First thing first, I hate cruises.

I just got back from my first and last cruise to Alaska and I’ll never step foot on one of those horrible building-like boats again. Alaska, on the other hand, is a gorgeous never-ending land of gorgeocity – if that makes sense. I’d recommend going to Alaska. I’d also recommend setting fire to as many cruise ships as you can in your time on this planet because those things are stupid. Or maybe I’m just not the target demographic for a cruise because judging from the one I just went on, the target demo is senior citizens looking for one last big drunk fling before sailing off to the netherworld.



Honestly, I missed the first episode.

I was on that cruise as mentioned and the only channels they got on the damn boat were Fox News, TNT, TBS, and the Cartoon Network, so watching a whole bunch of men fight to tears over something wholly unnatural to them – monogamous commitment – was out of the question.

But I did get to see the second episode last night… and in a word… it was…


I’m not talking about the dudes stripping to thongs, which honestly I didn’t really watch. I am an actual man and not one who plays one on TV, so I was flipping back and forth between The Bachelorette’s male porn and the Miami Heat vs. the Indiana Pacers.

Either way, the show is weird.

There’s that phrase that if you’re seeing something weird, it’s like watching a dog walk on two legs. Well, watching a dog walk on its hind two legs is adorable, watching these 2 dozen goofs gush over Andi as well as give each other pats on the back and shoulder massages after everything they say is fucking WEEEEEEIIIIRRRRRDDDD!!!


I don’t remember on The Bachelor the chicks just rubbing each other the whole time as they talked. They would smile, giggle, and side eye each other to death, but no touching. The dudes smile, giggle, and are constantly wrapping their hands around each others shoulders, arms, sides, whatever.

It’s funny that Andi is shown having multiple breakdowns yelling about making sure these guys are here on the show for the right reason and they reference one of these guys possibly having a girlfriend… a girlfriend?! How is Andi not staring at all these guys and then shown talking to the producers being like – are you sure the one who keeps commenting about the other guys great bodies isn’t gay? Or all of them being gay?

But whatever… so Andi will end up with a gay boyfriend… not the first time, am I right?

Easy jokes aside…

The real question…


Is that the “in” thing now? Crappy hair. Really slicked crappy hair. Half the guys on the show look like they have legitimate 1930’s depression era pomade in their hair. Is that a look now? Olive oil slicked hair to the side or to the back or done in a curly Q on top of their head like Cody. CODY?!! Cody looks like Ronnie from the Jersey Shore after a month of estrogen therapy and wearing soft serve vanilla ice cream as a hat. Andi is supposed to find “love” with this creep-o lot?

So, Cody sucks. Cody is probably the worst of them. I guess I should say Craig was the worst, but at the very least Craig was entertaining plus Craig got kicked off the show last night and Cody somehow got a rose.

By the way, Craig(!) was amazeballs. Craig was the equivalent of a long lost talentless Gronkowski brother on last night’s episode. He was amazing and I hope his perpetually squinty high-like eyes and giggly laugh and completely loser-ish personality becomes the next Bachelor because ABC needs to help that idiot out. And he’s a tax accountant?! What INSANE person allows CRAIG to do their taxes? The people of Denver need to stop smoking weed for a moment and realize their employing Craig as a TAX ACCOUNTANT and correct themselves.

Is there one date-able guy in the bunch?

Is there a front runner?

Yes and no.

The “yes” is that Eric seems like a genuinely All-American great dude.

The “no” is that Eric is A. sadly dead, which makes this show so fucking morbid and B. even though he said he was ready to be a husband and be settled I mean are you really going to cage a songbird like Eric? No. You let that person be free to do what they want because he’s an “explorer” and he probably wouldn’t have ever been happy living a suburban life in Georgia or wherever. I mean he drove across Africa on a motorcycle and wanted to see every country in the world, so watching Sunday night HBO TV after a sensible dinner at home probably would’ve crushed the guy’s spirit.

So, Eric died paragliding I read and it’s going to be really weird if he wins the show. Maybe Andi realizes at some point that she’s simply too boring for Eric and that Andi should have been dating Lara Croft and spent his days tomb raiding with her or whatever.

Who is left?

Tasos is simply filling up space. The only thing interesting thus far about Marquel has been his socks. Bradley the opera singer looks to be about the dweebiest weirdo ever. Cody sucks as mentioned. Honestly, I have no clue who Brett or Carl or Patrick are, so that doesn’t bode well for them.

Marcus? He’s younger than Andi and he’s got this shady ass “sports medicine manager” job title, and his favorite musical acts – so says his ABC.com bio – are THIRD EYE BLIND, COLDPLAY, and ENRIQUE IGLESIAS. UNDATEABLE!!!! Third Eye Blind? Is he a fucking time traveler? I hadn’t even driven a car yet when “Jumper” was popular. I’m fucking turning 31 next month! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY?! Marcus may or may not be alien who got caught in wormhole and his alien technology thinks it’s still 1998 because that’s the only reason why someone would ever say THIRD EYE BLIND was their favorite band. Coldplay? UGH! BE SOMEBODY, MARCUS! The wallpaper in my bathroom has more eclectic musical taste than fucking Coldplay. It’s 2014, Marcus! Or BLEEPBLART you’re alien name! No thinks Coldplay is that great anymore. And Enrique fucking Iglesias? That’s never a straight man’s first, second, third, 90th favorite musical act.

So, Marcus is a no.

J.J. is a pantsapreneur which is not a thing and no matter how poorly you raise your child should they ever want to copulate with someone who associates themselves as a pantsapreneur. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN OR HEARD A LESS SEXY WORD IN YOUR LIFE THAN PANTSAPRENEUR?! Only an A-sexual “human” would ever be a “pantsapreneur”.

Andrew sucks. Ugh. He’s fucking boring. He looks boring. He looks humorless. He looks like the last thing that would come out of his mouth would be something funny. The second to last thing that would come out of his mouth would be a fully grown alligator and then after that comes out he might say something like “See ya later, alligator” and you would scream and laugh and scream and laugh and then shoot Andrew with a bullet through his fucking brain to make sure he’s dead forever because he’s a scary nightmare.

