Happy Monday!

I had a resplendent weekend. I chose the word resplendent because it was and because I read a bunch of Avengers reviews and most of them use that word in them. I will talk more of the Avengers tomorrow when I write the first part of my May movies breakdown. Spoiler – May movies look pretty terrible. Also spoiler – I think Avengers looks pretty terrible… for me. For the people out there that enjoyed Thor or thought Iron Man was better than The Dark Knightthen you should love it. It looks like much of the same and with that I’ll dislike it. Hopefully, it surprises me, but I highly doubt it.

Anyway… resplendent. I did see The Five-Year Engagement on Saturday night. I thoroughly enjoyed that movie. Very funny and lots of heart. It’s in league withKnocked Upwith the mostly humor, but there is plenty of dramatic/they fucked up moments. Good movie. There are a ton of great comedians who either make cameos or play small roles in the movie that really add a ton of charm to the movie. I was iffy about the movie in the opening couple scenes because Alison Brie – who I do genuinely love like a person I know and has saved my life from an attacking bear – plays Emily Blunt’s sister which does mean that Alison Brie is doing an English accent in the movie. At first, I was unsure, but quickly that changed and actually the two of them – Blunt and Brie, sounds better than Rizzoli and Isles… am I right?! – have probably the best scene in the movie. And no it’s not them showering while giving each other a million tiny gently kisses. It’s actually a clever argument scene and whatever… if you see it, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Good movie. Go see it.

Over this same weekend, I saw that NEW NEW NEW NEW Kristen Stewart pictures hit the internet and I felt I should share them with you as part of my thesis that Kristen Stewart does want IT and she does and it’s shown for the BILLIONTH time in these pictures. So, who wants to Kristen Stewart wanting IT?

She wants IT.

Kristen Stewart wants IT. She wants IT so hard, I forgot that Garret Hedlund was even in these picture(s). There he is. Garret is in the middle of understanding the want. Right now, he is thoroughly blown away by the want and is wide eyed staring at the angelic legs of Kristen Stewart. They are so bright! They are a light source of their own. What is that light fueled by? WANT! They WANT! Kristen is also seemingly driving the car in this picture as Garret may or may not be working the pedals and is too busy staring at Kristen’s legs than the road. As for the road, no one is watching it. Kristen Stewart is looking at you, always you, and she’s wanting the fuck out of you. I would like to note that Kristen Stewart is wearing her seatbelt? Is that the seatbelt? I’m not sure. It could be a purse strap, but either way you need to have something on to protect you. I’m going out on a limb and saying that the car with the exposed driver’s panel does not have an airbag.

As we can clearly see here, Garrett Hedlund has suffered the effect of too much WANT. His eyes have become increasingly smaller and are barely visible for us to see or for him to see out of. This is one of the draw backs for seeing too much WANT too quickly. It’s devastating. Tiny eyes Hedlund.

Kristen Stewart? She wants IT.

Maybe I’m seeing things.

Maybe I am.

Maybe I’m wrong.

But maybe Garret Hedlund is positioning his own crotch and Kristen Stewart’s hand for meeting of the rub and tug variety. Maybe I’m the only one seeing that. Maybe someone shouldn’t show this picture to Rob.

Maybe I’m the only one seeing that KRISTEN STEWART MOTHERFUCKING WANTS IT!!! LOOK AT HER FUCKING FACE!! LOOK AT IT!!!! ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING?!!! SHE FUCKING WANTS IT!!!!! SO FUCKING MUCH!!!!

Let me be clear, what she wants may or may not be to give Garret a handjob in front of this photography in this old jalopy, but that is not for me to decide. Kristen Stewart’s want is real that I can tell. For what is a mystery that I hope never know because I imagine the beauty of it would make me cry until my last days from knowing the truth.

KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT!

You think I’m kidding around here? Look for yourself! It burns! It burns inside me how much she wants IT. Burns like acid reflux. She wants IT. She wants IT in that weird shirt and wool skirt on top of a tetanus ridden car and she wants IT.

It’s what she does! SHE. WANTS. IT.

In this picture, Garrett has begun to take matters into his own hands by self-medicating his want ailments with weed.

Also, if you’re wondering what that orange stripe is or any of these stripes are it’s not from the film development process. This is actually what happens when Kristen Stewart allows her vagina to see the light of day and want IT. It’s a natural color display phenomenon like aurora borealis.

In this final picture, one can clearly see that Garret Hedlund has died.

He has passed along from this plane of existence with his final moment being shared with a peek under Kristen Stewart’s skirt, which killed him for sure.

As for Kristen Stewart, she wants IT and is off looking for her next victim.

I have no idea what “Jalouse” magazine is, but I think they chose wisely with the date rapey HJ photo for the cover.

Well done.

How was your weekend?

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Happy Friday!

HAPPY! … FRI! … FUCKING! … DAY!

HAP! … PEE! HAHHHHH! PUH! PEE! … FRY! FRUH! FRUHHHHHH! AYE! EYE! … FUCK! FUH! KUH! FUCKING! KEEN! GUH! FUCKING! … DAY! … FRIDAY!

Sincerely, happy fucking Friday to you wonderful people and all your loved ones and the people you cherish most in your heart on this planet Earth and in the outer reaches of the Almighty’s domain, Heaven. Sincerely, happy fucking Friday to you, who I wish to leave a wet kiss of gratitude on the forehead of each and everyone of you reading this with your deeply emotional colored irises, and to all of the people who are alive on this plane of existence and those who have past into a life beyond this one and are now at the side of the omnipresent Lord who controls and began all and one day we will all be let into his arms of true benevolence and love. Happy fucking Friday.

Last night was the first round of the NFL Draft and I want to talk a bit about it.

But first, I do want to mention that there are some ladies fighting – consensually – in a cage and live and free on the internet this Saturday night. Here is a video of this all female cagefighting card. I’m excited for this card and hope you watch it or at least tell other people about it and they watch it.

SO WATCH THAT!

Now, let’s talk about the draft.

Last night, the first round aka the first 32 picks of the draft went along quite nicely. I have a few thoughts to share about these 32 picks and I believe I have a special guest who has some thoughts as well…

Professor J.B. Money Cakes (Me): IT’S 2007’s KRISTEN STEWART! Oh my God! Thank you for joining the website today. This is such an honor.

Kristen Stewart (KS): I’m glad… yeah? Fucking glad to be invited and be here for this moment.

Me: Yeah. Yeah? Alright. We should start, right?

KS: I want IT.

Me: Good enough for me. The first two picks of the NFL draft were:

1. Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck – QB
2. Washington Redskins – Robert Griffin III – QB

Your thoughts, Kristen?

KS: I want IT.

