Can You Really Spoil A Bad Movie? “Skyfall” Edition

HELLO… Hello… hello…

I would like to give a congratulations out to these well-dressed and by-and-large physically attractive people…

These 8 people made “Skyfall” the newest James Bond movie. It made nearly $88 million in the US this weekend and made hundreds of millions of dollars already internationally.

Congratulations.

Sincerely, that is not easy to do. Many have tried and failed at making hundreds of millions of dollars, but they did and that’s a kudos to them. A lot of Kudos. Like at least a couple hundred million boxes of Kudos. I think they’re like $4 a box for those chocolate covered granola bars, so they can buy a lot of Kudos with all that James Bond money they made.

On the flip side, these same 8 people made-

A TERRIBLE FUCKING MOVIE!

That’s the other thing, “Skyfall” sucks and you shouldn’t see it.

Why hello there pretty lady with big ol’ boobies. May I see your wrist, it appears you have a tattoo there? Oh, that tattoo means you were taken from your home around at 12 to 13 years old and forced into sex slavery for the rest of your life. Now, at lets say in your early 30s, you have spent well over half your life being forced to have sex with men, terrible men against your will and you live in constant fear that one of them will just kill you because they treat you as a toy with no feelings. Because I know all of this, I think the best way for me to get you to help me in exchange for possibly your death is me seducing you with my own manliness and then bang you in the shower.

Whaaaaaaat?!

I’m not saying “Skyfall’s” James Bond is the most remorseless and uncompassionate and least likable and dumbest Bond… oh wait… YES I AM.

Seriously? Bond fucks a chick who against her will was sold into sex slavery at the age of 13. Why? Because she’s really fucking pretty, that’s why. Seriously? Not for a second did Bond think, uhhhhh, is it weird if I fuck the chick who moments earlier I confessed to know that she’s been more or less raped over and over again her entire life? I mean, like my penis totally wants to be in her body too. If the bad guy I’m going to kill gets to force himself inside of her whenever he wants because he bought her from another criminal enterprise that did the same thing to her… then why can’t I get some of that?! AM I RIGHT?! WHO IS WITH ME?!

With all that said, that is one gripe of a thousand gripes I have with the movie and this gripe lasts for maybe 10 minutes in the movie and there are just as stupid gripes happening all around it.

I have heard people complain about bad movies being “a collection of scenes” where things just happen with no sense of causality or plan or thought. That’s what Skyfall is to a T. There is no plan, it’s just things happening, and by the end of it the bad guy won because everyone is so stupid and not because of some genius plan… also, the bad guy doesn’t recognize that he won either. He’s too stupid to even realize that he won.

I’m not even sure where I should begin with this movie’s terribleness.

Maybe the title? “Skyfall”. What do you think Skyfall means? Is Skyfall some failed assignment that haunts MI6 to this day and is the starting point for the plot of this movie? That’s what my guess was. Project: Skyfall. And we would find out that Skyfall was some kind of shady assignment that either Bond or Javier Bardem was apart of or they were both apart of and that’s what blah blah blah… Nope. “Skyfall” is the name of James Bond’s parents estate in Scotland. Why is it named “Skyfall”? I don’t know. I’m not sure they say. Why is “Skyfall” the title of the movie? I have no clue. Is “Skyfall” a big part of the movie? Not really. For a movie that is 2 hours and 20+ minutes, Skyfall doesn’t show up until about 2 hours into the movie.

Earlier in the movie, Bond is having a psych evaluation done to waste time because I’m guessing someone told someone that Bond movies are supposed to be over 2 hours long and Sam Mendes threw together a bunch of pointless and meaningless scenes that have no affect on the plot whatsoever and the psych evaluation is one of them. So, in the psych evaluation, Bond is asked about “Skyfall” which is the first and only time that Skyfall is mentioned in the movie until they show up there at the end of the movie in a completely illogical way. He’s asked about “Skyfall” and Bond gets up and leaves the psych evaluation. Fast forward a couple hours and Skyfall is where his parents lived and died and that’s why they named it that.

Did the movie have to end at his dead parents house? Nope. It’s randomly where James thinks they should go. His plan is to lure Javier Bardem and his mini army of machine gun carry soldiers to an isolated place where he can fight them 1 vs. who knows. Bond’s first thought is his shitty old house in the countryside of Scotland that possibly has some antique shotguns. That’s it. That’s the plan. Why doesn’t Bond take her to place that has any strategic element to it at all. What about a police station? That has weapons and police who can help kill Bardem?

Some might say, “well, Bardem isn’t that stupid to just walk into a place with armed guards to try and shoot his way through and kill Judi Dench?” NOPE! That is literally the grand master plan that Bardem has moments earlier.

