottom attempt to get to the other ever.

Regardless, they do race and a huge mob of youngsters with camera phones all linked to a temporary wifi network record the race on their phones and are live streaming for everyone else to see. While a phone does not both simultaneously record, stream, and watch another stream – there’s plenty more to pick at besides all of that. One thing that is remarkably ridiculous is that all these people willing choose to stand along the race route to record/stream this for other people to see the action… a race route that is known to have a 100% kill function. WHY WOULD YOU STAND ANYWHERE NEAR WHERE THE CARS ARE GOING? Everyone knows that they’re all going to flip or go out of control at some point.

Either way, only one character from this film series appears in the rest and he’s not one of the mains.

I completely forgot to mention that Bow Wow is in this movie. BOW WOW!

FAST & FURIOUS (2009)

When Dominic Toretto is informed that his beloved Letty was assassinated, he returns to Los Angeles to find the murderer. Meanwhile, his former friend and FBI agent Brian Conner is assigned to capture the mysterious drug lord Braga that is looking for replacement drivers, working undercover as his courier, driving from Mexico to USA through the desert. Dom discovers that Letty was working as a courier for Braga when she was killed and he decides to join his gang to find the killer. Their lives entwine substantiating their friendship and Brian dates Mia Toretto again. But they need to find the true identity of Braga.

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… and Brian dates Mia Toretto again! HAHAHAHAH!

That dude is so unprofessional. Jeez, Walker keep your tween girl drama in your pants for ONE MINUTE. Like the description says, Walker and Diesel are back and so are Brewster and Rodriguez (at least for a little bit). One would think that Walker’s very particular set of skills of driving cars and acting like a guy who drives cars wouldn’t get him many high profile jobs  – YOU’D BE DEAD WRONG. He’s gainfully employed once again now with the FBI and this time Vin Diesel is also going undercover pretending to be something he’s not. There’s a lot of bickering between Vin and Paul about that. Oh, so now you’re undercover! I guess it’s ok to be undercover when you’re undercover! There’s a lot of that.

There’s also just a lot of Paul Walker and Vin Diesel. The movie is so much about the two of them and their actions that it’s really suffocating. It’s like enough and get gay or whatever, but introduce a character that does something instead of just talk to you two dolts.

The movie is full of twists and turns and reveals. In the end, Vin Diesel pulls an “I’m too old for this shit” and is arrested by the cops. Of course, this leads to an epilogue where Walker quits the FBI and gets Diesel’s crew together to bust Diesel out of jail. Thus setting up the 5th movie…

FAST &FURIOUS 5 (2011)

Former cop Brian O’Conner partners with ex-con Dom Toretto on the opposite side of the law. Since Brian and Mia Toretto broke Dom out of custody, they’ve blown across many borders to elude authorities. Now backed into a corner in Rio de Janeiro, they must pull one last job in order to gain their freedom. As they assemble their elite team of top racers, the unlikely allies know their only shot of getting out for good means confronting the corrupt businessman who wants them dead. But he’s not the only one on their tail. Hard-nosed federal agent Luke Hobbs never misses his target. When he is assigned to track down Dom and Brian, he and his strike team launch an all-out assault to capture them. But as his men tear through Brazil, Hobbs learns he can’t separate the good guys from the bad. Now, he must rely on his instincts to corner his prey… before someone else runs them down first.

As mentioned, the 2nd and the 4th are easily the worst of the movies. So much so, that the franchise had to be rebooted after the one and had to add The Rock to save it in the other’s case.

The 5th movie is easily the best of the series in that it’s got by far the best action scenes. Aside from that, the storyline makes no sense and almost everything that happens in the movie is pretty worthless because the end is just a big cluster fuck.

As the summary stolen from IMDB suggests – there’s a lot happening, but you can boil it down to that Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are in Brazil and decide to rob the Brazilian police who for whatever reason have like a billion dollars in cash in a safe in their police station. The Rock is sent from the good ole’ U.S. of A. as an asskicking extradition treaty to recover Vin and Paul, but he too falls for the dastardly duo. The Rock does catch Vin and Paul and their crew of miscellaneous cast members from the previous movies and he’s about to escort them back to America when the bad Brazilians decide to attack The Rock instead of letting him go. This results in The Rock’s coppers dying and Vin and Paul saving The Rock’s life. Which The Rock in turn helps them steal all of the Brazilians’ money.

Also, The Rock is kind of convinced to help them because the one local law enforcement officer whose name should be either THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD or WAY TOO GOOD LOOKING TO BE PUT IN A JOB WHERE ONE RISKS THEIR LIFE played by Elsa Pataky who falls in love with Vin Diesel in a heterosexual way.

