Bullet points in numerics…

1. Happy New Years

Tomorrow is New Years Eve and tomorrow I hope you have a good one. A great one in fact. An excellent one even. I won’t go any further than excellent because you want some room to be able to still improve upon the New Years. No need for pursuit in perfection because with failure and imperfection comes character and an indelible mark of interest and beauty. Perfection is storyless. Also, it ceases your strive. Also, it is impossible, so don’t look for it.

Anyway, you’ll have a great New Years. Whether you have big plans or not, you can have a fun time. There is this mystery elixir called “booze” and it turns situations from unbearable to strip poker in an hour flat. Remember that. You’re never too old to play “spin the bottle” although if you’re too married it is simply called “infidelity” – nevertheless it will be a memorable New Years.

Also, I will not be posting tomorrow, so even though I’ve said it 100x already – HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS! … because there’s no new post tomorrow. Or at the very least I don’t expect there to be one. Instead, you all can look back at the glory of my writing and musings from 2010. There’s some great posts in there like when I talked about Dakota Fanning’s trivia section on IMDB and talked about who ever takes her virginity might as well spill oil all over the pristine Alaskan tundra. And then there is that other post when Dakota Fanning had her birthday and is now legal and I talked about spilling oil all over the pristine Alaskan tundra.

2. 2011

The New Year has at least one new challenge for me – mork. I have a new yob to start Monday. What does this mean? Primarily, this means there will be no post Monday. I’m fairly certain I will be “experiencing” “orientation” to my new yob and that should be violently boring and I’ll probably not be near a computer.

As for Tuesday? Well, I don’t know. Tuesday will be my first real day at this new job and we’ll see how it goes. This might mean big changes to KSWI. Or it could mean no changes to KSWI. We’ll just have to wait and see. This is sudden and I did not prepare any of you all for this, but I think that is a good thing. With me providing absolutely no closure to KSWI, probably means that it will continue onward because I can’t figure a way to sufficiently end it. Plus I do enjoy writing this site. And, I’ll be damned to think that some job will ever rob me of my time to write. And, really what job has ever taken up all of a person’s time?

So, next week may be pretty weak as far as posting goes, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

I’m sure if I have trouble posting – one can always get your fill of Kay-Swidge-Izzle aka me from my twitter account at http://www.twitter.com/jordan_is_ok .

3. Philadelphia

I believe this will only be my second time spending New Years in Philly. The last time I spent New Years in Philly was several years ago – I think 2005. We went to a bar in Manayunk named 105 Social where for I think $80 it was an open bar plus food and champagne at midnight. I drank some beer, but I really drank 14 vodka and Red Bulls. That was the kicker. The rest of the night was marked by me sending a text message to everyone in my phone “You know love you” and me wrestling Dawgz in the street wearing suits instead of him fighting a bouncer. And that’s not a type – I wrote “You know love you”. I was supposed to write “You know I love you”, which is just as odd, but “You know love you” is funnier.

I’m not sure what the plan is for NYE. Probably just getting drunk with friends as it should be. The main reason I’m going to Philly is more for Saturday night and not Friday.

4. UFC 125

I love the cage fighting! I usually watch the UFC with a few friends and they are in Philly. So, 2011 isn’t starting off any different than 2010, 2009 and before have been. The main event for UFC 125 is the Lightweight Championship title fight of Frankie Edgar (c) vs. Gray Maynard. Frankie is from New Jersey and went to High School with Dawgz and a bunch of other guys I know, so of course I’m rooting for Frankie. Nothing against Gray. He’s a great fighter and we shook hands once on a cold night in Columbus, Ohio (not code for gay sex, but could be).

5. Professional Tackle Football Association of America

The NFL’s final week of the season is this week. It has been a wild season as usual and overall I’ve been thoroughly entertained each and every week per usual. Next year, there is the chance of a hold out and no NFL season. This would be devastating to me. Personally, I don’t think it will happen. I think the season will go on like always or close to always. There may be a little hiccup, but I don’t think there will be one week missed of the NFL season. The players might end up in training camp a little later than usual, but that’s about it. I cannot imagine a world where a multi multi-billion dollar industry stops itself from continuing forward because they feel like squabbling over what will amount to pennies to them. There is a lot of bullshit posturing right now between the owners, but I don’t think it will affect next year’s season.

If it does then I will pray for a short and quick apocalypse because life without football is life not worth living.