Me: I see you’re already playing with your hair. This bodes well. I like the first two picks especially because they were the two picks we all knew were going to be picked and all that hype was not for naught and it actually happened. The cornerstone of every team is the quarterback simply because they touch the ball so damn much. I don’t think your team’s best player or attribute has to be the quarterback, but you need a solid quarterback you can count on to win and to not fuck up if you want to win a Super Bowl or want to do well in the NFL.

KS: I want IT.

Me: I do too? Or they do too, I should say. Both teams are infinitely better on paper and I think in reality with Luck and RGIII. Neither the Colts or the Redskins had anything worth noting as their QBs last year, so these were good moves. RGIII should provide that dangerous element the Redskins need on offense. Luck should provide the structure and consistency that the Colts need. Next…

3. Cleveland Browns – Trent Richardson – RB
4. Minnesota Vikings – Matt Kalil – T

KS: I want … IT?

Me: Agreed, Kristen. I have no idea what happened here in the draft. The Cleveland Browns had the 4th pick and the Vikings had the 3rd pick, but moments before the picks were made the Browns traded the Vikings their 4th pick for their 3rd pick as well as the Browns gave the Vikings a few picks of theirs in later rounds of the draft to get that 3rd spot, which was one spot removed from the pick they had.

KS: I want-

Me: Let me finish, Kristen. Even squirrelier about this move was that in every mock draft done that I read – which were several – everyone guessed the Vikings were going to take Matt Kalil, which they did. I think he’s a great pick as the Vikings do need to fix their offensive line. Meanwhile, the Browns all along wanted running back Trent Richardson. Plus, the Vikings already have a great running back at Adrian Peterson, so why did the Browns give away all these picks to get a guy they were already going to get because the ONE and ONLY team in front of them was going to pick a different guy all along? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Is Cleveland Brown’s President Mike Holmgren suffering dementia?

KS: I want IT?

Me: I want answers too, Kristen. Either way, I think the picks are good ones for their teams minus the mess of the trading of the picks. I’m a big fan of offensive lineman and the Browns are in desperate need of skill position players like Trent at running back. Next up… let’s start doing a lightning round of sorts…

5. Jacksonville Jaguars – Justin Blackmon – WR
6. Dallas Cowboys – Morris Claiborne – CB
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Mark Barron – SS
8. Miami Dolphins – Ryan Tannehill – QB
9. Carolina Panthers – Luke Kuechly – ILB

KS: I WANT IT!

Me: Exactly! A wild line-up of players that I’m pro for almost all of them. Most of these picks were on the money of most mock drafts I saw. The Jags were the least effective passing team all last year and the number 1 wide receiver in the draft Blackmon should help that team greatly if they get that kid the ball. He has Calvin Johnson type abilities. As for the Bucs and the Cowboys, they switched their picks, and ended up essentially switching up draft players. Both are great DBs in college and both should fill in where both teams are severely lacking. As for Tannehill…

KS: I want IT.

Me: This is where you and I disagree, Kristen. I’m not sold on Tannehill and I think the Dolphins need to focus on other areas like wide receivers especially considering they traded away their best WR recently with Brandon “Borderline” Marshall going to the Bears. Not that Matt Moore is necessarily the QB of the Dolphins’ future, but they need to build around him and work on other key areas in my opinion. As for Kuechly, I know little about the guy outside of him being a tackling machine and that’s what the Panthers need. They need to spend almost all their money defense because that is what not only fell apart on them last year, but was never there to begin with. If the Panthers can create a serviceable defense this year then they will find themselves quickly battling for supremacy among that topsy turvy NFC south division. Long live “The Prophecy” Cam Newton.

KS: I want IT!

Me: Me too, Kristen. Me too.

10. Buffalo Bills – Stephon Gilmore – CB
11. Kansas City Chiefs – Dontari Poe – DT
12. Philadelphia Eagles – Fletcher Cox – DE
13. Arizona Cardinals – Michael Floyd – WR
14. St. Louis Rams – Michael Brockers – DT
15. Seattle Seahawks – Bruce Irvin – OLB
16. NY Jets – Quinton Coples – DE

KS: I want IT.

Me: I see your point, Kristen. I’m 50/50 on these. I like the Bills pick-up because I love seeing teams spending a lot on their defense. Add Gilmore to the recently signed Mark Anderson and Mario Williams and clearly the Bills are trying to create a defense that was not there last year – I like it. The Chiefs had a good defense that got better as the season went on and Poe should add to that with their defensive minded coach. Did the Eagles really need a DE at this point in the draft? Not in my opinion. The Eagles have one of the worst O-lines out there and they are not addressing it. The Cardinals going after a WR is a nice move trying to even out their offensive attack and giving Larry Fitzgerald someone to play with. The Rams apparently wanted Floyd who went to the Cards, but I like the improving the defense idea because why not. Like I said, I love mean defenses, so I get that. The last two picks I’m not so sure about. The Seahawks drafted a project in Irvin. They did recently give up their best linebacker to the Saints, so they need a new LB, but Irvin is a problem character and is he really the best choice for this early on in the draft? I don’t know. As for Coples, well, the Jets said they really wanted Ingram who is still on the board at this point, but they didn’t go for him. They said they wanted a few other players too who were also still available, but went for Coples instead. The Jets do need a DE badly, but it’s curious they chose this one.

KS: I. Want. IT.

Me: I agree. I just agree, Kristen.

17. Cincinnati Bengals – Dre Kirkpatrick – CB
18. San Diego Chargers – Melvin Ingram – OLB
19. Chicago Bears – Shea McClellin – OLB
20. Tennessee Titans – Kendall Wright – WR
21. New England Patriots – Chandler Jones – DE
22. Cleveland Browns – Brandon Weeden – QB
23. Detroit Lions – Riley Reiff – T

KS: I want… IT!!!!!!!!

Me: I fucking love it all too. Minus Wright, Weeden, and Reiff, all those picks are defense and I like all of them. I especially like the Chargers going after Ingram because they do need to get a lot tougher on defense. I find it funny that the two guys I was the most concerned with where they went went right after another in Jones and Weeden. Damn, Bill Belicheck, I like that man’s style and I fucking hate his team. I like the Jones pick-up a lot and they needed a new DE to begin with let alone, as mentioned, they gave up Mark Anderson to the Bills. As for Weeden, he will immediately be competing for that starting job with Colt McCoy. I like that in the sense that I like Weeden and think he can be a starting QB in the league, but I don’t think the Browns were in need of a QB there. Colt McCoy is not the problem in my opinion with the Browns. I’m not sure what the rest of their draft will be, but they are in lack of weapons in WR and RB and everything on offense. They only have one real playmaker in Joshua Cribbs and they need to fill that out more. Richardson helps, but doesn’t fix the problem. Lastly, I like the O-lineman pick-up by the Lions. They need to protect Matt Stafford.

KS: I want IT. I want IT? I want IT.