Brian is a chode. He also was pretty much crying during that rose ceremony. I don’t think Andi cried during any of JP’s rose ceremonies, so sack the fuck up, chode Brian.

Chris the farmer? Nah. He’s all upper teeth and squinty eyes and he’s a sad sack of tears as well. Fuck these idiots.

Oh yeah, and fuck Dylan. I forgot there was an imbecile sack of shit on the show with stupid hair named Dylan. I’ve never met a Dylan I like and I’m sure you haven’t either. I’m sure even if you named your kid Dylan he would be your least favorite kid even if he was your only kid. And, his stupid profile on ABC.com says his favorite drink is apple juice. Apple juice? I hope Andi enjoys changing Dylan’s diaper as well because he’s a fucking child.

Josh M. has herpes.

And, Ron is a pretty boring name. His profile on ABC.com isn’t bad, but I don’t remember him doing anything on the show just yet.

Did I miss anyone?

Oh right! Nick V. How could I forget them mismanaged Jew-fro of Nick V. He’s an idiot and he’s 33 and he’s got the hair of a Jonah Hill character circa 5 years ago, so fuck Nick V.

Did I miss anyone this time?

I don’t know.

Anything else happen on last night’s episode?

Andi reminded us that she had some pretty sweet boobs. I don’t think I realized she had some decent knockers, but she sure wore the hell out of some deep cut tops last night. It was like she raided Amy Adams’ costumes from “American Hustle”. Honestly, @_dharv came up with that joke, so props to her.

Props to her for falling asleep during the show and allowing myself to skip a good 20 minutes of the show to watch the basketball game without her wondering why I wasn’t flipping back to The Bachelorette to see how Andi was dealing with these lost cause dorks.

So, yeah.

I love you.


And that “pregnant woman” is his wife Tiffany. And, the two have been together since junior high school.

Awwwwwww… Right?

First off, HELLO!!!!

Before I talk about San Diego Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers and how I believe he’s had just as much sex with his one true love – Tiffany – while she’s pregnant as when she’s not pregnant, I was going to just say a few things…

1. Mixology – I thoroughly enjoyed that TV show. I’m sad it got cancelled already. The show was much funnier than the commercials ever made it out to be and I think it did a really good job getting an ensemble cast together and each one of them having their moment(s) to shine. I’m not happy about Suburgatory getting cancelled, but at least they got a few seasons.

2. Fargo – The show has been entertaining to say the least. I’m still not in love with Billy Bob Thornton in his role, but he’s not bad in it by any stretch of the imagination. I think he’s doing quite well in the role, but I would have never cast him in it. Everyone else on the show is spot on and Adam Goldberg’s hair on the show deserves an Emmy nomination.

3. Alaska – Danielle and I are leaving on a jet plane to Seattle today and we’ll get on a big boat tomorrow to begin our week long cruise. We’ve never been on a cruise, so we’re definitely nervous, but excited.

So, there’s that, right?

Now, let’s get back to talking about this man…

… having sex with a lady who is preggers!


To start, the dude has 7 kids.

SEVEN!!!! 7!!!!!


1. I’m guessing he’s had almost just as much sex with his wife, Tiffany, while she’s pregnant as he has had with Tiffany when she’s not been pregnant.

2. I would FULLY guess the two have had sex more times when Tiffany is pregnant over the past 10 years than when she’s not pregnant. SEVEN KIDS!!!!

My trepidation with statement #1 is that Philip has been with Tiffany since they were in junior high. So, they have been together for approximately a fuck ton amount of years.

Generally speaking, I would think that having a girlfriend in junior high would mean that high school was a straight-up fuckfest for the two of them. Is everyone on board with that? I’m sure there are relationships that don’t have sex much for the entirety of their relationships, but this is a particular relationship that did produce SEVEN children eventually.

The number of times they had sex in junior high and high school will play a huge factor in the truth value of statement number 1.

It’s high school, you’re going through puberty and you’re so horny the stuff is practically coming out of your ears, right? And, in this case, you have a girlfriend or boyfriend depending on if your Philip or Tiffany in this scenario. So, you’ve got an experimental buddy that you can just bang and bang and bang because you’re young and in love. With that being said, they could have had sex ONE BILLION times over the 4 years in high school. That’s just an estimation.

But! He is quite religious. Quite.

I’m not saying that being religious would necessarily stop him from having pre-marital sex, but it has stopped some people out there or at least could limit how much of a fuckfest high school was. Right?

I’m not sure if Tiffany was religious in high school. Wikipedia says she converted to Catholic, so I’d guess that would have been for Philip and their marriage. Safe assumption, right? Anyway… he is religious.

So, maybe he didn’t do premarital sex or not much of it and, instead, exercised those sperm demons by devoting himself to football. He did get great at football. The motivation to get so good at football was because he wasn’t having sex and had to get rid of that energy in some way?

Honestly, I’m kind of leaning towards that high school wasn’t a fuckfest for Philip and Tiffany. The two of them got married right out of high school, which I feel like might be indicative of them “waiting” until marriage. It’s not like they got hitched when they were 27. Waiting until high school was over isn’t too too long to wait. I don’t know though. There’s a difference between waiting because no one wants to sleep with you and waiting while you have a girlfriend for like 5 years. Ergh. So, who knows?

From there, Philip was playing college ball until 2004 and has been playing in the pros ever since. And, they had their first kid while they were in college, so they got started on their army of infants pretty early. Just for the record, they have 5 daughters and 2 sons. Pretty great, right? Imagining wild Philip Rivers helping raise all these daughters. Like a starting line-up of WNBAers. Amazing.

Anyway… I’m just saying, I think Philip Rivers has had maybe more sex in total with a female partner who is pregnant than non-pregnant.

Not that there’s anything wrong with it, it’s just interesting. It’s a lifestyle decision.

Personally, I’ve never had sex with a pregnant lady. I don’t know how different it is than having sex with a non-pregnant lady – which I have done that. I would guess it’s at least a mental difference. Like, you’re having sex and you have to not think about that there’s a kid rolling around in there. Is it a physical difference? I’m guessing that has much more to do with HOW pregnant is this willing woman. I’m sure having sex with a woman who is 3 months pregnant isn’t much different than a non-pregnant woman, but having sex with a woman who is 6 months pregnant would be different. Who knows? Not me, but a lot of people in the world would know that answer.