6. Pittsburgh Steelers

The Black and Gold will be in the post season and I’m thankful for that. Overall, I think this has been a very successful season for the Steelers. They showed they could get over losing a key player in Santonio Holmes. Although, I wouldn’t mind seeing him in the black and gold instead of the Jets’ green and white. But “60 Minutes” Mike Wallace and Emmanuel Sanders have shown a lot of greatness and toughness this year, which I can only attribute to Hines Ward the stalwart and toughest wide receiver in the league. I feel like the more time you spend around certain men, the more tough and manly you must become. Hines Ward is one of those men.

7. Cowboy Bebop

After I finished re-watching Gundam Wing, I began watching Cowboy Bebop. It has been awhile since I sat down and watched this show from beginning to end. Usually, I’ll just watch a few episodes (“Ballad of Fallen Angels” for example) here and there or watch an anime music video for Cowboy Bebop, but I haven’t gone through episode by episode in a while.

The show is absolutely amazing. I love it to bits. I feel bad for people who are not open minded enough to watch anime because when anime is on – not much is better. Cowboy Bebop is one of those things. There is always the rumor of it being turned into a live-action movie, which I couldn’t care any less about. The rumor is always Keanu Reeves playing Spike. I don’t think Reeves would be great as Spike, but who knows. If we could go back in time then I think Vincent Cassell could have been a good Spike.

8. New Year’s Resolution

I never make these.

I think passively in the back of my mind I know what I want to improve on in my life at all times. Being better. Being better in everything. Improving on life. That’s really what it is. Life is a long haul until it isn’t. There is always more time until there is none. There is always a way to be get better and that’s what I hope I’m striving to be. Being better.

It is at times more active than passive and sometimes more passive than active. I do believe in Hegel’s belief that the world is slowly getting better always, so that means even laying around on the couch can be improvement – not great improvement, but maybe I just needed more rest.

9. 2010

It has been a good year.

I have spent an inordinate amount of it trying to make you laugh. Whoever you are – I have spent it writing for you and trying to entertain you pretty much 5 days a week.

If I accomplished that 1/3 of the time then I would be in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

I’m hoping it is more like 90% of the time, but either way it’s been fun.

10. 2011

Yeah, it’s the same as #2.

I hope you have a great New Years.

I hope you had a great 2010.

I hope next year is even better.

And I’ll check in sometime next week.

 

Snowpocalypse 3.0

December 29, 2010

I walked around the town and to the beach yesterday. I took many pictures. Apparently, the roads are much better than they were yesterday and people can get around. Yesterday – not so much. Anyway, here are my pictures.

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Snowpocalypse 2.0

December 28, 2010

There is 4 feet of snow outside and the town I live in is not making an ounce of effort to clean it up. They say they are, but seriously they’re not. One man who runs a construction company did plow the street* with one of his own trucks. I like this idea that and wish I had a snow plow on my car. Vigilante snow plowing. What is more disconcerting is the house I’m in… no heat.

Yep.

No fucking heat.

Not having heat is more code word for “no hot water”, which is code word “I haven’t showered in three days”. Today will be the day though. For better or worse, I will be taking a cold shower or taking a whore’s bath with a wash cloth or boiling multiple pots of water and trekking them to the shower where I will have a prior to the industrial revolution style bath.

I love taking showers. I am longing for the water on my pale white skin. I’m longing for the lather. I’m longing for my entire body not smelling like grease. I’m longing for a long overdue talk with my shower buddy Mr. Quackles the rubber duck and Storm Shadow the GI Joe ninja who watches my back and alerts me to any trouble. You are at your most vulnerable in the shower and yes I employ a miniature ninja to provide my personal security.

Nevertheless, I am longing for water and not frozen snow water.

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Ahhhhh…. remember these.

There has never been a more strategically placed sleeve of a jacket in the history of peeping tom pictures. The first time I saw this picture I thought that someone photoshopped out Kristen Stewart’s ass for one of two reasons:

Modesty – they might be a peeping tom, but they have some decency.

The Want – The ass holds many mystical and unsolved powers in this world and it might be too much to see the wet barely covered bottom of Ms. Stewart. It is a mystery that can be better revealed when we are ready and have matured… oh wait you can see her butt in a couple of the other pictures. That’s just a jacket sleeve. The sleeve must have been animated by the power of her want because Kristen is touching it and then the sleeve just had to get a grope in and grabbed her fanny.