Me: Exactly, and you know who is up next, right? Kristen?

KS: I. WANT. IT!

Me: 24. Pittsburgh Steelers – David DeCastro – G

KS: I want IT.

Me: We are on the exact same wavelength right now, Kristen. Yesterday, I mentioned that the Steelers needed to pick an offensive lineman. I said I read a lot of people thinking they were going to go after Hightower at linebacker instead of an lineman and that I was OK with that because Hightower is supposed to be great and all, but the Steelers really need to address their line problems in this draft. Thankfully, they listened. Obviously. The Steelers picked up David DeCastro who played at Stanford and protected Andrew Luck’s ass for several seasons. Now, he’ll be protecting Large Benjamin’s. I can’t wait. The Steelers still need more offensive lineman, but this is a step in the right direction.

KS: I WANT IT!

Me: Next up, fucking Bill Belicheck grabs Hightower, which I fucking respect obviously.

25. New England Patriots – Dont’a Hightower – ILB
26. Houston Texans – Whitney Mercilus – DE
27. Cincinnati Bengals – Kevin Zeitler – G
28. Green Bay Packers – Nick Perry – OLB
29. Minnesota Vikings – Harrison Smith – SS
30. San Francisco 49ers – A.J. Jenkins – WR
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Doug Martin – RB
32. NY Giants – David Wilson – RB

KS: I want IT. I want IT?

Me: Yeah, I’m also kind of 50/50 on these picks, but a couple of the picks I’m unsure of are on teams I’m sure of, so who knows. On paper, I agree with a few of these picks and, on paper, I don’t. The Patriots and the Texans, I completely agree with their picks. I really like the Patriots pick and Dont’a will fit nicely next to Mayo next year. The Texans gave up Mario Williams to the Bills, so they do need a new stud at DE. The Bengals went offensive line, which I absolutely never question. You can never have enough talented offensive line players… NEVER.

KS: I WANT IT!

Me: Yep. The Packers do need more talent on D. I wouldn’t be surprised if their next couple picks are a safety or a CB. They might go after an offensive lineman just because their great O-line did get hurt last year which caused them problems later on, but they need to address their roughness on D. They are a bend not break team and I’m sure they would rather be a more attacking defense than a passive one. The Vikings need talent almost every where and they definitely need help in their defensive secondary, so a SS is a good pick-up. As for the last three picks…

KS: I want IT?

Me: I’m not sure either. I trust that Jim Harbaugh knows what he’s doing, but he already bought Randy Moss and Mario Manningham and already had Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree. How many receivers does he need? Especially with a QB like Alex Smith who is far from a gun slinger. But maybe we’re all wrong and Jenkins is exactly who they need. As for Tampa and the Giants? I wouldn’t have guessed they were going to pick RBs, but who knows. I think that Tampa needs players in other areas more. The Giants, I would’ve guessed a defensive back. Maybe they’re going to load up on them in later rounds and they love this kid Wilson, but it wouldn’t have been my choice. Plus, if the Giants were going to get a RB, I would’ve guessed they were going to get a big RB who is about power running and not a small fast one. That’s me though. The Giants have won the Super Bowl twice recently, so it’s hard to question them too much, but not what I was expecting. Any final thoughts, Kristen?

KS: I… want… IT.

Me: I see I’m losing you, Kristen. It appears you are wanting the shit out of the time tunnel vortex wormhole outside the window, so have fun traveling back to the present. It was nice talking to you.

– end scene –

I hope you all have a great weekend.

Happy Thursday!

Another ugly day in New Jersey or at least where I am. This week has been highlighted by muggy days since we were hit with a Noreaster on Sunday. God tried to drown us on his day and then on Monday he tried to blow us away with wind and since he’s tried to get us to off ourselves with depressing grey tones. It’s cool which is nice because I like light zip up jackets, but it’s April almost May and we had zero winter and I’m half expecting to wake up one day and it to be 98 degrees outside with a humidity of 120% and to think that God is just punking us. I don’t trust the coolness in the air. It’s a trick!

Anyway, I have two topics to talk about…

1. The NFL Draft… trust me, I’ll make it short and sweet… just like I told my prom date. Whaddup!

2. Shame… I saw Shame last night starring Michael Fassbender and his Fassbender aka penis and I have some thoughts about that movie. The rant I go on will be spoiler filled and I have a different take on how “sad” this movie truly is.

Here. We. Go.

THE NFL DRAFT

I am a BLACK and GOLD loving Steeler fan as anyone who reads this blog should know. I have a couple thoughts about what the Steelers should do in tonight’s draft. Oh right. If you don’t know, the NFL draft starts tonight. All the big kiddies who have declared themselves from college will get their moment in the Sun to be millionaires as tonight the first 32 of them will be drafted by a team and given a ton of money to play what is essentially a revised deathsport and I FUCKING LOVE IT! Back to the Steelers, I think there are two main areas of interest I’m hoping the Steelers solve and both are the “line”.

First and foremost, the Steelers need need need need NEEDto fix their offensive line once and for all. It doesn’t have to be with their first pick or the following 2 or whatever, but the Steelers do need to invest in their offensive line and fill all the holes that it has. Every year I have to watch Ben Roethlisberger get hit with career ending hits and somehow that Frankenstein monster continues to play exceptional at QB even absorbing this punishment and playing crazy hurt. But that shouldn’t be the game plan! You’re supposed to protect that quarterback! So they need to get some offensive line guys and really they need to get two new guards, two new tackles, and then back-up guards and back-up tackles. All they have is Pouncey and Legursky and that’s it.

At the same time, the Steelers’ defensive’s age was a big story all last year. The Steelers do need to get younger on defense. It’s an issue, but not the biggest priority in my opinion. A lot of people think the Steelers are going to go after a young linebacker and I’m cool with that. The Steelers are the best at picking and then grooming linebackers so why not continue that. But the Steelers really have a problem with their DT – defensive tackle. Reason being, Casey Hampton is old. Casey has played great great great for many many many years and he’s definitely at the point where he needs to help groom his replacements. They got this kid Heyward I believe and hopefully he makes more strides, but a DT wouldn’t be a bad choice in this draft. On the outskirts of that, the Steelers do need to get another DB – defensive back – at some point. They got rid of William Gay and they’ve really hadn’t had another good cover corner besides Ike Taylor. And as good as Ike is, he has some bad days and it would be nice if there was another dude who could help carry the weight when Ike fucks up.

Besides the Steelers, I’m specifically looking forward to see where Chandler Jones – Syracuse Defensive End – because he is the younger brother of Jon Jones the UFC light-heavyweight champion and Arthur Jones the DT for the Baltimore Ravens. I’m also really interested in seeing who grabs Brent Weeden. I have high hopes for that guy and think he’s NFL ready. He was the quarterback for Oklahoma State who just happened to be Andrew Luck in their final bowl game. I think Weeden’s got a ton of upside and really think people are complaining way too much about the fact that he’s the oldest player in the draft by several years because his first sport was baseball and he played professional baseball before he went to OSU and became a QB. I like Weeden, sue me.

