A Priori – Happy New Years and a Great 2011

Bullet points in numerics…

1. Happy New Years

Tomorrow is New Years Eve and tomorrow I hope you have a good one. A great one in fact. An excellent one even. I won’t go any further than excellent because you want some room to be able to still improve upon the New Years. No need for pursuit in perfection because with failure and imperfection comes character and an indelible mark of interest and beauty. Perfection is storyless. Also, it ceases your strive. Also, it is impossible, so don’t look for it.

Anyway, you’ll have a great New Years. Whether you have big plans or not, you can have a fun time. There is this mystery elixir called “booze” and it turns situations from unbearable to strip poker in an hour flat. Remember that. You’re never too old to play “spin the bottle” although if you’re too married it is simply called “infidelity” – nevertheless it will be a memorable New Years.

Also, I will not be posting tomorrow, so even though I’ve said it 100x already – HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEARS! … because there’s no new post tomorrow. Or at the very least I don’t expect there to be one. Instead, you all can look back at the glory of my writing and musings from 2010. There’s some great posts in there like when I talked about Dakota Fanning’s trivia section on IMDB and talked about who ever takes her virginity might as well spill oil all over the pristine Alaskan tundra. And then there is that other post when Dakota Fanning had her birthday and is now legal and I talked about spilling oil all over the pristine Alaskan tundra.

2. 2011

The New Year has at least one new challenge for me – mork. I have a new yob to start Monday. What does this mean? Primarily, this means there will be no post Monday. I’m fairly certain I will be “experiencing” “orientation” to my new yob and that should be violently boring and I’ll probably not be near a computer.

As for Tuesday? Well, I don’t know. Tuesday will be my first real day at this new job and we’ll see how it goes. This might mean big changes to KSWI. Or it could mean no changes to KSWI. We’ll just have to wait and see. This is sudden and I did not prepare any of you all for this, but I think that is a good thing. With me providing absolutely no closure to KSWI, probably means that it will continue onward because I can’t figure a way to sufficiently end it. Plus I do enjoy writing this site. And, I’ll be damned to think that some job will ever rob me of my time to write. And, really what job has ever taken up all of a person’s time?

So, next week may be pretty weak as far as posting goes, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

I’m sure if I have trouble posting – one can always get your fill of Kay-Swidge-Izzle aka me from my twitter account at http://www.twitter.com/jordan_is_ok .

3. Philadelphia

I believe this will only be my second time spending New Years in Philly. The last time I spent New Years in Philly was several years ago – I think 2005. We went to a bar in Manayunk named 105 Social where for I think $80 it was an open bar plus food and champagne at midnight. I drank some beer, but I really drank 14 vodka and Red Bulls. That was the kicker. The rest of the night was marked by me sending a text message to everyone in my phone “You know love you” and me wrestling Dawgz in the street wearing suits instead of him fighting a bouncer. And that’s not a type – I wrote “You know love you”. I was supposed to write “You know I love you”, which is just as odd, but “You know love you” is funnier.

I’m not sure what the plan is for NYE. Probably just getting drunk with friends as it should be. The main reason I’m going to Philly is more for Saturday night and not Friday.

4. UFC 125

I love the cage fighting! I usually watch the UFC with a few friends and they are in Philly. So, 2011 isn’t starting off any different than 2010, 2009 and before have been. The main event for UFC 125 is the Lightweight Championship title fight of Frankie Edgar (c) vs. Gray Maynard. Frankie is from New Jersey and went to High School with Dawgz and a bunch of other guys I know, so of course I’m rooting for Frankie. Nothing against Gray. He’s a great fighter and we shook hands once on a cold night in Columbus, Ohio (not code for gay sex, but could be).

5. Professional Tackle Football Association of America

The NFL’s final week of the season is this week. It has been a wild season as usual and overall I’ve been thoroughly entertained each and every week per usual. Next year, there is the chance of a hold out and no NFL season. This would be devastating to me. Personally, I don’t think it will happen. I think the season will go on like always or close to always. There may be a little hiccup, but I don’t think there will be one week missed of the NFL season. The players might end up in training camp a little later than usual, but that’s about it. I cannot imagine a world where a multi multi-billion dollar industry stops itself from continuing forward because they feel like squabbling over what will amount to pennies to them. There is a lot of bullshit posturing right now between the owners, but I don’t think it will affect next year’s season.

If it does then I will pray for a short and quick apocalypse because life without football is life not worth living.

6. Pittsburgh Steelers

The Black and Gold will be in the post season and I’m thankful for that. Overall, I think this has been a very successful season for the Steelers. They showed they could get over losing a key player in Santonio Holmes. Although, I wouldn’t mind seeing him in the black and gold instead of the Jets’ green and white. But “60 Minutes” Mike Wallace and Emmanuel Sanders have shown a lot of greatness and toughness this year, which I can only attribute to Hines Ward the stalwart and toughest wide receiver in the league. I feel like the more time you spend around certain men, the more tough and manly you must become. Hines Ward is one of those men.

7. Cowboy Bebop

After I finished re-watching Gundam Wing, I began watching Cowboy Bebop. It has been awhile since I sat down and watched this show from beginning to end. Usually, I’ll just watch a few episodes (“Ballad of Fallen Angels” for example) here and there or watch an anime music video for Cowboy Bebop, but I haven’t gone through episode by episode in a while.

The show is absolutely amazing. I love it to bits. I feel bad for people who are not open minded enough to watch anime because when anime is on – not much is better. Cowboy Bebop is one of those things. There is always the rumor of it being turned into a live-action movie, which I couldn’t care any less about. The rumor is always Keanu Reeves playing Spike. I don’t think Reeves would be great as Spike, but who knows. If we could go back in time then I think Vincent Cassell could have been a good Spike.

8. New Year’s Resolution

I never make these.

I think passively in the back of my mind I know what I want to improve on in my life at all times. Being better. Being better in everything. Improving on life. That’s really what it is. Life is a long haul until it isn’t. There is always more time until there is none. There is always a way to be get better and that’s what I hope I’m striving to be. Being better.

It is at times more active than passive and sometimes more passive than active. I do believe in Hegel’s belief that the world is slowly getting better always, so that means even laying around on the couch can be improvement – not great improvement, but maybe I just needed more rest.

9. 2010

It has been a good year.

I have spent an inordinate amount of it trying to make you laugh. Whoever you are – I have spent it writing for you and trying to entertain you pretty much 5 days a week.

If I accomplished that 1/3 of the time then I would be in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

I’m hoping it is more like 90% of the time, but either way it’s been fun.

10. 2011

Yeah, it’s the same as #2.

I hope you have a great New Years.

I hope you had a great 2010.

I hope next year is even better.

And I’ll check in sometime next week.

 

Congratulations! You’ve Survived The First Half Of The NFL Season! Your Prize Is…

I DID ALL 32 TEAMS BABY! WOOOOOOOOHHH!!!!!!

THE SECOND HALF OF THE NFL SEASON!

Yes, ladies and ladies and maybe a couple gentlemen who are disguising themselves as ladies – the first half of the American Professional Tackle Football League (APTFL aka NFL) is ovah! Each and everyone of the illustrious 32 teams have at least 8 games under their metaphorical belt. The question remains two fold:

1. What has your team accomplished in these past 8 games?

2. What will your team accomplish in the these next 8 games?

As much as people want to make it seem that it is always eyes forward and onward to the future, your history does drag you down. If your team has been losing games in the 4th quarter and being outscored by opponents “a lot” to “a little” (I’m looking at you Miami Dolphins) then that is an issue that will continue to plague your minds until you correct it. The NFL has a lot to do with momentum. Winning a few games in a row, getting your running game together a few games in a row, defense playing well several games in a row – generally speaking, once it becomes the mentality of a team to do well against adversity then they can continue doing well.

And that also goes against a team. Once a team starts momentum in the opposite direction then it is hard to right the ship. If your team is giving up games then it is hard to motivate the team to start winning. If a team adopts the mentality of being a loser then it is sooner than later this 2010 season will be another forgotten season in your franchise’s history.

I’m sure you’ve all heard those pep talk percentages like a game is 90% mental and 10% physical. Some may shrug that off as crazy talk, but it truly is correct. These football players are all world class professional athletes. The degree of difference between one athlete to the next is not huge. Some are better than others sure, but they’re all capable of doing what each and every other player can do.

The difference between size and strength from one offensive lineman to another is negligible. They’re all about 6’5″ and 300 pounds. They all can bench press a Ford F-150. They’re all big and mean and eat half a side of cow for dinner. What really separates a Hall of Fame lineman from just some schmuck the team needs to deal with until they replace him next year with a draft pick? It is the mental. The mental edge one has over another. One has drilled into himself flawless technique. One has practiced endless his footwork. One has watched countless hours of film knowing exactly what blitzers he needs to pick up on each and every play. And one has that mental toughness to give it 110% and get into a car wreck with the football player standing across from him and bear the pain to do it for 60 minutes of football.