From the flipside, I guess that would naturally mean Tiffany has had more sex with Philip while pregnant than not pregnant – in my opinion. How is that different for her? I wouldn’t know that answer either.

Just something to think about.

I mean a lot of people are sitting around debating Michael Sam’s bedroom activities like he’s the only one who has an active sex life. Seriously, that’s not giving credit where credit is due. For all we know, Michael Sam could have the most boring gay sex on Earth. I guess that would be interesting to some extent, but you get my point. Meanwhile, Rivers over there in San Diego is creating his country of his offspring and he’s probably only had sex like 3x that hasn’t resulted in a pregnancy or wasn’t with his wife while she was already pregnant. That’s actually interesting.

Ok. So, yeah. Fidelity is great, pregnant women are attractive, and you can make assumptions about the sex life of any player in the National Football League with seemingly cursory details.

I love you,




Yerp. I’m here with another post. My first consecutive posting venture in over a month. CRAZY!!!

And, as the title suggests, it’s going to be about…


dunh… DunH… DUNH!!!!!

I need to stop using all these exclamation point marks. People might get the wrong idea that I’m not just sitting on a couch in the clothes I slept in and sitting next to my dog who is also sitting around in the clothes she slept in and there is literally nothing that is “exclaim” worthy happening around us.

Well, I did make eggs. EGGS!!!! And, BACON!!! OH AND IT WAS DELICIOUS!!!

Back to the matter at hand…

I had a dream with Shaquille O’Neal in it. And, “Shaq” was starring in his own TV show in my dream. The show had people send in family or friends photos to Shaq that are embarrassing photos that have little to no explanation of what is happening in them and Shaq would get to the bottom of why this weird photo of that person exists. Later, Shaq would recreate the photo with the person. Honestly, I would watch that show. Like if people sent in those weird engagement photos that find themselves circulating every week or so on a Buzzfeed list and Shaq met those weirdos and then got the story from them and then took a similar picture with them like that… I’d watch that show.

I am on the fence about watching the new season of THE BACHELORETTE starring everyone’s favorite Atlanta lawyer Andi from the last season of the Bachelor.

I’m not 100% positive I’ll watch this show.

First and foremost, how could the show live up to the insanity of last season’s Bachelor with the one and the only Juan Pablo eeeessss ohhh kay.

That was the first season I have ever watched and it’s got to be the best season of that show as far as pure entertainment. So, I’m not that interested in watching a less entertaining season this year to sully my experience with the show.

Also, Danielle and I are leaving for Alaska on Thursday. Yes, THAT Alaska. We’ll be doing one of those Alaskan cruises you hear about if you grew up in a white suburb probably. So, this season of the Bachelorette starts this coming Monday and Danielle and I will be on a cruise and not watching the show. I’m not sure if that means when we do get back to dry land in New Jersey the following week that I’ll go out of my way to watch the first episode DVRed or blah blah who knows!

At the same time, I did have a lot of fun TWEETING about the Bachelor last season.

Either way… We’re talking about The Bachelorette today because I thought WHY THE FUCK NOT!

E! Online posted a one line description about the competitors for Andi’s heart and loins and I thought I would go through these faceless and first named men – http://www.eonline.com/news/541235/the-bachelorette-meet-andi-s-suitors-and-find-out-how-they-re-honoring-eric-hill?utm_source=eonline – …


Before we get to the dongs, let’s remind everyone about Andi who is the star of this season and who these men will be passive-aggressively competing for…

Andi Dorfman was 26 on The Bachelor, so she’s probably 27 now. She’s an Assistant District Attorney in Atlanta, Georgia. Or at least, she was. She has spent several months on reality TV shows, so who knows if Atlanta allows people to go on sabbatical to find love in the most hopeless place – an ABC “reality” program. Also, at the end of last season she did say that her job didn’t mean much to her, so I doubt a boss or two of hers loved that. She’s pretty, which is a given – not many uggos on this TV show. Although, she did overstate her prettiness at the beginning of last season when she basically said she was too pretty to be an Assistant DA. C’mon girl! You good, but you ain’t that good.

Andi is most famous for making it to the top 3 of last season and having an overnight with Juan Pablo and then coming out of the overnight with her mind forever blown and changed like Moses seeing the burning bush that she couldn’t go back to pretending to be into Juan Pablo. She shit on Juan Pablo – verbally, not literally – and left the show.

I’ll remember Andi most for wearing one-piece bathing suits on the last season of the Bachelor. They were quite memorable. About 89% of that show was spent with Juan Pablo and whatever ladies were on screen – all in their swimsuits of choice. Most of the women went for the bikini. Not Andi. Andi had a litany of one-piece bathing suits that she pulled off quite well.

So, what made Andi different from all the other girls who barely spoke and spent their entire time in Asian countries with Juan Pablo giggling at whatever two words he said or with his tongue down their throat? Andi was a brunette, wore a one-piece bathing suit, and walked off the show.

NOW!!!! Let’s meet the men she’ll pretend to fall in love with!!! WOOOOO!!!!

Andrew, 30, a social media marketer from Culver City, CA

He wants to be famous. Not that there’s anything from with that Andrew – which there’s no way she’s picking this guy because he’s Andrew and she’s Andi… ANDY & ANDI … – because I’m guessing most of these people just want to be famous, but this guy DEFINITELY wants to be famous. If you’re not familiar with “Culver City”, California – it’s pretty much just South West Hollywood. If you’re making a living being famous on TV or in the movies or whatever then you’re in Los Angeles and you’re in Hollywood or Culver City. It’s all the show biz world and most definitely Andrew is some failed actor who had to get a desk job tweeting for some successful actor and now he’s making The Bachelorette his big break. You know there’s even a small chance that he does that fly-by-night industry of “social media marketing” for ABC or Disney or something like that and someone was like, “You know who would be perfect for this… Andrew? Right? The guy who tweets for us and has no real social life?”

Even more so, no one is FROM Culver City. He may live there, but people move there and are not born there unless they’re a pod person or they’re a celebrity’s kid.