SHAME

I get it. He’s unhappy.

I watched Shame last night and I did like it a lot. In many ways, it was Drive except swap the violence for sex. That’s about the main difference in the two movies. Both are 70’s styled movies about intensity and feelings and not so much on storylines or dialogue. Fassbender, like Gosling, barely speaks in the movie and when he does it’s usually not about the words he says and more about how he says or how loudly he says it or how emotionally he says it. Both characters are a heartbeat away from a full mental breakdown at any time. Both characters could also have all their emotional problems solved by adopting a fucking puppy. … … that is if they didn’t kill the puppy like Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Anyway… a damn puppy would solve both of these guy’s feelings that they are completely unattached from the human experience because puppies rule and they make you feel feelings.

And… Carey Mulligan is the only girl in the movie with more than 2 scenes.

Shame is really trying to sell you on Fassbender being the most depressing person in the world with heavily dramatic music and long lingering stares with Fassbender slightly frowning. If you don’t know Fassbender has the worst addiction of them all – he’s a sex addict.

Wait… did I say “worst”? I should’ve said MOTHERFUCKING BEST addiction. Yep. I don’t get that this movie is thaaaaaat sad. Seriously, if it wasn’t for director Steve McQueen trying his best to make this sad then I don’t think anyone would think this is sad. There are a couple bad things that happen to Fassbender, but not that bad. Nothing worse than breaking your wrist and wearing a cast type of sad or anything. Let me stop beating around the bush and get to spoilers and all such…

*SPOILERS*

Let me also say that even if you know the spoilers, it really won’t affect the movie that much. I’m pretty sure you get that he’s going to have a lot of sex in the movie and be all mopey about it.

Anyway…

First and foremost of why this movie is not sad at all, Michael Fassbender is great looking and has a big penis.

BOOM!

CHECKMATE!

GAME OVER!

WHATEVER!

What else do you need?

Oh wait, there’s more. Fassbender is smart, wealthy, has a great apartment, and the kicker of it all —- absolutely every girl wants to have his dong inside them … including his sister. Ok, the last part is kind of weird, but that’s just how damn good looking and attractive and everything Fassbender is. Am I wrong in thinking that it’s difficult for me to feel bad for a guy who is great looking and has every objectively good thing going for him and I’m supposed to feel bad for him because he doesn’t feel completely fulfilled in life having sex with gorgeous women all the time? Oh yeah, he’s a fucking sad sack that he gets to sleep with New York’s finest each and every day.

You know what would’ve been sad? An ugly dude who was a sex addict. Let’s take a 5’6″ chubby balding man who has a below 90 IQ and sweeps up at your local McDonalds and the only thing that makes him happy is fucking hot chicks. Guess what? No hot chicks or any chicks are fucking this guy. That’s a fucking sad movie. Fassbender dicking two gorgeous prostitutes at the same time is not sad… that’s glorious. I felt like I should’ve paid double the money to see that. Oh, did I forget to mention that Fassbender is also playing an Irish born with a slight Irish accent in the movie, so I’m sure that doesn’t help him score with EVERY FUCKING GIRL EVER… oh wait it does.

Also, let me skip forward and tell you that NOTHING bad happens to Michael Fassbender. Nothing. He doesn’t get his dick chopped off or an STD or anything. At one point, Fassbender tells a girl at a bar that he wants to go down on her and gets graphic about it and even fingers her at the bar a little and her boyfriend comes round and Fassbender literally tells him exactly what just happened and what happens next? Fassbender gets sucker punched twice and kicked twice. BIG FUCKING DEAL! Am I the only one who has been in a bar fight or a fight at a frat house that was started by spilled beer and too much salty language? I’ve been punched in the throat for just standing too close to a fight. I didn’t get to talk dirty to a chick and then finger blast her first. So, that’s the worst thing that happens to Fassbender. ABSOLUTELY THE WORST THING!

On this wild night of hand sodomy, Fassbender does find himself at an after hours gay bar which is exactly what you would and should expect – full on sex on every available piece of solid footing. So, this is supposed to be this really bad scene where Fassbender has decided to go gay. What happens? Some Hispanic man happily gives Fassbender a blowjob. Shame? This movie should be called I FUCKING WON THE FUCKING LOTTERY YOU FUCKS! Well, in all honesty, if you’re gay or bi or open-minded to men having sex with other men, then what’s the big fucking deal with this scene? Who fucking cares?! It’s not like Fassbender has a wife and kids or anything. I mean a free blowjob is about the best deal you’re ever going to get as a man on this crazy spinning rock we call Earth. I would imagine there’s a high probability that when you enter a house of homosexual male sex that you might have to get a penis in the butt. I would imagine that idea has to be at least entertained. Not so much with Fassbender because guys just want to give him a BJ and they’re completely cool with that.

A lot of people might point to what happens with Carey Mulligan as sad. Well… I guess.

So, Carey plays Fassbender’s sister and the two of them have a creepy relationship to say the least. They’re way too cool with being around each other naked and let each others’ sexy bits rub against each others’ sexy bits. Now, the sad stuff that could’ve happened to this fictional character would’ve happened in the past. We don’t get any answers as to why they are the way they are. Were they molested? Maybe… to … probably. But we don’t see that or hear about it. Carey’s character is a weirdo as much as Fassbender is, but the worst thing that happens to her in the movie ends up ok. Carey tries to commit suicide by slitting her wrists. That sounds bad. But… she’s fucking fine! She ends up ok in the hospital. Also, it’s not the first time she tried doing it either. Not to say that isn’t bad, but it would’ve been a fuck ton worse if she died, which she doesn’t. It’s almost crazy that she doesn’t die because who knows when she did slit her wrists and how long she was bleeding out before Fassbender finds her covered in crimson in his bathroom and then proceeds to give basically zero medical attention.

Ummmmm… a fucking tourniquet would’ve helped I’m guessing. I’m no doctor, but I think you should probably put a tourniquet on both of her arms and bandage the wounds and maybe even soak her wounds in freezing ice water to slow the bleeding. JUST A FUCKING GUESS! Either way, none of that matters because he calls 911 and they save her life.

What else?

Oh right, Fassbender’s boss fucks Carey Mulligan in the movie on Fassbender’s bed. That is probably the worst thing that happens in the movie. I would probably have to quit my job if I had to take orders from a guy who one and done-d my sister in my own bed. That’s creepy shit. But that’s really not that big of a deal. It was consensual sex and he already knew that his boss was an adulterer.

What else?