Same goes for all positions. Look at the evil Michael Vick. I mean before the Devil’s skeletal fire encased hand enters into our dimension through some magical portal and pulls Vick into the eternal clutches of Hell – let’s briefly talk about the difference between what he has done this year than other years. Is Vick faster, stronger, or more agile now than he was when he was younger and healthier? Obviously, no. But his decision making and his feel for the game has greatly improved. He has always been physically well prepared for football, but his dangerousness this year increased 10 fold because mentally he seems to have figured out how to use his physical tools as a quarterback. And I hope he rots in Hell.

Anyway – Here are the semi-relate-able/pop-culture fueled mindsets of the 32 NFL Teams from the first half of the season and now leading into the next half of the season. I’ll use these rankings from ESPN.com. Don’t worry, I’ll try to make this humerous.

Baltimore Ravens (6-2)

The Baltimore Ravens are the Zooey Deschanel of the NFL. She can act, she can sing, she can be funny, she can be cute, she can be sexy, she can be the girl next door, or the vixen of your dreams. She is on everyone’s radar and people can effortlessly say they are fans because she has credibility in all areas. From hipsters to jocks – everyone can root for her/them.

Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2)

Clearly, the Pittsburgh Steelers are the uncompromising WANT of Kristen Stewart. When used correctly, the Steelers have unimaginable power in all areas of the game. Their defense as well as Kristen Stewart’s want can be absolutely terrifying. Their offense has a power punching running attack, passing attack and will to win. But it doesn’t always happen that way. Sometimes Kristen Stewart’s beautiful want is put into terrible movies and as bright and wonderful as the want is – the movie still ends horribly. For the Steelers, that was their game against the Saints when they had all the opportunity to beat the Saints, but fumbled on what would’ve been a game winning drive. They have the power to win it all, but we’ll have to wait and see (I’m looking at you On The Road and Welcome to the Rileys).

Atlanta Falcons (6-2)

Justin Timberlake. They have all the flash and talent to make it in the entertainment world, but you’re still not sold on whether it will happen. Where does Timberlake fit in as an actor? The Falcons for the past couple years have been that dangerous young team in Georgia with a great QB, RB, WR and other abbreviations. They’re fun to watch and usually look good doing it, but can they really breakthrough from being young and talented to a serious contender. We’ll have to see. Consistency is what they need because they have little history.

New York Giants (6-2)

Their fans certainly don’t vote this way, but they are the Republican party. After last “season”, it really seemed like they were dead and gone away. They used to run this “league”, but have lost a lot of power in the past couple years. Going into this “season” there wasn’t a lot of fan fare for them, but have proved the critics wrong. Ahmed Bradshaw is like the Tea Party – fast, angry, came out of nowhere and is kind of running shit. Hakeem Nicks could be Governor Chris Christie. And the Giants obliterating defense could be the recent mid-term elections as they have knocked out the star players for the other team(s) and have everyone shaking in their boots about who will be next.

New York Jets (6-2)

Ke$ha. She certainly is one of the top darlings of pop music right now. She is a winner with big singles like “Tik Tok”, “Your Love Is My Drug”, “Blah Blah Blah”, didn’t she have that other song about going to some street where the freaks are or something, and she has that new song about being who you are or something. She knows how to win and she is getting it done, but she isn’t the prettiest pop princess. The Jets have some ugly wins and Kesha has been photographed in public.

New England Patriots (6-2) –

Bravo TV. You hate to admit, but it is goooood. On paper, no one should be watching Bravo Television. It is a network solely devoted to garbage reality shows about rich pompous unlovable bitches and then there is Top Chef, which is Tom Brady I suppose. All the decisions to get rid of players like Richard Seymour/Randy Moss and giving spin-off shows to these stupid ass housewives sounds like a bad idea, but it isn’t. The Patriots have multiple sub six foot white guys handling the ball and somehow it is working out. Sure there are some occasional missteps (letting Project Runway go), but they seem to bounce back and develop new ways of winning (Fashion Show).

Green Bay Packers (6-3)

Everyone loves unicorns and is always hopeful they are for real, but it just seems like they’re a never ending myth. The Packers are the team going to the Super Bowl at the beginning of every season and at points they truly do look like that team, but then you get a closer look at them and they’re really a single horned goat, an oryx with its horns tied together or a narwhal in a horse costume. Great quarterback, great receivers, great defense, but we’ll see how real they are in the post-season.

Philadelphia Eagles (5-3)

You want to hate him, but you can’t. Or at least I want to hate Jimmy Fallon, but I can’t. I want to dislike his late night show because I didn’t think he deserved to take over Conan’s old spot, but he is really winning me over. He has good guests, he puts together some great bits every week like the mannequin arm soap opera skit he did with Zach Galifianakis. The Eagles have some high profile talent, but mostly they are winning on sheer scrappiness, opponents underrating, and good strategy. Fallon’s show may not be in the same sentence as Letterman, Leno, Conan or The Daily Show, but it should be. It’s more out of a spite. Whether it is never being that funny on Saturday Night Live and then all of a sudden having your own show that I begrudgingly enjoy or it is being a dog murderer and at the same time being one of the best quarterbacks in the league – you just have to give credit where it is due.

New Orleans Saints (6-3)

Megan Fox and the Saints are soooo 2009. The sexiest woman and team from last season are the Who Dats from New Orleans and that brunette who was in the big robot movie. Nothing has truly changed about Megan or the Saints from last year, they’re just not as alluring as they once were. You can’t put your finger on it, but you just don’t have the same feelings you did this time last year for these two. Maybe it is because of all the running back injuries for the Saints and maybe it is because Megan Fox has spent another year banging Brian Austin Green – there just isn’t that same spark about them. But you would be out of your mind to think Megan is any less attractive and that the Saints don’t have another playoff run in them after going 6-3.

Indianapolis Colts (5-3)

When healthy the team is full of high powered offense shredding arguments and football fields, but nowadays they are battered and bruised and losing top names left and right. The Colts are a formidable opponent because of unparalleled leadership with Peyton Manning and the Democrats have the Golden Child and our Earth’s President Barack Obama. But one man cannot get it done by himself. Either their old stars need to get healthy or they need new stars to take on key roles to help lead them to victory. They have a pretty great lock on indoor stadiums/blue states, but once they head outdoors into those swing and red states things get tricky.

Tennessee Titans (5-3)

An old married couple. They are bitter, tough and can survive wars. Through injuries or a windfall of good luck – they just battle onwards to live another day. No matter how shaky they seem to be, you don’t want to fuck with an old married couple because they’ve spent way too many years of their lives not to have each others’ back in a knife fight. The Titans are a tough physical team that isn’t pretty, but has the ability to beat each and every team in the league. Their head coach Jeff Fisher has been with Tennessee for 16 years and been coaching in the NFL for 25, so the man is a rock out there. Great running game with Lil’ Wayne look-a-like Chris Johnson, a mean defense and they just signed Randy Moss as a wide receiver. Imagine an old married couple adding something new to their sex life – it could either reignite that spark or it could close them off and be more bitter for the rest of their lives.

Oakland Raiders (5-4)

The Raiders are Mickey Rourke. They’ve been around forever. They used to be one of the best and that had a nice long layoff into obscurity, but recently they have come back with a vengeance. The thing is – no one trusts it. Is Mickey Rourke really back to being a legitimate dramatic actor? Are the Raiders are serious contender in the league? Or are both of them the ticking time bomb we imagine and they’ll blow up and sabotage themselves? Who knows? The Raiders have a solid defense, their running back Darren McFadden is playing like a beast out there, but he is injury prone, and their quarterback situation is week-to-week. And isn’t Mickey Rourke like one long night in Las Vegas away from never acting again? Come on, who really thinks it will last?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-3)

The George Mason University basketball team. Yeah, that is a very specific reference. The Patriots, ya heard! George Mason and the Bucs of Tampa Bay are not in it every year. They have some history of winning, but it is spread around. They have a great year then disappear for a few years then have a very good year then disappear for a few years and so on and so forth. But those years where they are good, it captures the attention of their sport. Everyone is like “are they for real?” because they could be, but the could also fizzle away against a team with some real lineage. The Bucs are young everywhere. Young coach Raheem Morris, young quarterback Josh Freeman, and my favorite their young running back LaGarrette Blount (son!). They believe in each other and they can win games that maybe they shouldn’t, but can they keep up their momentum and win with a team full of no names against the perennials?

Kansas City Chiefs (5-3)

Newlyweds. Everything they do is exciting and new. The Chiefs were an old organization until they overhauled themselves with new coach, new offensive and defensive coordinators, and almost an entirely new/young team. Young couples thrive on energy and so do the Chiefs. Everything is fatalistic as well. Once things go well things are going well, but once these go bad then shit might be over. Lastly, the Chiefs and a young married couple look great out there, but no one expects them to last. Divorce is too prevalent and doing well in the beginning of the season is a lot different than doing well in the cold of winter at the end of the season with a whole bunch of young bucks. But you wish them luck.

