November 13, 2012

It’s so close fucking close I CAN ALMOST TASTE IT!!!!!

No more stupid ass shimmering vampires or absolutely idiotic dialogue that leave an unfortunately large percentage of women breathless, “feathers.” No more giving money to some barely literate, overly-religious, never been kissed, Julianna Marguiles after a week long binge at Waffle Hut knock off. It’s so fucking close to the end, my body is tingling from my balls to my brain!

Of course, I met “balls” of my feet. The balls of my feet. Hmmmm….

Anyway, hello. Hello to whomsever (plural to whomever).

The 39th and last Twilight movie had its red carpet last night and my timeline and the internet in general has been flooded with pictures of the people who were in attendance who mean a lot to the people who were there and to me mean so little it’s actually depressing. Were these people in these movies? I recognize like 4 people and 1 one of them is Kristen Stewart’s thighs and the other is Kristen Stewart’s ass – while not technically “people”, they deserve to be treated with the same laws and rights as people – healthcare, social security, medicaid for Kristen Stewart’s ASS!

Let’s see some fucking pictures!

First, Kristen Stewart could totally go as Skrillex for next Halloween. And/or in life. I’m not sure if Skrillex will still be present as a popular character or even be alive by next Halloween, but it could go either way as a pop culture reference or as an ironic- LOOK AT KRISTEN’S THIGHS!

Is it just me or do her glorious legs lead right to a Barbie-like molded plastic vagina placeholder? Am I the only one seeing that?

Also, I’m not making this up… hmmm… let me preface this that I could be making this up… but fashion designers usually have a theme or a story for the clothes they make. My guess is that these lines that are emerging from Kristen Stewart’s belly button are like the Sun’s rays of light, which create life and the fact that we can pretty much see Kristen Stewart’s vagina and her thighs is for us to get all jazzed up about putting a baby inside of her, which will inevitably be the second coming or third coming of WANT. So it’s a dress about new life, the future, and…






Or at least it looks like she’s wearing one of those obscenely high waisted thongs from the late 80’s, early 90’s. Something that Kelly LeBrock would’ve been wearing to heal the wounds of some action hero. Wowzers! Greatest dress ever? From the back, most definitely.

I mean I’m not the only one… look at the little Mexican girl to Kristen’s left. She is either dead from being so close to the want or doing the “dat ass” face while basking in the warming glow of Kristen Stewart’s ass. One or the other or both.

This is why movie premiere reviews of the movie are incredibly slanted. If I was at that premiere I would have given Twilight Breaking Dawn Waxing Moon Part 19 a perfect 10 out of 10 boners… errr… stars… a perfect 10 out of 10 stars reviews on IMDB as soon as I got a wifi signal on my iphone solely because I was in the same room as that ass while that terrible movie was playing. It defies logic to ask a person to be objective when butts like that are in the room.

Whew, I wish I could keep talking more about that ass. I know that it’s a static image, but does anyone else feel like it’s gesturing to you and also calling your name? Is that just me? Ok. Moving on…

There’s the happy couple! Hey, Pattinson, you lucky fuck, I hope you trip and fall somewhere.

I get it now! They are auditioning for a new comicbook movie with Robbles as The Riddler and Kristen as The Asstasm, the steeley-eyed crimefighter who has a pair of butt cheeks that can crack any code and break any case!

Rob’s face is always twice as long as I remember it to be. It’s like there’s The Picture of Dorian Grey thing happening except a child is playing with silly putty and is elongating a newspaper copy of Rob’s face. So, nothing like The Picture of Dorian Grey.

Holy manorexia!

Get this kid some skittles and a bacon cheeseburger and a life coach.