Oh right, Fassbender’s sex addiction means he loves porn. Like more than I or any other male does… slightly. He looks at it all day at work – who doesn’t – and his job finds out his computer is filled with porn, but they don’t blame him and instead guess it is some intern. Fassbender also throws away all his porn at some point in the movie, so isn’t that a good thing? Oh and Fassbender jerks off at work. BIG FUCKING DEAL. Whatever gets you threw the day. He’s apparently really good at his job – another plus for Fassbender – while being a creep who masturbates in a public toilet. I was fully expecting a scene or multiple scenes of Fassbender being a real pervert and pulling his dong out at inopportune times and getting in trouble for that, but none of that happens. He actually has his shit together for someone who is supposed to be out of control.

Hmmmm… is there any other scene in the movie that is supposed to be sad that really isn’t?

Hookers. Fassbender pays for sex a couple times in the movie. Big deal? Nope. Do you want to know why? Because we’re not talking about the sex industry at all. We’re not focusing on if it is sad for these women to sell their bodies and maybe they were pulled into the sex trade blah blah blah. Nope. Not at all. We’re viewing this from Fassbender’s perspective. What happens? The dude calls for a prostitute and then a gorgeous prostitute shows up. AMAZING! Also, Fassbender isn’t hurting for cash so it’s a win-win situation for him. On the flip side, even if we were watching this from the prostitute’s perspective, I’m sure having sex with Fassbender is a walk in the fucking park compared to some of the other low lives that they are forced to have sex with for money.

LASTLY… Fassbender isn’t even into anything kinky.

At the end of the day, I would have expected a sex addict to be a real fucking deviant and want to be peed on while watchingMerry Poppinsand yelled at in German by a woman older than his grandmother. That’s what a sad sex addict is. Some dude who likes to have sex with GORGEOUS women isn’t a “sex addict” as much as a fucking “sane man”. Sure, we have to be really serious and see that he isn’t smiling afterward or whatever. Big deal, buddy. I’m sure having athletic sex with super models is not the worst hobby you can spend your days doing even if it doesn’t fulfill you like it should. The craziest thing that Fassbender does it get blown by a dude as mentioned and unless you’re Rick Santorum and think a blowie with a mustache is going to bring the end of modern civilization then seeing Fassbender get one really should be a “is that fucking it?” moment for you.

Shameis a good movie.

Michael Fassbender definitely should’ve been nominated for the Oscar’s best actor (with Gosling and Gosling winning for Drive). I thought it was well shot, well directed, well acted, and was an interesting movie. But let’s be honest, it’s a cinematic achievement in its own right trying to make this guy’s life seem depressing when it’s about every guy’s wet dream.

And who knows… maybe in a week or two Mulligan and Fassbender adopt a golden retriever and they live happily ever after.

Happy Wednesday!

Happy Hump day and things. I mean I hope you’re humping. I do. I really do. And I hope for other things for you besides the humping, but I hope for those things and let’s not make a big deal about it. It’s not like I’m ever invited to these humpings or other things you’re all so busily involved with, so don’t get all bent out of shape I didn’t throw an exclamation point mark after the hump day. There’s only so much exclaiming I …

Well, I was typing about something up there, but that was about 10 minutes ago. While typing that paragraphita about hump day excitement or lack of it, someone rang my doorbell (not a sexual innuendo, but could be). I open the door and there is a woman neighbor who informs me that the reason she is handling two grocery bags of herbs at my door is because she’s going on a 3 week vacation to Minnesota and she would like to know if I wanted any of these herbs because they’re going to go bad in her refrigerator and she’s giving away some to everyone in the neighborhood. Honestly, why would I say no to the most absurd request ever? Can you take my herbs? I guess I can.

White people, am I right?

Black people wish they had these problems. I’m going on vacation for a month and I’m worried about my herbs.

That’s literally whats going in OG, NJ. What a country?!

Also, there’s a 99% chance these herbs will go unused in this household. They will die here! Anyway…

I guess it’s about time to get on with the post.

BIRDS!

I was at one time a bird owner.

Yes, it’s true! I swear to you on the herbs!

Actually, it’s partially untrue because the birds were never in fact mine, but they were my sister’s. At the ripe old age of maybe second grade, my sister fell in love (probably for a week) with the idea of owning birds. Yes, birds! And as my parents liked to do, they fulfilled they absurd request of my sister. Mind you, we owned a dog. We owned one of the greatest dogs to ever dog in all of history – Nikki, a West Highland white terrier. Regardless, the Newmarks – with zero experience as a whole – were now going to entrust the life of a bird in the hands of maybe a 7 year old who has a well documented history of flights of fancy.

The short story is our family owned 3 birds over the span of less than 6 months and never again.

Prepare yourself for the little bit longer story of these three birds…

Pee Wee

This is not a picture of Pee Wee and he/she’s also androgynous sex slave. No, this is a picture of an African Lovebird, which was the type of bird Pee Wee was… he/she so shortly was. This fixation with birds all started for my sister on a trip to the Pittsburgh Aviary with her Brownies troop.

Upon entering the Aviary, an African Lovebird of similar look as the picture above would swoop in and land on the shoulder of a person entering the building and would greet the people. All very Disney and worked all too well on my sister who shortly thereafter pronounced that she wanted an African Lovebird and my parents found that to be A-OK. I’ll never understand this weird fascination of ours (Americans? Maybe the world over?) to allow small children to rear a wild animal they have no business being in charge of. From chameleons to ant farms to guinea pigs to African Lovebirds – a small child will be a terrible master for these creatures, but we love the idea of giving them one. … … and shortly thereafter cleaning up the mess of the animal that child neglected and killed.

The first bird was Pee Wee. My mother researched – PRE-INTERNET – African Lovebirds and found some person who was a bird breeder of sorts and bought a miniature African Lovebird and brought it home and my sister named it Pee Wee. Let me also emphasize the “it”. I don’t know much about birds apparently, but what I’ve been told is that until they start mating it’s difficult to tell which is a male or a female. Anyway… Pee Wee came home to our abode in Pittsburgh where a bright eyed family quickly fell in love with this bird that could fly and sit on your shoulder if you called to it. It was magical. We were the Pittsburgh Aviary entrance hall in our house! We were communicating with birds! We were creating a bond with them! It was Pee Wee! The first of the bird kind to open this world to our middle class white mixed faith suburban family! It was absolute paradise … for a week until Pee Wee died in the middle of the night from a pre-existing digestive problem.

WHY?! PEE WEE! WHY?!

Yep. Pee Wee died pretty much the week we bought him.

Unfazed, the Newmarks looked onward to a second bird. One bird dying in their household within the lunar cycle wasn’t going to deter us – NO! So, my mother returned to the breeder and got…

Snuggles

I don’t know what Snuggles looked like nor do I know what type of bird Snuggles was. Snuggles could have been another African Lovebird, but it really doesn’t matter too much for this tale.

