KSWI Presents: Remebering The Second Half of 2012′s Movies

Guten tag, verführerinnen!

I have been living the holiday life of sweat pants and sleeping in late and well… that’s what I do all the time, but now I’m doing it with my lady and many times I forget to post when I’m with my lady. Either way, I’m posting today, so BE HAPPY ABOUT IT!

If you’re wondering about the stash of presents I received for Christmas…

Clothes, a popcorn maker, a gas grill, accoutrements for gas grill, a class on food and wine pairing, a bottle of bourbon, and… what was that last thing… oh right… a

KATANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!KATANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KATANATANANTANTANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KAKAKAKAKAKAKAKTANANA!!!!!!!!!!!

KATANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So… yep.

I’m just going to say that if you ever show up to my domicile unannounced, you will not be shot. Nope. You’ll never be shot by a gun. BUT… you may have your ass sliced by samurai sushi style with my katana blade like I’m Toshihiro Mifune as Yojimbo and/or for younger American folks as Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.

Now, let’s get to the heart of this post…

In July, I posted a list of the movies that I had seen up until that point with little mini-reviews. I shall do the same for the second half of the movies from 2012. If you want to get yourself reacquainted with the first half…

https://kristenstewartwantsit.wordpress.com/2012/07/10/kswi-presents-remebering-the-first-half-of-2012s-movies/

So,

The Dark Knight Rises – Fucking loved it. I loved every second of this movie. I loved Bane, I loved Catwoman, I loved Batman, I loved that this movie made me cry, I loved the Scarecrow showing up again, I loved the middle Eastern fairytale jail, I loved that part where Batman took the time to write his own symbol on the bridge in fire, I loved that Batman had to be killed by a fucking atom bomb, I loved all of it. I think this movie felt like it was an entire graphic novel being read to you more than any other comic book movie. It was wonderful.

Safety Not Guaranteed – Great. It’s the best indie rom-com you’ll see this year, easily. I thought it was funny and filled with heart. I know it didn’t get much attention, but it should have. The movie is really focused on 4 characters and each one of them are thoroughly enjoyable when the movie shifts to them. I wasn’t bored at any moment and I was really interested in what would happen next. If you like silly, funny, but kind of serious movies that are a little out there (if you don’t then you need to start) then you need to see this movie. One of the better films I saw all year.

The Campaign – Funny, but slightly forgettable. Both actors have done much better work and much better work recently. It was a good idea for a movie and it is pulled off pretty well. It’s definitely got more than enough laughs for a rental if you didn’t see it.

(partial) Cosmopolis – I didn’t watch the whole thing. I watched the first 30 minutes. I was pretty bored after 30 minutes and I had absolutely no want to go back to see the other 60 or 90 or how many other boring minutes are out there. I haven’t read anything that makes me think I’m missing much either.

The Expendables 2 – Terrible. I guess this movie is better than the first Expendables, but not by much. Expendables was TERRIBLE and Expendables 2 was TERRiBLE if you catch my drift. It is nice that they had a more interesting villain in Jean Claude Van Damme, but they didn’t do much beyond cast him to make his character interesting. The action sequences are beyond dull. And the formula from the first movie is the same, each character has one extended dialogue sequence that is the character’s only exposition that is all sorts of uncomfortable, awkward, and unenlightening. Terrible movie. I won’t be seeing the third if/when it comes out sometime next year.

Lawless – It’s not bad, but it’s not good. It kind of sits there undecided whether it’s going to go all out and do something really bad on screen, meanwhile has little to no feeling of feeling like the movie it should feel like and be good. For a movie directed by John Hillcoat, it feels like anything but his work. The storyline is arguably interesting at best and the best actor in the movie speaks in grunts and sighs. It’s only a good commercial to read the book it is based on to figure out if the book is as nothing special or was there a lot written out of the movie. Who knows. Who cares. Better luck next time for all that were involved.

The Master – Loved it. I’m not sure why this movie didn’t receive either the fan fare or the critical praise that I thought it was due. It’s an intense movie and it’s intense in conversation over actual action. It’s a psychological portrait of a character told through psychological sitdowns and conversations and so forth. It’s a movie about id vs. super ego and it’s shot more beautifully than anything else that came out this year or most years. As far as the scientology aspects, they are certainly there. But it is more of a hard look at all religion, philosophy, political orientation and the like where one becomes a member of a line of thinking and leaves behind being an entity unto themselves. All in the movie acted brilliantly.

Dredd 3D – Oh Olivia. Olivia Thirlby. She’s actually quite good in the movie. The movie itself is kind of ho hum for all the gory violence and gory violence dialogue. There are definitely some positives in Dredd, but they’re kind of few and far between. The storyline is thin and the movie is based around slow motion as a gimmick and it never really crosses over into being an integral part of the plot. I thought the movie was average in the end – the pros and cons balanced each other out. Even the idea of it being an improvement on the Stallone Judge Dredd is a discussion. Is it less of a kid’s movie? Sure, but it’s not much of an adult movie either. It’s a better caliber of movie in a sense, but it’s also not as fun. So, who knows. It’s certainly a good rental if you see all action movies and you want to see another.