Houston Texans (4-4)

The Houston Texans are like sending drunk texts. Oh man, isn’t drunk texting the best? It feels so right. No matter how times you do it and it doesn’t work out, every time you are back in the situation where you are drunk and you have access to your cellphone – it just couldn’t feel any more right to do it AGAIN! Every year is the year for the Texans to finally break through into being a real contender, but they just don’t. No matter how smooth you are with your texting it just comes out all wrong through your drunk fingertips. The Texans have a high passing offense with Matt Schaub as QB and Andre Johnson as one of the best/dominant wide receivers of recent years. Then all of a sudden, Arian “Master Race” Foster explodes onto the scene this year as a great running back. Add in Mario Williams and and AND Bernard Pollard on defense! Why doesn’t it work!?! I mean I sent a text telling her how “beautiful” she is. Of course, I sent it at 3:30am and spelled it “bootifull” and she’s engaged, but pfffttt… whiskey. It’s just fun to believe.

San Diego Chargers (4-5)

Strip club. Sing it with me… going to the strip club. Strip club. Going to… the strip… clubbbbb. To be more specific, the San Diego Chargers are a strip club and their quarterback Phillip Rivers is the naked women. If one was to really break down what a strip club is then you don’t like it. A dirty bar, shady customers, more expensive than a regular bar, have to a pay a cover usually, it’s wildly uncomfortable, you feel like a fucking creep, you spend way too much money, and all-in-all it is just disgusting. But… it’s a strip club! No matter how shitty the strip club is there are naked women inside. And that rules. That always rules in comparison to a place that doesn’t have naked women inside. Phillip Rivers is that amazing of a quarterback that regardless of how garbage of a team he is surrounded with he can make it happen. He can score touchdowns in a hurry and always keep his team in the game regardless of how bad his defense or special teams is playing. It is always alluring to go to a strip club because of the naked ladies. Plus with San Diego, they have Antonio Gates as their tight end, which is like saying that at this particular strip club there’s a chance Kate Beckinsale is going to show up and give you as many lap dances as you want. You might catch an STD, spend $1000, or get shot in the parking lot, but it’s a STRIP CLUB!

Miami Dolphins (4-4)

The Ballphins are like a girl in her 20’s getting a boob job. She has great new confidence and looks amazing in all her old clothes, but she just is not used to having this bigger chest. She’s running into walls, knocking things over with them, and generally aloof about how she needs to use these beautiful new bazongas. Sometimes these new boobs simply get her into trouble. These metaphorical beautiful fake boobs are dynamic wide receiver Brandon Marshall, the crushing man-giant Karlos Dansby, learning their QB Henne can throw the ball more than 20 yards, a great set of linebackers and still a solid pai of running backs in Brown and “Sir Smokes A Lot” Williams. They need “An idiots guide to living life with at least a D-cup” for some guidance. Maybe Chad Pennington replacing Chad Henne as starting quarterback this week will be just that.

Washington Redskins (4-4)

If the Dolphins are a girl in her 20’s getting a boob job, the Redskins are a woman in her late 40’s or 50’s getting one. Do women over 60 get boob jobs? If so then maybe that could be the Redskins as well. The Redskins have purchased a whole lot of new old “talent”, but it is just not meshing with what was already there. She’s getting into arguments with her friends like “you look ridiculous” and people are talking behind her back, which is only making her paranoid that more people are talking behind her back. She needs to not worry about the critics and just keep pointing her rock hard boobs forward into a brighter future soon or there may be a mutiny. Also, no decision is a good decision when it involves Rex “The Grossest” Grossman.

Chicago Bears (5-3)

Maybe you’re an alcoholic. Maybe? Obviously, you have a problem, but how bad is it really? So you’ve thrown up a handful of times this month, at least twice a week you fall asleep on your couch in your clothes, and you haven’t gone grocery shopping in two months, but you and the liquor store guy have a “usual” order, a secret handshake and call each other nicknames based on childhood stories you’ve revealed to each other. BUT you still show up to work and do a good job, you still have fun with your friends, and you’re getting laid as often as ever. The Bears are 5 and 3. That’s good, right? Matt Forte is a good running back, right? They signed Jay Cutler last year and hired Mike Martz to be the O coach this year, which was a step in the right direction – right? Big off season signing of Julius Peppers has really brought their defense alive again, right? Devin Hester is a wonderful asset as a punt returner and wide receiver and he can lead them to victory, right? But deep down, you know you are just another week of hard drinking away from getting the shakes in the afternoon. The Bears are the most unsteady good team ever. It’s like I just want to go to a bar and not worry that I have to go to a bar. You get me?

Jacksonville Jaguars (4-4)

Fast food. If you’re hungry and you don’t feel like looking for a real meal then you grab some fast food. It is quick, easy, cheap, and you’re full afterward. It gets the job done and even tastes good at times, but it is just a matter of time before you have diarrhea for the rest of the week. The Jags are a surprising 4-4 and even have a few dominant victories, but they’re not a real contender. They don’t have the substance of a playoff team. They’re a place holder and they can get the job done in a pinch, but you’re not taking a date there. If you want to get laid you don’t take a girl to KFC. And if you do know a girl who would be cool with that then my email address is… This is not to say that there isn’t some “talent” on the Jags or at a fast food place. Maurice Jones-Drew is a great running back and David Garrard is a good quarterback and I do love double cheeseburgers and chicken Mcnuggets. I could go for some In-N-Out burger right now.

St. Louis Rams (4-4)

The St. Louis Rams are how I would have handled things if I was Levi Johnston aka accidentally knocking up the girl you’ve been having fun hooking up with and she says she’s keeping it and then you talk yourself into this working out for the best by becoming Mr. Bristol Palin. This was unexpected. Hooking up was awesome. Sexing was awesome. We’ll consider the sexing without regrets/condoms the Kurt Warner/Marshall Faulk years of the Rams. Then when the “pulling-n-praying” technique failed that was the lean years when the Rams have sucked ever since. But this year, is that moment when you realize this could actually be good. She and I seem to get along – that’s probably why we were hooking up. She’s real cute, her mom’s good looking, so there are some good genes in the family and she’ll age gracefully. It’s a lot earlier than I wanted, but now I get to see if I can raise a kid. Basically, the Rams went through a rough patch and now are full of a lot of young talent that could lead this team to many years of success. Maybe this kid of ours will be as handsome and talented as rookie starting quarterback Sam Bradford. Maybe he will be an “animal” like amazing middle linebacker James Laurianaitis who is actually the son of professional wrestler Animal from Legion of Doom/The Road Warriors. 

Minnesota Vikings (3-5)

Who could have fucking guessed these two were this fucked up? Demi Lovato was a cute kid and now a cute legal teenager who was steadily acting, had quite a nice music career going with two well selling albums, and she’s dating a Jonas brother. All great things. The Vikings had the “Silver Fox” Brett Favre coming off arguably his best season, a great wide receiving core of Sidney Rice and the always dangerous Percy Harvin, a top running game headed by “All Day” Adrian Peterson and a well oiled defense with the fab four frontline of Edwards, the Williams “brothers” and Jared Allen. But then we find out that she’s a cutter and addicted to cocaine and Brett is sending dick picks and their coach Brad Childress is an asshole and everyone is injured and she’s a slut and JUST STOP! What the fuck happened? You almost went to the Super Bowl last year! You were on Barney and you’re a vegan! Right now, they both need to regroup from their self-destructive behavior and then move forward. 

Cleveland Browns (3-5)

STAR WARS! Like wars in the stars. The Cleveland Browns are like the magnificent Star Wars franchise. The Browns have 3 victories amongst a myriad of defeats. These 3 victories are much like the original Star Wars trilogy. All 3 are beautiful, unexpected and masterfully crafted – even more similarities are drawn when considering the later two victories are even more impressive than the first. The second victory was over the New Orleans Saints at New Orleans in the the Thunderdome. It was like Empire Strikes Back in that it was a victory built on a well engineered and executed storyline… by defensive coordinator Rob Ryan. The third victory was all action like Return of the Jedi with a truly dazzling performance by running back Peyton Hillis rushing for over 180 yards. But with how great those victories are, there are so many defeats that have happened already and will only continue to happen. George Lucas is planning ANOTHER trilogy. And the Browns still have to play the Steelers again. There is always the chance they can do something right with Star Wars and there is the chance the Browns can pull some more victories together.

I love thinking of Star Wars metaphors so here is another… The defensive schemes of the Browns are like lightsabers – they’re badass no matter who is wielding them. I dare someone who doesn’t work for the Cleveland Browns to name 4 starting players on their defense. Hell, name 3. I bet you can’t.