Bradley, 32, an opera singer from Holland, MI

Are you fucking shitting me? Another opera singer?! This is some fucking horseshit and a half. How many opera singers are there in this world? 12. Seriously? Are there more than 12 opera singers? I doubt it. What? 15? Is it 15? I was SOOOOO off with my guess of 12. Anyway, Bradley can FUCK OFF. No way in Hell Andi picks this opera singer if he actually is even an opera singer. Lord knows she has bad memories of Sharlene stuck in her head and she’s not going to bang the opera singer from Michigan.

Brett, 29, a hairstylist from Westminster, PA

Gay. Are we even debating this? ARE WE EVEN DEBATING THIS!?!?!? I’m not saying gay guys don’t make great temporary boyfriends for single/lonely straight girls. They make wonderful temporary boyfriends who will hug you, cry with you, watch whatever Bravo TV shows you need to watch to get through these tough times, talk shit on other girls with you, but at the end of the day they’re going to leave you when someone from Grindr pings their phone within a 5 mile radius of them. So, Brett can easily go on the first show.

Brian, 27, a basketball coach from Camp Hill, PA

Ok. Could be promising. I’ve had some weird ass sports coaches in my day, but there are some good ones as well. What level of basketball are we talking? I’m sure if it was college or NBA they would probably mention that. High school? Is that a full-time job? Is he coaching little kids? Is he just freelance coaching? He’s arguably the same age as Andi, which isn’t a negative. There’s basketball in Georgia, so she can always get him to move his dubious basketball coaching to Georgia.

Big issue… GIRLS HATE BASKETBALL. Well, not ALL girls, but it’s not one of the sports I hear from the majority of girls liking for one reason or another. Like hockey. I feel like girls like hockey or say they do because they’re just imagining the figure skating without all the other stuff. Nevertheless, I don’t often hear about girls loving basketball. Baseball? Sure. Why? Who the fuck knows because baseball is boring shite, but whatever it’s America’s past-time. Football? I mean it’s fucking America, right? But basketball is kind of dude oriented. The WNBA isn’t a big deal to women. And, dudes love hoops because there is this innate desire to dunk and I’m not sure chicks fantasize about dunking the way dudes do.

Either way, if Andi doesn’t mind hoops then sure. If she does mind hoops, then Brian stands no chance.

Carl, 30, a firefighter from Fort Lauderdale, FL

He’s from the South, being a firefighter is a good job with a flexible schedule, he’s probably in shape. Also, firefighters have a reputation of being man-whores. Well, at least in the North East. I guess that’s universal, right? Firefighters going out to bars getting bombed on random nights of the week and hooking up with broads who are also martini drunk on a Tuesday. But Carl is 30, so maybe he’s sewed his wild oats or whatever that fucking phrase is.

Chris, 32, a farmer from Arlington, IA

Nope. Andi is a city girl. Chris is going to need be the HANDSOMEST farmer ever to make it anywhere near even the third episode of this show. What’s he farming? It better be something cool and “organic” or city girl Andi won’t care. If it’s just like corn then she won’t give a fuck. Oh, I get all the corn I want? Fuck you! I already do get all the corn I want – it’s called a supermarket and it’s already shucked for me, you dope.

Cody, 28, a personal trainer from Chicago, IL

Meh. I bet he’ll make it pretty far because of his job of being in shape and being from Chicago. Chicago isn’t that exotic, but when he’s in the middle of a pack of gay hairdressers, tweeters, and a farmer from Iowa – the Second City seems like fucking Madrid at that point. I’m not a fan of the name “Cody”, but whatevs. I think we’ll see a bunch of Cody unless he’s a complete and utter tool, which there is a possibility of. At the same time!!!! I’ve been to Chicago a few times and I have not really run into too many “alpha male” types, so maybe their personal trainers are also kind of on the softer-side.

By the way, have you noticed something different about this cast of characters that was not the case for Juan Pablo? AGE APPROPRIATE. This is an ENORMOUS double standard. I’m not sure if 26/27 year old Andi would really want a bunch of 21 year old dudes trying to get inside of her, but that’s what Juan Pablo had. JP was 32, right? And Andi was 6 years younger than him. Andi has no 20 year olds to choose from. Most of these guys are older than her. A bunch are around 30 meanwhile JP was over 30 and he only had 3 girls who were over 30. That’s a crazy double standard. Andi should have a few college freshman dudes on this show. That would be amazeballs.


Craig, 29, a tax accountant from Denver, CO

How much weed does this guy smoke, am I right? That’s a decent enough selling point if Andi likes to smoke weed, you know. She gets to move to where it’s legal with no red flags and then she can live off this guy’s boring job’s income and smoke all the ganja she can handle. Good chance that Craig can’t talk to girls, right? Dude’s 29 and has such a boring sounding job. All it would take is for one of the guys, maybe the personal trainer or the firefighter, to call Craig “Turbo Tax” for Andi to never respect him or his penis ever again.

Dylan, 26, an accountant from Boston, MA

If he has the accent then he’s gone in a heartbeat. Seriously, only a muh-thuh could love that dumbass Boston accent. An accountant? He could be making a nice living, so there’s that. But again, that fucking accent! She’ll also have to love the Red Sox, which is a cross to bear in its own right. Plus, his name is Dylan. Have you met any Dylans in your life that you like? I’m not sure I have. Right off the top of my head I can’t name a Dylan I like. I just typed into google “dylan” to see if a famous Dylan would come up that I like and nope. So, fuck Dylan.

Emil, 33, a helicopter pilot from Costa Mesa, CA

If he’s just white then fuck this idiot. Right? Emil? Ugh. Where did they find these guys? The stupid name store? Jeez. Well, a helicopter pilot can’t be as bad as a REAL pilot. Don’t get together with a REAL pilot. Those guys ALWAYS have second families and several other dysfunctions. Ok, so a helicopter pilot? Well, if he does have a second family then you’ll find out about it quick because helicopters can’t travel THAT far. I mean there’s a chance that his second family lives in the next town and you’ll figure that out quick enough. I mean am I just feeding into bad stereotypes thinking he might have a drinking problem? Anyway, I have no clue how good or bad a helicopter pilot is as a job. It’s too weird to wrap your brain around, so Andi will drop him. Although, there should be an episode where he flies her somewhere in his copter

Eric, 31, an explorer from Citrus Heights, CA

Fuck you, Magellan. Eric? Eric the explorer? Fuck this guy. I hope he trips and falls out of the limo on his way to shake Andi’s hand and he goes stumbling off some cliff into a spiky rock cave below that we can name Eric’s End. Fuck Eric.