End of Watch – It’s better than I expected and I did expect it to be quite good. I like Jake Gyllenhall and I like Michael Pena and I like Anna Kendrick even though she’s not in the movie that much. The main two of Jake and Michael do a good job of making the movie feel personal and that they’re buds and that they’re cops. The movie itself starts strong and as it gets further into the meat of the storyline it gets a little ahead of itself and random. It’s clear that David Ayer (writer/director) needs a good editor. I mean a life editor. He needs someone to come in and round the edges and make sure the pieces actually fit and that things make sense or are needed. All of his movies have that feel and so does this one. This is definitely his best effort as a director and his best effort as a writer since Training Day, but no where near Training Day. Definitely a solid rental. If you don’t like cursing though then don’t see it. They curse so many times it’s as if the only words in the script were curse words.

Looper – I liked it a lot. I couldn’t give you a number out of 10 to represent how I liked it or a letter grade, but I can say that while watching the movie I was never not interested in what was going to happen next. That’s a big compliment because that’s not always the case even with good movies. The movie is far from perfect with a bunch of flaws, but it’s a fun fucking movie. I can’t express how entertained I was by this movie and that’s what it comes down to. It entertained me and I liked it a lot for that. The storyline gets kind of out of control. I had no clue heading into the movie that the movie was going to end up like that movie did, but I enjoyed it while I watched it. As far as the big deal of Joseph Gordon Levitt having prosthetics to make him look like Bruce Willis… I’m doing the universal sign of “C’mon” which is the handjob to an invisible penis. At no point does Levitt look like Willis and/or vice versa and at no point was that ever a necessary. They should have just let Levitt look like Levitt and the movie would have been exactly the same. I liked it and that’s what matters in the end.

Argo – First, I really liked this movie. Second, I haven’t seen “Zero Dark Thirty” yet, but I’m guessing that Ben Affleck will win best director this year. I’m not saying it because I think he was the best director or anything, but I do think that’s going to happen. Third, I really liked this movie a lot. I think it was easily one of the best movies to come out this year and I do think Ben Affleck is a talented director. Sure, he does step on his own feet at times with some dialogue choices and with him casting himself, but way more than not is he doing a great job as director. That’s 3 movies in a row where he has directed a movie that will be nominated for Oscars and I can’t wait to see what he does next. Fourth, about Ben acting in the movies, I just find Ben to be distracting at this point. At no point in the movie am I not thinking “that’s Ben Affleck”. I’m just always thinking it. I don’t care what he’s doing, he’s Ben Affleck. i think Ben needs to be in a movie or two where he makes fun of himself. I think he needs some breaking the 4th wall kind of stuff and then maybe he can go back to acting as someone else. Also, he’s still too jacked. He needs to lose some of those action muscles and lean out some. In the movie “Jersey Girl” it was like the single dad was the fucking Hulk with an adorable hispanic daughter.

Wreck-It Ralph – Great. It was exactly what you would want out of a borderline kids/adults movie. It had great action sequences, it had plenty of jokes, it was cuter than can be, and it made me tear up like a little bitch. Yep. I really liked the movie a lot. I think there was one miss in the movie that should’ve been the climax, but whatever. The climax was find, but it could’ve been better and I bet what I’m picturing in my head – all the video game characters come and help defeat the bugs – was storyboarded or talked about and they may have got rid of it because it would’ve been an extra 10 minutes of movie that would’ve cost millions upon millions more. Who knows. But it was a fun movie and worth a watch.

SkyFall – FUCKING AWFUL. Every second of it. Fucking piece of shit movie and all that were involved should be fucking ashamed of themselves. In the first half of the year, I hated every fucking second of that fucking Spider-Man movie. In the second half of the year, I hated every fucking second of this SkyFall movie. I would say it was easily the worst James Bond movie ever made, which is saying something because there are a lot of terrible ones and this was clearly the worst. If this is what we’re looking forward to with more James Bond then fuck that franchise. But I’m apparently in the sane minority because I’m literally seeing this in the top 3 of best movies of the year which makes me want to go on a head chopping spree with my katana.

Lincoln – Good. Not great, but good. It is a throwback film. I mean it feels like a Gregory Peck film from a century ago, but it is in color. Daniel Day-Lewis did a great great job as well as Sally Field and so on and so forth. And I thought it was about the best movie that could be made on ratifying an amendment, but in that there is a limit to how good it could possibly be. The ending is weird, but the climax is great. I couldn’t imagine being wrapped up in the counting of votes of a vote you know the outcome of, but they did a good job with it. Definitely some bad elements in the movie, but overall it was quite good.