Snuggles was greeted with open arms into our family to replace the cherished Pee Wee. Right away, Snuggles wasn’t exactly looking to “snuggle”. The person who interacted the most with the birds is who you can imagine – my mom. As our doting father was away in the wild world of buying men’s wear for Ross Stores, my mom tried her best at raising two children and the prized Westie. As I was only 3 or 4 or so at the time, I was not in charge of the bird. I mostly looked up at the cage in the same inquisitive awe as Nicki. Meanwhile, my sister had little interaction with the bird as well because she’s in elementary school and too busy playing with Barbies and playing with her friends. Snuggles was left to mother.

Snuggles liked to bite. That was Snuggles’ first problem. Apparently, the breeder told my mom that she needed to play with Snuggles more and create more of a bond with the bird. How does one go about doing this? Releasing said bird into the confines of one’s bathroom and trying to “play” with it. Oh, I’m sure that would have gone very well. An aggressive/bitey bird flapping around crazy like in a bathroom with my mom screaming along to the terror. Sure. Great advice.

What was the real kicker with Snuggles was it’s obsessive masturbation.

Yes, you read that correctly. Snuggles enjoyed rubbing itself back and forth on it’s perch at a frantic pace. My mom had enough of the sexually deviant biter and returned Snuggles after a couple weeks to the breeder. The breeder apologized profusely and gave us a third bird that would solve all of our problems.

Freckles

Freckles had a few dark spots around its head and neck and my sister called the bird Freckles.

I really don’t have too much to say about Freckles. He/she was a decent bird. Not the cartoon-like Pee Wee, not the sex predator like Snuggles. But Freckles was a decent bird.

After a few weeks of owning Freckles, my mom went to a pet store and decided to upgrade Freckles living arrangements. A water feeder bottle with tube and similarly a food feeder with bottle and tube were purchased and attached to Freckles’ cage. What could possibly go wrong? Minus Freckles found dead the very next morning, everything was perfectly fine.

YEP! Freckles died. From what? Maybe it killed itself with its new contraptions is probably the best guess, but either way Freckles was dead and so was the era of being a bird owner for the Newmarks. Three birds, all gone, all within 6 months.

Just for your edification, lovebirds are known to live well over 10 years old.

In Conclusion…

I don’t understand bird ownership.

I don’t want to lock one in a cage.

I don’t want to try and form a bond with it in my bathroom.

I don’t get it.

Thank you.

Happy Tuesday!

Yes, I am bleary eyed as bleary eyed can possibly be. It took me forever to fall asleep last night. In part due to my quest for something entertaining. I watched Conan the television show on TBS, but besides the red rooster of late night comedy, there is not one show that I watch on Monday or Tuesday. I really was hurting for something good. I ended up watching the second half of a documentary on UFC middleweight champion Anderson Silva called Like Water which is dreadfully boring for the most part. I watched the first half a month ago and forgot about it. I love Anderson, but this documentary’s point could have been made in 20 minutes let alone 90. After that, it was midnight, but I’m still rearing to go. I felt unsatisfied. I wanted at least a good half hour of entertainment, of mental pleasure before I could sleep the maddeningly odd dreams that I do dream (Nick Offerman with a cake serving knife trying to stab my friend as he fought back with the bottom of a bar stool, and a pair of athletic tape cutting scissors).

First, I went through all 50 movie channels. Nothing. Nothing even remotely interesting. The “best” option seemed to be Colombiana because I haven’t seen it and it was about to start and how bad could a movie be about Zoe Saldana as an expert assassin.

Second, I went through some of the OnDemand. I noticed a couple movies that I could possibly watch for 20 minutes, be happy, and then fall asleep. I saw Midnight Run with Robert DeNiro and Charles Grodin. I try to play it and it says there is a glitch in the Matrix and my OnDemand can’t play that movie. At this point, I’ve wasted a good 10 minutes, so I might as well just watch Colombiana.

Third, I start watching Colombiana and in a word it’s HORRIBLE. Every second of film made me more and more depressed that I had watched the second previous. How difficult is it to make a movie with sexy ass Zoe Saldana playing a master assassin? Pretty difficult apparently because this movie was BORING, SLOW, and … stupid seems mean, but c’mon – it was stupid.

Fourth, I’m back to the OnDemand screen. I look for more movies. I spend a solid 10 – 20 minutes going through all the categories. Nothing is really piquing my interest. I go onto Netflix and look at my instant queue and debate watching something on my computer. I go back to OnDemand, I go back to the digital cable guide, I go back to the computer… Next thing I know it’s 2:30 am and I haven’t watched anything I have liked and need to go to sleep.

The two cups of coffee I just chugged are helping…

Now, onto the post part of the post.

Yesterday, I showed pictures of Kristen Stewart from Coachella. While looking up those pictures, I stumbled upon pictures of the other celebrities there. As mentioned, all people attending Coachella are unwashed. They must have German Shepherds at the gates sniffing for any traces of soap or lavender or perfume of any sort and if you do then you’re fucked. If you smell of greasy skin, cigarettes, and the remnants of a burrito from the other night then you’re cool because – millionaire or hundredaire –  no one is allowed in showered.

One celebrity’s outfit struck me for many reasons and left me questioning many aspects of said reality…

The first being…

Where the fuck is Eric Roberts?

Of course, I’m referring to evidence A…

Uhhhhhhh….

Ohhhhhhh….

Ihhhhhhhh….

Ehhhhhhh….

Ahhhhhhhh….

Hmmmmmm…..

Ahhhhhhhh….

Ehhhhhhhh….

Ihhhhhhhh….

Ohhhhhhh….

Uhhhhhhh…..

I’m guessing Eric Roberts hasn’t seen this lack of outfit or his daughter Emma Roberts barely covered by it.

I’m guessing that because GOOD FUCKING GOD SHE’S WEARING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Sincerely, if Emma was wearing nipple pasties instead of this string of material across her nipples – would there really be much of a difference? As for the shorts, they’re barely in existence and she’s already unbuttoned half of little was covering her. This very well may be the absolute least there could be to consider the person wearing anything at all.

I’ve also noticed in many of these pictures for Coachella that girls are wearing no pants. None. Just nothing covering their legs. Their legs from foot to half an inch from penetration are completely uncovered. It looks hot in the pictures, but where the hell is Coachella held? The surface of Mars? You’re not wearing any pants! It’s in California, which I guess is the surface of Mars. In the background of Coachella pictures you’ll see guys wearing pants and in the foreground you’ll see the 2nd lead from a CW show and she’ll be wearing a thong and a sarong made of tissue paper.

So, where the fuck is Eric Roberts in this equation?