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And then there was this picture. I’m not sure why girls were so in love with this picture. I kept reading “he looks so happy”. Is that what you want? A picture of a dude looking so “happy”? Ask a guy like myself – get a dude a PS3 or an Xbox 360 and buy him Call of Duty: Black Ops and you’ll see a happiness that has only ever been written about in such literary classics like Homeward Bound. I mean when you think you lost your dog like 3000 miles earlier and then your dog shows up a couple weeks later — I’m pretty sure you would happy cry so hard that spinal fluid would be exiting those tear ducts.

Nevertheless, here is Rob jumping into the water. If the Twilight directors actually knew what they were doing – they would make a mockumentary about making a teen vampire movie with Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson and that would be a billion times better. Get Sophia Coppola up in that bitch. You know what I’m saying.

Werewolves? Vampires? High School? Pffffttt… that’s so 2009.

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These pictures are the best. Just a couple heads floating in freezing cold water.

Hey Rob-head, I can’t feel my toes. Or really any of my long sultry legs.

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Ugh, I can’t either, Kristen-head. I can’t feel my Robpenis-head. It has retreated inside me for warmth. Right now, I have a Robvagina with tiny Robballs as the doormat. That’s really disgusting to say or think about. I really hope there isn’t a waterproof camera hidden in my swim trunks because these would be some embarrassing picture. Also, my Rob-head looks enormous. It looks like it is an upgraded model of your Kristen-head. My Rob-head is industrial strength for mindless floating in these waters.

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What? What the fuck are we doing out here? Is this apart of the movie? It is so hard to tell if they are fucking with us or not. There is a different director everyday it seems. Who the hell is the director of this movie? Which movie is it even? Is this the 4th? The 5th? I swear I saw Garrett Hedlund from Tron: Legacy in 3D earlier and I think he is in the other movie I’m making, but maybe we are making that movie right now and you’re making a cameo in On The Road.

Ever since we watched Inception high, I have had no grasp of reality. This is worse than The Matrix. At least in The Matrix there are people shooting guns and guys in suits and people flying and doing kung-fu. Inception craziness can be anything. It could be driving a van in the rain or sitting at a bar with Leonardo DiCaprio. That stuff happens. Maybe I’m dreaming we’re just heads in this water. And there is not flat surface for me to spin my dreidel on to make sure or not.

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I have an idea, Kristen-head, it could be easier to just combine your movies.

Which one?

All of them. Set in the 1950s, you are a down on her luck stripper who is also a guitarist for a struggling girl rock band. You end up traveling cross-country with two beat poets in search of musical inspiration.

Sounds pretty good.

And you end up in the Pacific Northwest battling vampires.

Not so good.

It was worth a shot, Kristen-head.

Well, thank you, Rob-head. You are truly the wind beneath my wings or in this case the freezing cold water suffocating my limp corpse of a body in it.

There is something I feel like we just have to do in this water at this moment before hopefully some rescue boats arrive or the director yells cut.

Sex? I thought you said your Robpenis was inverted.

It is and I meant can we do that other thing. That other thing we do in the hotel pool almost everyday.

Oh right. You start.

Rose!

Jack!

Roooose!

Jaaackkk!

RRROOOOSSEEEE!

JAAAAACCCKKKK

RRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

JJJJJAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!

Snowpocalypse

December 27, 2010

There was some snow that hit the Northeast.

By “some”, I mean at least 3 – 4 feet of it.

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Before anyone says “White Christmas”, it is actually a “White Kwanzaa” or “White Boxing Day” because there was no snow on the 25th.

As for Christmas, it was a good time.

It was a pretty typical Christmas. I’m not sure what Christmas traditions every one else has, but the same thing happen on Christmas every year since I can remember. Really early in the morning on Christmas, some asshole fat man breaks into my house and leaves all these stolen items around our Christmas tree. He is dressed like a pimp all in red with white fur trim, a stocking cap, knee high leather boots. It’s sincerely amazing the police have never caught this guy considering they know exactly what he looks like and exactly when he will strike. He’s also morbidly obese. I’m not sure how he is so sneaky at that weight, but he slips in and out of this house with the greatest of ease. Even crazier is that I’ve moved recently, so he must have been tracking me throughout the year.

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Usually, the day or second day after Christmas, I take all those items that fat pimp left in my house down to the local police precinct. It’s a real hassle to go through all the paper work of cataloging each item and making a flier and stolen report to hopefully find who these items belong to. The cops are not helpful either. They usually laugh and tell me to just keep the items because who would even know about them if I didn’t bring them to the precinct. I then tell them they have no concept of justice and I’m usually thrown out.