Killing Them Softly – Loved it. It’s about as thinking man’s hitman film as you’re ever going to get. It’s a conversational film with characters actually sitting down and talking and the acting is very well done. The action is few and far between, but it hits you like a fucking hammer. It’s a solid effort as both a political metaphor and as a gangster flick. I liked it a lot and I wish more people saw it. Another great piece of work from Andrew Dominick.

(partial) The Man with the Iron Fists – Bad. Not worth it. You know how I said some unflattering things about Dredd, but said that you should still see it… well, don’t see The Man with the Iron Fists. Whatever problems I have with Dredd doesn’t mean the movie is unwatchable. They are valid issues and the movie could have been better as the movie they presented, but The Man with the Iron Fists is a waste of time. It hurts for me to say that because I like these types of movies and I like everyone involved, but from the hour I saw – it’s crap. If you want to go out and see the movies that this movie is supposedly paying homage to then do that. Go see “The Master of the Flying Guillotine” which in my opinion is the best of those 70’s bloody samurai movies. But don’t see this Iron Fists crap.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey – Good, not great. It’s a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy at this point and sure it is wearing a little thin, but it is still enjoyable. The overall feel is still there and it isn’t as good as LotR, but it’s not unwatchable like the Star Wars prequels were to the Star Wars originals. The big knock against this movie is that it’s too much CGI. Also, origin stories usually suck. I’m expecting the second Hobbit movie to be better and I feel very safe and comfortable assuming that. It also made me more excited to see the second one than before.

Jack Reacher – It’s fucking goooooooood. I loved this movie. I think Christopher McQuarrie nailed the “Dirty Harry” and “Bullitt” feel and gave us Tom Cruise as a 1970’s style action detective hero. I didn’t read those books and I don’t care how tall that character is supposed to be. Cruise delivers in this movie and so does the story, so does the tone, so does the pace, so does the dialogue, so does the action, and so does Rosamund Pike’s heaving cleavage. I loved it all.

Jeff, Who Lives At Home – I saw it on TV the other day. It was pretty good. It’s watchable, but nothing you need to go out of your way for. It’s kind of too serious to be funny and too silly to be heartbreaking, so it’s caught in the middle. I liked it enough, but I thought it was unsatisfying. It’s a good movie to watch on TV or to rent for free. I think paying money for it may change your opinion of it. It was good enough I felt. Plus, I can’t dislike any movie with Susan Sarandon kissing a chick in it.

Silver Linings Playbook – Great. In the end, great. I wasn’t sure how I would feel about this movie in the end as some parts of the movie I really liked and others I thought were a little unneeded, but when it was all over I was happy with what I just watched. I think Bradley Cooper does a great job, I think Jennifer Lawrence does a great job, Robert DeNiro does a great job, actually Chris Tucker does a great job in the bits he is in, and really all the actors are great in the movie. And the director – David O. Russell – really nails the manic bipolar shifts that he’s supposed to and he really nails making everyone seem unhinged and crazy. And at the same time, I loved the final message of the movie — Jennifer Lawrence’s boobs are so spectacular they can make even the craziest man sane. That’s beautiful.

Django Unchained – Wow. It was definitely everything one would expect and then some. It is brutal. I thought tone wise QT did a great job of being both horribly racist and funny entertainment. I think the acting was great as usual in his movies. Jamie Foxx goes from confused mute to the black Superman. Christoph Waltz is the tried and true star of the movie for most of it. Leonardo DiCaprio is an evil genius and Samuel L. Jackson is about the only person ever who could have pulled his role off and actually out evil genius Leo. Very entertaining through and through. I really want to see it again. I don’t know how I would rate it against QT’s other movies which I think is unfair to do and at the same time everyone’s natural inclination. But it was great. I loved watching it. And I can’t wait to see it again.

…

..

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As far as what I’ve missed… Some of these movies, I missed because I heard they weren’t that good and I’m not sure if I’ll see them, but I did want to see them at the time. There are probably some others that I’m forgetting, but these are some that come to mind.

“The Do-Deca-Pentathlon”, “Searching for Sugar Man”, “Girl Model”, “The Sessions”, “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World”, “Take This Waltz”, “Mansome”, “Marley”, “Sound of My Voice”, “Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie”, “Bullhead”, “Miss Bala”, “Cloud Atlas”, “Flight”, “The Comedy”, “Life of Pi”, “Rust & Bone”, and “The Central Park Five”.

I’m not against seeing “Les Miserables” and at the same time I’m not really interested in seeing it.

“Zero Dark Thirty”, I want to see it because it is getting such good reviews, but I’m not really psyched for it. It’s coming out around here in January anyway.

I think all told, I’ve seen about 45 movies from this year. It was a pretty good year for movies.

MERRY CHRISTMAS and “Jack Reacher” was gooooooooood

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and that you eat yourself into a temporary coma and possible you drink so much warming booze that your cheeks are rosy both on your face and on your ass and you finally just grab some sexy piece and you get in there and you really… this kind of got out of hand, but I hope you do have a great holiday filled with presents, food, and spirits and maybe the New York Knicks keep winning. That wouldn’t be bad.