Jason, 35, an urgent care physician from Sturgeon Bay, WI

Robbing the cradle, huh, Jason. Oldest guy in the crew. Is he divorced? That’s got to be the story on this guy, right? Jason’s got a ton of baggage as well as a generation gap of pop-culture references that Andi won’t get. Jason’s like really into REM and Andi doesn’t even know “Losing My Religion”, but she does know “It’s the end of the world as we know it” because MTV played it during the Y2K New Year’s Eve special and she was like 12 years old and it was the first time she got to stay up late meanwhile Jason was in college studying to be an urgent care physician. Ugh. Bye Jason.

J J, 30, a pantsapreneur from San Francisco, CA

No. A what? No. NO! That’s not a thing! THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A PANTSAPRENUER! Whose fault is this? Is it ABC’s? Is it E! Online’s? Is it J J’s parents’? Someone is to blame for J J having the name J J and for thinking that “pantsapreneur” is a thing. Is it San Francisco’s liberal bias that is allowing J J to exist? I can only guess that a pantsapreneuer is an entrepreneur in the pants world and THAT IS NOT A THING.

I hope J J has caught MERS and is dead by now.

Josh B., 29, a telecommunication marketer from Denver, CO

Why is there a B.? Why is it Josh B. and not Josh? Fuck Josh B. He’s probably just trumping himself up as a cold-calling asshole who ruins family dinner time for everyone. Fuck you, Josh B. And he’s from Denver as well? Are the people in Denver too stoned to work an OkCupid account? C’mon!

Josh M., 29, a former professional baseball player from Atlanta, GA

Oh. Ok, so there’s this Josh. Like there’s any fucking chance that asshole with the headset telling me about some “exclusive” offer over the phone at 6:30 pm on Wednesday is ever EVER going to get confused with FORMER PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL PLAYER Josh. Should we just say right here right now that “Josh M.” who is FROM ATLANTA and who played PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL is going to be in the top 4 at the very least? Seriously, are you even fucking joking with this guy? Unless Andi FUCKED this Josh M. at some point in her earlier 20’s when Josh was probably a current ball player and then never called her again and she’s got mad beef with him over that then Andi is keeping the former professional athlete from her hometown around for a long long time. Not even fair.

Hmmmmm… he could also be a liar. Or ABC is a liar.

I just went onto baseball-reference.com and tried to find a “Josh M.” and there was none. ZERO! So, buy “professional” instead of “MLB” I guess I should have guessed he wasn’t in the majors, so he could have spent his playing days in Myrtle Beach playing in AAA or AA or A or whatever. Meh. I still think he’ll do pretty well unless he banged Andi and never called her again.

Marcus, 25, a sports medicine manager from Dallas, TX

There’s something shady about a 25 year old with that job title in my opinion. That seems like a made-up job title to begin with. “Sports medicine manager”? What does that even mean altogether like that? Does he manage a sports medicine brand? Does he manage a sports medicine store? By sports medicine does he mean steroids? What’s going on with Marcus? Is Marcus black? Is that wrong to assume he’s black? Is it not wrong to assume that? Has there ever been a black guy on The Bachelorette before? I feel like there hasn’t. The show is genuinely racist, so I don’t know if there has been a black fella on the show. And if this is the first black guy, they couldn’t find a black guy with a job title that doesn’t scream “STRIP MALL FRONT FOR STEROIDS”.

Marquel, 26, a sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas, NV

Nope. Marquel? Is he black? C’mon! What’s a “sponsorship salesman”? That’s an arbitrary field to be a salesman of I think. I don’t like what’s happening here with these probable black candidates for Andi. Seriously, there are black guys who are lawyers. Seriously, we have a black president who has a law degree. And here ABC is putting “Marquel” with his “sponsorship salesman” job from LAS VEGAS(?!?!?!?) on TV. I don’t like any of this.

Mike, 29, a bartender from Alta, UT

Nope. C’mon, Mike. Not happening. A bartender in Utah? Nah.

Nick S., 27, a professional golfer from Kissimmee, FL

Here we go. I was about to say all these possible good things for Nick S. but I wanted to check if I could figure out who he is first and I did a google search and then I saw on the Orlando Sentinel’s website this picture of him…


I hate to do this to you, bro, but no. Maybe for other people, but I don’t like anything that is happening in this picture. I feel bad because I’m not judging anyone else on their looks and it’s not like this guy is a troll, but I’m not into this.

Did he dress himself in that t-shirt? Even owning that t-shirt is terrible. That’s a terrible t-shirt to own and wear on its own. He’s balding, which is natural, but not a plus at 27 years old. The necklace? Is that a dog tag or is that not a military dog tag? If that’s not a military dog tag then he needs to never do that again and hide that necklace from people ever again. If that is a military dog tag then it’s still got to be the oddest thing to wear it outside of your shirt like that and to wear it with that shirt. It better be his grandpa’s dog tag from WWII and he has a great story about that grandpa saving Jews and also saving little Nick S. from a polar bear attack or something because it all looks stupid. A white watch? How many bracelets is he wearing? A hundred? Fuck this guy.

Also, does anyone else get the feeling that those jeans are even more designer distressed than they appear in the two inches we see? I do and that makes me horrified imagining it.

Nick V., 33, a software sales executive from Chicago, IL

Another dude from Chicago. I doubt she’s keeping two dudes from Chicago and this one is older, probably in not as good shape, and has a boring sounding job.

Patrick, 29, an advertising executive from Newport Beach, CA

I bet this dude is either a complete asshole and/or he lasts until the final 5. Whether or not we think he’s a tool I feel like if he doesn’t get himself thrown off pretty quickly then Andi will like this guy. I bet he is a dude too. I bet he surfs, but he’s got a job and money and a short hair cut, but he surfs and Andi will eat that up.