Seattle Seahawks (4-4)

PUBERTY. The Seattle Seahawks are going through some growing pains this year. They have a brand spanking new head coach Pete Carroll, who is making his return to the NFL after spending many years having the TIME OF HIS FUCKING LIFE coaching at University of Southern California winning football games with the greatest team money can buy and banging college chicks like he was Joe Paterno. Puberty is a week-to-week experiment in life that lasts for several years. Some changes are good and some changes are pretty ugly. You’re getting taller and have a better set of wide receivers, but you also have hair on your shoulders and you can play for shit on the road. You now have become a man and can have sexual relations, which is similar to turning Mike Williams into a viable wide receiver and Leon Washington as your return man, but you got the shit kicked out of you by the Giants on your home turf and your face will be covered in acne for the better part of high school. There are plus and minuses everywhere. Right now, you need to take heed of those positives and cultivate them for when you can really use them to their full potential in a couple years. Also, you need a new fucking quarterback – Hasslebeck is broken and Chaz Whitehurst ain’t gettin’ it done.

Arizona Cardinals (3-5)

It really wasn’t that long ago that people didn’t hate Jay Leno. Nowadays, people HATE Jay Leno. It is actually the cool thing to do. If you are in show business, it really isn’t that bad of an idea to beat up on Jay Leno. It really wasn’t that long ago that the Arizona Cardinals were in the Super Bowl and barely losing by a last second touchdown by the miraculous Pittsburgh Steelers. They were even in the playoffs last year. But now, I can’t stand to look at them or Jay. The Cards lost Kurt Warner, Boldin, Dansby and several others this off season, but they still have Larry Fitzgerald and competent coach Ken Whisenhunt. Jay still has his corny jokes, high pitch voice and his show is arguably the exact same – but I hate ’em! Jay still has some fans and the Cardinals can eek out a few victories, but there’s no future in it.

Cincinnati Bengals (2-6)

There were just so many high expectations for this. A great cast like Steve Buscemi and Terrell Owens, Michael Pitt and Chad Ochocinco. A lot of hype from being in the playoffs last year and winning the AFC North and having Martin Scorcese and Terrence Winter as creators. But they are just not getting the job done on Sundays. They are underwhelming and no one is talking about them. They’re not bad, but they’re just not doing enough to win even with the few great acting performances mixed in. Well, actually, Paz de la Huerta’s full frontal nudity is Terrell Owens – they’re about the only thing worthy of tuning in for.

Detroit Lions (2-6)

SQUEEEE!!!! Twilight! The Detroit Lions are young and hungry and full of good looking talent everywhere, but they just don’t win. The key to sports is winning. Pretty or ugly – winning does mean everything. They don’t give Super Bowl rings to the team that loses it. The Twilight movies suck. And each time a new one is being made there are more and more positives that pop up, but the movie still sucks. Oh they have a good director this time. Oh Dakota Fanning is in it. Oh there are more action scenes. Oh they have decided to base the script not on the books with the similar name hoping this will actually produce a screenplay with half way decent dialogue. But there are no winners. The Lions have added great young players to pretty much every position and they all look great out there – Suh, Best, Johnson, Stafford – but they’re still only 2-6. And for absolutely no reason, I’m hoping they’ll be good. What do I care if they make a good Twilight movie? Well, I don’t know. What do I care if the Lions actually become a good franchise? Well, I don’t know. But I’m there and I’m rooting. If you’re wondering, which one of these football titans is the cigarette smoking elf Kristen Stewart —-> NDAMUKONG SUH! I love this man!

San Francisco 49ers (2-6)

I want to love them, but I don’t. A team and a band needs to be more than a sum of its parts. Individually I’m a fan of everyone in the band and I have a big man crush on a number of players in key areas on the 49ers: Patrick Willis, Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree, Frank Gore. I even love their coach Mike Singletary, but he just isn’t providing the wins that he needs to. As for Them Crooked Vultures, I love droning rock n’ roll, but none of the songs sound like hits and both groups sadly need a change in leadership to keep me as a fan.

Denver Broncos (2-6)

Fox’s TV show supernatural mystery thriller that I have absolutely no fucking clue about Fringe. When I think about the Denver Broncos for a minute my brain begins to hurt and I realize I have no fucking clue what is happening with the Broncos. They came out on fire last year just running teams over and then did a 180 and collapsed. This season they suck, but then they look ok and in all honestly they really are just not that interesting. I have never watched a second of Fringe and feel perfectly comfortable continuing that. Wasn’t that show about people dying on a plane and now the guy from Dawson’s Creek is a ghost or something. Is Kyle Orton a good quarterback or not? I really just don’t care.

Dallas Cowboys (1-7)

Lindsay Lohan. This one is easy. Just a few years ago, she was America’s darling and now she is in a downward spiral with no bottom. This year has been absolutely disastrous. On the surface it seems like the Cowboys and Lindsay should be able to get it done. Even with all the abuse Lindsay has done to herself, she can still look great. I mean she’s young, pretty, has big… eyes, but she is making just the worst decisions. The Cowboys are full of crazy talent with Miles Austin, Dez Bryant, Felix Jones, Demarcus Ware, Tony Romo (when not injured obviously), Jason Witten and so on, but they are just mentally not there to correct all the mistakes they are making. At some point, one would think that Lindsay and the Cowboys will have a moment of clarity and get back on top… but they haven’t. Maybe next year.

Carolina Panthers (1-7)

Your grandma has been turned into a zombie aka the Carolina Panthers. At this point just kill it with fire or chop its head off and move forward with your life. Once you’re bitten and turned into a zombie, life just keeps getting worse. The Panthers wasted their quarterback money on Jimmy Clausen and Matt Moore and neither is leading them to any victories. If there was a way they could forfeit the rest of the season they should. Just as you loved your grandma, the Panthers have loved their coach John Fox. But at this point she’s a zombie and he is another failed coach, so you need to part ways. The only thing left for zombie grandma or the Carolina Panthers is to maybe play season spoiler for some other team and hurt some other team’s star thus turning them into a futureless zombie football team as well.

Buffalo Bills (0-8)

This fucking website. Got a lot of no name talent giving it their all out there, but not a single win on their record. They’ll battle to the death with the big teams in all areas, but just come up short in the end. And the fans are a bunch of winos.

Happy Holidays with a Broken Nose

Tons of snow over the weekend. The news had predicted that we would get a lot of snow, but they seemed to underestimate it or at least the accounts I saw. So my reoccurring joke was that we were expecting 2 inches*, but we got 6 inches, that’s what she said. Or by the end of the night we had a whole foot of it and it was too much for us to handle, THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

Friday night

I saw Avatar in D D D or 3D or THREE DEE or in THE THIRD DIMENSION! Which meant I had to wear those stupid glasses. I am not used to wearing glasses or sunglasses. I probably should wear glasses because Lord knows my vision is no where near as good as it was 10 years ago. I probably should wear sunglasses because of blue eyes and fair skin and I heard that’s a bad combo for the sun blinding me eventually. Nevertheless, I go rogue and where none! So sitting in the theater wearing plastic 3D glasses for 3 hours was very annoying. I feel the need to constantly readjust my glasses every 5 seconds as if my nose cannot hold the glasses on my face.

The movie itself was great. The storyline is very obvious and I don’t think they are making it seem otherwise. In the extended trailers they pretty much show what happens from start to finish in chronological order no less. The movie is like Dances with Wolves or The Last Samurai with ALIENS! Which as we all know aliens were what both of those fines films were missing. The computer effects are unreal good. The motion capture of the acting of Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Wes Studi, Sigourney Weaver and so on are all amazing. Especially Zoe Saldana I thought. I really felt a fluidity in her character’s performance that at points looked like it was Zoe Saldana in blue make up instead of a computer animation.

The action was wild and fun. The colors, the detail, the whole world of Pandora was excellent. The 3D tricks were fun and almost constant. I would suggest seeing it in 3D if you get the chance solely because you won’t be able to watch it in 3D at your house most likely. The movie will look incredible on its own merits when it comes out on DVD and BluRay, but the 3D experience is just some trivial fun if you have the chance.

Saturday

Christmas shopping! I am a Jew or as you people should call me “Chosen One”, but I am also part heretic… I mean Christian. And who doesn’t like presents? No one. Nazis to pro-choice sluts all love presents. So I finished my present shopping on Saturday. I walked around the mall picking up stuff listening to a new CD I got which is wonderful, Bear in Heaven. If you like the band Liars or Animal Collective or Flaming Lips or Thom Yorke’s solo stuff and you like their darker sounding stuff the Bear in Heaven is for you and me together.

That night I went bowling for the first time in over a decade. I did ok. Not Obama bad, but ok. I could definitely do better and when I end up bowling again a decade from now I’ll make sure to try a little harder.

Sunday

I watched my Pittsburgh Steelers win a football game. It feels like forever since that has happened. This world is a “what have you done for me lately” world and “lately” they won me a Superbowl back in February as for “lately lately” they have brought shame and sorrow for 5 weeks. Yesterday, they put on a thriller with an unreal 4th quarter TD drive to win the game with no time left. Ben Roethlisberger also threw for over 500 yards which is impossibly great.

So that all leads to today. At the last minute, my yob decided that it was cool if I took off Monday – Wednesday which was nice of them. It would’ve been nicer if they told me that 3 weeks ago when I asked for it and then I could have made plans, but hey who is keeping that spite locked away in the back of their mind?