Outside of that…

The happy couple above did go and see “Jack Reacher” and we both really liked it a lot.

So, I’ve never read “One Shot” or any of the “Jack Reacher” books by Lee Child. But I would take a guess that Lee Child’s Jack Reacher character is a big rip off of Clint Eastwood’s “Dirty” Harry Callahan. And with that director Christopher McQuarrie made movie “Jack Reacher” a rip off of Clint Eastwood’s “Dirty Harry”. So, whether or not Tom Cruise is 6’5″ or blah blah blah (shut the fuck up, you sizists!), they’re all ripping off the same source material, so it works out.

Tom Cruise for the most part only makes good movies and this is another one.

As Cruise is the star of the show with his surliness, his great detective skills, and his military killing skills. But…

It’s McQuarrie’s direction, tone, and pace of the film that really makes this movie. The movie literally does feel like “Dirty Harry” with a little Steve McQueen’s “Bullitt” thrown in. The movie even begins almost exactly how “Dirty Harry” does. I would say that the gritty and graphic violence at the heart of this movie, which gives the reason for Jack Reacher’s investigation, is even more harrowing and disturbing in light of the public shootings of this year.

The movie is an investigation by Cruise, which is highlighted by a few raw action sequences. While the movie does not have anywhere near the profane dialogue of “The Way of the Gun”, it does carry all the other hallmarks. The people in this movie look like they know what they’re doing. They’re not just using guns, they look like they’ve been trained to use them, and know how to use them in these situations. And the person who makes the right adjustments is the one who wins these altercations.

But if I’m being honest the real star of this movie that definitely has peaked the interest of all that see it and will leave an everlasting stain on their brain forever…

Rosamund Pike’s heaving cleavage.

GOD BLESS US EVERYONE!

In the first 30 minutes, nothing seems to be amiss in the movie or anything truly noteworthy about Ms. Pike’s character who is very pretty as Pike is, but not much more than that.

But at the start of the second act, Rosamund adopts a lot of low cut sweaters like the one above or just tight sweaters and that is when the brilliance of boobs takes over.

As if her gorgeous excessive cleavage heaving was a barometer for how intense the investigation has become.

This picture is really only the tip of the iceberg in the movie.

…

“Jack Reacher” was gooooood.

Christmas is gooooood even to a Bar Mitzvahed boy like me.

I hope you all have a great Christmas.

I’m glad we survived…

Honestly, I wouldn’t have been pissed if I died in the apocalypse.

Seriously, it’s the APOCALYPSE. That seems like the only time it’s ok to die.

But I’m happy none of us had to die because there’s 2 weeks left in the NFL season, I haven’t see Django Unchained yet, I love you all, there’s so much scotch that I want to drink, I’ve never been to South America, there’s that Minka Kelly sex tape out there that I hope I get to see before the end of the world, Game of Thrones season 3 isn’t too far away, Ommegang is making Game of Thrones beers, I’d like to have children someday, I never saw Japandroids in concert, and that Superman movie is coming out next year and I want to see that… just to name a few.

Well… Cory Booker is running for Senate.

Makes sense. Can’t wait to see Booker run for President. If it’s true that the taller man always wins then the GOP needs to wrangle up a 6’7″ former NBA-er or something.

Hmmmm… movies?

JACK REACHER – I want to see it. I’m loving the reviews for the movie – good or bad reviews. They keep mentioning that the movie is more talky and slower than the commercials make it out to be. I’m good with that. I want it to be more talky and slower. The director Christopher McQuarrie usually is a great dialogue writer and is good at making old school style thrillers, which this is supposed to be. I don’t want flash and bang. I want some substance and hopefully McQuarrie pulls that off.

THE GUILT TRIP – It’s not getting the best reviews. From what I’ve seen it is pretty average. I’m a little disappointed because I think the idea is good. I don’t know if Babs would be ok with making a movie kind of spoofing her illustrious sex life, but that’s a good movie to me. But whatever. I’m sure it’s just ok, which is not ok.

THIS IS 40 – People are not loving this. People are liking it, but are making it pretty apparent that the Judd Apatow gag is getting worn thin in this one. A lot of people are making the joke that This is 40 is 40 minutes too long. Which is probably true. Dude makes long comedies. I generally don’t have a problem with that. I bet I’ll like it better than some of these reviewers because I’ve seen some scathing reviews for like The 5 Year Engagement, which I really liked. So, I’m looking forward to it, but I’m also sure it won’t be nearly as good as Knocked Up or 40 Year Old Virgin or any of that. A copy of a copy kind of thing.