So, Paul and Vin come up with these different ways to steal the money and all of it is for naught because none of them work. Thankfully, the shit with The Rock happens because The Rock will just help them bulldoze into the police station and steal the money by force. This results in one of the more outrageous action scenes ever constructed as Paul Walker and Vin Diesel drive two cars that are connected to the bank vault by a steal cable. They are driving around crazily with a huge multi ton back vault spinning around behind them seemingly destroying everything in Brazil including human beings. They had to have killed hundreds of people with the spinning back vault just skipping around behind their cars.

In the end, Vin and Paul pull a fast one on the Rock and get away with the REAL vault and dump a dubious vault in The Rock’s hands. Vin and Paul get all the money because they can crack the vault with the hand print of the bad guy which they got when he grabbed one of their crew member’s butt. One of their crew members is a leggy model. She actually is way more helpful than the rest of them. She also knows about guns.

Anyway, Vin ends up with Elsa and his share of money while Paul is still bone-zoning Vin’s sister Jordana with his money. And the leggy model is fucking while driving the Asian guy, which could turn into a sequel of David Cronenberg’s “Crash”. While, Tyrese and Ludacris and blah blah blah… you get it. Happily every after – exactly like the end of all the “Ocean’s 11” movies. It’s actually very similar to “Ocean’s 12” but better because Elsa is hot and Vin fights The Rock.

Finally… what’s coming out this weekend…

FAST & FURIOUS 6 (2013)

Since Dom (Diesel) and Brian’s (Walker) Rio heist toppled a kingpin’s empire and left their crew with $100 million, our heroes have scattered across the globe. But their inability to return home and living forever on the lam have left their lives incomplete. Meanwhile, Hobbs (Johnson) has been tracking an organization of lethally skilled mercenary drivers across 12 countries, whose mastermind (Evans) is aided by a ruthless second-in-command revealed to be the love Dom thought was dead, Letty (Rodriguez). The only way to stop the criminal outfit is to outmatch them at street level, so Hobbs asks Dom to assemble his elite team in London. Payment? Full pardons for all of them so they can return home and make their families whole again.

So, the storyline for 4 is null and void mostly because Michelle Rodriguez is alive.

Besides that, “the only way to stop the criminal outfit is to outmatch them at street level”? That’s absolutely not the “only way” to stop them. That’s maybe the worst way to stop them. Sounds like the most risky and dangerous way. It’s even more risky and dangerous that you’re employing known international criminals to do the justice giving as well. And, you’re planning on giving them full pardons. FULL PARDONS for people who have received full pardons only years prior and have went IMMEDIATELY back to their criminal past-time. There’s no point in any of these stories where Vin Diesel has ever held a legal job. He’s constantly a criminal, so why would you EVER trust him to do anything legal? Frankly, it’s disconcerting that The Rock still has a job considering he helped a known criminal organization, that he was infact tracking, steal $100 million and they got away with it while destroying tons of public property, killed many innocent bystanders, and in the end killed dozens upon dozens of Brazilian policemen.

Either way, I’m looking forward to this movie. I’m not looking forward to the amount of CGI is supposedly in the movie. There’s supposed to be a couple scenes where they are actually CGI-ing in The Rock and Vin Diesel doing extraordinary stunts that could not physically pull off, so they needed to make it up on a computer. That doesn’t sound good for anyone.

The big seller is of course GINA CARANO who plays The Rock’s right hand woman. As the trailers have shown, Gina and Michelle have some fist fights that are supposed to be some of the best stuff in the movie. I am a total Gina Carano fanboy and could not be more excited to see her in this or anything.

I hope you feel you’re caught up to speed or more confused than ever.

If I were to suggest to you to see any of the movies, I’d suggest the 5th hands down. As mentioned, stay away from 2 and 4 because they suck and have little redeeming qualities. If you want to see actual car racing scenes then see the third. And the first is a fun bad movie to watch.

In general, these are all bad movies, but the 5th has a lot of great action scenes and the 1st is like a lot of teen TV drama which is fun to laugh at.

 

Whale halo, laydees end jenks…

Have you heard of BAS-KET-BALL?!

Whether you know or not, we’re nipple deep into the National Basketball Association’s playoffs. Right now, we’re at the second to last stage of this championship tournament, which are the finals of the Western and Eastern conferences, respectively.

In the WEST are the Memphis Grizzlies vs. the San Antonio Spurs – the Spurs are up 2 game to none. The Grizzlies were playing tremendously, but they’re getting kind of handled by the Spurs who are seemingly immortal.