Ron, 28, a beverage sales manager from Memphis, TN

Nah. Not happening. Ron? I don’t know. I feel like that’s not going to play well. I mean she could be set with Diet Cokes for the rest of her life MAYBE. But I don’t think Ron is making it far.

Rudie, 31, an attorney from Long Beach, CA

Well, besides his name, there could be some good stuff here. Long Beach, California – surfs likes Patrick? – and is an attorney. At the same time, maybe that will mean the two of them will argue and she’ll hate Rudie. Plus his name is the same name as Cosby kid who was on that diving show on ABC – bad associations.

Steven, 30, a snowboard product developer from Encinitas, CA

What? Fuck off, Steven. Stick to your own kind, Steven! Snowboarders only mate with other snowboarders! Or should. That should be a government rule. I don’t want their hippie idiot language to disseminate into the general population. Screw off, Steven. Go do a 540 mctwisty flip off the side of a mountain into a pit of lava, jackass.

And finally…

Tasos, 30, a wedding event coordinator from Denver, CO

Oh, fuck the fuck off, Tasos. Tasos? Was he named after a beverage company? Here’s my in-the-closet homosexual wedding planner son – Pepsi. Fuck you, Tasos. She’s not keeping Tasos around. A wedding event coordinator? C’mon! Just admit it to yourself! Michael Sam admitted it and he’s in the NFL! JUST COME OUT, TASOS! IT’S NOT THE 70’S ANYMORE! YOU CAN LIVE OUT IN THE OPEN! Tasos? Ugh. I hate your name, Tasos. I actually hate spelling it. I feel like I’m pluralizing your name every time I write it.

Maybe Tasos and hair stylist Brett will end up together and Andi can go find a boyfriend like a normal human being by settling for some guy her married friend set her up with.



It’s everyone’s favorite commenter’s birthday today!!!!


Right? That’s kind of what’s happening in that picture. What IS happening in that picture? Not sure. I mean it’s from the X-Men: Days of Future Past premiere. The rest of the pictures are pretty normal except for this one where Jennifer Lawrence is kind of going nuts, which is great.

If you do see Danielle today, don’t mention X-Men: Days of Future Past or really don’t mention the time travel element of the movie because IT SETS HER OFF. Guys with metal claws? Whatever. Women who can control the weather? Sure. A wheelchair bound dude who can read peoples’ minds and control them through that? No biggie. What about time travel? FUGGGGGGG THAT!!!!! ARE YOU FUGGING SERIOUS!!!?!?!? ARE YOU EVEN BEING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!?! BECAUSE THAT’S TOO FUGGING MUCH. TOO FUGG-GING MUCH!! NO ONE BUYS THAT SHIT OR NEEDS THAT SHIT!

Instead of mentioning that X-Men movie that for the SECOND TIME in a row hasn’t had their director out there doing press for the movie because they’re too busy caught up in a scandal…

1. Matthew Vaughan directed First Class and, also, seemingly directed his pen-is into January Jones who played Emma Frost in that movie, which impregnated her, so Vaughan who is married with children to a woman who is not January Jones was not around for any of the press.

2. Bryan Singer is back directing this X-Men after he directed the first two X-Men movies, but he’s not doing any press because he’s being sued with other Hollywood execs for molestation and rape and so forth of 15 year old boys like 15 years ago, so there’s that.

… instead you could just do this to celebrate Danielle’s birthday…

I mean it’s about the only way you should celebrate any loved ones’ birthday, right?


What could be the perfect birthday present for Danielle on this very blog?


How about a silent film of Solange Knowles trying to stomp a mud-hole in Jay Z’s candy ass?


Seriously, what is going on in this video? I mean outside of Solange going CRAY CRAY with the front kicks.

It’s got to be a difficult situation for everyone in that wild ass situation, but why the shit is Beyonce not doing anything? I bet this happens a lot. Maybe not the kicking in an elevator necessarily, but she seems remarkable silent and still in this situation like she’s numb to it.

I guess it’s comforting to know that even Jay Z’s got in-law problems, right? Maybe 99 of them, AM I RIGHT?!

A lot of people are giving Jay Z internet pats on the back for not punching Solange. Sure, I guess. I would give the nameless security guard in there the most props for earning his pay that night as he tries to wrangle that honey badger of a little sister. It’s pretty fucking hilarious to think that someone as rich and, seemingly, as cool as Jay Z is still dealing with wild women trying to kick him with high heels on, right? I’m laughing about it. I mean people are dealing with a lot worse shit in this world than Solange Knowles trying to karate kick them, but that’s still some shit to deal with. Pretty fugging funny.

So yeah…


I love Danielle and we’re going to get married on top of a mountain or a block from the beach in a hotel in New Jersey, whichever happens first.

And we’re going to Alaska this week. ALASKA. That’s pretty wild.

What. Up.

It’s been awhile! And, if you are reading “it’s been awhile” not in the StainD “It’s Been Awhile” chorus singing style then YOU ARE FAILING AT THIS… and by THIS… I mean life… and by “life”… I mean remember 90’s cutter songs that have ingrained themselves in my head forever – FOR EV ER.



So, I’m done with all those descriptions I was writing. Like 3500 descriptions. Like not an exaggeration, but a reality of 3500+ descriptions. I think the number is actually right about 3700 descriptions, but who is counting… ME! I was counting!!!! And, so were the people paying me!!! THEY WERE COUNTING!!! But, it seems like that is over. Honestly, I think it was money well spent on their part because I have read some of the fight descriptions that I did not write and they are AWFUL. In a single word, AWFUL. In another word that is hyphenated, SEMI-ILLITERATE. So, they at the very least received 3700 descriptions that are literate, reasonable, and I believe informative. So, if by any chance, you are roaming around UFC Fight Pass and you read a description that appears to have been written by a dolphin who speaks English as a second language then that wasn’t one of mine.

Honestly, I’d liked to be honest with you folks – whichever few folks that have stuck around to read this after a month long absence – I have missed you. YES, YOU! I MISSED YOU!!! I MISSED ALL OF YOU!!! And, let’s hope I’m funny to warrant you sticking around to read this.