ZERO DARK THIRTY – If you’re lucky to be in the “limited release” areas then this movie is getting baller ass reviews. I don’t know if it is that good or that they’re all hoping to nail Katheryn Bigelow now that she’s single or that I’m more or less replaying the same nonsense that Bret Easton Ellis said. She is a good looking woman. I liked Hurt Locker, but didn’t love it. Zero Dark Thirty looks like it should be better as far as being a bigger story that could be more fulfilling than Hurt Locker. I found Hurt Locker to be good, but the story was so small that I wasn’t bowled over by it. I don’t think I’m one of those lucky few in the “limited release” area, so I guess I’m waiting until January like the rest of the suckers out there.

ON THE ROAD – Haven’t watched the whole thing. I watched some of it, but not much. I do want to sit down and watch it.

I think that’s about it.

Have fun with your holiday shopping. I think I got all of mine done.

I hope you also have time to appreciate that we are alive and not dead from the apocalypse and you should celebrate that by probing each others holes with your genitalia.

Have a great weekend.

The 109th Sign of the APOCALYPSE: Sam Donaldson got a DUI

What in the fuck is this world coming to?

SAM DONALDSON?! GOT A DUI?! SMH!

Am I right?

As my Christmas present to him, I’m giving Sam Donaldson a thousand “smh”.

A DUI?! A DUI? Fo’ realz? This is absolutely absurd, Sam. Don’t you know the affect this will have on the next generation? Don’t you realize that once the kidz today hear that Sam Donaldson got a DUI that they’ll think all the cool 78 year old, former White House correspondents are doing it and then they’ll want to emulate kickass Sam Donaldson. I mean think of the children, Sam. The chittlins! They’re so impressionable.

I would love to know every single detail of this DUI.

All we got right now is that on December 1st at 8pm, is the ABC News political journalist since Lyndon Baines Johnson administration was pulled over for a traffic violation and then the officer determined because it was “apparent” that Donaldson was 3 sheets to the wind and got his ass locked the fuck up.

Let me repeat, they don’t say he failed a test or anything, it was just “apparent” he had been drinking. So what happened? Did the officer stroll up to Donaldson’s car and Donaldson rolled down the window and buckets of booze poured out like he was in a fishbowl of liquor like those drunk driving ads?

Seriously, Sam?

I get that Lindsey Lohan or Amanda Bynes doesn’t know any better, but you? Really, c’mon!

What was he doing drunk driving at 8pm anyway?

I mean I’m not surprised to hear about a 78 year old man drunk driving seconds after Wheel of Fortune just ended, but that 78 year old man shouldn’t be Sam Donaldson.

I’m not saying that this is loosely or tightly tied to Fred Willard being caught jerking off at a porn theater, but then again… isn’t it?

Are these old white men just being old white men and not giving a fuck anymore or is there something going wrong in Sam Donaldson’s life? Was he out speed dating or something? Why was he drunk driving so early in the day? And soooo drunk that it was “apparent”. Who would even know if Sam Donaldson was drunk that quickly or just think he was some slurring 78 year old man because there are a lot of those too.

Also, I’m curious how Mr. Donaldson acted. Sam Donaldson can be a bit of a surly Sam when he wants to be. Dude can drop the hammer. I wonder how he took getting arrested at 78 years old…

I think at some point you figure you’re not going to get in trouble anymore. Probably at 78 you think you’ve avoided all the pitfalls of life. Sam had a cancer scare nearly 2 decades ago. At 78 and only a few weeks removed from the Apocalypse, one could think he could just not give a fuck and was getting gin drunk in the late afternoon and driving through Delaware…

Wait…

Is that it?

Is the reason Sam Donaldson was drunk driving was because he was going to be driving through Delaware? I mean it’s not the worst place to drive through, but far from the average. So, maybe that’s it. Maybe Delaware is at fault.

Either way…

The Apocalypse that we’ve all been hearing about is technically starting at midnight tonight. I suppose midnight. I’m not sure if the Apocalypse has anymore of a specific time table that 12/21/2012.

Well, I hope we all survive it.

If we do then I hope we can one day get drunk on egg nog or just normal booze together and have a pajama party and watch Batman: The Animated Series.

Good luck tonight, tomorrow. If there’s no apocalypse, I’ll post.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is exactly what you think it is

Well, hello…

I saw The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey aka hours 10-12 of the Lord of the Rings ever-expanding-logy aka a mish-mash of Jew metaphors aka 1/3rd of a potential trilogy involving more unwritten book than actual source material aka 3 hours of questionable CGI and nose prosthetics.

Before I entered the movie, I texted a friend who I knew saw The Hobbit on Saturday asking him what he thought of it. His answer was simple that the critics are all right and that he liked it anyway. And that’s the short story right there. If you’ve gone to rottentomatoes.com or IMDB.com or any number of more specialized movie sites and read the reviews, more likely than not they’ve dissected this movie pretty well. The problems are very obvious.

It starts slow. It does.

The movie itself is nearly 3 hours just as everyone expected because that’s what we were dealing with the LotR trilogy. As this movie is the prequel to that, it is nearly identical to those films in most regards. The movie jumps to a crawl with a montage prologue, which is needed. The prologue speed you through as much as possible and I thought it did a good job hammering home the basics that this movie is about the dwarves and them reclaiming their home underneath the Lonely Mountain where an enormous dragon named Smaug took over.