I know Emma is 21 (just looked that up) and she’s probably making low 7 figures in whatever it is she does, but C’MON MAN! I’d rather be seen as the enemy for the rest of her life than let my daughter out in public in that “outfit”. I don’t have kids of any variety, but there has to be a compromise made that she cannot go out dressed like that. Literally, Paris Hilton was at this same event and was wearing 10x more clothing than Emma Roberts. Paris fucking Hilton! PARIS HILTON! Even, Kristen Stewart who we know is not wearing pants because that girl’s thighs want it just as much as her face and she has a tough time wrangling those girls into a pair of skinny wranglers because they just want to free and feeling the breeze and so on, so she wasn’t wearing pants, but she certainly didn’t have her tiny shorts in a state of unbuttoned tension as well as Kristen did wear an actual shirt or shirt like construct as opposed to Emma who is I’m assuming wearing a waistband from a pair of men’s boxers around her teeny tinies.

Besides compromise, I would absolutely get into a fight with Emma, if I was her dad, to the point that she would be so furious and sad she wouldn’t even want to go to the concert. That’s an option in my head as her fictional padre. I’m just going to make her so upset she can’t dress like a Woodstock sexual assault victim. Seriously, I barely trust having a person stand behind me at an ATM whether it is an old senile grandmother or a texting tween. I give them some dirty fucking looks and memorize their face because in that week if they have somehow stolen my ATM code – I will find them and kill them like Liam Neeson in Taken. So, besides like not wanting my daughter to dress whore-ier than Paris Hilton, I would also need to go to Coachella with her and a loaded twin set of UZIs cocked and ready as well as the B team of The Expendables (Dolph, Crews, Couture) and we would all be prepared to murder kill anyone who looked at Emma for more than 5 seconds. You get all you want out of looking from 1-4 seconds, but 5 and over means your life!

Not to say Emma Roberts dressed as slutty and as attention whorey as this for all of Coachella…

Oh nevermind, she did.

Is this the opposite or reverse psychology of the hat and fake beard for young celebrities? Are they trying to dress so outlandish that the paparazzi will think to themselves “that can’t be Emma Roberts because she’s a classy lady and this is clearly like hooker attire for the Nascar hotel in Las Vegas”. Is that it? Or is it that they are going to give the paparazzi at least something picture worthy to take a picture of. Might as well show off the goods if they’re going to photograph me anyway.

I honestly would go fucking insane if this was my daughter and this is what she was wearing.

The reason why I know I would be furious is because I’m not her father and I know how happy it makes me to see hot chicks dress more provocatively than I’m even imaging in my dreams. Like a chick in a pair of yoga pants can be satisfying enough let alone when they’re basically strutting around naked. It’s like they’re doing the job for me. Here is the outfit your perverted mind wants me to be wearing and boom they’re actually in that outfit. Who knew a bikini with a 100% see thru barely there mesh oversized t-shirt was an outfit perfectly acceptable for someone to wear? I didn’t. I love that it is because I’m of no relation to these people and I can just sit back and bask in the glow of a near naked Emma Roberts strutting around.

I do want to point out that there was at least one day of Coachella (how long was this fucking concert? I see pictures of celebrities in like 150 outfits – is it an entire month? Coachella year?) that Emma tried her best to not dress as an anime porn character.

Oh my God! What a fucking prude?! What was it prude day at Coachella? Seriously…

Emma Roberts must’ve been boiling alive in that outfit. I mean it’s covering her stomach and it’s also not unbuttoned in the vagina area. How could she stand all that fabric?! Was this martyr day? There’s no need to be a hero Emma and burden yourself with enough clothing that could still not be passable in most restaurants. If you walked into an Applebees dressed like that – the Applebees people would give you some looks – APPLEBEES! And they’re for everyone feeling good, everyone in the neighborhood. But the flower power prostitute may not be allowed to feel good in the neighborhood Applebees because it’s X-rated.

Lastly, God bless Emma Roberts.

Seriously.

There’s a slim very slim chance I’ll meet Emma Roberts. Also, it’s even slimmer that in this chance encounter she’ll strip naked for me just for the hell of it. What is great about this world is that you don’t need to meet people any more to see them naked. They are willing to get naked or dress almost naked just out and about and allow people to take pictures of them and post them on the internet. I literally have to do zero leg work. I don’t even have to wait for Emma to appear in a movie where she tries to prove her new “adult image” by stripping naked for everyone to prove to us that she needs  to be taken seriously. Nothing is more serious than a nude chick, right? Or at the very least a topless chick? Anyway, we don’t even need to wait for that to happen because Coachella is here and girls are basically showing up to it nude to listen to Rihanna play the same songs that are playing every 5 seconds on the radio. I love this world. Thank you, Emma.

Thank you.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, I’m sorry.

Happy Monday!

I hope you had a great weekend filled with wonderful things like fine wine, scrumptious food, uproarious laughter, and, maybe, you had the pleasure of either probing someone’s holes with your sex organ and/or had your holes probed by someone’s sex organ. Just saying, that would be cool too.

But back to the story at hand…

KRISTEN STEWART LIED TO US ALL!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY LORD?! I MEAN LORDESS! WHY DO YOU LIE TO US SO? WHY HAS THY LORDESS OF WANT DECEIVED US?! WHAT CAN WE DO TO CHANGE SUCH DECEPTION?! WHAT CAN WE DO TO BE LOVED BY YOUR SINCERITY ONCE AGAIN?!

I am, of course, referring to this…

THIS!

No, wantess. No!

Of course, the backstory on this picture is Kristen Stewart – the chosen child of the want-ocalypse – attended the Coachella music festival.

If you are unaware of what the Coachella music festival is, let me explain:

At one time, it was held for people who wanted to listen to music. In recent years, it has transformed into being a landscape for 1. young celebrities looking unwashed and dressed dramatically poorly, so they can be photographed as such to show they are real people too; 2. non-celebrities looking unwashed and dressed dramatically poorly, so they can act a fool in public and then be cellphone pictured or videoed and turned into a viral star on youtube or websites like The Chive.

Here Kristen Stewart has fallen suit and is also unwashed, and dressed pretty terribly, but that is all find and good as mentioned that is what apparently NEEDS to happen at Coachella. No one must look clean at Coachella.

But the LIE, the DECEPTION, the AFFRONT TO ALL OF US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!……………..

I’m sure you can see it already. ALREADY!!!!!

But for those few, those very very few, who have not figured out our Princess and Queen of Unending Want’s lie, I will help thee…

I’m just tinkering with highly calibrated computer to be able to create this masterful work… and… enhance!

AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

FOR SHAME!!!! FOR!!!! SHAME!!!!

I’m talking about the Baltimore Orioles baseball cap.

Don’t you see it?

You don’t seem to be freaking out about this as much as you should.

I’m not alone here, am I?

Am I the only one here who remembers what Kristen Stewart was wearing two years ago at the same festival of Coachella?

It was something that went against all that is holy in this picture.