Has anyone checked on Taylor Lautner? I mean these movies are over, which means his acting career is over, so the kid might be taking this a little hard. I don’t know Taylor Lautner – shocking, I know – but I’m guessing the next 20-60 years of his life will be as the only one of the Twilight cast showing up at conventions answering questions about what it was like being in the movies, while woman who could be his grand mother are always telling him that Bella should’ve chosen him as if he is actually Jacob and the books are real and their are periods of time where he believe is too and starts harassing Rob and Kristen and coming to their house dressed in a Halloween wolf costume, which he also just runs around the streets on full Moons dressed like that and really just kind of loses all touch with reality.

Well, I’d see that movie, so maybe there is hope for the little guy if he ever starts intaking calories again.

Live it up because “beauty” fades. And I’m 100% directing that at Kellan Lutz. Unless you start hitting up the HGH, you’ll lose those abs and pecs before there is a 5 year anniversary Blu-Ray release.

As for Nikki, what happened? Seriously. I thought I was going to be having wet dreams about her for years, but really it was just like a week after I saw Thirteen and that may have been a hundred years ago at this point. Maybe Nikki should go back to slutting it up, so she can get another screenplay developed. And you can start by leaning over and tongue-fucking Ashley.

And Ashley Greene? Good God she is a beautiful female. The more I see her and how hot she is, the more I think about the Jonas brother who dumped her. This is what I’m thinking…

1. Dude is a playboy. I couldn’t tell you which Jonas brother is which and who was with Ashley, but I do know all the Jonas’ look more Hispanic as they age and that the one who was with Ashley has also dated a ton of other hot and young chicks. I have been told by other people when I say this outloud that the Jonas in question has said stuff about him not having sex before marriage and by stuff I mean LIES! The dude’s dingus has been in like every girl who has one a Teen Choice Award in the past 5 years. I’m not hating, I’m envy-ating?

2. Ashley Greene is insufferable. I mean it could be that the Jonas is dicking and dashing, or I could be wrong and he is waiting for marriage and all that. If that’s the case then Ashley must be a chore to talk to. Seriously.

What the Hell? Just when it was starting to be ok to think Dakota Fanning was attractive, she pulls this shit.

Personally, I blame Zooey Deschanel and that TV show The New Girl. Damn you, Zooey!

Or this could be for a role. A stupid fucking role. What the Hell, Dakota? Fix your hair!

Who is this guy?

Is he in the movies?

Does he know he might not be in the movies?

They say that if you look confident and wear a suit, you can sneak in just about anywhere. This proves it. Got his picture on Yahoo and everything.

While we’re all scratching our heads as to who this individual is, take a look at this very attractive Twi-hard hispanic woman just over his shoulder. She should be getting her picture taken. Not this jabroni.

WOW! Completely unattractive! Like completely. 100% unattractive.

Get Michael Sheen to wardrobe and the make-up chair to make him look human again. What the eff is going on with these people? I know some celebrities don’t own TVs and/or watch their own movies, but no mirrors either?! Seems extreme.


Who is dressing Elle Fanning? The madam from the Emily Browning movie “Sleeping Beauty”?

No one should really get that reference, but if you have you should be laughing your genitals off. Also, Emily Browning gets like all the way nude in the movie. Like the only more nude she could be is if she was wearing Kristen Stewart’s dress… am I right?!

Someone dress Elle Fanning like a pretty girl and not like an anime ghost prostitute.

On a scale of 1-10, how wet are you?

Like a 12.

Him and Jennie Garth split, right? Or did I make that up? Or am I making up that he’s the actual father of Nikki Reed’s baby? Or am I making up that Nikki had a baby?

There she is!

If you didn’t get my Julianna Marguiles post waffle buffets reference before, do you get it now?

I bet $100 that after every day of shooting finished, Meyer would sneak into the wardrobe trailer and smell everyone’s underwear.

Well… not everyone…

I hate this guy. I hate him for reminding me of the dad from Gossip Girl, which reminds me that I’ve seen two episodes of Gossip Girl. Was he the dad on Gossip Girl or is he just trying his nut sack off to be the cool dad around a bunch of teens and trying to convince them that they should go for experience over youth and then he does some weird stuff in the bedroom like jizzing on their socks.