It goes from tedious to ridiculous. It does.

From there, it is an arduous process of getting Bilbo on board to join the group. Then once he does it takes a thousands of miles of walking to get into any real storyline. The walking seems like it could go on forever as you have no concept how far they’re traveling, what pace they’re keeping or any type of marking of how well they’re doing in all of this. And, after nearly 2 hours of touring Middle Earth, you’re literally dropped onto a roller coaster ride of one problem after another until a conclusion that leaves you only 1/2 or possibly a 1/3 of the way to solving the initial problem.

While that’s true, it’s also exactly what Lord of the Rings was as well.

It’s really tough to watch The Hobbit and not think about Lord of the Rings for two reasons…

1. It’s the prequel to those movies made by the same people, so you have to think about it.

2. “An Unexpected Journey” and “Fellowship of the Ring” are nearly identical.

The first is an issue, but nothing problematic. Of course, you’re going to compare and contrast the efforts considering. In some ways The Hobbit is as good if/not better in some areas than the LotR movies, specifically in the case of your lead Hobbit.

Bilbo versus Frodo is a pretty good match-up. I think Martin Freeman does a great job falling in line with what has been played before and then adding some. The best scene in the movie is one that Martin is half of. Of course, the other half is the scene stealing Gollum. The real magic in this movie, another great performance by Andy Serkis. The back-and-forth riddle scene between Bilbo and Gollum could have gone on forever in my opinion. It was easily the most interesting, best acted, and most interactive scene in the movie – by far.

The crowd seeing the movie was fairly disinterested at most moments in the movie, but their restlessness seemed to pause when Gollum appeared and the dialogue between him and Bilbo kept everyone’s attention in a way that all the CGI battles didn’t.

So, Freeman as Bilbo is a plus. He’s less whiny than Elijah’s Frodo who seemed ready to cry at a moment’s notice in the other movies.

As for point #2 up there, the entire structure of the movie mirrors that of Fellowship of the Ring so much so it feels lazy.

More or less, the movie itself feels lazy. The heavy amounts of CGI instead of actors in make-up seems lazy. Why have an actor get into 17 hours of make-up than just create a cartoon image of him and dub the voice?

In Fellowship as well as the rest of the Lord of the Rings movies, there were an ass-ton of orcs and in Fellowship the main villain was a terrible orc leader. Same goes here in The Hobbit that we’re worrying about an orc pack led by a terrible orc leader who is tracking our merry band of whoevers on their way to a mountain. But a huge issue is that in Fellowship the orc is played by an actor and in Hobbit the orc is played by a computer drawing.

The orcs are terrifying in the Lord of the Rings movies. They are enormous, muscular, armor wearing, weapon wielding, half animal looking, creatures that run around killing everything. And having them played by actors clearly makes them feel more real than having them played by a shiny computer image. There are a couple actor orcs in the Hobbit which is odd. Why even have a few actors as orcs when the majority of them are played by CGI. The orcs that are actor played in The Hobbit look so much more terrifying than the CGI ones and the CGI ones are supposed to be the real scary ones.

The leader of the Hobbit’s orcs is a bright shiny albino with scratches all over him and he looks silly. There is no real fear about him considering he’s a cartoon character. He feels wildly less impressive than the above orc from Lord of the Rings who Aragorn faces one on one at the end of Fellowship. … … And you guessed it, the fake-Aragorn from the Hobbit faces the cartoon orc in this movie at the end of the movie.

There he is, Thorin Oakenshield aka Thorin the Handsomest Dwarf in the World.

As Aragorn was the handsomest man in Middle Earth, we have Thorin who is our hero because he too is the handsomest of the lot that we got. He is an underwhelming Aragorn rip-off as Aragorn was fucking action star in LotR kicking ass left and right without a moment’s pause. Thorin is the best we got as far as that goes. He kicks some ass and he’s got a bone to pick with the orc leader and it’s him who will be crowned the eventual king of these people everyone is so worried about.

Maybe it’s the noses or the beards or their fixation on gold or being forced from their homes and wondering the expanse of Earth for years on end to settle into a new land where they wouldn’t be attacked by the evil’s of the world again… but the dwarves are Jews, right? Is that what we’re saying. Kind of seems like that.

Thorin is Judah Maccabee and Gandalf is Moses, correct?

As for Gandalf, he’s pretty much the same hobo wizard who uses magic when he wants and cuts up dudes with his sword and is kind of just an old grey Jack Sparrow who is high as a kite and falling and fighting his way through adventures until he’s standing up-right on the other side of them.

So, should you see it?

Well, why not, I suppose.