In the EAST are the Miami Heat vs. the Indiana Pacers – their 7 game series starts tonight. Odd I know that one series has played 2 games before the other series has played 1, but that’s the NBA for you.

So, the NBA used to be the biggest back in the early to mid 90’s, which was the Jordan (not me, but Michael Jordan – I can understand your confusion) era. The NBA eventually lost traction after that crew retired and was turned over to Kobe Bryant, Allen Iverson, Tracy McGrady, and a mess of players that have been uniformly called selfish. During that period of time, the New York Knicks were absolutely revolting to watch or even think about. But long story short, the NBA is in an uptick as far as popularity with Lebron James, Kevin Durant, Carmelo coming to the Knicks, and people just coming to their senses.

Apart of this popularity means celebrities in the crowd and celebrities in the crowd means people (Sports Illustrated dot com – http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/nba/photos/1304/nba-playoff-celebrity-fans/ ) taking awkward pictures of them and awkward pictures of celebrities means funny jokes from me… you’re welcome!

Awwww – they color coordinated for the game!

I used to like Jason Sudeikis, but I’ve got severe mixed feelings about him now. He can be funny. At the same time, he’s also the voice of the Outback Steakhouse ads, so when I hear his voice I think of Outback and Outback makes me think of bloomin’ onion style messy diarrhea, which means I’ve been having some Pavlovian dump sweats when I hear Jason Sudeikis’ voice recently.

On the other hand, why am I talking about that when there’s Olivia Wilde’s boobs in this picture? I don’t know. Olivia Wilde is a mystery. She’s very beautiful and I feel like she has a really good acting movie in her. There’s also this thing where sometimes she looks like she weighs 80 pounds soaking wet and other times it looks like she’s got a nice pair of boobs. So, there’s that. And her last name is Cockburn, not Wilde, and that’s amazing.

You know, I would’ve guessed that Sting didn’t know how to clap his hands properly.

Is Jason Bateman remaking Teen Wolf 2?

Is that Felicity Huffman in the foreground and Edie Falco in the background?

Will Arnett is gangster.

Black on black on black on black on black forever. Also, are him and Bateman having a tiff? Why are they not sitting together?

Meh. No one cares.

Look at that chick wanting a fucking hole through your soul.

Blue Man Group aside, I really hope that chick is not a plant and this is just how she reacts when she sees someone taking a picture with or with not three bald and blue guys next to her. She looks to made-up to be real.

Edie Falco busting some major ass.

I do like that Willy is representing the Philly 76ers even though he is in Miami and rooting for Lebron.

Meanwhile, I’ve got no clue what the Hell is going on with his son’s shirt. Is his shirt from The Matrix? Is his shirt THE Matrix? It’s weird regardless. Also, you’re supposed to wear the colors of the team to these games and so far a lot of these celebs including Jaden are not doing that right. Miami is white, you’re in the complete opposite of that.

Ugh.

What’s more concerning in this picture – the guy hardcore thugging it behind Margaritaville or the hippie texting? Meh, I don’t know.

Did you know that Harrison Ford has an earring because of Jimmy Buffet? Doesn’t that make you hate Harrison Ford?

SI.com is telling me these two are from Kings of Leon and I would have absolutely no idea who they are if they didn’t do that. I would legitimately think that a picture of two dudes ended up in this gallery accidentally. I could have walked passed these two a million times and never think anything… well, I would think the dude with the beard looks like a roommate I had once in college, but that’s about it. Wouldn’t have thought these two were part of the brains behind YOU’RE SEX IS ON FIIIIIIRRRREEEE!!!!

Rick Ross is so gentle. Rick is also holding Udonis’ hand like he’s a blind.

And that kid looks like he is freaking out.

YES!

Floyd Mayweather is so rich and polarizing that all he hangs out with are white collar Jews he has on his payroll.

John McEnroe is having an acid flashback.

Josh Groban? Wouldn’t have noticed him if the website didn’t mention him. Whatever him and his boyfriend next to him are looking at on the jumbo screen appears to be very enjoyable judging by their faces.

What the fuck is going on here?

That’s what I’m thinking and that’s what Andrew Garfield is thinking. Not only is he thoroughly confused watching his first game of basketball, but he’s wondering why a guy that has been in a wildly successful movie and is apparently dating the lovely Emma Stone is still a loser enough to be going to a mandatory movie studio forced public appearance by himself. The girl next to him looks thoroughly unamused that she’s sitting next to this 15 year old man boy. And, the guy next to Andrew has burped the alphabet 4x since the start of the game.

Is Emmy Rossum a mannequin when she’s not showing her boobs on “Shameless”?