So, today you are getting another chapter from my book that will never been finished. I think the chapter is pretty self-explanatory, but I’ll give a little background just in case you’re brains are not all filing cabinets for KSWI as they should be.

The main character, Ben, ends up getting a job for a very large pharmaceutical company. He works a shit boring job. After a few weeks of learning the landscape and starting to settle in, a terrorist attack is made on the company. For reasons unknown a group of terrorists (foreign? domestic?) has targeted this pharmaceutical company seemingly because of their business practices. They blow up one of the buildings where Ben works, but not the building he works in. They also assassinate the CEO. This sends the office environment into a tail spin and the place because militaristic. The belief is that instead of hiring an outside security firm to protect the offices. The company will instead train the existing staff in all forms of combat and weapons to prepare them to defend their own workspace. This leads to employees being trained in guns as well as being required to carry them.

This chapter focuses on the hand-to-hand combat training. It is a chapter from later in the book. The idea is that the company has been training them to fight. The different divisions inside the company have decided to start an interdepartment “fight club” as if it was a softball league. There are tournaments and office champions et cetera. One of the things I was playing with while writing the chapters I wrote was how quickly we digest madness and become accustomed to it. There are people blowing up the offices and shooting the fronts of the buildings so the staff begin carrying pistols on them and start firing back because it is now company policy. They are trained in martial arts then they might as well make a game out of it and start an office tournament.

Anyway, it is fairly short. But I think all told I’m still breaking my 2000 word mark.

Also, I have noticed the KSWI Facebook Fan Page has been growing ever steadily. Thank you for joining those that have and for those that haven’t – go to hell. And thank you to the Chicago native who set up the page. I’m sure she is buried from head to toe in snow. Shit gets cold there. Real cold. No joke cold. No joke like Randy Moss’ post game speech no joke cold.

Sorry no pictures today. I would suggest checking out Blake Lively’s pictures from WWTDD.com from I think Friday or Thursday. She is arguably wearing a strapless one piece bathing suit and high heels to a movie premiere. And God Bless Everyone for that!

****************************

Friday – 5:44 pm

Davis’ nose is broken.

At first they wouldn’t allow headbutts. There was a short discussion about what would happen in a real situation, what if the attacker tried to headbutt one of us. We are supposed to be training for real combat; we’re not training to be sport’s fighters. The next morning there was a mass email sent with the compelling proposal, “should we allow headbutts?”. There were two vote buttons at the top “yes” or “no”. It was unanimous: yes.

Davis was definitely winning the fight. He is a temp from the IT department. He only started a couple weeks ago, but I’ve seen him win at least two fights already. Both of them were brutal first round TKOs. He is 6’5” easy and somewhere around 240 pounds. I think he was brought in to be a ringer. He has a long reach and his punches shake you to the bone. He has very dangerous elbows. When you get in close to him he starts to swing them for you head like a sharpened sledge hammer. I would know too. My lip was busted and I have a knot on the back of my head from two of them.

The IT guys only made it into the quarterfinals in the last tournament and I think that really was a thorn in their side. The day after the announcement of the next tournament they started buzzing around asking questions about when a temporary hire is eligible to get into the rankings. It is a fair question and a smart move. HR has more temps and interns than they have cubicles or desks. They are trying to stack the deck thinking quantity over quality. The nerds in IT went the other route. Too bad for the headbutts because he was kicking my ass.

Back when we had rounds, I’m pretty sure I could have taken this guy a lot easier. I really was dragging my ass into the 7^th minute; meanwhile he was rearing to go. I really could have used that rest and the water between rounds. I had seen Davis tear apart a tax attorney and an admin. assistant from accounting. They both stood with him and got drilled with hooks, elbows, and a couple of body kicks that would make a grown man cry.

I started out throwing a lot of big shots standing. Easy stuff I knew he would be able to block, so I could try to lull him into a false sense of security that I wanted to slug it out. Around the third minute, I went for my first shot. It was good and deep and I had one leg wrapped, but then he just leaned on me and leaned on me and leaned on me.

It wasn’t pretty, but it was effective. It felt like I was buried under sand. His chest and stomach on my back forcing me to the ground. My legs shaking trying not to snap like toothpicks under all that weight. We must’ve sat in that stalemate for two minutes that felt like two hours. I started to give and he shrugged me off. I was gassed at that point. I felt weak and he started pouring it on. I spent the next three minutes blocking and running. I would throw a combo in vain, but he would usually make me pay for it. I tried my best to clinch with him to buy me some time. The first attempt ended with a short elbow to the back of the head that shut my lights out for a second. I hit the floor and I was completely defenseless. The strangest thing happened: he didn’t finish me on the floor.

When I came to and saw him standing there still instead of pouncing on me and beating my brains in, I realized this guy is scared to death of the ground game. The ground might as well be molten lava. He didn’t want to risk a submission or God forbid I sweep him somehow. I was pretty much knocked out and he wouldn’t go to the ground. It gave me a chance to recover. I got up and I had some wind back in me, but then he caught me with another elbow, this time to the eye. I hit the ground again, but I wasn’t out. The crowd and especially the IT guys were getting restless. Davis didn’t want to go to the ground, but he knew he had to finish me. He was their big hired gun and I was the champ. This was their big chance to flip the tables. Davis was hesitant about going to the ground, so I met him halfway.

He ducked down like he was going into my open guard and I jumped up. I exploded towards him and crushed him on the bridge of the nose with top of my head. I could hear the crunch instantly, followed by that warm wetness. His blood thick in my hair. That weight again. He slumped on me and I tried to hold him up, but it was too much. We both fell to the floor. The red blood from his nose was everywhere and he was out. The Health Services people jumped all over Davis and began treating him. His eyes were both black before I even got back to my feet. Everyone was going nuts minus the IT people. They know the deal. Davis is done.

A broken nose means any shot to the face is going to be a 1000 times worse. Also anyone who saw this fight can see for sure his ground game is non-existent. If he won’t follow a near knocked out guy to the ground then he’ll be a sucker for any wrestler or submission guy. The IT guys know the score and they’re already planning for something else. Davis is a loss for them. I bet he doesn’t know anything about computers. I hadn’t seen him do a service call or even touch a laptop in the weeks he has been here. I would just see him in the gym hitting the bag and lifting weights. I bet his “temp contract” will mysteriously be up come Monday.

Come to think of it, I haven’t scanned or faxed anything in that same amount of time. I’ve seen the betting lines for the new tournament. There is too much riding on me repeating as champ for them to screw with my mood. I’ve heard talk of them transferring the cute redhead from treasury to our department. They want to keep me happy. They want to keep me relaxed.

Tournament starts next week. I’m top ranked. My skull is throbbing and there is still Davis’ blood under my fingernails as I’m driving home. A victory like today’s can only make the opposition that more afraid than they already are. I can’t wait until this weekend is over.

This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #8

I haven’t mentioned how much I loved watching the Steelers beat the Vikings, but I did. I’m actually still trying to digest it it was that wonderful. Like a perfectly grilled reuben sandwich. Steelers have a “bye week” this weekend, so I guess I won’t watch… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?! I watch all the games! Regardless of who is playing! Last year, I listened to more Buffalo Bills games on the radio than I think anyone ever including the guys calling the games. On the motherflipping radio! And the Bills suck! Seriously… I wish a football game was going on right now I could watch.

Today is supposed to be very busy at work. The actual work. The one that pays me in paper money and not compliments or hypothetical spy operations where I am “banged” and “found”, but not in that order.

So I will try to update if/when I have time.

Bend and Snap

Do guys really like the “bend and snap” move from Legally Blonde? First, I have never seen Legally Blonde. Oh shut the fuck up with your “OMG!”s or “WTF”s or “DHRSHNSLBTIJRETHIASGWHNRRTSTMA”s (Did he really say he never saw Legally Blonde, that is just ridiculous even though he is a straight guy who has no real reason to see that movie anyway)! How many times have you all seen Ravenous? HUNH!?! Tell me! I bet it’s less than 8 times. Probably less than 1 for most of you. Or how many times have you seen The Beat That My Heart Skipped? One of my favorite movies of all time! Some fans you are!

Anyway, thankfully youtube had the “bend and snap” scene and I did watch it. From what I gather, a girl (or gay man apparently, but for the purpose of this explanation I will focus on the girls even though I not-so-secretly think you want me to focus on the gay guys because it would be much crazier) bends over at the waist and then snaps back up to a posing position to get a man’s attention. Do guys like this? Let’s go step by step:

1. Bending over at the waist – if you are facing the guy then there is a chance of thee ole’ “down the shirt” shot for the guy. Guys like boobs as mentioned in many many many of these posts. So a clear view of them is good times all the time every time no matter if it is day or night time or in the nick of time or in the movie with Johnny Depp and Christopher Walked also called Nick of Time or Greenwich Mean time or The Land Before Time because when boobs are present it is always party time.