It’s definitely a kiddier and giddier version of the Lord of the Rings, which is essentially what The Hobbit is anyway. The story and structure is nearly identical because the source material is as well. I mean Peter Jackson didn’t make up that both stories are about a small group taking on a Herculean task under the guise that this mission requires stealth, Gandalf is at the head of it and he choose an unlikely hobbit to handle the most essential of tasks, the hobbit has the one ring of power and the sword Sting and so forth, the group’s tip of the spear is the eventually king of these people, they need the help of the elves, whispers of Sauron, it is going to end inside a mountain far far far away, it takes them forever and a day to get there, they’re being chased by orcs, and on and on and on and on.

The wildly obvious similarities between the movies is in its heart the books’ fault and Peter Jackson taking that a step further is not at all surprising.

The real issue with it, do you want to see 3 more hours of something you’ve already seen 9 hours of with the potential of seeing another 6 hours in the coming years? It’s a fucking lot of the same thing, but if you like it then you like it. I mean the Harry Potter movies are all pretty much the same besides them getting older in each one, which means they get a whole lot sexier as the series goes on. That’s not really an issue in these movies, but the similarity idea is there.

My major gripe with the movie is the over abundance of CGI.

Everything outside of the major characters on the side of good are CGI. It makes the movie a lot less interesting and a lot more child-like than I would have wanted. I felt like I was watching a kid’s TV show or a Disney Epcot movie. I hate watching what boils down to actors swinging weapons around on a green sound stage by themselves and then filling in hapless idiot CGI villains who are getting tossed left and right by these “attacks”. It just looks bad. From Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter to this – it just looks like what it is choreography and it never looks like the person is fighting anything. They might as well just stand with their arms stretched out and spin in circles because it never looks like anything more involved than that.

With all that being said… after watching An Unexpected Journey, I’m even more excited for the sequel.

I feel like there’s a good chance the sequel is better. With An Unexpected Journey being so much like Fellowship of the Ring, it was destined to be not as good. Fellowship in my opinion is BY FAR the best of the LotR movies. Especially the extended cut. That movie delivers more than the rest in every facet and is almost a stand-alone film where I think the rest aren’t. I have watched all the LotR movies a number of times, but I’ve watched Fellowship dozens of times more than the rest. It is a much better movie than the rest. The action scenes are more impactful, the story and characters are well introduced and progress excellently, and it is a satisfying movie throughout. So, having the Hobbit mirror a better version of itself – it loses in that regard. As the Fellowship outshined its sequels instead of setting them up, I think Hobbit might do the reverse. Hopefully.

There is NO MELTDOWN like a NEW YORK JETS’ MELTDOWN

*dramatic intake breath*

J-E-T-S-A-R-E-T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E

JETS ARE TERRIBLE! JETS ARE TERRIBLE! JETS ARE TERRIBLE!!!!! WOOOO!!!!

…whew…

Last night, on ESPN, this happened…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

…whew…

Also, this happened…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

…whew…

I’m almost tired from laughing.

Every year, champions are crowned, cheered, and their names are forever remembered in the history books. But if you sit and watch all the games of thine year then you’ll know about the comedic tragedies of all the teams. None better than the New York Jets.

There are 32 teams in the National Football League aka the NFL aka the Professional Tackle Football Association of the United States of the American World aka PTFAUSAW. Each team has a story. Sure, championship winning teams see the highest highs and may even have battled back from a lowest low at some point, but all the teams in the NFL have a compelling story year in and year out. Some are simple like the Denver Broncos resurgence on the shoulders on the newly acquired Peyton Manning; some are confusing like the Detroit Lions utter incapability of winning football games while their star receiver might have a record breaking year. But I submit that no team has had a more delectably page-turning existence than the New York Jets.

Last night was nearly a microcosm for everything the Jets have done right and wrong in their season. It’s astounding that a team like this even exists and exists to the point where they were at. Somehow in the middle of this breakdown of a season, if the Jets beat a completely fledgling Tennessee Titans then they would have a shot at making the playoffs. Somehow with the Jets in all their ups and downs this season, they still had a shot at making the playoffs. A pretty decent shot considering their season was ending with three games against three bad teams. If they could win those games and get some help from losses by Pittsburgh and Cinci then they could ostensibly make the playoffs. Unreal.

Last year, the season concluded in Miami where the Jets were also playing for a spot in the playoffs and instead had a fucking nervous breakdown on the field with their quarterback Mark Sanchez and their top wide receiver/captain Santonio Holmes getting into a verbal fight in a huddle during the game. A game that they could’ve won and should’ve had their game faces on, but instead were fighting over a fight that started at the beginning of the season and finally came to ahead at the wrongest time imaginable – final game of the year, playoffs on the line, and on the fucking field in a winnable game they had to win.

Fast forward to last night…

Enter: Mark Sanchez at the tail end of his worst year since his rookie year with the Jets’ season in the balance.

Since the never understood signing of Tim Tebow, people have questioned the two men pictured as well as everyone else wearing a Jets logo at any point in their life – should Mark Sanchez still be the starting quarterback for the Jets? At no point this season have the powers above granted Tim Tebow that starting position, but, during Tebow’s injured few games, there was one game that Sanchez played so bad in that they pulled Sanchez and put in the back-up’s back-up McElroy. That was 2 weeks ago against Arizona, and the little McElroy did do won him the game. McElroy won the game! HE WON IT!