Seriously?! What the fuck, people?

Fine.

Fine, I’ll help you out. I won’t forget that you have forgotten.

Here is Kristen Stewart at Coachella in 2010. I’m sure there is a good explanation as to why Kristen Stewart is dressed like a member of Good Charlotte, but we’ll not focus on the b-boy style of the picture on the left as much as the hat in both pictures.

Do you finally see it?!

That is a Los Angeles Dodgers baseball hat.

Doesn’t look at all like a Baltimore Orioles hat does it?

DOES IT?!

Look, I’m ok with the fact that Kristen Stewart tried to pass herself off as a transgender at the 2010 Coachella festival. 2010 was a strange time for all of us. We were electing tea baggers into prominent political positions, Lady Gaga’s opinion held a lot of sway, and none of us knew that “games” could “hunger” or at least hunger as much as they do now. So, that’s fine. But! But Kristen Stewart offered us a view into her soul, besides all the eternal want and such, and in that soul was the fandom for a particular professional baseball team based in the city of angels in California.

It was something we knew about her.

It was something that connected us to Kristen Stewart.

What’s Kristen Stewart’s favorite baseball team? The Los Angeles Dodgers. It was simple, it was easy, and it was the answer I knew for the question I was asked at least 10 times a day. Kristen’s favorite baseball team? Dodgers. She’s a Dodgers’ girl. You knew it, I knew it, and with that we felt a little close to the enchantress of wanting.

But… we were living in a fucking dream world apparently. A fucking dream world!

Two year later, there she is. There she is flaunting a fucking Orioles cap right in our face. The fucking Orioles!

First off, the Orioles are an American league team. Did you just sides too? You were a National league fan two years ago and now you’re on the American side? I don’t buy it. I don’t buy it all.

I have read statistical research from top universities that there has never been a Los Angeles Dodgers fan to ever convert to be a Baltimore Orioles fan and it is impossible to do so. It is impossible!

I’m even wondering if Kristen Stewart likes baseball at all. … hmmm… well, that’s silly. Of course, she likes baseball. I mean she’s American after all. And why would she even wear the hats with the teams on it if she didn’t have a fondness of the sport. That would just be too fucking stupid. I’m sorry. I got a little nuts there. My cynicism got the best of me. Of course, Kristen Stewart likes baseball.

Now the question is, can Kristen Stewart read?

Is that the problem? I mean if Kristen Stewart can’t read them maybe she picked the Baltimore Orioles hat up thinking it could be a Los Angeles Dodgers hat, but she can’t read and wouldn’t know that it said Orioles and not Dodgers. Be honest with me for a moment, have you ever seen Kristen Stewart read? Literally, read? Then how can we ever know for sure she can. This a complete possibility. Kristen was home schooled by a pack of dingos and tigers and wolf hybrids as far as I know and it wasn’t that they were illiterate it was that they allowed Kristen to act at such an early age that she never had the time to learn to read. You don’t have to know how to read to be an actor. Just memorize the lines and recite. Parrots can memorize words and say them, but they can’t read or at least all of them can’t read like the majority of them. Sure some parrots do pick up a general understanding of the written language because of the newspaper that is lining the bottom of the cage, but they hardly read to pick up a Jonathan Franzen novel and embracing the complexities. So, Kristen Stewart can’t read. That is a possible reality we are facing.

Either way, she’s been lying to us.

Kristen Stewart has either been lying for the past two years that she is a Los Angeles Dodgers fan, she is current lying to us that she is a Baltimore Orioles fan, she is lying to us that she can read, or the slimmest of possibilities Kristen Stewart has no nerve endings at the top of her head and cannot feel that there is a baseball hat on her head and someone is placing the baseball cap up there ever so gently not to stir her and then she walks around so gracefully, just wanting everything, and is never made aware of the treason that is taking place just above her eye brows. In that case, Kristen Stewart is lying to us that she has proper working nerve endings on the top of her head.

I don’t know what to believe anymore.

I saw The Cabin in the Woods. It was good. It was 80% comedy and 20% horror. I was thoroughly surprised about how much of a comedy it was. It was good and definitely an interesting idea. It was more a commentary on the ridiculousness and formulaic mess that is the horror movie industry. What does it say about us the viewer? What does it say about the creators? And, in the end, it’s just a joke. I do not like horror movies, so I can walk away from the movie saying “Yep, they nailed it. This is why I don’t watch horror movies.” But horror movie fans are walking away from it agreeing, but believing that this movie should force horror movie directors to get more creative. But I don’t think it’s a lack of creativity in most regards as much as it is the limits of the genre. Horror is there for those cheap thrills. They’re a roller coaster ride. People want that fear, that rush, and so forth, but it to not be real. Horror movies are just that. Or should be.

Either way, The Cabin in the Woods is a comedy making fun of horror movies, so if you’re worried about being scared – don’t be. I’m the first to admit, I’m a big pussy when it comes to horror movies. I get scared by them. I have an overactive imagination and I will freak myself the fuck out. But Cabin isn’t that.

Game of Thrones was good. I was hoping this week’s episode would have the shadow assassin baby birth and it did. HBO nailed that scene. I was very curious how that would look and it looked really good. We’ll see how the second half of that season looks next week I suppose. The stuff with Arya was also well done. Besides incest, there is an obscene amount of torture in these books. If you’re weren’t busy fucking your flesh and blood then you were partaking in torture. Surprisingly, for a book about dragons and winter zombies, there are little of either and much more torture and incest. There’s also a lot of talk about food preparation.

Veep was ok. It had a few funny parts, but the overall tone was odd. I’ll keep watching, but I’m not in love with it.

Girls was good again. Men get a real bad rap in this show so far. I’m being totally honest with you here, I have never had sex with a girl and told her out loud that I’m imagining her as a little schoolgirl that I picked up on a street corner who wanted drugs and now I’m fucking her and I’m going to send her back home covered in my semen. I’ve never ever ever said that to a girl while I was having sex with her. I mean I thought it, but I’ve never said it. … I’m kidding. Eh, what do I care. You can’t judge me. You’re on the flip side imagining you’re Jackson Rathbone getting buttsexed by Edward Cullen, so you have solid ground to stand on.

Mad Men was good. Typical Mad Men, not much happens in the grand scheme of things, but the little they do is always wild and interesting. Who doesn’t flip out on a client at work, almost get fired, drink Canadian whiskey, go to a movie at lunch, get high off a stranger’s joint, give a handy to that stranger’s joint, go back to work and pass out and have a conversation with a co-worker while you’re drunk about them being a baby from a concentration camp? That’s what I like to call Tuesday. You know what I’m saying? Or there was Roger taking LSD, which was also very funny and made me feel like a bad host because I had friends over on Saturday and I didn’t offer them any hallucinogenic drugs.

How was your weekend?

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