So, what am I writing about today? What am I breaking my silence for today? What could possibly be sooooo fucking great that I need to actually do something about it?






Who would’ve fucking guessed that this would happen? Seriously! It’s incredible. It really begs the question… do we all become Ang Lee in the future? Is it just those of us that really really really want to be Ang Lee or is it just something that happens? I mean besides that one person who made a Las Vegas parlay bet on it in the previous paragraph, did any of us really see it coming? Was there possibly a sign that Johnny Depp would become Ang Lee? Or was it an overnight werewolf like transformation? THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW!!!!!

Anyway, I think I might like Johnny Depp again now that he’s Ang Lee. It has LITERALLY been a DECADE since I’ve seen a Johnny Depp movie that I have liked. That movie THE LIBERTINE, which came out in 2004. I liked that movie quite a bit. Since then, I’ve seen several Johnny Depp movies and haven’t liked any of them. Are we calling RANGO a Johnny Depp movie? It was whatever. I thought the animation was amazing, but the story and so forth was dumb. And, I know it was a kids movie, but I’m selfishly reviewing it from my adult perspective and as an adult it was meh.

Back to Ang Lee… errr Mr. Depp. He looks excellent as Ang Lee. He looks kind of terrible as Johnny Depp though. As for Amber Heard, well, maybe it’s just the picture, but it looks like her face is being slowly pulled toward the middle of her face. Generally, a beautiful creature. Maybe what we’re seeing is that Amber is transforming into someone else as well. I believe we all know this is possible from the 1987 classic “Innerspace” with Dennis Quaid, Martin Short, and Meg Ryan and that when your face is changing from one person to another that your face has a few weird phases in the meantime. I don’t want to rush to any judgement on Amber besides that she is gradually changing her face to match someone else’s like Johnny Depp previously did with Ang Lee.



Some days Rihanna looks fucking amazing… other days Rihanna looks fucking scary. Today is most definitely the former.

Let me interrupt for a moment…


Was this in New York? Is there a Met in LA? I guess so, right? I don’t know. Either way, what’s the “gala” for? Why are there so many celebrities there? Why is there this huge red carpet for it? How did people even know this was a thing? And at the same time, I’m pretty sure I’ve posted pictures from this before and still have no idea what this event is. Plus, a lot of the people there were really famous and with them were their dress designers, so that’s weird, right?


Rihanna looks hot. Her face is fierce, this monochrome dress is pretty much two small white sheets stretched around her enviable body hiding the naughty bits, so she looks great.


KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT… and by it in this situation I mean off this red fucking carpet.

Honestly, this whole idea that Kristen Stewart doesn’t smile or whatever is totally a deception from the big bad corporate world of celebrity red carpet picture galleries. I follow a few people on twitter because of steadfast loyalty and those people posted a ZILLION pictures of Kristen Stewart’s no doubt 30 foot walk from one end of the carpet to up the stairs and there is a picture of every fucking nano second of it and a whole bunch of them had her smiling her now orange-headed smile. So, this is deliberate! They chose a picture of her not smiling on purpose! Not that Rihanna was smiling. Not that Ang Lee was giving any toothy grin up there. Not that any autistic person or orangoutang or otherwise would ever consider what Amber Heard was doing as smiling… ANYWAY!!!!

I’m not into this dress. It’s Chanel I believe because I think that’s what everyone was tweeting and with that I say – where the fuck is Kristen Stewart’s body, Chanel!!! Not that Kristen and Kim Kardashian have much in common body wise, but K-Stew has a body and this dress is kind of just like the most elaborate longsleeve t-shirt with random skirt bottom kind of outfit.

I don’t mind the black and gold color scheme, but everything else… let’s show off something. Legs? Arms? This dress is a ski mask away from being United Arab Emirates appropriate. YEAH! WHADDUP, CHANEL!!! SHOTS FIRED!!! I’M CALLING YOU OUT FOR MAKING CONSERVATIVE ISLAMIC APPROPRIATE DRESSES!!!

I’m sure they were like, “Katie, you’ll look just like Belle in Beauty and the Beast”.

And in reality, it looks like they threw-up yellow on her.

I appreciate the boobs. I do. I do appreciate the effort that was put into this dress with the designs on the dress as well as the work that went into making Taylor Swift look like she has hips and boobs. That’s well done craftmanship or craftwomanship or craftdolphinship. The rest I’m not into. Especially, the hair. The soft pink dress as is can be easily seen as childish, so adding the Shirley Temple hair-do just seals the deal. TAYLOR – YOU’RE 24! NOT 14!!! HAVE A DESIGNER DRESS YOU LIKE AN ADULT AND NOT SOME CHILD THEY WANT TO MAKE LOOK LIKE AN ADULT WHICH IS JUST CREEPY! SHIRLEY TEMPLE WAS CREEPY IN HINDSIGHT!!!

Here you go! Pink and looks like an adult. Well played, Rachel McAdams. I’m not necessarily in love with this dress either, but I’m just saying she looks like a person who is an adult and not some like 5’10” little girl.

Is this Lupita’s dress or her audition for BOARDWALK EMPIRE? Am I right? BURN!!! ZING!!!

Hmmmm… you know… she looks pretty great though, so whatever. I still say she looks like an extra from THE GREAT GATSBY, which is fine. So, yeah, I don’t know. Did you see that movie? The Great Gatsby? Jeez, that sucked. Like bad. Like awful. Like people who saw that movie first should have warned everyone else that that was a garbage ass movie. Did you see it? Do you remember the scene where Carey Mulligan is orgasming because Leonardo Di Caprio is throwing button down shirts at her and the whole time her brother Tobey Maguire is watching while holding a martini glass? That movie was awful. Awful.

So, Naomi Campbell doesn’t age.

So, Naomi Campbell is officially a vampire.

So, this was a misstep, right?

I mean if Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka could do it all over again they wouldn’t have shown up as Nazi symphony conductors, right? You would think they wouldn’t, but who knows. Celebrities are crazy! If it was between wearing this and wearing a jockstrap to this enigmatic Met Gala then I would be wearing that jockstrap with a fucking smile because I’m totally not showing up as a Nazi symphony conductor.