Javier Bardem’s character…

The former #1 MI6 agent whose real name is Thiago (how many British agents out there do you think are named Thiago?!) was on a mission where he was captured because Judi Dench was like fuck that guy and sold him out, so Bardem does what any good captive does and tries to kill himself with the cyanide false tooth he has. The cyanide doesn’t kill Bardem and instead just ruins his gums and teeth and his cheek bone, but completely leaves his tongue, vocal chords, larynx, and really everything else fine. Somehow, following the cyanide thing, Bardem escapes, gets the word out he’s going into business for himself, becomes a highly valued international terrorist with his super genius hacking skills (totally 1337 stuff) and finds an island off the coast of somewhere and tells those people that there is a chemical leak and they have to evacuate and so they do all that and destroy the island in the process, but that’s cool because Bardem is really just using this island as the most dramatically unnecessary wifi hotspot for his hacking, but he does have sex with the chick mentioned earlier from time to time and must send her back and forth on that fancy boat to that gambling place for whatever reason. And he paid some dude to steal a list of current agents so he could out them on Youtube and make MI6 come after him.

That’s Bardem’s bad guy up until we meet him.

Then we meet him and he gets captured by MI6 on purpose so he can hack their computers to uncapture himself so he can run through the subway and sewer tunnels of London so he can blow a hole in one of those tunnels with explosives he must’ve planted months earlier just to get a subway car to go flying through it moments later which he must’ve planned to the very second that this would all happen at these exact moments… all so he could leave the sewers/subways dressed as a police man and get into a car of other guys dressed as police men and shoot their way through a court room to kill Judi Dench.

That’s the “plan”.

The plan consists of millions of dollars spent on assassins, boats, computer equipment, a hooker, an Asian gambling club, the faith that Bond would follow all of this nonsense and not get himself killed, helicopters, an island of people being evacuated, and really just an endless list of bullshit, all so Bardem could walk into a court room and shoot Judi Dench, which he fails at doing.

There are so many stupid things that happened in this movie that it’s hard to keep my head straight. Like why would two people escaping into the night, trying to be as undetected as possible as a bunch of blood thirsty mercenaries are looking for them along the Scottish countryside, why would those two people use flashlights to illuminate themselves in this completely uninhabited countryside in the dead of night and the bad guys are only like 200 yards from them. How stupid could they possibly be?

Many are harping on how the final action scene of the movie is oddly reminiscent of “Home Alone”? Very true. Bond decides the best course of action is booby trapping his house to defeat the mercenaries. And amazingly it works.

Despite the overwhelmingly positive reviews you might find of websites like ComingSoon or RottenTomatoes for this garbage movie, you will also find a bunch of websites and a bunch of people out there who are as baffled as I am that people think that was good or understandable. I saw some good bitching about this movie on…

http://www.movieplotholes.com/skyfall.html

And worst of all…

There isn’t one scene in the movie I would want to see again. That’s the thing that kills me with action movies. How can you not make the action scenes good? I’ve seen some shitty action movies that have memorable action scenes or memorable something. I mean Michael Bay does it all the time. I wouldn’t want to sit through a Transformer movie again, but if you edit out everything but the action its watchable. There are some good action scenes in those movies. But this? Was there even one good scene in the movie?

If I had to think of it, I would say the scene where Javier Bardem tells a story about catching rats and forcing them to eat each other until 2 are left and then send those two in the woods to eat other rats. As random and ridiculous as that sounds, that’s by far the best scene in the movie considering all the other scenes stink. This scene isn’t even that good considering Javier is out of focus the whole scene and the story itself is interesting and yet has no point whatsoever. They try to force that this story is a metaphor for Bond and Bardem’s lives, but it isn’t. Especially since up until that moment, we had no clue who Bardem was. They try to tell us that Bardem is Bond’s equal, but only so far as Bond is terrible at this job in this movie and Bardem is a completely clueless villain. If that was the metaphor they were going for then ok.

If you wanted to see this movie… don’t.

If you want to see a Bond movie… go rewatch whatever your favorite Bond movie was previous because it will be an infinitely more gratifying experience.

The best part about this movie as a whole is that there was a time a couple years ago that we thought we would never see another Bond movie again because of the legal battle of who owned the rights. Well, they got that settled and they hired Sam Mendes which seemed like a good idea. All of that was the best part of the movie… the anticipation. The movie itself is shit. And if this is what we’re to expect from more Bond then put the fucker out of his misery. It’s been a long enough run. Pierce’s Bonds sucked at least 3 out of the 4 and now Craig has two bad Bonds to 1 good one.

Ugh.