If you are facing away from the guy then he is getting a nice view of your ass. This has been mentioned a lot, but not as much as the boobs because cleavage shots seem to be more acceptable than a bent over shot, but dudes like chicks’ butts. I don’t think Homer,  Faulkner or Maya Angelou could have written any better explanation.

So as of right now, the “bend” is a big hit with guys regardless of angle.

2. Snap into position – As far as I could tell, the “position” that Reese Witherspoon believes women/gay men should “snap” into is back arched, chest out and head up. I’m pretty sure, remember I never re-read, about a minute ago I wrote guys love boobs. Is that right? Damn this faulty memory filled with Dolph Lundgren, not trivia, FACTS. Dolph Lundgren represented the USA in the modern pentathlon in the 1996 Olympics as well as made a movie called Pentathlon. So #2 gives guys another starring role in Boobs Watcher 2: Son of Boobs Watcher the Watcher of Boobs.

In essence, “bend and snap” is a two step process for girls to get a guy to stare at their bodies. Guys definitely like that. Another effective and even simpler two step process would be:

1. Stand infront of guy

2. Say these words loud and clearly – “Stare at my tits and ass”

I am a doctor and that would work.

Getting a guy’s attention is a lot less work than you would imagine. Getting a guy to be into going to the mall to shop, watching girly movies like Legally Blonde instead of epic films like Showdown in Little Tokyo, or not to love his favorite sports team more than you – well that falls under the “either date a straight guy and get over these unrealistic hang ups or start the process of convincing your gay best friend to sleep with you” life category.

Also, Kristen Stewart doesn’t need to do the “bend and snap” to get a guy’s attention. She wants it so bad that the rods and cones in our eyes begin to shake uncontrollably causing us to only see black in all directions except in hers. A bright shining light of vivid colors and a backdrop of gold illuminates a path to her where we are all drawn to walk along. Arriving at her feet we see a vertical halo appear around in each eye  focusing our gaze until a sudden flash blinds us. That last image seered into our memories. And when one questions what do we remember of the world when we had sight? We will take pen to paper and draw them Kristen Stewart’s visage in that glowing silhouette in perfect detail. They wil cry. We will cry. And we will be one under one banner. Crying.

E Pluribus Kristenus Stewartum.

SHE WANTS IT!

Did I answer your question?

I think I should be on Oprah or Ellen. Seriously, I’m a 26 year old straight guy writing comedy seemingly for women. Can’t one of you bring this up in the “women’s of the world” meeting you all have once a month via conference call. I think you all have covered the “overtime in any sport is not a good thing, but something that the guy should be punished for” clause. I think you all need to cover new material like “why isn’t Jordan on Oprah and/or Ellen?”

If you have other questions about guys, I’ll surely answer them.

I’m not sure how the “updates” will go, but as far as I can tell this has been well over 800 words which at one point was good enough for a full day’s post. I may update as the day goes. Like I said this is supposed to be a busy day and has been a little bit thus far. We’ll see.

—///—

Update One and Done

1. Oh yeah, it is Halloween weekend. I don’t think I’m dressing up. But if any of you are and want to send me pictures of you dressed up in your costumes or out of your costumes that would be cool. I’m just saying I think it is the least you people can do.

Don’t worry I won’t post them on the site unless you want me to. I’ll just send the pictures to your local police claiming you are stalkers or kid touchers or haiku addicts. Something clever.

2. Right now, I’m passively rooting for the Philadelphia Phillies. And by “passively”, I mean that I didn’t watch a full baseball game all year and I could honestly give a flying fuck if the entire sport of baseball was cancelled in its entirety. I do hate the Yankees though. I don’t want to see them win, but it isn’t like Yankees fans are going to get more obnoxious if they win because I already believe all of them to be wildly irrelevant.

I was a fan of baseball back in the dizzie. My fascination with baseball was extreme when I was a child. I read a book which I can’t find called Baseball Shrine or something which was all about the MLB Hall of Fame. I must’ve read it a dozen times and memorized it. I used to love baseball players and write reports in school about them. I even remember that in my Jewish Sunday school I had to write two reports. Each one was supposed to be something concerning the history of the Jews. My first report was about Sandy Koufax and the second was about Hank Greenberg. Or vice versa. Either way. I did love baseball.

Then the 1994-1995 strike happened. I may have been 11 years old, but I became a very cynical and angry 11 year old. They fucked me and they fucked America with that strike. Ken Griffey Jr, Frank Thomas and Matt Williams were having stellar years. And Frank “The Big Hurt” Thomas (who I love/d) was on his way to maybe winning the Triple Crown (not the race). I haven’t given a shit about baseball since. 

I’ve had years where I’ve definitely watched more than others. But for the most part I don’t care and I don’t watch it. Plus it is boring as hell. Going to a game is fun. It is perfect that they call it a baseball “park” because it is exactly like going to a park. You lay around, drink, get some sun, and you lose track of time and the next thing you know it has been 18 hours. Baseball is boring. Look at the players on the bench in the dugout or the pitchers in the bullpen. Those guys are all half asleep if not completely asleep. People say football is boring and those people are 100% wrong. Check out the sideline of a football game. There 800 guys and they all looked like they are wired on coffee. 

Anyway, the gayest/greatest thing in baseball is when a player in the dugout decides to sit on the steps leading out of the dugout. They tuck their legs on the stair underneath their butt and they lean on an elbow or two onto the field. It is the gayest pose ever. Imagine they panned to the dugout in the middle of the game and A-Rod was blowing Jeter with his mouth (instead of his eyes and mind which he does all game) and, at the same time, Texiera was sitting in that pose on the steps. Instantly your first reaction would be “Wow look at how gay Texiera is! Who knew he was gay? Jeez, I never would’ve guessed he was gay, but look at how he is sitting. And wow, A-Rod really looks like he knows how to give great head. Good for him or should I say Jeter. He is really going to town on Jeter’s weenjack. Christ, I hope he doesn’t hurt himself or Jeter because that is the most enthusiastic blowjob I have ever witnessed. I wish my wife was that enthusiastic because lord knows she isn’t. I mean seriously does Jeter’s dick naturally sweat peanutbutter cup ice cream? Because from the way A-Rod is using tongue, that has got to be the tastiest penis ever. I’m just brainstorming, but if his pecker tastest like peanutbutter cup ice cream then his balls must taste like…. Pretzels! Nothing would be a better combination. No wait. Chocolate covered pretzels! Yeah? I love peanutbutter and chocolate too and then mix in the salt of pretzels. Yeah it is great. What inning is this? 4th? Are you kidding me!?! We’ve been here for 5 hours! Whew, I guess I should get another beer. All this talk about Derek Jeter’s ice cream flavored penis and pretzel flavored balls is making me thirsty. Really? No. None of that was gay. It was just factual. Let’s get a beer.”

THEEEEEEE ENNNNDDDDDD

Now I should be on Oprah  and Ellen. I figure after I get on those shows and I am rich and famous I can make those other bullet points about three-ways with celebrities a reality.

3. Guys hanging out naked in showers together is not cool.

Have a nice weekend.

 

 

 

 

I Kill Things, The Steelers, ‘White Trash’ Means Gay, Movie Review, Mad Men – On A K-Stew blog?

Today’s post will be random. Real random. I thought of a couple of ideas for this week, but today will just be random. More or less, it will revolve around things I noticed over this past weekend that may or may not have anything to do anything and it will be in reverse order of how the weekend played out. I will mention things like I just kicked the shit out of another fly at my desk. Where am I? Kenya? I don’t know why there are so many flies in my office, but thank God they are susceptible to the yellow Post-It notes pad of DEATH! I’m 2 for 2 killing flies with this Post-It notes pad. I won’t take 100% credit. I think that the pad itself should get about 35% credit. Who knew 3M was creating such a perfect killing weapon to thwart the existence of flies and a handy tool to write down little reminder notes at the same time.

Also, my computer is running at 1/3 the speed it usually runs at for some reason. I think my computer has a case of the ole’ Mondays. It is stalling when I request it to do anything. And yes, I request my computer to do things. I don’t demand. I politely ask “Would you kindly open Microsoft Outlook?” And the computer makes a little clicking noise which I take as a gentlemanly tip of the cap and then Microsoft Outlook opens. Usually the request and follow thru are not far apart, but today it’s like we are on a satellite feed delay. So we’ll see how this post will go. Unless I can just handwrite you all letters about Kristen Stewart wanting IT.

Minus the topic of killing flies via yellow sticky note pads, today’s first topic will be FOOTBALL! Steelers won, again. The Black and Gold defeated the nothing special Cleveland Browns, but a W is a dubya is a double-U. So I’m happy with that. Per usual, the game was not available on television in my area so I had to get creative. I listened to the first quarter via an internet radio stream which unexpectedly died with a minute left in the 1^st. No idea why. I really don’t know why it is so hard to get an internet radio stream to work, but it was. I then found something much better: video! Who knew!?! Actually, I’ve watched Steelers’ games on the internet before. Usually I find myself benignly supporting terrorism by watching some Iraqi ESPN stream which needs to be refreshed every two minutes. This time it went much smoother on a stream from a non-axis of evil website that I found on da’ google.