It looks like she’s trying to stay as still as possible as if she is worried the New Yorkers around her will smell her fear and pounce like grizzly bears. Also, I think that kid is about grab Emmy’s wrist to check if she has a pulse. He’s a smart kid.

I’m not for or against Rihanna going to Brooklyn Nets games completely naked except for those ridiculous shoes. Doesn’t she look like she’s naked?

Also, isn’t she fucking J.R. Smith from the Knicks? Why is she at a Nets game? Oh, Rihanna.

I think Jason “Outback” or “Steakhouse” Sudeikis is wearing the same outfit except for a different pair of shoes. Actually, upon closer inspection I believe that is a nearly identical hat, but a little darker. What’s going on in Sudeikis’ closet?

Is Olivia in the white shirt next to Sudeikis? If that’s the case, what the eff is this photographer doing not getting her into the picture?

As for Zach… Zatch… I love him.

That is all.

Whoopi looks like Tracy Morgan playing Whoopi.

Or Kenan Thompson.

Also, that’s Christine Taylor next to Whoop.

Katie Couric has got some legs on her.

Remember when we saw her butthole or I mean inside her butthole?

That would be amazing if that’s what they were showing on the jumbo screen at that very moment.

Also, Katie is 56… 4 more years!

Of course, Rainn Wilson would root for the Clippers.

I’m not surprised. If there was anything “indie” in Los Angeles it would have to be the Clippers.

Seriously… DOCTOR HUGO STRANGE.

NAILED IT!

What a genuinely boyish and good looking male.

I feel like the guy next to him has no clue what the score is as he’s contemplating how gay he can allow his brain to get thinking about Zac before he has to make some new life choices or possibly leave the arena.

It’s like this guy is shrugging as to say, “I don’t know who the fuck I am, either.”

Is this guy legitimately famous? Even reading his name didn’t help.

Yerp.

Double yerp.

Flea reminds me of Robin Williams. Am I the only one on that?

Also, him and Kieds don’t sit together?

He’s probably going through dementia as this point.

A mix of his age and all the drugs he’s kept himself on for the past 40-50 years, his brain has got to be mush. Like overcooked Bazmati rice.

This guy.

This guy who a very large percentage of the 18-40 population would leave their significant other for in a heart beat. I’m talking gay men and straight women. This is that guy.

Kind of disturbing.

I also watched his movie “Premium Rush” the other day because I hate myself and it was fucking awful as one would expect. On top of that, they have Jamie Chung playing an off the boat Chinese girl with an absurd broken English accent. They should’ve got Jessica Biel and taped her eyes slanty and had her mispronounce all L’s as R’s and it would’ve been less offensive. Maybe even throw a bow or two after each sentence.

Little known fact about Ryan Seacrest – he wakes up every morning and grades his looks on a scale from Pat Sajak to Zac Efron.

I think we’re all being violated by Jake Gyllenhaal.

It’s a mix of him wearing a black hat, his dark but prominent stare, his grungy looking clothing, and that he has both hands tucked away in his crotch.

Diddy is also so rich he only hangs out with Jews.

Everything about this picture is a bad look for Kevin Kline.

Everything.

One of the most popular stand-up comedians meeting the most brilliant comedic actor of his generation.

Can you believe how lucky we were at one time to have had Will Smith playing the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and Jaleel White playing Steve Urkel AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME?

I think Jesse Eisenberg just caught a glimpse of the unseemly pack of weirdo aliens surrounding him and how he is in danger of them trying to impregnate him with one of their species’ babies.

Am I the only one thinking the guy next to him is pure evil, the guy in front of him is also a villain, and the things behind Jesse is not from this planet?

Who the Hell do you think is that old white man sitting between Justin Tuck and Michael Strahan?

Also, for some reason, I feel like they’re at a taping of Dr. Phil and not a basketball game.

I want that sweater.

Like now!

Was Michael J. Fox’s wife at all involved in the baby making process of this son?

He looks IDENTICAL to his dad. Honestly, I don’t even think it is his son and more likely a clone or an understudy who has gone to great lengths to look exactly like MJF.

And, is this the kid they wanted to keep away from Taylor Swift? In your dreams, kid.

New York Yankees designated hitter Billy Crystal, everyone.

Does anyone remember that? That was without a doubt one of the stupidest things I’ve seen in professional sports and specifically professional baseball and I’ve seen a lot of stupid things.

And finally…

Is that Guy Fieri?

Nah, couldn’t be. He has all those tattoos. Or are those tattoos only for the TV show?

Next time you feel like an idiot out in public, think about these pictures. Celebrities look like idiots too when they’re out in public, so you’re in good company.

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