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Most of the items were dress clothes that were exactly my size. I won’t lie and say I couldn’t use these dress clothes. I’m not sure how many people out there are exactly my size and need new dress pants, shirts, ties, and belts. Knowing that I could use these items and that I’m not moving anywhere anytime soon because it is the snowpocalypse outside – imagine Waterworld with “snow” instead of “water” and just as religious.

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Outside of that, I saw True Grit.

I loved True Grit. The past two movies I saw in theaters were Black Swan and True Grit and I think both had the two best actresses of the year in them. I would give Natalie Portman the Oscar, but Hailee Steinfeld definitely deserves an Oscar nomination. She was excellent as the hard headed and oddly well educated Mattie Ross. She more than held her own with Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, Barry Pepper and Josh Brolin. I love Westerns and the action, but the dialogue in this movie is just magnificent. If cowboys spoke olde English and were written for by Aaron Sorkin.

One more thought concerning Hailee Steinfeld: to all the 14 or so year old boys out there…

Lock it up.

That’s right. Get on that while you can. This girl is going to be famous and in big movies. This is a big movie and she’ll be in more. There should be a chance she gets nominated for an Oscar.

I’m speaking to all the 14 or so year old boys who have some interaction with Hailee Steinfeld… go for it.

I’m not sure what you are waiting for or what you think you would like later in life, but I’m pretty sure if you have a shot with Hailee Steinfeld now and don’t go for it then you’ll regret it most of your life. The rest of your life will be in a dementia haze and you’ll forget everything including your one shot at happiness in locking down Hailee Steinfeld right now.

Clearly, she is talented. Much more talented than just some Disney kid. She shows great range, an ability to handle complex dialogue and goes toe-to-toe with a few great actors meanwhile being directed by one of the best.

She’s a cute kid too. In the movie, they keep saying she’s ugly, but that’s Hollywood bullshit. It’s like in the Harry Potter movies how everyone keeps saying that Emma Watson is homely. Her? Are you people fucking blind? So to you 14 year old boys, she’s cute now, which means there is a great chance she’ll be great looking in a few years when she’s legal in all 50 states.

So, I’m just saying – you’re fucking up if you don’t try and lock it down with Hailee Steinfeld by giving her a “promise ring” or something for New Years because she’s going to be crazy famous and gone from your pathetic life by Summer.

Lock it up.

There was one question this week and here it is…

Question for Friday: why foes Brett Favre look like he’s crying always?


Well, Brett has deep-set eyes that slope downward on the sides. Brett Favre was also freezing Monday night in a ton of pain playing arguably the most violent sport on the planet during a year that has brought him more criticism than praise on a team that is losing every which way they can in what could be his last season playing the game he loves more than anything else in life.

Maybe Brett Favre was tearing up thinking about how his co-star from There’s Something About Mary Cameron Diaz has completely shit the bed in her acting career.

Maybe Brett Favre was watching Up in the locker room on his iPhone and shit just got real emotional.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about the economy and how severely it has hit the mid-west and it is closing on Christmas time and how many children and their families will need to rely on the kindness of others through charitable donations to have that American Christmas experience.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about the Summers of his youth in Mississippi and the heat of the Sun on his bare neck turning it a darker shade of rose as he throws a football in the backyard with his father, Big Irv.

Maybe Brett Favre was stung by an African bee that are always rumored to take over the US through Mexico at some point and it is just Brett’s luck that one mythical black and yellow plunged its stinger in his forearm.

Maybe Brett Favre was running through his head his own highlight reel of throwing 507 touchdowns in the National Football League and thinking that each and every one of those passes and 6 points were more exhilarating than sex.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about all the sex he has had over the years with his beautiful wife, Deanna Favre.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about when he lost his virginity in a pair of Wranglers in the front seat of a pick-up truck hidden in the corn fields owned by Old Man Guthrie and how nervous he was when Becky Sue loosened his jeans and Brett was more jittery for this than any football game he had ever played in, which made him instinctively hear his father Big Irv’s booming voice in his head coaching him through this sexual journey, but all that came* to a grinding halt when Becky Sue’s creamy smooth and surprisingly experienced hand grabbed hold of Brett’s little Packer and he burst outward and upward all over the inside of the windshield.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about how ten minutes after Becky Sue’s fastest handjob in the world he collected himself and gave that cornfed southern gal a 60 minute performance much like one of his Monday Night Football games.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about how people keep saying he has a nothing special penis even though his hands are ginormous meaning his penis could be big and who cares because no one is saying whether or not Peyton Manning has a small penis.