Big Ben Roethlisberger is becoming quite the prolific passer. I have heard critics comment that the Steelers are a run first franchise and this year they are failing at that. Well, I’m a win first fan. So I don’t give a fuck if they win by running, passing, defensive touchdowns. As long as they win. They could line up and score 15 field goals each game and never score a TD again and as long as they walk away the victors each time then I could certainly care less. Anyone who tells you different is being an idiot. Also, Troy Polamalu was back and had a goal line stand interception. It is very comforting seeing those black flowing curly locks of his scampering around out there … right before he tattoos someone in their knees.

As for the games that were on television for me to see, Giants fans shouldn’t commit suicide just yet. They did get peed on by the New Orleans Saints, but outside of that game the G-Men have looked strong. They’ll get back into the swing of things soon enough. You can’t be undefeated forever. And with that, the New Orleans Saints, the Minnesota Vikings and the Indianapolis Colts will remain undefeated forever! Nah, I’m joking, but those teams are looking grrrrreeeaat.

Meanwhile, I’m perfect/undefeated in Fantasy Football. I owe a lot to Tom Brady and the New England Patriots for padding their stats against the Tennessee Titans. Up until yesterday, Randy Moss was having a dismal season and yesterday he had 3 touchdowns. Over the past 5 weeks, Tom Brady had thrown for 6 touchdowns. Yesterday he doubled down and added another 6 touchdowns. Tom was throwing for all the touchdowns yesterday. At the end of the day, everyone had a touchdown. I just looked at the Patriots stats line and I have a touchdown. I dosed off during the game at some point and I must have astral projected myself to Foxborough and caught a 33 yard touchdown pass. I give all the credit to Dan Brown and his horrible book The Lost Symbol which taught me the human soul exists and can be used for wicked cool things like in sci-fi movies. By the way, this book is not getting any better and, thankfully, is almost over.

Speaking of yesterday, I was the anti-Christ to Kristen Stewart’s Christ. I spent the entire day in sweatpants and a zip-up sweatshirt. I laid on the couch in various positions from 1pm until 11:30pm. It was a pretty typical Sunday. I completely did not want it. I wanted it so little yesterday. There was some energy in me during the Steelers game, but for the most part I just haphazardly laid around. Outside of getting up to make whatever meal I was about to eat, I’m pretty sure I was in some version of a horizontal degree by far the majority of those hours.

Besides football, my hangover was also a pretty great anchor to keep me tied to the couch. I’m not sure how many beers I had Saturday/Saturday night, but upwards of 15-20 sounds about right. I began the day with a pumpkin ale and eventually found myself drinking half a dozen Miller High Life bottles at some point. I was at a “white trash” themed party at an open bar in Hoboken on Saturday. And those people wanted it.

Actually, I believe most people who dress up for a themed boozefest “want it”. As mentioned they were supposed to be “white trash”. As for the women, they wanted it. The girls at this bar were for the most part dressed in short jean skirts or jeans in general. Most of them wore tight and low cut “wife beater” white undershirts and then topped with an elegant trucker hat. The white undershirt look is a great look on girls. Girls look really hot in a simple white undershirt or a white tank top or well anything that is tight and low cut and shows lots of cleavage. Men wear white undershirts for various reasons (to be arrested on COPS, to go to a dance club, to pretend like you are from the 50’s) and all of them do not yield as positive results as when a woman wears one.

So all the chicks looked great, what did the guys look like? Gays. First, there were more guys dressed up than girls and not all of them were dressed how I’m about to describe. I did not consciously dress up for this open bar. I was wearing jeans and a flannel shirt which apparently was white trashy, so my subconscious dressed me appropriately. Who knew? The few understated white trash guys were wearing the exact same thing I was and they meant to be white trashy. I just thought it was cold out. I had a short sleeve shirt, a long sleeve shirt and a flannel on. It is fucking cold! I wasn’t expecting that to be a white trash outfit. But they did all grow out wild mustaches which I did not have. Maybe they were just cold as well and decided to wear flannels and the mustaches were the white trash costume. Maybe they were cold and they just like mustaches and in their own minds they didn’t think they were white trashy at all and were just out having a good time. STOP BEING PREJUDICE! I don’t know. Nevertheless, the gays(!).

The rest/majority of the guys at this party were not understated gay men. They were flamingly homosexual I’m selling my body at the local truck stocks from Mississippi to Georgia gay. In cut off jean shorts and southern inspired sleeveless t-shirts that stopped above their belly button. Also most of them had handle bar mustaches. I have no problem with any of this. It was just odd that over a dozen guys all came to the same conclusion that when they were presented with the idea of being “white trash” they immediately began to dress as an effeminate southerner who may have been banished from his hometown for being so overtly gay not unlike Little Richard. I’m fine with them dressing that way, but I just wanted to mention to them that “white trash” is not synonymous with “all men’s bath house whore with a confederate flag”. Oh and all these guys wanted it. If Kristen Stewart’s want could be channeled to appear as the slab of skin that links the exposed beer gut to just right about the peenjack of a late 20’s guy from New Jersey then I saw it – a lot, way too much of it – on Saturday night.

After I left the bar at 2 am, I didn’t have any cash on me to get a cab back to Jersey City and I thought I was too full of cheap beer to wait for mass transit. Not enough people share that sentiment with me because I have a lot of stories of seeing people openly vomiting on the PATH trains. Back to the point, the bar had an ATM with an outrageous $3 surcharge. What is this a strip club? So I went onto the streets in search of a mini-mart. About 15 minutes later I found one still open. I took out some money and I was drunk, so I wanted it. I ended up purchasing a bag of shredded cheese, a pre-made chicken parmigiana wrap, and some hummus. I think the cash register guys were as confused as I was. But each item came in very handy in my couch laying on Sunday.

Going back in time to Friday, I saw Where the Wild Things Are. I highly suggest that you all see this movie. Especially, if you’re white. Especially, if you’re white and you like indie rock music. Especially, if you’re white, you read pitchfork, you are a liberal and you live in the North East, Los Angeles or any other democratic major city. It’s really good. I’m not saying you have to be those things to like the movie, but I certainly think it helps. Some things are not necessarily made for just one audience, but clearly they are preaching to the choir, like Bored to Death.

I think people of all races, genders, ethnic backgrounds and so forth can like that show, but it wouldn’t hurt if you were a white, male, from NY/NJ, late 20’s/early 30’s, drinks regularly, smokes pot, liberal, a hopeless romantic, and fancies themselves a writer. I fit in pretty well with those themes that are not only mentioned in the last sentence, but are the key themes for every episode of the show thus far. So I understand when people say they don’t like the show if they are not in that particular group cited. Maybe I didn’t like Sex and the City because I’m not a white, rich, female, Manhattanite, who spends all her free time and money on shoes and being a big martini soaked slut. Also it could’ve been because of the bad writing. But who is keeping track?

But I digress; Where the Wild Things Are was a very good movie. It was an intimate portrayal of the emotional human psyche through the eyes of a child who is dealing with the on-going crisis of growing up. It was beautifully shot. Spike Jonze made a very very good looking movie. The monsters were terrific looking as well. In equal parts: you wanted to grab a hold of their thick fur and, at the same time, you wanted to run away screaming from their sharp teeth and claws. Also, the subtle and not-so-subtle sadness each of the monsters carried with them in every scene led to a very emotional movie. It wasn’t a movie that solved any problems or had big action scenes, but was really a delicate experience.

It was mostly melancholy, but it had a sweet ending. I’m not sure what people expected from this movie. It is what I expected it to be. I thought Spike Jonze and Dave Eggers did the original source material justice and made quite an interesting movie about feelings from a 90 word children’s “book”. I love the kid’s book, but people need to relax with calling this a “book”. It is 90 words! “Illustrated poem” would be a better description than “book”. This isn’t CS Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia or Harry Potter. Those are “books”. They are thousands of words with dozens of characters. Where the Wild Things Are is beautiful, but “book” is a little over-the-top.

At 26 I was seeing a “children’s” movie on an opening Friday night meanwhile a 15 year old goth mall walking Hispanic boy asked me if I could buy him a ticket for Paranormal Activity. I wanted to say “only if you stop dressing like a freak”, but I am a nice guy. I bought him the ticket. I also wanted to say to him “I hope you are scared shitless of ghosts for the rest of your life” when I drug deal handed him the ticket. But I didn’t. I instead considered that my good deed of that day, buying an underage kid a ticket to see a Rated R movie.

So that was my adventurous weekend. I have a very strange weekend this week at work which means KSWI posts may be running on a different schedule than usual. More about that as the week progresses. But one last thing, Abigail Spencer fucking wants IT. I don’t know who does or does not watch Mad Men, but she is in it. I mentioned her once before that she is the elementary school teacher who wants it. Her wanting it has only grown by leaps and bounds since then. She was absent for a couple of episodes and her want must’ve went through puberty because when she reappeared recently jugging along a dark road by herself and Don pulled up to her in his car – SHE WANTED IT! And since then she’s been getting it.