Also, NPH’s face may be caught in a weird transition phase much like Amber Heard’s was, but it looks like NPH’s face is sinking into itself. Not a good look in general, not a good look while also dressed as a Nazi symphony conductor.

David Burtka on the other hand looks the epitome of health while dressed as an even more fashionable Nazi symphony conductor.

They’re parents of two kids, right? I guess it’s comforting to know that regardless of whether you’re a child with a straight parent duo or a gay parent duo – YOUR PARENTS WILL TAKE FUCKING PICTURES LIKE THIS THAT WILL EMBARRASS THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!


Look at that fucking leg! LOOK AT IT! It’s magnificent! Seriously, I like what’s happening here. It’s a lot of leg, but even up top I’m cool with it. A lot of neck and shoulder action and even some boob, but it’s still classy looking. Kim’s looking good.

Kanye – well, he’s trying something weird with his pants. His legs look weird. Tuxedo pants are not supposed to look like black jeans. I feel like Kanye is trying too hard to look different, which I guess means he’s fitting in with all these other celebrities. Kanye is a regular tux that fits him and his wife in this dress looking better than pretty much every actress in the building? Eh, whatever. Do you, Kanye. I hope some idiot interviewer asked him about Sarah Michelle Gellar and he just replied “who?” and then laughed his ass off because that bitch is sitting at home and not attending this event because no one invites SMG to events like this one.

Ok, I’m going to speed this up now…

7 years younger than Taylor Swift and yet dresses more like an adult. Hailee was accompanied in some other pictures by a little Filipino looking man who I assume was her fashion designer. Actually, a bunch of these ladies on other sites are in pictures with tiny little men who designed these dresses.

Never would’ve thought of Rosie Hu… whatever you know who she is… would be perfect as like the Terminatrix or as Sheera or something, but this is changing my opinion.

Is it just me or do you see like a faux belly button about 8 inches lower than where it probably is on Kate Upton’s body and do you think it looks like she’s got no smooth plastic area where her vagina should be? Just me?

She is showing off some boobs here, but i could use more.

I don’t really like the hat or bow or whatever is going on up there. It ties the whole black ensemble together in some way, but I’m not into it.

I mean I’m definitely into the fact that it’s like Beyonce is wearing a barely there sheer bathrobe.

Jigga-man looks good. No weird pants like Kanye.

Uhhhhhhh… did no one tell Kirsten Dunst that she didn’t get the Star Wars VII part? Kind of awkward to tell her now, right? Might as well just put her in the movie for an obligatory topless shot that she is more than comfortable doing.

I guess I respect her wearing this because I love Star Wars, but then I’m like why, but then again I’m like WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MET GALA?!?!?!


Shhhhhh!!! I’m busy smoldering for the cameras.

Well, Emma Stone’s boobs look great in that sports bra.

I think Andrew looks fine and Emma looks a bit risque for the senior prom they’re attending afterward.

I’m sure one day Hollywood will cast movies and TV shows with suitable love interests, but things like Charlize Theron banging Sean Penn is continuing the perception that this is seen as acceptable or the norm or anything. I guess Sean Penn is a step-up for Charlize. Wasn’t she dating some homeless musician before?

I’m not saying I don’t like Sean Penn, but I bet his dumps are pretentious.

Lake Bell and her tattoo artist husband. I guess Lake is pregnant? Seriously, if you don’t know Lake Bell then get yourself acquainted with her great work like her movie IN A WORLD and get yourself acquainted with her great boobs by doing a Google search for Lake Bell in Esquire or Lake Bell topless.

Classy Kendrick. I like it.

What? Am I supposed to make fun of everybody?

I cannot wait to see Dakota Johnson beat with a belt, am I right? How satisfying will that be for America… nay… the world?! That is what the ending of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY is, right? She gets beat with a belt. So, I’m just saying won’t be great when we all get to see her beat with a belt? The answer is yes.

Not that I’ll ever see that haunted mirror movie “Oculus”, but if the end of the movie is that this picture of the Olsen twins is what is haunting the world through that mirror the whole time then I’d say BRAVO to whoever made that movie.

Wearing Tara Lipinski’s 1998 gold medal winning outfit, Elizabeth Olsen!

I really hope that Ashley and Mary-Kate just call Elizabeth “boobs”. I hope that’s their nickname for their younger sister. Just like “Hey, Boobs, are you filming ANOTHER movie this year?! Hahahahah… can we have a part in it? Please, Boobs. We mean, please Elizabeth.” And yes, the Olsen Twins speak as one and talk in plural about themselves.


I hope this isn’t some “Game of Thrones” spoiler. Those things seem to be everywhere nowadays.


Or should I say…


In retrospect, Taylor’s outfit wasn’t so bad.

Jeez, does Chanel hate Chloe Grace Moretz? I just saw in the caption that this is Chanel’s doing. I mean, sure Kick-Ass 2 was a cash grab movie, but it doesn’t mean you do this to the poor girl.

And… there are a million more pictures… Sarah Silverman was in quite a ball gown, Zoe Kravitz and Maggie Gyllenhaal looked like meth addicts, Chrissy Teigen and John Legend looked immaculate, and all sorts of stuff, but I’m going to end on this because, well, how do you top these…


FUCKING HOT, RIGHT?! Oh man, Kate Bosworth is really at that optimal weight. That optimal weight for that Holocaust survivor sexy chic that we’re all so fond of.

I mean, seriously, folks. It’s disgusting that we promote women like Kate Upton and Kim Kardashian with their boobs, butts, and bodies that don’t allow us to easily trace their skeletal structure underneath. I mean what’s their problem? Don’t they know that health is gauged in how sickly thin someone’s waist looks to the point that you can actually see their inner-workings producing waste?

Jokes aside… I mean is Kate Bosworth working on a reboot of THE MACHINIST?

If they made a BLUE CRUSH sequel right this minute, the only thing that would be crushed would be Bosworth’s entire body from the weight of the surfboard. Good Lord!


I’m back?

I hope you enjoyed my first post in a moth.

I love you.

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