Oh yeah, and I hate that show Revolution the more that I know it’s not cancelled. Every reminder that that show exists makes me hate everyone involved in it that much more.


I need to calm down… pretty lady faces usually helps with that…

Is this a reference to There’s Something About Mary?

Just be you, Julianne Hough. Don’t let your gay bff Ryan Seacrest fiddle with your hair anymore.

Lost feels like ages ago.

I like how they tried to make the relationship between the hot blonde who wears bikinis and the straight dude seem so crazy. Listen, Saeed may have been a torturer in the Middle East, but his penis liked lady parts just as much as the next guy, so it made a shit ton of sense why he liked having her around.


I’m in the movie.

That’s my butt.


There is some witchcraft going on at this premiere when Blossom looks better than half of these other bitches. Although the dress looks like it came from Stephenie Meyer’s closet.

There are some random ass people at this red carpet.

I just skipped a bunch of people’s pictures. The only one I recognized was Ashley Tisdale and I’d put 15 bucks on her at the very least giving Peter Faccinelli a handy last night.

But there was this as well…

Stevie Nicks.

If you guessed that was Stevie Nicks then you probably went to the event last night with Stevie Nicks. I don’t know what is up with those shades, but stop.

Is Stevie Nicks in any of these movies? I might have to check out that.

Hey, it’s THAT guy from X-Men First Class!

Hey, tits!

Wasn’t this girl 5 when they started making these movies, and now she’s a pornstar.

Time sure does move fast.

Nancy O’Dell is in Twilight?!

If I ever got that memory erasing done like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the first thing that would be zapped would be “juggalos”. My life would be better without knowing a single thing about juggalos. But Nancy O’Dell would be something so random that I wouldn’t think that I know, but I know way too much about that I would forget to add Nancy O’Dell to my list of things that I want removed from my memory and then like 2 weeks after getting the procedure done I would be sitting at home and on the computer like I am now and see Nancy O’Dell and have this wave of WHY THE FUCK DO I INSTANTLY RECOGNIZE NANCY O’DELL BUT IT TAKES ME 30 MINUTES TO REMEMBER THE NAME TO ALMOST ANY SONG I LIKE.

Just saying…

This is the outfit of a woman who does not go to these events ever.

What on Earth was this daft woman thinking when she put this on and made her hair like that and then pulled that face when the cameras approached and told her to smile?

Apparently, that is the music supervisor who put all the listenable soundtracks to these terrible movies together. So, she’s usually sitting at a computer tucked away in a basement wearing monitor headphones and a sweatshirt covered in hummus stains. That’s what I’m guessing. And then she decided to wear school bus yellow knee high pleather boots to a red carpet event where people would take her picture. Fair enough.


This last picture is for the most meaningful part of this red carpet and of this movie series and especially the book series as well…

You, crazy, women/fans.

If it wasn’t for you and all your fucking insanity over a book that’s so carelessly moronic which was turned into 5 horribly acted, directed, and CGI-ed movies then there would be none of this at all. Including me writing this I suppose.

So, thank you.

Thank you, ladies. Thank you to your loyalty for your unbelievably awful choices in literature and film.

And thank you for this…


~ fin ~


  1. tiffanized said

    Pretty sure I’m going to dream about Ryan Seacrest giving Peter Facinelli a handjay while Nikki Reed gives birth and that music woman wearing galoshes delivers a full grown Elle Fanning.

  2. You’re welcome. (Full disclosure: I have never camped out for days to attend a premiere but I do recognize some faces in the crowd and even met up with some of them…in Forks. So, yeah.)


    • NixHaw said

      I find these events are best attended on Twitter. Also, suits my bank balance 😉

      And where would you, Jordan-san, be without us lady fans? And Kristen Stewart? So YOU are welcome 😉

  3. Laphipps said

    Love your commentary!! But seriously, did *no one* notice the girl to the left of Dakota Fanning?!?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: