It’s Friday and I love you and I’ll make this quick…

My check list for today could be the following:

1. See Cowboys & Aliens

2. Buy a tuxedo

3. Do work

4. Fully recover from aura inducing migraine from 3am

5. Eat

6. Rinse and repeat

That’s my day and right now #4 is still zapping most of my strength, so…

Kristen Stewart wants IT… with teeth.

And…

Puppies

PUPPIES

PUPPY!!!!!!

Have a great weekend.

xoxoxoxoxox

That “news” is of course MOVIE NEWS! The best kind of news! Yay-hay!

I could give you other news. Political news like the Republicans not even voting for their own proposals, which is INcredible. I could give you football news like Reggie Bush just got signed to the Miami Dolphins, which has a lot of positives, but it all hinges on whether or not Bush can stay healthy. I could give you baseball news like that they still play it. I could give you nudie news like Kelly Rowland took nudie pictures to promote her new album, which is great although those pictures look like they were taken in a time portal and seem eerily similar to Janet Jackson’s pictures from the mid-90’s… but there is another bit of nudie news that brings us back to movie news and that is Olivia Wilde is nude in Cowboys & Aliens…

I saw there was an article about it on Yahoo, but I didn’t read it. Oh tell us Olivia what was it like to be naked? Cold? Ahahah… you don’t say?! Hahah we’re having fun here. Also, it’s not like I’m going to get to see anymore of Olivia in that nekkid scene than I have already in other scenes or magazine photoshoots of the like. I mean the movie is PG-13, so it’s not like that scene is going to play out with full frontal of Olivia Wilde and then her dropping down to all fours and crawling around sticking her butt up into the air like a cat to allow her pheromones to saturate the surrounding air and put all the aliens and nearby men into a frenzy so that they fight a Battle Royale to the death to who gets to mount the prized piece of House and The OC ass. Although, that would be quite a riveting scene.

As for Cowboys & Aliens, it comes out tomorrow and I read one positive review of the one reviews I have read. I think the movie should be fun and it can’t make any less sense than Favreau’s Iron Man movies, so that’s good. As a whole, I really like Favreau as a director and I’m excited to see what he’s going to do with this. My problems with the movie is that some of it – namely that night scene where the aliens first arrive – looks kind of shitty. Another problem is that from the trailers it feels like there are a bunch of scenes where a group of guys surround Daniel Craig and they’re like “who are ye?” and he’s like “I don’t know” and they’re like “wha? ye don’t know who ye arrrrrrre? then we’re gonna attack ya” and then he’s like “I wouldn’t do that if I were you” and then he does a whole bunch of Bourne Identity fast hands stuff and they’re all on the ground and he’s still standing.

Whatever. I’m hoping the rest is good. The stuff with them riding around the desert on horseback fighting the aliens looks good. I’ll be seeing it.

I’m just second hand news, I’m just second hand newwwwwsss!!! Yay-Hay!

THE HUNGER GAMES!!!!

I couldn’t honestly give a fuck about these movies, but I know they’re popular and with that I feel compelled to look at their updates and so forth. There were 3 pictures released so far and here they are. They’re very completely not compelling in the least bit.

Just two dudes walking through the forest. Just duding it up, dudes.

No way we could possibly look in the same direction because that’s gay. Everyone knows that.

It’s totally not gay when we are looking in opposite directions like we’re unaware of each other being only a foot from each other. I’m on my dude walking journey in the forest and you are on yours, ok? No crossing streams! Ok? I mean that’s super gay if you do that, so yeah. And those are some sweet pants you’re wearing and that’s just a total straight comment, I’m just going to stop talking.

They all laughed at me at the bakery, they all laughed at me.

BUT WHO IS LAUGHING NOW?!!!!

Uhhh… hey buddy, I think you left the oven on too long or too high, I’m not sure, but I think the bakery you are currently working at is burning to the ground right behind you. You might want to check on that.

It’s not exactly a rash or even a poison ivy reaction, I think it’s just using leaves to wipe your butthole is not good for you for an extended period of time no matter what. So there’s that. I mean that’s definitely a negative about myself, but it’s a new negative, but it’s such a negative that I have to mention it. It’s not a negative about me usually. You know usually I use toilet paper, but we’re out in these woods and I have had to make due when I’m doing my doo doo. That’s a bad joke. Sorry about that. I’m kind of ruining the mood, but … well … do you still want to fuck? I heard it’s really liberating having sex outdoors in the woods… of course minus my whole crotch/butthole rash.

Well, there’s that.

I’m just second hand news, I’m just second hand newwwwwsss!!! Yay-Hay!

Do you want to see the worst movie trailer of all time ever?

Yes you do!

OH MY GOD!

That is absolutely the new low. If anyone was wondering where Hollywood’s new low was – THERE IT IS!

That was seemingly a movie about the board game Battleship.

That was a movie about the board game Battleship directed by Peter Berg who has directed such films as The Rundown, Friday Night Lights and The Kingdom and featuring a cast of famous people like Taylor Kitsch, Aleksander Skarsgard, Brooklyn Decker, apparently Rihanna is in it as well, and Liam Neeson and it appears to have quite a special effects budget with an IMDB reported movie budget of $200,000,000.

So… when people blame the “consumer” for what is wrong in Hollywood, I would like to point at this movie. WHAT FUCKING CONSUMER ASKED FOR A $200,000,000 MOVIE TO BE MADE ABOUT THE FUCKING BOARD GAME BATTLESHIP?! NO ONE! NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS!!! NEVER! IT’S FUCKING THE PRODUCERS WHO ARE AT FAULT!!! STOP BLAMING THE VICTIM!!! WE ARE THE VICTIM!!! WE ARE THE ONES BEING RAPED WITH MOVIES LIKE BATTLESHIP!!! THIS MOVIE IS RAPING OUR SOCIETY!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

I would also like to add that this movie is nothing like board game Battleship. That may be the funniest part. Hollywood cannot get anything right. First, there shouldn’t be a movie about Battleship. Second, if there was a movie about Battleship wouldn’t it be about battleships dueling each other out in the open waters? I mean that’s what the game is, right? But this movie is about aliens. Did you expect that the movie about the board game Battleship was going to be about aliens? ALIENS?

I don’t remember aliens playing a role in the board game Battleship. I guess I missed that bit.

Lastly, the board game Battleship sucks. And I think all the people associated with this movie should be punished. I humbly submit my own expertise for punishing Brooklyn Decker and Rihanna. I will leave the rest to be punished by you all. I think we should maybe execute Peter Berg and anyone who had anything to do with green-lighting this movie.

Well…

I’m just second hand news, I’m just second hand newwwwwsss!!! Yay-Hay!

Let’s leave this Thursday on a positive or at least the very least a positive for me…

HAYWIRE!!!!

LOVE IT!

I love things. I love America. I love bacon. I love football. I love roundhouse spin kicks. I love Gina Carano. I love freedom.

In that list of somethings I love, you may notice the kick one and the Gina Carano one and you might notice that those two things happen a lot in this trailer, so I love it.

Listen, I see it. I see that the acting isn’t the best, but who the fuck cares?! Honestly! I’ve read some complaining by people who are like the acting doesn’t look the best or the storyline seems overly complicated and blah blah fucking blah. Did you not see the part where Gina Carano was beating the fuck out of Channing Tatum?! Did you not see the part where Gina Carano was beating the fuck out of Michael Fassbender?! Did you not see the part where Gina Carano was beating the fuck out of other people who I don’t know the names of and then later she’s obviously going to beat the fuck out of Ewan McGregor?! DID YOU NOT SEE THAT?!

Those parts look great. Like great great. The rest, I don’t care. The movie seems more or less like a Bourne Identity movie filled with top name actors to be used as a foil for Gina Carano to either beat the fuck out of them or maybe just beat the fuck out of them… it looks like Bill Paxton may be the only person in this movie who doesn’t have the fuck beaten out of them.

As for the acting or the storyline or anything, as long as the movie does a good job with handling the action scenes and doesn’t try to suffocate us with the rest then we’re fine. I watch the movie Bloodsport at least 6 times a year and in the process of watching that movie, I’ve never thought to myself that JCVD should get an Oscar for his acting. He should get an Oscar for being fucking bad-fucking-ass. That’s the Oscar he wins. That’s the Oscar he wins every damn time. And it looks like Gina Carano could win that too if the movie plays out like this trailer does.

So there’s that. Happy ending.

I guess… questions for Friday?

 

Last night, I was thinking about zombies.

In truth, I could say that about many “last night” scenarios. I think about zombies a good deal. I also think about ninjas and Hulk Hogan a good deal. And dinosaurs. How sweet would it be if Hulk Hogan led a ninja army riding dinosaurs against a zombie horde? Best movie ever or BEST MOVIE EVER? It’s really kind of the best way of thinking. Every once and a while you pepper in a thought like “Kate Beckinsale’s ass”. I mean every day is a mystery and a prize. It is just like it’s 8am “what if I could use telepathy to talk to my dog and then use my dog to form a mini dog army of the local dogs of this area of New Jersey and at night we would fight crime?” Then a few minutes later you’re like “Kelly Brook’s boobs” and it’s all smiles.

Ok, so ZOMBIES!

Apparently, there is some bad news about The Walking Dead. The creator and showrunner Frank Darabont has stepped down from his showrunner position. I know it’s not the most mature thing for me to say, but I just think that is awfully not-straight of him. Screw you, Frank Darabont.

Darabont’s reasoning is that he is a FILM guy and this is TV and he isn’t used to or fond of the TV grind. Not to be confused with MTV’s The Grind which was more or less my generations Soul Train, which I also used to watch. Do you know how I knew that cartoons were over for the day? SOUL TRAIN! On WPIX 11, I would watch cartoons like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for hours and then at some point the programming would switch to Soul Train and that is when I knew it was either time to learn about black folk/my parent’s generation or go outside and play. Sometimes I chose the former; sometimes I chose the latter. Anyway, that was part of my childhood. Another part was listening to a lot of Seal, Michael Jackson, and Metallica. All true things are being said in today’s post.

Well, what does this mean for The Walking Dead?

It’s certainly not a positive. Hopefully, it won’t be too much of a negative. He says he’ll probably remain on in some type of capacity. That’s good. This is a similar situation as Lost. JJ Abrams was part of the creation of Lost and I believe he directed the first couple episodes and had his hands in more of the first season, but then went back to directing movies and so forth during the other seasons and really shifting all the power of the show to Lindelof and Cuse. So, there’s that. For some that is not comforting and to others it is. The thing about The Walking Dead is that they have ZOMBIES and we’re already 95% on board with this show because of that because they’re the best. So, really they just need to keep the other 5% going and in there they can throw in a lot of violence, tension, and sex scenes and we’re all happy on this zombie boat together taking this S.S. The Walking Dead for many seasons to come.

In light of all this…

I thought I would augment some storylines of books that I would never read to a storyline that I would read. Almost exactly like the idea of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It’s really just to prove a point about how much better all these books would be with a little help from ME and ZOMBIES.

Here is a list of the SUPPOSEDLY Top 10 Best Selling Books of 2011 for WOMEN… and then my adjustments…

(I’m not sure if these are the top 10 books, but I found a website that says they are, so they might be)

1. Falling Star by Diana Dempsey

A brilliant first novel by Diana Dempsey, Fallen Star tells the story of a woman who is about to get dumped from her exalted position as news anchor at a TV station. She is getting too old, her boss has one eye on the budget, a younger, cheaper model might suit the financial backers better. Her husband has left her, her life is falling apart.

This a book many of us can relate to, even though most of us have never worked in a television studio Natalie Daniels is a feisty woman going through some rough patches in her life, but maintaining a sense of humor that lets us all relate to her.

I want to throw-up. Is this the shit you women read?! Oh my God. Anyway, no judgements, right? Well, obviously, Natalie Daniels decides to take drastic measures to preserve her looks even with her advanced age because everyone is leaving her for superficial reasons. Natalie finds a doctor who isn’t so highly recommended, but he has a brand new series of injections similar to botox, but that have miraculous results. Natalie struggles with the decision, but she ends up allowing herself to see this doctor and get this new secret formula. Immediately, Natalie see positive results, UNBELIEVABLE results, she’s never looked younger and more full of life.

Then the side-effects!

Natalie craves human flesh and most especially bloody bloody brains. She begins feeding at night, first on small animals and then on her neighbor Claire and her husband Alec. After a few weeks of this horror, her face and skin begin to rot and fall apart. She tries to get more injections, but she can’t find the doctor anywhere. He’s disappeared! Natalie is full of rage and wants to get revenge on the people that have drove her to sacrifice everything! Her job, her husband, his new wife! AHHH!

Natalie is a zombie … looking for vengeance!

2. Water for Elephants: A Novel by Sara Gruen

A must-read. You will love this tale of a young man who runs away to join the circus during the Depression years. Told from the memories of octogenarian Jacob Jankowski, as he languishes in his hated nursing home, the book brings to life the poverty, cruelty and mix of human nature and human frailties brought together in this delicious mix.

Jacob was a young man just about to finish vetinary college when his parents are killed. Finding himself penniless, he joins The Flying Squadron of the Benzini Brothers Most Spectacular Show on Earth primarily to take care of the exotic circus animals. Sara Gruen has seamlessly brought to life the colorful characters who make up the circus and intertwines a complicated love story too that will leave you feeling sad when the book ends.

Easy… ZOMBIE CIRCUS!!! A zombie elephant doesn’t need water, so that solves a major problem in the story. Instead, Jacob is brought in to help corral the zombie animals with his knowledge from veterinary school as well as the fact that his parents were killed by zombie animals, so he has really nothing to lose with this job. The story from there with the burgeoning love between Jacob and whatever the name of the character that Reese Witherspoon played can continue. This time though that love affair is set against the backdrop of Great Depression America being traveled by a ZOMBIE CIRCUS. As for Christoph Waltz’s character is more mad scientist than just circus runner. Add in that part of Jacob’s job is to feed these zombies the brains of people or animals that Jacob and some others get from killing locals who attend the circus and disappear never to be seen from again. And the climax can be the same with the tent falling and a fire being set or whatever the end of the original book is.

3. Sexy Forever: How to Fight Fat after Forty by Suzanne Somers.

In this book Suzanne Somers outlines and identifies the chemicals and toxins both in food and in our environment that can destroy the workings of a normal metabolism and cause us to be unable to lose weight. Also included are healthy recipes and gentle exercises to help us lose weight and maintain that loss, and advice on how to get that weight off quickly and easily. How to Fight fat after forty has been widely critiqued with the general consensus being is that the advice offered by Suzanne Somers not only works really well, but has been life-changing for many.

Suzanne Somers is a zombie. ’nuff said.

4. Room:A Novel by Emma Donoghue

5 year old Jack lives in Room with his mother (Ma). He has never known anywhere else but this 11 x 11 room where they both live, and knows nothing of a world outside.

Again – is this the shit you women really read?!

Well, the kid is a zombie. The mother is deranged obviously (in my book and this original). It’s sort of like Let the Right One In where it’s a human raising a monster child. The mother will leave time to time to commit murder and feed the 5 year old zombie child brains and blood and stuff that the child considers normal. We find out later that the boy is actually her dead son from SIDS or carbon monoxide poisoning or something (I know this got really sad) and she turned the kid into a zombie so that he would be alive in some state for her to raise him still. At some point, the woman gets older and feeble or maybe she just has enough of all the death and commits suicide or maybe she just tragically dies out one night on one of her murder sprees. With the mother gone, the kid is left alone – he does eventually get out of the room and sees the world for the first time. What happens next? You’ll have to pay me to write this book and then you gots to read it.

6. Cleopatra: A Life is written by renowned historian and authoress Stacy Schiff.

It is an accurate and in-depth biography of the life of this amazing woman, written in such a way that engages the reader.

Hahahahah… clearly whoever wrote this didn’t read this. Just a vague sentence. Well, Cleopatra is a zombie and SHE’S BACK! Cleopatra: An AFTER-Life. And Cleopatra is creating a zombie army that is taking over Egypt.

7. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest

This is a deluxe, slip-cased set of the three hardcover novels—each unjacketed, bound in full cloth and uniquely stamped, with maps and individual full-color endpapers—as well as On Stieg Larsson, a previously unpublished collection of essays about and correspondence with the author.

The books are described as tautly-written crime thrillers with mystery elements.

Would make a great gift!

If you want to give a gift of rape and graphic murder mixed in with an enormously boring subplot of subplots. Well, we could just make Lisbeth Salander a zombie. That would be really goth, right? Maybe that lawyer guy raped her and killed her in the first book and that’s when she came back to life as the revenge driven zombie goth computer nerd detective or something. Maybe she’s always been a zombie. Either way, I stand by my stance that no one woman should walk alone without a firearm in Sweden. These books have got to be the worst for Sweden’s tourism.

8. Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks

It tells the story of Katie, on the run from her violent ex-husband, who seeks refuge in a small community where she tried to keep herself to herself.

In the course of the story she falls in love again, but Kevin is still looking for her.

Will he find her?

I would hope Kevin finds her or this will be a boring ass book. If he doesn’t find her then isn’t it a book about a chick living a below the radar life in a small town and nothing happens? Anyway, Kevin is a zombie. OBVIOUSLY. Before Katie ran away she killed Kevin thinking that would be the end of it, but when she buried his body on an old sacred Indian grounds, Kevin rose from the grave to eat her brains.

9. The Perfect Christmas by Debbie Macomber

Cassie Beaumont seeks the help of professional matchmaker Simon Dodson, to help her in her quest for love and marriage.

Simon claims to have a perfect match for her, but insists she complete three tasks for him first. They are all about Christmas. The first is to become a charity bell-ringer, the second to dress up as one of Santa’s elves at a children’s party, and the third is to prepare a traditional turkey Christmas dinner.

Will she succeed? Will she find love?

Oh my God! NOT STRAIGHT! This may be the worst of the bunch so far. If anything would drive me gay it would be the thought that this is what all women want or think like. Thank God women have beautiful bodies with their boobs and butts and legs and backs and their necks and lips and stuff because if this is the shit that you like then you’re all idiots. What? What guy is going to make a girl do this bullshit and what girl is going to fawn over doing it and someone have to worry if she’ll succeed? Cook a turkey? Besides that being more sexist than anything I just said, it’s FUCKING EASY TO DO! It’s a turkey! You put the oven on, put the turkey in the oven, and then wait. That’s the key to making a turkey. Sure, you can add in stuff like stuffing the turkey and all that, but it’s still not rocket science.

Fuck this book. Fuck it in its stupid ass. Fuck Debbie Macomber. Fuck her. Fuck that idiot. This is absolutely insulting. Will she find love? I fucking hope not. Fuck that bitch. Fuck her. I hope she dies barren and alone. This book doesn’t deserve zombies. If anything I hope zombies come to life in real life and tear Debbie Macomber to pieces. NEXT!

10. The Help by Kathryn Stockett

It’s a brilliant story about a young white woman who takes an interest in the plight of black women during the Civil Rights movement in the early 1960s.

Set in Mississippi, the book is built around 3 main characters – Minnie and Aibileen two black maids, and college graduate white woman Eugenia Skeeter Phelan.

From I gather in the trailer it’s basically a young white chick with the aid of her technically not-slaves writing a book about the town’s gossip. I suggest making the two black maids zombies to make it less offensive that this white chick has pretty much slaves and instead just has zombie slaves, which is better in my opinion. Anyway, the zombie maids help her write the book because no one thinks zombies have any intuition and let slip all their juicy details around them, but then they take them back to Emma Stone and she writes them down. In the end, the book is a big success and then the zombie women eat Emma Stone.

The end.

Yes.

Yessidee. Yesssidoo. Yessime. Yessiyou.

COMIC!!!      CON!!!!

If you’re a tweeter and you like Twilight or if you like Twitter and you consider yourself a Twi-hard or if you tweet tweet tweet about the Twi Twi Twi then Comic Con was a big deal to you. Especially, if you want to put your face in and around Kristen Stewart’s tweeter. I would guestimate that most of the most interesting news that came out of Comic Con floated around the lithe punk rocky Kristen Stewart.

What did we learn at Comic Con about Kristen Stewart?

We learned that Kristen Stewart wears a black bra and likes to show it off to everyone. Hello there, Kristen Stewart. Hello there, Kristen Stewart’s brazier and, hello there, Kristen Stewart’s boobs. Hello, hello, and helloooo.

What else?

Well, Kristen “Calla Lilly” Stewart is not going to be in K-11 anymore.

That’s good news. Reason being – it sounded like a stupid movie. That’s the MAIN reason why. It was pretty much a GI Jane movie and “Calla Lilly” was playing a marine sniper or something. I’m not a registered scientists, but the blow back from a sniper rifle would probably shatter “Calla Lilly’s” shoulder in half. Also, her ability is next to zero to even carry the rifle and/or the rest of her equipment while running up and down miles of hills and so forth. I get that it’s the movie business and we’re supposed to just believe whatever the movie tells us to believe like in Horrible Bosses that women just automatically have sex with Jason Sudeikis – automatically as if their genitals were actually magnetically attracted to each other. But believing the… what are we saying Kristen Stewart weighs? 80 pounds? 70? Am I still too high or too low? I can’t figure it out… she’s only like 5’5″ and I can practically see thru her… let’s just settle on that Kristen Stewart weighs less than the average backpack full of gear that a single soldier carries. Also, why would anyone want Kristen Stewart to get another absurd haircut for a movie? AM I RIGHT? Some have still not fully healed from the black shag mullet from The Runaways.

So no… K-11. But instead… an emphatic YES for Snow White and the Huntsmen.

 

As you can see “this ain’t yo mama’s Snow White”, which has been said by too many people.

Well, I wasn’t expecting to see Kristen Stewart in full metal plate armor with a shield and a sword. I’ll grant you that.

 

More than anything I just think this is a big dick tease that Kristen Stewart is going to be on Game of Thrones. Seriously, if at some point in the 5th book or in the unwritten 6th or 7th books that Arya Stark decides to create an all women’s brigade to go and kill whatever Lannisters are still left at that point then Kristen Stewart as a member of her Queensguard would be pretty kick ass and I would imagine would look exactly like this.

So, what’s happening?

Snow White is a knight or has the skills of a knight at some point in these movies.

Originally, I thought this movie had to do with the Huntsmen being an older wiser fighter of some sort who teaches the younger Kristen “The Cat” Stewart how to use an array of weapons to take down the Evil Queen. It was Buffy the Vampire Slayer set in the woods pretty much. I remember hearing rumors about Sean Bean or Viggo oh Viggo as the elder weapons enthusiast Huntsmen. But I guess that got thrown to the wayside because Thor is the Huntsmen.

 

I also read that the Huntsmen was not supposed to be a love interest even with his expanded role.

I would venture to guess that is getting thrown to the way side as well. You don’t cast Muscles McGee to play the Huntsmen across from Kristen Stewart for her not to want the shit out of those muscles. So expect a love story there. I would be SHOCKED if there wasn’t. Thor is not much of a father figure, but I’m sure he gives a hell of a spanking. Oooohhh look how saucy I am this morning. Put a face in her tweeter and spanking the “who’s your daddy?” way.

They released two more character pictures and from the looks of one… it only emphasizes even more how much the Huntsmen will be the love interest…

 

Yeah… no love for that guy.

First, he’s in black and his hair is slicked back and he’s giving us the blue steel face. That guy isn’t getting a piece of Kristen Stewart’s tweeter in this movie unless he date rape drugs her with pancakes. You know what I’m saying?! You go girl! And all that.

This guy is most assuredly bad and the Huntsmen is good. Seriously, how many times do we have to see this type of character design? Did you all pretend like you haven’t seen Sweet Home Alabama or Leap Year?

Obviously, Kristen “The Cat” Stewart is either Reese Witherspoon or Amy Adams… which ever you prefer. Same storyline though. Tough modern chick making decisions and a real working woman not resigning herself to fate and in the process is lonesome and ends up spending her life seeking out a male companion. And she’s got a choice in front of her… either go with scruffles – Josh Lucas or Matthew Goode – or go with sleek and pressed – Patrick Dempsey or Adam Scott? That’s the movie.

Then there is the QUEEN… oh yes… the QUEEN… and she’s beautiful and evil and it’s Charlize Theron…

 

It’s funny with the three Snow White movies and all these other Disney live action remakes going around that I couldn’t remember who was directing what. When I saw these pictures, especially this one of Charlize, I remembered Tarsem Singh was directing one of these things and thought – well that looks like something Tarsem Singh would come up with. But Tarsem is doing the other Snow White, not the one in China, but the other one with Lilly Collins – remember? Nevertheless, this evil Zelda or female Ganadorf inspired Theron get-up is from Rupert Sanders… that is director Rupert Sanders.

http://www.rupertsanders.com

If you don’t know who Rupert Sanders is or are unfamiliar with his work – don’t fret because no one is.

Rupert is a TV commercial director and this is his first movie. YAY FOR HIM! You go Rupert! Next they’ll be making a movie about you! And that’s the dream, isn’t it?

Actually, Rupert’s TV commercials are quite good. He did a few Halo commercials, some Nike commercials et cetera. They’re all on his website to peruse. I am excited to see what Rupert can do. I remember a TV commercial director that got his first movie with a big remake and it turned out quite well… Zack Snyder.

I’m interested in this Snow White remake just because why not. I’m interested to see Cowboys & Aliens on Friday. My movie taste isn’t just Schindler’s List and Shawshank Redemption. Let’s have some fun in there. I like fun. I like chicks. I like chicks kicking ass. I really like chicks kicking ass actually. I love women’s MMA. I love Sucker Punch and I’ll be interested to see this.

Right now, it looks like the movie has changed from the original idea of Buffy the Vampire Slayer to a more straight forward kind of Sword in the Stone story where a younger person who is not known for the combat abilities is taught to fight back against an evil-doer with their sword and shield and their ring mail and then over the course of the film they’ll get to have that battle. There are two things that worry me though:

1. The dwarves.

2. Is this still a trilogy?

I really hope it isn’t a trilogy. There is barely enough story in the original Snow White story to even sit around and make a kids movie out of it. It isn’t some epic tale. I’m pretty 100% certain you can tell a tale about Snow White getting taken to the woods by some brawny and awfully young huntsmen to be executed and then he’s like “wait a minute, you’re a cute chick and I’ll teach you some woodsy martial arts, so you can kill that evil queen”. That can be told in 90 minutes. What else is there? Oh yeah, the dwarves!

One picture that eluded the Comic Con fans and the internet as a whole was a picture of 7 dwarves with hilarious nicknames. Funniest thing I think about these Snow White remakes is that… whoever gave a fuck about Snow White? It was the DWARVES that got all the talk. Right? Doc, Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Speedy, Gassy, and Danny DeVito. Those were the dwarves that stole the show. It seems to me they are cutting out the meat of the memory of that Disney movie. It’s a chick in a house in the woods with seven dwarves and they sing songs. What is all this stuff about learning crowbows and ninja flips with the Huntsmen?

This is what I’m thinking… Rupert can take that Captain America shrinking ray they used on Chris Evans and turn a bunch of average sized actors who the prettiest faces into dwarves. Right? Eat that dwarf boys! Fuck you. Fuck you you dwarf. HAHAHAHAH!!! We’re going to make the Huntsmen the main character and relegate the dwarves to… well… maybe nothing. But with the shrink ray, think about this… maybe they just use one person and shrink him down and then have them use the technology from Michael Keaton’s classic Multiplicity and there are seven of the same actor playing the dwarves!

Obviously… Rob. Am I right? Ole’ dwarfy Rob. That would be great. Or maybe him and Taylor. Tay Tay the dwarf! Oh I can picture it now and it is glorious.

..

.

Seriously though, I would like to think this movie does not verge on Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland territory. That movie sucked and I know it was more cartoony, but it looks similar right now. If it’s not that way then I think this movie is looking almost Tarsem Singh like as mentioned. Rupert does seem to handle action in a more gritty than fantastical way in his commercials at least, which could make this good.

I just find it funny that every time there is a re-envisioning of something that it is always to “make it darker”. Whatever that supposedly means? Yeah, make it darker. Make Spider-Man darker. Make Alice in Wonderland darker. Make all the Brothers’ Grimm tales darker. Make King Arthur darker. Let’s make the Smurfs darker. How about the storyline for the new Smurfs movie is that the Papa Smurf is sent a DVD of Smurfette in a snuff film. Yeah! And then the Smurf gang must come to New York City to raid porn clubs and bondage bars to find the seedy underbelly of snuff films in the big city and then get their revenge on them with mutilation and death like it’s the Smurfs meets 8MM. Yeah… that’s make it DARKER!

I don’t think everything needs to be “dark”.

We’ll have to see though. I originally said I wanted to see a fight scene with Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron where it’s a pretty knockdown drag out cat fight and ends up with Charlize smashing Kristen’s face into the infamous mirror and then Kristen takes a shard of glass from that mirror and kills Charlize with it (stab or slash the throat… your choice) and that would be my movie with Kristen all raggid and bloody and showing some skin and Charlize bloody and dead lying on her throne room floor. Seems like there is a chance that could happen in this movie. *fingers crossed*

Today… today… today… I will review

CAPTAIN!!!!!

AMERICA!!!!

But first…

Was Kristen Stewart wearing a white tanktop with bear headed men in dominatrix outfits?

That’s what I think is going on.

Kristen Stewart aka the Empress of Want aka the First Name in Want aka the Wantess aka the Shifting Prism of All the Almighty’s Want Reflected aka Honey Badger aka that chick from Twilight aka no that’s Anna Paquin and she’s on True Blood, which is a TV show and not a movie, I’m talking about those movie vampires that the teens watch and she’s the main chick in that one aka the Cat aka Calla Lily…

Kristen Stewart owns a tanktop with three men dressed in leather and they have bear heads. That’s a shirt that she owns and she wears it and it exists and here it is on her while she’s walking through the crowd at Comic Con.

And…

KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT!

All Ms. Honey Badger is doing is walking through a crowd of people and she still looks like she wants IT. It never gets old.

As for Comic Con and for the news updates about Comic Con especially the ones concerning Kristen “The Cat” Stewart, I am planning on talking about that tomorrow. The Snow White and the Huntsmen stuff I’ll get to tomorrow. That of course is hinging on that something INSANE doesn’t happen today/tonight that would veer my course for tomorrow’s post. That has been known to happen. Don’t fret that the NFL Lockout being over or not being over will most likely not become a full post in its own right probably because I hate the NFL owners and this whole bullshit lockout so much I want to pretend like it never happened out of the embarrassment it has caused us all… like that time I threw up all over my friend’s parents’ living room, which was called “the white room” not for racist reasons, but for accuracy reasons because they had a white carpet and two white couches with white pillows, but that was all in the past because that next morning the couch, carpet and one of the pillows had a brownish/black hue to it in a splatter art fashion.

Anyway…

THE REVIEW

MY REVIEW!!!!

I liked it.

I liked it a lot.

That’s the spoiler free version.

Did you like that?

So, if you haven’t seen the movie and you want a purely SPOILER FREE review then find another website for the day.

But if you have seen the movie and you want to commiserate with me then please stay. Pull up a chair. Have a nice cup of cocoa or a cold beer or a fizzy lemon water. Would you like that? I have some crackers as well. Cheese slices? Little cheese cubes? Havarti. I’m just throwing that out there. Havarti. And if I had anything else to add I would say Gouda. Just let that sit for a moment. Why should you stay? Refreshing beverages, crunchy crackers, and a selection of cheeses. Havarti. Gouda. I’ll just wait over here while you make that decision to stay or leave. One last thought, if you do leave then you are essentially breaking every piece of my heart (all 6 pieces of it) into a billion tiny pieces and then stepping on those pieces until they turn to a dust and then you’re urinating all over that dust and I’ll never be able to take that urine soaked dust and turn that back into a functioning heart again. Ok? So you think about that and I’ll just wait for you to make your decision to read this review or to kill me with your breaking, pissing and leaving option.

…..

….

..

.

Ok?

I’m glad you stayed.

Have as much of the cheese platter as you see fit.

THE REVIEW! … of … CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!!!!

I liked it.

I liked it a lot.

Let me begin with Captain America … himself!!! dunh DunH DUNH!

Oh, he must work out.

Actually, he doesn’t. Captain America does not work out. He takes steroids or should I say the “super soldier serum” aka STEROIDS. This movie is awfully pro-steroids in that regard, but who isn’t? And what does it matter? I love the movie Universal Soldier, which is also 100% pro-steroids. In Universal Soldier, Dolph Lundgren is kicking the shit out of Jean Claude Van Damme because he is on steroids. During their final fight, at some point Jean Claude gets a hold of some of Dolph’s steroids and Jean Claude sticks himself with the steroids. After that, Jean Claude kicks the shit out of Dolph and then kills him. Meanwhile, Dolph also took steroids in Rocky IV and lost to a guy who didn’t take steroids. Dolph just doesn’t come out on top in these scenarios. He probably doesn’t have that winner’s mindset I hear a lot about. Either way, it’s certainly not the steroids fault.

Besides all that, Chris Evans does workout. He got HUGE or UGE for this movie. Out of all the actors that could have played a young Captain America, I would have picked Chris Evans too and he did not disappoint. He looks like the All-American muscular man and he plays the well intentioned earnest do gooderness of Cap very well.

As a whole, the movie is entirely origin story. That’s a rough hand to be dealt because origin stories are usually the worst part of the story. There’s that bit when the person is not the superhero, which who cares? There’s the bit when they’re fumbling around with whatever powers they have, which who cares? There’s the bit where they realize they have to make this choice to be the superhero, which who cares? And then finally(!), they are the superhero and then the movie ends 10 minutes later.

For Captain America, this is even more prevalent because this movie has to get Captain America from when he is first created back in World War II and put into practice and then get him to the present time where the real Captain America story as a superhero is going to continue. Reason why? Because Marvel’s next movie is THE AVENGERS. Did you notice it was called Captain America: The First Avenger???? Yeah, that’s a not so subtle hint that this movie is supposed to lead to THE AVENGERS.

Let’s retrace our steps for a moment… the title of this post is “CAPTAIN AMERICA is the CITIZEN KANE of MARVEL Movies”. In comparison to the other Marvel movies out recently, Cap’n America is by far the best. THOR was an atrocity. The Iron Man movies are at best a fun waste of time and I personally find them more or less terrible and insulting. The Incredible Hulk movies are awful plus they’re planning on making a third reboot. I know Ghost Rider isn’t an Avenger, but he’s Marvel and that movie sucked and same can be said for the frighteningly bad Fantastic Four movies. There are other Marvel movies too like the Spider-Man movies. I liked the first two Spider-Man movies a lot and didn’t like the third. I would still say that Spider-Man 2 is my favorite Marvel movie, nevertheless, Captain America is the best this bunch has had to offer in awhile.

The story of Steve Rodgers trying to join the Army to fight in World War II, but him being a skinny short kid is the first 30 minutes of the movie. It’s not bad. There’s a good deal of humor in it and at the same time the CGI that was used to shave down Chris Evans to make him look like that is done really well. Finally, they get around to Steve getting stuck with needles and serum pumped into him so we can get into him being a shield carrying hero, right? Well, not exactly.

The next sequence of time for Cap is being a spokesman for the US Army selling war bonds. It is basically an extended montage, but I really liked that as well. I was surprised how much I was enjoying all of Joe Johnston’s directing because I’ve never been a big fan of his. But I thought that sequence had a lot of energy and was funny and was an interesting twist on a storyline, which we saw in Flags of our Fathers using army heroes to sell the bonds.

Then Cap does become the hero that we all are expecting. From then on the movie becomes a pretty regular action movie. The action scenes were fun. A lot of Captain America running guys over with his shield, throwing the shield, shooting guns and just kicking the shit out of people. Actually, back to the guns, there are so many dudes getting shot and killed in this movie, which was pretty great. That sounds odd, but this movie is part WAR movie and I think they did a pretty good job creating that war element. He’s a superhero, sure, but he’s also a soldier in World War 2 and they blended those two stories together nicely.

As far as the other actors… Hugo Weaving is a professional.

Hugo does a great job as a menacing ambitious Nazi scientist who manages his own group called Hydra. With them he actually creates his own global domination scenario with the weapons that he was originally planning on giving to the Nazis. That’s his story for the most part. The first half of Hugo’s story is spent with Hugo with his face and then the second half of the movie is spent with Hugo having the Red Skull face like above. I’m not sure how many other actors could have created this villain in the first half and then revealed this crazily comical face in the second half and make it seem almost natural. Hugo pulls it off with flying colors.

Of course, there is also Tommy Lee Jones in the movie and Stanley Tucci and so on and they all do fine jobs with the roles they are given. They are there to help usher Captain along in some way or another. And there is the introduction, to most of us, of British actress Haley Atwell and her…

Haley’s got a brunette Christina Hendricks thing going on. Haley’s character Peggy Carter is sort of Captain’s moral compass as well as his love interest. Peggy doesn’t get to do too much in the movie, but what she does do is a whole load better than running around in distress with her flapping and her on the verge of crying every 20 seconds like every other female in these Marvel movies. Liv Tyler, Jennifer Connelly, Kirsten Dunst, Natalie Portman et cetera. They’re just running around with something coming after them and they’re about to cry at any minute. Meanwhile, Peggy kills a guy and she punches another guy. And she’s a little sassy.

Anyway… what are we talking about? Captain America is good, but it certainly has its flaws.

The bad of Captain America is the bad in all these Marvel movies – they don’t explain shit. The shit they don’t explain is the shit that is linking all these movies together. Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, Nick Fury, Hulk, Hawkeye and so on are all together in the Avengers. The filmmakers are trying to link the stories together, so they’re all in the same universe facing in a sense a similar problem, so that the Avengers movie will go smoothly. But that requires you to have to have almost apriori knowledge of all this stuff and to have seen all these movies. I will never recommend to anyone to see Thor, but if you haven’t seen Thor then a few BIG moments in the film will make ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.

See that cube Hugo is holding? That’s the key to the film. That is what Hugo is searching for and then he finds. Then he takes that cube and some how uses it to make energy to power his guns, airplanes and submarines. That cube is also what eventually defeats Hugo. But what is that cube?

In the movie, the only line about the cube is that it’s Odin’s Cube as if that meant anything to anyone who hasn’t seen Thor. Oh the famous cube of Odin! I remember that cube! Everyone knows about Odin’s cube. Right? Wait, what? I have no idea what Odin’s cube is. Also, Hugo does say a few Thor-esque lines about magic and science being one and the same, which is the plot of Thor for the most part.

They never explain the cube or why it is doing what it’s doing. When the cube is first used by Hugo there is a moment where they push the cube too hard and all of a sudden it’s like a rip in space and time happens and they briefly see the stars of a night’s sky and these other planets. Well… what the fuck was that?! Oh nothing… if you haven’t seen Thor. If you’ve seen Thor then you know what the hell that is as well as you know what the cube is. If you haven’t then you haven’t wasted 2 hours of your life on Thor, but you have no clue what the hell is going on. Secondly, Captain and Hugo fight and they hit the cube again and this time the cube goes nuts and that same rip in space and time happens and this time Hugo gets sucked up into it… and no one explains SHIT! What happened to Hugo is almost to a T what happened to Loki in Thor. So… if you saw Thor then you understand sort of how the bad guy was defeated in the climax of the movie. If you haven’t then the climax of the movie makes no sense.

That’s not good. ^^^ That’s not good at all.

But I feel like I can overlook that because I thought the rest of the movie was fine. I liked the World War 2 stuff, I liked the action, I liked the feel of the movie, I liked the Red Skull and I liked all that… but they had to tie it in with the rest of the garbage Marvel movies and in doing so they allowed some garbage to come in.

I wish we were getting ramped up for Captain America 2 and not the Avengers. I don’t care about that movie. I want more of Cap and hopefully more of Cap without any of those other douches.

In the end, there was way more to like than not like. It’s not perfect like Atwell’s ta-tas, but it was a solid B effort. About the only other thing I would change is making Captain America not a virgin. Yeah, that’s right – get the man a dame for a night. Any dame! He is trading sexy eyes with Haley Atwell the whole movie, but the only thing they do is kiss on the lips right before they are about to part ways for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. Outside of that, Cap got a little tongue from Natalie Dormer earlier in the movie. Besides those two moments, he’s way more virgin than Steve Carell in 40 year old virgin or Edward in Twilight. He’s pretty close to Ed in the virgin category. Eddie is over 100 years virgin meanwhile Captain is over 90 years virgin. What in the hell? At the very least they could have had Natalie Dormer pull Cap into a supply closet for some 7 minutes in Heaven and then Haley Atwell walks in.

Either way, I enjoyed the movie thoroughly.

Today is Friday.

Friday means the end of the typical working week.

Friday is also the gatekeeper to the wild and outlaw world of the weekend.

Friday faces the justly Sun of the week and to its back lay the shadow lands of the hedonism known as the week’s end.

THE END!

It’s fucking hot as a motherfucker is fucking hot.

It’s like a heat index of fucking hot x a motherfucker x fucking the most hot = what’s going on outside.

Where are all those asshats in the coldest moments of winter who go “so much for global warming”?

WHERE ARE THEY?! *Batman growl*

By the way, anyone who uses the phrase “so much for global warming” in any sincerity has no clue what the problem of global warming is. That’s a fact.

Also, “so much for global warming” people are douches.

So, what is there to talk about?

There’s this…

Oh, it’s Kristen Stewart tittering like a Japanese anime character – truthfully a reoccurring fantasy of mine.

The Twilight kiddies were at COMIC CON yesterday and, of course, every single and solitary SECOND was photographed for our benefit and the aliens that one day will challenge the human race for ownership of this planet.

The image quality of these photographs are also INSANE.