Maybe Brett Favre was listening to Seal minutes earlier because one of his black gentlemanly teammates had Seal playing on their stereo in the locker room and it can get emotional listening to Seal.

Maybe Brett Favre just sees the beauty in all things and it is so wonderful it makes his heart hurt.

Maybe Brett Favre was asked another question about Jenn Sterger and he started thinking about how amazing it would have been to have had sex with her or to have at least gotten the video of her masturbating that he seemingly asked for.

Maybe Brett Favre could smell the beer in the stadium and thought back about how fun it was to be drunk and young.

Maybe Brett Favre was tearing up because he’s old and old men tend to do that out of nowhere and it is awkward.

Maybe Brett Favre was talking to Devin Hester on the Chicago Bears and they were laughing so hard they were crying about that post on KSWI about when Devin Hester was pantsed last season playing the Eagles and his black ass was all over America’s living rooms.

Maybe Brett Favre and Devin Hester were both sad that the commenters on KSWI are so mean to its delightful writer and wished they had the time and courage to comment and give that writer encouragement, but they are afraid of the wrath of these commenters because they have declared that comments section theirs and you do not mess with a woman or a pack of them when they have their claws in something.

Maybe Brett Favre was so cold his testicles had retreated inside his body and he was worried they would never come out.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about the 71,000+ yards he has thrown for in the NFL and how he would Christmas wish more than anything to be able to do that again.

Maybe Brett Favre knows that his time in the NFL is over and that the cynicism of the present is making him feel emo because people should give him one of the greatest sendoffs in the history of sports, but he’ll need to wait until people sober up and realize it instead of focusing on a couple stupid things he did at the end of his career and not the scope of his career, which has been one of the most spectacular joyful things to watch ever.

Maybe Brett Favre stubbed his toe. It happens.

Maybe Brett Favre saw the portly Matt Millen smiling and his girth plus his jolliness made Brett think of Santa Claus and either how much he misses having that innocence to believe in Santa Claus or how perfect Matt Millen would be as Santa Claus and how many people he could bring a holiday cheer to dressed as Santa.

Maybe Brett Favre has seasonal depression like many in America and he is too conservative to go to a psychiatrist and get a prescription for a happy pill for this dark, cold and gloomy months.

Maybe Brett Favre has the ability to read minds and people were saying a lot of awful weird shit to themselves in their brains about him and he doesn’t tell anyone about this power in fear that people will try to exploit it for their own personal gains.

Maybe Brett Favre was thinking about puppies – that sometimes leads to tears.

Maybe Brett Favre did not look like he was crying and the network’s graphics guy did some CGI to make it look like Brett Favre was crying because he is an asshole.

Maybe Brett Favre just loves football, Christmas, holidays, people, being out on the field, the cutting pain of breathing frozen air, the butterflies in his stomach making him feel young again, the numbness in his aching muscles from the arctic temperature, the adrenaline in his fingertips, the feeling of a new leather football in his hands, the motion of throwing that ball after over a week of not throwing one, seeing 50,000 young Minnesotans screaming their heads off sitting in snow, being on TV, having 10 guys look to him for leadership in the huddle, fresh peanut butter cookies which he planned on eating as a treat after the game, the high he gets from a pain killer shot before the game, the smell of lavender wafting off his injured running back Adrian Peterson, winning and touchdowns – and maybe all that together made him tear up for a moment.

Or maybe he wasn’t crying and like I said he is old and it was cold and his eyes are deep-set and he just looked sad because it was fucking freezing in the outdoor University of Minnesota stadium.

Either way, he smiles like an idiot when he scores a touchdown and that’s how he should be remembered.

I hope he comes back next year.

I hope he has a great Christmas.

I hope you all have a great Christmas.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

That is what the majority of my hours awake will be devoted to today. It is actually just “today” in fact. It is just after midnight as I write this. I will be about doing my final Christmas shopping today. It will require much of my worthless attention. I will at some point collapse from boredom. I will then recover because tonight the Pittsburgh Steelers will be defiling the corpse of the Carolina Panthers.

In the spirit of that…

Thanks Wiz Khalifa for this anthem of the Pittsburgh sports teams. I do prefer saying Black and Gold and not simply yellow. Nevertheless, I like the song and the sentiment.

Khalifa means “successor” in Arabic.

Supposedly.

And to be festive, here is a video commemorating my favorite Christmas movie…

DIE HARD

Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? Yep.

I believe Die Hard 2: Die Harder is a Christmas movie as well, but when having the option to speak of Die Hard and not Die Hard 2 one must take it.

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