And how did the Jets repay the favor, they’ve put him on the inactive list the past two weeks.

So, last night, Sanchez in the middle of arguably his most pitiful outing in all his pitiful outings this year and what are the Jets going to do? They’re not going to pull Sanchez for Tebow. They just don’t do that. No matter how bad Mark is playing they don’t pull him for Tim. But they did once pull Sanchez for McElroy and McElroy won. But McElroy is on the inactive list, so they’ve made him inaccessible for the game. Why? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS?!

As for Timothy… big strong Timothy…

For this entire year, the Jets have played the sports media like a fiddle in insisting that they are working on a “package” for Tim Tebow. A series of plays that will utilize Tim Tebow in all the ways that one can utilize easily one of the least understood off-season pick-ups in the history of the NFL. It may have made sense if they ever let Tebow truly be the quarterback, it may have made sense if they truly tried to convert Tim into another position, but instead they meaninglessly throw him to the wolves randomly once or twice for the hell of it.

While no offense was consistent in last night’s debacle, there was a brief moment a fleeting moment when Mark completed two passes IN-A-ROW. He hadn’t done that up until that point in the game. And right as he completed that second pass in a row and that dirty mustache of Mark’s was smiling, the Jets in all their infinite wisdom yank the kid from the game to randomly insert Tebow to play 5 plays. FIVE. Five plays that have no point and were fraught with utter confusion by both teams and by the announcers. While these masterfully random and laughable plays were oddly executed, Sanchez stood on the side line like a small child watching the next door neighbor kid play with his Christmas gifts. It was a scene we have seen several times this season.

Tim Tebow was supposed to be a “red zone” threat. And while the Jets were no where near the red zone (20 yards to endzone) at that moment in time, they throw Tim out there for what reason who knows. It would seem pretty cut and dry with Mark being horrible in the red zone and Tim supposedly being a red zone threat and that’s why they acquired him that when the Jets enter the red zone they would put Tim in. But that never happens, so why even bring it up I suppose.

In the end…

Sanchez ended the game with a rap sheet of utter failure…

13-28 for 131 yards with 1 touchdown and 4 interceptions.

Not that quarterback ratings make a ton of sense, but his rating was a 32.6.

Meanwhile, Tim Tebow threw 1 pass that wasn’t completed and his rating was a 39.6. Go fucking figure.

Lord only knows why this abysmal game was chosen to be a Monday Night Football game for all the world to see, but there were some hilarious moments as comedy comes from tragedy…

I don’t know if that was truly intentional on the second attempt, but that is a member of his team that he is shoving to the ground. Hahahahahahah… play like a Jet, right?

I also love that this guy thinks he can either back out of the way or believed he could jump over that tumbling football player with that little hop.

But the moment of moments last night, minus all of Sanchez’s hilarious interceptions and/or the 5 Tebow plays which was akin to a flash mob performance of Phantom of the Opera, there was the lengthy fall of the old sound man…

Like a metaphor for the New York Jets themselves…

Hit early and stumbling to then believe for the briefest of moments that there was a semblance of balance to only realize it was an illusion as one mightily crashed to Earth hard with a shot to the skull… on national television.

So many concussions this season that even the sound guys aren’t safe.

Amazingly… the season isn’t over for the New York Jets. As with all teams, there are still two games to be played.

The Jets have a home game against the Chargers this Sunday. I imagine tickets will be free. Thrown into the air like confetti along the streets of Manhattan.

And a final game against their equally pitiful rival the Buffalo Bills in Buffalo to close out this wonderfully stupid season.

What does the future hold? Who is to blame? Honestly, I don’t even know anymore. I think that the owner Woody Johnson is to blame for a lot of this. Some of the decisions are so inane that it seems like only an owner with no football experience would be to blame. I would hope that’s the case for most involved. I think that if Rex is to blame for this then Rex has proven that he shouldn’t be in-charge with making any decisions regarding a team’s offense at all in any way shape or form. The Jets should fire everyone involved in their team’s offense. Everyone. They should fire anyone in charge of personnel. They should cut their losses with Mark Sanchez. They should trade Tim Tebow. They should start McElroy and focus on building a team that has running backs and wide receivers whose names are not the names of their current list of wide receivers and running backs.

What’s for sure… what has to be for sure… is Mike Tannenbaum is fired.

No team has made more questionable personnel decisions in this past year than the Jets and that’s seemingly Tannenbaum’s job. I believe that Woody probably put his 2 cents in too much too, but the owner isn’t firing himself.

Anyway…

The Jets, thank you.

Thank you for the laughs. Thank you for the ups and downs. Thank you for you being you.

With no playoffs hopes alive any longer, I wish you adieu.

Goodnight, sweet princes.