The original size of this photo was so big I thought I was downloading THE Kristen Stewart in human form through FireFox.

I have no idea what they talked about on the panel. I assume geo-political issues like the governmental restructuring of North Africa or maybe they stuck to national politics and discussed the recent President Obama addresses and how fucking inflexible the Republicans are being in this because all they want are tax cuts for those wealthy 2% or whatever infantile percentage it is. Or they could have been talking about Spanx. I’ve been thinking a lot about Spanx recently. Not really for my own personal use because that’s like slapping a band-aid on a decapitation. More so, I’ve been thinking about writing Spanx into one of my many screenplay ideas that I never write. I have two screenplay ideas that a Spanx joke would both work well in. The two actors I picture are Samuel L. Jackson and Zach Galifianakis. Who wouldn’t want to see those two wearing Spanx?

Again, Kristen Stewart’s eyes want IT.

As for the rest of the panel…

Everyone…

Was…

Talking…

About…

Rob…

Oh…

So…

Handsome…

Rrrrr

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

OH MY GOD!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS HEAD?!!!!!

It looks like the top of his head is falling off! Is it just me? What the hell happened to him?! It’s like he is some Frankenstein’s monster and his scalp needs readjusting!

HaHAHAHahahaHAHAHAHahahaHAHAHAH!!!

Oh, but he’s still so something…

By the by, if Kristen Stewart is still fucking Rob with the way he looks then there are 3 explanations:

1. She actually loves him and as we know love is blind, which I assume is the worst for people who are attractive and end up loving someone who is unattractive. We all know that happens so much.

2. The Want is blind to its carnal urges, so the haircut does not matter to the Want. Kristen is lucky she isn’t out there humping doorknobs the Want is so strong in her, on her, with her.

3. Kristen Stewart likes freaks. She’s got a freaky side for the freaks. Whatevs.

Anyway, I did get a response from my tweetie tweet tweet tweetie poo about these pictures where people said Rob’s hair is for a movie role. A David Cronenberg movie role about a guy who does end up getting a haircut, so I guess that is the haircut. I’m curious how Cronenberg will be with Rob because I think both have a tendency for “woodeness” and that might go swimmingly together or it could multiply the woodeness and no one actually does anything in the movie and it’s just 2 hours of people standing around… wooden. Also, I don’t think Rob’s a good actor, but hey that hasn’t stopped a million others from getting featured roles in movies. Am I right?

As for Rob…

GOOD JESUS THE PEOPLE OF TWITTER ARE NOT OVER ROB!

I received I think by my humble estimate 6,000 tweets about Rob and his arms.

Taylor who?! … HAHAHAHAH!!! YEAH FUCK THAT KID! FUCK KID IN HIS STUPID ASS!!!! ROB HAS MUSCLES TOO YOU FUCKING IDIOT KID!!!! FUCK YOU TAYLOR! FUCK YOU AND PLAY IN THE STREET YOU DOLT!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!! ROB!!! ROB TO RULE US ALL LIKE HE HAS THE ONE RING OF POWER!!! !AHAHAHAHAHAHDsfhjaspodfu1304irop13jefrij1k32l4k12#!!!!! MY BRAIN HAS EXPLODED AND A WHITE MILKY SUBSTANCE IS SHOOTING OUT OF EVERY ORIFICE OF MINE LIKE I’M IAN HOLM IN ALIEN!!!!!! ROB!!!! SAVE ME ROB!!!!!

That’s kind of what my twitter timeline looked like yesterday.

I didn’t click on any of the picture links to Rob and his arms for many hours yesterday. I couldn’t care any less about his arms or any part of him really, so I didn’t click on the links. But with life comes boredom and with boredom comes the internet and after reading all these tweets about these tree trunks of muscular flesh I felt like “fuck it”, so I clicked on one of the links 80% expecting to see Hulk Hogan’s 24 inch pythons surgically attached to Rob’s particular British white unassuming torso.

Is it just me or does Kristen kind of look like Ashley Greene here?

Back to Rob… Instead…

Rob’s arms looked just as “big” or as “normally sized” as usual. He wore a t-shirt for some of the panel it seems and the twitter people of the world cannot take it. LOOK AT HIS ARMS! HE HAS ARMS AND LOOK AT THEM!

Even with his stupid haircut that literally makes it look like he is walking around as Two Face these women still want to bang the living daylights out of him.

If we’re going by pure superficiality then there should have been less of a sexual response, but I know I’m dealing with people who think Rob is actually a mythical romantic creature who lives for hundreds of years and has super powers and shimmers or whatever and broods and so on, so him looking like an idiot in the flesh as we speak because of the haircut really doesn’t come into any context.

I would love to see Rob roll out onto the stage of his next public appearance in a wheelchair and watch my twitter feed explode with AWWW YEAH HE’S SO FUCKING HOT IN THAT WHEEL CHAIR!!! I’D LIKE TO TAKE A RIDE IN THAT CHAIR!!! I COULD JUST RIDE AROUND SITTING ON HIS LAP BOUNCING UP AND DOWN ON DAT THING!!! YEAH, FUCK ME PARAPLEGIC ROB!!! FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF ME YOU PARALYZED BASTARD!!!! AAAAHHHH I’M INSANE!!!!

Well… what else is happening? Oh right!

CAPTAIN AMERICA!!!!

If I had to describe how I feel about this Captain America movie in a gif it would be this one…

I’m interested, but I’m not, but I’m trying to look like I am, but I can’t fully and in the end it looks like my mind is being boiled with acid.

I don’t know what this woman is doing per say, but I’ve been told she’s trying to allure a man in porn.

I’d suggest the woman imagine having sex with Taye Diggs if she wants to actually look alluring. Imagine the guy is Taye Diggs. Imagine his big black strong muscular arms of comfort and sex.

I’m trying to keep my hopes low for Captain America, which they naturally want to be there anyway because these Marvel movies BLOW.

At the same time, I want to just like the fucking movie. What’s wrong with movies being likable?

It’s Captain America for Christ’s sake – I’m already like 99% on board, so just don’t fuck it up.

I hope you all have a good weekend.

A great one in fact.

That’s it.

 

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