A lot of people are curious about Kristen Stewart and her wanting it. What happens when she gets it? Like that ever stopped someone from wanting more of “it”. It took the Boston Red Sox 86 years to win a World Series. Those people wanted it. And guess what? They still want it. They didn’t pack up the Red Sox when they finally won the World Series in 2004. They won it again in 2007. And I’m taking a wild guess they wanted to win it this year and next year and the year after that. Abigail Spencer’s character is actively getting it from Don Draper and she only wants it even more. In last night’s episode, covered in sweat from “getting it” she breathily whispered to Don Draper “I want to scream”. Those are the words of someone who wants it. Good job, Abigail Spencer – you want it.

If I had a weekly award for who wanted it the most outside of Kristen Stewart then Abigail Spencer wouldn’t need to work on her acceptance speech. Abigail could just turn to the cameras and say “I want it”. Then cue the music.

This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #4

Before I get into the questions/comments, I must say…

YES! YES! YES! They won! Thank you God! Thank you Adonai! Thank you Jesus! Thank you Muhammad! Thank you Zeus! Thank you Jupiter! Thank you Ra! Thank you Buddha! Thank you Brahma…. and the other thousand Hindu gods that all hang out and do stuff like make the Steelers win!

 

And if I left out your religion then thank you to whatever crazy ass deity you believe in because these are the crazy ass deities I thought of.

“I think I’m going to throw up.” Those were the actual words that came out of my mouth when Hines Ward fumbled with 51 seconds left in the game. That is what football does. I actually was on the verge of throwing up. Not from drinking. Not from eating day old tuna fish from Subway. Not from watching a Youtube video of some guy getting hit in the balls and then I have sympathy pain for him and feel like I got hit in the balls. Not from imagining me watching either the Sex in the City movie or the sequel they are now filming. Not from any of that.

But they won and that is all that matters. I feel like I can breathe except for the fact that I can’t because Troy Polamalu sprained his MCL and there are still another 15 games of Steelers football I need to sit through and then the playoffs. My chest feels tight like I have bungee cords wrapped around my lungs. It is a similar feeling that I get when I read one of you, the commenters, is “dumping” me for no apparent reason.  

It is a shitty day weather-wise here in New Jersey. Oh my God, he is in New Jersey!?! I know what a shock. Rained all June, rained most of July, August was all sweating, and now September it is starting to get cold. I guess bring on the snow. Either way, let’s get down to brass tacks here and answer some questions/comments.

Vladimir from Leningrad, USSR writes – “Love the blog. Your Russian is flawless. If you visit me in Russia I will allow you to kill one member of the press free of charge. Now onto the question, how hairy are you?”

That is a very direct and creepy question, Vladimir. But I cannot disappoint my readers, so I will try to answer as best as I can with analogies and visual aids. I wouldn’t describe myself as very hairy, but I am definitely hairy. I have hair on my body. I’m not Wes Studi in Last of the Mohicans or The New World. He was sleek and clay colored. He was powerful and dignified. He made you fear and respect him with very little dialogue. But at the same time if you saw me shirtless you wouldn’t think I need to be waxed like Steve Carrell in 40 Year Old Virgin. Or maybe you would think I need to be waxed because you love waxing things. I can’t answer the waxing situation for everyone. But there is hair.

If I had to choose celebrities that have similar amount of body hair as me, I would pick Will Ferrell and Seth Rogen. I have seen Will Ferrell shirtless in just about every movie he has made. Our chest/torso hair is not similar looking mind you. His is curly and has an autumn coloring. Mine is straight or slightly curved and is a darker burnt wood coloring. My arms and leg hair though is different. It is a light color like Legolas’ elf hair. It shimmers in the light and can be used as an asthmatic cure-all if boiled and drank like tea.  

As for Seth Rogen, this is just a guess. I remember him being shirtless in some movies, but I can’t remember how hairy or not hairy or what the hair looked like. Nevertheless, I have been told by a couple people that we look alike, so I’m going with their estimation. A little more clarification, one of those people was a stripper. And why would she lie? Especially about that. If you have never been to a strip club there is a lot more benign conversation than you could possibly ever imagine. I’m guessing it is a tactic they use to waste your time and so they don’t have to work as much, which is smart. How was your day? Actually, it was pretty funny. A co-worker of mine got their tie stuck in the shredder… wait a minute… you’re a stripper! Could you just strip already?

But you never say that. Or at least I don’t. You just go along with it. Oh, really? You’re a school teacher? What grade? Third grade? I could see that being rough. My third grade teacher was the oldest woman ever and she used to talk about how she was a witch with a broom and a black cat. Why on Earth would you tell kids that? Huh? Would like another dance? Eh, I guess. Back to my story, she actually would try to scare us into doing our homework because she had magical witch powers. (100% true story. The 3rd grade teacher stuff and that I told this to a stripper)

Back to the topic at hand, my body hair. Here is a line graph illustrating the amount of hair (Y-axis) I have on the respective areas of my body (X-axis).

The first blue square is my head. I have thick hair and I have the ability to grow a lot of hair. I don’t think I’m balding and I’m genetically predisposed not too. The next area is not the best area to have hair so I lumped them together: shoulders/back. I do have some hair on my shoulders and back. Not much, but I would be lying to say I was as smooth as a dolphin. The third blue dot is my upper arms. I have no hair there practically. It is as if I shaved that area specifically to show off my enormous biceps. By enormous I mean average. The fourth, fifth and sixth blue dots are all relative in hairiness: chest, stomach/belly button region, and my arms from elbow to wrist. Definitely a lot more hair than my shoulders/back, but not the thickness or quality of my head hair. This is followed by a black “CENSORED” box to keep this post below an X-rating. Sorry ladies and curious men, I at least need some kind words of encouragement or whisky. Lastly, the two dots parallel to each other are representing the conundrum of my leg hair. It is certainly plentiful, but it is a light blonde so it doesn’t look like there is a lot of hair. The hair can be seen if it is wet, under far closer inspection, certain light is shining against it to reveal the color as if my leg hair was a glass prism, or if you ran your fingers across that thick man hair which covers my shins for example.

I hope this answers your question, Vladimir.

Anubis from The Underworld writes – “I am a big Mad Men fan and I found your blog through your delightful and at the same time insightful post about Jon Hamm/Don Draper and I have been hooked ever since. You’re right Don Draper does want it. And how sad are you that Grandpa Gene died? I know I was. He was quickly becoming my favorite side character, but alas. It has been such a good season thus far. Do you watch Breaking Bad as well? With those two shows AMC is starting to push away HBO as my favorite channel to watch on Sundays, am I right? Anyway, my question is if Kristen Stewart dies does her “want” live on or does it hang out with me?”

So many great points were made by Anubis here. First, my post about Jon Hamm and Don Draper was both insightful and delightful. Second, Grandpa Gene was the man. Third, I do love Breaking Bad. I feel like I don’t hear it being praised enough. It has great performances by all actors and they take mind blowing risks on the show with those characters. Not one character is loveable through and through. Each one is towing that line between being a good and bad guy. So the question…

I have mentioned this many times, Kristen Stewart’s wants it to infinity. In my expert opinion, I think infinity means it doesn’t stop. In all religions there is an aspect of a spirit. And in death that spirit continues and does not die. Whether that spirit lives on in Heaven or returns to the Earth or is reincarnated as another person, there is a continued life. I believe that this want is the same. Kristen Stewart is the vessel for which want can express itself best. Kristen Stewart is not the idea of “want”. She as a person did not invent wanting it. But she is the perfect visual representation of it. I think I used the imagery of a mirror before and I will use it again.

 

Imagine a large mirror. When you look into that mirror, what you see looking back at you is “want”. That mirror is Kristen Stewart. Now imagine the tiny shards of glass that make up that mirror. That is everyone else and their want. They too want. They too can represent want, but they are not the mirror. If you took a thousand shards of glass you could create one big mirror. But it does not stop there. You could add another thousand shards of glass and create an even bigger mirror. And so on. That bigger idea is Kristen Stewart and her want. Kristen Stewart is a never-ending mirror of want.

Wanting IT is not simply stored with inside the slight, pale, fleshy confines of Kristen Stewart or even in her spiky mullet.

It is in the air we breathe. It is in the water we drink. It is in the alcohol that soaked all my bodily tissue this past Sunday. It is in the warmth of the Sun. It is in the chill of the morning breeze. It is in the electric moment when you catch eyes with another. It is in smell of the changing seasons. It is the coarseness of beach sand. It is in the feather soft touch of 2-ply toilet paper. It is in the notes of a love song. It is in the words of Robert Frost. It is in the stride of a blitzing cornerback who isn’t going to be picked up in time by the fullback. It is, hopefully, in these daily posts I write. And, of course, it is in Kristen Stewart.

 

Seriously, that chick just wants IT.

Have a good weekend. I’ll see you next week.